I think I'll talk about the actual day first before moving onto a whole mass of emo-ness. Perhaps I should put a disclaimer on my blog. That is that... the blog is my last resort to get my feelings out. If you don't want to read it, GTFO. As I read on the wall of my high school counsellor's room "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." I don't care what I write here. If you wanna complain, I'll IP ban you from this blog if you can't GTFO yourself.
Today was Kim's birthday! As I had no class until 1 PM, I tumbled down to uni at 11 AM since Vu2 told me last night that it would be around 12-ish PM. From what I know, the plan was that Team A would get cake + card and Team B would get present from Chaddy. Apparently there were two cakes, two cards and a load of gifts (I only know the guys got her a hat, Zac gave her a giant Yoshi, Sebby-chan gave her a giant bear annnd Mel gave her sweets and earings). Hehe, at 12 Kim came and we sang happy birthday. And she got her gifts. Then add another 10 minutes and it was cake 1 time. I ran to MUISS to steal a knife. And we sang her Happy Birthday again! Reallly loudly in the Main Dining Hall. Everyone stared at us but it was great. But that's cause it's MCAC lunch table, I mean c'mon, there is like over 40 people there. Haha.
I went to class then came back for Dantai practice. While standing around, I spotted Izzati and Han Lin. So I went over, and Zati told me that Ieja was actually at Clayton for once O.O (cause she's a Caufield student) so I ran for it!!! And we had a good talk, and some good cries from me. And much advice from Zati (whom I have just found out is dating Nazri... Me: WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME?? lol here I am not noticing when two good friends of mine hooked up...). After that I went to Dantai practice... uhh sat around a bit. Was on laptop most of the time. Jono left me in charge of Balalaika now. Uhh... okay. I shall try my best to learn it and teach it... lol.
After that was English class which was boring. Then I walked home all emo as usual and blasting music into my ear (which I find is no longer an effective way to keep my thoughts in order). Shit. As always, I leeched dinner off my housemates. I feel bad, I need to cook. I need to get myself in order.
So let's move onto the rambling emo business. How should I say this... this morning. Someone had to pass me some certain information. Perhaps it would have been better to not have known? Ignorance is bliss? But better late then never, eh? If I only knew from the very beginning I wouldn't have to live through this 6 weeks OF FUCKING HELL. I... finally decided to wake up from my little dream. The past 6 weeks of me being in denial. In delusion. I have been in pain, and I have slowly been destroying myself for naught. From 1 AM - 3 AM today morning, I cried like I've never cried before.
Right now, I am not sure what is hurting me anymore now. That I was tricked? That I've been lied to? That everything was a lie? That I was living in my own little dream. Clinging onto hope that was never there to begin with? Quoting 1 Litre of Tears... yeah I've definiltey cried more then 1 litre of fucking tears, man. Probably enough litres to fill your bathtub. And what burns my heart the most? IT WAS ALL FOR NAUGHT. It was one-sided. I was in pain in my lonesomeness. I was sad for someone who would never feel sad for me. I should of noticed it earlier, but as Amanda put it... "yeah, I'm a delusional girl in love." From the way I see it, I was a stupid stupid FUCKING GODDAMN STUPID IDIOTIC MORON of a person in love. And I still am, but I shan't be for much longer because it isn't worth it anymore. I know this. I know this. I'll beat it into my head - into my damn soul if I have to.
Let's see... what have I done to myself in the past few months. I've lost more weight then I would want, by starvation rather then eating healthy. So my health went out the window. I've NEVER unpacked my room. It's in a mess. I've been living in a mess. I AM ON THE VERGE OF FAILING MY COURSE. I am a fool. I can never concentrate in class. I am always crying rather then doing homework. My readings just lead to tears. I have not done any work whatsoever. I have been neglecting my friends, ANGERING my friends, IGNORING new friends that I could have made. Put up with all the GOSSIP, all the laughter, of people thinking I am a stupid idiot for being sad for weeks. I am a fool. Who was naive and tricked, because I trusted the words of someone - more then I could ever imagine. And when I thought it was words I could trust, it turns out that it was all for nought. It's just betrayal now. I've been betrayed... again.
I said I was in a FUCKING HOLE right. Well, I truly realise now that the person who pushed me in will NEVER EVER help me out. SO FUCK IT. I'm climbing out myself then. A lot of people have went to see me, and have now told me in there harsh and strict manner, that they cannot help me anymore. I can only help myself. That they are waiting for me. The day I can proudly sit with everyone, to laugh and smile like today was my very last. FUCK IT. I am coming back to them then even if it kills me. I don't know what to think or feel right now. But I don't fucking care anymore. I am tired of this.
Today I was under the care of Amanda. My sole friend who has never left me even once. Through all odds, and all her sacrifices. I spoke to Magdalene, one of my dearest friends from Brunei, who is witty, sharp and would probably bitch slap everyone if she could. I got to see Ieja and Izzati, whom I have neglected but whom no matter what distance, time or language barriers we may ever have - would still offer me their hand. I know Stanny is waiting for me. I know Jia Chee is waiting for me. I know Phe is waiting for me. FUCKING HELL. Everyone has told me "COME BACK TO REALITY!" I am, goddamit I am. I spent 6 weeks in a worthless dream that didn't add up to anything in the end.
I've been pwned so badly. But... as Stanny put it. Celine is couragous and brave. And I'll stand up by myself. Dammit, I didn't live this long to fall now. I am someone with no motivation, so I put no effort into anything. So I look like a lazy fool who can't do anything. But I'll believe the words of my mum when she said I was good at anything and everything, if I ever bothered to try to begin with. Ieja has given me a one week cut off date. She told me I am too be normal again in one week. Cause it's been long enough already. I'll wake up from this dream, because tomorrow is just another day.
At the very least however, let me cry for another week then. I guess I am still a fool, eh? No one understands why I am even bothering to be sad. That it isn't worth it. But I am. I can only say, at least I am proud that my feelings were real. Because I do not want to go down to the level of someone who is nothing but a lie. But... I guess because it was real that the pain is just more overbearing. Gah, mum always did say... you know the ones who are in love, and the ones who are emotional and more compassionate, or the ones who are in pain in the end. Being the good girl doesn't always amount to everything in the end. I wish I could have no emotions... even if it is rather sad if you ask me... may I look back at this time in five years time and laugh at the past two months. Laugh at my foolish self for believing, clinging onto useless hope and crying for nought.
"A million words wouldn't bring you back. I know because I've tried. Neither would a million tears. I know because I've cried."
Tuesday 31 March 2009
Tuesday 3 March 2009
When life itself ended when this all began...
"I'm going to smile and make you think I'm happy, I'm going to laugh, so you don't see me cry, I'm going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me - I'm going to smile."
Tuesday, March 3rd
Finally! It's over!!! O-week advertising is over!! MCAC has prevailed with.... DUM DUM DAHHHH!!! 350 members! Last year we only got 180 at O-week (and we thought THAT was a lot). I mean I only estimated 200 for this year. LOL. Okay, so I was off by 150 people. BIG DEAL! Anyway, the committee is now under great pressure to make a great BBQ, scavenger hunt and first screenings. Me: OH FUCK. T.T
I can't really remember what else happened today. O.o I didn't do much advertising. Just hung about and did whatever. I joined the Japanese club!! Haha, Alex convinced me. Now I'm part of so many clubs! Umm... I saw Izzati today ~ she joined ASEAN too... and not much else.
Wednesday, March 4th
I actually can't remember what happened here. Uhh... I woke up... went to Caulfield for 11 AM class. It was a lecture. Not much else. Then I went back... sat at lunch table. Like forever I think. MCAC meeting... on this day. *shrugs* Got home pretty late.
Thursday, March 5th
Uni... Japanese club BBQ and Alex's birthday! Japanese Club is pretty friendly, Scott is on the committee and the prez is nice. Half their club is MCAC, lol. Then we went to Pinewood to firstly eat dinner at a Chinese place, then we went to watch Slumdog Millionaire. That was an awesome movie. Thought provoking. Who was at Alex's dinner and moving outing? Uhh... me, Alex, Amanda, Tom, Sam, Khanat, Chris, Stanny... the usuals. The ATM machine ate my bank card!!! My card expired. And I had no monies. And Amanda had no monies. So Khanat paid for us, lol.
Friday, March 6th
The moral of the past few days? To live every day like your last. Because when good things are happening, enjoy the good things as much as you can. Because they may be gone the day after. The fact that I didn't appreciate things as much as I should have and am a very reflecting person....
Is slowly killing me on the inside.
I thought good times would last forever...
I have to pick myself up. For everyone's sake. It was the most pathetic sight to see today really. To see MCAC's president, freeze at the sight of her club. At the sight of everyone new and unfamiliar. To stare, to have my heart beat so fast, I thought I would die on the spot. It was so loud that I couldn't hear anything else in that huge room full of people. And to run away because I thought no one would follow me.
But. I am happy to see that at least one person came after me. For at least these few people, will I try my best. Because I don't want to be failure of a person to anyone anymore...
If only time had stopped last year when I could laugh as though I meant it...
Afternoon had scav hunt meeting. Invited in Phe-chan, Stan, Oliver and Khanat into the meeting. Got a bunch of ideas written up. I tried my best to hold up and do things even when I don't really want to you know...
Saturday, March 7th
Moo-chan's 21st bday celebration... I knew where we were going but no one else did, lol. It was rather interesting. So in the morning I left with Xin to Clayton station to meetup with Khanat. We were going buy Moo a bday present at Melbourne Central before heading to Southern Cross. We had lunch at that grilled burger place upstairs next to Hoyts, giant burgers FTW! Let's see, K-man bought tea from T2. I got a little cow plushie called Milkshake. Then we went to Southern Cross, saw many familiar faces and met some of Moo's friends. And thus began our interesting treck. First we took a train from Southern Cross down to Eppingdon station. Then we took a bus to some random place. Then we walked on a DIRT ROAD along the roadside to the middle of nowhere. By this time everyone is like.... whuuuuuuut.
But yeah, it was an ice skating rink! But... it wasn't real ice. And I can't skate. It was like synthetic ice, sort of like plastic. Skating on plastic, lol. Apparently it is easier then real ice skating for beginners but the experts can't do much on it since your skates don't slide as nicely. Since I can't skate Stanny, Phe-chan, Jasmine, Ashleigh, and etc. were helping me out a lot. To try and raise me confidence. Did games like hockey, football on skates, dodgeball and the last game of racing by holding onto each other *sobs*. I fell at the last game, before that I didn't really play much. There were around 30 people at the ice skating rink. I knew majority of people, and made some new friends on the day (sort of).
After this was dinnner! We were driven to a train station and trained back to Flinders. Uhh... there I found out that dinner was steamboat at a Chinese place along Lygon street and was a combined party with Denise's 18th bday (FYI for those who dunno, Denise is like... a 2nd year Med student and she just turned 18....). She had a lot of friends. O.o Majority were Med. Our groups were sort of split apart. The steamboat place was awesome. Umm... I sat with Phe-chan, Kriz, Alex, Ashleigh, Matthew, Khanat, Andrew and Annabelle (one of Moo's friends from MDS). There were a lot of people so we were split up. And apparently Moo didn't even eat (and paid for everything O.o his bday must have cost a fortune). Steam boat was rather nice. It's fun to have steam boat with Kriz! Ehehehe. Well since this issss my blog I guess I should be honest, eh? So yeah... I broke down halfway through the steam boat. Kriz and Stanny tried to cheer me up. Am very sorry to Moo. I shouldn't do that, eh? Such a terrible friend really - to cry during his bday celebration...
After the event I didn't want to go home. So me, Khanat, Alex, Kriz and Stanny went to the bar Drue worked at for drinks. But police were around so we coudln't get in without passports. 'cept for Stanny who had actual ID that would work. So yeah, instead we just paid Stanny - who went in to buy drinks and coke/lemonade. Annabelle was with us too, a new friend ~ she's nice (and pretty XD XD). We walked her home first and visited her apartment. Very spacious. XD Then we went to Alex's mum's apartment in St. Kilda. Pretty cool place. It was a nice night. We uhh... played cards. Cheat and Big Two. Then we played um... I forgot what it was called. Where we get Ace, 10, Jack, King and Queen and like... pick a card randomly and the person with Ace says e.g. Truth/Dare "Jack kiss King" or something like that. Then we reveal who is who. It was really funny and no, we didn't do anything too bad. Remind me to never drink sushi soy sauce again though. Yeck. A lot of yaoi action *coughs*. A bit of yuri action?? (note that me and Kriz were the only girls out of us 5). Cause I can't handle alcohol well I sort of got sleepy after 3 or 4 glasses (well that and I was tired anyway cause we woke up so early today). So yeah, me sleep on Kriz' bed. I didn't go home for the night. Shared bed with Kriz. Hahahaha.
Sunday, March 8th
I woke up next to a sleeping Kriz! Uhh... Raine phoned waking me up, lol. She didn't know I was in the city. Today is Naz's leaving party + karaoke session. Unfortunately, it was 10 AM and I was going to get picked up from my house at 11 AM. And I'm in St. Kilda. T.T Uhhh... nooo. So I got up and found Stanny, Khanat and Alex asleep in the living room (whuuut Stanny why aren't you wearing clothes?????). Khanat looked at me the second I stepped in. XD Well since me and Stan weren't gonna make the party, breakfast time! Alex's mum left us eggs, bread, bacon and stuff. So yum yum Alex and Khanat cooked. And we had a lovely breakfast. After some girl talk with Kriz, me, Khanat and Stanny went on the number 3 tram to Caulfield to get back to Clayton. We missed the pot luck party (apparently they had steamboat) NOOO! It was at Vu's place... I MISSED IT. Boo boo I'm the only one who has never been to Vu's house. I always miss everything at his place... I'm sorry Naz... but yeah. Umm.. Bernie picked me up from my house at 2:30 PM I think it was to drive the three of us to glenny (she went there to watch a movie with her friends). Cause yeah... redbox at glenny. I was running late and wore the wrong clothes. My skirt was too short. T.T
Karaoke was... meh. A bit lackluster. A bit of tension in there. For a number of reasons. Yay, karaoke had... Sha, me, Jia Chee, Ly, Bernie-chan, Bernie-kun, Chris, Yvonne, Nat, Ally, Damien, Khanat, Stanny, Vu, Naz, James, Rainy and it goes on and on. Redbox sucks, lol. Crapass songs. There were snacks and food though. I was driven home by Bernie again at night and yeah... the comforts of my dear housemates. There were a few problems at night which I won't say as it isn't my business but I... ran out of my house at night to help a dear friend. Someone else was gonna walk me home at night but along the way met up with Jono and Xin who were coming home from a dinner date. So yeah, all is fine.
All I can say is that... I'm emo. You're emo. My friends are suffering. I've seen too many cry. I hope in the end that everything will end up well for everyone. Life works in the funniest ways I guess. A battle we all gotta fight together. Doesn't help that I still feel lost though.
Monday, March 9th
No class today. I think I went to uni to sit at lunch table and make membership cards. We made all 350 in the afternoon. Drue, me, Rainy, Jess, Amanda and Phe-chan. Rainy/Me cut the printed cards. Drue/Jess folded them. Me/Rainy put them into satchets. And Amanda/Phe-chan pushed them through to the lamination machine. Then we had a committee meeting. It was late by the time we got back. Cause we were brainstorming Scav hunt. Decided to skip out on buying food with the guys for BBQ. Even though it is normally lots of fun. Cause Joanne / Sha made green curry / chapati. Yum.
Tuesday, March 10th
Uhh... I dun think anything in particular happened today. T.T Oh yeah! Now I remember. I was really emo on this day (I'm too lazy to describe my feelings so I'll just say emo). I don't know why, I got really angry. Or maybe more like I felt really left out? Like... I feel like I've lost my place in MCAC ya know. C'mon, I walk up to the lunch table and is ignored. And I can't get a seat. Nor does anyone care whether I am there or not. These are not friends are they? Actually, no. I had a seat but no one would speak to me anyway. The 'friends' that I love so much, and would try so hard to help. Don't tell me that it was so fragile that new people is all it took to have you walk away from me. Am I supposed to be second best again? Is it always gonna be like this? I'm the one people want when no one else better is around?
Nothing is the same anymore. Felt like I'm just slowly losing everything one by one. I'm stuck with unrequited love, my friends are fading away either with their boyfriends/new friends... yeah, time is moving on and I am not moving with it. So yeah, I got up and walked away and was gonna just camp in the library or something (I have 4:00 PM class on Tuesday so I can't get home). But, a ray of light is at the end of the tunnel for the day. Ran into V and Tsan. And I was distressed. V bought me a shake from Coffee HQ and wedges from the Kitchen. And Tsan some choco. So we sat around, chatting and eating. I feel bad I have neglected them. V and Tsan were always great people... saw Han Lin today too at lunch table initially with V and Tsan. LOL, my hair is different!! comment again. XD I love that. I remember Bernie-kun and Ly were like O.O with my hair at karaoke too. Ly said I looked nice though ~
Wednesday, March 11th
MCAC Welcoming BBQ! I went to Caulfield at 9 AM for class. Skipped the lecture at 11 AM to get back to Clayton by around 11:15 AM. When I got there some people were standing around but no committee. Well I knew only Drue would be around for setup. We were one hour behind schedule cause we barely had a BBQ going by 12 PM (which is when the BBQ starts). Didn't have a lighter and Drue was really burdened. We were swamped at the BBQ. I barely spoke to people, and didn't make new friends nor did I socialise. =.= Was stuck at rego. We had 180 attendeees... and I have never saw an MCAC BBQ with like... a HUGE line of people waiting for food. Like the Jap club BBQs, lol. Met a few peeps though. And we tried to get sign ups for the scav hunt.
Rainy and me were at Rego, with help from numerous people (including Henry, Inaz and etc.) Didn't watch what happened at BBQ, but I know Mel, Zac, Xin, Oliver, Drue and a lot of others were there the whole time. Yeah, it wasn't the best event for the organisers cause... we didn't do anything but cook or be at rego. But whatever, glad to see people smile. I tried to make a little welcome speech but it didn't go well cause I suck. LOL. Ah well. I hope people will stay behind with the club. We seem to have more new frequent recruits this time around? Maybe.
And then it was time to pack up. This was when a bit of trouble occured. As Drue had lab until 5 PM. And we had stuff to put into his car. So we waited. Until... well... I had to wait, right? Couldn't just leave the stuff there. While I was talking to Moo about the scav hunt (and my nerves were rather on the edge from the BBQ - yes I am a bad person - probably why I can't make new friends, I'm probably a bitch from hell). I recall yelling at Moo, Xin and Jia Chee today for no reason. Everyone left us behind to Grain Express. Did people expect me to wait one hour for Drue BY MYSELF?
Was really hurt. Was reallly really hurt. The group of people who left, had some of the people I thought were my closest friends in Aus. I won't name anyone but... I was really hurt. Moo said he would stay with me cause I got upset. I went to Monash bookstore at 4:30 PM for a bit cause I needed to buy a book before it closed at 5. Xin phoned during this time and I starting crying (panic attack time) in the bookstore. I don't want to be left behind like this... don't just use me and throw me away at your conveniance. I also cried cause I recall being nasty to Xin before she left but she still phoned me anyway worried for me...
When I got back to Moo to wait I saw Zac, Mel, James, Kai Lun, Khanat and I think Lawrence there. They were a bit confused but I think Xin forced them to go there or something by phoning people up. To wait with me. I tried to say as little words as possible. After a while it was just me, Moo, Khanat and Zac left. Drue and Jess eventually came and went back to lunch table. I wasn't really in the mood so I went to student theatre after this to check out rehearsal. Met some people. Me is now lighting operator for SCUM. ^^ I have a busy two weeks ahead of me...
When I got home... everyone was eating dinner and laughing (or more like finished dinner). My housemates (including the people not from my group of girls). I'll be honest here. I thought they would wait for me (I came home a bit late but not that late... and they knew I would return). So I dunno... I ate dinner (thanks for the dinner guys) and yeah... went upstairs quietly. Not like people have to wait of course. But I would wait an entire night for people if I had to... But yeah, I went up and just cried for most of the night. I'm slowly losing everything am I? I feel so out of place now. Why am I getting left behind? Xin did come up to see me. Rest of the night was me drowing noise in my room with music cause I couldn't bear to hear the laughter downstairs anymore. I dunno... I dub this.. the day when I'm slowly losing my way now.
Thursday, March 12th
Not really the best day. Class at 9 AM... lunch tables. Am I being paranoid? My dear friend is angry at me. I'm not sure why. Or more like maybe I do know why. The paradox I was faced today with? I've known my friend longer but... she chose her boyfriend over me. Not that this is wrong, of course no friend would give up their beloved for me. I'm not worth it anyway. Although I was given up though even if at one time I was someone's beloved. Yeah, I'm not worth anything to anyone, am I?
While discussing scav hunt with Xin and Rainy, a lady came up to us to interview us. She was making a short film about international students. So I was talking my head off in front of a camera and mic. Haha. MCAC lunch table... some people were like... "You're an international student???" Yes I am people. =.=
After this. Japanese Club BBQ again. Uhh... hung with Khanat, Stanny, Vu (hmm how do I differentiate ex-prez Vu and MHS Vu - dun feel like adding such long names to their name). But yeah this was MHS Vu. Met a Jap guy. And stuff. Started crying halfway through the BBQ cause I felt like my dear dear friend has given up on me too. Yeah, everyone I love is gonna throw me away soon... I am starting to slowly feel this now. Probably why I am getting increasingly worse too. I think Xin warned me, I am gonna lose everything if I don't do something.
But how do I bother with people who are gonna pick someone else over me anyway?
Sorry Khanat for pissing you off on this day. I know you just want me to smile. Yeah, I'm no longer capable of smiling right now. And why does anyone want to see my plastic smile anyway? It isn't real...
Left BBQ early, and I didn't want to go to MURP AGM (but congrats Phe-chan for becoming MURP's librarian) - went to MUST for rehearsal. I sat through a full rehearsal of SCUM. Pretty good. I got home... and just went to sleep cause I was tired. I forgot what I did at night. Did I cry again at night? I dunno...
Friday, March 13th
Oh boy... Friday. Gah. Uhh... what did I do? Scav hunt meeting... cancelled plans for the night (was gonn watch movie with Tsan and V... *sniffles) but had so much to do for scav hunt. What a difficult event. Thus why I call it an organisational disaster!!! Team allocation is so difficult. And I had so many complaints and problems. My heart is slowly dying anyway - but just cause I had to - I froze my emotions for the one night.
I went to nap for like 10 minutes cause I was gonna have a panic attack. Then I was like... I don't have time to cry!!! Gahhhh. Yeah, I got up and contiuned with the paperwork. Thanks to everyone for the help. I know Xin, and Sam, and James, and Phe-chan spent FOREVER in the day/night to finish things off.
Saturday, March 14th
MCAC Scavenger Hunt. Oh gawd. LOL. I woke up, and was in a rush to print things out / pack. Xin made me breakky and me, Xin, JC and Joanne ran out of the house to bus loop. Met up with Phe-chan and Kylin and co. at bus stop. Got on bus... had like a million text messages along the way. Stan and Alfred got on the bus halfway through, lol. Got off at Huntingdale and trained our way down. Got to Flinders Street, and got churros! Yum! And waited at Fed Square. More and more people came. Hehehe. And then it started raining. HEAVILY. Me: OH GAWD. T.T
We ran into the visitor centre. Wet. And probably pissed the peeps off. I was shaking during this time, cause I was feeling like things weren't gonna go well. Breaking down under the pressure? I found out TWO team leaders were not coming today, and for some reason Drue had not come either. O.o And well I was breaking down in general anyway. But whatever, the freezing emotions continued and I tried my utmost best to stay positive. Allocating teams was messy, after a while people starting staying in their groups so that was a relief. So it was a matter of just sending people off everywhere. In the end, managed to get every team to have around 10 people! Awesome-ness! I was worried for my team at first but... turns out I was in the most awesome team ever. While I was busy deal with logistics, my name came up with the team name "Team 1 - Gay Giraffe Ninjas". And had some pose where the guys are gay giraffes and the girls are ninjas?? Group photos were taken, we did that go team thing with the circle of hands and off we went when Drue announced for everyone to go!
My team went towards our first clue. Treasury Park! Okay, cool. We took a couple of happy snaps and then trammed over to treasury park. Next to Flagstaff station. Sadly no train to Flagstaff on a Saturday. It was raining and we were soaked to the bone. We saw our game master, Sam there! With an umbrella, the poor guy. Team activity games! Uhh... to sit on each other's laps and... do that circle connecting hands thing. We skipped one activity cause it wasn't possible to do that... in the rain at least. Next clue! Myers! My team got it straight away (guess they are good at solving clues). So we ran back to Melbourne Central. When we got to Myers Amanda told us that another team was still doing their task (that would be Phe's team). So we went to EB and Minotaur for happy snaps. And got free nasty vitamin water. We were all so soaked in our vitamin water picture.
At Myers... we got kicked out cause Stan broke a $50 lipstick on Mel. LOL. The guy got really mad. Ouch. So for makeup we just used Kim's eye liner. Umm... for cross dressing guys... we went to Supre~
After that... Botanical Gardens. Gahhh, it was far! VERY FAR! Painful to walk. In the end I phoned jono cause we coudln't be bothered figuring out where he was. And learned HHY. Then it was lunch... umm... we went to Melbourne Central cause a.) I wanted ichipan and b.) Phe said he and his team would be there, lol. We went back... confusion at Fed Square! My team was leading at this time... over Chris/Alex's. I heard someone say.. "Oh... no wonder they're winning - their all insane." Haha, our team is pretty weird (but awesome). But yeah, confusion... uhh... in the end Drue sorted it out. And he sent us towards Moo. To find Wally! So off we went!! Rules were that we could split into two groups, but must be even and team leaders can't be alone. So yeah... my group went to look around Southern Cross and Stan's team went to look around DFO. In the end, we swapped places but Stan's team managed to find Moo reading on a random platform. My team missed that spot, lol. His activity? POKEMON. Acting like them. It was hilarious actually. I had to act like... Snorlax? lol.
Next activity, find Ashleigh in BORDERS! We did that activity I organised. Last book was hardest to find... cause it was a random title I picked out. The borders ppl figured out in the end we were having a scav, lol. After that... GAHH BOTANICAL GARDENS AGAIN. T.T For MSY! We took a detour to RMIT to get happy snaps. We did a human pyramid in a storm (pwnage!!), we took a pic in some random office in RMIT (and didn't get kicked out, lololol) and thennn we finally went towards Botanical Gardens again. Uhh... we learned MSY in like 5 minutes, lol. Before that, another team was there so we like... went to a nearby tree in BG and hung upside from the tree to get our hanging upside down happy snap. Major pwngage x2. We did attempt an upside down pic at a memorial but Jeremy screwed up cause he can't use cameras, lol.
When we went into the hut where Jono was... Drue and Jess was there. And then Rowan was like "God...". It was a side game in the scav, "find God" basically. We had clues like the fact that God floats, he has red on him and etc. And Drue has a really obvious red tie so... lol. More points for us! End of game and we all headed back to Fed Square. We waited around, got the results. My team was 3rd (BOOO~) Tom's team won. Uhh... then group photo (why does everoyne know the Celine 'pose??') then then then dinner at some Chinese place. Our group had around 30 people at this time. Expensive place but still cool. Ate with a bunch of peeps including Kim, Chris, Drue, Jess, Jeremy, Sam, Tom, Rowan and co.
After that... Amanda and Jono were eating dinner elsewhere. So me, Jia Chee, Joanne, Moo-chan and Jason waited at Max Brennor for her to come back to accompany her home. LOL. Funny thing really... then like... we got on the 'Cranbourne' train. And was in Prahran station.
Amanda: Huh... Prahran? There was a Prahran on this line?
Celine: I dunno....
Moo-chan: GET OFF THE TRAIN!!
*a bunch of ppl run off*
LOL, we were on another trainline. Someone obviously screwed up in Connex. Anyway, we had to wait an extra half hour for a train to South Yarra to get the right train. Tiring day. Blacked out at night.
One thing for certain though. I had A LOT OF FUN ON THIS DAY. A lot of fun. Being happy felt good. I spaced out once in a while, which Stanny knew about but... I was happy. This I can admit.
Sunday, March 15th
Entire day spend at student theatre. I had to get there by 9 AM. Exhaustion. What did I do for the whole day? It was tech day... meaning the day where they play with lights and set lighting ques. Lights are semi-automatic, we mess around to set lights then record them as a lighting que. It took hours beyond hours. Rather interesting actually, a lot of thought goes behind a single lighting effect. We had umm... Pizza for lunch at around 3 PM, and some yummy peanut chocolate chip cookies. I was hoping to get home for steak with the housemates but... we went overtime due to my cough-ups and inexperience that instead of leaving by 7 PM I left at like... 10 PM. LOL. So no dinner for me.
When I came back everyone was playing cards. Umm... I was sort of upset for various reasons. Well, I don't need to explain really. I don't see why I have to explain to people "what is wrong with me". I was NEVER right to begin with. I just smile and laugh most of the days because that's what is expected of me. I can't bring everyone down. But I've felt dead for too long already. But yeah, I came home... ran upstairs straight away and started crying and all that. The only thing I remember mumbling to Yi Xin during that time (as the sole person who would come to help me after all this time) was "Why is everything like this...?". I recall repeating it at least a dozen times.
Oh yeah, I remember saying to her too. "I feel like I'm going crazy." That's cause I was like mumbling the same line continuously. She made me soup and gave me some chocolate buns in the end for some dinner since I had nothing. Soup was really good.
Monday, March 16th
Forgot what happened here. Uhh... I spent the whole day at home. Just chilling around. Ate lunch with Jia Chee / Sha (sort of). Then went to uni for dress rehearsal for SCUM. Then got home. Yeah, that's about it.
Tuesday, March 17th
Hmm. I woke up. Went to uni eventually in the afternoon for class. Hung about lunch tables for two hours. Today was a bit more pleasant I guess. Had class until 5:30 then 6:00 PM call at MUST for SCUM's last rehearsal. Yay, some MCAC peeps waited until 6:00 PM for me to go so that I didn't have to sit around alone.
Dress rehearsal... lol. Uhh... I dunno, I messed up some of the lighting for some reason (although it didn't happen yesterday). It was rather confusing to have the director, lighting director and stage manager all ask you to do this and this. In the end the final command was listen to the director (which I will always keep in mind). Gotta make sure I don't screw up for the real thing. I got home a bit stressed, but yeah... had to sleep early since tomorrow is my 9 AM Caulfield class... oh joy. T.T
Wednesday, March 18th
Ugh, early class. We watched some French film about making films. It was sort of dull, one chick in the lecture hall like fell asleep so obviously and was snoring so loudly we could hear her during the quiet parts of the movie, lol. Lecture was boring as usual. Then I hobbled off back to Clayton for first screenings! That went pretty well!! Around 60 or so people. Not enough chairs. And people generally looked like they were having fun. All's well that end's well, eh?
3:40 PM was my appointment with the physio. He told me to... put my leg into ice every night. Eat pills. Tape my leg into Saturday. Do some funny excercise. He like... ultra sound my leg or something (OW T.T). Anyway, will be seeing him for the 3 weeks or so to hopefully help me out. According to his explanation, my leg is like knitwear. When I first sprained it, body will heal it and heal it good (or knit it well). But once you do it so many times it gets lazy and the strands holding you together (like knit wear) just gets farther apart. And the job is crappily done.
At night... went to Chaddy for VIP night. Was supposed to be with housemates but they left without me. So I bus-ed back to uni to look for Raine and the others. And basically spent VIP night wandering around with Raine, Seb and Kim. I bought... medicine for my leg. And a bath robe (it was like cheaper for 2 - so me and Raine bought one). Uhh... yeah. Our group consisted of Rainy, myself, Seb, Kim, Sam, Tom, K-man, James and Lawrence. Jia Chee, Joanne and Mei Xian were apparently elsewhere. Bernie was there too apparently. We bothered Zac at work, hahaha. Then at 9 PM we waited until Zac finished up (and just went home after that though).
Thursday, March 19th
Can't... remember what I did today. Uhh.. let's see, I have 9 AM class. Then lunch tables. Then I went home, then I came back to uni cause 6 PM the first show of SCUM! It went fairly well, maybe a few hitches here and there. All in all, good enough I would say. ^^
Friday, March 20th Hmm. Got up, went to Caulfield for class. Went back to Clayton. Just had a good time hanging around with MCAC peeps. Went home. Amanda, Khanat, Akmal and Stanny were coming to the SCUM show tonight! So yay to that!! So I tried my best at tonight's show, and it was the best one so far. I only counted two major mistakes. Hehe. After the show, walked back with them (they walked us girls home) and I think K-man and Stanny were gonna drink the leftover spirits that we bought and drank at Alex's house at Stan's place tonight. I was thinking whether to go but... nahhhh.
At home... my housemates were drinking 'goon' and playing cards. So we taught them how to play Big2 cause they dunno how, and I found out what 'goon' is thanks to Cas (my new housemate). It's really cheap wine (which I think kinda sux lol). They tried to teach me how to play 500 but I fell asleep in the process. I could hear them all chatting until 4 AM in the morning. T.T
Saturday, March 21st
A quiet day at home! I got up, was on ebay the whole time. I cleaned up my room slightly, at least I FINALLY unpacked my luggage. Everything, that is. My room is still messy though. YES, I never did unpack. I couldn't. I had fear of normalising my room but... it's too much of an inconveniance now. So, I gotta try my best to withstand things. Then I went to Clayton for lunch with Jia Chee and Amanda. Lunnnch. Yummy, lunch. I've fallen sick by this time but the lunch helped. And I spent loads at Clayton today after not shopping for over two weeks. Uhh... got home. Sat around and rested and off to the theatre. I was sort of sad that I got left behind when everyone went to Kokoblack. Boo boo. Missing out.... for the second time. It was really hot today... the weather was crap. Made a lot of mistakes at the theatre. Even the actors did. I think we were all just hot or tired.
Sunday, March 22nd
A real day at home! Sort of refreshing. I woke up... sat around. Ebay-ed for hours. Yeah, I'm an Ebay addict now. And then I had lunch at 1. And then I baked peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. Haha. Cause I wanted cookies. And then umm... sat around more. Cooked dinner... and had a dinner with everyone. And Jia Chee made red bean soup for dessert (the sweet stuff). Yeah, an actual day at home. Relaxing.
At night... I was sort of raging? Yeah, raging... okay, so I haven't been that angry for such a long time. I dunno, it was sort of good I guess. To release anger. Cause it's been building up. Now I've sort of snapped in a sense. Like I laugh like an idiot for the most mundane matters. I supposed it's better then being emo. The anger wasn't the best thing though. I mean... my arm really hurted (I was punching the wall and well... too hard, lol, bones can't take it).
What was I angry for? I dunno now if I think about it. I guess I was angry that I could let anyone affect myself this much. For this many weeks. It's a bit unlike me. Cause I'm someone who was raised to be in control in a sense, you know. I am timid and passive in nature, but... not in this way either.
Whatever.
Monday, March 23rd
Uhh... woke up. Wrote club email. Read my book. Went to uni for dance practice. I was basically on a high, lol. A peaceful little day I suppose. And I got to eat dinner at home. The last time for a week. Before I head off to MUST. Oh good joy!
I was on a high. On this day. Pretty happy. And all that. Maybe a part of me knew I was trying a bit too hard. But whatever, at least I'm trying, eh? If I don't try the only thing I have left is despair. Heh.
Tuesday, March 24th
Uhh... went to uni. Lunch table. Class again. And yay, MUST again! I don't really remember what else to be honest.
Wednesday, March 25th
Hmm. 9 AM Caulfield class. PAINFUL. T.T Tired. *sobs* Screenings was... screenings, lol. Then just hung about until... MUST! Again. Yay for SCUM~
Thursday, March 26th
Uhh... class. Me going FUCK I have an assignment due tomorrow! Gahhh! Class. Class. Me not doing hte assignment at lunch but hanging around with MCAC. Was showing old photos and stuff. And old dantai videos. Isn't really the best idea for me to look at old photos. Especially ones from last year, but *shrugs* Memories are memories. Even if good memories don't ever come back. Guess I can't avoid it.
Yay, then MUST again! I ran home after this to work on my assignment.
Friday, March 27th
Hooray for no sleep! I finished my assignment. I was in Caulfield library at like... 9 AM. LOL! 9 AM!!! *hits head* I didn't even have class until 11. WTF. But yeah... after that... went back to Clayton. Meeting with committee at 2 PM. One thing I'll miss about my committee? The meetings! Why? Cause we gossip~ and yeah, it's just good fun. I guess being in a committee brings people together. Only good friends with James and Sam cause of the committee thing (no comments on Xin and Drue since we were friends before that hahahaha).
I wanted to go home after the meeting. Cause we normally do. Then I was like.. FUCK. MUST. Gahhh! But yeah, ate dinner. And I played Stepmania with the keyboard!! LOL. Did pretty good for my first and second ever try. Kicked Jimmy's ass!! But to be fair... I am a.) o2jam player (if i can play 7 keys I can play 4 arrows, lol) and b.) DDR player... so I can read the arrows fast enough although I still die cause I can't move my fingers fast enough. Sometimes if there is too many then yeah I get confused...).
Rachel let me copy her stuff to my comp. Then I went to MUST. And yeah... another show.
Saturday, March 28th
Ugh. I thought today would be a shit day. Xin and them were all heading to Springvale for good fooods. LOL. I had crappy instant noodle. T.T In the morning, I went to the post office to get my netbook! Cause it was there but I had no card thingy. I was lucky the guy gave me the box as I had no identification either (he was like "this is the only post office that would do this for you..."). Yay for that guy!!! Anyway contiuing with the crap day... yeah... there was light as Lesley decided to come for my 2 PM show! Yay~ we chatted a bit here and there at the beginning of the show and the interval. Have not seen her since O-week. After the show, Khanat came by from swimming. And so did Kriz / Alex. We went to maccas cause I needed dinner (I didn't realise the campus centre closes so early) and I had some food. At maccas... ran into Stanny and Ginnie. Uhh.. then me and Les walked back to uni.
I was sort of down for most of the day though. And like.. for the shows. So down I didn't know what I was doing. After the last show (FINALLY!!!!) it was... omg.. the time to take EVERYTHING DOWN. It would have taken like... 4 hours (remember that would be like.. 3 AM finish). Me: I wanna go to Supanova though. At 9:30 AM Flinders. T.T FUCK. I went home by 12 AM, lol. It was a scary walk... by myself at that time of the night. They gave me a cute lil' gift before I left and everyone was all like... Yay ~ Celine is awesome. XD Seee ya~
Hmm. I wonder if I should write this. Might as well. Okay, after the last show. And what I was thinking during the show. I'll only say this one. There is one thing I hate the most when it comes to being depressed, reading people's emo messages. And blogs. I hate it when they say that life isn't worth living. That their life sucks. That they wanna die. You'll notice that I never say it. I don't care, no matter how bad things get - my life is awesome. It's good. It's full of blessings and it's wonderful.
So I'll only say this once. And I admitted to Amanda, yeah, this is the first and only time. I made a promise to her.
I was losing the will to live this night. I'll see what happens the next coming week. I may seek some professional help. I want to love life. Not curse it. I know I said I hate waking up everyday. But I still wanted to wake up. I don't know why but now I... really don't want to anymore. It's tiring. I'm tired. I don't want to... try anymore. If I can't make time stop then my time can stop at least right? Am just really tired... I know everyone is like asking me why I'm being so weak? I know I'm weak. What else am I supposed to do? I dunno. I am stuck in a hole. I can't get out. Everyone has tried for weeks to try and get me out. But I can't reach their hands, they are too far away. They have tried so much they are all getting tired too. And some people are finally walking away from me - leaving me in this hole. The person who is closest to getting me out is the one who pushed me in to begin with. But because that person is the one who pushed me in, that person is the least likely to want to help me out.
So I'm stuck. And I'm tired of being stuck. I can just starve and die in this hole, can't I?
Sunday, March 29th
I set my alarm for 6 AM. I was too like... get to bus loop at 8:30 AM to meet up with Jillian for Supanova. *Celine wakes up and picks up alarm* "Hmm.... 7:40 AM... still ea..r..ly... OMFGWTFBBQ@@%#%$##!!!!" Gahhhhhh!!! *runs around like a headless chicken* I took a shower, brush teeth, get dressed, packed bags and etc. in like 20 minutes, hahaha. Then I ran to the bus loop. And Jillian didn't come *sobs*.
So I went on the bus on my own. 2 minutes later James and Raine get onto the bus from the stop near Rainy's house! Oh joy! People to talk to. Raine was going to Frankston, but she rode the train with us all the way to Flinders. Uhh... we arrived at Flinders. I didn't know who I was supposed to be meeting. More people came to Supanova then I expected. I saw Drue. He was drunk. LOL. Let's see, who was there... me, Sam, James, Drue, Jeremy, Tree Tom, Kenny, Khanat and a new member, Emma! From Brunei!! LOL, it was quite funny. She asked me where I was from I'm like.. "Brunei" she's like "Are you serious?? Me too!" Me: O.o ... lol. XD
Uhh... on the tram to Melbourne Showgrounds. Something like this occurred...
Drue: Jimmy, gimme your seat.
James: Why should I give you my seat?
Drue: Because I'm a full paying ticket holder and you're concession!
[Note: Cause Drue had no concession card on him he had to pay full fare for PT]
Everyone: Huh?
Drue: No! Seriously! It's the law, concession card holder MUST give up their seats to full payers.
Everyone: ....................
*watches as Drue points at every person one by one - he actually thought I was a concession card holder*
Celine: I'm International!! How the heck can I be a concession card holder?
Drue: Okay, then it's fine for you to sit down.
lol. Funny stuff. At actual Supanova. Uhh.. hours of wandering around buying stuff. Or me watching the guys. Cause I don't buy stuff and I can't really spend the money to. All I know is that James spent a load. So did Jeremy. Tree Tom spent like... $130 on manga. Sam.. omg.. I think Sam had like $5 but then he went to an ATM, got loads of cash and spent it all trying to get Hecate from Shana gashapons. T.T It was so sad watching him look disappointed cause he didn't get what he wanted in the end (after spending over $50 on small pieces of plastic...).
Lunch we trammed to the fish and chips place from last year! Hooray for $4.80 fish and chips. LOL. At Melbourne Showgrounds... a bowl of chips was like $5. Such a huge difference, lol. Uhh... by 2:30 we were all bored. There was like... karaoke but me, K-man and Tree Tom walked in on some... Ouran dubbing sessoin and lost an IQ per second of being in that room. *shudders* We all left and went to Minotaur instead. After Minotaur I went home. First time for a LONG LONG LONG time I was on a train by myself. O.o
Got off at Clayton. Bought a couple of groceries. Went home... and napped. And was online. And stuffs. Dinner was peaceful. After dinner I.... started laughing a lot. Uncontrollably. I was shaking and just kept laughing with my hot chocolate. I think my housemates thought I was on a sugar high. Maybe I was? I dunno. One thing I could tell though. When I was 'laughing'. I could't tell if I was laughing or just crying without tears. It was weird. I never did cry in the end though. I guess this is a good thing?
Monday, 30th March
Ugh. Today. Umm... what happened. I woke up, just sat about. Went to uni for dance practice. Went to lunch tables. Was trying to kick James ass in Stepmania and failing miserably. Went home early and continued being emo at home by myself.
Haha, yeah I hate myself for being weak. It's so pathetic. I have enough people telling me how pathetic I am already. Hmm. People are waiting for me to come back to reality. Not be the Celine with a.) A ROOM SHE NEVER UNPACKED... after SIX FUCKING WEEKS. b.) A Celine who NEVER DOES ANY SCHOOL WORK. And is gonna fail her course soon. c.) A Celine WHO IS JUST PRETENDING TO BE HAPPY? Or am I? I dunno, I seriously don't know. d.) A Celine who is LOSING THE WILL TO LIVE. Not really. I am not gonna suicide. But I am JUST SOO SOOO SOOOOO TIRED. I want this all to stop right now. If feelings were something I could hold, I would grab onto it, break it, throw it, step on it, burn it, blow it up with dynamite, and nuke the whole area with my feelings there. Seriously, I just don't want to feel sad anymore. Or anything. I hate this. I fucking hate this so much. I wanna be happy more then anyone.
And I am running away from reality. I know that. Someone told me to grow up. I am acting like a kid. I know that. I'm not facing reality right now. I know that. I am being an idiot. I FUCKING KNOW THAT. I'm stuck in a hole that I can't get out. Is someone gonna jump in to get me out I wonder? Or should I be as others have said. "Am waiting for the couragous Celine we knew who can climb out herself..." Is Celine brave? Am I gonna get myself out? I'm scared really. What am I supposed to do right now? I really don't know...
And the message of the past few weeks...
There is only one thing I can say now. I am gonna hide my feelings from now on. What will happen? The Celine everyone will meet is a happy Celine. I will stop the emo Facebook status and MSN personal messages. I'll be the happy person everyone wants me to be. If I lie to myself enough it'll be the truth one day. One day... ya? I'll only be honest on my blog here. To the people who bother to want to know what my actual feelings are. I need to get it out in this one place, just so that I don't lose my mind any further.
Happiness is just a feeling anyway. If you work towards making feelings for yourself, it'll be a reality one day. Even if nothing changes, I'm sure I can feel happy again.
"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be." - Marcel Pagnol
Tuesday, March 3rd
Finally! It's over!!! O-week advertising is over!! MCAC has prevailed with.... DUM DUM DAHHHH!!! 350 members! Last year we only got 180 at O-week (and we thought THAT was a lot). I mean I only estimated 200 for this year. LOL. Okay, so I was off by 150 people. BIG DEAL! Anyway, the committee is now under great pressure to make a great BBQ, scavenger hunt and first screenings. Me: OH FUCK. T.T
I can't really remember what else happened today. O.o I didn't do much advertising. Just hung about and did whatever. I joined the Japanese club!! Haha, Alex convinced me. Now I'm part of so many clubs! Umm... I saw Izzati today ~ she joined ASEAN too... and not much else.
Wednesday, March 4th
I actually can't remember what happened here. Uhh... I woke up... went to Caulfield for 11 AM class. It was a lecture. Not much else. Then I went back... sat at lunch table. Like forever I think. MCAC meeting... on this day. *shrugs* Got home pretty late.
Thursday, March 5th
Uni... Japanese club BBQ and Alex's birthday! Japanese Club is pretty friendly, Scott is on the committee and the prez is nice. Half their club is MCAC, lol. Then we went to Pinewood to firstly eat dinner at a Chinese place, then we went to watch Slumdog Millionaire. That was an awesome movie. Thought provoking. Who was at Alex's dinner and moving outing? Uhh... me, Alex, Amanda, Tom, Sam, Khanat, Chris, Stanny... the usuals. The ATM machine ate my bank card!!! My card expired. And I had no monies. And Amanda had no monies. So Khanat paid for us, lol.
Friday, March 6th
The moral of the past few days? To live every day like your last. Because when good things are happening, enjoy the good things as much as you can. Because they may be gone the day after. The fact that I didn't appreciate things as much as I should have and am a very reflecting person....
Is slowly killing me on the inside.
I thought good times would last forever...
I have to pick myself up. For everyone's sake. It was the most pathetic sight to see today really. To see MCAC's president, freeze at the sight of her club. At the sight of everyone new and unfamiliar. To stare, to have my heart beat so fast, I thought I would die on the spot. It was so loud that I couldn't hear anything else in that huge room full of people. And to run away because I thought no one would follow me.
But. I am happy to see that at least one person came after me. For at least these few people, will I try my best. Because I don't want to be failure of a person to anyone anymore...
If only time had stopped last year when I could laugh as though I meant it...
Afternoon had scav hunt meeting. Invited in Phe-chan, Stan, Oliver and Khanat into the meeting. Got a bunch of ideas written up. I tried my best to hold up and do things even when I don't really want to you know...
Saturday, March 7th
Moo-chan's 21st bday celebration... I knew where we were going but no one else did, lol. It was rather interesting. So in the morning I left with Xin to Clayton station to meetup with Khanat. We were going buy Moo a bday present at Melbourne Central before heading to Southern Cross. We had lunch at that grilled burger place upstairs next to Hoyts, giant burgers FTW! Let's see, K-man bought tea from T2. I got a little cow plushie called Milkshake. Then we went to Southern Cross, saw many familiar faces and met some of Moo's friends. And thus began our interesting treck. First we took a train from Southern Cross down to Eppingdon station. Then we took a bus to some random place. Then we walked on a DIRT ROAD along the roadside to the middle of nowhere. By this time everyone is like.... whuuuuuuut.
But yeah, it was an ice skating rink! But... it wasn't real ice. And I can't skate. It was like synthetic ice, sort of like plastic. Skating on plastic, lol. Apparently it is easier then real ice skating for beginners but the experts can't do much on it since your skates don't slide as nicely. Since I can't skate Stanny, Phe-chan, Jasmine, Ashleigh, and etc. were helping me out a lot. To try and raise me confidence. Did games like hockey, football on skates, dodgeball and the last game of racing by holding onto each other *sobs*. I fell at the last game, before that I didn't really play much. There were around 30 people at the ice skating rink. I knew majority of people, and made some new friends on the day (sort of).
After this was dinnner! We were driven to a train station and trained back to Flinders. Uhh... there I found out that dinner was steamboat at a Chinese place along Lygon street and was a combined party with Denise's 18th bday (FYI for those who dunno, Denise is like... a 2nd year Med student and she just turned 18....). She had a lot of friends. O.o Majority were Med. Our groups were sort of split apart. The steamboat place was awesome. Umm... I sat with Phe-chan, Kriz, Alex, Ashleigh, Matthew, Khanat, Andrew and Annabelle (one of Moo's friends from MDS). There were a lot of people so we were split up. And apparently Moo didn't even eat (and paid for everything O.o his bday must have cost a fortune). Steam boat was rather nice. It's fun to have steam boat with Kriz! Ehehehe. Well since this issss my blog I guess I should be honest, eh? So yeah... I broke down halfway through the steam boat. Kriz and Stanny tried to cheer me up. Am very sorry to Moo. I shouldn't do that, eh? Such a terrible friend really - to cry during his bday celebration...
After the event I didn't want to go home. So me, Khanat, Alex, Kriz and Stanny went to the bar Drue worked at for drinks. But police were around so we coudln't get in without passports. 'cept for Stanny who had actual ID that would work. So yeah, instead we just paid Stanny - who went in to buy drinks and coke/lemonade. Annabelle was with us too, a new friend ~ she's nice (and pretty XD XD). We walked her home first and visited her apartment. Very spacious. XD Then we went to Alex's mum's apartment in St. Kilda. Pretty cool place. It was a nice night. We uhh... played cards. Cheat and Big Two. Then we played um... I forgot what it was called. Where we get Ace, 10, Jack, King and Queen and like... pick a card randomly and the person with Ace says e.g. Truth/Dare "Jack kiss King" or something like that. Then we reveal who is who. It was really funny and no, we didn't do anything too bad. Remind me to never drink sushi soy sauce again though. Yeck. A lot of yaoi action *coughs*. A bit of yuri action?? (note that me and Kriz were the only girls out of us 5). Cause I can't handle alcohol well I sort of got sleepy after 3 or 4 glasses (well that and I was tired anyway cause we woke up so early today). So yeah, me sleep on Kriz' bed. I didn't go home for the night. Shared bed with Kriz. Hahahaha.
Sunday, March 8th
I woke up next to a sleeping Kriz! Uhh... Raine phoned waking me up, lol. She didn't know I was in the city. Today is Naz's leaving party + karaoke session. Unfortunately, it was 10 AM and I was going to get picked up from my house at 11 AM. And I'm in St. Kilda. T.T Uhhh... nooo. So I got up and found Stanny, Khanat and Alex asleep in the living room (whuuut Stanny why aren't you wearing clothes?????). Khanat looked at me the second I stepped in. XD Well since me and Stan weren't gonna make the party, breakfast time! Alex's mum left us eggs, bread, bacon and stuff. So yum yum Alex and Khanat cooked. And we had a lovely breakfast. After some girl talk with Kriz, me, Khanat and Stanny went on the number 3 tram to Caulfield to get back to Clayton. We missed the pot luck party (apparently they had steamboat) NOOO! It was at Vu's place... I MISSED IT. Boo boo I'm the only one who has never been to Vu's house. I always miss everything at his place... I'm sorry Naz... but yeah. Umm.. Bernie picked me up from my house at 2:30 PM I think it was to drive the three of us to glenny (she went there to watch a movie with her friends). Cause yeah... redbox at glenny. I was running late and wore the wrong clothes. My skirt was too short. T.T
Karaoke was... meh. A bit lackluster. A bit of tension in there. For a number of reasons. Yay, karaoke had... Sha, me, Jia Chee, Ly, Bernie-chan, Bernie-kun, Chris, Yvonne, Nat, Ally, Damien, Khanat, Stanny, Vu, Naz, James, Rainy and it goes on and on. Redbox sucks, lol. Crapass songs. There were snacks and food though. I was driven home by Bernie again at night and yeah... the comforts of my dear housemates. There were a few problems at night which I won't say as it isn't my business but I... ran out of my house at night to help a dear friend. Someone else was gonna walk me home at night but along the way met up with Jono and Xin who were coming home from a dinner date. So yeah, all is fine.
All I can say is that... I'm emo. You're emo. My friends are suffering. I've seen too many cry. I hope in the end that everything will end up well for everyone. Life works in the funniest ways I guess. A battle we all gotta fight together. Doesn't help that I still feel lost though.
Monday, March 9th
No class today. I think I went to uni to sit at lunch table and make membership cards. We made all 350 in the afternoon. Drue, me, Rainy, Jess, Amanda and Phe-chan. Rainy/Me cut the printed cards. Drue/Jess folded them. Me/Rainy put them into satchets. And Amanda/Phe-chan pushed them through to the lamination machine. Then we had a committee meeting. It was late by the time we got back. Cause we were brainstorming Scav hunt. Decided to skip out on buying food with the guys for BBQ. Even though it is normally lots of fun. Cause Joanne / Sha made green curry / chapati. Yum.
Tuesday, March 10th
Uhh... I dun think anything in particular happened today. T.T Oh yeah! Now I remember. I was really emo on this day (I'm too lazy to describe my feelings so I'll just say emo). I don't know why, I got really angry. Or maybe more like I felt really left out? Like... I feel like I've lost my place in MCAC ya know. C'mon, I walk up to the lunch table and is ignored. And I can't get a seat. Nor does anyone care whether I am there or not. These are not friends are they? Actually, no. I had a seat but no one would speak to me anyway. The 'friends' that I love so much, and would try so hard to help. Don't tell me that it was so fragile that new people is all it took to have you walk away from me. Am I supposed to be second best again? Is it always gonna be like this? I'm the one people want when no one else better is around?
Nothing is the same anymore. Felt like I'm just slowly losing everything one by one. I'm stuck with unrequited love, my friends are fading away either with their boyfriends/new friends... yeah, time is moving on and I am not moving with it. So yeah, I got up and walked away and was gonna just camp in the library or something (I have 4:00 PM class on Tuesday so I can't get home). But, a ray of light is at the end of the tunnel for the day. Ran into V and Tsan. And I was distressed. V bought me a shake from Coffee HQ and wedges from the Kitchen. And Tsan some choco. So we sat around, chatting and eating. I feel bad I have neglected them. V and Tsan were always great people... saw Han Lin today too at lunch table initially with V and Tsan. LOL, my hair is different!! comment again. XD I love that. I remember Bernie-kun and Ly were like O.O with my hair at karaoke too. Ly said I looked nice though ~
Wednesday, March 11th
MCAC Welcoming BBQ! I went to Caulfield at 9 AM for class. Skipped the lecture at 11 AM to get back to Clayton by around 11:15 AM. When I got there some people were standing around but no committee. Well I knew only Drue would be around for setup. We were one hour behind schedule cause we barely had a BBQ going by 12 PM (which is when the BBQ starts). Didn't have a lighter and Drue was really burdened. We were swamped at the BBQ. I barely spoke to people, and didn't make new friends nor did I socialise. =.= Was stuck at rego. We had 180 attendeees... and I have never saw an MCAC BBQ with like... a HUGE line of people waiting for food. Like the Jap club BBQs, lol. Met a few peeps though. And we tried to get sign ups for the scav hunt.
Rainy and me were at Rego, with help from numerous people (including Henry, Inaz and etc.) Didn't watch what happened at BBQ, but I know Mel, Zac, Xin, Oliver, Drue and a lot of others were there the whole time. Yeah, it wasn't the best event for the organisers cause... we didn't do anything but cook or be at rego. But whatever, glad to see people smile. I tried to make a little welcome speech but it didn't go well cause I suck. LOL. Ah well. I hope people will stay behind with the club. We seem to have more new frequent recruits this time around? Maybe.
And then it was time to pack up. This was when a bit of trouble occured. As Drue had lab until 5 PM. And we had stuff to put into his car. So we waited. Until... well... I had to wait, right? Couldn't just leave the stuff there. While I was talking to Moo about the scav hunt (and my nerves were rather on the edge from the BBQ - yes I am a bad person - probably why I can't make new friends, I'm probably a bitch from hell). I recall yelling at Moo, Xin and Jia Chee today for no reason. Everyone left us behind to Grain Express. Did people expect me to wait one hour for Drue BY MYSELF?
Was really hurt. Was reallly really hurt. The group of people who left, had some of the people I thought were my closest friends in Aus. I won't name anyone but... I was really hurt. Moo said he would stay with me cause I got upset. I went to Monash bookstore at 4:30 PM for a bit cause I needed to buy a book before it closed at 5. Xin phoned during this time and I starting crying (panic attack time) in the bookstore. I don't want to be left behind like this... don't just use me and throw me away at your conveniance. I also cried cause I recall being nasty to Xin before she left but she still phoned me anyway worried for me...
When I got back to Moo to wait I saw Zac, Mel, James, Kai Lun, Khanat and I think Lawrence there. They were a bit confused but I think Xin forced them to go there or something by phoning people up. To wait with me. I tried to say as little words as possible. After a while it was just me, Moo, Khanat and Zac left. Drue and Jess eventually came and went back to lunch table. I wasn't really in the mood so I went to student theatre after this to check out rehearsal. Met some people. Me is now lighting operator for SCUM. ^^ I have a busy two weeks ahead of me...
When I got home... everyone was eating dinner and laughing (or more like finished dinner). My housemates (including the people not from my group of girls). I'll be honest here. I thought they would wait for me (I came home a bit late but not that late... and they knew I would return). So I dunno... I ate dinner (thanks for the dinner guys) and yeah... went upstairs quietly. Not like people have to wait of course. But I would wait an entire night for people if I had to... But yeah, I went up and just cried for most of the night. I'm slowly losing everything am I? I feel so out of place now. Why am I getting left behind? Xin did come up to see me. Rest of the night was me drowing noise in my room with music cause I couldn't bear to hear the laughter downstairs anymore. I dunno... I dub this.. the day when I'm slowly losing my way now.
Thursday, March 12th
Not really the best day. Class at 9 AM... lunch tables. Am I being paranoid? My dear friend is angry at me. I'm not sure why. Or more like maybe I do know why. The paradox I was faced today with? I've known my friend longer but... she chose her boyfriend over me. Not that this is wrong, of course no friend would give up their beloved for me. I'm not worth it anyway. Although I was given up though even if at one time I was someone's beloved. Yeah, I'm not worth anything to anyone, am I?
While discussing scav hunt with Xin and Rainy, a lady came up to us to interview us. She was making a short film about international students. So I was talking my head off in front of a camera and mic. Haha. MCAC lunch table... some people were like... "You're an international student???" Yes I am people. =.=
After this. Japanese Club BBQ again. Uhh... hung with Khanat, Stanny, Vu (hmm how do I differentiate ex-prez Vu and MHS Vu - dun feel like adding such long names to their name). But yeah this was MHS Vu. Met a Jap guy. And stuff. Started crying halfway through the BBQ cause I felt like my dear dear friend has given up on me too. Yeah, everyone I love is gonna throw me away soon... I am starting to slowly feel this now. Probably why I am getting increasingly worse too. I think Xin warned me, I am gonna lose everything if I don't do something.
But how do I bother with people who are gonna pick someone else over me anyway?
Sorry Khanat for pissing you off on this day. I know you just want me to smile. Yeah, I'm no longer capable of smiling right now. And why does anyone want to see my plastic smile anyway? It isn't real...
Left BBQ early, and I didn't want to go to MURP AGM (but congrats Phe-chan for becoming MURP's librarian) - went to MUST for rehearsal. I sat through a full rehearsal of SCUM. Pretty good. I got home... and just went to sleep cause I was tired. I forgot what I did at night. Did I cry again at night? I dunno...
Friday, March 13th
Oh boy... Friday. Gah. Uhh... what did I do? Scav hunt meeting... cancelled plans for the night (was gonn watch movie with Tsan and V... *sniffles) but had so much to do for scav hunt. What a difficult event. Thus why I call it an organisational disaster!!! Team allocation is so difficult. And I had so many complaints and problems. My heart is slowly dying anyway - but just cause I had to - I froze my emotions for the one night.
I went to nap for like 10 minutes cause I was gonna have a panic attack. Then I was like... I don't have time to cry!!! Gahhhh. Yeah, I got up and contiuned with the paperwork. Thanks to everyone for the help. I know Xin, and Sam, and James, and Phe-chan spent FOREVER in the day/night to finish things off.
Saturday, March 14th
MCAC Scavenger Hunt. Oh gawd. LOL. I woke up, and was in a rush to print things out / pack. Xin made me breakky and me, Xin, JC and Joanne ran out of the house to bus loop. Met up with Phe-chan and Kylin and co. at bus stop. Got on bus... had like a million text messages along the way. Stan and Alfred got on the bus halfway through, lol. Got off at Huntingdale and trained our way down. Got to Flinders Street, and got churros! Yum! And waited at Fed Square. More and more people came. Hehehe. And then it started raining. HEAVILY. Me: OH GAWD. T.T
We ran into the visitor centre. Wet. And probably pissed the peeps off. I was shaking during this time, cause I was feeling like things weren't gonna go well. Breaking down under the pressure? I found out TWO team leaders were not coming today, and for some reason Drue had not come either. O.o And well I was breaking down in general anyway. But whatever, the freezing emotions continued and I tried my utmost best to stay positive. Allocating teams was messy, after a while people starting staying in their groups so that was a relief. So it was a matter of just sending people off everywhere. In the end, managed to get every team to have around 10 people! Awesome-ness! I was worried for my team at first but... turns out I was in the most awesome team ever. While I was busy deal with logistics, my name came up with the team name "Team 1 - Gay Giraffe Ninjas". And had some pose where the guys are gay giraffes and the girls are ninjas?? Group photos were taken, we did that go team thing with the circle of hands and off we went when Drue announced for everyone to go!
My team went towards our first clue. Treasury Park! Okay, cool. We took a couple of happy snaps and then trammed over to treasury park. Next to Flagstaff station. Sadly no train to Flagstaff on a Saturday. It was raining and we were soaked to the bone. We saw our game master, Sam there! With an umbrella, the poor guy. Team activity games! Uhh... to sit on each other's laps and... do that circle connecting hands thing. We skipped one activity cause it wasn't possible to do that... in the rain at least. Next clue! Myers! My team got it straight away (guess they are good at solving clues). So we ran back to Melbourne Central. When we got to Myers Amanda told us that another team was still doing their task (that would be Phe's team). So we went to EB and Minotaur for happy snaps. And got free nasty vitamin water. We were all so soaked in our vitamin water picture.
At Myers... we got kicked out cause Stan broke a $50 lipstick on Mel. LOL. The guy got really mad. Ouch. So for makeup we just used Kim's eye liner. Umm... for cross dressing guys... we went to Supre~
After that... Botanical Gardens. Gahhh, it was far! VERY FAR! Painful to walk. In the end I phoned jono cause we coudln't be bothered figuring out where he was. And learned HHY. Then it was lunch... umm... we went to Melbourne Central cause a.) I wanted ichipan and b.) Phe said he and his team would be there, lol. We went back... confusion at Fed Square! My team was leading at this time... over Chris/Alex's. I heard someone say.. "Oh... no wonder they're winning - their all insane." Haha, our team is pretty weird (but awesome). But yeah, confusion... uhh... in the end Drue sorted it out. And he sent us towards Moo. To find Wally! So off we went!! Rules were that we could split into two groups, but must be even and team leaders can't be alone. So yeah... my group went to look around Southern Cross and Stan's team went to look around DFO. In the end, we swapped places but Stan's team managed to find Moo reading on a random platform. My team missed that spot, lol. His activity? POKEMON. Acting like them. It was hilarious actually. I had to act like... Snorlax? lol.
Next activity, find Ashleigh in BORDERS! We did that activity I organised. Last book was hardest to find... cause it was a random title I picked out. The borders ppl figured out in the end we were having a scav, lol. After that... GAHH BOTANICAL GARDENS AGAIN. T.T For MSY! We took a detour to RMIT to get happy snaps. We did a human pyramid in a storm (pwnage!!), we took a pic in some random office in RMIT (and didn't get kicked out, lololol) and thennn we finally went towards Botanical Gardens again. Uhh... we learned MSY in like 5 minutes, lol. Before that, another team was there so we like... went to a nearby tree in BG and hung upside from the tree to get our hanging upside down happy snap. Major pwngage x2. We did attempt an upside down pic at a memorial but Jeremy screwed up cause he can't use cameras, lol.
When we went into the hut where Jono was... Drue and Jess was there. And then Rowan was like "God...". It was a side game in the scav, "find God" basically. We had clues like the fact that God floats, he has red on him and etc. And Drue has a really obvious red tie so... lol. More points for us! End of game and we all headed back to Fed Square. We waited around, got the results. My team was 3rd (BOOO~) Tom's team won. Uhh... then group photo (why does everoyne know the Celine 'pose??') then then then dinner at some Chinese place. Our group had around 30 people at this time. Expensive place but still cool. Ate with a bunch of peeps including Kim, Chris, Drue, Jess, Jeremy, Sam, Tom, Rowan and co.
After that... Amanda and Jono were eating dinner elsewhere. So me, Jia Chee, Joanne, Moo-chan and Jason waited at Max Brennor for her to come back to accompany her home. LOL. Funny thing really... then like... we got on the 'Cranbourne' train. And was in Prahran station.
Amanda: Huh... Prahran? There was a Prahran on this line?
Celine: I dunno....
Moo-chan: GET OFF THE TRAIN!!
*a bunch of ppl run off*
LOL, we were on another trainline. Someone obviously screwed up in Connex. Anyway, we had to wait an extra half hour for a train to South Yarra to get the right train. Tiring day. Blacked out at night.
One thing for certain though. I had A LOT OF FUN ON THIS DAY. A lot of fun. Being happy felt good. I spaced out once in a while, which Stanny knew about but... I was happy. This I can admit.
Sunday, March 15th
Entire day spend at student theatre. I had to get there by 9 AM. Exhaustion. What did I do for the whole day? It was tech day... meaning the day where they play with lights and set lighting ques. Lights are semi-automatic, we mess around to set lights then record them as a lighting que. It took hours beyond hours. Rather interesting actually, a lot of thought goes behind a single lighting effect. We had umm... Pizza for lunch at around 3 PM, and some yummy peanut chocolate chip cookies. I was hoping to get home for steak with the housemates but... we went overtime due to my cough-ups and inexperience that instead of leaving by 7 PM I left at like... 10 PM. LOL. So no dinner for me.
When I came back everyone was playing cards. Umm... I was sort of upset for various reasons. Well, I don't need to explain really. I don't see why I have to explain to people "what is wrong with me". I was NEVER right to begin with. I just smile and laugh most of the days because that's what is expected of me. I can't bring everyone down. But I've felt dead for too long already. But yeah, I came home... ran upstairs straight away and started crying and all that. The only thing I remember mumbling to Yi Xin during that time (as the sole person who would come to help me after all this time) was "Why is everything like this...?". I recall repeating it at least a dozen times.
Oh yeah, I remember saying to her too. "I feel like I'm going crazy." That's cause I was like mumbling the same line continuously. She made me soup and gave me some chocolate buns in the end for some dinner since I had nothing. Soup was really good.
Monday, March 16th
Forgot what happened here. Uhh... I spent the whole day at home. Just chilling around. Ate lunch with Jia Chee / Sha (sort of). Then went to uni for dress rehearsal for SCUM. Then got home. Yeah, that's about it.
Tuesday, March 17th
Hmm. I woke up. Went to uni eventually in the afternoon for class. Hung about lunch tables for two hours. Today was a bit more pleasant I guess. Had class until 5:30 then 6:00 PM call at MUST for SCUM's last rehearsal. Yay, some MCAC peeps waited until 6:00 PM for me to go so that I didn't have to sit around alone.
Dress rehearsal... lol. Uhh... I dunno, I messed up some of the lighting for some reason (although it didn't happen yesterday). It was rather confusing to have the director, lighting director and stage manager all ask you to do this and this. In the end the final command was listen to the director (which I will always keep in mind). Gotta make sure I don't screw up for the real thing. I got home a bit stressed, but yeah... had to sleep early since tomorrow is my 9 AM Caulfield class... oh joy. T.T
Wednesday, March 18th
Ugh, early class. We watched some French film about making films. It was sort of dull, one chick in the lecture hall like fell asleep so obviously and was snoring so loudly we could hear her during the quiet parts of the movie, lol. Lecture was boring as usual. Then I hobbled off back to Clayton for first screenings! That went pretty well!! Around 60 or so people. Not enough chairs. And people generally looked like they were having fun. All's well that end's well, eh?
3:40 PM was my appointment with the physio. He told me to... put my leg into ice every night. Eat pills. Tape my leg into Saturday. Do some funny excercise. He like... ultra sound my leg or something (OW T.T). Anyway, will be seeing him for the 3 weeks or so to hopefully help me out. According to his explanation, my leg is like knitwear. When I first sprained it, body will heal it and heal it good (or knit it well). But once you do it so many times it gets lazy and the strands holding you together (like knit wear) just gets farther apart. And the job is crappily done.
At night... went to Chaddy for VIP night. Was supposed to be with housemates but they left without me. So I bus-ed back to uni to look for Raine and the others. And basically spent VIP night wandering around with Raine, Seb and Kim. I bought... medicine for my leg. And a bath robe (it was like cheaper for 2 - so me and Raine bought one). Uhh... yeah. Our group consisted of Rainy, myself, Seb, Kim, Sam, Tom, K-man, James and Lawrence. Jia Chee, Joanne and Mei Xian were apparently elsewhere. Bernie was there too apparently. We bothered Zac at work, hahaha. Then at 9 PM we waited until Zac finished up (and just went home after that though).
Thursday, March 19th
Can't... remember what I did today. Uhh.. let's see, I have 9 AM class. Then lunch tables. Then I went home, then I came back to uni cause 6 PM the first show of SCUM! It went fairly well, maybe a few hitches here and there. All in all, good enough I would say. ^^
Friday, March 20th Hmm. Got up, went to Caulfield for class. Went back to Clayton. Just had a good time hanging around with MCAC peeps. Went home. Amanda, Khanat, Akmal and Stanny were coming to the SCUM show tonight! So yay to that!! So I tried my best at tonight's show, and it was the best one so far. I only counted two major mistakes. Hehe. After the show, walked back with them (they walked us girls home) and I think K-man and Stanny were gonna drink the leftover spirits that we bought and drank at Alex's house at Stan's place tonight. I was thinking whether to go but... nahhhh.
At home... my housemates were drinking 'goon' and playing cards. So we taught them how to play Big2 cause they dunno how, and I found out what 'goon' is thanks to Cas (my new housemate). It's really cheap wine (which I think kinda sux lol). They tried to teach me how to play 500 but I fell asleep in the process. I could hear them all chatting until 4 AM in the morning. T.T
Saturday, March 21st
A quiet day at home! I got up, was on ebay the whole time. I cleaned up my room slightly, at least I FINALLY unpacked my luggage. Everything, that is. My room is still messy though. YES, I never did unpack. I couldn't. I had fear of normalising my room but... it's too much of an inconveniance now. So, I gotta try my best to withstand things. Then I went to Clayton for lunch with Jia Chee and Amanda. Lunnnch. Yummy, lunch. I've fallen sick by this time but the lunch helped. And I spent loads at Clayton today after not shopping for over two weeks. Uhh... got home. Sat around and rested and off to the theatre. I was sort of sad that I got left behind when everyone went to Kokoblack. Boo boo. Missing out.... for the second time. It was really hot today... the weather was crap. Made a lot of mistakes at the theatre. Even the actors did. I think we were all just hot or tired.
Sunday, March 22nd
A real day at home! Sort of refreshing. I woke up... sat around. Ebay-ed for hours. Yeah, I'm an Ebay addict now. And then I had lunch at 1. And then I baked peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. Haha. Cause I wanted cookies. And then umm... sat around more. Cooked dinner... and had a dinner with everyone. And Jia Chee made red bean soup for dessert (the sweet stuff). Yeah, an actual day at home. Relaxing.
At night... I was sort of raging? Yeah, raging... okay, so I haven't been that angry for such a long time. I dunno, it was sort of good I guess. To release anger. Cause it's been building up. Now I've sort of snapped in a sense. Like I laugh like an idiot for the most mundane matters. I supposed it's better then being emo. The anger wasn't the best thing though. I mean... my arm really hurted (I was punching the wall and well... too hard, lol, bones can't take it).
What was I angry for? I dunno now if I think about it. I guess I was angry that I could let anyone affect myself this much. For this many weeks. It's a bit unlike me. Cause I'm someone who was raised to be in control in a sense, you know. I am timid and passive in nature, but... not in this way either.
Whatever.
Monday, March 23rd
Uhh... woke up. Wrote club email. Read my book. Went to uni for dance practice. I was basically on a high, lol. A peaceful little day I suppose. And I got to eat dinner at home. The last time for a week. Before I head off to MUST. Oh good joy!
I was on a high. On this day. Pretty happy. And all that. Maybe a part of me knew I was trying a bit too hard. But whatever, at least I'm trying, eh? If I don't try the only thing I have left is despair. Heh.
Tuesday, March 24th
Uhh... went to uni. Lunch table. Class again. And yay, MUST again! I don't really remember what else to be honest.
Wednesday, March 25th
Hmm. 9 AM Caulfield class. PAINFUL. T.T Tired. *sobs* Screenings was... screenings, lol. Then just hung about until... MUST! Again. Yay for SCUM~
Thursday, March 26th
Uhh... class. Me going FUCK I have an assignment due tomorrow! Gahhh! Class. Class. Me not doing hte assignment at lunch but hanging around with MCAC. Was showing old photos and stuff. And old dantai videos. Isn't really the best idea for me to look at old photos. Especially ones from last year, but *shrugs* Memories are memories. Even if good memories don't ever come back. Guess I can't avoid it.
Yay, then MUST again! I ran home after this to work on my assignment.
Friday, March 27th
Hooray for no sleep! I finished my assignment. I was in Caulfield library at like... 9 AM. LOL! 9 AM!!! *hits head* I didn't even have class until 11. WTF. But yeah... after that... went back to Clayton. Meeting with committee at 2 PM. One thing I'll miss about my committee? The meetings! Why? Cause we gossip~ and yeah, it's just good fun. I guess being in a committee brings people together. Only good friends with James and Sam cause of the committee thing (no comments on Xin and Drue since we were friends before that hahahaha).
I wanted to go home after the meeting. Cause we normally do. Then I was like.. FUCK. MUST. Gahhh! But yeah, ate dinner. And I played Stepmania with the keyboard!! LOL. Did pretty good for my first and second ever try. Kicked Jimmy's ass!! But to be fair... I am a.) o2jam player (if i can play 7 keys I can play 4 arrows, lol) and b.) DDR player... so I can read the arrows fast enough although I still die cause I can't move my fingers fast enough. Sometimes if there is too many then yeah I get confused...).
Rachel let me copy her stuff to my comp. Then I went to MUST. And yeah... another show.
Saturday, March 28th
Ugh. I thought today would be a shit day. Xin and them were all heading to Springvale for good fooods. LOL. I had crappy instant noodle. T.T In the morning, I went to the post office to get my netbook! Cause it was there but I had no card thingy. I was lucky the guy gave me the box as I had no identification either (he was like "this is the only post office that would do this for you..."). Yay for that guy!!! Anyway contiuing with the crap day... yeah... there was light as Lesley decided to come for my 2 PM show! Yay~ we chatted a bit here and there at the beginning of the show and the interval. Have not seen her since O-week. After the show, Khanat came by from swimming. And so did Kriz / Alex. We went to maccas cause I needed dinner (I didn't realise the campus centre closes so early) and I had some food. At maccas... ran into Stanny and Ginnie. Uhh.. then me and Les walked back to uni.
I was sort of down for most of the day though. And like.. for the shows. So down I didn't know what I was doing. After the last show (FINALLY!!!!) it was... omg.. the time to take EVERYTHING DOWN. It would have taken like... 4 hours (remember that would be like.. 3 AM finish). Me: I wanna go to Supanova though. At 9:30 AM Flinders. T.T FUCK. I went home by 12 AM, lol. It was a scary walk... by myself at that time of the night. They gave me a cute lil' gift before I left and everyone was all like... Yay ~ Celine is awesome. XD Seee ya~
Hmm. I wonder if I should write this. Might as well. Okay, after the last show. And what I was thinking during the show. I'll only say this one. There is one thing I hate the most when it comes to being depressed, reading people's emo messages. And blogs. I hate it when they say that life isn't worth living. That their life sucks. That they wanna die. You'll notice that I never say it. I don't care, no matter how bad things get - my life is awesome. It's good. It's full of blessings and it's wonderful.
So I'll only say this once. And I admitted to Amanda, yeah, this is the first and only time. I made a promise to her.
I was losing the will to live this night. I'll see what happens the next coming week. I may seek some professional help. I want to love life. Not curse it. I know I said I hate waking up everyday. But I still wanted to wake up. I don't know why but now I... really don't want to anymore. It's tiring. I'm tired. I don't want to... try anymore. If I can't make time stop then my time can stop at least right? Am just really tired... I know everyone is like asking me why I'm being so weak? I know I'm weak. What else am I supposed to do? I dunno. I am stuck in a hole. I can't get out. Everyone has tried for weeks to try and get me out. But I can't reach their hands, they are too far away. They have tried so much they are all getting tired too. And some people are finally walking away from me - leaving me in this hole. The person who is closest to getting me out is the one who pushed me in to begin with. But because that person is the one who pushed me in, that person is the least likely to want to help me out.
So I'm stuck. And I'm tired of being stuck. I can just starve and die in this hole, can't I?
Sunday, March 29th
I set my alarm for 6 AM. I was too like... get to bus loop at 8:30 AM to meet up with Jillian for Supanova. *Celine wakes up and picks up alarm* "Hmm.... 7:40 AM... still ea..r..ly... OMFGWTFBBQ@@%#%$##!!!!" Gahhhhhh!!! *runs around like a headless chicken* I took a shower, brush teeth, get dressed, packed bags and etc. in like 20 minutes, hahaha. Then I ran to the bus loop. And Jillian didn't come *sobs*.
So I went on the bus on my own. 2 minutes later James and Raine get onto the bus from the stop near Rainy's house! Oh joy! People to talk to. Raine was going to Frankston, but she rode the train with us all the way to Flinders. Uhh... we arrived at Flinders. I didn't know who I was supposed to be meeting. More people came to Supanova then I expected. I saw Drue. He was drunk. LOL. Let's see, who was there... me, Sam, James, Drue, Jeremy, Tree Tom, Kenny, Khanat and a new member, Emma! From Brunei!! LOL, it was quite funny. She asked me where I was from I'm like.. "Brunei" she's like "Are you serious?? Me too!" Me: O.o ... lol. XD
Uhh... on the tram to Melbourne Showgrounds. Something like this occurred...
Drue: Jimmy, gimme your seat.
James: Why should I give you my seat?
Drue: Because I'm a full paying ticket holder and you're concession!
[Note: Cause Drue had no concession card on him he had to pay full fare for PT]
Everyone: Huh?
Drue: No! Seriously! It's the law, concession card holder MUST give up their seats to full payers.
Everyone: ....................
*watches as Drue points at every person one by one - he actually thought I was a concession card holder*
Celine: I'm International!! How the heck can I be a concession card holder?
Drue: Okay, then it's fine for you to sit down.
lol. Funny stuff. At actual Supanova. Uhh.. hours of wandering around buying stuff. Or me watching the guys. Cause I don't buy stuff and I can't really spend the money to. All I know is that James spent a load. So did Jeremy. Tree Tom spent like... $130 on manga. Sam.. omg.. I think Sam had like $5 but then he went to an ATM, got loads of cash and spent it all trying to get Hecate from Shana gashapons. T.T It was so sad watching him look disappointed cause he didn't get what he wanted in the end (after spending over $50 on small pieces of plastic...).
Lunch we trammed to the fish and chips place from last year! Hooray for $4.80 fish and chips. LOL. At Melbourne Showgrounds... a bowl of chips was like $5. Such a huge difference, lol. Uhh... by 2:30 we were all bored. There was like... karaoke but me, K-man and Tree Tom walked in on some... Ouran dubbing sessoin and lost an IQ per second of being in that room. *shudders* We all left and went to Minotaur instead. After Minotaur I went home. First time for a LONG LONG LONG time I was on a train by myself. O.o
Got off at Clayton. Bought a couple of groceries. Went home... and napped. And was online. And stuffs. Dinner was peaceful. After dinner I.... started laughing a lot. Uncontrollably. I was shaking and just kept laughing with my hot chocolate. I think my housemates thought I was on a sugar high. Maybe I was? I dunno. One thing I could tell though. When I was 'laughing'. I could't tell if I was laughing or just crying without tears. It was weird. I never did cry in the end though. I guess this is a good thing?
Monday, 30th March
Ugh. Today. Umm... what happened. I woke up, just sat about. Went to uni for dance practice. Went to lunch tables. Was trying to kick James ass in Stepmania and failing miserably. Went home early and continued being emo at home by myself.
Haha, yeah I hate myself for being weak. It's so pathetic. I have enough people telling me how pathetic I am already. Hmm. People are waiting for me to come back to reality. Not be the Celine with a.) A ROOM SHE NEVER UNPACKED... after SIX FUCKING WEEKS. b.) A Celine who NEVER DOES ANY SCHOOL WORK. And is gonna fail her course soon. c.) A Celine WHO IS JUST PRETENDING TO BE HAPPY? Or am I? I dunno, I seriously don't know. d.) A Celine who is LOSING THE WILL TO LIVE. Not really. I am not gonna suicide. But I am JUST SOO SOOO SOOOOO TIRED. I want this all to stop right now. If feelings were something I could hold, I would grab onto it, break it, throw it, step on it, burn it, blow it up with dynamite, and nuke the whole area with my feelings there. Seriously, I just don't want to feel sad anymore. Or anything. I hate this. I fucking hate this so much. I wanna be happy more then anyone.
And I am running away from reality. I know that. Someone told me to grow up. I am acting like a kid. I know that. I'm not facing reality right now. I know that. I am being an idiot. I FUCKING KNOW THAT. I'm stuck in a hole that I can't get out. Is someone gonna jump in to get me out I wonder? Or should I be as others have said. "Am waiting for the couragous Celine we knew who can climb out herself..." Is Celine brave? Am I gonna get myself out? I'm scared really. What am I supposed to do right now? I really don't know...
And the message of the past few weeks...
There is only one thing I can say now. I am gonna hide my feelings from now on. What will happen? The Celine everyone will meet is a happy Celine. I will stop the emo Facebook status and MSN personal messages. I'll be the happy person everyone wants me to be. If I lie to myself enough it'll be the truth one day. One day... ya? I'll only be honest on my blog here. To the people who bother to want to know what my actual feelings are. I need to get it out in this one place, just so that I don't lose my mind any further.
Happiness is just a feeling anyway. If you work towards making feelings for yourself, it'll be a reality one day. Even if nothing changes, I'm sure I can feel happy again.
"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be." - Marcel Pagnol
Monday 2 March 2009
An attempt to be normal...
First day of uni. Not that I had any uni. LOL. Uhh... what did I do... let's see. I woke up, then I decided to head to uni at 10 AM past to just join peeps at the lunch table. Since I figured I'm the club prez and all... I guess I should socialise when I can. Let's see... I met a whole load of people that I can hardly remember. Leon, Kai Lun, Jeremy, Tom7, Lawrence, etc. etc. Okay, mostly talked to Leon, Kai Lun (from now on will be abbreviated as KL) and Jeremy. So I can say that I know them now at least. Everyone else I do think that a bit more 'mingling' is required to form some sort of random friendship, lol.
Yeah, the day was basically me sitting there talking with them, and Phe-chan, Seb, Sam, Tom, and the usuals. Phe forced me to eat, so I ate dodgy pasta from the meeting point! Yay! Jeremy and me also bought cookies from Coffee HQ (but it was too expensive... I think I'll just stick with like... The Den's muffins, lol). It was a generally quiet and peaceful day, I noticed I still spaced out a lot. I'm wondering how long it's gonna take me until I snap, lol. As of right now. I mean... I know I'm emo and stuff. But I think it's been going a bit too long now. Hmm. According to Khanat, if life doesn't feel right. Means something is wrong. If something is wrong. You gotta fix it. Oh fucking hell I dun care anymore. I'm gonna fix it if it's the last thing I do. T.T You'll see.... gahhh!!!!! Celine isn't used to being emo, and sad, and weak, and timid. I used to question whether the hyper and happy Celine was real or fake. It is mostly real. And goddamit I'm gonna prove it. Gahhhh, if I stay how I am right now forever I'm gonna go crazzzzy. Seriously. I don't care anymore. I have nothing to lose now anyway. Lost everything already anything. So.... T.T
Evening was spacing out. At night I went over to Deakin Hall. Khanat invited me to their movie night. Except we didn't watch any movie. Yep, Singstar with Khanat, myself, Tali, Oliver, Owen, Damien, Ashleigh (male one) and Catie (Oliver's sister). Dinner was chicken + garlic bread. It was a lot of fun, Khanat and Oliver are weiiiiiird and everyone was laughing a lot. I spaced out a lot - not cause it wasn't fun or anyone was bad to me - just that things are still on my mind right now and it seriously sealed the deal for me.
I CANNOT live with how I am right now. Good things are happening and I am not happy from the good things. It's just retarded. I can keep trying, and keep trying. I am trying so hard. Then I give up halfway with trying to laugh. Trying to make funny comments. Trying to smile. I don't care anymore. I'm gonna do something about this even if it ends up with me getting beat up. I might do more damage, but seriously, I barely have anything left to lose anyway. I'm gonna make things right again even if I do have to crazy retarded things you get in those drama shows. >.<
So basically, I am gonna spend the next few days deciding how I want to finally stand up and go somewhere. Cause right now is not where I want to be.
Got home past 10 PM. Khanat walked me back. Uhh... spent night at comp. Oh wow, lot's of fun. Not really. Hahaha. Yeah, I'm in this really sarcastic mood right now. *shrugs* It beats being emo at least. XD
Reply to comments...
@Mag: Ahahahah!! Well we already had our 'talk'. Yeah, the drinking straight vodka was a retarded thing for me to do. Seriously stupid. I am not doing that again, lol. And you're not an alcoholic, lololol. Don't worry~
Yeah, the day was basically me sitting there talking with them, and Phe-chan, Seb, Sam, Tom, and the usuals. Phe forced me to eat, so I ate dodgy pasta from the meeting point! Yay! Jeremy and me also bought cookies from Coffee HQ (but it was too expensive... I think I'll just stick with like... The Den's muffins, lol). It was a generally quiet and peaceful day, I noticed I still spaced out a lot. I'm wondering how long it's gonna take me until I snap, lol. As of right now. I mean... I know I'm emo and stuff. But I think it's been going a bit too long now. Hmm. According to Khanat, if life doesn't feel right. Means something is wrong. If something is wrong. You gotta fix it. Oh fucking hell I dun care anymore. I'm gonna fix it if it's the last thing I do. T.T You'll see.... gahhh!!!!! Celine isn't used to being emo, and sad, and weak, and timid. I used to question whether the hyper and happy Celine was real or fake. It is mostly real. And goddamit I'm gonna prove it. Gahhhh, if I stay how I am right now forever I'm gonna go crazzzzy. Seriously. I don't care anymore. I have nothing to lose now anyway. Lost everything already anything. So.... T.T
Evening was spacing out. At night I went over to Deakin Hall. Khanat invited me to their movie night. Except we didn't watch any movie. Yep, Singstar with Khanat, myself, Tali, Oliver, Owen, Damien, Ashleigh (male one) and Catie (Oliver's sister). Dinner was chicken + garlic bread. It was a lot of fun, Khanat and Oliver are weiiiiiird and everyone was laughing a lot. I spaced out a lot - not cause it wasn't fun or anyone was bad to me - just that things are still on my mind right now and it seriously sealed the deal for me.
I CANNOT live with how I am right now. Good things are happening and I am not happy from the good things. It's just retarded. I can keep trying, and keep trying. I am trying so hard. Then I give up halfway with trying to laugh. Trying to make funny comments. Trying to smile. I don't care anymore. I'm gonna do something about this even if it ends up with me getting beat up. I might do more damage, but seriously, I barely have anything left to lose anyway. I'm gonna make things right again even if I do have to crazy retarded things you get in those drama shows. >.<
So basically, I am gonna spend the next few days deciding how I want to finally stand up and go somewhere. Cause right now is not where I want to be.
Got home past 10 PM. Khanat walked me back. Uhh... spent night at comp. Oh wow, lot's of fun. Not really. Hahaha. Yeah, I'm in this really sarcastic mood right now. *shrugs* It beats being emo at least. XD
Reply to comments...
@Mag: Ahahahah!! Well we already had our 'talk'. Yeah, the drinking straight vodka was a retarded thing for me to do. Seriously stupid. I am not doing that again, lol. And you're not an alcoholic, lololol. Don't worry~
Sunday 1 March 2009
The return to Melbourne...
Okay. Post is split into my past week. Since I wrote the first day on the first night but I didn't post it, lol.
Monday, 23rd of Feb
... this is rather ridiculous. I just realised that I've been in Melbourne... for like, what? 14 hours? I've felt like I've been here for weeks. What happened, uhh... last night I got on the plane to Melbourne. Sat next to Damian and a Chinese speaking lady (who spoke no English it seemed). The airplane food sucked. I just wanted to sleep as much as I can but it was so uncomfortable and stuffy as usual, and in the first two hours Damian was doing everything he could to keep me awake. I think it must have looked pretty comic to the Chinese lady to have these two weirdos literally smacking each other around with pillows and blankets on an airplane. I think I slept for like maybe one hour on the plane, basically falling asleep and waking up 5 minutes later several hundred times.
Let's see, we arrived at 7 AM. Immigration wasn't too long but Damian was following Asian looking people in the line for Aussies/New Zealanders so I was like.. uhh okay.. I'll just do the same. Cause of that we cleared immigration in record time. Baggage collection took a bit longer, customs was nothing - we were out by 8:15 AM. James, Sam and Khanat came to pick me up!! They got in around 9 AM due to traiffc, it was funny.. they both basically walked right past me and I was like yelling... "Behind you guys! Sam!!" but voice was sort of weak and it didn't get very far. In the end Khanat phoned me and they found meh. Ride back was rather funny. I think Jimmy was really tired, took the wrong exit once... did things like change lanes without even looking at whether there were cars like... coming and etc. We got to my house, it was sort of weird. I was a bit panicky. Too many memories in that house. Mostly good ones but... things have changed now in 2009. And these changes made me more upset then anything.
I hobbled upstairs and I saw Sha sitting on the coffee table. And... 'lo and behold, it's Raine on the couch! Yeah... so much for being in Malaysia Raine... lol. I'm sorry if I figured it out already, although it would have been a nice surprise. So yeah, Sam, Khanat, me, Sha, Raine and James sat around then Tom came and joined us! I didn't unpack but I did open my bags, we sat around a bit, talked and chatted for hours. Khanat, Sam and James went to Pocky for O-week tomorrow and uhh... Amanda came back! And Jono came. And new housemates, Amanda's friends Joanne and Mei Xin! When it was lunch time, apparently they made bookings at a Korean bbq place in Clayton so... James drove us all to Clayton (in two trips). Yay, nice lunch. Uhh... everyone treated me O.o... I didnt't pay for the lunch... thanks guys. *__*
After lunch, a bit of grocery shopping with Sam, Khanat, Tom, Xin, me, Joanne and Mei Xin. I jsut bought cereal and milk. Then we took the bus home and continued to sit around. The few of us. Umm... I was sort of reluctant to go to my room (as the room has too many memories in it for me - it's too unsettling ... because the memories were good ones and it's slowly hitting on me that those memories may never happen again..) so I continued to sit outside a bit restless. Towards the evening Zac came over and we chatted a bit. Sha and Xin provided dinner but it was a bit of a disaster as we were behind schedule and like... MCAC committee meeting! The guys came over early. So we ate in a rush. Kriz, Alex and a new friend - Alfred popped over to say hi. And suddenly my house had too many people, lol. We shooed some people out - and yeah... after dinner had my committee meeting (the first of the year) with good ol' James, Sam, Drue and Xin Xin. With an exception of Drue, we were all stoned and extremely tired so like... we sort of cancelled the meeting halfway through and skipped half of the agenda items so we could go to sleep.
After the meeting I was like... gahhh... I took a shower, sat around the computer a bit, made up my bed and passed out. I didn't sleep in the afternoon after coming home (I refused - because my sleep is disturbing, my dreams haunt me and I can't settle in my room) but yeah... I was so tired I just passed out for 9 hours.
Tuesday, 24th of Feb
I got up at around 9 AM. Had to get to uni for O-week at 11 AM. Uhh.. tried on my goth loli dress. Haha. Rather interesting really. Me and Xin... walking to uni... in those... outfits. OMG! Gahhhh! The cars and stuff were like.... beeping at us, lol. =.= Damian came over around the same time I left to get his stuff from my room. Uhh... at uni, me and Xin first popped into C&S to first to get membership forms. But yeah, no one was around. Went to cellar room, James was there to give me our club permit. At our stall - everyone was pretty much there already It seems I came a bit too late, haha. But yeah, it's times like these that I smile at the greatness of MCAC. We had so many members coming to like... help us out. The gazebo was put up, posters and wall hangings were hung up, everything was put out nicely.
A few jinks here and there. I needed our club locker. It was thrown away or something? O.O I'm like... uhhh... okay. I am gonna search for our club stuff from those lockers they decided to throw out (Me: WTF)?
I spent most of the day standing around talking to a lot of people - getting them to join MCAC. We got around 130+ members on this day. Pretty good for the first day. Cheers to Ashleigh, Ranna and everyone else for their hard work. Ranna was wearing a maid uniform! I'm so sad I took no photos. Yi Xin for writing up so many receipts until her arm was in pain. Some people told me I was really out of it during this day. I'll admit I was. I sometimes stopped talking halfway through my 'sales pitch' to people, a bit confused what I was doing or why I was here. In honesty, I sort of realised I failed as the club's president. Letting my emotions get to my responsibility. I should be strong, and should be helping the club in this most important time.
But no, instead I'm a nervous wreck who seems to breakdown every 3 hours. Refusing to eat or drink despite the fact that Tom bought me lunch, Drue bought me potato chips, Amanda buying me drinks. Tom patting me on the head. Drue giving me hugs. Zac being all worried. Etc. Etc.
Let's see... what happened after the event. Got home in the evening. I was really shaky. I took a nap then had another breakdown unfortunately. Sha calmed me down - to some extent, although I was sort of like a scale going back and forth between being okay and being not okay. My mind is screaming to me that there are things I just can't accept. That I want to smash my head against a wall for some things I've said, mistakes I've made, mistakes that ruined everything.
I didn't expect my return to Melbourne to be like this. This wasn't what I planned. What I envisioned. Why was leaving Melbourne and returning just so different? Why did so much change in three months overseas? I expected to be happily laughing. I AM happily laughing. I'm overjoyed to see everyone again. I'm really happy! But... something is missing so badly that I feel really empty at times. Heart is burning. One thing is for certain. I've ruined my O-week and I am not prepared to return to uni. I can't even imagine right now writing my assignments with my heart like this. I feel so unsettled - refusing to sleep and stay in my room that I've no idea how I will finish my work. I may have to start camping in the library or something.
Sha made me soup and wedges. Since I still didn't really eat anything. And well... it's been so many days I've gone with minimal food that I don't wanna pass out actually. It was really good, hehe. After that, we giggled and talked about a bunch of things, and I even got to talk to one of my new housemates about a bunch of things (I just call her Trine as I am unable to pronounce her actual name properly - she's from Denmark). Uhh... Xin, yeah... I went to sleep pretty early. Since I was tired.
Wednesday, 25th of Feb
Day two of O-Week! I decided to just wear a black and red summer dress, lol. Bad timing, weather was cold today. Yet I still wore it. I decided to take a break from talking and just spent most of the day writing receipts. We got around 100 members today. MCAC had around 230+. Went over my target - ran out of bookmarks (I should of bought 300) and yeah. Our main heroes today was Phe, Ashleigh, Xin and K-man! For their l337 advertising skills.
I got to take a break today and walk around O-Week carnival. Lots of freebies. Raine took me around everywhere in attempts to help me. I wanted to join some new clubs and stuff, to meet new people and get involved with new things. To keep myself busy and to feel like I'm making something out of my time here. To fill the void in my heart right now (although it isn't working but... well you know, I know at least I am trying right now - at least I am trying...). It was rather funny. As a lot of things are free. Me and Raine now have our names under the Oaktree Foundation (for the free smiggle pencil case), MUST (the student theatre), Woman's Lounge, The Chocolate Club, ASEAN and MCAC of course. Oh, and additionally Raine is also with Wholefoods but I opted not to do that as I think they'll kill a meat eater like me, lol. Zac is with ASEAN also, so yay, we like... found ourselves reasons to attempt to go to their events? Maybe. LOL. Yay for joining due to peer pressure! Yeah... the stuff I did was mostly following Raine. I am not brave enough to wander out of certain comfort zones just yet. Decided not to return to Wu Shu due to a promise with someone and the state of my ankle. Apparently I am being FORCED to go swimming with James and Whitney? Khanat and Zac should be with us too so I guess I have my weekly swimming group or something.
After O-week, decided to check out Stan, Raine, Kriz/Alex's new place! We walked over... our group consisted of uhh... Stan, me, Raine, Jason, Xin, Khanat, James, and Jono. First time since I've been back that I've managed to spend time with Stan and have a good talk. They started playing with Alex's new version of Munchkin? But the game is too 'manly' for me so I gave up on it when Raine 'tried' to teach me how to play. I decided to do a womanly thing like... bake cookie with Rainy, lol. Packet kind. Then just sat around on Stan's bed with Xin and we talked. Met Kriz' housemate Alfred again and a few others I can't really remember.
Uhh... we decided to go home cause Sha was making me dinner and apparently Damian was coming over to get his stuff or something from Xin's room. Long walk. So tiring. Sha and her friend Valerie made pasta and vegetables (I keep living off Sha.. *sobs*). Jia Chee came back today!! Kyaaa~ let's see... after dinner I mostly spent my time sitting around talking to Jia Chee for most of the night. She listened to me I guess, and I think it was the first time... I received something I really wanted to hear. Maybe sometihng everyone has been saying to me but you know... Jia Chee tends to be blunt. I would call it... a lesson to be learnt.
"Celine. Be happy. Good things will happen to you because you are happy."
Words to settle my feelings perhaps? Thanks JC... I'm slowly starting to get towards a decision that I need. Right now, I am still clinging onto hope that may never lead to anything. Hope that should already be lost. But I refuse to allow anyone's words to affect my decisions, or my hope. I don't care. No matter how painful it will be to me in the present, or future, for now - I still wanna cling onto something. Onto hope that I have. Because my feelings were not so weak that I would let go of hope so easily. Within such a short time. Cause if I don't cling onto something - I can't see how I can look at another day coming. As right now, I hate falling asleep every night - and I hate waking up to face a new day even more. On a lighter note, I fall asleep easily because I pass out these days (yay for fatigue!). But yeah... I'll try my best to keep this in mind. If I stay happy, will my hope one day be realised? And then I can truly laugh with all my heart when I no longer feel this void...
Thursday, 26th of Feb
Day three of O-week! Okay, by this day. I am tired. You're tired. We're all tired. LOL. I got up an hour earlier as I had to go to Caulfield to meet up with Iyan to get magazines from one of our club sponsors, Animavericks. I caught the bus, waited for Iyan to run down from one of the Caulfield buildings and yeah, ended up catching the same bus again. Yes! Didn't miss it! Got to uni, James was in C&S. Told him about our Animavericks deal. Then went down to the stall. No one but Jason there. Boo boo. We had less helpers today. But no fears, at least Jason, Xin, Drue, Phe-chan and the others were still around to help. So we got things going! It was a hot day today, and I was wearing my goth loli dress. Gahhhh! BURNING. I wore a coat over the dress - even more burning. *dies*
I spent the day... writing receipts or just standing around. It was hot and I didn't feel like doing much. I ate random food people passed to me. At 12:30, Raine forced me out of the stall, then me, Xin, Raine, Stan, Jia Chee and Lavinia went to watch the O-week show presented by MUST. Harri Potter or something like that. It was hilarious!! A lot of inside joke regarding Monash so I dunno how first years will find it funny? I only found it funny cause yeah... I know that Monash and Melb U don't like each other. Or that Menzies is built by Melb U engineers, that it sways in the wind and has this incredible wind tunnel. And etc. I enjoyed it a lot.
Uhh... rest of the day went by without much. Ranna and Khanat did a lot of advertising in the burning sun today. And Moo-chan. We got around 60 members today! 295 total! Woah. I couldn't believe we are almost at 300. Just add on a few of our missing returning members and we're set! We ran out of Pocky and everything, lol. My committee always seems to underestimate everything.
Evening... went home and just sat in front of the air con in my house. Then changed and went to Clayton with Xin and Jia Chee. With ate dinner at Nandos, with Khanat too. Nandos was all smokey... I think the exhaust fan was broken. My food was crap. Khanat ate the vegetables in my burger. O.O lol... Then yeah... went to Coles to buy food to cook tomorrow's housewarming party. Met up with Stan, Lavinia, Katie and Lance at Coles. They were buying stuff for the party tomorrow too. Hehe. Well it is at their house of course! We said our goodbyes and hobbled home.
Evening was spent blogging more. Took a shower then... MIDNIGHT RUN TO MACCAS! Mwahahahaha!!! Hahahaha, Stan came over to walk me and Xin over as we made our way to Maccas at midnight. Yes, we are retarded. But who cares, it's tradition anyway. I miss the old days... sitting around Maccas 2 AM in the morning - half dead and asleep - in the middle of the exams, eating 50 cent ice cream, talking about crap, writing up lists of who is more marriage material or who you would have a one night stand... with Drue, Chris, Vu, Raine, Bernie and the old gang... I miss the old group. Must bug Bernie to have another drunken sleepover party at her place or something. :P
Bernie messaged me on MSN asking me whether I wanted a ride in her new car. LOL, so she drove me, and Xin and Stan back to the Maccas. When we got there, Khanat, Naz and Akmal were standing around outside. Nice pickup line, Naz. Sadly it doesn't work... "Celine... you're looking beautiful today" ... Me: ".... T.T". Let's see, our first Maccas group involved 17 people, most of whom I don't really know. Stan's new housemates. Okay I know them now of course, so yay ~ new friends. :D We played the mafia game in maccas. It was a lot of fun!!!! I haven't laughed that much for a... very very very very long time. Even if it was just a moment's respite, I was happy to see that I could laugh like that... without reserve. Even for just a moment.
Mafia is like where we uh... get these cards. To say whether we are normal villagers, a wolf, the seer or the sorcerer. Wolf kills people, villagers are useless, seers can try to see whether someone is a wolf or not and sorcerer protects people. Aim of game is for villagers to kill identify and kill the wolves and the wolves to try to kill everyone without bein identified. It's a game involving acting and attempting to decept your peers. LOL. I was a sorcerer once, but I got hanged cause they all thought I was the wolf (*sobs*). Besides that, I was a wolf the last game and we managed to win that one. Funny stuff that happen... well everyone always tried to kill Stan first until he had to gain immunity to just survive a round or two. Alex and Raine always seemed to try to trick everyone, always saying they are the seer regardless of whether they are the seer or not (if the person is really the seer they might know who the wolf is - but can get killed next round if they reveal themselves unles the sorcerer protects em'). Yay, it was general good fun. Game master was Lance and then Khanat eventually.
We had randoms wanting to join our game (we laughed a lot - must have been loud) but... they left before we could finish our current game. So meh. We decided to head home at around 2 AM past. I took a shower and passed out by 3 AM, lol.
Friday, 27th of Feb
I shot up at like... 10 AM. I was like... oh no. I'm supposed to make potato salad for the house warming at Stan's! Gah!!! Yi Xin woke up earlier and cut the potatoes for me. And Sha helped me boil everything. *phew* I showered, changed, fried bacon then me and Jia Chee went off to Stan/Raine's house at 12:40 PM-ish. Got there at 1... Alex opened the door. Uhh... we were there sort of early but not a lot of people were around. I just sat around for like an hour and a half talking to random people, learning to dance Caramell Dansen from Phe-chan and Alex, eating Phe-chan's choco muffins and what not.
The spread of food was excellent. Stan and Lavinia made awesome pasta bake. Lu Wan had really yummy coconut biscuit balls. Kriz and Alfred's awesome curry. Raine's awesome roast. I could go on and on. Afternoon was fairly quiet, we just sat around a bit and chatted about stuff. I really should of tried to socialise with the other housemates more then just my friends. Right now at least I'm more then comfortable to talk to Lavinia and Lu Wan though. XD James came over later on. Stoned. Uhh... at 5:30, me, Raine, Stan, James, Khanat and Lu Wan made our way out to the city. 5 of us were heading to K's 'Last Night of Freedom' event, while Lu Wan was heading home.
Haha, last night of freedom. Got to Melb Central, met up with the group. Who was there...? Uhh... me, Khanat, Raine, James, Stan, Sam, Tom, Ashleigh, Tiz, Sebastian, Yoshi, Amanda, Jono, Drue and Damien. We went to eat at some Italian place along Lygon Street... uhh... Le Spaghetti~ bla bla crap like that. Me and Stan weren't hungry cause the house warming well... we ate tons in 3 PM (and it was only a bit past 7) so like... we shared a plate of ravioli. I am impressed that people like Sam can eat a whole large pizza by themselves. I'm like... O.O. Yay, at the restaurant I mostly sat and talked with K-man, Stanny, Sam and Tom. XD
After dinner, we went to K-box to meet up with Xin and Jono (who had dinner together themselves). Uhh... Karaoke was good. Lots of screaming by Damien, Khanat and Stanny (every session needs Linkin Park's Numb, lol). Jono's awesome singing. Yoshi and his funny choice of Japanese songs. Me, Xin and Ashleigh trying to sing a few things (shut up guys aboutt my song choices! I hate you all!!!). Me and Xin actually tried to do tommyFebruary6's Pray at K-box!! I remembered the lyrics for half the song, we tried to use Yoshi's mobile for song lyrics (Xin can read the characters on screen but I can't) but yeah... didn't work too long. Me, Jono and Xin tried to sing Olivia's Wish also but... IT'S TOOOO HIGH!!!! HIGH BEYOND HIGH!!
We had $300 of drinking credit at K-box. Uhh... I drank 2 and a half glasses of Midori Lemonade. It's soooooooo good. I can get sooo addicted to that. Haha. Raine took 3 glasses (she was buying it for me). I couldn't finish my last glass so I gave it to Xin. My contacts were hurting like hell when we were at K-box though so I was suffering cause of that. Everyone thought I was either tired or crying. I wasn't!! lol. I was sort of sleepy after karaoke and we couldn't find a train to get home at Melb Central. So we walked to Flinders, but Sam, Tom and James took the taxi home anyway. Me, Stanny, Xin and K-man made our way back to Clayton (I fell asleep on the train). The 4 of us were FREEZING at Clayton. And no taxi. K-man could walk to his house. And Stanny planned to walk also. But it was cold, me and Xin wouldn't have made it (just cause a.) Xin was wearing a summer dress = freezing and b.) I had a jacket but I was so tired and my eyes hurt that I wouldn't be able to walk more then out of Clayton town...). So Khanat called a cab, it finally came after a short wait (we were all huddling up to keep warm during this time, and Khanat was like doing martial arts or something, lol). Yay, and we made it home by 2 AM I think. Stanny took the taxi with us and walked back to his place. I gave him my jacket (might be a tad small for him) just to hope that it'll warm him up a bit more).
At home... I was online for a short while before passing out on my bed. I felt a bit sad to be honest. Same feeling haunting me all day, all night and pretty much the past week. Things happening around me are things to be happy for. I'm laughing, I'm cracking jokes, I'm listening to a lot of others as a lot of other people have problems. I'm trying to be a good friend. I do honestly appreciate the number of people out there around me watching out for me. I'm trying to be me. I'm trying to be happy. But something is still dragging me down. And I know what it is.
To be honest, I never really thought I would miss someone as much as I do right now. What kind of mistake did I make to lose someone as important to me as this?
Saturday, 28th of Feb
I woke up at 11 AM... uhh... and was all. Meh. Slow day. Went down for lunch. Xin, Jia Chee and Sha was like... putting 3 different types of cheese on croissants Jono gave us. Like, cheese spread, Colby cheese and mozzerella cheese. LOL. It was goooood. After lunch I just sat around a bit in the house. Okay, I was sort of moping, being emo and what not. May as well be honest on my blog. I'm trying my best to hold up. Just that when things get quiet, and there is nothing else for me to think about. My mind will just wander a bit. It's something I have to put up w ith because... well... there's gonna be a lot of times when I'm left alone in this life of mine. I can't expect so much out of everyone. I sometimes think a lot even when I'm with everyone else anyway. Probably why I'm in a bit of chaos still.
I've missed people in my life. I've missed a lot of people. People, come and people go. I've lost people, I've gained people. It's part of life. It shouldn't be a big deal. It shouldn't be... then why am I feeling like this?
We went to Clayton town at around 4 PM. I decided to finally get off my ass and buy food to last me the week. And cook food for dinner tonight! It took me long enough. I didn't know when I would get the will to do this but I can't keep living off everyone forever. And uni starts next week too... so much to do for MCAC. I know everyone has it really tough but... I can't help being a bit weak. I don't know how long I can handle studies, MCAC responsibility and my current range of emotions like this. I'm not gonna say I'm gonna break. Cause well... I can keep crying and being emo as long as I want. Knowing myself, I'll still go and do everything I have to do anyway. Cause it's my responsiblity. And I need to study because it is my future. So I'm not gonna break. I can live. I can live fine right now. Just not with the honest sincerity I've always wanted.
If I wanted to live logically, sure, I could live right now. And I'll be fine. This is me living right now avoiding my emotion as much as I can. But I don't feel alive at all. As dumb as it sounds, this is why I understand the improtance of living with emotion. Emotions make you do the dumbest things. And say the most cruelest things. And it leads to those mistakes you never really wanted to happen. But at least, even with all those mistakes. I was being honest and sincere with myself. Right now, there is nothing honest with life at all. I can laugh all I want. Can I really say "Yes." if I ask myself "Am I truly satisfied and happy?".
But you can't change time. And you can't change others either. You can only change yourself. And if that isn't good enough, where does that leave you?
Dinner was... spicy tomato chorizos by Sha. Yummy Maryland chicken by Xin. And veggies by me. First dinner with our current set of housemates. Me, Xin, Jia Chee, Sha, Joanne and Mei Xian. XD After dinner… I was being my usual mopey self unfortunately. But no point getting into that now I think…
Monday, 23rd of Feb
... this is rather ridiculous. I just realised that I've been in Melbourne... for like, what? 14 hours? I've felt like I've been here for weeks. What happened, uhh... last night I got on the plane to Melbourne. Sat next to Damian and a Chinese speaking lady (who spoke no English it seemed). The airplane food sucked. I just wanted to sleep as much as I can but it was so uncomfortable and stuffy as usual, and in the first two hours Damian was doing everything he could to keep me awake. I think it must have looked pretty comic to the Chinese lady to have these two weirdos literally smacking each other around with pillows and blankets on an airplane. I think I slept for like maybe one hour on the plane, basically falling asleep and waking up 5 minutes later several hundred times.
Let's see, we arrived at 7 AM. Immigration wasn't too long but Damian was following Asian looking people in the line for Aussies/New Zealanders so I was like.. uhh okay.. I'll just do the same. Cause of that we cleared immigration in record time. Baggage collection took a bit longer, customs was nothing - we were out by 8:15 AM. James, Sam and Khanat came to pick me up!! They got in around 9 AM due to traiffc, it was funny.. they both basically walked right past me and I was like yelling... "Behind you guys! Sam!!" but voice was sort of weak and it didn't get very far. In the end Khanat phoned me and they found meh. Ride back was rather funny. I think Jimmy was really tired, took the wrong exit once... did things like change lanes without even looking at whether there were cars like... coming and etc. We got to my house, it was sort of weird. I was a bit panicky. Too many memories in that house. Mostly good ones but... things have changed now in 2009. And these changes made me more upset then anything.
I hobbled upstairs and I saw Sha sitting on the coffee table. And... 'lo and behold, it's Raine on the couch! Yeah... so much for being in Malaysia Raine... lol. I'm sorry if I figured it out already, although it would have been a nice surprise. So yeah, Sam, Khanat, me, Sha, Raine and James sat around then Tom came and joined us! I didn't unpack but I did open my bags, we sat around a bit, talked and chatted for hours. Khanat, Sam and James went to Pocky for O-week tomorrow and uhh... Amanda came back! And Jono came. And new housemates, Amanda's friends Joanne and Mei Xin! When it was lunch time, apparently they made bookings at a Korean bbq place in Clayton so... James drove us all to Clayton (in two trips). Yay, nice lunch. Uhh... everyone treated me O.o... I didnt't pay for the lunch... thanks guys. *__*
After lunch, a bit of grocery shopping with Sam, Khanat, Tom, Xin, me, Joanne and Mei Xin. I jsut bought cereal and milk. Then we took the bus home and continued to sit around. The few of us. Umm... I was sort of reluctant to go to my room (as the room has too many memories in it for me - it's too unsettling ... because the memories were good ones and it's slowly hitting on me that those memories may never happen again..) so I continued to sit outside a bit restless. Towards the evening Zac came over and we chatted a bit. Sha and Xin provided dinner but it was a bit of a disaster as we were behind schedule and like... MCAC committee meeting! The guys came over early. So we ate in a rush. Kriz, Alex and a new friend - Alfred popped over to say hi. And suddenly my house had too many people, lol. We shooed some people out - and yeah... after dinner had my committee meeting (the first of the year) with good ol' James, Sam, Drue and Xin Xin. With an exception of Drue, we were all stoned and extremely tired so like... we sort of cancelled the meeting halfway through and skipped half of the agenda items so we could go to sleep.
After the meeting I was like... gahhh... I took a shower, sat around the computer a bit, made up my bed and passed out. I didn't sleep in the afternoon after coming home (I refused - because my sleep is disturbing, my dreams haunt me and I can't settle in my room) but yeah... I was so tired I just passed out for 9 hours.
Tuesday, 24th of Feb
I got up at around 9 AM. Had to get to uni for O-week at 11 AM. Uhh.. tried on my goth loli dress. Haha. Rather interesting really. Me and Xin... walking to uni... in those... outfits. OMG! Gahhhh! The cars and stuff were like.... beeping at us, lol. =.= Damian came over around the same time I left to get his stuff from my room. Uhh... at uni, me and Xin first popped into C&S to first to get membership forms. But yeah, no one was around. Went to cellar room, James was there to give me our club permit. At our stall - everyone was pretty much there already It seems I came a bit too late, haha. But yeah, it's times like these that I smile at the greatness of MCAC. We had so many members coming to like... help us out. The gazebo was put up, posters and wall hangings were hung up, everything was put out nicely.
A few jinks here and there. I needed our club locker. It was thrown away or something? O.O I'm like... uhhh... okay. I am gonna search for our club stuff from those lockers they decided to throw out (Me: WTF)?
I spent most of the day standing around talking to a lot of people - getting them to join MCAC. We got around 130+ members on this day. Pretty good for the first day. Cheers to Ashleigh, Ranna and everyone else for their hard work. Ranna was wearing a maid uniform! I'm so sad I took no photos. Yi Xin for writing up so many receipts until her arm was in pain. Some people told me I was really out of it during this day. I'll admit I was. I sometimes stopped talking halfway through my 'sales pitch' to people, a bit confused what I was doing or why I was here. In honesty, I sort of realised I failed as the club's president. Letting my emotions get to my responsibility. I should be strong, and should be helping the club in this most important time.
But no, instead I'm a nervous wreck who seems to breakdown every 3 hours. Refusing to eat or drink despite the fact that Tom bought me lunch, Drue bought me potato chips, Amanda buying me drinks. Tom patting me on the head. Drue giving me hugs. Zac being all worried. Etc. Etc.
Let's see... what happened after the event. Got home in the evening. I was really shaky. I took a nap then had another breakdown unfortunately. Sha calmed me down - to some extent, although I was sort of like a scale going back and forth between being okay and being not okay. My mind is screaming to me that there are things I just can't accept. That I want to smash my head against a wall for some things I've said, mistakes I've made, mistakes that ruined everything.
I didn't expect my return to Melbourne to be like this. This wasn't what I planned. What I envisioned. Why was leaving Melbourne and returning just so different? Why did so much change in three months overseas? I expected to be happily laughing. I AM happily laughing. I'm overjoyed to see everyone again. I'm really happy! But... something is missing so badly that I feel really empty at times. Heart is burning. One thing is for certain. I've ruined my O-week and I am not prepared to return to uni. I can't even imagine right now writing my assignments with my heart like this. I feel so unsettled - refusing to sleep and stay in my room that I've no idea how I will finish my work. I may have to start camping in the library or something.
Sha made me soup and wedges. Since I still didn't really eat anything. And well... it's been so many days I've gone with minimal food that I don't wanna pass out actually. It was really good, hehe. After that, we giggled and talked about a bunch of things, and I even got to talk to one of my new housemates about a bunch of things (I just call her Trine as I am unable to pronounce her actual name properly - she's from Denmark). Uhh... Xin, yeah... I went to sleep pretty early. Since I was tired.
Wednesday, 25th of Feb
Day two of O-Week! I decided to just wear a black and red summer dress, lol. Bad timing, weather was cold today. Yet I still wore it. I decided to take a break from talking and just spent most of the day writing receipts. We got around 100 members today. MCAC had around 230+. Went over my target - ran out of bookmarks (I should of bought 300) and yeah. Our main heroes today was Phe, Ashleigh, Xin and K-man! For their l337 advertising skills.
I got to take a break today and walk around O-Week carnival. Lots of freebies. Raine took me around everywhere in attempts to help me. I wanted to join some new clubs and stuff, to meet new people and get involved with new things. To keep myself busy and to feel like I'm making something out of my time here. To fill the void in my heart right now (although it isn't working but... well you know, I know at least I am trying right now - at least I am trying...). It was rather funny. As a lot of things are free. Me and Raine now have our names under the Oaktree Foundation (for the free smiggle pencil case), MUST (the student theatre), Woman's Lounge, The Chocolate Club, ASEAN and MCAC of course. Oh, and additionally Raine is also with Wholefoods but I opted not to do that as I think they'll kill a meat eater like me, lol. Zac is with ASEAN also, so yay, we like... found ourselves reasons to attempt to go to their events? Maybe. LOL. Yay for joining due to peer pressure! Yeah... the stuff I did was mostly following Raine. I am not brave enough to wander out of certain comfort zones just yet. Decided not to return to Wu Shu due to a promise with someone and the state of my ankle. Apparently I am being FORCED to go swimming with James and Whitney? Khanat and Zac should be with us too so I guess I have my weekly swimming group or something.
After O-week, decided to check out Stan, Raine, Kriz/Alex's new place! We walked over... our group consisted of uhh... Stan, me, Raine, Jason, Xin, Khanat, James, and Jono. First time since I've been back that I've managed to spend time with Stan and have a good talk. They started playing with Alex's new version of Munchkin? But the game is too 'manly' for me so I gave up on it when Raine 'tried' to teach me how to play. I decided to do a womanly thing like... bake cookie with Rainy, lol. Packet kind. Then just sat around on Stan's bed with Xin and we talked. Met Kriz' housemate Alfred again and a few others I can't really remember.
Uhh... we decided to go home cause Sha was making me dinner and apparently Damian was coming over to get his stuff or something from Xin's room. Long walk. So tiring. Sha and her friend Valerie made pasta and vegetables (I keep living off Sha.. *sobs*). Jia Chee came back today!! Kyaaa~ let's see... after dinner I mostly spent my time sitting around talking to Jia Chee for most of the night. She listened to me I guess, and I think it was the first time... I received something I really wanted to hear. Maybe sometihng everyone has been saying to me but you know... Jia Chee tends to be blunt. I would call it... a lesson to be learnt.
"Celine. Be happy. Good things will happen to you because you are happy."
Words to settle my feelings perhaps? Thanks JC... I'm slowly starting to get towards a decision that I need. Right now, I am still clinging onto hope that may never lead to anything. Hope that should already be lost. But I refuse to allow anyone's words to affect my decisions, or my hope. I don't care. No matter how painful it will be to me in the present, or future, for now - I still wanna cling onto something. Onto hope that I have. Because my feelings were not so weak that I would let go of hope so easily. Within such a short time. Cause if I don't cling onto something - I can't see how I can look at another day coming. As right now, I hate falling asleep every night - and I hate waking up to face a new day even more. On a lighter note, I fall asleep easily because I pass out these days (yay for fatigue!). But yeah... I'll try my best to keep this in mind. If I stay happy, will my hope one day be realised? And then I can truly laugh with all my heart when I no longer feel this void...
Thursday, 26th of Feb
Day three of O-week! Okay, by this day. I am tired. You're tired. We're all tired. LOL. I got up an hour earlier as I had to go to Caulfield to meet up with Iyan to get magazines from one of our club sponsors, Animavericks. I caught the bus, waited for Iyan to run down from one of the Caulfield buildings and yeah, ended up catching the same bus again. Yes! Didn't miss it! Got to uni, James was in C&S. Told him about our Animavericks deal. Then went down to the stall. No one but Jason there. Boo boo. We had less helpers today. But no fears, at least Jason, Xin, Drue, Phe-chan and the others were still around to help. So we got things going! It was a hot day today, and I was wearing my goth loli dress. Gahhhh! BURNING. I wore a coat over the dress - even more burning. *dies*
I spent the day... writing receipts or just standing around. It was hot and I didn't feel like doing much. I ate random food people passed to me. At 12:30, Raine forced me out of the stall, then me, Xin, Raine, Stan, Jia Chee and Lavinia went to watch the O-week show presented by MUST. Harri Potter or something like that. It was hilarious!! A lot of inside joke regarding Monash so I dunno how first years will find it funny? I only found it funny cause yeah... I know that Monash and Melb U don't like each other. Or that Menzies is built by Melb U engineers, that it sways in the wind and has this incredible wind tunnel. And etc. I enjoyed it a lot.
Uhh... rest of the day went by without much. Ranna and Khanat did a lot of advertising in the burning sun today. And Moo-chan. We got around 60 members today! 295 total! Woah. I couldn't believe we are almost at 300. Just add on a few of our missing returning members and we're set! We ran out of Pocky and everything, lol. My committee always seems to underestimate everything.
Evening... went home and just sat in front of the air con in my house. Then changed and went to Clayton with Xin and Jia Chee. With ate dinner at Nandos, with Khanat too. Nandos was all smokey... I think the exhaust fan was broken. My food was crap. Khanat ate the vegetables in my burger. O.O lol... Then yeah... went to Coles to buy food to cook tomorrow's housewarming party. Met up with Stan, Lavinia, Katie and Lance at Coles. They were buying stuff for the party tomorrow too. Hehe. Well it is at their house of course! We said our goodbyes and hobbled home.
Evening was spent blogging more. Took a shower then... MIDNIGHT RUN TO MACCAS! Mwahahahaha!!! Hahahaha, Stan came over to walk me and Xin over as we made our way to Maccas at midnight. Yes, we are retarded. But who cares, it's tradition anyway. I miss the old days... sitting around Maccas 2 AM in the morning - half dead and asleep - in the middle of the exams, eating 50 cent ice cream, talking about crap, writing up lists of who is more marriage material or who you would have a one night stand... with Drue, Chris, Vu, Raine, Bernie and the old gang... I miss the old group. Must bug Bernie to have another drunken sleepover party at her place or something. :P
Bernie messaged me on MSN asking me whether I wanted a ride in her new car. LOL, so she drove me, and Xin and Stan back to the Maccas. When we got there, Khanat, Naz and Akmal were standing around outside. Nice pickup line, Naz. Sadly it doesn't work... "Celine... you're looking beautiful today" ... Me: ".... T.T". Let's see, our first Maccas group involved 17 people, most of whom I don't really know. Stan's new housemates. Okay I know them now of course, so yay ~ new friends. :D We played the mafia game in maccas. It was a lot of fun!!!! I haven't laughed that much for a... very very very very long time. Even if it was just a moment's respite, I was happy to see that I could laugh like that... without reserve. Even for just a moment.
Mafia is like where we uh... get these cards. To say whether we are normal villagers, a wolf, the seer or the sorcerer. Wolf kills people, villagers are useless, seers can try to see whether someone is a wolf or not and sorcerer protects people. Aim of game is for villagers to kill identify and kill the wolves and the wolves to try to kill everyone without bein identified. It's a game involving acting and attempting to decept your peers. LOL. I was a sorcerer once, but I got hanged cause they all thought I was the wolf (*sobs*). Besides that, I was a wolf the last game and we managed to win that one. Funny stuff that happen... well everyone always tried to kill Stan first until he had to gain immunity to just survive a round or two. Alex and Raine always seemed to try to trick everyone, always saying they are the seer regardless of whether they are the seer or not (if the person is really the seer they might know who the wolf is - but can get killed next round if they reveal themselves unles the sorcerer protects em'). Yay, it was general good fun. Game master was Lance and then Khanat eventually.
We had randoms wanting to join our game (we laughed a lot - must have been loud) but... they left before we could finish our current game. So meh. We decided to head home at around 2 AM past. I took a shower and passed out by 3 AM, lol.
Friday, 27th of Feb
I shot up at like... 10 AM. I was like... oh no. I'm supposed to make potato salad for the house warming at Stan's! Gah!!! Yi Xin woke up earlier and cut the potatoes for me. And Sha helped me boil everything. *phew* I showered, changed, fried bacon then me and Jia Chee went off to Stan/Raine's house at 12:40 PM-ish. Got there at 1... Alex opened the door. Uhh... we were there sort of early but not a lot of people were around. I just sat around for like an hour and a half talking to random people, learning to dance Caramell Dansen from Phe-chan and Alex, eating Phe-chan's choco muffins and what not.
The spread of food was excellent. Stan and Lavinia made awesome pasta bake. Lu Wan had really yummy coconut biscuit balls. Kriz and Alfred's awesome curry. Raine's awesome roast. I could go on and on. Afternoon was fairly quiet, we just sat around a bit and chatted about stuff. I really should of tried to socialise with the other housemates more then just my friends. Right now at least I'm more then comfortable to talk to Lavinia and Lu Wan though. XD James came over later on. Stoned. Uhh... at 5:30, me, Raine, Stan, James, Khanat and Lu Wan made our way out to the city. 5 of us were heading to K's 'Last Night of Freedom' event, while Lu Wan was heading home.
Haha, last night of freedom. Got to Melb Central, met up with the group. Who was there...? Uhh... me, Khanat, Raine, James, Stan, Sam, Tom, Ashleigh, Tiz, Sebastian, Yoshi, Amanda, Jono, Drue and Damien. We went to eat at some Italian place along Lygon Street... uhh... Le Spaghetti~ bla bla crap like that. Me and Stan weren't hungry cause the house warming well... we ate tons in 3 PM (and it was only a bit past 7) so like... we shared a plate of ravioli. I am impressed that people like Sam can eat a whole large pizza by themselves. I'm like... O.O. Yay, at the restaurant I mostly sat and talked with K-man, Stanny, Sam and Tom. XD
After dinner, we went to K-box to meet up with Xin and Jono (who had dinner together themselves). Uhh... Karaoke was good. Lots of screaming by Damien, Khanat and Stanny (every session needs Linkin Park's Numb, lol). Jono's awesome singing. Yoshi and his funny choice of Japanese songs. Me, Xin and Ashleigh trying to sing a few things (shut up guys aboutt my song choices! I hate you all!!!). Me and Xin actually tried to do tommyFebruary6's Pray at K-box!! I remembered the lyrics for half the song, we tried to use Yoshi's mobile for song lyrics (Xin can read the characters on screen but I can't) but yeah... didn't work too long. Me, Jono and Xin tried to sing Olivia's Wish also but... IT'S TOOOO HIGH!!!! HIGH BEYOND HIGH!!
We had $300 of drinking credit at K-box. Uhh... I drank 2 and a half glasses of Midori Lemonade. It's soooooooo good. I can get sooo addicted to that. Haha. Raine took 3 glasses (she was buying it for me). I couldn't finish my last glass so I gave it to Xin. My contacts were hurting like hell when we were at K-box though so I was suffering cause of that. Everyone thought I was either tired or crying. I wasn't!! lol. I was sort of sleepy after karaoke and we couldn't find a train to get home at Melb Central. So we walked to Flinders, but Sam, Tom and James took the taxi home anyway. Me, Stanny, Xin and K-man made our way back to Clayton (I fell asleep on the train). The 4 of us were FREEZING at Clayton. And no taxi. K-man could walk to his house. And Stanny planned to walk also. But it was cold, me and Xin wouldn't have made it (just cause a.) Xin was wearing a summer dress = freezing and b.) I had a jacket but I was so tired and my eyes hurt that I wouldn't be able to walk more then out of Clayton town...). So Khanat called a cab, it finally came after a short wait (we were all huddling up to keep warm during this time, and Khanat was like doing martial arts or something, lol). Yay, and we made it home by 2 AM I think. Stanny took the taxi with us and walked back to his place. I gave him my jacket (might be a tad small for him) just to hope that it'll warm him up a bit more).
At home... I was online for a short while before passing out on my bed. I felt a bit sad to be honest. Same feeling haunting me all day, all night and pretty much the past week. Things happening around me are things to be happy for. I'm laughing, I'm cracking jokes, I'm listening to a lot of others as a lot of other people have problems. I'm trying to be a good friend. I do honestly appreciate the number of people out there around me watching out for me. I'm trying to be me. I'm trying to be happy. But something is still dragging me down. And I know what it is.
To be honest, I never really thought I would miss someone as much as I do right now. What kind of mistake did I make to lose someone as important to me as this?
Saturday, 28th of Feb
I woke up at 11 AM... uhh... and was all. Meh. Slow day. Went down for lunch. Xin, Jia Chee and Sha was like... putting 3 different types of cheese on croissants Jono gave us. Like, cheese spread, Colby cheese and mozzerella cheese. LOL. It was goooood. After lunch I just sat around a bit in the house. Okay, I was sort of moping, being emo and what not. May as well be honest on my blog. I'm trying my best to hold up. Just that when things get quiet, and there is nothing else for me to think about. My mind will just wander a bit. It's something I have to put up w ith because... well... there's gonna be a lot of times when I'm left alone in this life of mine. I can't expect so much out of everyone. I sometimes think a lot even when I'm with everyone else anyway. Probably why I'm in a bit of chaos still.
I've missed people in my life. I've missed a lot of people. People, come and people go. I've lost people, I've gained people. It's part of life. It shouldn't be a big deal. It shouldn't be... then why am I feeling like this?
We went to Clayton town at around 4 PM. I decided to finally get off my ass and buy food to last me the week. And cook food for dinner tonight! It took me long enough. I didn't know when I would get the will to do this but I can't keep living off everyone forever. And uni starts next week too... so much to do for MCAC. I know everyone has it really tough but... I can't help being a bit weak. I don't know how long I can handle studies, MCAC responsibility and my current range of emotions like this. I'm not gonna say I'm gonna break. Cause well... I can keep crying and being emo as long as I want. Knowing myself, I'll still go and do everything I have to do anyway. Cause it's my responsiblity. And I need to study because it is my future. So I'm not gonna break. I can live. I can live fine right now. Just not with the honest sincerity I've always wanted.
If I wanted to live logically, sure, I could live right now. And I'll be fine. This is me living right now avoiding my emotion as much as I can. But I don't feel alive at all. As dumb as it sounds, this is why I understand the improtance of living with emotion. Emotions make you do the dumbest things. And say the most cruelest things. And it leads to those mistakes you never really wanted to happen. But at least, even with all those mistakes. I was being honest and sincere with myself. Right now, there is nothing honest with life at all. I can laugh all I want. Can I really say "Yes." if I ask myself "Am I truly satisfied and happy?".
But you can't change time. And you can't change others either. You can only change yourself. And if that isn't good enough, where does that leave you?
Dinner was... spicy tomato chorizos by Sha. Yummy Maryland chicken by Xin. And veggies by me. First dinner with our current set of housemates. Me, Xin, Jia Chee, Sha, Joanne and Mei Xian. XD After dinner… I was being my usual mopey self unfortunately. But no point getting into that now I think…
Around 11 PM… I found myself drinking straight vodka. Okay, I am NEVER doing that again. I laughed, I mostly cried, and I’ve never been so dizzy in my entire life, lol. I threw up so many times throughout the night, couldn't stand, or walk, or speak coherantly, and ended up needing everyone to take care of me. *hugs Xin, Jia Chee, Sha and Joanne* Thank you to whoever blessed me with such great friends. Yeah, it was a dumb thing to do. I don’t know really… it’s not like I’m really trying to do anything. To get anything done. I’m just doing everything I can to avoid the feeling I keep having this past week. That feeling of longing. That feeling that told me that things would have not have been this way if I was just a bit stronger during the summer break. If I just had held out…
Sunday, 1st of March
And with this day… marks a week since I have left home. It has felt like an eternity. This one week has been fun, a lot has happened. I am thankful for everyone’s efforts in keeping me busy and happy as they can do. I am truly thankful for that. It’s a blessing to have friends like this, you know?
But…
Meh. Woke up at… I dunno…. 10 am? Amanda woke me up. Told me that our previous plan of meeting Raine and Nazri at Chaddy at 10… is obviously not gonna happen. But we were gonna catch the 1:10 pm show of “He’s just not that into you.” at Chaddy. So I had to get up, take a shower, eat lunch and head to Chaddy in time. Thankfully, I could stand up by this time (take away 4 hours and no, I wouldn’t have been able to stand). So, that was alright. Couldn’t get food down myself though – but I bought jam donuts at Chaddy.
On the 900 bus we ran into Zac sitting near the back of the bus, lol. Well I know he had work there but I didn’t know it was at that time. He accompanied us for a while when we met up with Raine / Nazri at Nandos and then umm… bought our tickets at Hoyts cinema. We saw big Alex at Chaddy with his friends too. We watched the movie and decided to head home after buying groceries for dinner tonight. James came by to drive us home. Dinner was porridge! Cause I can’t eat anything else (as I can’t swallow anything else). Just a nice quiet dinner with the five of us.
I spent the remaining night cleaning my room up, unpacking and on MSN. Uni tomorrow… not that I have class but I’ll be there for MCAC lunch tables. Gotta direct the new members who do come, socialise and meet em’ all. And hope they’ll feel rig ht at home with our large group, lol.
Uhh... entry not for any day. I got some belated birthday gifts from some of my lovelies! Amanda gave me an awesome new hat!! I am gonna wear it more often. I dunno, it makes me look more like those pretty korean chicks you get in fashion magazines. Except I'm not pretty, fashionable or Korean enough. Hahaha. Jia Chee got me cute cute cute winter mittens, compact mirror and cute doggie phone hanger. Lesley got me a *gasp* A HAMMY! A HAMMY!!!! I name it... Hamu Hamu. LOLOLOL.
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