A Sunday in Singapore...

In Singapore right now. Using net while waiting for my 6 hour transit to finish up. I did the last thing I had to do before... giving up. So yeah, I would say no regrets but I do have regrets - as I always do - but at least I kept to what I said I would do before I let things go, you know? I am proud of myself for at least keeping to that. Anyway, will be in Melb tomorrow - and thus begins recovery time I hope? I don't know how long it will take but... the first step for me is to start eating again. Before I actually die. Well not die as some people have rather crudely put it (c'mon, people don't die that easily!! lol), but I do think if I keep eating the amount of food I've been eating for the past week, I'll probably collapse in the next few days. And O-week tends to be rather exhilerating for me anyway. I've felt faint so many times today (and yesterday) and I get tired walking a short distance while only carrying three (small and fairly light) bags. And even I surprised myself that like... well I ate food yesterday (not enough still) but yeah, the day before that I still remember only eating a single slice of bread - and drank nothing but water and a mocktail to last me through the day.

Yes, please don't kill me for not blogging that little detail. I can't exactly say that right? But since some people know now anyway... =.= Today, I've eaten so far... half of that airplane food they give you. And it's almost 6 PM. Uhh... I'll eat something at night. I will. I think. I dunno. I'm not hungry? It's so strangely disturbing to like... not eat anything and never be hungry? I mean I did this last year too, but it only lasted 4 days before I decided to eat again before Jia Chee killed me herself for doing that, lol. If Jia Chee or Yi Xin read this ... I hope they dun killl me when I see them. O.O OMG, Raine told me that I have to eat James/Sam portions of food? If I do that - I will become an ELEPHANT. T.T One of the bad things about losing weight through 'dieting' (although I am closer to starvation now - even I know that) is that you gain it back sooo easily the second I put food though my mouth. Yep, we are starting up that swim fitness group with Jimmy, Khanat and Zac. T.T Since I can't do Wu Shu (made a promise I won't - and I do realise my leg isn't gonna take it much longer). Yay, I can't fall down during swimming (and I know how to swim~~ but gahh how scary to practice with like... actual ex-swimmers like Zac and James o.o).

Yeah, onto more, positive topics. Sort of. Uhh... I had a rather... nervous morning. Of waiting. The feeling was agonising, and I hope I never have to go through that again. It was the longest morning I've felt for a very long time. And if feelings could kill, those are... really one of the mornings where my feelings felt like it could kill me. At the airport, excess baggage. My luggage has too much excess baggage. *headsmash* GAHHHH! It's $30 per kg!!! I was over my 8kg. When she was like... it's $30/kg I literally yelled out "What??? [and withheld saying WHAT THA FUCKKKK]". My parents were in a sad but good mood (like they were sad that I was leaving but they wanted to be good to me to the very second I left) so they were like... bah, whatever. Pay pay. =.= *sobs* $240!!! OMG, can you imagine how much I can buy with $240?!! I need to save money right now, lol. I mean... for starters I need like a lot of money just to see the doctor in Aus about my left leg. It's gonna reach the limit soon, and I'm only 20. I refuse to be wheelchair bound. T.T

Ming was at the airport to see me off (Lizzzz... he told me you couldn't get up T.T) but he couldn't find me (and couldn't recognise me with specs?). Poor guy, sorry for making you wander around the airport lost for 30 minutes while I got stuck in queue cause of my baggage. T.T He passed me a goodbye present before he left (and thus instead of 2 carryon bags I have 3, lol), will open it when I get to Melb I think.

Yeah the plane ride to Singapore was quiet, lonely and I was rather down. Oh, I should say... I sprained my ankle before boarding the plane. Cause I kept looking behind and around. To look for...uhh... something. ^^;; And yeah I didn't notice where I was stepping and fell over. I was like... [okay excuse all the swearing] but yeah I was like... "FUCKKKK" and dragged myself to the plane anyway. I am very lucky to have placed bandages in my purse yesterday while packing up. =.= Airplane food was.. uhh... chicken curry rice or fish potatoes? LOL. I ate the curry rice cause I thought I might be able to take more of it down, but I only ate half of it in the end. =.= *sighs*

Let's see. Singapore. Umm. Damian needed to buy stuff. So we went around for that first. Then after that, just net and MSN for me, lol. I didn't have a cable for the internet so after fiddling around a bit I noticed that there was free wireless, so I went down to the information counter lady to get myself a username and password for the wireless. Yay, I have net! I should of realised this last time I was in Singapore. And the time before that. I was so bored!!

Okay, and today's entry ends here. Umm... I might try looking for Bernie (Bernie-chan, aka Bernadine) later, since I know she's in the airport here somewhere. But, I've no idea where. O.o Her bro, Gabby is on the same flight as me and D I think. I actually saw two people from Wu Shu club on the earlier flight to Singapore also (Jeremy and Valentina). I forgot that they are Bruneian!! (well Val, is at least) XD But I dont' think they recognise me... lol. Might say hi later if I see em'.

Yay, okay I think there shouldn't be an entry here tomorrow since my night tomorrow is filled up (meeeeting~ a lonnnnng one T.T). And even if it wasn't I need to rest as much as I can as I do not think I will be able to survive through O-week as I am right now (I remember dying cause it was 2 full days last year - I just realised it was 3 full days this year... CRAPPPP). I feel like crap just sitting here. It's a shame I normally can't sleep much on planes. Woah, this is a record for me. No sleep, no eat and Celine's still standing~ but but I won't push it, lol. I dun wanna collapse. It will be rather troublesome if Mum came down here to drag me back if that did happen to me... ^^;;; She would freak. I hope my housemates dun killlleee me. I'm not doing things on purpose people. :P And I tend to have my rebellious "I REFUSE TO EAT" periods every year anyway. So yeah, it'll be gone and over with soon...

Reply to comments...
@Khanat: Haha, no worries K-man. I appreciate it. Cause I know you're trying. ^^
@Akmal: Yep yep, seee ya soon Akmal~
@Zac: lol, well glad I was your first... international call? XD XD Now move onto phone cards~

The last day in Brunei...

The last day in Brunei. Mixed feeling. I mean, you all know I wanna go back to Aus. It's obvious I have a lot more fun there (albeit it sounds stupid I didn't have much fun in my holiday and have more fun during the school year? I mean... I have to do work at uni and that comes with enough stress also...T.T). But, a part of me doesn't want to leave funny enough. I feel bad for my parents. I never really seem to be laughing or having much fun but... I really appreciate what they do for me. And I wanna stay with them. They try their best to please me and keep me happy, but as always... like what I seem to do with all the people who regard me as important - I take it all for granted. I wonder if I'll slowly lose all those I love if I keep going on like this. It's already happening and... I can't take it. I wanna hold onto what I have right now... and get back what I lost. Appreciation is one of the greatest lessons in life for someone innately selfish like Celine. It's only when things are gone that I realise so much that I had. Is this why my life is full of nothing but regret?

Last night watched Valkyrie with Ming. I ate dinner at my house, but I joined him for dinner at West Side Cafe and just drank a mocktail. We managed to kill time for 2 hours until the movie started, but yeah... we were pretty bored in Centrepoint. I've walked that place like 50000 times already. No more... please. Valkyrie kept my heart pumping (okay, ignoring the fact that my pulse has been high for days cause of my... depression). I knew what was gonna happen in the end, but it was another case of I was hoping for a different outcome to the movie, ya know? Sort of like what I feel right now. What has happened in these last few months... I want a different outcome from what happened. Not the one that really took place. I'm still hoping for things but I wonder if I'm just in denial? That the hope is long gone already. But I don't want to give up just yet. I am not giving up just yet. I am not.

Today... went to lunch with my parents and we just jumped around from place to place buying things for the house and just talking about random stuff. A good day with them actually. At night we went to Villa Mauri for dinner, me, mum, dad, my bro and his gf. It's this Italian place near our house opened up by an Italian man. Hehe. The food there is good, although expensive. I had some pasta, a bit of tiramisu... uhh.. what was the mocktail I had, a manga rita or something like that. It was good. Appetite wise I can hardly eat but I at least ate food though. Last dinner with them for a long time. It's not often I eat dinner with my family... so it's really nice to not eat alone. If only good times can go on forever...

Let's just say, I am happy that this holiday is ending. Too much has happened, too much has changed. Too much has changed for me. I don't act the same anymore, and I'm coming back to Aus as a wreck (as many of you know - I'm in poor health right now, I can't help it...). It's funny, going home is supposed to refresh you for the stresses of uni to come. I've had the opposite effect. I'm now more tired then ever now. But, I wanna pick myself up - cause I don't want to... I CAN'T live like this forever. That's for sure.

Since with this entry marks the end of my summer holidays, I think I have a bit of thank you to give out to various people. For helping me throughout these three months. With my... various problems (some which were not problems to begin with, just stuff my mind generated cause of my insecurity, distrust, selfishness and innane sense of jealously). Let's see...

Tom: For watching out for me, worrying about me and your attempts to keep me calm and to cheer me up.
Kriz: For always giving me kind words when you never knew what was going on.
Lesley: For always sending me messages to cheer me up, and for caring about me.
Phe-chan: For being your wonderful genki self! For always being positive, and caring about me. And giving me hugs.
James: Giving me support when I need it - and handling MCAC related things when I went against what I promised as the Prez... and did basically nothing due to my emotions.
Raine: Caring about me and giving me support. And making me laugh with your hilarious solutions to my problems (unrealistic - but funny).
Samuel: For worrying about me, and giving me your advice using all the knowledge that you have in your head, lol.
Stan: For keeping me company especially in December, giving me advice and calming my worries.
Manju: For caring about me during the time of low. And giving me your hug when I needed it. For telling me some of the things that I always just wanted to hear. For being my friend after more then a decade of knowing each other.
Vu: For being your idiotic self and without knowing, getting me to laugh during times of low.
Tsan: For being your sweet wonderful self. :D

And for the people who really spent a ridiculous amount of time on me...

Akmal: For phoning me all the way from Malaysia numerous times when I threw panic attacks. For keeping me company on MSN for hours beyond hours during my time of loneliness. For being there when I really needed someone to be there. For bearing it when I blew you off in anger, annoyance or sadness.
Zac: For your advice, your opinions and your honest sense of judgement on a lot of things. For phoning me from Australia to keep me company. For all the constant MSN cons to keep me busy.
Khanat: For constantly trying to get me to laugh with your... weirdo MSN con topics and odd sense of humour. For worrying about me when I never seem to tell you anything - or tend to ignore you. For taking your care for granted.
Magdalene: For a friend that I've known for a bit longer. For still being my friend despite all the time that has past between us (and the fact that we've both changed). But yeah... for your advice, witty remarks, your brutal honesty and 'interesting' conversations we tend to have from time to time. I'm sorry I never seem to be there for you. Or to help you. You always talk about what I bad friend you are but... honestly, they don't get worse then me.
Yi Xin: To the person whom I've buried everything onto. And burdened with the most. I can only thank you for not giving up on me yet. Words cannot express how you've tried to help me, and how much time and worry you spent. I can only apologise for bringing you down with me, when you do not deserve such a thing. If only I could be a better friend...
Damian: I'm sorry. And thank you. For everything.

Last entry in Brunei. Won't post one tomorrow and maybe not Monday either. Not sure. Whatever it is, for the aussie readers. I'll be seeing all of you guys soon. Give you a hug when I see you all. It's been a turbulent holiday. Not one of the ones I wanna remember. But one I probably won't forget. Let us hope that the lessons learnt are lessons that will stay with me. For now and forever.

Reply to comments...
@Khanat: Hehe. Yep yep. Soaked up plenty of home atmostphere. And rolled about on my favourite couch. *sniffs* Goodbye Couch! It might be gone when I return. My parents think it's too dirty.
@Mag: Yeah, hehe. Thanks XD

A struggle in life...

Hmm. Last two posts today and tomorrow I'll be keeping info to a minimal on some things. There is one thing left I need to do before I can finally say that Celine will try to move on. You know they always said that life is about making mistakes. Learning from them. And moving on - for better or for worse. I think I may have made one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made in my life so far. And... I am gonna right the wrongs I've done, I might fall during some of those times but... I've always had people around to pick up after me, right? For those moments. Yay, for the struggles of life! And watch as we all struggle together. And help each other out. I think I'm slowly learning the meaning of that. To struggle together you know. What friendship really means. That's why...

Today was generally unnproductive. Unfortunately, I didn't go with my parents to Miri one last time. So... the day was, home ... alone ... in an extremely quiet house. I packed my bags a bit more, tidied up the table I basically sat next to for the past three months (dad will celebrate - the table is actually relatively tidy again... it was getting messier and messier the longer I stayed), and did of bit of email sending for MCAC. Those last few tidbits I gotta do before I leave ya know. Tomorrow I'll spend the day with mum and dad. Gotta make it up to them. For everything they've done.

Tonight after dinner, should be having one last movie outing with Ming. He asked Liz along, am not sure whether she can make it (I do hope so ~ wanna see her one last time as it'll be a while until we meet again). Let's see... we should be watching Valkyrie? Ehehe. Since I wanted to see it. I hope it isn't bad.

I'm somewhat in peace right now. With a bit of fear. I've always been unmotivated in life you know. I mean, I sort of thought not a lot of things were worth going through the trouble for. Right now I'm having one of these rare moments where I wanna actually fight for something that I lost... so, I'll try my best. For better or for worse, so I can finally laugh with everyone - regardless of what happens at least I know I putted in that one last effort.

Reply to comments...
@Akmal: Thanks. I can say I know I am to. I'll get through this. :D
@Les: Haha, don't we all just wanna sleep when things get busy. I take for granted free time, really... and yeah. I'm resting. A lot. 'bout time I got up now to do something ~ ^^

When the world starts crashing down...

Okay. I sat here. Staring at my To-Do list. Typing up my To-Do list. I can see 13 items on it right now, it is increasing by the minute. I'm so out of it and emo [again - I know WTF celine??] right now, I've been typing things while in tears. I won't blame ya all if ya get tired of me (seriously, I would have already, lol). This doesn't happen often to me but I can actually feel a headache coming on now from just... I dunno, I guess this is what 'pressure' actually means? Uni hasn't even started yet!!! I can't tell whether it is pressure or me just having to do work while wanting to grab toothpicks and start stabbing myself with them. To be honest I would rather just hide under my blanket the entire day - mope around and shiver there. I am hating having to sit here in front of the comp. It is killing me. I stopped eating sort of again (which I feel bad for as my family wishes to take me out for dinner a few times during my last few days at home) But I guess I can't just mope about. Having to keep up this pretense of being 'happy' is getting increasingly hard also. Sent so many emails everywhere I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. Been contacting MCAC sponsors, correspondence from other randoms, finding accommodation for our next club camp, etc. Some of the emails are not very positive (that or I'm not getting the replies I want...). Gah, this sucks. T.T

Okay, since I didn't blog yesterday. And no, Khanat, I'm not gonna post up that thing you wrote (as hilarious as it is). Well, I didn't do anything yesterday except get a new alarm clock. It is very cute. Old one broke. The new one is really small so I'm sort of wondering how fast it'll take me before I drop it and break it since it's so small. Ah well, hope it'll last me the year. Did very little otherwise yesterday. Today... on Ebay I finally got my EDF3009 textbook! For AUD$75. It's AUD$105 at Monash Bookshop so I guess that means I saved $30 for getting it second hand. Hopefully I can sell it agian in the future, lol. If I dont' get the book and the seller is a ripoff I'm gonna hurt some people. Cause I've been trying to get this for ages...

I was bored last night so I changed bags. RIP my old orange bag with the kitty. It's ripped, it's dirty, it has done me a good job of being thrown about and used for an entire year. Thank you for your service. I'm not the type of girl to use 10000 different bags because I can't be bothered taking things out and putting it into another bag depending on what I wear or whatever. But yeah, I love my new bag. It has so many pockets. Yay for better organisation. Kitty bag was cute but like... it had no pockets everything was always just tangled up and messy in my bag. And it always took me 10 minutes to dig around for my wallet, camera, etc.

New bag is pink! With lots of pockets, and since it was a bit plain I actually put my MCAC badge that I got last year to good use. I'm actually using it now, lol. It actually looks pretty good there, I approve greatly *nods*. I hope I can keep this bag looking relatively cleaner this year but I doubt it. Pink and white stripes.... ooh I can see the bottom of the bag getting grey within the first few weeks. That's the problem with me and all these cloth bags I've been getting lately. The bag isn't techincally new either. I bought it in 2007, lol. I just didn't use it.

Doing a bit more packing here and there. Clearing my table up. Mixed feelings about Sunday really... I'm excited but... I feel like I'm waiting for something that is gonna evitably come. Or maybe it already had. Am not too sure whether I should be happy or sad. Not that it matters. Time moves on at the same pace regardless of your feelings so I just need to accept that everything needs to move on and figure out what I want to do from there. I'm just a bit lost. And I know a lot of people are waiting for me to find my way again, and I will. I just need a bit more time to find the perspective from which I wanna go on about things again. I do still want to hide under my blanket though. I still say it sucks I have to do work instead of be able to cry and hide under my blanket and what not. Gah, whatever. I can't screw up O-week cause of my own feelings. Not happening. Not happening. Not happening.

Evening went out and parents got me a sleeping bag! LOL. Just in case I need one in Aus. Yay. It can double as a blanket I can carry around a bit easier then that bulky thing I currently have in my room in Aus. It's a really cheap one but yeah... way cool. Now I am wondering how to squeeze it into my already overflowing luggage. Must remember to make room for my two plushies. My 'ugly' teddy and my black piggy. Am not leaving those behind even if it kills me. I might have to just hand carry the sleeping bag it seems... T.T. Dinner was my entire family and me (meaning the parents, bro and his gf) at Le Taj. It's an Indian place. Pretty nice food. But... I was feeling so sick the food was good but none of it was getting inside.

I'm not in my room at 9 PM. Early for me but... I'm gonna lock myself in here for at least 15 hours. I don't wanna come out. I cancelled my miri trip... I can't go. Only comfort I have here right now is to bury myself under my blanket and cry all day. It's funny... I have no one to call in Brunei. I must have been a terrible person in the past eh... when there's no one from Brunei for me to run to. I can only hold on. Until next Monday...

Kindness isn't the answer... honesty is...

Not blogging today. Didn't do anything anyway. Maybe tomorrow. Am too annoyed. It's really tiring... so very tiring...

The theory of why hair salons are evil...

I have thus proven today that Celine + Hair Salons = Disaster and I should not go to one more then once per year. As I went twice in a period of less than two months, the results that have occurred is a byproduct of myself attempting to face my fears and being reminded why those fears exist to begin with.

I got woken up by mom and SMS again. But it wasn't even to tell me to get up to go out. LOL. It was to tell me that they'll be back later. So I dragged myself out at 10:30... got ready to go out for lunch then basically spent the whole day at the hair salon. T.T 5 hours! 5 hours! Gahhhhh! Yeah.... I cut my hair again, and dyed it, and highlighted it but... well I HATE THE HAIRCUT FOR STARTERS! Asian nerd alert... nerd alert... and... as for hair colour... it's a bit lighter then I imagined at first. O.o Especially when I stand under the sun I'm sort of like... that's... actually... pretty light (at least I'm not those blond Asians, omg... Asian girls with bleached blond hair.. *dies*). Okay, it's not that light but yeah... hmm a bit of a contrast to the black hair before, ne~ My bro's gf says that I shouldn't of gotten a fringe cause the fringe makes me look more fat (sort of emphasize the chubbiness of my face). I just think I look like a nerd. Reminds me of when I was like... 13. *dies*. Oh, mum took one pic of me before I left the house today. Say goodbye to old Celine. *sniffles*

I sort of want my old hair back...

Uhhh... yeah. I refuse to take picture of the new hair. I don't care how many threats Raine and James threw at me today on MSN, I still ain't doing it, lol. You'll all see me anyway (cept for Mag for the blog readers... but I already showed you on webcam anyway Mag~). Let's see.... cause I was at the salon for so long and like... they have TV's there for people to watch, I saw the entire movie of "The Duchess" and half of "Ghost Town". I wanted to watch The Duchess for quite a while now. Although I don't think I should of watched it in such a public place. I didn't know (although I should of realised) it would have like... sex scenes, and rape scenes and stuff... lol, a bit weird having the hairdresser cut my hair while Keira Knightley is moaning??? I was like... uhhh... okayyyy .... *sweatdrop*. Didn't really watch much of Ghost Town... so no comments there.

Rest of day was nothing really. My entire family was like... O.O with my hair... they were like... "Gahhh it's a stranger!!! Ahhhh! MOM! You brought home the wrong girl~ O.O ... OMG BANANA!! *covers eyes* Okay! Now you can talk to me Celine~ I just can't look at ya~" T.T Next few days will be a bit dull. As I'm sort of out of things to do now. Friday we're going to Miri although I don't really have a reason to go there - but I don't wanna spend the entire day at home either... *shrugs* not that Miri will be fun parents are going there to meet some people or something for other matters.... =.= maybe I should just stay at home and sleep in... I dunno ... T.T *thinks* ...

Reply to comments...
@Phe-chan: Yay Phe-chan likes it! And yes! For fallen delicacies!! Thank you soldier, you make me proud. =D
@Les: Oh, he used to be much meaner. :P I took revenge and ate his chocolate donuts anyway... *sniggers* Kukukukukuku~ *hugs Les*
@Mag: What did yours look like again? I dun remember... and we made egg holders? When was this? Wait, it had to be year 9 since that's the year you came and last year you ever did DT in ISB... lol you threw it away!! I probably threw it away too... useless pieces of crap. Only things I kept was my year 8 puzzle and year 9 clock. Heh.
@K-man: Thanks~
@Akmal: Yay!! Gimmmeeee, lol. j/k akmal :P
@Xin: I likeeee bueno... but yeah! Let's go for fondue!! I don't mind *___*

Nothingness never went by so fast...

A day where I did nothing! And it still went by just as fast. Maybe I'm getting good at withstanding ultimate boredom or something. During the mornings and night, as I have a lot on my mind lately I still sleep pretty unsettled (like, I wake up every hour). But let's forget about that. Woke up at 9:30 AM thanks to mum SMS-ing me "Wake up!" (and she knows my mobile is next to me). It was to get me out so we could eat lunch (uhh... we eat lunch around 11 AM - rest of the time was spent at Mum's office while she did errands). Dull dull dull. We went to a furniture store while the tyre people worked on our car tyres. Pretty nice couch there, mum wanted to get a new one to replace the OLD couch that I like so much (*sobs*). Not that it really matters to me since I only live in my current house like 3 months in a year and after graduation I'll probably move out pretty soon anyway if I have to.

Lunch was kolomee. Uhh... after lunch... I did very little. I continued napping (yes, I am sleeping a ridiculous amount these days), then woke up and worked on the bookmarks. And just msn as usual. But the bookmarks! I finished tying the ribbons, but next was to decide what to do with the back of them! Because they are 2008 calendar cards and that's sort of useless. So I ran about my house looking for a stack of sticker labels I bought years ago! And finally found them after rampaging through my room and the office. I found an old clock I made when I was 14 in DT class (our clock project), it still works, although it is badly designed, lol. It took me forever at that age cause I hate working with plastic (once you cut that type of plastic - acrylic, you have to sand, file then buffer it with polish to get it all perfect - which I never could). Anyway I found the labels but next was... should I handwrite MCAC on each and every one of them? The sticker paper is pre-cut into 4x10 pieces (so 40 stickers per A4 sheet) so I attempted to print on MCAC onto each of them. But the problem was making something on the comp where I could print on 40 stickers perfectly where they should go. Let's just say I wasted 5 sheets of sticker paper (which normally would cost a lot but I had so many anyway). Until I finally got it right and printed the 210 labels for each bookmark!

My bro's gf helped me out sticking all the labels so that went by faster then I imagine. I was quite proud of it all! Hehehe. So yeah, these 210 bookmarks will go to every new member. They are mostly cute ones and a couple of anime ones. On the side here you can see the two cute ones that are my absolute favourite (I am stealing one of them, there's a Pokemon one and a Kakashi one for Lesley and Phe-chan respectively). Ehehe. The black ribbons are a bit thicker and bigger then the red, blue and purple ribbons I have but luckily they still look fine. I was thicking of maybe bringing back these blank labels as they can be quite useful although I am worried about my baggage limit. Maybe I'll slide the sheets into my laptop bag or something. But my laptop bag is a backpack. Hmm. Decisions, decisions, lol. But yeah, picture on the right! The labels I made. Okay they are not perfect but keep in mind that I wanted to reduce cost (since I'm footing the bill myself most likely) and all I had was my bro's comp and a lousy inkjet printer, lol. Anyway, the bookmarks act as double advertising, in case people throw flyers away at least they can find the website and forum and hopefully not disappear from us forever and ever. I do hope this will go well. At least this little task is done! The entire stack doens't really look like a lot but it really is 210 bookmarks. Ehehehe. Or I think so anyway. Wait, the black ribbon bookmarks might be missing from that piccy. LOL. Okay whatever, enough about the bookmarks. Umm... by the time it was evening, Drue asked me about embedding his new library system into the club website. And it's pretty awesome. This is gonna be soooo cool. So good bye to good ol' pen and paper library hopefully. I need to do a bit of work on the club website for a day to really get it up to scratch how I like it, as well as write a user manual for the Presidents after me so that they know what they are doing. As I don't want to be stuck with updating the site forever (quite annoying when you are not committee TBH).

Dinner time was... normal as usual. I had another dumbass convo with my bro and his gf again.

Bro: Hey stupid!
Me: Yes?
Me: ...............................
Me: >.<
Bro and gf: Ahahahahahahaha! *high fives*

And then after dinner I need my usual dosage of chocolate. I bought a packet of 3 Bueno's yesterday! To last me for 6 days cause it's two of them in one packet. I only ate one yesterday! There should be 2 and a half packets left.

Me: *opens fridge*
Me: ..............................
Me: WHY IS THERE ONLY ONE PACKET LEFT$#@$#!!#@!!???????
Bro and gf: *starts snickering* Ehehehehehehe. ^____^

My bueno. T.T *sniffles* The rest of the night shall be spent... doing who know's what. I will try my best to be pleasant and happy tonight despite everything else.

Reply to comments...
@Magdalene: Of course there was nothing wrong with our convo. ^^;;;; Go do your work!!! LOL. Such a terrible student! *tsk tsk*

As long as I could see you smile...

A bit of an odd day. It sort of went by without me actually doing anything. I technically got up at like... 11:30 AM or something. Pretty late for me although I wasn't asleep most of the morning (and I went to sleep at like 3 AM or something last night due to my 'interesting' *coughs* conversation with Mag). Just burying my head under my blankets and refusing to budge. I had this irritated mood all day, like... not that I'm mad or anything - just that any small little thing would lead to a sarcastic comment from me. A bitchy Celine, oh noes~

Hmm, went out momentarily in the afternoon to go grocery shopping with the parents. I got one of those little shelves to put onto the table. The plastic one with drawers. Gonna bring it back with me to Aus. I like this one cause it has teddy bears printed on it! Teddy bears! It's so cute. My luggage is gonna be insanely overweight though it's not gonna be funny. Am not to sure what I plan to do. I hope they won't charge me cause I'm a student. ^^;; And besides that I did nothing else by tie on ribbons onto the MCAC bookmarks (it's getting there!), talking to randoms and bidding (and constantly getting outbidded - shiiit T^T) on Ebay! *sighs* A week left in Brunei. Happy, sad, I dunno, don't care either. *shrugs* The second I step into Aus I need to make a decree that I won't cry even once for a period of one month at least. I can't say that now cause it obviously isn't gonna happen in Brunei. One more week to hold on. Hold on I will. I'll just end this here because I'm so pissed off today I'm constantly thinking of nasty and unreasonable things. =.=

Reply to comments...
@Khanat: As do you, K.
@Mag: Okay, cool. Let's become wedding gate crashers! And yeah, I'll say hi for ya if I actually go to see Tony. XD And lol, all you can trust is your wine. :P You might have a point there Mag. At least wine doesn't betray ya and is there for you when you need it.
@Akmal: And some don't find it at all. ^^;; Have a safe flight back to Melb today...
@Phe-chan: Aww... that's sweet Phe-chan. And yeah... ice-cream is always good.
@Les: Thanks. XD
@Xin: Loose... I don't think they are loose. My fat thighs really are that big!!! AHHHHHHH! *runs around in circles and runs into a pole* @.@

Valentine's Day...

Relapsed. Almost relapsed! Oh yay for panic attacks!! Gooo Celine for your panic attacks! *hits her fuckin damn head against the wall* Bah. *hugs Tom, Akmal and Zac* yeah, I won't say I'm alone. Cause as Zac said, Celine isn't alone. They would be here with me if they weren't like 10000 km overseas. That they would come and gimme a hug if they could. And they are here in spirit at least. And...and... I'll get to see them once I get back to Aus. ^^ Yes, I'm fine now. Yea know... reading back at my own post now. I sound like a spoiled brat, lol. I would slap someone like myself if I met them (oh yay! HYPOCRISY~). I should stop. Really. Haha. I calmed down. I am obviously not okay in present times since I get riled up so easily. I don't think there is anything wrong in having panic attacks once in a while but... yeah I have em' too often so I really gotta relent on the emotions for a bit. I have a week left in Brunei. It's okay, I'll just rest - spend time with parents - maybe meet some people and just concentrate... I dunno... on whatever. To keep my mind from breaking up anymore then it already has. I'm glad this hell of a holiday is finally coming to an end...

Uhh... last night was watching Inkheart. It was an okay movie, I know of the book because Inkheart was written by Cornelia Funke, who is also the author of The Thief Lord, and I studied that one for ENH1990 in 2007. It had an interesting concept, but the movie was so late I was yawning since it wasn't exactly snap and kaboom everywhere. Hmm. I got home past 12, Ming drove me back (sorry dude... it must have been like an hour to your house from my place T.T), and went to sleep by like 1 or something since I was exhausted (well I did wake up at 5:30 AM yesterday morning). Today morning... uhhh... slept until like... 10 AM, hahaha.

It's Valentine's Day. To protect myself from getting upset on spending this... day... alone (okay that's a lie - so there were other offers for company on this day but you know... there is only one guy that I really want to spend THIS day alone with... I just don't feel comfortable with anyone else - don't blame me T.T I wanna be loyal) I asked a certain female friend to keep me company for the day. Cause she said she would, to make sure I stayed cheerful in the afternoon at least. I have not seen this friend for a long while now, so it was good to catch up, gossip and talk about... a lot of things that we've experienced in the past few years. I've been a terrible friend and sort of... not really asked some people what has been up with them. We had lunch at Cheezbox! Never been there before (to eat anyway). Uhh... the food is alright. Wasn't that good either. We had Chocolate Bubble Milk Tea and Baked Chicken Chop Spaghetti (me) and her with rice (but the same thing). With like white sweet corn sauce or something. It was good but got really tiring after a while. Cause you know... it was like the same taste over and over again. And like... cheese and white sauce... gahh... I can feel the fat coming on right now. I was looking at the few photos of myself today. I look fat. I dunno... I think I do. But technically on the scale my weight is lower then ever right now...

Okay, let's not get into that. Haha. We watched Bride Wars today. Which was an enjoyable movie. Very funny. I was laughing a lot and like going "Kyaaaaaa~!!!!" a lot of times. That movie's about two best friends for life who have always wanted to get married at a certain place. And they both got engaged near the same time. And the marriage was planned for the same day at the same place (but you technically can't do that). So thus, chaos ensues~ excellent thing to watch with a fellow girlfriend. Maybe not such a great idea on Valentines Day, lol (I was joking how I would say "I wanna get married!" after watching the movie - the weddings are so glamourous - although if I ever got married it would not be glamerous nor would I think there would be much of a ceremony as I recall my parents not liking that sort of thing... ah well. A girl can dream at least - maybe I can attend a friends wedding that is like that *nods*).

What else did we do... uhh.. we were looking for boots! Cause I needed boots for O-week. But... Brunei dun have much boots. I found one pair I liked and like... largest size was 39. I'm a size 39 but it was too small. Gah... I'll need to think of a plan for O-week as I don't have the right shoes now for my dress. Let's see, I bought some gifts for some people, stationary for myself and more ribbons for MCAC bookmarks. In front of Jaya Hypermart, a guy was giving out free ice-cream. 'Valentines' ice-cream or whatever (it was a strawberry cornetto). Hahaha. Uhh... random pick of me with the ice-cream on the side here. I stopped by the Salon for a bit, to make an appointment. We also ran into Tony (Tony Wong for the ex-ISB-ians reading this) and his friends. I know he finally returned to Brunei yesterday I think - we said we were gonna meetup like tomorrow or sometime next week. I assume next week now. Haven't seen him in years so I thought I'd just meet up before I run off to Melbourne again and he goes wherever for uni. He still looks, sounds and acts exactly the same, lol. What else did we do... had DQ ice cream also. Yes, more ice cream. But it's V-day! And I wanted to eat chocolate so... eat ice cream with chocolate in it.

I was wearing a bit of an odd thing today. I dunno, I was trying to look cool? But it sort of failed. Hahaha. Uhh... this weird black bow thing over a white tank. If I gain a single pound I wouldn't be able to wear that anymore though cause it was really small.... okay, just random pic to like show you what I was wearing today. Haha, mum was like... "Oh.. that's sort of cute actually." A bit different from what I usually wear (which is pink, with ribbons , chiffon or frills, lololol). It sort of made me look fat though? I think? Hmm... what else to say. When I got home there wasn't really much else for me to do. I had a panic attack but thanks to the care of Akmal, Tom and Zac, hehe they put me right again. XD *hugs you guys* Yeah, I need to stop that. Even though one of em' said that it's normal that people get like this once in a while. You aren't the only one. Didn't feel like eating dinner. Yeah, I'm not alone. I know that. But I feel lonely still I guess? I wonder how long I'll have to spend every year dreading my birthday... dreading Valentines... dreading whatever. In fear that it'll be spent alone, as many years has been constantly. I really can hardly remember any good memories happening on these days. I mean I sort of said I'll stop thinking of the past. Cause ya know... past is the past. Make better use of the present. The day was fine but the night was extremely lonely. It didn't have to be this way but I didn't really want to spend it with any other person. But I don't want to be grasping at just the air forever - and never being able to hold onto anything. It's nearing 12 now... dunno what else to do really. Right now. I might actually just sit here and stare at the wall. I've done it before, lol. But I think when I do that kind of thing it's sort of like stage one of me going a bit nuts. XD Heh.

I know Valentines was created by Hallmark, it's a commercialised event that means nothing. But... really, I could easily think the same too but you know, the small stream of tears wouldn't stop falling when I saw other happy couples up and about. Dressed up. Laughing. Getting ready for a nice dinner. Smiling. Being happy. Envy is a sin, but it's human nature, right? I wanna be happy too...

The last day of ISB...

And today ends my voluntary placement at ISB. My primary school (from grade 4) and high school (up to grade 11 / form 5). Okay, it wasn't really anything, I just tottered off without much care or concern. I was more sad leaving Melbourne in November last year, lol. I woke up at 5:30 AM as we needed to drive my bro to Muara port first so he can get to Labuan. When I got to school... OMG. First thing I had to do was to help the year 12's deliver Valentine roses and chocolates. I was like.... T.T. This reminded me of my ISB days. I hated this day! Cause I never got any roses or choco... I mean it's obvious to say why. Not pretty, no outgoing personality, not very nice in general, so yeah... not populer in any way. Boo boo, it was always a blow to my non-existent confidence! I don't need to be reminded how unpopular I am, lol. Like seriously. I wait for that one day... just that one day I'll get a rose or some choc from a guy. *___* Some of the girls got like 10 roses, lol (they are $3 each! Right now Brunei dollars is same as Aussie dollars so you can do currency calculations there if you like). I was like... wow. O.O

I mean right now at my age... like... V-day has lost most of its novelty since ya know... I want love all year round. Not love on a specific day, that's utterly retarded. Part of me is sad that I grew up not enjoying the stuff the others did my age at the time but *shrugs* oh well. I'll act like I'm 20, if I hang about sniffing over stuff little 13 year olds giggle about I'll need to smack my head profusely against a brick wall for being a dumbass. Still though, I'm a romantic at heart. I wanna go on a nice romantic date once on Valentines day, or have a lovely dinner - homemade or outside I don't care... *sighs*...

Whatever. So yeah, delivering the flowers was hell. Besides what I just said, I couldn't find the people and it was just confusing in general. And the sun was baking. My last day involved doing lots of last minute tasks. But in general I did very little. I sat about at times just talking to Liz or Mai. Besides my reference letter, Debbie gave me a card and an ISB calender that she bought from the shop. Which was sweet! Ehehehe. When I left I had a chat with Damon, said bye to him and Debbie, and Liz (although I'll probably see her sometime soon anyway before heading back to Melb) and yeah... that was it. Now I can go back to sleeping at 2 AM and waking up at 10. For a week. I'll probably spend the week in the house working on MCAC plans and going out when I can (there is some people I want to see before I leave I think but I'll need to get off my ass to do some contacting cause I know they won't, lol).

I took some pics of the bulletin boards I did at ISB. Haha, the stuff I had to stuck up. This isn't all of them cause I couldn't be bothered. But yeah, I do think they are rather nice! They took ages sometimes. Debbie did the initial setting for them since I don't really know what I'm doing. But I think I have learnt much!

Like this one the most. Pusat Bahagia one!

This is for advertising the Pygmy Elephant project!

Stuff the Secondary school has done! I made all the posters!

Bye bye ISB! Especially if I don't come back next year...

Shot of the other side...

Debbie's office! My home for 6 weeks...

Let's see, spent the afternoon on MSN and napping. Just waiting for time to pass, going to go watch Inkheart with Ming tonight at Empire. Inkheart is sort of old so there wasn't an earlier showing, gah... the movie is so late (10:10 PM... T.T, ooh it'll be like past 12 by the time I get home =.= and I can't sleep in too late tomorrow...). And Empire cinema is so far from me. I wanted to watch Valkyrie (then we could of like.. gone to the Mall) but like.. I dun think he wanted to. I wanna watch Valkyrie though... must find someone to go with me ~ *nods*. I'll make good use of the cinema here since it's like $5. Aus and their $10 (or $11.50 if you don't buy those discounted coupons) tickets scare me!! Only time in Aus I think I'll go to the cinema is when Bernie and co. or James and co. wanna go as a group.

Reply to comments...
@ Phe-chan: I have... a yellow top like that? I don't think it is me, Phe. LOL.
@ Yi Xin: Cute clothes!! Wear some!! I'll make you wear some, lol. I have plenty. Ahahaha.

A quiet day...

I was supposed to write a wishlist but I'm sorry Kriz! I'm too lazy *sobs*.

Today was a quiet day. Even though I went to sleep near to 12 AM last night, for some reason I woke up at like... 4:40 AM. Without an alarm. I wonder why I suddenly wake up when it is clearly not enough sleep?! Weird. School was normal. Debbie was writing my reference letter which I read (and was very sweet). Besides that I didn't do very much. Just made banners for Ms. Pattison and Ms. Wilson. And painted Mr. Holmes and Mr. Green's elephants white. And spent a bit of time at Mr. Barett's year 6 class for the last time.

Uhh... the class was doing role play. While I was cutting up stuff for Ms. Turner, I was watching as the students pretended to be African natives from various countries. We did this when I was in year 6 also. Except it was for history. We were studying the Victorian era, and during this time school was run with an iron fist. Had to write using ink and quill and people got beated with canes like no end. The role play was memorable just because it was so convincing and everyone acted until this one kid (normally the tough guy) starts crying thinking it was all real (as my teacher was about to beat one of the students). And everyone is like... we're acting. We know it isn't real. The point of role play is to never act out of character, it's fun. Hehe.

Lunch was with Liz. I ate good ol' Mac n' Cheese. I used to really like the ISB one! It was the best. It used to be like $2.50... and yeah. It's terrible now. It's $3.00, they barely give you anything and I could make better tasting Mac n' Cheese then that. T.T I know they have to cut cost but... the servings they give are getting a bit ridiculous now. My afternoon disappeared without me doing anything. I think I just surfed, updated random things and talked to random people. Oh well, it can be considered a good thing if your day passes by without you realising it. Some people have asked me why I'm counting down. Can't I be excited to return to Melb? I mean I told Xin that it will be a bit weird, because I've gotten used to life here again. The old life. Now it's back to... seeing everyone again (on a near daily basis depending on who you are), going shopping for groceries with Jia Chee during the weekend, smashing the door at 1 PM to get Xin to wake up for lunch, worrying about what to eat for brekky, lunch and dinner every single day. Gahhh! O.O And doing... my essays... and going to classes I never listen in cause there isn't much point.

I am not good at adapting to be honest. So the jumping around during the different time of the year really always does make me rather ill.

Let's see, I should say something insightful and interesting today. But I can't tell what. Gotta sleep earlier tonight. Must wake up a half hour earlier. Cause my bro is going to Labuan for work so parents are driving him since he doesn't want to leave his car at the ferry place to be stolen. So I gotta with em' cause after that they'll drop me off at school (although both places are in completely different locations). Oh, I know! Yay, continue on with fashion! I dunno whether it is a good thing that I am passing the staring at clothes. It makes me wanna lose more weight for starters, lol.
Okay, the bunny hoody is just the cutest thing ever! I'm like gahh!! It's so cute!! But it's pretty pricey. Haha, it'll be nearing AUD$50 for that thing. Oh, that and the girl is wearing a nice pair of boots. I should really start wearing boots, they look awesome now. And I am really starting to sound like that chick in the Shopaholic series, lol. She always obsessed over things like this too. Then spends too much (although it is brand names to say the least). The next piece is the one you see to the right. Sleeveless chiffon! And there are a lot of different colours, but pink is still the cutest one (but the red or black one is more hot, lol). Last thing for the day is the lovely purple dress you can see on the left. It's awesome! But maybe it's also cause of the cominbation of hat, jewellery, belt, socks and boots. Otherwise normally the dress itself won't be much to look at. This is the crappy thing about me. I can accessorise very well that's why my clothing itself is normally pretty decorative already just cause I wanna avoid the jewels, brooches, belts and what not. And I'm lazy. If you see my in t-shirts, it means I'm too lazy to do my laundry. Otherwise normally I like wearing my frilly tops with ribbons and stuff hanging off or ruffles or what not. I hate winter only because it means I always wear the same jacket over everything (and I normally refuse to take off my jacket cause I'm cold). Oh and if I think about it now, don't worries people. My DIRTY MONKEY jacket is now gone! I won't wear that monstrosity anymore, lol. RIP dirty monkey jacket. It's in Aus right now I might try soaking it in Dynamo for like 3 days and seeing whether I can like... get it back to its original color. I won't throw it away, haha. The jacket is precious! So many memories from it.

That's me for the day. Guess I'll sleep in two hours... tomorrow is last day of ISB. Then lunch with parents, afternoon at home, dinner then movies at night. Yeah, I can see my Friday planned out already, lol.

Reply to comments...
@Khanat: Haha, thanks man.
@Phe-chan: Wait, I do have something like that but... I just bought it in December! I've never even worn it before Phe-chan. Do I have anything else like that?
@Akmal: I like how all three of you said something different. Haha, awww.. that's sweet Akmal. Okay, if you're busy moving in then hopefully I'll see you the day after I get back? Haha. Yeah, I will take it easy. I can't really afford to get sick when I return to Aus... I mean, there is so much to do.

Jollibee, Ebay and *yes* CLOTHES!

Another usual day! I was lazy to get up, but whatever. LOL. Me and Debbie spent the entire morning basically rummaging (I would probably call it raping more like) the school network, for CAS and PSE related files - to organise it nicely in one place. Since the files before were like... tossed over several drives on the network in like a thousand different folders. And there was a lot of outdated files from when CAS / IB first started at ISB. I made a few documents here and there but wasn't much. It was a very... sit down at computer for the entire day sort of day. I remember when I first go to school today I couldn't find Debbie and I didn't get the instructions she wrote down so I went looking for her. But... couldn't find her. I go back to her room defeated and she's sitting there, LOL.

Liz rang in sick so didn't really saw her today (well saw her past 1 PM once only - that and cookies were baking near to after school which she pointed out... I have baked or cooked almost during my time in Brunei. I sort of miss it... I would like to make biscuits for O-week but there isn't enough time. Sad... but I'll still bake though after that. Maybe bring it for MCAC lunch or something. I won't miss cooking soon once I find myself have to think about what to eat for brekky, lunch and dinner day in day out (and with my house to feed the others too? But I think we said we'll go back to our semester 1 cooking method - that is... everyone make a small dish. Not one person make a 3 or 4 course meal... that was too much pressure and expensive...).

At lunch me and Ming went to Jollibee at Seri Q-Lap. I ate... their chicken burger. I liked it. XD I have never actually eaten food at Jollibee before I think (I was more of an Ideal person). Oh, I think I ate their spaghetti once - and I do drink their random dessert shakes (even though those things are nothing but ice - and maaaaybe a bit of ice cream). Seri Q-Lap is getting considerably emptier. =.= Dear dear... we sort of ate too fast so we walked around the place a bit but it was all clothing and CD stores (no, I never really walked about that 'mall' much). Resisted temptation to walk into clothing stores cause a.) I should be at work not shopping, b.) I'm with a guy who doesn't like shopping, c.) I shouldn't be buying more clothing - luggage is full and Aus wardrobe has enough clothes already... and I'm already bringing a lot back anyway T.T.

Came back and never saw Debbie for the day again. Boo boo. Ah well. At home... uhh... monitoring Ebay and planning out MCAC's O-week (well looking and contacting sponsors). I was typing up a document for Debbie today which was basically a camp plan. I thought it was rather interesting to read - I wonder if I can integrate any of those ideas I saw into MCAC's camp. I really need to get my butt moving and start planning out all the events we'll have up until the next AGM. Must... finish off my first and only time (I guess?) in a university level committee with a bang. Next camp idea is a worry cause location (according to Zac) is a more expensive place then living in some random lodge in Mornington Peninsula like last time. I don't want the camp fees to be more then what we had last time though. Our members aren't exactly the wealthiest bunch. At home I've finished hole punching the 210 bookmarks. Now to tie on ribbons. Yes, some people will think I'm a freak for doing all of this alone. *shrugs* I have the free time anyway. And it means I can choose which design I want for myself (and I'll take it away first ohohohoho~). I noticed we had only one Pokemon bookmark, I think I took that one specifically for Lesley when I was picking (or would you rather have a cute one?).

Oh and regard to my recent obsession with browsing on Ebay (and witholding myself from bidding like a madman - it's bad when you have a slight bit of money in your Paypal account, makes the temptation to spend so much more appearling). These dresses are so cute!!! Yes - I like Japanese-Korean influenced fashion so much more then Western style clothing. It's a good thing cause then I'm not really interested in labels like Guess, Top Shop, DKNY and etc. Clothing there is too plain and 'mature' for me. Although some Japanese labels are pretty costly (not that I wear brand names often). And yeah... I do know getting clothes on Ebay ain't a good idea cause things just look good... just not on you. :P

This is sooo cute! Around AUD$28.30 including shipping...

Sooo nice! Around AUD$23.40. I have something vaguely like this but it isn't a dress...

Around AUD$35... so cute for winter... *__*

Okay, clothing is cute but the cute models sort of make it look better x10 times I bet. Even when I see clothes on the rack from magazines worn by the hot hot hot models, they don't look so great in real life (or on me at the very least). Dun have the cute enough face. Boo boo boo. And photos are obviously enhanced and airbrushed. From now on, you may see me sharing my Ebay "I want but I won't get it" list. Complete with pictures. Cause I have nothing else better to do. Hahaha. I really do have too much clothes. At least it's a cheaper hobby then being a car / technology freak. As long as I stay away from top brand names. *nods*

Gave up on that Sony T-10. It'll definitely be bidded up to 300+ at the rate things are going. So I went to go for something else. I figure that a second hand Canon or Sony tend to be bidded pretty high in the last hour. So I went for Nikon instead. But. no go. Yeah, I get the auctions now. Was looking at a Nikon Coolpix S1 but... last hour the bid jumped incredibly. And I don't feel like shelling out 100+ for a Nikon S1, lol. Forget the camera! I still have my Fuji Finepix Z5... just with a broken flash. It's okay... can still use it at daytime. Not like I go out at night thaaat often anyway. I hate flash anyway - makes my OILY FACE look even OILIER and the pimples and imperfections are so much more obvious! Gahhh~ When it comes to Ebay I guess I'll stick with the stuff that no one really wants so that I don't get outbidded often! I'm crying cause I didn't bid for my EDF3006 textbook! And it was bought! I thought it would get relisted (I couldn't buy things too early cause I'm not there to pick it up yet - I was afraid it'll get returned to sender). It was being sold NEW on Ebay for $70! The retail price at Monash bookstore is $105. FUCK. Now I have to buy it at Monash bookstore!! Gahhhhh!!! *cries*

Reply to comments...
@Akmal: Haha, perhaps I should of. Maybe I'll come over the day I get back to your new place. As you're near Stan and Kriz and I want to go see them too. Depends, I'll see how my health goes (cause yeah... entering Aus always makes me really sick). If not I trust I'll see you the day after during C&S Orientation Carnival? :3

How to get pale even with sun...

GET WHITE PAINT ALL OVER IT! *sobs* My hand feels weird...

Got up as usual. Went to school as usual. Did paperwork as usual. Today's a Tuesday so I spent the morning with Mr. Barett's year 6 class. Just helped a kid with Maths (they started... algebra) and after that Mr. Barett forced all the poor kids to read to me just cause he noticed I was too bored. I ate lunch quickly and alone today as Liz was busy - and I had to fix some stapled work for Damon (gahh... so much more used to calling him Mr. Grieves) during lunch anyway. Debbie's plastic basket normally used to carry paint had an accident. One of the cans must have tipped over or something cause everything in the basket was covered in white (well... sort of yellow-y but closer to white) paint. She asked me whether I would mind washing it or not (it should be water based paint) so I'm like... okay. If it's water based paint I just need tons of water and everything will get off.

So off I go... with paper towels, myself and a hose. I pick things out and attempt to clean it off. That's odd... the water doesn't seem to be doing very much. Hmm, let's try again! That's odd... the drain cover is starting to get stained with the paint. Waita-.... My Mind: FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! It's OIL BASED PAINT. IT'S HOUSE PAINT. O.O Okay, excuse the language here but I was like... oh shit... *tries to wash hands and stuff* Nope... my hand is getting sticky and drier by the second. And like... I sometimes couldn't pull my fingers apart cause there was just SO MUCH paint on it. I give up the washing task immediatly and just concentrate on getting it off my hands. Uhh... at this point my hand is smooth and completely white. I was like.. T.T ... okay ... *scratches head* Now what... I dun wanna permanently white hand. T.T It's like... permanent gloves...

Then one of the caretakers come by and he's like... O.O ... and tells me that water will barely do anything - I'll need thinner or something (and I know thinner is really bad for your hands). I'm like... T.T ... *gives up* ... and I go around secondary school looking for Debbie. I find her in the library with Mr. Green and I'm like "Debbie!!! ;___; The paint was oil based! I can't get it off my hands!!!" I felt like a student, lol. She had this "oh.. shit..." look and Mr. Green said to pop over to the art room. So I did and was like bugging Mr. Peacocke for turpentine. Hmm... the turp was weird and made my hands feel really weird. And it sort of didn't work at times. I noticed most of the paint was coming off but it was basically thinning out - and I still felt like I had this thin layer of paint on my hand. And my hand was too pale compared to the rest of the skin (by a bit). I was like... oh ... well I do wanna be more light and pale, but not by using paint!! T.T

Gah, gross. I don't want to touch that paint again. Hand feels normal now at least. It was so funny in the afternoon, no matter what I touched - I left paint fingerprints behind. Let's see, rest of afternoon was I dunno... nothing. The time passed by oddly fast. I think I was on ebay and review sites the entire time. My digital camera had its flash broke down a few months ago and it has been pissing me off. It's a Fujifilm Z5fd ... fucking camera it turns out a lot of people had this problem. And my warranty has expired (and I had a look at Fuji's repair costs... $120 or more on average...). So I was thinking of Ebay-ing a second hand camera (the Fuji I can use outdoors daylight but any inside shots or night shots is dead and impossible). There's a Sony Cybershot T-10 for auction right now at around AUD$75. I'm like... I want that!!! I wanted that camera but it had a RRP of like over $650 when it came out!!! But I bet a lot of bidders will pop up in the last hour of that auction if it goes over a hundred I don't really want to spend that money. And it probably will... I mean... a T-10 (in pink!) *sobs*... yeah, the only electronic I probably want and tend to want the newest models. Compact digital cameras, lol (the good looking ones ~ haha yes, what'd ya expect from someone carrying a pink camera and a pink mobile and a pink wallet?)

Mum actually deep fried some keropok (prawn crackers) today ... I never got to eat a single one during CNY! Not that I ain't anything during CNY. Cause she didn't think there was a point. But I gotta eat my share now, the ones in Brunei are like a million times better then what I end up eating in Aus - which is like nothing but oil to me. I'm a bit worried about gaining weight again before going back to Aus but luckily it was lower today then usual. So yay to that~

I'm getting a bit weary of going to ISB now. I'm off next week but I don't want to spend my entire last week at home. But no one is really in Brunei anymore... even the other Aus students have gone back already. It seems I'm going back really late compared to everyone else... T.T I should of booked a week earlier, lol.

Chap Goh Meh...

The last day of Chinese New Year! I think family normally eats together on this day or something. Or...or... something good happens. *shrugs* Well, nothing good is happening to me right now. Gahh, but have no fear! I'm still being positive right now (okay, perhaps sarcastic is a better word - but it's better then being SAD). Most of you won't know my story but let me put it this way. I'm a really normal person living a normal life. I'm no one unique or different, or living a difficult life in any way. I can't write a memoir about myself having to feed off mud and candle wax over an extended period time to survive. So I'll just let things go over my head and hope for the best. Life wasn't meant to always go your way anyway. That said, things do affect me and if you know me you can easily see how things affect my behavior and my (somewhat) shaky mentality. But I don't want that to be an excuse to always be emo and all "oh woe is me the world is against me my life is shit". Cause that's fucking retarded and very annoying. So if I do that, please slap me in the face and say "Everyone has SHIT in their life! Get over it!". If you do it enough I'll realise and it'll be better for meh. XD

So! I slept on the couch last night! My favourite couch in this house. It's OLD, it's UGLY and it's DIRTY! And the couch is awesome, hahaha. I think it's comfortable at least, but yeah it is olllddd. I mean it's like... brown-green in colour, that icky colour when things get dirty. But I refuse to let anyone take it away from me. I basically spent the past 3 months living on the couch. Sleeping on it wasn't particularly comfortable though. A.) cramped but luckily I can sleep without moving and B.) a lizard was living in the curtains... it kept insisting on making that lizard noise every hour! So I woke up every hour.

Did the usual. Got up... went to school... did paperwork. And whatever. Barged into classes (I barged and TALKED in a SCIENCE TEST! *sobs* I was soooo embarrassed!!) uhh... yeah lunch was with Liz. That's about it I think. Spent rest of the afternoon doing nothing... lol. Sort of. *shrugs* Whatever. I'm okay, lol. Today was chap goh meh but yeah... we don't really... celebrate that. I guess...

Okay, sleep time! For work tomorrow. Yay, I get to sleep in my room again with air-conditioning!

Reply to comments...
@Mag: ... that's very odd imagery there, ya know. :P

A step forward in the right direction...

Had a rough night. A rough rough night. For starters, my air-con broke so the room was hot. T.T Not that it matters I won't complain considering Melbourne was like an effin' 46 degrees C (holy crap O.O - what's up with the world these days?? =.= while over here we have too much rain and people are losing their homes because of that T.T)... But yeah, even if we ignore that emotions wise I was already like, I dunno, in complete chaos last night anyway. Or I should say this morning. So I barely slept. It was a long night, lol. You know the night passes by faster when you actually fall asleep. My air-con is still broken though (I mean, it is a Sunday today). I'm gonna like... sleep on the couch downstairs to get through the night tonight.

Plans for today was cancelled also. And I was down to begin with so meh, probably better idea if I don't go outside. Uhh... just had lunch with parents, did some errands and what not. By the afternoon it was sort of strange... I think I was gonna reach the boiling point or something. See, first I felt violent. I seriously felt the urge to hurt someone. I guess an offset of my anger. Then I was like... hmm. Not right to hurt others. Maybe myself might be better. I've done it before I'm so clumsy I can easily fall down somewhere ya know. Dunno if people realised or not, I know I tend to have a lot of bruises but some of them are self-inflicted. Not that I'll ever admit it. :P Then.. I sort of don't even remember. Uhh... oh yeah, I took a nap. To stop myself. I woke up and felt better - at least I didn't feel so angry. But then I still felt all depressed. Bah. Was online trying to decide whether to stay on or not. I am really getting to my limits you know. Badly. Only two more weeks left... gotta hold on. I need to hold on. I sooo need to hold on. Then I can go see everyone again... will go cry to Xin and Sha, hug Kriz and Stanny at their new place, slap Sam, Tom, James and Drue on the back, visit Akmal's new place, glomp Tsan as we bake cookies, glomp Phe-chan and Lesley also just for the sake of it, get my curry dinner from Rachel that she owes me, pop by the wu shu club to say hi to Lydia, Ben and Elaine, listen as Khanat tells all the newbies 10 different names for each one he meets, argue with Vu about the dumbass things he always says and all the tricks he seems to play on me, be a freeloader at Bernie's house like how I've been doing for years... and be able to finally talk with Damian about... everything...

I was really bad last night. I'm sorry Akmal, Khanat.... thanks a lot for caring about me. And trying to help me... even though I probably ignored ya. And to the people who helped calm down today. Yi Xin, Zac, Kriz, Damian, Kei... and... yeah you all know who you are. I felt really bad. I seriously don't know what I'm doing half the time. Or what I'm saying. I really need to be more in control of myself. Kind of retarded how I can magically make myself upset without anything to instigate it. Shows you I'm like... half insane or something. T.T

I've been a really bad friend. I was always thinking about myself. I wasn't thinking about others. My hypocrisy has been off the roof lately. I dunno what I did, or whether I deserve it, I dunno how I ended up making a group of friends who really did care for me, and I was an idiot cause I never realised it at all. Just lamenting while everyone was frantic to help me out. And also to Magdalene and Manju too... for always telling me what I needed to hear, and what I wanted to hear - even after all these long long years. Even though we are sort of apart now, and we'll never be like the old days where we saw each other every single day - we made the best memories during that time - and I'm happy that even now you would still tell me that I can always come back to ya too. Must apologise to Mum and Dad too. Who despite everything tried their best to keep me company and make me happy. I stepped on their kindness and threw it back I think - didn't give enough back in return. Gahhh.... and time is almost up too. I shouldn't have been so sad during the holidays...

Anyway, the best line of the day - what actually made me stop crying (from hilarity). Quite a task if you knew I had enough tears streaming down to fill up my bath tub.

kei-clone: it's 4:27
kei-clone: and as cheesy as this might sound, i am gonna stay awake until you stop crying

I had to LOL from that. You say the best things sometimes kei, you and your cheesy flirty lines you always used to give me, and I haven't spoken to you for ages beyond ages. The tears stop just cause I was too busy laughing. The poor guy, exhausted from partying all night and still having to stay up cause of me when he gets home. XD What would I do without you guys I wonder? Seriously. :D

It's my final week at ISB. I'll make the best of it. I'll make sure I clean up Debbie's room well enough so that she always stays organised! It's the least I can do when she took me in without knowing I only went to distract my mind. Not really cause I was after anything else. Or wanting to help out. I just needed a distraction. But it's been interesting anyway. And a part of me has a nice satisfaction, I went in as scared as a mouse. I was worried what I would do when I return to Aus! Honestly, how am I gonna be MCAC's prez when my temperment is like... a mouse?? I have become really quiet it reminded me of like... the ISB days. T.T I'm not finishing my term of office as a mouse. I'm not that quiet!! The current committee is going out with a bang even if it kills me!!! But yeah, now weeks later at ISB, I feel happy to walk around confidently, barge into every class without much problem (I was soooo scared of doing that at first), and be able to talk to a number of teachers...

Okay, okay. Whatever it is. Must hold on. Must hold on. Must not throw fits randomly every single day. Must not cry. Must not ignore people who care about me. @.@ I didn't really realise (or maybe I did - I was always denying everything just to 'play the victim' if you know what I mean... a bad habit, I seriously need to stop 'playing the victim', cause I am not the fucking victim lol, I cause things myself at times...), after always lamenting on being alone I was never alone to begin with and I made friends who have spent half the holiday trying to keep me calm, and feel really bad I dragged them down with me.

A prayer that this good feeling will last. And that I'll go back to being indepedant. And staying independent. I wasn't raised to fucking depend on others and I don't want to be a selfish bitch who doesn't appreciate the things around. Some people told me they thought I was really independent when they first met me! It was a mask but... but... it was a mask that was becoming truth. I think. Slowly... you know, I really did forget Samuel's words. "Look at what you do have, not what you don't". Gah, I'm so stupid!! And crap, I had a lot and never realised it at all. So that's where all the hits on my blog was coming from. I didn't know that... everyone... and I mean everyone was... worried about me.... *sniffs*... oh and another reaction. OMG, all you bastards were readin my blog? Crappppp. *embarrassed*

2009 just started. Okay. I'm not gonna fall down just yet. T.T I'll have my downs still of course but... I'll stay up most of the time even if it kills me. T^T I can breathe now. Hehe. I feel really good, like I'm alive right now. I wonder if I've gotten over something...?

Having too much free time on your hands really does put the worst thoughts into your mind. I want to go to sleep right now but I'm still waiting for someone to come online... but I don't think they will. I feel sick. It's too much to ask but why is it that the people I want to see are never around when I need em'?

I really feel like doing something to myself to make me forget it all...

A day with the ups and the downs...

It's sort of unbelievable how a single day could have it's ups and downs. I woke up at around 9 AM, which was sort of weird if you considered the fact that I got to sleep at 3 AM. You would think that I would like... sleep longer. But I got up without an alarm so... *shrugs*. I only decided to like... get out of bed at 10:30 AM though. And not a single person was at home. In general, the day was depressingly boring. I went to nap at like... 1 AM, which is sort of funny if you consider the fact that I only woke up like a few hours earlier. Some stuff happened here and there, I sadly can't even say on my own blog. But yeah, it sort of brought my whole day down right then and there.

Hmm. 3 PM, mum helped me pack luggage for Australia. I seem to be bringing more then I brought back. CRAP. My luggage was too much so now I have... my luggage plus a box full of stuff. I am DEFINITELY going overweight. Gahh! I hope it isn't more then 30 kg, or I won't know what to do. I didn't really want the box at first cause like... it means I have to make use of a trolley when I get to Melb airport (I normally don't use them because they charge you $4). Normally I just have my one huge luggage, laptop bag on my back and purse on my shoulder. Sadly, you need both arms to carry that box. I still dunno how I'm getting from the airport back to Clayton. =.=

Around 4:30 PM, I went driving! I haven't touched the car since I got my license a year ago - so I was really nervous, and didn't really know what I was doing. But my parents were like... practice, so I went onto a nearby road in the area that doesn't have people around (so I could practice steering and stuff). I'm still a bit... rough around the edges so I don't have the courage to... drive onto a crowded road just yet. Parking will be a problem to... (reverse parking that is - and we can forget me and side parking, lol). Before heading back, we went to Hua Ho Manggis cause I wanted to buy some ribbon for the calender cards yesterday. I decided to punch holes into the corners of them to make them into bookmarks instead. Otherwise they are pretty useless (I should of said that the calenders on them were from 2008, the 2009 ones were too costly to buy 200 of em'). At least now they have a purpose (besides looking nice). It'll take me a long while to tie on 200 pieces of ribbon onto 200 pieces of card though...

Dinner was alone. Rest of night was dull and generally alone. Was sort of told by someone important to me that I wasn't needed. A bit down from that I guess. I wonder how many more people that I care about are gonna tell me that I'm unwanted and a nuisance? Need something to get my mind off. It's really weird. Why is it that the people I want attention from the most are the ones that give it to me the least? Then I have other people I seem to ignore more often who I know wouldn't ignore me if I gave them that attention. Maybe it's karma, cause I don't give attention to everyone equally - and seek out only certain people that the people I actually want to see the most are the ones that ignore me the most. But it's not something I can help. It also shows how blind I am. The people I may like the best obviously don't return that feeling.

Mmm. Am hoping I can go outside tomorrow. Not too sure though, tomorrow looks like another day of me, alone... moping around the house. Not to sound so terrible. I know you all would come to keep me company if we didn't have something known as... being in different countries get in our way. And whoever is in the same country as me wouldn't come see me anyway, since I'm not worth the time am I...

Miri Escapades

I woke up at 5:59 AM today thanks to... AKMAL! Sending me an SMS at 5:59 AM, lol. Okay, thankfully it was that time and my alarm goes off at 6 AM, hahaha. Something came up and it required us to head to Miri for a bit. Normally when we go to Miri... we plan the day before and leave our house by 5:30 AM. I was planning to head to ISB today, but since my parents were like... go to Miri, I went to school to tell Debbie but she was with a student in a counselling session so I decided not to intrude. I just wrote a sticky note, shoved it onto her screen and hobbled off. After that we left the house to Miri at 8:30 AM once we were ready (which is LAATTTE for us).

Once everything was cleared up, Miri = food + shopping. There was stuff I needed to get here before heading back to Aus. Namely... contact lens (I have 4 months worth), face cream and calender cards for MCAC's O-week. I was planning to get 200 of them to give to the first 200 new members. They are quite pretty - but sadly, there wasn't much choices for nice anime related ones (at the price I wanted them to be at). So I mostly bought cute ones cause it was better then just having Naruto everywhere (bleh~). The better ones were too expensive (for our budget). With this, hopefully our O-week will start shaping up once we get a few other details done (namely, volunteers, sponsors, advertising flyers and posters). A big shoutout to my committee for working over the holidays to get everything together *huggles her Yi Xin, James, Sam and Drue*.

Cute designs! Just a sample, hehe.

I was walking around some shoe stores also looking for boots. For my... dress... for O-week. But... but... they don't sell boots!! My mum was like... you're not gonna find em'. People don't wear boots around here normally, it's not in style. It's too hot here. Everyone wears slippers, lol. I'll try looking in Brunei otherwise it's panic time. I don't have time to buy boots in Aus! I need it for O-week! O-week is... the DAY AFTER I GET TO AUS. T.T Gahhhh!! And the day I get back I can't go boot shopping. I'll probably be sick, and ignoring that I want a committee meeting + volunteers briefing for the C&S Carnival. *hits head* Boo boo... and Ebay has such nice boots too...

What else. Hmm.. Miri.. ate... kolo mee. Cause we like the kolo mee there. The ones cooked by Fuchou people. They're great. And cheap. And yeah... we just bought the usual. Food for dinner (at the Chinese place we like going to), umm... pastries from the home-made confectionary place that everyone who knows the area is familiar with... and yeah, I think that's it. We went to that E-Mart place for once cause the papers have been saying what a success it is. First it was a warehouse place with like.. food stalls, but that didn't work. Now they converted it to like place with small stalls full of cheap crap, and it's been like the next big thing because of that (smart owner I guess).

I now eat more. I'm gaining weight back. My legs are still so fat! Wahhhhh!!! Noooo! I don't want to be fat!!! I've had enough. T.T *hits head* But I think I need to do sports, lol. No point in losing weight by dieting, I don't want excess body fat... need sports... I need to find sports to do in Aus. Something I can enjoy... and won't lead to many leg injuries. T.T Rest of night... ate dinner alone + MSN. Oh joy to the world. Whatever, lol. Only 2 weeks left anyway. I need to seriously concentrate on MCAC now. Will continue being emo and fret later, haha. I want my 200 new members within 3 days! *nods*