Valentine's Day...

Relapsed. Almost relapsed! Oh yay for panic attacks!! Gooo Celine for your panic attacks! *hits her fuckin damn head against the wall* Bah. *hugs Tom, Akmal and Zac* yeah, I won't say I'm alone. Cause as Zac said, Celine isn't alone. They would be here with me if they weren't like 10000 km overseas. That they would come and gimme a hug if they could. And they are here in spirit at least. And...and... I'll get to see them once I get back to Aus. ^^ Yes, I'm fine now. Yea know... reading back at my own post now. I sound like a spoiled brat, lol. I would slap someone like myself if I met them (oh yay! HYPOCRISY~). I should stop. Really. Haha. I calmed down. I am obviously not okay in present times since I get riled up so easily. I don't think there is anything wrong in having panic attacks once in a while but... yeah I have em' too often so I really gotta relent on the emotions for a bit. I have a week left in Brunei. It's okay, I'll just rest - spend time with parents - maybe meet some people and just concentrate... I dunno... on whatever. To keep my mind from breaking up anymore then it already has. I'm glad this hell of a holiday is finally coming to an end...

Uhh... last night was watching Inkheart. It was an okay movie, I know of the book because Inkheart was written by Cornelia Funke, who is also the author of The Thief Lord, and I studied that one for ENH1990 in 2007. It had an interesting concept, but the movie was so late I was yawning since it wasn't exactly snap and kaboom everywhere. Hmm. I got home past 12, Ming drove me back (sorry dude... it must have been like an hour to your house from my place T.T), and went to sleep by like 1 or something since I was exhausted (well I did wake up at 5:30 AM yesterday morning). Today morning... uhhh... slept until like... 10 AM, hahaha.

It's Valentine's Day. To protect myself from getting upset on spending this... day... alone (okay that's a lie - so there were other offers for company on this day but you know... there is only one guy that I really want to spend THIS day alone with... I just don't feel comfortable with anyone else - don't blame me T.T I wanna be loyal) I asked a certain female friend to keep me company for the day. Cause she said she would, to make sure I stayed cheerful in the afternoon at least. I have not seen this friend for a long while now, so it was good to catch up, gossip and talk about... a lot of things that we've experienced in the past few years. I've been a terrible friend and sort of... not really asked some people what has been up with them. We had lunch at Cheezbox! Never been there before (to eat anyway). Uhh... the food is alright. Wasn't that good either. We had Chocolate Bubble Milk Tea and Baked Chicken Chop Spaghetti (me) and her with rice (but the same thing). With like white sweet corn sauce or something. It was good but got really tiring after a while. Cause you know... it was like the same taste over and over again. And like... cheese and white sauce... gahh... I can feel the fat coming on right now. I was looking at the few photos of myself today. I look fat. I dunno... I think I do. But technically on the scale my weight is lower then ever right now...

Okay, let's not get into that. Haha. We watched Bride Wars today. Which was an enjoyable movie. Very funny. I was laughing a lot and like going "Kyaaaaaa~!!!!" a lot of times. That movie's about two best friends for life who have always wanted to get married at a certain place. And they both got engaged near the same time. And the marriage was planned for the same day at the same place (but you technically can't do that). So thus, chaos ensues~ excellent thing to watch with a fellow girlfriend. Maybe not such a great idea on Valentines Day, lol (I was joking how I would say "I wanna get married!" after watching the movie - the weddings are so glamourous - although if I ever got married it would not be glamerous nor would I think there would be much of a ceremony as I recall my parents not liking that sort of thing... ah well. A girl can dream at least - maybe I can attend a friends wedding that is like that *nods*).

What else did we do... uhh.. we were looking for boots! Cause I needed boots for O-week. But... Brunei dun have much boots. I found one pair I liked and like... largest size was 39. I'm a size 39 but it was too small. Gah... I'll need to think of a plan for O-week as I don't have the right shoes now for my dress. Let's see, I bought some gifts for some people, stationary for myself and more ribbons for MCAC bookmarks. In front of Jaya Hypermart, a guy was giving out free ice-cream. 'Valentines' ice-cream or whatever (it was a strawberry cornetto). Hahaha. Uhh... random pick of me with the ice-cream on the side here. I stopped by the Salon for a bit, to make an appointment. We also ran into Tony (Tony Wong for the ex-ISB-ians reading this) and his friends. I know he finally returned to Brunei yesterday I think - we said we were gonna meetup like tomorrow or sometime next week. I assume next week now. Haven't seen him in years so I thought I'd just meet up before I run off to Melbourne again and he goes wherever for uni. He still looks, sounds and acts exactly the same, lol. What else did we do... had DQ ice cream also. Yes, more ice cream. But it's V-day! And I wanted to eat chocolate so... eat ice cream with chocolate in it.

I was wearing a bit of an odd thing today. I dunno, I was trying to look cool? But it sort of failed. Hahaha. Uhh... this weird black bow thing over a white tank. If I gain a single pound I wouldn't be able to wear that anymore though cause it was really small.... okay, just random pic to like show you what I was wearing today. Haha, mum was like... "Oh.. that's sort of cute actually." A bit different from what I usually wear (which is pink, with ribbons , chiffon or frills, lololol). It sort of made me look fat though? I think? Hmm... what else to say. When I got home there wasn't really much else for me to do. I had a panic attack but thanks to the care of Akmal, Tom and Zac, hehe they put me right again. XD *hugs you guys* Yeah, I need to stop that. Even though one of em' said that it's normal that people get like this once in a while. You aren't the only one. Didn't feel like eating dinner. Yeah, I'm not alone. I know that. But I feel lonely still I guess? I wonder how long I'll have to spend every year dreading my birthday... dreading Valentines... dreading whatever. In fear that it'll be spent alone, as many years has been constantly. I really can hardly remember any good memories happening on these days. I mean I sort of said I'll stop thinking of the past. Cause ya know... past is the past. Make better use of the present. The day was fine but the night was extremely lonely. It didn't have to be this way but I didn't really want to spend it with any other person. But I don't want to be grasping at just the air forever - and never being able to hold onto anything. It's nearing 12 now... dunno what else to do really. Right now. I might actually just sit here and stare at the wall. I've done it before, lol. But I think when I do that kind of thing it's sort of like stage one of me going a bit nuts. XD Heh.

I know Valentines was created by Hallmark, it's a commercialised event that means nothing. But... really, I could easily think the same too but you know, the small stream of tears wouldn't stop falling when I saw other happy couples up and about. Dressed up. Laughing. Getting ready for a nice dinner. Smiling. Being happy. Envy is a sin, but it's human nature, right? I wanna be happy too...