Chinese New Year Eve

Hah, this is funny. I'm basically spending my CNY eve talking to Lesley, Sam, Tom, Drue and James #2. Yay for me [sarcasm] =.=. Anyway, today... I woke up at like 9 AM after going to sleep at 3 AM. It was rare for me to sleep at 3 AM actually but I was sort of having fun talking to Mag and Akmal I didn't feel like sleeping, haha. Anyway, my mum woke me up via text message (cause she knows out of habit now for some reasons I know you guys can guess I keep my mobile next to me these days- even though there is no longer any point to that...) basically writing that they were going up now so I better get my ass up to join them, lol. So I dragged myself out of bed and went out for umm... errands and then lunch.

I was really dizzy for some reason, and I sort of felt I was gonna like... faint walking down the street, lol. I think the whole... not eating thing is sort of affecting my everyday health now XD But yeah, I ate a lot today to make up for it. *nods* Well... for lunch anyway. I barely ate anything for dinner actually if I think about it... Hmm. Yeah, after lunch I came home... and... slept for hours, lol cause I was tired. And there was nothing to do. I got up and uhh.. emotion wise I was in a weird mood. But yeah... for some reason I felt the need to get to the phone and talk to someone. Anyone. But I can't think of who to call. Or more like I can't think of who I can call, who wouldn't shove the phone down on me in annoyance - or at least want to hear me out. To just understand me. Or to not make me feel even more worthless as a person. Don't blame me I'm really wary and afraid of ... some people these days. So yeah... I phoned Manju and luckily it was like the rare day where she wasn't having dance practice in the afternoon. So we managed to chat and gossip for like an hour. Hehe. She really lifted my moods (thanks manj if ur reading this <3). She always knows what to say to me, hehe. Maybe cause she's just too kind or maybe just because after 12 years I'm too familiar with her already. Anyway, after that we went out to uhh.. buy firecrackers and to pick up food for tomororw. The place we were at... I didn't know it belonged to my mum's cousin or something. O.o

Then got home... and went out again since it was nearing 6:30 PM and we had to like pick up food for tonight for Grandmother's house. Uhh... yeah, I got there and no one and I mean literally no one except my Grandma was there. Me (and Mum and Dad): T.T lol well it figures >.> Basically this is my mum's side of the family (I dunno anyone in my dad's family and I never will - long story behind that one) but yeah... over a decade people slowly decided not to meet up anymore so CNY is pitiful with just a few of us. So it wasn't really much... and there was even less people this year then last year so uhh... me and my bro just sat in front of the TV the entire time watching Rush Hour, lol.

I was looking for something to drink but when I opened the fridge there was nothing in there except for beer. Me: .... T.T .... *walks over to bro* "Ko, there's nothing to drink except for bro :(" ... my bro: .................... hmph (he sort of stiffled a laugh bro had this WTF this is a waste of time face the entire time >.>) Umm... yeah there wasn't really anyone for me to talk to - it's just me, bro and 3 [male] cousins who are like... young and stuff but yeah they don't talk very much and my bro isn't a very friendly person when his gf isn't around (if ya ask me hahaha). I am very sad I'm the youngest female in my generation of the family... I wonder what it is like to have a female cousin that is near to your age *__* I'm so jealous of the people who have them... she could be like a friend *__*... so niceee.... yeah my cousins are like 30...or more. And I don't really know them ... see them like once every 4 years, lol.

Anyway, after like 2 hours we left (oh yay my CNY~ two hour dinner in silence. T.T) went home and yeah... I just sat around on the comp since my bro after that spent the entire time on the phone with his gf (seriously, they see each other every single hour of the day and is apart for like 2 hours and still manage to be able to talk on the phone for 2 hours lol). Mum and dad were watching football and didn't talk very much. >.> On the way home from Grandma's house I saw a lot of houses with people sitting around a table, eating, steam boat, playing mahjong and stuff. Makes me jealous... a bad emotion I know. That I shouldn't have... but... I can't help it. =.= I just wonder what it's like to have a family like that sometimes.....

Okay, times like this I must heed Samuel's words. Look at what you do have, Celine, not what ya don't. *nods* Yeah... I need to really imprint that into my heart. ^^;; Must~ must~ a lot of people have it a million times worse. I need to remember and understand that. Hmm, first day tomorrow won't be anything for me. I don't have family or friends to visit. Oh well, it's life. It's life. It's okay. It's okay.... meh, I need to find someone or something to distract myself with. I'm so sad no one is really online (but I can't really ask anymore of people can I... haha everyone should have fun tonight *nods* I was thinking of stopping to talk to anyone cause I have a feeling I'm just ruining everyone's mood these days - if I need to cry I should go cry alone XD shouldn't drag anyone else with me... yeah.. I really shouldn't... I'm such an idiot)

.... I so hate myself, I need to have one day where I'm not crying. Seriously. This is so fucking retarded I'm so tired of this already. Shit, I'm so tired of being like this already. Feel sick every single minute of the day, I don't even know what the hell is wrong and I don't think there is anything wrong. I'm just being an idiot right now these past few weeks. A stupid idiot. Stupid idiot who can't just appreciate being alive as a blessing. I'm basically destroying myself on my own for no good reason. >.<