The last day in Brunei...

The last day in Brunei. Mixed feeling. I mean, you all know I wanna go back to Aus. It's obvious I have a lot more fun there (albeit it sounds stupid I didn't have much fun in my holiday and have more fun during the school year? I mean... I have to do work at uni and that comes with enough stress also...T.T). But, a part of me doesn't want to leave funny enough. I feel bad for my parents. I never really seem to be laughing or having much fun but... I really appreciate what they do for me. And I wanna stay with them. They try their best to please me and keep me happy, but as always... like what I seem to do with all the people who regard me as important - I take it all for granted. I wonder if I'll slowly lose all those I love if I keep going on like this. It's already happening and... I can't take it. I wanna hold onto what I have right now... and get back what I lost. Appreciation is one of the greatest lessons in life for someone innately selfish like Celine. It's only when things are gone that I realise so much that I had. Is this why my life is full of nothing but regret?

Last night watched Valkyrie with Ming. I ate dinner at my house, but I joined him for dinner at West Side Cafe and just drank a mocktail. We managed to kill time for 2 hours until the movie started, but yeah... we were pretty bored in Centrepoint. I've walked that place like 50000 times already. No more... please. Valkyrie kept my heart pumping (okay, ignoring the fact that my pulse has been high for days cause of my... depression). I knew what was gonna happen in the end, but it was another case of I was hoping for a different outcome to the movie, ya know? Sort of like what I feel right now. What has happened in these last few months... I want a different outcome from what happened. Not the one that really took place. I'm still hoping for things but I wonder if I'm just in denial? That the hope is long gone already. But I don't want to give up just yet. I am not giving up just yet. I am not.

Today... went to lunch with my parents and we just jumped around from place to place buying things for the house and just talking about random stuff. A good day with them actually. At night we went to Villa Mauri for dinner, me, mum, dad, my bro and his gf. It's this Italian place near our house opened up by an Italian man. Hehe. The food there is good, although expensive. I had some pasta, a bit of tiramisu... uhh.. what was the mocktail I had, a manga rita or something like that. It was good. Appetite wise I can hardly eat but I at least ate food though. Last dinner with them for a long time. It's not often I eat dinner with my family... so it's really nice to not eat alone. If only good times can go on forever...

Let's just say, I am happy that this holiday is ending. Too much has happened, too much has changed. Too much has changed for me. I don't act the same anymore, and I'm coming back to Aus as a wreck (as many of you know - I'm in poor health right now, I can't help it...). It's funny, going home is supposed to refresh you for the stresses of uni to come. I've had the opposite effect. I'm now more tired then ever now. But, I wanna pick myself up - cause I don't want to... I CAN'T live like this forever. That's for sure.

Since with this entry marks the end of my summer holidays, I think I have a bit of thank you to give out to various people. For helping me throughout these three months. With my... various problems (some which were not problems to begin with, just stuff my mind generated cause of my insecurity, distrust, selfishness and innane sense of jealously). Let's see...

Tom: For watching out for me, worrying about me and your attempts to keep me calm and to cheer me up.
Kriz: For always giving me kind words when you never knew what was going on.
Lesley: For always sending me messages to cheer me up, and for caring about me.
Phe-chan: For being your wonderful genki self! For always being positive, and caring about me. And giving me hugs.
James: Giving me support when I need it - and handling MCAC related things when I went against what I promised as the Prez... and did basically nothing due to my emotions.
Raine: Caring about me and giving me support. And making me laugh with your hilarious solutions to my problems (unrealistic - but funny).
Samuel: For worrying about me, and giving me your advice using all the knowledge that you have in your head, lol.
Stan: For keeping me company especially in December, giving me advice and calming my worries.
Manju: For caring about me during the time of low. And giving me your hug when I needed it. For telling me some of the things that I always just wanted to hear. For being my friend after more then a decade of knowing each other.
Vu: For being your idiotic self and without knowing, getting me to laugh during times of low.
Tsan: For being your sweet wonderful self. :D

And for the people who really spent a ridiculous amount of time on me...

Akmal: For phoning me all the way from Malaysia numerous times when I threw panic attacks. For keeping me company on MSN for hours beyond hours during my time of loneliness. For being there when I really needed someone to be there. For bearing it when I blew you off in anger, annoyance or sadness.
Zac: For your advice, your opinions and your honest sense of judgement on a lot of things. For phoning me from Australia to keep me company. For all the constant MSN cons to keep me busy.
Khanat: For constantly trying to get me to laugh with your... weirdo MSN con topics and odd sense of humour. For worrying about me when I never seem to tell you anything - or tend to ignore you. For taking your care for granted.
Magdalene: For a friend that I've known for a bit longer. For still being my friend despite all the time that has past between us (and the fact that we've both changed). But yeah... for your advice, witty remarks, your brutal honesty and 'interesting' conversations we tend to have from time to time. I'm sorry I never seem to be there for you. Or to help you. You always talk about what I bad friend you are but... honestly, they don't get worse then me.
Yi Xin: To the person whom I've buried everything onto. And burdened with the most. I can only thank you for not giving up on me yet. Words cannot express how you've tried to help me, and how much time and worry you spent. I can only apologise for bringing you down with me, when you do not deserve such a thing. If only I could be a better friend...
Damian: I'm sorry. And thank you. For everything.

Last entry in Brunei. Won't post one tomorrow and maybe not Monday either. Not sure. Whatever it is, for the aussie readers. I'll be seeing all of you guys soon. Give you a hug when I see you all. It's been a turbulent holiday. Not one of the ones I wanna remember. But one I probably won't forget. Let us hope that the lessons learnt are lessons that will stay with me. For now and forever.

Reply to comments...
@Khanat: Hehe. Yep yep. Soaked up plenty of home atmostphere. And rolled about on my favourite couch. *sniffs* Goodbye Couch! It might be gone when I return. My parents think it's too dirty.
@Mag: Yeah, hehe. Thanks XD