A step forward in the right direction...

Had a rough night. A rough rough night. For starters, my air-con broke so the room was hot. T.T Not that it matters I won't complain considering Melbourne was like an effin' 46 degrees C (holy crap O.O - what's up with the world these days?? =.= while over here we have too much rain and people are losing their homes because of that T.T)... But yeah, even if we ignore that emotions wise I was already like, I dunno, in complete chaos last night anyway. Or I should say this morning. So I barely slept. It was a long night, lol. You know the night passes by faster when you actually fall asleep. My air-con is still broken though (I mean, it is a Sunday today). I'm gonna like... sleep on the couch downstairs to get through the night tonight.

Plans for today was cancelled also. And I was down to begin with so meh, probably better idea if I don't go outside. Uhh... just had lunch with parents, did some errands and what not. By the afternoon it was sort of strange... I think I was gonna reach the boiling point or something. See, first I felt violent. I seriously felt the urge to hurt someone. I guess an offset of my anger. Then I was like... hmm. Not right to hurt others. Maybe myself might be better. I've done it before I'm so clumsy I can easily fall down somewhere ya know. Dunno if people realised or not, I know I tend to have a lot of bruises but some of them are self-inflicted. Not that I'll ever admit it. :P Then.. I sort of don't even remember. Uhh... oh yeah, I took a nap. To stop myself. I woke up and felt better - at least I didn't feel so angry. But then I still felt all depressed. Bah. Was online trying to decide whether to stay on or not. I am really getting to my limits you know. Badly. Only two more weeks left... gotta hold on. I need to hold on. I sooo need to hold on. Then I can go see everyone again... will go cry to Xin and Sha, hug Kriz and Stanny at their new place, slap Sam, Tom, James and Drue on the back, visit Akmal's new place, glomp Tsan as we bake cookies, glomp Phe-chan and Lesley also just for the sake of it, get my curry dinner from Rachel that she owes me, pop by the wu shu club to say hi to Lydia, Ben and Elaine, listen as Khanat tells all the newbies 10 different names for each one he meets, argue with Vu about the dumbass things he always says and all the tricks he seems to play on me, be a freeloader at Bernie's house like how I've been doing for years... and be able to finally talk with Damian about... everything...

I was really bad last night. I'm sorry Akmal, Khanat.... thanks a lot for caring about me. And trying to help me... even though I probably ignored ya. And to the people who helped calm down today. Yi Xin, Zac, Kriz, Damian, Kei... and... yeah you all know who you are. I felt really bad. I seriously don't know what I'm doing half the time. Or what I'm saying. I really need to be more in control of myself. Kind of retarded how I can magically make myself upset without anything to instigate it. Shows you I'm like... half insane or something. T.T

I've been a really bad friend. I was always thinking about myself. I wasn't thinking about others. My hypocrisy has been off the roof lately. I dunno what I did, or whether I deserve it, I dunno how I ended up making a group of friends who really did care for me, and I was an idiot cause I never realised it at all. Just lamenting while everyone was frantic to help me out. And also to Magdalene and Manju too... for always telling me what I needed to hear, and what I wanted to hear - even after all these long long years. Even though we are sort of apart now, and we'll never be like the old days where we saw each other every single day - we made the best memories during that time - and I'm happy that even now you would still tell me that I can always come back to ya too. Must apologise to Mum and Dad too. Who despite everything tried their best to keep me company and make me happy. I stepped on their kindness and threw it back I think - didn't give enough back in return. Gahhh.... and time is almost up too. I shouldn't have been so sad during the holidays...

Anyway, the best line of the day - what actually made me stop crying (from hilarity). Quite a task if you knew I had enough tears streaming down to fill up my bath tub.

kei-clone: it's 4:27
kei-clone: and as cheesy as this might sound, i am gonna stay awake until you stop crying

I had to LOL from that. You say the best things sometimes kei, you and your cheesy flirty lines you always used to give me, and I haven't spoken to you for ages beyond ages. The tears stop just cause I was too busy laughing. The poor guy, exhausted from partying all night and still having to stay up cause of me when he gets home. XD What would I do without you guys I wonder? Seriously. :D

It's my final week at ISB. I'll make the best of it. I'll make sure I clean up Debbie's room well enough so that she always stays organised! It's the least I can do when she took me in without knowing I only went to distract my mind. Not really cause I was after anything else. Or wanting to help out. I just needed a distraction. But it's been interesting anyway. And a part of me has a nice satisfaction, I went in as scared as a mouse. I was worried what I would do when I return to Aus! Honestly, how am I gonna be MCAC's prez when my temperment is like... a mouse?? I have become really quiet it reminded me of like... the ISB days. T.T I'm not finishing my term of office as a mouse. I'm not that quiet!! The current committee is going out with a bang even if it kills me!!! But yeah, now weeks later at ISB, I feel happy to walk around confidently, barge into every class without much problem (I was soooo scared of doing that at first), and be able to talk to a number of teachers...

Okay, okay. Whatever it is. Must hold on. Must hold on. Must not throw fits randomly every single day. Must not cry. Must not ignore people who care about me. @.@ I didn't really realise (or maybe I did - I was always denying everything just to 'play the victim' if you know what I mean... a bad habit, I seriously need to stop 'playing the victim', cause I am not the fucking victim lol, I cause things myself at times...), after always lamenting on being alone I was never alone to begin with and I made friends who have spent half the holiday trying to keep me calm, and feel really bad I dragged them down with me.

A prayer that this good feeling will last. And that I'll go back to being indepedant. And staying independent. I wasn't raised to fucking depend on others and I don't want to be a selfish bitch who doesn't appreciate the things around. Some people told me they thought I was really independent when they first met me! It was a mask but... but... it was a mask that was becoming truth. I think. Slowly... you know, I really did forget Samuel's words. "Look at what you do have, not what you don't". Gah, I'm so stupid!! And crap, I had a lot and never realised it at all. So that's where all the hits on my blog was coming from. I didn't know that... everyone... and I mean everyone was... worried about me.... *sniffs*... oh and another reaction. OMG, all you bastards were readin my blog? Crappppp. *embarrassed*

2009 just started. Okay. I'm not gonna fall down just yet. T.T I'll have my downs still of course but... I'll stay up most of the time even if it kills me. T^T I can breathe now. Hehe. I feel really good, like I'm alive right now. I wonder if I've gotten over something...?