Where does this leave me?

One day you had a life. Next day you didn't. One day you had everything, next day you lost it all. I wonder where does this all leave me? The future is really uncertain now. I don't even feel sad anymore. I think I've lost it (me mind).

A thank you to especially James for comforting me for the night. =.= Sorry to the people I seemingly ignored throughout the night. @.@

Dreams that you never wanted to see...

This is the part of me that sort of hates how my so-called 'happiness' tends to fluctuate intensely. It's too volatile, which is why I like to describe myself as 'unstable'. Until I can stop it with the mood swings I'll never call myself as normal as everyone else. I woke up fairly anxious today, why's that? Dreams. I am now cursing my dreams, because the dreams are showing me what my mind has been trying to avoid. And I don't want to see it. I do not want to see people I've been avoiding to think, denying myself to think - appearing in my dreams. It felt so real I could slowly feel the part of me that I was trying to keep normal slowly fall away. I woke up and immediately went to bury myself under my blankets, under my pillows; shaking in fear and longing...

I got up an hour or so later, to get ready for school. Liz was there but I spoke to her very briefly as I had to go my way, and she with her's. From what I know, she spent most of her time in the library with Nic. She asked me where room 27 was when I got to uni, then I sent her in the wrong direction and only remembered that room 27 is in the primary school area... not secondary. Whoops. I'm sorry Liz even though you already did text me after saying you'll kill me for that. Today wasn't as busy although for some reason I was tired. I did random things like chase around year 13 students who did not hand in their CAS diaries after days (I still remember that - barged into three classes and was like "Your diaries. Where are your diaries?!"). Cleaned things up a bit, stapled things up onto the IB board and what not.

Uhh... what else. Mrs. C commented that I look nice today. O.O I was wearing black and white pretty much, I like that outfit cause it like... makes you look thinner. Although when I told mum this she was like "Pffft. More like you barely have anything left to say you're fat about". I dunno, I still see fat everywhere if I look into the mirror. Although I must keep in mind I don't wanna be one of those bony women, lol.

Besides that, not much else. I sort of can't remember. Left school at lunch, went to eat lunch... no noodles in the kopitiam (me: O.O WTF NO NOODLES HOW CAN THERE NOT BE KOLO MEE??)... uhh.. got home. I took another nap. Oh what a mistake. Bad dream there. Bad dream there. CRAP, that destroyed my mood for the afternoon I found myself crying again. *hits head* What was the dream? It was like... what I would call... my emotions in living breathing colour playing out in my mind! It felt so real I could feel the fear and my heart beauting.

I got home. It was dark. It was empty. No matter where I went it was empty. Even the outside was empty. Everywhere was empty. Just me, just only me. It flashed to an msn screen. Not a single person was online. I was just alone and I just stared out into the space - alone. I woke up after that, heart pumping heavily. Then you have the usual set of drama that I come with. I start thinking of bad things. Thinking of the wrong things. I went really sad and what not. Thanks to Xin, Raine and Akmal for worrying about me... and calming me down. =.= I seriously put you guys to shame... it was just a dream. Baka Celine. >.<

Rest of the night was a blur. Dinner was popiah ~ it was good. Mum spent the entire day doing it. @.@ I was not in the best of moods but I was alright I guess. It's gonna be February soon. I said I wanted to get over things by Feb. Doesn't seem like it is happening. At least... this horrific January 2009, I hope the month burns in history and never crosses my mind ever again. In Feb... I need to clean up, start to worry about MCAC and get my act together. Whatever the hell emotions I might be feeling, still need to do my responsibility and I'll keep to the word I said at last year's AGM. No matter what shit happen's I'll do everything I still need to do for the club until my term of office is over. Yeah... I will...

Just another day...

I couldn't think of some fancy title for today's entry, lol. It was a very normal day. Got up as usual, although I seem to be getting lazier. List of work was from yesterday but I actually did very little today but I was exhausted from the beginning. I had to clear out and clean up the shelf full of uni prospectus for IB students. It was a pain in the ass because that shelf is outside, so the damn thing was filthy. I was so tired by the time I was done I was like all sluggish for the rest of the day. Besides that, I just worked on a powerpoint for a bit, went to sit in Mr. Barrett's year 6 class for a while, ate lunch and read my book and helped set up an assembly in the afternoon involving a scuba diving, coral reef conservation and attempting to convince the students to join in (although it'll cost $500 to complete the course to become a certified scuba diver).

The assembly setup involved me running back and forth looking for the IT technician to setup the powerpoint projector. Cause I could never find him. And I was getting irritated from exhaustion (I think I walked up and down the school area like a dozen times today - the ICT room is right at the end unfortunately). He was out for lunch apparently. Then when he didn't show up at the assembly like he should of (it was just 5 minutes late by yeah... we had 10 more minutes to setup) I went to get him again and he was on Facebook in the room! I would of lol-ed if it wasn't for the fact that Ms. Hancox was in there. He was a pretty cool guy though, we chatted a bit but then there was the assembly to listen to (he pulled up a chair for me so we were like sitting behind the powerpoint projection - unable to see, haha, not that I minded since I could still listen to the guy's presentation anyway). I wish I could try out scuba diving but I wouldn't have the money to do that. I liked how humerous Mr. Canterford sounded when he was like... two main problems with those interested in the scuba diving. Problem #1.) It costs monies (a lot of monies - for us anyway) and 2.) If you can't swim then... that is a big problem. Normally people from ISB can swim though cause they sort of force you to learn *shudders at the primary school swimming days*.

When the assembly man first came, he said that someone phoned him saying "Be there at 1:30 PM!" That phonecall was me and Mrs. C smacked me on the arm saying that's not very polite. Then he changed his words and said that "I just wasn't as polite as I could be" (in a relaxed way - I wasn't in trouble). But I must say.... HEYYY, I did not say that. I'm pretty sure I was sort of like "Uhh... would you be able to come at 1:30" or something like that. I wouldn't demand people of things. But I get nervous talking on the phone still so sometimes not everything comes out as I want it to. T.T I hate the telephone, lol. Even at ISB, I can just phone people easily using the phone extensions but I still normally get up and walk to the room to talk to people directly.

At lunch, Ms. Natalia was like... the book! She wanted to borrow Tony Parsons' "My Favourite Wife" from me, but I was reading it so she said after I was done. But I was taking my sweet time and she apparently finished her last book and didn't want to start another one until she went through mine first (as she has limited time to do that - considering I have only two weeks left). So she went to see how much left of the book I had and said she'll give me 2 days before confiscating my book (lol). Well, I finished it already. Heh, it was a good book. A bit of a bittersweet ending (leaning more towards the tragic side) but you could guess from the beginning it wasn't gonna end well when a story involves a man loving both his wife and his mistress. In simple stories the wife just has to turn into an evil bitch and we don't feel bad anymore. Sadly, it wasn't so simple. Now I need a new book to bring to school to read during lunch (cause me is a loner and I eat alone~). Probably gonna start Swan Adamson's "My Three Husbands"... *watches as you people stare at her book names*... whaaaat~ they are all chick-lits! What do you expect? :P Although I don't think it is fair to call Tony Parsons stories 'chick-lits', lol. I wanna read Tony Parsons other books. He has like 5 other. Perhaps I'll get them second hand off Ebay or something...

And just looked at Liz's blog. Oh yay, she got the job at ISB! I have a lunch buddy now (maybe the novel reading is now no longer necessary, lol - cept when I run out of things to do or just get bored). And then I just got a phone call from her. She's with Ms. Wong! Lucky~ I guess she got in with Ms. Wong's referral (I dunno who referred me but I assume it was Ms. Hancox because Ms. Wong didn't even realise I was in the school until that day I told you where she looked at me - went away and went back to look at me again).

No, I'm not becoming anorexic guys....

I was a bit tired today cause last night... I would of went to bed at 11 PM as usual but then I was having too much of a good time 'gossiping' with Yi Xin, Tom, Chris and Drue that I didn't sleep until past 12. Then by the time I went to bed I had a bit on my mind I guess I slept for 5 or less hours (assuming I wake up at 6 AM daily). Good thing is that, I felt perfectly fine today! I realise that my mind is currently in what I would call a state of 'avoiding to think' more then 'getting over it' but soon, I'll face the music soon. Just let me wait a few more weeks.

Hmm. My time at ISB today. TIRING. Very TIRING. List of things to do, so many things to do... I was running around looking for students the whole day. You wouldn't believe how many classes I went to, barging in, yelling out "Is Janrius in here??!!", "Is there a Wie Lian in this class??" or something like that. Now everyone seriously recongises me because I barge into every class way too often these days. When I was dropping off books in the drama room, Ms. Wong was teaching a class in there (for those who dunno Ms. Wong is this pretty and young Asian teacher who has been at the school for who know's how long, she watched me grow up, haha. I remember how she used to scold me when I was like 10 and stuff). We all really like her cause she has never really scolded me before, but still managed to discipline me.

Ms. Wong: "Celine.... *stares seriously*.... you MUST EAT. You seriously must eat!"
Me: "Huh?"
Ms. Wong: "You are a skeleton!"
Me: "Hah? No way!"
Ms. Wong: "You are like 25% of what you were before!"
Me: "I'm eating! I'm eating!" T.T *shuffles away*

Then I get home and look at my blog comments. Seriously, I am not becoming anorexic, don't worry. Yes, I am eating. No, I'm not eating a lot, that's true. But I'm still eating, don't worry. And no, I didn't stop eating originally to lose weight anyway. I stopped eating cause of my emo phase, and I think you all can guess why I was in my emo phase to begin with anyway. Not that I mind losing weight... I don't see how I am a skeleton. Everyone I know is still thinner then me! I still see a tummy! Just 5 more pounds ~ then I'll stop. Ehehe. And get the fat off my blubby legs *nods* Then I'll be happy. It's nice how like... clothes that were a bit too tight for me in the past is now sort of loose. Like the shirt I was wearing today, lol. It used to stick to me. Now it's hanging off me.

One of the year 12 student's today was holding a bake sale to raise funds for a Viet boy I think it was who was mauled by a dog, and lost a limb. Funds raised go towards his reconstruction surgery. It didn't go as well as wanted cause none of the year 12 brought things in to sell (except a few). Mrs. Canterford was like... "No, it's not that the other students forget! It's BECAUSE THEY ARE SELFISH!" O.O He still managed to raise $173 though. For some reason I was found selling some of the stuff, although they should of gotten one of the other student's to do it. I shouldn't be doing labour for the students. Oh well, it's nice when I managed to get hesistating people to buy things though. If I think about it, I should prepare for O-week next month. Must get... 200 new members during o-week. My goal! Last year's goal for MCAC was 150 from what I remember Vu telling me at that time, although they got about 180 during that time. So we should aim higher!

I was in the ISB secondary library for a while. Haven't been inside properly for years. Then I realised. Oooh! They have new books! Books I want to read! It's a treasure trove. *_* I wish I had a library card, lol. Sad Brunei's public library has... absolutely nothing. Then I noticed that that library books were all wrapped up nicely to protect from wear and tear. Then it gave me this idea to get out my old book covers (that are still hidden in our shelf) and wrap up my novels. Since I carry a book with me EVERYWHERE these days I should wrap them up because the covers and corners get creased in my bag. Excellent idea, Celine! Ehehehe.

Oh, and take care my Melbourne friends. Beginning of class, Mr. Grieves (he's a young English teacher from Williamstown, Melbourne) is like "Did you hear what the weather is in Melbourne today? They are reaching like 43 C!" Holy CRAP. Gahhhh. The weather is messed up. It's still raining daily here (although not as bad and not as often).

And since I wasn't blogging at New Years! Well it is Chinese New Years right now. I was always keen to copy Rachel's new year resolution. Since I think it applies to me too. And this is me copying her exactly word by word (I'm sorry Rachel).

New Years Resolution (Stolen from Rachel)
o1. Be less afraid. Not EVERYONE thinks you're a pest. It's okay to invite people out and ask people to spend some time with you.
o2. Be more active. (Read: GET A FUCKING JOB when in Melbourne. Or at least volunteer somewhere. DON'T SIT AT HOME ALONE ALL DAY AND STEW IN BRAINJUICES.)
o3. Think before you talk.
o4. Don't blame yourself all the time. :\ Sometimes people don't treat you like shit because you're a bad person. Sometimes people treat you like shit because they're douches.

I'm sad I already broke every resolution this year even before I decided to follow them. Except for number 2. Since I do too much volunteer stuff as it is. Hehe. Number 1 and 4 is a big one for me. Especially 4. Although I think I shouldn't blame myself, I also need to take responsibility for my actions. Since it can be my fault and I should consider that. I can't stand people who blame everyone else for their own faults.

Reply to comments...
@ Magdalene: Yeah, I read your blog! I love your post about loving your friends. It was really beautiful! Hehe, don't mind me I am a sucker for reflective writing. De-stress yourself! I'll always be here for you too, just as you've always been there for me. After all these years.
@ Akmal: Yes, sir! I will stay normal, sir! XD
@ Yi Xin: *huggles* Yes, mama.
@ Lesley: I find them online, I'm too lazy to make my own. I can give you some links if you want. And uhh... yes, mom. :D

And the slavery continues...

Okay, I know it's Day 2 of CNY and all and I'm sure you are all (okay maybe not Mag, lol) still visiting your friend's open houses, or gambling or something. Just pretend I'm a white chick and I don't celebrate CNY, so don't bother asking me what I did today CNY related since my 'celebration' ends yesterday (okay, I'm sure my relatives will have some dinner party on the last day but yeah that's about it). I don't even get ang pau's from a number of relatives anymore. LOL, either they hate me or they hate my family. Whatever, dunno, don't care. Just need mum, dad and my bro and life is fine. Yes. *nods*

I went to work back at ISB today. And the (self-imposed) 'slavery' continues. I walk in, Debbie (or Mrs. Canterford to everyone else) is like "Hi Dear" and within 2 minutes gives me a list of things I need to do that took me the entire day (aka 7 hours). I didn't run around as much as last week (last week was PAINFUL T.T *shudders*) thankfully. And the weather is good now (I don't have to walk through the rain anymore!) I'm actually pretty happy that I've settled into ISB quite nicely, she can now give me tasks and I don't really need to ask her what I'm supposed to do or who I'm supposed to find anymore (since I either already know where or who everyone, or I know how to go and find out myself). Oh yay, indepedance in the school. I generally just made a bunch of documents today Year 12/13 CAS related, and had a hoarde of Year 13's coming in and out looking for Debbie (who ran off somewhere half the time).

Just to finish things off I even skipped my usual Tuesday schedule (which is when I spent most of my day with Mr. Grieves and Mr. Barett - ah well - I did pop in to Mr. Barett's class asking whether he needed my help today). I had to go home without finishing everything I had to do (still need to sort out IB Year 12/13 Careers/Uni shelf with the books from various uni's in the world for Ms. Duce annnnd re-arrange the Principal's bulletin board with images, signs and stuff I made up, oh and to take down the old ones). Tomorrow is gonna have a lot... hmm, I need to work faster. T.T

You know, working with all this CAS stuff makes me wish there was CAS back in my days of ISB (okay, ignoring IB). Since now year 7 - 9 have to do CAS (I assume year 10 and 11 don't because of I/GCSE). It seems a lot more fun and I like how ISB now has like a million clubs because of CAS. There was nothing to join before. Meh. IB from what I've seen is too difficult so the CAS might be fun but more of a nuisance if you have a pile of work behind you. Although, it might be the CAS propaganda rubbing off on me (as Mrs. C has to advertise it of course) but I like the idea behind it. Oh, for the people reading this besides Mag, who dunno what CAS is. It's stands for Creative Action Service, it's a compulsory component in IB (that's a year 12/Foundation/A-Levels equivalent taught at ISB - called the 'best' but the most 'hardest' pre-uni course - even harder then uni apparently, or so they say). In IB, it's where they do like 150 hours of stuff that is not academics and studying. So if you are a quiet mouse who can only sit at a desk, memorise and write things you'll be in trouble as they'll force you to do community service, take part in group, team work and leadership activities, and make you do *GASP* SPORTS! It's probably a pain for some people, an ease for others but overall I think it's a good component since it develops you as an individual a lot better (cause seriously, the world doesn't need more really smart people who are smart but can't act it out confidently in a public or social environment). All the stuff you do is recorded in a diary you have to keep (which I think is awesome cause it's a great high school memento - wish I had one - seriously! I can't even remember myself anymore in ISB, I only have Mag, Manju and Liz to remind me of retarded things I did - or we did together in those days...).

CAS was adapted into the year 7 - 9 curriculum at ISB, where I think they take PSE (Personal Social Education) classes (taught by Debbie). I know they did stuff like first aid, look into AIDs, learn the importance of community service, caring for the environment, working / teaching with primary school kids on various projects. And the school trips like to Pusat Bahagia. I wish we had. Boo boo. Maybe doing other things beside studying would of made me grow up to be a more interesting person - not a book worm without any talents. T.T Meh. Whatever. Too late, I'm already past my teenage years. Gah, 20 now... I was sad I wasted my teenage years but then mum was like... 20's to 30's is the golden age. Instead of regretting make use and enjoy the next decade. Which I will. I definetely will. >.<

Rest of the day. Spent trying to finish one of my novels, Tony Parsons' "My Favourite Wife" because Ms. Natalia (at ISB) saw me reading it one day and wanted to borrow it from me (and possibly read and finish it before I leave). Since you can't buy much books in Brunei ('cept maybe the popular novels). But that's sort of going slowly. And I'm getting tired of reading a novel described as highly 'realistic' but not when it's about a guy being unfaithful to his loving wife and child because he had to fall to the temptations of a lonely Chinese mistress (who isn't a bad person - described as a 'practical' women - becoming a mistress for survival rather then calling her a prostitute for money). Sad thing is that this sort of thing happens way too often in the real world, and you can feel sorry for the people who have to sell sex for money (since I know - as they say, people don't become prostitutes or criminals because they want to - it's because they have no other choice but to - that or they were kidnapped) but it's also sad for the actual wife who spends her time at home run dry trying to care for their young child, sick Granddad and what not while the husband is off frolicking with a young woman in China. It's a lose lose situation for all ('cept maybe the man - until everyone finds out or he feels guilty). Heh, I can tell you many stories of people from Brunei or Malaysia where the wife was abandoned because the husband decided to pick up a Chinese mistress instead...

Thought I would get a new layout for the blog. Since I liked the last one but the column was too thin and it's making the page scroll too much. A pain to read. Took a good amount of time to get everything all pretty looking again (since the layout change made some things funky). I'm also surprised with the number of readers now... makes me self conscious you know. Haha. It used to be just Mag and Liz reading this everyday. But I still need a place to just ramble my thoughts of the day - at least for now anyway. Thanks to the others for comments and stuff. Or everyone's tendency to message me when I have to rant on my blog a bit to get things out. *huggles Xin, Akmal, Khanat, Phe-chan, Les and of course Mag and Liz* Don't every take what I say too seriously, I like to blog and be emo and what not but I'm the type of person who EXAGGERATES a lot. In other words, I make a big deal out of small matters. I don't know, it just sometimes seems like a big deal at the time? My mind seems to do that to me. Give me a few hours of recollection or a good night's sleep and I start asking myself what the hell was the problem to begin with.

At night, I barely ate much dinner. Actually, if I think about it I still don't eat properly (although I feel fine most of the day now). Hmm. Food is still a problem. I only ate random snacks for lunch and took a bite of dinner. Definitely bad for the health. Must work on that. *nods* I won't use the word 'recovery' but I want to be normal by mid-Feb. So I can return to Aus as happy as ever. So, I need to do everything as normal again. And that means I must eat. And I must not get sad the second I am found without anything to do (since my mind tends to wander when that happens, but it shouldn't wander in a negative direction...). Okay, this will work. I know it will. Anyway, after dinner was... video games with the bro and his gf. We normally play Bomberman, make retarded bets on what happens to the losers of each game, and try to beat each other so that we don't lose. I remember last year we betted my Harry Potter books and I lost every single one of them. *sobs* Still having to sleep at 11 PM or 12 AM every night cause of school starting at 7 AM. My dad is starting to get irritated at driving me apparently, lol. Keeps saying why I do it when there is no money involved (which is true, but I think I'm getting something out of it. I mean I really need to develop those interpersonal skills and you can't develop those sitting around playing games all day, or by reading a textbook - gotta get out into the world and interact with people in a professional sense to do that).

Gong Xi Fa Chai

Yay, Chinese New Year! Gong Xi Fa Chai! I didn't really expect much of today, but I tried to keep myself busy enough so that I don't wallow in my shameless emo-ism. But my family don't visit people (cause we like to keep to ourselves - or they do anyway, I'm still in the "I don't mind socialising" stage - if I could). I woke up at around 9 AM a bit shaky, like... clutching onto my pillow for dear life. And I didn't feel too good. But I was like... this is fucking retarded and I am NOT gonna continue being like this so I sat up and decided to go downstairs. Mum was frying up the noodles you're supposed to eat for long life or whatever which was nice. Yeah, I ate lunch at 9:30 AM, lol. Let's see, you're supposed to wear new clothes on the first day of CNY or something, so I was like picking out what to wear from the stuff I got in KL.

At 10:30 AM we headed over to Grandmother's house, and sat around chatting with two of our uncles until 12. It was a bit dull cause like... adult talk. I'm not really that interested, haha. If you are wondering, I have a large family in Brunei but the fact that I never meet them nor do they ever meet us kind of shows you something regarding the state of affairs over here. Majority of my 'family' is overseas also... went somewhere for holiday or whatever. Then we went home and I was tired for some reason, so I took a nap. Hahaha. At around 1:30 got up to go to Laura's open house. My parents went elsewhere during that time. I was bored anyway, so yeah just hung at Laura's place for over an hour. It was sort of weird, cause technically she should attend to all the VIP's in her house but she used me as an excuse to sort of... not... do that. And one time when I was standing about and I ended up having to shake people's hands too. What I didn't realise was that one of the guys was like... the Japanese Embassador. T.T Uhh... *shuffles to the side a bit* Then there was the Singapore Embassador... and stuff (yeah... basically her front yard was full of cars from different embassies and ministers lol). Many VIPs in one place. O.o Uhh... at the house besides talking to Laura, I met her cousin Stephanie, and saw Afiqah and Ridwan - been years pretty much since I saw em'. I was hoping to see Nick or Jona though TBH since I thought they might come XD

Hmm. During a time when Laura was attending others, I was pretty bored lol. All I had was my mobile and I didn't know who to message. Normally I would like message.... uhh... >.> ....actually nevermind but yeah so then I sent it to Akmal since I figured he wouldn't mind me bothering him, haha. And he phoned and I'm sorry dude for killing your credit. Considering you were phoning from Malaysia. =.= But it was good to hear ya again haha I like the periods where it's just MSN and then ur like "kyaa~ I get to hear ya voice *__*" I had that last night with Khanat too in our very brief session of testing out his new headphones. XD

I was really surprised towards dinner! My family decided to eat dinner together. Me: O.O We're actually eating dinner together!! KYAAA~ <3 <3 Whooo hoooo~ the dinner was good but sadly I guess I still have an aversion to food or something. Since I felt really sick while eating (like I was gonna throw up) ... T.T ... but I tried my best to eat. I'm eating more now so hopefully I can slowly build it up and like... be normal again, lol. After dinner... more fireworks! We just set a few off since we didn't spend much on them this year. Uhh... I was scared to death but I managed to light one, lol. My bro and his gf are the fearless ones (cause they've lit too many to care). We had one set of fireworks that is supposed to like... spin... into the air, but it sometimes doesn't work. It was funny it backfired three times (out of six). First time we didn't know what was gonna happen so it just basically went kaboom right in front of us and we were like "O.O OMG!!!! AHHH!!". LOL, fireworks up close (too close o.o) Second time it backfired we ran for it (I hid behind the car, while the family hid behind poles) and did the same thing. LOL, the third one was the big one. Uhh... bro was lighting it, but it backfired by shooting towards us to our house and got caught under the roof and sort of crashlanded right in front of us - by this time we all ran away already except for my bro who sort of like tried to protect himself but didn't run and we were all like screaming our heads off for him to run before the thing blew up... but then it never did luckily o.o almost gave us all a heart attack). Bro said he didn't run cause he was like... "It was too late for me to run!! Gotta try to save myself another way" =.=

After that... played some games with bro and his gf then we went to watch a movie in our living room. "I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry" or something like that. An Adam Sandler movie about two straight men getting married to commit fraud and having to live a gay life to avoid it. It was excellent!!! (okay even though it got bad reviews lol) YI XIN, WE ARE SOOO WATCHING THIS WHEN WE GET BACK TO MELB!! Everyone together!! Seriously, it's a must!! Ahahahahaha XD XD Reminds me of our time of watching umm... Good Luck Chuck. Hehe, that was something I'll always remember....

Anyway it's 10:40 PM for me I should try to sleep by 11 PM-ish. Since work starts tomorrow ~ yay for waking up at 6 AM and getting to school by 7 AM. *nods* Liz is coming by tomorrow to see if she can get a placement at ISB too, that would be awesome cause then I'll have someone to chat to and eat lunch with~ :D :D

Chinese New Year Eve

Hah, this is funny. I'm basically spending my CNY eve talking to Lesley, Sam, Tom, Drue and James #2. Yay for me [sarcasm] =.=. Anyway, today... I woke up at like 9 AM after going to sleep at 3 AM. It was rare for me to sleep at 3 AM actually but I was sort of having fun talking to Mag and Akmal I didn't feel like sleeping, haha. Anyway, my mum woke me up via text message (cause she knows out of habit now for some reasons I know you guys can guess I keep my mobile next to me these days- even though there is no longer any point to that...) basically writing that they were going up now so I better get my ass up to join them, lol. So I dragged myself out of bed and went out for umm... errands and then lunch.

I was really dizzy for some reason, and I sort of felt I was gonna like... faint walking down the street, lol. I think the whole... not eating thing is sort of affecting my everyday health now XD But yeah, I ate a lot today to make up for it. *nods* Well... for lunch anyway. I barely ate anything for dinner actually if I think about it... Hmm. Yeah, after lunch I came home... and... slept for hours, lol cause I was tired. And there was nothing to do. I got up and uhh.. emotion wise I was in a weird mood. But yeah... for some reason I felt the need to get to the phone and talk to someone. Anyone. But I can't think of who to call. Or more like I can't think of who I can call, who wouldn't shove the phone down on me in annoyance - or at least want to hear me out. To just understand me. Or to not make me feel even more worthless as a person. Don't blame me I'm really wary and afraid of ... some people these days. So yeah... I phoned Manju and luckily it was like the rare day where she wasn't having dance practice in the afternoon. So we managed to chat and gossip for like an hour. Hehe. She really lifted my moods (thanks manj if ur reading this <3). She always knows what to say to me, hehe. Maybe cause she's just too kind or maybe just because after 12 years I'm too familiar with her already. Anyway, after that we went out to uhh.. buy firecrackers and to pick up food for tomororw. The place we were at... I didn't know it belonged to my mum's cousin or something. O.o

Then got home... and went out again since it was nearing 6:30 PM and we had to like pick up food for tonight for Grandmother's house. Uhh... yeah, I got there and no one and I mean literally no one except my Grandma was there. Me (and Mum and Dad): T.T lol well it figures >.> Basically this is my mum's side of the family (I dunno anyone in my dad's family and I never will - long story behind that one) but yeah... over a decade people slowly decided not to meet up anymore so CNY is pitiful with just a few of us. So it wasn't really much... and there was even less people this year then last year so uhh... me and my bro just sat in front of the TV the entire time watching Rush Hour, lol.

I was looking for something to drink but when I opened the fridge there was nothing in there except for beer. Me: .... T.T .... *walks over to bro* "Ko, there's nothing to drink except for bro :(" ... my bro: .................... hmph (he sort of stiffled a laugh bro had this WTF this is a waste of time face the entire time >.>) Umm... yeah there wasn't really anyone for me to talk to - it's just me, bro and 3 [male] cousins who are like... young and stuff but yeah they don't talk very much and my bro isn't a very friendly person when his gf isn't around (if ya ask me hahaha). I am very sad I'm the youngest female in my generation of the family... I wonder what it is like to have a female cousin that is near to your age *__* I'm so jealous of the people who have them... she could be like a friend *__*... so niceee.... yeah my cousins are like 30...or more. And I don't really know them ... see them like once every 4 years, lol.

Anyway, after like 2 hours we left (oh yay my CNY~ two hour dinner in silence. T.T) went home and yeah... I just sat around on the comp since my bro after that spent the entire time on the phone with his gf (seriously, they see each other every single hour of the day and is apart for like 2 hours and still manage to be able to talk on the phone for 2 hours lol). Mum and dad were watching football and didn't talk very much. >.> On the way home from Grandma's house I saw a lot of houses with people sitting around a table, eating, steam boat, playing mahjong and stuff. Makes me jealous... a bad emotion I know. That I shouldn't have... but... I can't help it. =.= I just wonder what it's like to have a family like that sometimes.....

Okay, times like this I must heed Samuel's words. Look at what you do have, Celine, not what ya don't. *nods* Yeah... I need to really imprint that into my heart. ^^;; Must~ must~ a lot of people have it a million times worse. I need to remember and understand that. Hmm, first day tomorrow won't be anything for me. I don't have family or friends to visit. Oh well, it's life. It's life. It's okay. It's okay.... meh, I need to find someone or something to distract myself with. I'm so sad no one is really online (but I can't really ask anymore of people can I... haha everyone should have fun tonight *nods* I was thinking of stopping to talk to anyone cause I have a feeling I'm just ruining everyone's mood these days - if I need to cry I should go cry alone XD shouldn't drag anyone else with me... yeah.. I really shouldn't... I'm such an idiot)

.... I so hate myself, I need to have one day where I'm not crying. Seriously. This is so fucking retarded I'm so tired of this already. Shit, I'm so tired of being like this already. Feel sick every single minute of the day, I don't even know what the hell is wrong and I don't think there is anything wrong. I'm just being an idiot right now these past few weeks. A stupid idiot. Stupid idiot who can't just appreciate being alive as a blessing. I'm basically destroying myself on my own for no good reason. >.<

The sky keeps crying...

Let's see... I had a shit-ass day where I was upset for the entire time. I forced myself to sleep until 10:30 AM (but that didn't work to well I was awake by 5:30 and tormented the entire time - I have trouble sleeping these days anyway .... ironic, since I just want to be asleep - it's the only time I find peace). Uhh... I had nothing to do today and well... the books distraction is starting to wear off (it might be largely because of the content of the books I am reading... it's all romance but some particular ones... the men are all idiots and disloyal and cheating T.T) so I basically woke up in the morning... read for a few hours and continued sleeping on my couch.

For most of the day. In the evening... well dinner was alone... and I didn't feel like eating. So.. I threw most of it away. No, I'm not gonna die from malnutrition, guys - don't worry. And yes, I did sort of... faint a bit in the afternoon (not really, okay I tried to get up but after 1 minute standing by the window I blacked out but I could still feel myself standing so I tumbled onto the couch as I didn't want to collapse on the tiled floor so I fell over on that - I could move after a few minutes - I assumed that was just from sleeping too much since I get dizzy when I sleep too much). By night I was edgy and frantic and I was afraid of having another... fit.. or seizure more like it like last night but Xin Xin and Akmal (and Khanat and Mag) were around to keep be distracted so <3 ya guys~ Hehe, it helped me loads... I can sleep peacefully tonight at least. For their sake at least I'll be happy tonight... ^^

And I'm crying again. Once again. Seriously... can I just fall asleep and not wake up? I don't want to think anymore. I don't want to hate myself anymore. I don't want to think I'm not good enough for anyone anymore. I don't want to think I'm below anyone else anymore. I don't want to be looked down upon anymore. I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not anymore. I'm tired. Really. Of everything. Of this world, of the different types of people in this world, of everything that happens because people are so different.

In the end I'm just a fool who is always and always has been envious of everyone else. Everyone else who lives in a different way, confident of themselves, liked by themselves, liked by everyone else. Like I always knew, I'm someone who has hated myself for as long as I can remember - and because of that I've never gotten anywhere. I've regretted my life more then you can imagine (and I'm only 20) and it's just mortifying to think I can't turn back time. I don't want to die regretting the life I lead but I think in the end I'll end up that way too. And that thought is something I just can't take sometimes. People told me that I can change. So I tried to change. But I didn't change. I was 'pretending'. I don't think I can pretend anymore. I haven't changed a single bit.

I hate it. I hate it all. I hate it all. I hate it so much. Why does time even have to move at all... all I hear every single day from various people is how stupid I am. How useless I am. How I can't do anything. I can't even hear anything good anymore. And it's all true. I'm the most useless pathetic person I know... I can't think of one redeeming feature, and I'm never good enough for anybody. I'm always the second-best, the sub-par, the second choice, the whatever. Someone you'll get tired of eventually, someone who isn't worth your time. If you're smart, you should be like everyone else and throw me away as fast as you can. You'll be happier with someone else. Everyone else always was when they did that. I'm not someone worth keeping... I'm not someone worth your time...

I'm sorry to my friends. But I needed to get that out. It's why this blog exists. If you don't want to see this part of Celine, then please don't read this anymore. Just look at the facade I always try to put up... that is, if I even have the strength to put it up anymore.

I just want to sleep for a very long time now... and not wake up. I can't eat anymore, I can't seem to sleep properly... I don't want to sit around and stare at a wall all day. I feel like I'm gonna slowly go crazy like this...

Encounters at Hua Ho...

*hugs Akmal, Les, Xin and Mag* XD <3 Thanks guys for your concern... I like how all 4 of you used different methods to pass me a message (by SMS, blog comment, msn and email, lol). Don't get me wrong though... it wasn't cause no one was online. There were people there. It's just that... I don't think I should talk to anyone anymore. Because of what a certain someone said. Holding things in might be the right way to go. Being too honest doesn't seem to get me anywhere. Being too honest seems to just get me hated. But thanks for being there. I started sniffing after reading Magdalene's email... ^^

Anyway... had a very bad night last night. Woke up several hundred times, my heartbeat is always going so fast I seem to be hallucinating heart pains now =.= I try to ignore all that but I did notice my chest was hurting here and there.... Got up today, uhh... I've been a zombie today. Like... expressionless. Emotionless. Just sort of... huh, what.. oh... yeah... whatever to everything. I really didn't have the strength to be all hyper and happy as usual. Yeah, I pretend a lot but it only goes a certain distance before I deem it too long (or I'll try more tomorrow but I'm too tired today to care). Went to ISB at 7 AM but it was closed again. =.= So I went back home and took a nap since I try to keep myself unconscious (okay asleep) as long as possible since I don't really want to be awake anymore, after that... continued reading "New Moon" then went out for lunch with my parents. After that we were just hobbling around Hua Ho looking for stuff but couldn't find it so we had to go to two different Hua Ho's. At Hua Ho Manggis (the one nearer to my house) I brought more novels (Like that chick in shopaholic, I'm a spend thrift... I tend to buy things when I'm like..down)... then went down to join my parents in the veggie section. Mum was like.. "Oh, look it's Laura's father! Go say hi" (note: I was still a zombie during this time) so I was like.. "Huh.... What? Really? Uhh.....wha...". Apparently mum said he was staring at me as I was wandering about the veggie section, lol. Umm... cause I was really out of it I'm a bit upset that I think I was too rude to her family (I should of greeted everyone more properly - stupid stupid me... but I didn't even know who was who - plus I am not used to talking anymore... good god I dunno what's gonna happen when I return to Aus @.@ I'll be expected to talk again during o-week!! >.< ... I feel like just hiding in a corner). Anyway we went to say hi and stuff, and he told me Laura was around somewhere too (oh for any ISB-ians reading this.. yeah Laura as in Laura Chong, lol). He then went off somewhere I guess to tell Laura I was there since she came up after that.

We just had the usual small talk, she asked me to go to lunch or something and to go to her open house too. So yeah... I was like, just facebook whatever details. I mean it's not like you can go out right now anyway there is still no electricity anywhere. And apparenlty tonight there is gonna be a 'great storm'... although the storms now are no longer jokes because the landslides have already killed a few people and... we really don't need anymore. My relatives place are flooding also (I'm fine just because we live too far away from the commericial district and I live on a hill).

Anyway, after that we didn't really talk much (well me and Laura I guess are sort of old friends... since I knew her since I was 11 or something but we weren't really that close, I would even feel weird going to lunch cause ya know... I am not really with that group of people she's always with...) so she went off back to her family. Then mum went to talk to even more people. Turns out it was Laura's aunt and uncle. And my mum knew them too since they live in Canada and was like best friends with my uncle or something (and we lived in Canada too for a while). I was like.... why does everyone know each other... lol, what the I dunno anyone O.O I call this the Brunei chinese family effect. Since all these bandar Chinese families were close like 20 years ago so they all know each other, lol. Well... I only know Laura cause she went to ISB and is the only one also who went to Monash (and stayed in the Halls - oh besides Rohit but that guy is never coming back to Brunei anyway nor is he Bruneian to begin with). She's going back to Aus pretty early... I guess she's bored of Brunei too (and she has awesome plans in Aus anyway, beach house *___*... so nicceeee).

Anyway, back at home. Bah Kuh Teh dinner. Today was the last day of eating lunch outside since pretty much every place we like to go to is closed until the 30th of Jan. I am trying to eat more cause like... I wanna lose more weight (still consider myself fat no matter what anyone tells me T.T but maybe I do that thing they say that every girl shoves 10 pounds onto herself moreso then how anyone else sees her *shrugs* Can't help it) but yeah, my partial attempt at starvation isn't the healthy way to go sooo I would rather not have things go that way. Although I sort of like it when I see my relatives and stuff... they are all like O.O ur no longer fat!! lol so I can actually stand next to my brother with a bit more pride. I still hate my chubby face but I think mum or dad said to keep the chubby kiddy look at least you still look young compared to some other ppl who grow up too fast (I like how ppl still think I'm a high school kid when I'm 20 already... =D).

Anyway, CNY will be very boring as usual. No idea what to do... guess I'll just read all my novels (I have around 6 to get through before I leave). Not really looking forward to seeing the relatives on the 25th, like I'll see much of them anyway. Since most of them go overseas to some fancy place >.> I wonder what it's like to have a CNY when the whole family has a nice large dinner at someone's house and just have lots of fun chatting away with their cousins and karaoke and stuff... well that's how I hear it from some people and on TV and stuff. My family sort of stopped that dinner thing when I was young and right now a few people get together for dinner but every year the house is very... eery and quiet... and no one really talks much. I dunno I think it's cause everyone is too miserable or not liking each other, so I really hate the atmostphere. I should be like my bro, indifferent to all of that he rather just stay home and play CS with his girlfriend, lol (although that might be the thing with my bro - he has his gf no one else matters nor will he ever care) haha I wish I could have someone as important as that... or be as important as that... but the chance of that happening is next to nothing.

I have not really gone outside for fun since the 10th of Jan. I wonder if I should see whether Manj has time to go out again (but her performance is on the 30th... I really should not phone her and bother her anymore >.< I have bothered her enough already with my bday...). Liz is in Singapore... mmm... dad brought up the topic of me not coming home next year again. I dunno... it's not like I'll be any better off in Aus. I'll be just as alone there too, I mean the house is empty anyway and people would have moved out by next year... gah, I am slowly chipping away my hope I really should not do that. T.T

The future is frightening though.

I feel like shit right now. Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit. I go on MSN, I go on MCAC's forum chat. I don't see anyone online I can talk to. The more I'm like this the more people grow to hate me. The more they want to leave me. I dunno what to do, I dunno what to think I don't want to think. Somebody save me please...

No Electricity...

*looks out the window* And it is still raining. According to the weatherman, 23rd - 29th will be pouring unless the clouds shift or blow away. It'll be a very wet CNY if that is the case. I don't really care since I don't go out much for CNY anyway (nothing is open, and no - I don't have friends or relatives to visit unlike everyone else). I'll probably sleep the days away and just continue reading books (well, I only have a day off for the first day anyway, from second day onwards I'm back at ISB - I guess they don't have holidays anymore for CNY like they used to). Flooding does not affect me much but I would rather not have all the power stations go down again. Cause the Gadong station went down most of Gadong, Kiarong and Kiulap have no electricity and it is gonna last for days...

Let's see. I got up at 6 AM as usual, when I went to ISB at 7 AM I saw Mr. C standing outside with a huge whiteboard that says "School Closed. No electricity or water." Me and my parents were like, "Yay! Day off for you!!!" LOL I would be so happy if I was actually a student. I wonder if there will be school tomorrow since the power will not be fixed by then either. Can't decide whether I should be bothered to get up or not, but it would be bad if there is school and I dun show up or inform Mrs. C... rather sadly I dun have her mobile number either (I should have really got it).

Yay, got home... and finished off reading 'Confessions of a Shopaholic'. Hehe, a rather nice ending. I like the climax of every story in these chick lits, when the selfish main character realises what a selfish bitch she has been and takes the actions needed to change her life for the better. Okay, main character still is a money spending materialist, but at least at the end she was shown to be capable of feeling for others. Normally I prefer reading books that don't fall under the chick lit category, like more dramatic ones since they tend to pass off a more powerful message and I like reading these things (it's like how I like reading poetry too). Since chick-lits are obviously not written to give you things to think about. But yeah... these messages... probably because I sometimes need these messages to be drilled into my head (honestly, if I wrote a novel basing the main charater off me she would be the biggest bitch to walk this planet). It's like how I remember watching '1 Litre of Tears', it got me through MUFY (during exams where I had that... rather... nasty "I did not talk for one week" thing). Since uhh... I remember the main message the actual girl in real life was trying to pass off was something along the lines of "Just being alive is already a beautiful thing". Which is so very true. Reminds me of what Samuel told me I had to do also. Look at what is around you already, not beyond that, or before that.

Afternoon... took a nap then started on the next book! During my freetime in ISB, I'm still reading on with Tony Parsons' "My Favourite Wife" which I'll be done with soon. It has taken me ages since I don't have that much freetime in ISB these days (in the beginning it was fine but... Mrs. C is increasingly giving me more things to do? I wonder if it's because at first it was the start of the term... now things are starting to get off the ground and BGIC is getting closer, clubs are starting... yeah....). Didn't know what to start with next so... just went with "New Moon". The second book of Twilight. Heh. I did not enjoy the first as much but might be because it was like reading the same thing again since the movie is based off it (however much scenes they took out). At least "New Moon" will be new material!

Today's the 22nd of Jan... exactly one month until my flight to Aus. I have mixed feelings now I guess. I love my family and I love my home. Heck, I love Brunei. Okay, the please isn't exactly exciting but... it's a familiar place to me I guess. Somewhere that feels like home. I don't think I'm someone suited to live in large cities anyway. I could never stand the traffic, the pollution, the noise, the mass amount of people everywhere. It'll make me go all @.@ after a while (although I guess I can easily adapt even if you do suddenly shove me to live in Hong Kong or something... or I think anyway). I am so very happy I'm living in Melbourne's surburbs rather then like... live on Arrow on Swanston like Manj, Din and the others walking to RMIT everyday 3 minutes away. It's a different kind of life but I dunno whether I really want all that hustle and bustle in the city.

Mind you, the only attachment I really still have to this country is with my parents. Sometimes this resolve of mine wavers (as with last night, as I was huddled under my blanket in fear, pain and tears once again - covering my ears - and if you know me you know why I am like this rather often) but I remind myself that I still gotta hold on to them. In the end, I can still see that I always have a home with mum and dad. It doesn't mean that I should not aspire to find more happiness for myself, since I dunno how many people told me already that I shouldn't hold back either. If I do I'll probably grow old, bitter in regret just like... well... certain people I know. But I'll still stick to my resolve that I will find happiness for myself, but not at the expense of everyone else. I don't want to be happy stepping on others and taking away their right. The world is like a mesh of different wants and desires by everyone around you. Because not everyone's wants are the same - that's where conflict and clashes occur. If I truly want to be happy, sure... I could step on everyone and head towards where I want to go. But, this isn't something I think I could ever do. So I don't think it's wrong to compromise, and to make some sacrifices to what you want for someone else. As long as in the end I can still see some form of what I wanted at the end of the path.

Now onto more emo-ness in this blog! You know you want it, hah. Okay, I don't know how it happened but I think reading Twilight has this effect on me. So I started on "New Moon" and after a while I would stop and... think about... stuff. That happened last year. In October and November. Stuff that I would be willing to have amnesia for, and to erase from my mind forever. I immediately stopped reading, sort of stared blankly at the wall for like an hour then realised what I was doing. And I felt sick to the very core. A mix of anger, sadness and just pure loathing... for, I've no idea what. Probably myself. For being like this. So I tried to stop thinking altoghter and went off to sit in front of the TV with my parents. That only lasted 5 minutes because they were watching Larry King live. I went back and grabbed another book in my room, and started another new book. I had one more novel unread by Sophie Kinsella (her newest one - "Remember Me?"). I think my current nerves can't handle dark romance like Twilight. Cause I was reading this in the beginning of January also and if you know me you know how I was during that time. Then my mood was more pleasant after I finished that and started on Shopaholic. Maybe Kinsella's lighthearted writing and her goofy female leads is just more healthier for me for now.

When I run out of chick-lits to read I think I may have to go out to buy more, lol. Even though I didn't want to buy anymore new books for now. But the remaining books I have are like... dramatic and too dark for my current state of mind. Yeah, need more romantic stories about hopelessly stupid women who find the perfect one in the end when they decide to change a bit. Heh. It's flawed writing that lacks essential meaning at times, but I can easily see why chick-lits appeal to housewives and women between their 20's and 30's. Everyone finds different ways to get their mind off things, to find themselves hope and inspiration. A lot of people make fun of chick-lits, and its reputation for being trashy writing. So it isn't Dan Brown, or Shakespeare. But it makes me laugh (it's pretty amazing if a pile of words in a book can make me laugh and giggle like a little girl), and honestly... I gotta give the authors credit for that.

I was looking at my luggage today. I slowly filled it up with stuff, and I went to arrange it today. I have a lot more to put in (cause new clothes, random items and MCAC stuff which I have not bought yet) needs to be shoved in. But it's already full as it is. I am so dead, haha. I'll be having an extra box with me this time. I hope I don't overweight...excessivly. I dunno what I will do if that happens (I don't even know what I should take out to lighten the load). Worry about that closer to the date. One more month... I'm counting on day by day. Like I'm hanging on day by day. I think I know what I want right now though. I WANT to go back, but I think I'm trying to surpress this want and tell myself I don't want to go back because I feel bad for my parents. They want to see me more then anything, so I should want to see them more then anything to. It just feels wrong for me to want to see anyone else. Especially if they don't return the same feeling. And thus the chaos seems to continue in my heart.

Rain, rain go away... to Australia preferably.

It keeps raining. It just KEEPS ON RAINING. It has been raining since my birthday (which was Jan 10 - today is the 21st, lol) every single little day. I wake up, it's raining. It starts raining in the afternoon every so once in a while. It rains every single night! Last night was a bad one. There was thunder and lightening, which I haven't seen in a while and I dunno, the flashing lights in my cold dark little rather empty room really scared me. Wish I wasn't alone in there. *sniffles* I know it's silly but I couldn't shake away the feeling even if I wanted to.

But that wasn't the bad part anyway. I woke up and went to Pusat Bahagia, the school the ISB year 8's were heading to for their field trip. This school is for disabled children, and I was surprised Brunei had a school like this. I was like... wow. A school where there are actually ramps for wheel chairs and multi-tiered handle bars literally in every part of the building. However, I was disappointed that the school was in really bad shape. Like really shape. And it's in an odd location with like... gates everywhere. No one could tell there was a school there. My mum told me that rumours had it that the school was a detention / rehab centre for drug addicts. Oh yay to Brunei. We can easily see what kind of attitude they have for the disabled (although I've no idea why they insist on barring the school with weird metalic gates).

Yesterday's rainstorm was rather chaotic. The huge roundabout in Kiulap area has this tunnel (like the only one in Brunei I can think of). I guess drainage is non-existent as it flooded right to the top of the tunnel apparently (although by the afternoon much of it went down - although the road was closed the entire time). Traffic was everywhere since people had to get around and take detours. There were a million landslides all over the place, no electricity in the Gadong area (ISB and Pusat Bahagia both had no electricity). One half of the secondary school at ISB was flooded (the Art, DT workshop, Geo, History and Math rooms) so they shut the school down by 10:30 (and wanted EVERYONE out of the school by 1 PM). During the trip I went back to ISB for a short while to print pictures with Mr. Green, until I realised there was no electricity (and Mr. Green's class he went back to teach was cancelled).

Anyway, onto Pusat Bahagia. Uhh... I got there, no teachers. The year 8's were playing rather dangerously on the swings. I couldn't decide whether to tell them to get off or not, since if they broke anything, ISB and the teachers would be in for it. Anyway, there were 3 main activities as there were also 3 classes. Teachers there were Mr. Green, Mrs. C, Ms. Natalia and Mr. Grieves. And yeah, system was that the classes roated around these activities. We had tree-planting, painting the corridors and running activities with certain students at Pusat Bahagia. I sort of jumped in between, did nothing most of the time, take photos, supervise them, helped paint and pass messages and stuff. And had to tick off names a lot. I got yelled at during one point in time where I was in charge of superivisng the painters for a while, but then Ms. Natalia in the other group was calling for me (without knowing I had other things to do) and I left the group and well... Mr. Green was not happy. I have not been sort of 'yelled' at for a long long time (since that does not happen in uni anymore). I still dislike the feeling of being scolded. It scares me. Although it was restricted and after that I was in Mr. Green's car and we chatted a bit - he was nice so that was good. Since yeah... they can't reallly scold me much as I'm not a student and I'm... sort of old now (and if I become a teacher I should be an equal). But I do must learn responsibility better. And to have authority. I talked to quite a number of students today but I was talking to them like how I would talk to my friends, lol.

Back at ISB... well Mrs. C wasn't around so I was suddenly vulnerable when I was left there. But Mai, Freda and Ms. Wong were ever so kind to me. So that was nice. Hehe. On our way back from ISB, Mr. Green told me that it was illegal for disabled students in Brunei to walk around in the public (so that's why we don't see them often) without certain permission. I didn't know this, and I was really shocked. Can you imagine a parent being told it is illegal for your child to go outside? What kind of law is this? It was good to watch the year 8's try hard to work with the students of Pusat Bahagia. Although a number of them were constantly complaining about how bored they were, that irritated me to bits. Should be happy to get out of class, I would be more bored sitting about doing calculus all day. I should be more bored then they are, I just wandered around literally doing nothing for most of the time. Although I have a 7 year head start in terms of age to develop something known as patience so can't blame em' I guess.

Pure Exhaustion

Haha, today was an extremely tiring day at ISB. Okay, about my volunteer time at ISB. How that started was that umm... I needed some much needed distraction. As a way to get me to be as normal as possible again. So that I'm busy enough so that I can stay sane relatively until I get back to Aus. I think the idea of volunteering at ISB part was from Manju. So on the 5th of Jan I think I recall walking up to the front office, and asking whether I can get work there. She took my name and number and they only really took me in cause I was an ex-student. Freda (The Secondary Principal - Mr. Canterford's secretary) phoned me later in the afternoon letting me know that Mrs. Canterford (henceforth will be known as Debbie) would took me in.

So two days later, I went in for an 'informal' interview. They were already gonna let me in but Debbie wanted to know what I wanted and stuff. And I didn't really want anything. Kind of weird making demands when you were the one who suddenly barged in. She had another assistant already, an ex-IB student on GAP year - Nicky (who the IB peeps from my year level should know, she's just one year below). But yeah... since BGIC is next month she'll be working on that and I'll be working in Debbie's extremely busy office (I guess this is what happens when you are the school counsellor, English, Geography and PSE teacher, CAS Coordinator and whatever various other little projects at the same time. Her room has visitors every 15 minutes.

I generally make posters, cut things, clean things up, organise things, pass around messages, make phone calls, book rooms, and do so many little odd jobs I can't even remember anymore. On an average day I do around 10 differents tasks in a timespan of 7:15 AM - around 2:00 PM-ish. I wasn't too happy there at first, all the teachers are different so I was a bit lonely. Don't have friends at ISB either (I dunno the IB people cause like... I wasn't the one who knew our juniors and yeah... I left ISB 4 years ago anyway). So far I've talked to a number of em' though. Ms. Hancox was still around and she reconigsed me instantly, I suspect that she might be why I got in from her comments (said something like "I told em' I knew you" and that "If this is the Celine I'm thinking of she is a responsible, hard-working.. [insert compliment here]". Ms. Wong reconigsed me after a few days (this was funny, I just bumped into her, sad "Hi" shyly and walked off to the staff room kitchen and she did the same... but ran back to me and was like "Are you Celine?? Celine Hong???". She gave me a hug, said I looked impressive now (all grown up and pretty~). Haha, I knew Ms. Wong since I was 9 or 10 so... being 20 now is pretty funny. Ms. Wong is the same as ever (young and beautiful *__*).

Besides that... umm.. Debbie got me to meet a lot of the English teachers. So I generally help out Mr. Grieves once in a while, and I head over to primary two times a week to sit around in Mr. Barett's year 6 class. And yeah I do odd jobs for everyone else. Mr. Grieves is an aussie from Williamstown, so it was funny when he was bringing in aussie slang to English class (he said maccas!! XD). It has been raining in Brunei lately, on a daily basis (since my bday actually) so it's a bit... meh. The gloom and all. And my shoes are getting dirty since I have to walk around so much. I should mention that I've so far barged into dozens of classes passing messages and things. Even if people have no clue who I am they can recongise my face, lol. I dislike barging in though, cause everyone stops moving and stares at you. T.T And I'm just like... "uhhh... yeah.. umm... uhh what was I doing here for again.. oh right!"

Tomorrow is a year 8 field trip to Pusat Bahagia, an arts and crafts school for disabled children. The kids are painting a mural on one of the building walls, cleaning the school up, helping the kids make the crafts and interacting with them. At this school, the crafts made are sold to help raise funds. Apparently ISB wants to take some of these crafts and sell them to donate to the school (although we currently have a lot of fundraisers happening, I would know cause I seem to make posters for all of them - at the top of my head... bake sale to raise funds for a poor Viet toddler who lost a limb to a dog, donations are for his reconstruction surgery, collecting pencil donations for Malaysia flood victims through the organisation: Mercy Malaysia... and it goes on). Funny enough, Mr. Barett's year 6 class is heading to Gadong tomorrow (there doing some colouring worksheet where they count the number of stuff like certain stores, public facilties, bus stops, loading zones and what not). He asked me to come but yeah... one or the other, I think it's more worthwhile for me to check out Pusat Bahagia as I've not been there.

At home... I uhh... go online, do absolutely nothing and continue being bored. The past week I've gone on a reading streak, I've spent ages making this book list (complete with pictures), currently still calculating how many novels I've read so far (it would near about 80). I want to buy so many books now to check it out, it isn't funny. And most of the stuff I want are chick-lits! I seem to be going back into wanting to hear mushy love stories about the most sweetest guys and a women's dodgy and difficult love life where she finally finds the perfect guy in the end (and they live happily after - although we always know that things are never happily ever after - but it's good to hope). Currently reading...


Haha, yeah, Sophie Kinsella lololol. Well, it's an easy read so I wanted it. A bit refreshing after a semester of Dickens and Bronte. Tony Parsons newest book was an impulse buy. I never read his ever so famous "Man and Boy" but yeah, it's pretty interesting. About an English man who's family moves to Shanghai to find a better life. Then he realises what a place China is, especially their "second wife" system, you know... with all those 40 year old secretly having mistresses or a 'permanent girlfriend' as they call with young and beautiful women. I know about this all too well (haha my greatest fear maybe? Marriage is happily ever after until you get old and ugly and someone wants something more new and exciting).

Sophie Kinsella is Sophie Kinsella. Shameless and materialistic, but hilarious. There should be a movie coming out soon for Confessions of a Shopaholic. Am trying to finish both books by the end of the week. Then hopefully I'll continue and finish off Jonathan Stroud's "The Golem's Eye" and maybe either start on the second book of Twilight or Cathy Ahern's "Thanks for the Memories".

Back to Blogging?

"A part of me is always still really scared. I can't ever seem to catch up to anyone else. I always said I needed to change. But it isn't happening... I don't want to be left behind. The greatest fear of it all."

Okay, one part of me said that I'll go back to my... not so frequent blogging. As much as I would like to blog about what happened in this one year, too much has happened I won't be able to. I would like to one day though just to ... record down everything that has happened. Since well, feelings good, feelings bad they were what I thought, felt and experienced, and I'm the sort of person who wants to hold on to my memories, no matter how good or bad they were. Maybe I'll do a post another time when I can be bothered (which is probably not gonna happen). I should try to record everything down this year at least. 2008 was a year with a lot of change. For me anyway. The whole MCAC presidency thing. My grades sucking completely. I had a great time in Gold Coast with Stanny and Xin. Had probably the best MCAC event to date (our camp). Took part in the Mokuani Dantai which probably killed my grades but was definitely worth it. Met Damian... uhh... yeah and it goes on and on. I lost a lot of weight ~ which is so nice. Nearing 25 pounds now since the beginning of 2008. LOL. Not exactly the healthiest way though (and no, I wasn't starving myself, not my fault I was just never in the condition to eat). I don't really want to be fat forever. Now if only I could lose about 10 more and I would be satified. But I'm already eating an amount of food that is not very healthy. Anyway a lot of bad things happened too (towards the end of semester 2 I should say). When the world decided to start falling down. But all I can say is that I still love my house, my family and my friends. And it isn't gonna happen but I sometimes wish that moment of just laughing and having fun without worries at the dinner table could last forever.

Okay, let's start off with January 10, then. My bday. I didn't want to spend this day alone, or miserable. And I needed to get my mind off a lot of things. So a few days before I messaged Liz on MSN and phoned up Manju asking whether they would want to head out. As always, they are both incredibly busy people. But Liz cancelled her plans, Manju cancelled her dance practices and made sure the morning and afternoon were free at least. So yeah, I was happy for that. Uhh... night of the 9th. I was tired... since I had been working (oh yeah, I volunteered to work at ISB for the time being - it was a suggestion from Manju I think, but Mag said I should get my mind off things since I wasn't... very well, mentally, so yeah I am getting my mind off things!). Anyway, I fell asleep before midnight, lol. Woke up at midnight with a SMS from Amanda and Akmal. Which was a nice surprise. And Damian phoned too. =D

Woke up in the morning. Uhh... parents drove me to The Mall. It was raining really heavily. On the way, me and Rainy were exchanging text messages. She sent me a gift through Amanda during my KL Holiday but I opened it up thinking it was for Christmas. It was a clear photoframe that sits into a bunch of coloured cubes spelling my name. It's really cute, I'll bring it back to Aus and put a photo of the housemates there or something. :D So yay, I got there... uhh Manju and Liz were just standing there looking all hyper and happy. XD Lots of hugs and Manju and Liz going O.O cause I had a different haircut and they said I looked great. So I was like... nyaaa~ =D =D =D I saw them in December but from during Jan up to my birthday I ate absolutely nothing for more reasons then one so I guess weight dropped (by this time I have gained much of it back since I eat now, lol).

They asked me where to go for lunch. I was like.... "Hmmm... dunno, try Cheezbox?" and Liz forced me to go to Swensons. Uhh... okay. Found out later why, lol. So yeah, we ordered lunch, camwhored as usual~ haha lunch was good. Ordered a bunch of food. It was like refereshing for me just because I hadn't eaten so much... for quite a while. What did we have again... uhh, I ate Salmon baked rice, Liz and Manju shared Fish and Chips, Corn chips and chicken caesar salad (okay, I ate part of their food too, lol). Then I was wondering why Manju looked reluctant to eat anymore. Haha, I found out a bit later. A little surprise they had for me. Mmm... candles, brownie cake and ice cream. First surprise they ever did for me (first surprise anyone in Brunei ever did for me) and for the Melb people, lol I knew these two lovelies for like... 12 years (yes, I met them when I was 8). So I wasn't in tears but really touched. How I love them both so much (and you too Mag~ if only you were still in Brunei...). They both gave me little prezzies also which was nice and yeah paid for all the food we ate in Swensons <3 Anyway, after that we were shopping, looking at clothes, shoes and DVDs. Then we went to Utama Bowling (parents picked us up) and like... Liz doens't know how to bowl. And I suck at bowling. I gutter balled EVERY SINGLE BALL! I had like a score of 12. LOL. Even Liz got higher. And out of score one of the 9 pins was a shot I took. Manju was good but she said that she did nothing but bowl in Melbourne, lol.

Then we went to check out Soon Lee which looks like it is about to close down. Then over to Liz's shop (Knic Knacks) - one of Brunei's biggest gift stores. Then we went back to Jollibee since it was about time to go back (well parents were coming at 4:30 - since Liz had Church meetings and Manju had dance practice I think). Drank random things there, haha. Hmm. I went home... went to eat more cake with the family. Bro and his gf gave me their gifts to me. I got a total of uhh... oil burner from Manj, one of those pretty ladylike jewellery stands from Liz, USB drive from bro (I lost my old one so he got me another one lol), and those self-adhesive photo albums from my bro's gf. Oh and my parents threw a new umbrella at me to bring back to Melb and they were like "It's a gift!" :D :D LOL. Tehnically they gave me an ang pow in the morning though (which is what they always do - presents are not their thing). Cake was good but I wasn't really very hungry. Then at night we went to Capers for pasta buffet but I really wasn't hungry so it sort of wasted on me.

Uhh... went home at night and just sat around online. I was really happy with all the Facebook messages. *__* Noticed most of the messages were from Melbourne people, haha I guess the 'friends' I made in College and High School didn't amount to much (cept for the few ya know... Manj, Liz, Mag, Mir, Din, Serena, Zati...). It's life... it's life. I tell myself. Sometimes I wish the past didn't happen though. ^^ I really wanna be more positive and confident. I really do but...

I'm still really afraid now. When I realise that I NEED other people around me but no one really needs me. Of course, no one needs me. Everyone else has someone else already anyway. Whether it be someone from their past, or someone in their present. Why would they need me? No one is gonna feel lonely cause I'm not around. As always, I'm like second best to everyone. Am just too scared now... this thought. I really don't want to think this anymore.

And now I'm back to emo-ness in the posting. I said I wasn't gonna type this. T.T I hate every morning, I hate every night, I hate eating food, I just hate everything right now. Part of me doens't want to wake up from sleep. Or from my dreams. Everyone always says that only the weak don't face reality but... it's so easy to say that.

I'm even afraid to go back to Aus now. I don't know what I'm gonna do or how I'm gonna be like. I'm gonna meet new people right? Make new friends... but... in the end Aus is like a dream too. For once in my life I got to feel what it is like to have a nice big group of friends. All friendly and warm to each other. But it's only temporary. Once everyone finishes they go back to their previous lives just like in the holidays. They don't need me, they have plenty back at home. Do I really want to return to this dream? It'll only hurt me more when I realise that once I finish uni I'll come back to Brunei... and live what I am living right now. I'll be alone. I can't even live with my family anymore.

I'm scared. And all I can do is cry everyday by myself in my room. You can tell me I am weak but I don't see a future right now. Can you see one for yourself? I don't even have the will to come onto MSN these days. I said I was taking a 'break' but... it's just the part of me that is afraid of everyone now. I mean most people don't talk to me on MSN anyway... unless I bother them to oblivion. Of course they don't need to, they have so many others to talk to why should anyone want to talk to me. I'm like nothing. I always said I needed to change. People told me I needed to change. I was really happy Mag when you said that... I was fine staying who I was... cause that made me, me. Even though who I am is practically nothing and someone I hate more then anything.

Now I don't even know what I'm saying.