And I'm crying again. Once again. Seriously... can I just fall asleep and not wake up? I don't want to think anymore. I don't want to hate myself anymore. I don't want to think I'm not good enough for anyone anymore. I don't want to think I'm below anyone else anymore. I don't want to be looked down upon anymore. I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not anymore. I'm tired. Really. Of everything. Of this world, of the different types of people in this world, of everything that happens because people are so different.

In the end I'm just a fool who is always and always has been envious of everyone else. Everyone else who lives in a different way, confident of themselves, liked by themselves, liked by everyone else. Like I always knew, I'm someone who has hated myself for as long as I can remember - and because of that I've never gotten anywhere. I've regretted my life more then you can imagine (and I'm only 20) and it's just mortifying to think I can't turn back time. I don't want to die regretting the life I lead but I think in the end I'll end up that way too. And that thought is something I just can't take sometimes. People told me that I can change. So I tried to change. But I didn't change. I was 'pretending'. I don't think I can pretend anymore. I haven't changed a single bit.

I hate it. I hate it all. I hate it all. I hate it so much. Why does time even have to move at all... all I hear every single day from various people is how stupid I am. How useless I am. How I can't do anything. I can't even hear anything good anymore. And it's all true. I'm the most useless pathetic person I know... I can't think of one redeeming feature, and I'm never good enough for anybody. I'm always the second-best, the sub-par, the second choice, the whatever. Someone you'll get tired of eventually, someone who isn't worth your time. If you're smart, you should be like everyone else and throw me away as fast as you can. You'll be happier with someone else. Everyone else always was when they did that. I'm not someone worth keeping... I'm not someone worth your time...

I'm sorry to my friends. But I needed to get that out. It's why this blog exists. If you don't want to see this part of Celine, then please don't read this anymore. Just look at the facade I always try to put up... that is, if I even have the strength to put it up anymore.

I just want to sleep for a very long time now... and not wake up. I can't eat anymore, I can't seem to sleep properly... I don't want to sit around and stare at a wall all day. I feel like I'm gonna slowly go crazy like this...