Dreams that you never wanted to see...

This is the part of me that sort of hates how my so-called 'happiness' tends to fluctuate intensely. It's too volatile, which is why I like to describe myself as 'unstable'. Until I can stop it with the mood swings I'll never call myself as normal as everyone else. I woke up fairly anxious today, why's that? Dreams. I am now cursing my dreams, because the dreams are showing me what my mind has been trying to avoid. And I don't want to see it. I do not want to see people I've been avoiding to think, denying myself to think - appearing in my dreams. It felt so real I could slowly feel the part of me that I was trying to keep normal slowly fall away. I woke up and immediately went to bury myself under my blankets, under my pillows; shaking in fear and longing...

I got up an hour or so later, to get ready for school. Liz was there but I spoke to her very briefly as I had to go my way, and she with her's. From what I know, she spent most of her time in the library with Nic. She asked me where room 27 was when I got to uni, then I sent her in the wrong direction and only remembered that room 27 is in the primary school area... not secondary. Whoops. I'm sorry Liz even though you already did text me after saying you'll kill me for that. Today wasn't as busy although for some reason I was tired. I did random things like chase around year 13 students who did not hand in their CAS diaries after days (I still remember that - barged into three classes and was like "Your diaries. Where are your diaries?!"). Cleaned things up a bit, stapled things up onto the IB board and what not.

Uhh... what else. Mrs. C commented that I look nice today. O.O I was wearing black and white pretty much, I like that outfit cause it like... makes you look thinner. Although when I told mum this she was like "Pffft. More like you barely have anything left to say you're fat about". I dunno, I still see fat everywhere if I look into the mirror. Although I must keep in mind I don't wanna be one of those bony women, lol.

Besides that, not much else. I sort of can't remember. Left school at lunch, went to eat lunch... no noodles in the kopitiam (me: O.O WTF NO NOODLES HOW CAN THERE NOT BE KOLO MEE??)... uhh.. got home. I took another nap. Oh what a mistake. Bad dream there. Bad dream there. CRAP, that destroyed my mood for the afternoon I found myself crying again. *hits head* What was the dream? It was like... what I would call... my emotions in living breathing colour playing out in my mind! It felt so real I could feel the fear and my heart beauting.

I got home. It was dark. It was empty. No matter where I went it was empty. Even the outside was empty. Everywhere was empty. Just me, just only me. It flashed to an msn screen. Not a single person was online. I was just alone and I just stared out into the space - alone. I woke up after that, heart pumping heavily. Then you have the usual set of drama that I come with. I start thinking of bad things. Thinking of the wrong things. I went really sad and what not. Thanks to Xin, Raine and Akmal for worrying about me... and calming me down. =.= I seriously put you guys to shame... it was just a dream. Baka Celine. >.<

Rest of the night was a blur. Dinner was popiah ~ it was good. Mum spent the entire day doing it. @.@ I was not in the best of moods but I was alright I guess. It's gonna be February soon. I said I wanted to get over things by Feb. Doesn't seem like it is happening. At least... this horrific January 2009, I hope the month burns in history and never crosses my mind ever again. In Feb... I need to clean up, start to worry about MCAC and get my act together. Whatever the hell emotions I might be feeling, still need to do my responsibility and I'll keep to the word I said at last year's AGM. No matter what shit happen's I'll do everything I still need to do for the club until my term of office is over. Yeah... I will...