I think I woke up around 4:30 AM, lol. I dunno, I had a presentation at 9 AM where me and my group mates were gonna do a 45 minute presentation on disability and gifted students. I still had parts of it to finish which I ddin't do the night before. Anyway, I went to uni by 8:30 AM and we were ready to go but the presentation itself was rather disastrous. It wasn't good. Everyone was bored as hell and we could all tell our tutor didn't like the presentation. It's worth 25% so yeah... we are sort of screwed. T.T
Anyway, I went to the last lecture for EDF3006. Had lunch which was.. uhh.. what was lunch again. *thinks* I think it was random food I brought from home. Oh, one of Izzati's brownies was in my lunchbox. Hehe. Those are so good. Then had my tutorial as usual. The highlight of the day? Uhh... as me, Rachel, Alan, Jeremy + Tom, Sam and co. destroyed Leon's Facebook status basically. What happened was that Jeremy posted up some random status about cute girls using Leon's Facebook status. That's all fine, until everyone starts commenting on it. And believing it. Then everything went haywire as we began to spam his comments. During this time, I think Leon was in the library cause he messaged me while appearing offline on MSN to stop spamming him, lol. Apparently his FB email notifications are on. So every message = an email. In the end, his status had over 200 comments. It was pure bullying, I'd have to say. But we all rather cruelly had a hilarious time doing it.
While this occured, we were all chatting on MSN with Shiki. Our resident 'cute' member of the club. It was funny just cause we were all on MSN while being in the same room. I was next to Alan, Rachel was like 3 metres away from me, K-man was on the floor near the door and Jeremy and co. were at the tables (the rest of us was on the ground at the far end of the room). When funny shit happened, one group starts laughing, then me and Alan start laughing. Then Rachel starts laughing and from other people's point of view it looks hilarious. Leon was sitting at the table (having given up on studying cause of our Facebook spamming) unable to see the screen so I think he thought we were all crazy so we all just bursted out laughing at random intervals (but we communicated on MSN rather then through speech). So basically our con consisted of the people mentioned, Shiki and Chris. When Shiki left, Jeremy was like "FUCKING SLUT!" and Chris was like "I'm telling her that..." and then he said "I was talking about Celine!!!". LOL, we all laughed IRL when that happened on MSN. It's funny shit.
After this MSN session, the Leon spamming continued but I think we started to get guilty. So some of us stopped. Poor guy. Too much bullying. He wasn't even in the area anymore, lol. Anyway, I went home in the evening... uhh, had a nice and yummy dinner. Which I can't remember what. Oh yeah! Stanny came over rather randomly! I was really surprised. He has not eaten dinner at our house all semester. Cause I was sort of lazing around in my room, and he was at my door. And gave me a really tight hug. I think he thought I was moping (I wasn't really... sort of, I dunno, I was just sort of indifferent - although I wasn't moving or sleeping truth be told). The evening was meh. I can't remember what I did at all. Heh.
Friday, 29 May 2009
Monday, 25 May 2009
Randomness, maccas and the usual...
Good ol' Monday. This is a late entry so I sort of can't remember what went on. I think I went to Dantai practice in the afternoon. We were practicing for Yi Xin's birthday! Luckily she didn't come. I ran around getting everyone to sign her book too. Messaged like a million people or so to coordinate her birthday! We went to Maccas earlier cause Rachel couldn't come so we didn't wait for her. Uhh... Maccas was hot fudge sundae for me! And Yi Xin came to Maccas Monday for once! They had some board game promotion but it was kind of shitty. And Happy Meals had this really bizarre girly tamagotchi game. But it so ultimate phail I think Andrew and Leon tried to figure out how to use it but it didn't work.
At Maccas this week, sat with Leon, Andrew, Brad, Jeremy, K-man, Vince and co. I think we were playing some spin the bottle sort of game, but it was sort of phail. We tried truth and dare but everyone kept spinning it again if it WAS them. I forgot what kind of truths or dares we had. But everything was sort of phail regardless. All I remember was a question to Brad... "Who is more attractive? Jeremy or Leon?" and his answer straight away was "Leon, of course!" LOL. What else, uhh... we tried to like... force Brad to get a Facebook. Apparently he made and deactivated two accounts. He tried to get Face Bad, it didn't work then got Facebad IsBad or something like that.
Went home. Uhh.. I forgot what happened in the evening. Not much I thinks. I was in considerably good moods until near to midnight. To be honest. Where I can't remember why but my mood really dropped. Bah, gotta stop with the mood swings. I should be a happy and pleasant person by nature. When it struck 12 AM we all went to Yi Xin's room for her birthday. But that shall be the tomorrow's entry, lol.
@ Mr. Anonymous: You suck. LOL.
At Maccas this week, sat with Leon, Andrew, Brad, Jeremy, K-man, Vince and co. I think we were playing some spin the bottle sort of game, but it was sort of phail. We tried truth and dare but everyone kept spinning it again if it WAS them. I forgot what kind of truths or dares we had. But everything was sort of phail regardless. All I remember was a question to Brad... "Who is more attractive? Jeremy or Leon?" and his answer straight away was "Leon, of course!" LOL. What else, uhh... we tried to like... force Brad to get a Facebook. Apparently he made and deactivated two accounts. He tried to get Face Bad, it didn't work then got Facebad IsBad or something like that.
Went home. Uhh.. I forgot what happened in the evening. Not much I thinks. I was in considerably good moods until near to midnight. To be honest. Where I can't remember why but my mood really dropped. Bah, gotta stop with the mood swings. I should be a happy and pleasant person by nature. When it struck 12 AM we all went to Yi Xin's room for her birthday. But that shall be the tomorrow's entry, lol.
@ Mr. Anonymous: You suck. LOL.
Sunday, 24 May 2009
Laserwars and baking...
This post is a bit on the late side. But let's talk about what happened at Laserwars! We got to Sidetracked and hobbled in. Sam and Leon went to pick up the peeps at Huntingdale Station! So me, and Jarrad (who suddenly came) and K-man and Jimmy just sat around a bit. More and more people started tumbling in. At first I was like... uhh.. am I the only girl. T.T No way... but in the end there was Steph (who managed to sneak out of her place), Sammi and Stanny's friend, Steph. There were around 23 of us, this meant that we could play a game continously if we wanted to since there was so little of us!
The night ran for around 5 hours by the time we started. Maybe a bit over that. Stuff that happened. Well, I played DDR twice (the second time Ly payed for my 3 games). We learned that Sam H. is a DDR master. Holy crap he's epic. We had lots of energy drinks, coke, gummy candies and chocolate over the night! But I was surprised that we were generally not tired. Well, I didn't feel too tired. Even when it was 6 AM. It was a stark constrast to last year where I felt like laserwars just DRAGGGGED on and on and on. And I was waiting for it to be over. This year I actually played almost ever game we had minus 2 or 3 I think that I decided to drop out on towards the end when I did get exhausted to some extent. Perhaps it was a good idea to sleep for a bit in the afternoon.
The actual laserwars! The first game was a team game I think. Two teams, it was a good little warm up. The high scorers in our group was definitely Jimmy (who pretty much was first at all times), Leon, Steve, Khanat, Evan, Stanny, Jarrad and etc. There was a game where it was like 5 of them versus the rest of us. They still won in the end in terms of points, lol. Other games we had, individual matches, shadow game (which phailed), flag game and tag games. I disliked individual matches cause then, I just got shot from everywhere and couldn't do anything. The shadow game was phail just cause I don't really like using missiles (the shots where you like... have to lock on to someone for 3 seconds or something). The flag game was phail at first. We had to capture the enemy team's flag. But the first time none of us could get it!
I generally defended the base most often. There was one game I think it was an individual one where I was a camper but now I realise how annoying campers were. There was also an individual game where I was a camper killer and ran around trying to take out the campers. The tag game was the most hilarious. It's where two people are IT (or more) and everyone only shoots them when they are IT. Their suits are lighted up. So like... you had dumb shit like me becoming IT pretty early on when we were trying to figure out the game, and it was pretty much like...
Me: ... *looks at herself all bright* Oh..... shit.....
Everyone: CELINE'S IT! GET HEEERRRR!!
Me: NOOOOOOOOOO~ KYAAAAAA~ WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!
I know some people were laughing their heads off as I literally ran around the base crying and screaming my head off cause I didn't know how to 'un-it' myself and I had a horde of people chasing me. It is frightening!! Tom and Jeremy also ran around screaming, with Jeremy running down the ramp flailing his arms which was HILARIOUS! Some games, my only goal was to take Jimmy down since he always shot me a lot (often out of revenge). LOL.
Towards 5 AM, I still played games but I was really tired. I didn't even bother running during tag. LOL. Yeah, we took a group photo and cleared out by 6 AM! Uhh... James drove me, Evan, Juan and I forgot who else down to uni. He dropped the 3 guys in uni and personally drove me home. Hehe. Thanks Jimmy. It was good cause I wouldn't have been able to walk back. Too tired. I was tempted to go to Maccas with Brad and Leon after Laserwars, but I am glad I didn't cause they WALKED from Huntingdale to Clayton. OMG. I would have died.
The actual day. When I got home, I didn't even sleep. LOL, I was online until like 9 AM, where I slept until 12:30 AM. Then I got up. And then I basically spent 5 hours baking cookies for Yi Xin's surprise party on Tuesday. I made double chocolate chip cookies, shortbread cookies (which were overcooked and became butter cookies instead) and I was trying to make honey oats cookies but they were so soft I scrunched them into balls with suggestions by Jia Chee. Luckily Yi Xin wasn't home for the day so I could make them! I was worried they would be stale by Tuesday though.
Dinner was just instant foods and whatever everyone wanted to eat. I really should have done work but yeah... my day was just good ol' baking, lol.
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."
The night ran for around 5 hours by the time we started. Maybe a bit over that. Stuff that happened. Well, I played DDR twice (the second time Ly payed for my 3 games). We learned that Sam H. is a DDR master. Holy crap he's epic. We had lots of energy drinks, coke, gummy candies and chocolate over the night! But I was surprised that we were generally not tired. Well, I didn't feel too tired. Even when it was 6 AM. It was a stark constrast to last year where I felt like laserwars just DRAGGGGED on and on and on. And I was waiting for it to be over. This year I actually played almost ever game we had minus 2 or 3 I think that I decided to drop out on towards the end when I did get exhausted to some extent. Perhaps it was a good idea to sleep for a bit in the afternoon.
The actual laserwars! The first game was a team game I think. Two teams, it was a good little warm up. The high scorers in our group was definitely Jimmy (who pretty much was first at all times), Leon, Steve, Khanat, Evan, Stanny, Jarrad and etc. There was a game where it was like 5 of them versus the rest of us. They still won in the end in terms of points, lol. Other games we had, individual matches, shadow game (which phailed), flag game and tag games. I disliked individual matches cause then, I just got shot from everywhere and couldn't do anything. The shadow game was phail just cause I don't really like using missiles (the shots where you like... have to lock on to someone for 3 seconds or something). The flag game was phail at first. We had to capture the enemy team's flag. But the first time none of us could get it!
I generally defended the base most often. There was one game I think it was an individual one where I was a camper but now I realise how annoying campers were. There was also an individual game where I was a camper killer and ran around trying to take out the campers. The tag game was the most hilarious. It's where two people are IT (or more) and everyone only shoots them when they are IT. Their suits are lighted up. So like... you had dumb shit like me becoming IT pretty early on when we were trying to figure out the game, and it was pretty much like...
Me: ... *looks at herself all bright* Oh..... shit.....
Everyone: CELINE'S IT! GET HEEERRRR!!
Me: NOOOOOOOOOO~ KYAAAAAA~ WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!
I know some people were laughing their heads off as I literally ran around the base crying and screaming my head off cause I didn't know how to 'un-it' myself and I had a horde of people chasing me. It is frightening!! Tom and Jeremy also ran around screaming, with Jeremy running down the ramp flailing his arms which was HILARIOUS! Some games, my only goal was to take Jimmy down since he always shot me a lot (often out of revenge). LOL.
Towards 5 AM, I still played games but I was really tired. I didn't even bother running during tag. LOL. Yeah, we took a group photo and cleared out by 6 AM! Uhh... James drove me, Evan, Juan and I forgot who else down to uni. He dropped the 3 guys in uni and personally drove me home. Hehe. Thanks Jimmy. It was good cause I wouldn't have been able to walk back. Too tired. I was tempted to go to Maccas with Brad and Leon after Laserwars, but I am glad I didn't cause they WALKED from Huntingdale to Clayton. OMG. I would have died.
The actual day. When I got home, I didn't even sleep. LOL, I was online until like 9 AM, where I slept until 12:30 AM. Then I got up. And then I basically spent 5 hours baking cookies for Yi Xin's surprise party on Tuesday. I made double chocolate chip cookies, shortbread cookies (which were overcooked and became butter cookies instead) and I was trying to make honey oats cookies but they were so soft I scrunched them into balls with suggestions by Jia Chee. Luckily Yi Xin wasn't home for the day so I could make them! I was worried they would be stale by Tuesday though.
Dinner was just instant foods and whatever everyone wanted to eat. I really should have done work but yeah... my day was just good ol' baking, lol.
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."
Saturday, 23 May 2009
Shop, sleep and pre-laserwars dinner...
I woke up at 7 AM! Bah, so much for my brilliant plan. At 11 AM or so, I went to Clayton by myself to do my weekly shopping. It has been a while since I've done groceries purely by myself, so it was an odd feeling. Especially with my whole 'fear of being alone' phase I seem to be going through right now. But I can safely say that I am slowly getting over it, it didn't really bother me much that I was alone. I just ran about really fast getting what I need. And buying choco horns in BreadTop and eating it. Haha.
Let's see, I went home and basically slept until 5 PM. Or I tried to. It didn't work too well. As I woke up too late today to be sleepy by 2 PM. I think I managed to nap for an hour or so though. Near to 7 PM I went out to the bus loop to meetup with Tom, Sam, Brad, William and Jeremy! We were gonna head to La Porchetta for dinner! It was a nice quiet little dinner. Evan, Cao, K-man were also there. Then we went to Coles where we all brought drinks and snacks. I just got Gatorade for $1, it was supposed to be $1.30 for some Special with William but he didn't want the $0.30, lol. Then we went to K-man's house.
At K-man's house, I got the wonderful couch and sat there for hours. I watched like 2 episodes of Ga Rei Zero with Jeremy, while everyone else watched some movie, and the Simpsons and whatever. I wanted K-man's Miffy bunny doll but like... Tom keeps taking it. Then James and Leon came and James literally took over my couch but rolling his HUGE self onto it that I had no choice but to get off or be squashed under his 100kg+ weight. T.T So K-man gave me a beanbag instead and in the end I managed to grab hold of Miffy! The couch was funny just cause I refused to get off for so long that people had to pass me chips and get me a cup from the kitchen cause I couldn't get up myself, lol.
Then we went to Huntingdale! Uhh... James drove Leon, me, Sam and K-man to the venue so we didn't have to train over! Yay! And yeah, what happened at the venue is an entry for the next day I suppose, lol.
Let's see, I went home and basically slept until 5 PM. Or I tried to. It didn't work too well. As I woke up too late today to be sleepy by 2 PM. I think I managed to nap for an hour or so though. Near to 7 PM I went out to the bus loop to meetup with Tom, Sam, Brad, William and Jeremy! We were gonna head to La Porchetta for dinner! It was a nice quiet little dinner. Evan, Cao, K-man were also there. Then we went to Coles where we all brought drinks and snacks. I just got Gatorade for $1, it was supposed to be $1.30 for some Special with William but he didn't want the $0.30, lol. Then we went to K-man's house.
At K-man's house, I got the wonderful couch and sat there for hours. I watched like 2 episodes of Ga Rei Zero with Jeremy, while everyone else watched some movie, and the Simpsons and whatever. I wanted K-man's Miffy bunny doll but like... Tom keeps taking it. Then James and Leon came and James literally took over my couch but rolling his HUGE self onto it that I had no choice but to get off or be squashed under his 100kg+ weight. T.T So K-man gave me a beanbag instead and in the end I managed to grab hold of Miffy! The couch was funny just cause I refused to get off for so long that people had to pass me chips and get me a cup from the kitchen cause I couldn't get up myself, lol.
Then we went to Huntingdale! Uhh... James drove Leon, me, Sam and K-man to the venue so we didn't have to train over! Yay! And yeah, what happened at the venue is an entry for the next day I suppose, lol.
Friday, 22 May 2009
Anata no kaeru basho de aritai...
Gah. Today was supposed to be a pleasant day but it crash landed as I had the right buttons pushed. I should be over this already! GAH! Stupid Celine. Baka Celine. Baka baka baka Celine. Dammit, I wish I was like, cold hearted and indifferent in situations like this. I woke up at like 5 AM to do work. Went to Caulfield class as usual at 11 AM. Went to uni. There was barely anyone in uni today. Everyone is either doing work, playing badminton or was at the stage playing RO. I hobbled back and forth between lunch tables and the stage. Uhh... Sebby-kun did a birthday celebration for Jason. Most people dunno Jason but yeah we waited around for him. Even cancelled all our dance practices (Kimmy / Sebby anyway). I'm sure Alan and Lee wouldn't mind considering they were like playing RO the whole time.
I ran about trying to organise dinner for tomorrow before laserwars. I realised I was THE only girl... until I found out Steph is coming *phew*. I dun wanna pew pew pew with 20 guys only. For 6 hours in the middle of the night. There was one time I took Lawrence to C&S to get him refunded (we were looking for Jimmy) and like... I got trapped instead as Jimmy made me sign cheques. LOL, I am still signing cheques. Funny. I don't even remember being MCAC's prez anymore. I was gonna kick Lawrence for leading me there. Then James told him about my ankle. Gah, now he is teasing me about it! Other random cons...
Celine: Whuut... I'm the only girl at Laserwars?? I'm not gonna get raped, am I... T.T
Lawrence: No one is interested, Celine.
Celine: *kicks kicks kicks*
Me and Sebby sat and chatted to Rachel (non-MCAC one) for a bit. Andrew Kim was going berserk today, lol. I know the reason but I will not reveal as it is not my business and I don't find this something to tease or joke about. As I am well aware that the highly gossipy MCAC enjoys teasing and gossiping about people until they realise that people are in a lot of pain over many things. And it does hurt. And I know nothing is ever really a joke if you are serious. And sincere. As I am a huge gossip victim... yeah, I know how it feels also to be thought of as a joke. Ah well, I have my most trusted friends by my side though. Who know what I am really feeling, with that it's enough. With that I can live through everyone else laughing about me. And with that I can live through each day trying to get over everything. I do think it is highly hypocritical though that some people just love laughing at the feelings of others only to be in shock when they find themselves in the same / similar situations.
Jason finally came and we sang Happy Birthday! Hehe. And had cake! Not much else happened. Everyone sort of dispersed at 4 PM. Leon and co. went to KFC in Caulfield, lol. And everyone else just went home. So I went home too! Uhh... at home. Well I chatted to Yi Xin for a bit. Then in my room. Yeah, bad evening. I was okay, then well... someone showed me some photos of something. Photos from last year. And yeah, the tears just fell. I was glad Sha wasn't home otherwise she would of heard me sobbing, lol. And I don't need her to know or hear that. The photos from last year, I was smiling in them. I was laughing in them. And yeah, I just couldn't stop crying as I stared at the photo. Hehe, it was a photo from our BBQ last year of the Mokuani Dantai. We were all laughing in them. As though we were having so much fun. Those care free days, what I would give to the world to just go back to those times once again...
But I do know. If I keep staring at the doors that have already closed, I will miss out at what is in front of me. It's what my MSN PM right now is "Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow." Right now I can't take this away because I need it to remind myself. I read it like every hour sometimes. Not that this year has been that bad. 2008 had been bliss, 2009 would have been good if not for my own feelings. I know the year has passed by really fast for me. So fast I didn't even realise it past by. But, I am really happy with the encounters I had this year too. Really happy I got to meet Alan, Kimmy, Lee, Andrew, Steve, Jeremy, Rachel, Leon and co...
I know some people are still waiting for me to come back. I'm waiting to come back too. Raine brought something up to me today. On MSN. I dunno, it has got me thinking now.
[c=3]Raine-[小雨連綿無情風][/c] - says: ...remember what you said before about mcac being more a crowd of acquaintances than a crowd of friends? =/ that seems to be the truth?
Apparently, I said that line back in 2007. The me of two years ago said that. I wonder how true that is. I think part of it isn't true. I was skeptical in most years. But a year has past. Two years has past. And right now I can safely say that I trust Yi Xin, Rainy, Vu, Khanat, Phe-chan and a few others greatly. And I'm sure next year will be the same. And, I did meet those people in MCAC. Actually, not Raine and Yi Xin, lol. They are my friends from elsewhere who happen to just be in MCAC. But I think maybe it is more then a crowd of acquaintances. Since people have shown me to be more dependable then I ever seem to give them credit for.
In the evening, we celebrated Jono's birthday! I came downstairs as I heard Jono dancing in our kitchen. LOL. Scaring Cas and Thomas! Hahaha. Epic! Epic! Me and Xin joined him! And yeah, it was his birthday today. He was at our house purely to spend his bday with Yi Xin I think, but it was awesome of everyone to come up with a quick celebration. I felt bad not doing anything at all. We had lots of awesome food by Yi Xin, Jia Chee, Sha, Joanne and Mei Xian (nothing from me, lol) and a mud cake!! Hehe. Yum. I think Jono wasn't expecting it! It was a fun little night. Now, I wasn't supposed to sleep tonight as I had a little plan of staying up until the morning, sleeping for a bit, then sleep my way through Saturday afternoon so that I can stay up throughout Laserwars. This plan didn't work. I was dead tired by midnight.
"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."
@ Xin: Haha, perhaps. And yeah, Vu made me get burned down in that building!
I ran about trying to organise dinner for tomorrow before laserwars. I realised I was THE only girl... until I found out Steph is coming *phew*. I dun wanna pew pew pew with 20 guys only. For 6 hours in the middle of the night. There was one time I took Lawrence to C&S to get him refunded (we were looking for Jimmy) and like... I got trapped instead as Jimmy made me sign cheques. LOL, I am still signing cheques. Funny. I don't even remember being MCAC's prez anymore. I was gonna kick Lawrence for leading me there. Then James told him about my ankle. Gah, now he is teasing me about it! Other random cons...
Celine: Whuut... I'm the only girl at Laserwars?? I'm not gonna get raped, am I... T.T
Lawrence: No one is interested, Celine.
Celine: *kicks kicks kicks*
Me and Sebby sat and chatted to Rachel (non-MCAC one) for a bit. Andrew Kim was going berserk today, lol. I know the reason but I will not reveal as it is not my business and I don't find this something to tease or joke about. As I am well aware that the highly gossipy MCAC enjoys teasing and gossiping about people until they realise that people are in a lot of pain over many things. And it does hurt. And I know nothing is ever really a joke if you are serious. And sincere. As I am a huge gossip victim... yeah, I know how it feels also to be thought of as a joke. Ah well, I have my most trusted friends by my side though. Who know what I am really feeling, with that it's enough. With that I can live through everyone else laughing about me. And with that I can live through each day trying to get over everything. I do think it is highly hypocritical though that some people just love laughing at the feelings of others only to be in shock when they find themselves in the same / similar situations.
Jason finally came and we sang Happy Birthday! Hehe. And had cake! Not much else happened. Everyone sort of dispersed at 4 PM. Leon and co. went to KFC in Caulfield, lol. And everyone else just went home. So I went home too! Uhh... at home. Well I chatted to Yi Xin for a bit. Then in my room. Yeah, bad evening. I was okay, then well... someone showed me some photos of something. Photos from last year. And yeah, the tears just fell. I was glad Sha wasn't home otherwise she would of heard me sobbing, lol. And I don't need her to know or hear that. The photos from last year, I was smiling in them. I was laughing in them. And yeah, I just couldn't stop crying as I stared at the photo. Hehe, it was a photo from our BBQ last year of the Mokuani Dantai. We were all laughing in them. As though we were having so much fun. Those care free days, what I would give to the world to just go back to those times once again...
But I do know. If I keep staring at the doors that have already closed, I will miss out at what is in front of me. It's what my MSN PM right now is "Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow." Right now I can't take this away because I need it to remind myself. I read it like every hour sometimes. Not that this year has been that bad. 2008 had been bliss, 2009 would have been good if not for my own feelings. I know the year has passed by really fast for me. So fast I didn't even realise it past by. But, I am really happy with the encounters I had this year too. Really happy I got to meet Alan, Kimmy, Lee, Andrew, Steve, Jeremy, Rachel, Leon and co...
I know some people are still waiting for me to come back. I'm waiting to come back too. Raine brought something up to me today. On MSN. I dunno, it has got me thinking now.
[c=3]Raine-[小雨連綿無情風][/c] - says: ...remember what you said before about mcac being more a crowd of acquaintances than a crowd of friends? =/ that seems to be the truth?
Apparently, I said that line back in 2007. The me of two years ago said that. I wonder how true that is. I think part of it isn't true. I was skeptical in most years. But a year has past. Two years has past. And right now I can safely say that I trust Yi Xin, Rainy, Vu, Khanat, Phe-chan and a few others greatly. And I'm sure next year will be the same. And, I did meet those people in MCAC. Actually, not Raine and Yi Xin, lol. They are my friends from elsewhere who happen to just be in MCAC. But I think maybe it is more then a crowd of acquaintances. Since people have shown me to be more dependable then I ever seem to give them credit for.
In the evening, we celebrated Jono's birthday! I came downstairs as I heard Jono dancing in our kitchen. LOL. Scaring Cas and Thomas! Hahaha. Epic! Epic! Me and Xin joined him! And yeah, it was his birthday today. He was at our house purely to spend his bday with Yi Xin I think, but it was awesome of everyone to come up with a quick celebration. I felt bad not doing anything at all. We had lots of awesome food by Yi Xin, Jia Chee, Sha, Joanne and Mei Xian (nothing from me, lol) and a mud cake!! Hehe. Yum. I think Jono wasn't expecting it! It was a fun little night. Now, I wasn't supposed to sleep tonight as I had a little plan of staying up until the morning, sleeping for a bit, then sleep my way through Saturday afternoon so that I can stay up throughout Laserwars. This plan didn't work. I was dead tired by midnight.
"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."
@ Xin: Haha, perhaps. And yeah, Vu made me get burned down in that building!
Thursday, 21 May 2009
Strikes, movies, dreams...
Another dream. I was at a school or some centre with activities. An educational centre. Me and Yi Xin were taken away to another class with young children or something and they were using a computer or electrical equipment. It overheated and started an electrical fire, I screamed and hit the fire alarm. We evacuated. I ran back into the building to get my stuff left behind in the original room we were in. During this process, I ran into Vu, lol. I dunno what we talked about but we didn't leave the area. The dream also had other parts which I'm too lazy to explain with appearances from Leon, James Lau, Raine and others. It was weird and nothing happened in the end (unless I burnt down in the building I ran back into).
I overslept again. In the morning. *sighs* I dunno why, cause I am going a bit... odd these past few days, my initiative to work hard and concentrate is causing me to struggle again. But I can't do this. Not at this time. When things are most important. I just can't fail another unit. I know that. But I just kept laying, there - staring into the blackness of the room. Wondering... "Just what is wrong?" I may need to answer that.
As today was the NFEU strike or something, my presentation for Education with 5 other group mates was delayed (I suppose). As the tutorial did not run with my tutor on strike and all. So I went to uni at 11 AM just for my lecture. After lecture I met up with Mark for a bit to complete some work we needed to do for the presentation but didn't (I guess we're both the slackers in the group, lol). After that I ran off for actual food and ran into Rachel! Uhh... another Rachel. Not the one I talked about before. Non-MCAC Rachel. Hmm, I need to somehow differentiate. But yeah, I decided to eat lunch with her. Hopefully I can get some sort of weekly lunch thing going on with her just so that we can catch up every week or something (well, she would be with her friends normally but I don't mind hanging with a new group of people).
Then I went to my tutorial. Where I did my usual thing of writing nothing and just mumbling crap about disabled students (which has been a major topic lately). After that, uhh... I went to the Campus Centre cinema foyer as that is where everyone was! Vu looked hilarious in his graduation gear, just cause he wore his Auspost shirt under his gown. It doens't get more phail then that! MCAC provided free Pocky and drinks, so I hobbled to the cinema and pulled Jimmy's hair cause I wanted the Coke Zero and Pocky, haha. Anyway, I didn't watch any anime, I just spent the time in the foyer.
Uhh.... after that I spent hours just sitting around at the stage in the airport lounge. I thought all my housemates were going out tonight, so I was looking for someone to eat dinner with. As I still sort of have a fear of being alone, unfortunately. I know I need to like, develop my own indepedance again but... just not yet. As many know, my greatest fear is loneliness. And I'm a retard who can feel alone in a crowd full of people whom are all my friends. It's sad, I know. So yeah, Khanat and Chris were supposed to watch a movie with me! Night of the Musuem 2. I never saw the first one.
I was waiting for Vu to come out his graduation but it was a no go. Took too long. So I gave his card to Bernie-kun then went back home. Umm... Jia Chee's plans cancelled so I asked her to go to the movies with me. Chris pulled out. So yeah, 6:30 PM, me, Khanat and Jia Chee went to Glenny for dinner + movies. On the bus, we ran into Raine. Whom we didn't see at first. She was supposed to meet Jimmy at Glenny. Uhh... lol. We sort of surprised Jimmy at his work place when he was done but I felt bad intruding on his date with Rainy... gomen, Jimmy. =.= They decided to join us for our movie too? LOL. While lining up, we ran into V and his friends. I was WTF-ing. Gahh, people I know everywhere!!!
Dinner was at a Japanese place. Sakura Blossom restaurant or something? It wasn't very good actually. Food was pricey-ish and food was average. I had Teriyaki Chicken Udon. But yeah, the chicken wasn't very good. At the movies, our tickets were printed wrong. It said cinema 3 so in we went. Then we were confused cause the movie was halfway through already. Then I read a message on my phone and Raine is like... cinema 1, lol. Tickets are wrong. Epic phail there...
The movie. I SLEPT THROUGH THE MOVIE AGAIN! NOOOOO! I coudln't help it! I tried SOOO hard to stay awake. I managed to watch more then I watched Wolverine but... I blacked out so many times I was getting confused what was going on cause from my POV, the movie scenes were jumping. Gah, another waste of $10. I only saw like a quarter of the movie, lol. After the movies we cabbed home. I got home and uhh... sat around for a bit. But I went to sleep early. Since I was tired I guess.
"Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it."
@K-man: Haha. :P
I overslept again. In the morning. *sighs* I dunno why, cause I am going a bit... odd these past few days, my initiative to work hard and concentrate is causing me to struggle again. But I can't do this. Not at this time. When things are most important. I just can't fail another unit. I know that. But I just kept laying, there - staring into the blackness of the room. Wondering... "Just what is wrong?" I may need to answer that.
As today was the NFEU strike or something, my presentation for Education with 5 other group mates was delayed (I suppose). As the tutorial did not run with my tutor on strike and all. So I went to uni at 11 AM just for my lecture. After lecture I met up with Mark for a bit to complete some work we needed to do for the presentation but didn't (I guess we're both the slackers in the group, lol). After that I ran off for actual food and ran into Rachel! Uhh... another Rachel. Not the one I talked about before. Non-MCAC Rachel. Hmm, I need to somehow differentiate. But yeah, I decided to eat lunch with her. Hopefully I can get some sort of weekly lunch thing going on with her just so that we can catch up every week or something (well, she would be with her friends normally but I don't mind hanging with a new group of people).
Then I went to my tutorial. Where I did my usual thing of writing nothing and just mumbling crap about disabled students (which has been a major topic lately). After that, uhh... I went to the Campus Centre cinema foyer as that is where everyone was! Vu looked hilarious in his graduation gear, just cause he wore his Auspost shirt under his gown. It doens't get more phail then that! MCAC provided free Pocky and drinks, so I hobbled to the cinema and pulled Jimmy's hair cause I wanted the Coke Zero and Pocky, haha. Anyway, I didn't watch any anime, I just spent the time in the foyer.
Uhh.... after that I spent hours just sitting around at the stage in the airport lounge. I thought all my housemates were going out tonight, so I was looking for someone to eat dinner with. As I still sort of have a fear of being alone, unfortunately. I know I need to like, develop my own indepedance again but... just not yet. As many know, my greatest fear is loneliness. And I'm a retard who can feel alone in a crowd full of people whom are all my friends. It's sad, I know. So yeah, Khanat and Chris were supposed to watch a movie with me! Night of the Musuem 2. I never saw the first one.
I was waiting for Vu to come out his graduation but it was a no go. Took too long. So I gave his card to Bernie-kun then went back home. Umm... Jia Chee's plans cancelled so I asked her to go to the movies with me. Chris pulled out. So yeah, 6:30 PM, me, Khanat and Jia Chee went to Glenny for dinner + movies. On the bus, we ran into Raine. Whom we didn't see at first. She was supposed to meet Jimmy at Glenny. Uhh... lol. We sort of surprised Jimmy at his work place when he was done but I felt bad intruding on his date with Rainy... gomen, Jimmy. =.= They decided to join us for our movie too? LOL. While lining up, we ran into V and his friends. I was WTF-ing. Gahh, people I know everywhere!!!
Dinner was at a Japanese place. Sakura Blossom restaurant or something? It wasn't very good actually. Food was pricey-ish and food was average. I had Teriyaki Chicken Udon. But yeah, the chicken wasn't very good. At the movies, our tickets were printed wrong. It said cinema 3 so in we went. Then we were confused cause the movie was halfway through already. Then I read a message on my phone and Raine is like... cinema 1, lol. Tickets are wrong. Epic phail there...
The movie. I SLEPT THROUGH THE MOVIE AGAIN! NOOOOO! I coudln't help it! I tried SOOO hard to stay awake. I managed to watch more then I watched Wolverine but... I blacked out so many times I was getting confused what was going on cause from my POV, the movie scenes were jumping. Gah, another waste of $10. I only saw like a quarter of the movie, lol. After the movies we cabbed home. I got home and uhh... sat around for a bit. But I went to sleep early. Since I was tired I guess.
"Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it."
@K-man: Haha. :P
Wednesday, 20 May 2009
Increasingly restless...
Title says it all. I don't know, I am getting increasingly restless. Fidgety. Uncomfortable no matter where I am. Like, the only comfort I take is sleeping now. But that's just cause when I am asleep I feel nothing, see nothing and know nothing. I just dream, dream sweet dreams. But that is like running away from reality, and well... I should be tired of that already. I'm also tired of trying, but I don't want to give up cause... yeah, I'm sort of left without any choice. If I give up, well I don't know what giving up means. Say if we minus the whole not living part, to give up I guess would mean to stop trying to be as happy as you can, and who the crap wants to be miserable all the time? Uni is supposed to be the best time of my life and dammit I'm gonna make it the best time even if it kills me. >.>
I overslept in the morning. I was supposed to get up at 5 AM but I turned off my alarm and it was 7 AM by the time I realised I was still asleep and the sun was coming up. I skipped my Caulfield classes... cause I can't be bothered going to Caulfield anymore to be honest. I have an aversion to that campus in general. So I just went to uni at 12 PM... uhh, me, Sam and Leon bought our tickets for the Japanese Club's Dinner Night we are going to. I hope it'll be good. Emma prepared a booklet entitled "Operation Phe's Cosplay" detailing information on choices for Phe to cosplay. I made a poll on MCAC forums for everyone to vote on. Haha. 1 PM was screenings. Watched Eden of the East (a new show Rachel has been bugging me to watch for weeks, lol - it was good though) and CCS.
After screenings, uhh... it was random but Sam, me, Vince and Leon went to Chaddy. Cause I wanted earphones as I broke the last pair I have. Vince needed a scarf and Sam wanted to do a manga run. We went to JB Hi-Fi but I decided to just Ebay my earphones since I can get better ones for the same price. Sam bought a game and we spent forever in BORDERS and random clothing stores and no one really bought anything. It was hilarious. I dunno what we did all afternoon. And I learned today that men don't go shopping for clothes together! I never thought about this! So they either buy clothes themselves or... their mum buys it for them. OMG! It stuck out to me when Vince sort of asked Sam + Leon for their opinion on his scarf. And Sam was like... "......... uh... it's... okay?", hahaha. It was so funny! Sam said that guys don't try on clothes when they buy it (just hold it front of them) and thus why it doens't fit half the time (evidenced by Leon's oversized clothes or something he said). Hmmm. Very interesting!
We did nothing else but bum around in Nandos. And then went back to uni. I had nothing else to do and I wanted to help the housemates with food at home so I went home past 6 PM. Umm... everone was cooking and stuffs. I was tired for some reason so I went to nap in Yi Xin's room for an hour. I wasn't actually that tired physical, I dunno why I went to nap in her room. I think it's cause I just wanted to hide under something, and I didn't want to be in my room. Yeah, dinner was lasagna by Sha. After dinner I just stayed in my room for hours.
I decided on my cosplay for Manifest! Hehe. Will hopefully be a match to K-man and Sam who should be doing characters from the same series. I do hope.
I just went to sleep randomly. I dunno, today was odd. I just froze sometimes out of nowhere and wondered to myself. Wondering... what's up, really. Why do I feel so... out of place. Right now. With everything. I felt like saying something Xin today but she was obviously too busy, burdenered with a lot of things and well... I don't think I should say anything anymore. Cause everyone is sort of tired of it. I guess I'm just really insecure now. I don't want to bother anyone anymore. Just floating around feels strange though. I've no clue what's wrong really. I mean, nothing is wrong. Life is always how it is. I spend my days peacefully, every single day, surrounded by loving and caring friends. What else is there for me to ask for?
I've already used this quote in a blog post but I think it is appropriate. My mind knows all this, but not the body / the heart. So I am having trouble fooling myself. And this quote has so much irony in it for me. I mean, I am by nature just someone never satisfied. And I lose things because of that. Things that were so important to me. I should be warned really. As a friend had said... "Before you lose everything, you idiot... come back. We've all been waiting for so long..." I want to, I WILL, but... wait for me a bit longer. Please.
"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for."
@Les: Only one part of the wall is blue. And that is all very interesting. Really interesting. Somewhat relevant also. Disturbingly...
@Mr. Anonymous: Probably K-man because I can only see him calling me a silly girl (wait, Yi Xin does that too but she would sign her name). Congrats, K-man. You have now officially made me go teary with your comment. That and the morning atmosphere.
I overslept in the morning. I was supposed to get up at 5 AM but I turned off my alarm and it was 7 AM by the time I realised I was still asleep and the sun was coming up. I skipped my Caulfield classes... cause I can't be bothered going to Caulfield anymore to be honest. I have an aversion to that campus in general. So I just went to uni at 12 PM... uhh, me, Sam and Leon bought our tickets for the Japanese Club's Dinner Night we are going to. I hope it'll be good. Emma prepared a booklet entitled "Operation Phe's Cosplay" detailing information on choices for Phe to cosplay. I made a poll on MCAC forums for everyone to vote on. Haha. 1 PM was screenings. Watched Eden of the East (a new show Rachel has been bugging me to watch for weeks, lol - it was good though) and CCS.
After screenings, uhh... it was random but Sam, me, Vince and Leon went to Chaddy. Cause I wanted earphones as I broke the last pair I have. Vince needed a scarf and Sam wanted to do a manga run. We went to JB Hi-Fi but I decided to just Ebay my earphones since I can get better ones for the same price. Sam bought a game and we spent forever in BORDERS and random clothing stores and no one really bought anything. It was hilarious. I dunno what we did all afternoon. And I learned today that men don't go shopping for clothes together! I never thought about this! So they either buy clothes themselves or... their mum buys it for them. OMG! It stuck out to me when Vince sort of asked Sam + Leon for their opinion on his scarf. And Sam was like... "......... uh... it's... okay?", hahaha. It was so funny! Sam said that guys don't try on clothes when they buy it (just hold it front of them) and thus why it doens't fit half the time (evidenced by Leon's oversized clothes or something he said). Hmmm. Very interesting!
We did nothing else but bum around in Nandos. And then went back to uni. I had nothing else to do and I wanted to help the housemates with food at home so I went home past 6 PM. Umm... everone was cooking and stuffs. I was tired for some reason so I went to nap in Yi Xin's room for an hour. I wasn't actually that tired physical, I dunno why I went to nap in her room. I think it's cause I just wanted to hide under something, and I didn't want to be in my room. Yeah, dinner was lasagna by Sha. After dinner I just stayed in my room for hours.
I decided on my cosplay for Manifest! Hehe. Will hopefully be a match to K-man and Sam who should be doing characters from the same series. I do hope.
I just went to sleep randomly. I dunno, today was odd. I just froze sometimes out of nowhere and wondered to myself. Wondering... what's up, really. Why do I feel so... out of place. Right now. With everything. I felt like saying something Xin today but she was obviously too busy, burdenered with a lot of things and well... I don't think I should say anything anymore. Cause everyone is sort of tired of it. I guess I'm just really insecure now. I don't want to bother anyone anymore. Just floating around feels strange though. I've no clue what's wrong really. I mean, nothing is wrong. Life is always how it is. I spend my days peacefully, every single day, surrounded by loving and caring friends. What else is there for me to ask for?
I've already used this quote in a blog post but I think it is appropriate. My mind knows all this, but not the body / the heart. So I am having trouble fooling myself. And this quote has so much irony in it for me. I mean, I am by nature just someone never satisfied. And I lose things because of that. Things that were so important to me. I should be warned really. As a friend had said... "Before you lose everything, you idiot... come back. We've all been waiting for so long..." I want to, I WILL, but... wait for me a bit longer. Please.
"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for."
@Les: Only one part of the wall is blue. And that is all very interesting. Really interesting. Somewhat relevant also. Disturbingly...
@Mr. Anonymous: Probably K-man because I can only see him calling me a silly girl (wait, Yi Xin does that too but she would sign her name). Congrats, K-man. You have now officially made me go teary with your comment. That and the morning atmosphere.
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
As long as you're happy...
I thought I would take a leaf out of Lesley's book and look at my dreams. So in the morning, I've had this on reoccurring dream that has been bothering me for... I don't know how long. I'm in a room. 'My' room. But it is an empty room. With white walls and a bed. There is a whiteboard on the wall of the room, with a lot of scribblings everywhere. Words and what not. Two men always come into my room and one of them stares at the whiteboard. The other seems seems to be talking to me. And nothing else really happens from there. I normally wake up. I just find this odd because I recall having this exact same dream like... numerous times already. I wonder what it means...
As my morning was an incredible pot of emo (yes, it's true) let's talk about the more pleasant day first! Yay, so after my one hour of crying in the morning (yeah, I didn't think it was possible to have tears for a whole hour, holy crap, where does all the fluids come from??? Should I drink more water and eat more salt? XD XD). Yay, shower time then off to uni. I know Alan, Kim and Lawrence were there since 8 AM (the weirdos...). And I know last night, Leon and Jeremy stayed at Drue's place which I found hilarious. Just cause my facebook front page is full of their spamming to each other, and a message that says Leon was sitting in Drue's lap! Awwww!! I knew it! Ahahahaha!
I went to uni, uhh... for my lecture. They were talking about fat people in my lecture. And I find out that my group presentation on Thursday is delayed as the university is going on strike on Thursday! At least, my unit is. Oh joy! No class on Thursday! I went back to lunch table, Vu was there! Uhh... what else. Just general randomness. Rachel brought her MASSIVE anime collection to uni. Haha. Perhaps I should bring mine one day! Then we went to dantai practice. Vu-Vu actually came to practice! For once. Woah. So yeah, we had a good time there.
I then went for my children's lit tutorial. I got my 20% tutorial test back. I got a D! Which I was quite happy about. Perhaps there is hope for me just yet. This is the same unit my other 20% essay got like a 52% or something (my D was a 72.5%). I'm currently working on my next assignment worht 60%. I must get a D for that... yeah, I need to try my best. Getting good grades back sort of makes me happy. Self-fulfillment I guess. I know I'm not the smartest thing in the world but I'm really not used to being treated as stupid, ya know? lol I mean... I wasn't top of class in ISB but I was pretty damn near the top a lot of the times (and I was #1 in IT!! I remember that, our seating was based on grade rankings and I had the #1 seat the entire time ~) Oh the good ol' days when I actually learned things. Now I can just write essays about random topics and books, and the most useful thing I learn I suppose is the psychology part of Education. But that's about it.
When I went back to lunch table... hmm, Rachel apparently left like 10 seconds before I got there! NOOOO! Bleh. And Vince was about to leave too. So yeah, I went home. Sat around for a while. Went to bake a couple of cookies downstairs to eat. Had instant noodle dinner with the housemates. Then I fell asleep in Yi Xin's room for an hour while her and Joanne / Mei Xian chat in the background with Korean songs playng the entire time. It's amazing where you can sleep when you are that tired.
So yeah, onto the sob sob stuffs. Yes, I'm sorry. You have to sit through me typing stuff like this. If I don't get it out I can't function properly in the daytime. Too much pressure and I can feel myself dying inside sometimes. I was crying pretty badly in the morning. The tears just wouldn't stop. Like a water fountain! Maybe if I cry enough it'll stop one day. But at least it doesn't happy too often now, sort of shows I am getting more immune to things. I need to take a perspective on life of indifference. Should not let anyone or anything faze me anymore. I highly doubt that would happen though, I don't recall myself or my family being the "I don't care, what happens happens" type. We're sentimental and sensitive people. The sort of people a lot of people like to say is kind, but... the sort of people also often in pain. Cause, the world is not kind... nor is it sentimental. But, I'd like to pretend it was. It's much easier that way. And I think I prefer the me who trusts the people she meet, rather then the me who thinks everyone has ulterior motives.
I just hugged my pillow and thought about a load of stuff. Hah, I was trying to figure out how did everything get to this point. My memory is starting to get a bit warped now. I think if one thinks too much, I'll start having trouble telling the difference of what is actual fact and what is stuff conjured up in my head. I was a bit confused. But yeah, I'll stop thinking soon, I hope. Cause, if I start believing in things that might not have actually happened... I dunno what sort of mental disorder I'm developing but I need to stop that. I just decided at the end that, yeah... life will still go on. So I gotta keep on moving. And there's always hope for tomorrow. For me, and for my friends too, whom I love very much and I hope that, they'll all sort out the issues pulling them down too. I can at least take comfort these days in seeing the people around me happy. As long as everyone else is happy. I just don't want to see people crying also. It hurts even more. Cause, to have hope. You want to see everyone else reach that end of the path where everything works out well, ya know? So then I can have hope too. It's a funny feeling really. I guess this is what it's like. Never thought I would have it to. The feeling... for the one I love. To know that that person is happy, and with someone that will probably make them happier then I ever could. And to take comfort in that, an odd feeling that makes you smile. Smiling with tears coming down my face. Haha, I guess this is what bittersweet means. But, I think it's cool.
If I thought about it, I never really did make that person smile. Perhaps, I should of realised this would of happened all so much sooner. I guess, when I always joked "People had the misfortune of having to know me." - half of it is true. Maybe this is why people leave me eventually. I always believed in the words of those who said, "We'll be friends forever." or that... "I won't leave you.". They did though. They left me. I just do too many things wrong all me life, eh? Cause no one wants to stick around long enough for me...
I sincerely wish one day that I could become someone who could make someone else happy too. So that I never have to have this feeling again. Because, I feel a bit messed up to be laughing and smiling, while crying so badly at the same time. It's so weird. I always had this complex about being 'second place'. Even now, I still haven't found myself in a position believing that I am... no longer anyone's second place. But one day, I can stop being the second place and be number one to someone right? Yeah, one day. If I live through each day. It'll get somewhere. It will. I know it will.
"You know it's love when all you want is that person to be happy, even if you're not part of their happiness."
As my morning was an incredible pot of emo (yes, it's true) let's talk about the more pleasant day first! Yay, so after my one hour of crying in the morning (yeah, I didn't think it was possible to have tears for a whole hour, holy crap, where does all the fluids come from??? Should I drink more water and eat more salt? XD XD). Yay, shower time then off to uni. I know Alan, Kim and Lawrence were there since 8 AM (the weirdos...). And I know last night, Leon and Jeremy stayed at Drue's place which I found hilarious. Just cause my facebook front page is full of their spamming to each other, and a message that says Leon was sitting in Drue's lap! Awwww!! I knew it! Ahahahaha!
I went to uni, uhh... for my lecture. They were talking about fat people in my lecture. And I find out that my group presentation on Thursday is delayed as the university is going on strike on Thursday! At least, my unit is. Oh joy! No class on Thursday! I went back to lunch table, Vu was there! Uhh... what else. Just general randomness. Rachel brought her MASSIVE anime collection to uni. Haha. Perhaps I should bring mine one day! Then we went to dantai practice. Vu-Vu actually came to practice! For once. Woah. So yeah, we had a good time there.
I then went for my children's lit tutorial. I got my 20% tutorial test back. I got a D! Which I was quite happy about. Perhaps there is hope for me just yet. This is the same unit my other 20% essay got like a 52% or something (my D was a 72.5%). I'm currently working on my next assignment worht 60%. I must get a D for that... yeah, I need to try my best. Getting good grades back sort of makes me happy. Self-fulfillment I guess. I know I'm not the smartest thing in the world but I'm really not used to being treated as stupid, ya know? lol I mean... I wasn't top of class in ISB but I was pretty damn near the top a lot of the times (and I was #1 in IT!! I remember that, our seating was based on grade rankings and I had the #1 seat the entire time ~) Oh the good ol' days when I actually learned things. Now I can just write essays about random topics and books, and the most useful thing I learn I suppose is the psychology part of Education. But that's about it.
When I went back to lunch table... hmm, Rachel apparently left like 10 seconds before I got there! NOOOO! Bleh. And Vince was about to leave too. So yeah, I went home. Sat around for a while. Went to bake a couple of cookies downstairs to eat. Had instant noodle dinner with the housemates. Then I fell asleep in Yi Xin's room for an hour while her and Joanne / Mei Xian chat in the background with Korean songs playng the entire time. It's amazing where you can sleep when you are that tired.
So yeah, onto the sob sob stuffs. Yes, I'm sorry. You have to sit through me typing stuff like this. If I don't get it out I can't function properly in the daytime. Too much pressure and I can feel myself dying inside sometimes. I was crying pretty badly in the morning. The tears just wouldn't stop. Like a water fountain! Maybe if I cry enough it'll stop one day. But at least it doesn't happy too often now, sort of shows I am getting more immune to things. I need to take a perspective on life of indifference. Should not let anyone or anything faze me anymore. I highly doubt that would happen though, I don't recall myself or my family being the "I don't care, what happens happens" type. We're sentimental and sensitive people. The sort of people a lot of people like to say is kind, but... the sort of people also often in pain. Cause, the world is not kind... nor is it sentimental. But, I'd like to pretend it was. It's much easier that way. And I think I prefer the me who trusts the people she meet, rather then the me who thinks everyone has ulterior motives.
I just hugged my pillow and thought about a load of stuff. Hah, I was trying to figure out how did everything get to this point. My memory is starting to get a bit warped now. I think if one thinks too much, I'll start having trouble telling the difference of what is actual fact and what is stuff conjured up in my head. I was a bit confused. But yeah, I'll stop thinking soon, I hope. Cause, if I start believing in things that might not have actually happened... I dunno what sort of mental disorder I'm developing but I need to stop that. I just decided at the end that, yeah... life will still go on. So I gotta keep on moving. And there's always hope for tomorrow. For me, and for my friends too, whom I love very much and I hope that, they'll all sort out the issues pulling them down too. I can at least take comfort these days in seeing the people around me happy. As long as everyone else is happy. I just don't want to see people crying also. It hurts even more. Cause, to have hope. You want to see everyone else reach that end of the path where everything works out well, ya know? So then I can have hope too. It's a funny feeling really. I guess this is what it's like. Never thought I would have it to. The feeling... for the one I love. To know that that person is happy, and with someone that will probably make them happier then I ever could. And to take comfort in that, an odd feeling that makes you smile. Smiling with tears coming down my face. Haha, I guess this is what bittersweet means. But, I think it's cool.
If I thought about it, I never really did make that person smile. Perhaps, I should of realised this would of happened all so much sooner. I guess, when I always joked "People had the misfortune of having to know me." - half of it is true. Maybe this is why people leave me eventually. I always believed in the words of those who said, "We'll be friends forever." or that... "I won't leave you.". They did though. They left me. I just do too many things wrong all me life, eh? Cause no one wants to stick around long enough for me...
I sincerely wish one day that I could become someone who could make someone else happy too. So that I never have to have this feeling again. Because, I feel a bit messed up to be laughing and smiling, while crying so badly at the same time. It's so weird. I always had this complex about being 'second place'. Even now, I still haven't found myself in a position believing that I am... no longer anyone's second place. But one day, I can stop being the second place and be number one to someone right? Yeah, one day. If I live through each day. It'll get somewhere. It will. I know it will.
"You know it's love when all you want is that person to be happy, even if you're not part of their happiness."
Monday, 18 May 2009
As the time just goes by...
Today turned out surprisingly alright. I sort of expected to go haywire today. Because, it is the 18th of May. It's been 3 months I guess... since a certain day I would of did anything for just to take away. Even now I still feel the same, because to everyone else it may have been 3 months... to me, I dunno... still felt like yesterday. But, if I forever hold on to thoughts like these while everyone else is moving on, I think I'll just be in for more pain. I see no point in staring at a door that had already closed, right?
Memories... I dunno what to do with these things. I wonder what memories are to other people. But I can never understand that unless I am these people themselves, right? I wonder why I can remember so many things I would do anything to get back, and other people can so easily throw them away as though it was all a lie to begin with. Perhaps I am just weak because I can't throw these away? I can't just walk away. I can't just forget. I wish I really could though. But then again I've always been liked this. Like I've said before, I clearly remember the times in the teenage years that I could not stand. The days when I was around 14 where I felt like I wasn't even alive for months. I could remember when I was 10... some memories there that would be better off forgotten. And these are just the bad times. There's too many good times for me to think about. But it doesn't matter where I am or in what situation I'm in. Give it a bit of time and it might all disappear. The good times... and perhaps the bad.
The actual day. I got up and did minimal work but I tried to study. At 12 PM-ish I left the house and was like "......... lol." cause Vince left his car in front of my house! I was like... "whut... o..kay....". I noticed an hour later he did text me asking me if he could but I obviously didn't read it. Off to uni. I was trying to make people sign Vu's graduation card but there isn't really much people from last year anymore. At 1 PM I went off to dantai practice, it was only Jono and Eloise but I got a bit farther so it's all good. Ranna came, and while we were waiting for a room, we ran into Raine who was going for some info talk. Tom and Jeremy then came by in the Menzies. Uhh... a convo we had while downstairs...
Ranna: Celine .... *stares* You have nothing.
Me: ..... bitch. T.T
[when Tom comes]
Me: TOM!!! Ranna said I have nothing!!
Tom: What do yo-
[Points at chest]
Tom: Oh! lol, but you really don't have anything!
Me: .... bitch. T.T
Boo. Continuing dantai practice, umm... Raine came by again after info talk just to sit around. Jono was trying to force her to join / learn. By locking the door ('cept the door had no lock). And she was gonna jump out the window if we did that, haha. Yay, after umm... lunch tables. Sat around and stuffs. *thinks* Well I know Damien was sitting around looking at his new shiny car (manuals). Kim and Cao were on the floor so we joined them. And eventually it became an UNO session with like over 20 people playing UNO (there isn't enough cards) until we saw Rachel walk in and I'm like "We can go to Maccas!" ... YAY! And everyone throws their cards away cause we wanted food. So off we went!
At Maccas, uhh... I wasn't hungry but Vince shouted me ice cream again. I am gonna get fat like this, lol. Andrew Kim bought a pounder burger. It was the most disgusting thing we've all seen. It's like... a four patty burger with so much oil oozing out anyone who takes that will have all their arteries clogged within the next hour. And he ate it all. Oh man... what else. Cao's happy meal, Jeremy like drew penises all over it (way mature, right?). During one time, Vince was in his jokes / puns mood and he attempted to make jokes / puns out of everyones names on the spot (he did it with mine, Rachel, Khanat and Jeremy). Well until we were like.. make it stop! Make it stop! *me and Rachel smacks head*
5:30 PM, umm... me and Vince decided to leave. He wanted to copy anime from me which I had at home so yeah ~ met my housemates and stuffs. We watched an episode of Happy Tree Friends to show Sha, but she screamed and ran off pretty fast. I managed to sit through it all but Xin was like closing my eyes and hugging me the entire time because it was disgusting, lol. Dinner was umm... Jia Chee cooking shark (o.o), Sha and Joanne cooking other stuffs and one of their friends came over too with Chinese mushrooms. It was a simple but pleasant dinner, hehe. Sadly, when we woke Xin up for dinner... she locked herself out of her own room. =.= Gah...
So to maximise time, me and Xin slept in my room at like 9 PM, intending to wake up at 10 PM so that she can get the door unlocked when the landlord comes and continue with her work. It's been a long time since I shared a single bed with someone, hehe. It sounds utterly retarded but I sort of like it / miss it. Well, no... it's hard to sleep and I can't move but like, I feel less alone I guess you could say. I mean, when I first moved into my current house. Me and Xin shared my room for 6 weeks. After that was... well, you could guess. So I hadn't really been alone in this house until this semester. Must be why I was freaking out so much in the beginning.
We woke up at 11 PM. Uhh... I sat around for a bit after that but went to sleep pretty early actually. Just couldn't take sitting up anymore. So much for doing work... I don't... wanna fail another unit. *sighs* Later into the night, yeah I guess it had to happen. I just went a bit teary and sniffed under my pillow. Yeah, it's okay really. The time will move on regardless of how I think or feel. Tomorrow will still come no matter how far I wish it away. The past cannot be changed no matter how much I regret what I've done. Nothing can be done. But hope that... at the end of the day, things will work out for everyone. At the end...
"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin..... But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid.Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."
@Mag: Heh, but Manj is a huge Dan Brown fan I think, right? lol
@Xin: We can go to Pinewood for movies actually. Like our house and all. Since movies there are like $6.50? It's a small cinema but it's sort of nice to like watch the movie so close to the screen. Like when we have a projector, lol.
Memories... I dunno what to do with these things. I wonder what memories are to other people. But I can never understand that unless I am these people themselves, right? I wonder why I can remember so many things I would do anything to get back, and other people can so easily throw them away as though it was all a lie to begin with. Perhaps I am just weak because I can't throw these away? I can't just walk away. I can't just forget. I wish I really could though. But then again I've always been liked this. Like I've said before, I clearly remember the times in the teenage years that I could not stand. The days when I was around 14 where I felt like I wasn't even alive for months. I could remember when I was 10... some memories there that would be better off forgotten. And these are just the bad times. There's too many good times for me to think about. But it doesn't matter where I am or in what situation I'm in. Give it a bit of time and it might all disappear. The good times... and perhaps the bad.
The actual day. I got up and did minimal work but I tried to study. At 12 PM-ish I left the house and was like "......... lol." cause Vince left his car in front of my house! I was like... "whut... o..kay....". I noticed an hour later he did text me asking me if he could but I obviously didn't read it. Off to uni. I was trying to make people sign Vu's graduation card but there isn't really much people from last year anymore. At 1 PM I went off to dantai practice, it was only Jono and Eloise but I got a bit farther so it's all good. Ranna came, and while we were waiting for a room, we ran into Raine who was going for some info talk. Tom and Jeremy then came by in the Menzies. Uhh... a convo we had while downstairs...
Ranna: Celine .... *stares* You have nothing.
Me: ..... bitch. T.T
[when Tom comes]
Me: TOM!!! Ranna said I have nothing!!
Tom: What do yo-
[Points at chest]
Tom: Oh! lol, but you really don't have anything!
Me: .... bitch. T.T
Boo. Continuing dantai practice, umm... Raine came by again after info talk just to sit around. Jono was trying to force her to join / learn. By locking the door ('cept the door had no lock). And she was gonna jump out the window if we did that, haha. Yay, after umm... lunch tables. Sat around and stuffs. *thinks* Well I know Damien was sitting around looking at his new shiny car (manuals). Kim and Cao were on the floor so we joined them. And eventually it became an UNO session with like over 20 people playing UNO (there isn't enough cards) until we saw Rachel walk in and I'm like "We can go to Maccas!" ... YAY! And everyone throws their cards away cause we wanted food. So off we went!
At Maccas, uhh... I wasn't hungry but Vince shouted me ice cream again. I am gonna get fat like this, lol. Andrew Kim bought a pounder burger. It was the most disgusting thing we've all seen. It's like... a four patty burger with so much oil oozing out anyone who takes that will have all their arteries clogged within the next hour. And he ate it all. Oh man... what else. Cao's happy meal, Jeremy like drew penises all over it (way mature, right?). During one time, Vince was in his jokes / puns mood and he attempted to make jokes / puns out of everyones names on the spot (he did it with mine, Rachel, Khanat and Jeremy). Well until we were like.. make it stop! Make it stop! *me and Rachel smacks head*
5:30 PM, umm... me and Vince decided to leave. He wanted to copy anime from me which I had at home so yeah ~ met my housemates and stuffs. We watched an episode of Happy Tree Friends to show Sha, but she screamed and ran off pretty fast. I managed to sit through it all but Xin was like closing my eyes and hugging me the entire time because it was disgusting, lol. Dinner was umm... Jia Chee cooking shark (o.o), Sha and Joanne cooking other stuffs and one of their friends came over too with Chinese mushrooms. It was a simple but pleasant dinner, hehe. Sadly, when we woke Xin up for dinner... she locked herself out of her own room. =.= Gah...
So to maximise time, me and Xin slept in my room at like 9 PM, intending to wake up at 10 PM so that she can get the door unlocked when the landlord comes and continue with her work. It's been a long time since I shared a single bed with someone, hehe. It sounds utterly retarded but I sort of like it / miss it. Well, no... it's hard to sleep and I can't move but like, I feel less alone I guess you could say. I mean, when I first moved into my current house. Me and Xin shared my room for 6 weeks. After that was... well, you could guess. So I hadn't really been alone in this house until this semester. Must be why I was freaking out so much in the beginning.
We woke up at 11 PM. Uhh... I sat around for a bit after that but went to sleep pretty early actually. Just couldn't take sitting up anymore. So much for doing work... I don't... wanna fail another unit. *sighs* Later into the night, yeah I guess it had to happen. I just went a bit teary and sniffed under my pillow. Yeah, it's okay really. The time will move on regardless of how I think or feel. Tomorrow will still come no matter how far I wish it away. The past cannot be changed no matter how much I regret what I've done. Nothing can be done. But hope that... at the end of the day, things will work out for everyone. At the end...
"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin..... But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid.Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."
@Mag: Heh, but Manj is a huge Dan Brown fan I think, right? lol
@Xin: We can go to Pinewood for movies actually. Like our house and all. Since movies there are like $6.50? It's a small cinema but it's sort of nice to like watch the movie so close to the screen. Like when we have a projector, lol.
Sunday, 17 May 2009
Angels & Demons
This was supposed to be a day of study. But I am still struggling. I woke up and just read mostly. In the morning, Sha asked me whether I wanted to go watch Angels & Demons at night with Vu and co. So I was like... okay! Had lunch at 12:30 PM and near to 1 PM I went to uni to meet up with Lesley at the library. We sat around chatting and studying for around 2 hours (perhaps a bit less) before she had to go back to St. Albans. I went to pick out books and stuffs I need before heading back home. At home... I basically just sat around talking to people on MSN + the housemates. Before I left my room, I sort of promised to myself that I would not think of anything specific while at Chaddy. That I would enjoy my day and not think about whatever has been in my mind for countless times. I just want to live normally. But I don't know what is up with me and these past few days. I seem to be walking into a relapse again. I bit of soul searching might be needed here, eh?
At 6:40 PM Vu came by and we all laughed at his attempt to be cool with his hair. Sha was missing during this time. She was supposed to meet us at home, and normally Church finsihes at 6:30 PM for her. So we thought... oh, let's go and get her from Church instead! So off we went to Monash's Religious Centre. We got there and it was really quiet. Too quiet. There were no people around and we were confused. We went inside the Church but there were barely any people around. We continously phoned Sha the entire time and she never picked up her phone. So yeah... we were like... WTF-ing basically at the Religious Centre. Xin phoned Mei Xian at home to confirm that she wasn't actually at home. She then phoned Damian to confirm that she actually left the place. Apparently she was driven home. So we decided to go home again and then we finally got a call. Yay, Sha was at home, lol. Apparently she left her mobile in her room the entire time.
So off to Chaddy! Sha suggested eating Japanese food. So we were like... okay, go to Wagamama or Kintochi, as they are the ones near the cinema. Bernie-kun joined us for dinner, while Ly was joining us for the movies. Wagamama was too expensive so we went to Kintochi. Me, Xin and Joanne had udon, Vu and Bernie-kun had ramen and Sha had chicken curry don or something, lol. It was alright. The green tea tasted like seaweed water. Mine was rather plain but at least it wasn't so oily. Vu ordered like even more food after cause he eats too much, lol. Uhh... after that we went to the bubble tea place, I think everyone ordered fruity ice blendeds, Xin had her taro bubble tea and I had milo oreo ice blended, lol.
The actual movie! Xin read the book in high school. I never read Angels & Demons (I have Dan Brown's other three books though... I wasn't too fond of his writing). It was pretty interesting, and anything that leaves me on the edge of my seat is a job well done. Some scenes had us jumping up and down, yelling "Save him!!!" complete with prayers and stuff, lol. I think we are a pretty noisy bunch though. Oh, and I did not fall asleep through this movie! Which I am rather glad for, lol. After the movie, we rambled about what happened. Then we were gonna go for a midnight run to Maccas, but Chris wouldn't come. Nor would Bernie-chan. And Raine was half asleep already. So yeah... Vu was like, just go home. And we did. I went home, and went to sleep shortly after.
I blacked out pretty fast so there was no time for contemplation or whatever. I noticed that I had to surpress certain thoughts during my time at Chaddy. Putting effort into avoiding thinking of things is fine and all but I think this sort of action puts too much pressure on me (so I like to avoid doing that otherwise I'll just probably break again). But, at least... I had a good time. The most important part.
"Measure yourself by your best moments, not by your worst. We are too prone to judge ourselves by our moments of despondency and depression."
@Anonymous: Still think you're K-man, lol.
@Lesley: Heh, well I know that line quite well. I understand it but... sometimes I wish the new doors would open without having to close too many of the old ones. Unless they are changes ultimately for the better. Perhaps it might be. I guess only time will tell.
At 6:40 PM Vu came by and we all laughed at his attempt to be cool with his hair. Sha was missing during this time. She was supposed to meet us at home, and normally Church finsihes at 6:30 PM for her. So we thought... oh, let's go and get her from Church instead! So off we went to Monash's Religious Centre. We got there and it was really quiet. Too quiet. There were no people around and we were confused. We went inside the Church but there were barely any people around. We continously phoned Sha the entire time and she never picked up her phone. So yeah... we were like... WTF-ing basically at the Religious Centre. Xin phoned Mei Xian at home to confirm that she wasn't actually at home. She then phoned Damian to confirm that she actually left the place. Apparently she was driven home. So we decided to go home again and then we finally got a call. Yay, Sha was at home, lol. Apparently she left her mobile in her room the entire time.
So off to Chaddy! Sha suggested eating Japanese food. So we were like... okay, go to Wagamama or Kintochi, as they are the ones near the cinema. Bernie-kun joined us for dinner, while Ly was joining us for the movies. Wagamama was too expensive so we went to Kintochi. Me, Xin and Joanne had udon, Vu and Bernie-kun had ramen and Sha had chicken curry don or something, lol. It was alright. The green tea tasted like seaweed water. Mine was rather plain but at least it wasn't so oily. Vu ordered like even more food after cause he eats too much, lol. Uhh... after that we went to the bubble tea place, I think everyone ordered fruity ice blendeds, Xin had her taro bubble tea and I had milo oreo ice blended, lol.
The actual movie! Xin read the book in high school. I never read Angels & Demons (I have Dan Brown's other three books though... I wasn't too fond of his writing). It was pretty interesting, and anything that leaves me on the edge of my seat is a job well done. Some scenes had us jumping up and down, yelling "Save him!!!" complete with prayers and stuff, lol. I think we are a pretty noisy bunch though. Oh, and I did not fall asleep through this movie! Which I am rather glad for, lol. After the movie, we rambled about what happened. Then we were gonna go for a midnight run to Maccas, but Chris wouldn't come. Nor would Bernie-chan. And Raine was half asleep already. So yeah... Vu was like, just go home. And we did. I went home, and went to sleep shortly after.
I blacked out pretty fast so there was no time for contemplation or whatever. I noticed that I had to surpress certain thoughts during my time at Chaddy. Putting effort into avoiding thinking of things is fine and all but I think this sort of action puts too much pressure on me (so I like to avoid doing that otherwise I'll just probably break again). But, at least... I had a good time. The most important part.
"Measure yourself by your best moments, not by your worst. We are too prone to judge ourselves by our moments of despondency and depression."
@Anonymous: Still think you're K-man, lol.
@Lesley: Heh, well I know that line quite well. I understand it but... sometimes I wish the new doors would open without having to close too many of the old ones. Unless they are changes ultimately for the better. Perhaps it might be. I guess only time will tell.
Saturday, 16 May 2009
Shopping is theraputic...
My morning was pretty much melancholy again. I felt a lot better. A lot better. I did snuggle under my blanket a lot though. And maybe a tear or two fell down my face, but it's okay. Nothing really for me to worry about. It was one of those situations where my mind literally really thought nothing in particular, just that the tears would still not stop falling on my face. Rather an annoyance. I feel safest under my blanket these days. But I know it's a childish action from someone attempting to run away.
11:30 AM meant shopping time! I was going to go shopping with Xin, Jia Chee and Sha. The 4 of us! My most lovely foursome. Before I left, I decided in my room that I would spend the day at the shopping centre, free of worry. I would not think of anything that would distress me. Or has been distressing me. I wouldn't sit around, dazed, thinking about memories I should of just buried a long time ago. And it was an awesome day because of that!
I wanted to buy boots! Not expensive ones, just something to wear. As I've been wearing slippers lately, and they are not suitable for the cold weather. And wearing my pair of Sketchers everyday gets boring after a while. So I went boots hunting! And could not find much under my budget. Umm... some things I learnt today! That I can fit children clothing! I should of done that ages ago, just cause children's clothing are so much cuter! Haha. Let's see, I bought boots, a really cheap turtleneck shirt, some cards for people and uhh... something else which I won't talk about in public, lol. Everyone in our group bought stuff for once, haha. I had the King William Chocolate thingy at Boost. It had... too much banana in it. And wasn't too good. Bleh. At the shop with the Shibuya stuff, I tried on a lolita dress. It was really cute. I really liked it but I obviously can't afford it ($160), lol. Bleh. It was way cute though. Sha tried on a corset thingy. And I dunno what Xin went to wear since I never saw it.
Lunch was Hungry Jacks. I needed fast food bad, lol. Haven't had any in ages. Uhh... outside Coles, we ran into Bernie-chan! It was a surprise. We talked for quite a bit, need to meet up with Bernie soon. With Xin and Raine. Too much for us to catch up on! She was going on about the latest gossip regarding people she knows. Her source of gossip? Chris of course. Our resident gossip masters, Chris and Tom, you can count on them to spread everything about everyone so everyone knows what's up with you and your relationships. *sighs* At ALDI, I also ran into Ieja and Zati~ hehe. It was a pleasant surprise. Umm... since our bus was hourly, we had to wait 40 minutes for our bus basically. We all bought lunch for the next three days (pasta / sandwiches) for like $2 (and it became $1 20 minutes later). It was awesome. Haha.
End of the day. Umm.. we got home with so much groceries and stuff my hands were breaking. I went to cook dinner for everyone. Spinach noodles, that turned out too spicy with cabana sausages, onions and mushrooms. It wasn't very good. Cas and Thomas were laughing at the "ice water" in the noodles, like the temperature matters in a list of ingrediants. Dessert was donuts and chocolate! And Xin + Thomas were fighting over who had the more populer packet of nuts in the house. Hahaha. We sat around for ages just talking about random things. Cause I didn't want to get up to study either. I guess the little dream had to end. And I had to come back to good ol' reality again, eh? I didn't get much work done. The night was spent on MSN. And I went to sleep pretty early just cause... I dunno, I didn't... want to stay awake anymore? I guess.
Either way, I'm glad we went shopping today. And I will dearly miss the awesome-ness of our foursome. I'll be crying badly when Jia Chee leaves. And when Sha leaves at the end of the year. Next year will just be me and Xin. *sighs* I know every year... is all about change. As 2009 has proven to me. Changes that I never would expect. I didn't expect 2008 to be so awesome, and I never expected myself to be this hurt in 2009. I dunno what 2010 will be like. I hope... that next year will be a year where everything starts to look up again. Even with the departure of two of my precious housemates. Although I would rather not wait until next year. I hope by next semester, I'll be in a state where when I go out to have fun, I am having fun. Unconditionally. Where I live life glad to see each day pass by. I remember last year, around this time in 2008. I was in a pretty happy state, but I was in a lonely state nonetheless. And I was in a state where sometimes I didn't want each day to come, or that I did not look forward to each day as I should. But still, I was a satisfied individual. As life was peaceful, and good. And it was fun with my housemates. The second half of 2008 took a turn and I really looked forward to everything that came every single little day. Sometimes things happened, but... I never really thought "Oh... I really don't want to wake up from this dream...".
Right now I've backtracked so badly it even outdoes the first half of 2008. I still love my housemates. But... there is just too much around me already. It isn't just me of course. Other friends are also being pulled down with their own problems. I do wonder was it worth it all? Is this like karma? For my own crimes and selfishness. To be too happy in one time meant that once it's gone you're beyond going back to step one. You're like in step minus 50. I can keep walking to get those steps back but... What will 2010 look like? It's scary...
"We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are."
11:30 AM meant shopping time! I was going to go shopping with Xin, Jia Chee and Sha. The 4 of us! My most lovely foursome. Before I left, I decided in my room that I would spend the day at the shopping centre, free of worry. I would not think of anything that would distress me. Or has been distressing me. I wouldn't sit around, dazed, thinking about memories I should of just buried a long time ago. And it was an awesome day because of that!
I wanted to buy boots! Not expensive ones, just something to wear. As I've been wearing slippers lately, and they are not suitable for the cold weather. And wearing my pair of Sketchers everyday gets boring after a while. So I went boots hunting! And could not find much under my budget. Umm... some things I learnt today! That I can fit children clothing! I should of done that ages ago, just cause children's clothing are so much cuter! Haha. Let's see, I bought boots, a really cheap turtleneck shirt, some cards for people and uhh... something else which I won't talk about in public, lol. Everyone in our group bought stuff for once, haha. I had the King William Chocolate thingy at Boost. It had... too much banana in it. And wasn't too good. Bleh. At the shop with the Shibuya stuff, I tried on a lolita dress. It was really cute. I really liked it but I obviously can't afford it ($160), lol. Bleh. It was way cute though. Sha tried on a corset thingy. And I dunno what Xin went to wear since I never saw it.
Lunch was Hungry Jacks. I needed fast food bad, lol. Haven't had any in ages. Uhh... outside Coles, we ran into Bernie-chan! It was a surprise. We talked for quite a bit, need to meet up with Bernie soon. With Xin and Raine. Too much for us to catch up on! She was going on about the latest gossip regarding people she knows. Her source of gossip? Chris of course. Our resident gossip masters, Chris and Tom, you can count on them to spread everything about everyone so everyone knows what's up with you and your relationships. *sighs* At ALDI, I also ran into Ieja and Zati~ hehe. It was a pleasant surprise. Umm... since our bus was hourly, we had to wait 40 minutes for our bus basically. We all bought lunch for the next three days (pasta / sandwiches) for like $2 (and it became $1 20 minutes later). It was awesome. Haha.
End of the day. Umm.. we got home with so much groceries and stuff my hands were breaking. I went to cook dinner for everyone. Spinach noodles, that turned out too spicy with cabana sausages, onions and mushrooms. It wasn't very good. Cas and Thomas were laughing at the "ice water" in the noodles, like the temperature matters in a list of ingrediants. Dessert was donuts and chocolate! And Xin + Thomas were fighting over who had the more populer packet of nuts in the house. Hahaha. We sat around for ages just talking about random things. Cause I didn't want to get up to study either. I guess the little dream had to end. And I had to come back to good ol' reality again, eh? I didn't get much work done. The night was spent on MSN. And I went to sleep pretty early just cause... I dunno, I didn't... want to stay awake anymore? I guess.
Either way, I'm glad we went shopping today. And I will dearly miss the awesome-ness of our foursome. I'll be crying badly when Jia Chee leaves. And when Sha leaves at the end of the year. Next year will just be me and Xin. *sighs* I know every year... is all about change. As 2009 has proven to me. Changes that I never would expect. I didn't expect 2008 to be so awesome, and I never expected myself to be this hurt in 2009. I dunno what 2010 will be like. I hope... that next year will be a year where everything starts to look up again. Even with the departure of two of my precious housemates. Although I would rather not wait until next year. I hope by next semester, I'll be in a state where when I go out to have fun, I am having fun. Unconditionally. Where I live life glad to see each day pass by. I remember last year, around this time in 2008. I was in a pretty happy state, but I was in a lonely state nonetheless. And I was in a state where sometimes I didn't want each day to come, or that I did not look forward to each day as I should. But still, I was a satisfied individual. As life was peaceful, and good. And it was fun with my housemates. The second half of 2008 took a turn and I really looked forward to everything that came every single little day. Sometimes things happened, but... I never really thought "Oh... I really don't want to wake up from this dream...".
Right now I've backtracked so badly it even outdoes the first half of 2008. I still love my housemates. But... there is just too much around me already. It isn't just me of course. Other friends are also being pulled down with their own problems. I do wonder was it worth it all? Is this like karma? For my own crimes and selfishness. To be too happy in one time meant that once it's gone you're beyond going back to step one. You're like in step minus 50. I can keep walking to get those steps back but... What will 2010 look like? It's scary...
"We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are."
Friday, 15 May 2009
So long as I could smile...
Mmm. I don't really know what to say about today. Guess I'll blog a step at a time. I got up pretty late. Like 6 AM (okay, that line sounds hilarious but 6 AM IS LATE if you've been up at 3 AM everyday for the past 6 days). Class was 11 AM at Caulfield. I sooo hate the Caulfield classes. I swear I will never take another unit on another campus ever again. I just can't be bothered leaving an hour earlier because of the bus. Class was meh. Nothing really. My tutor seems to be really amused with my netbook (he has never used such a small laptop before).
Went to uni. Uhh... sat around with people. Jimmy, Tom, Rachel, Brad and the usuals. I had 'Shanghai Dumplings' for lunch from the meeting point. It was terrible. And the vinegar I poured on freaked everyone around me cause of the smell (I recall Rachel's friends, Thomas Hoang and other random people wonder what in the world I was eating). My hands smelt like vinegar for ages. Dragged off with Kimmy and Alan to the K dance group. Uhh... we just messed around half the time. Lee and Alan are singlehanded the most two evil individuals ever. Harmless by themselves, but once their together... they keep tag-teaming to bully me as much as possible. Lee keeps playing dumb and acting like he can't stand being near Alan, at the same time while collaborating with the guy to steal my mobile, my mp3 player, tickle attack from both sides, lol.
Hmm. At 4 PM we went back to lunch table. Uhh... we just waited around for Amanda T. to come. Me and Alan did our thing to big Papa Sam, where we like tap him on both sides of his shoulder and start crying. It was funny, he tried to smack us. LOL. Then at 5 PM we set off for Korean BBQ! Umm... as the buses were at peak period, everyone going together was out of the question. So we had Team Sam, Team Leon and Team Amanda T. I was gonna volunteer to lead a team but then Sam gave the job to Leon! So I'm not good enough anymore, eh? T.T Team Leon took the 8-something bus to Huntingdale, Team Sam took 900 and Team Amanda took 630. I was in Sam's team but the 900 was so packed that before me and Phe could get on we were denied entry. So I was like... I got kicked off the bus. Is it cause I'm too heavy??? So I joined Amanda's group on the 630. Boo the bastards who laughed at my heavyness that I got thrown off a bus, lol.
At Huntindgale... 4 members of Leon's group including Leon himself was there. Apparently they got left behind cause two people didn't have any metcards for the train so like... they couldn't make it for the train. And the other two stayed with em'. So we all rode the train together. And everyone regrouped at Flinders! Then off to the Korean BBQ place. Umm... we had more ppl then anticipated so we had to get an extra table. I was gonna sit with Rachel, Lucy, Kim, Vince, Jeremy and everyone at first but then we got kicked off and seperated. But I got to sit with Emma, Rachel, Amanda, Rowan and Jono so it's all good. <3 I was happy that Rachel stuck with me, I dunno whether it just turned out that way or that she remembered a certain plea I made to her the night before, and stayed by my side to keep me afloat. Whatever it is, I appreciated it.
I did not eat very much. I actually felt pretty sick. But the meat was good. The people around me ordered more food but since I decided not to eat any, I just paid $9 for the meal. Some jokes that happened... uhh... Jeremy insisted that I took 15 shots and was piss drunk or something (whuut...?). I had like 5 people ask me how much I drank, what the... I don't drink, lol. I drank like 5 glasses of water is all I did. It was funny when one table broke down and Andrew Kim was like "Look! The only table that isn't working has Leon on it!" [everyone bursts out laughing]. Classic. So yeah, a lot of funny stuff basically. After that umm... when we left the venue. Amanda T. and others left for Max Brenner (which I wasn't aware of... no one told me about this T.T).
But yeah, our group went towards Harajuku Cafe. While waiting for people to get Ichipan, James Borg was harrasing random passerbys (asking random chicks for their numbers, throwing pickup lines and serenading strangers). OMG, half of us were like... yep, we dunno these people. Me and Sam escaped to BORDERS momentarily as Sam bought his weekly dose of manga, lol. Then we went back and found the others at Maccas. Uhh... I didn't do much. Since I was a bit out of it, unfortunately... I was not social enough. And yeah, I could not keep up with everyone, was out of the circle and stuffs. I just chatted to Vince at the side for an hour. Xin and Jono wanted to go to Max Brenner together but there was too many people so they came back and the three of us just went home.
Turns out Tim, Jenni and forgot who was the third person, lol... was on our train. We all went back together. I fell asleep on the train, haha. Umm.. at the bus, Vince like pointed out Akmal to me. I got off the bus and took three steps and was like... hmm.. this person.. oh, it's Winston! LOL. Tsan and Akmal and others were shopping or something. Yay, we walked back home and yeah... the day was nearing over.
The night was a bit odd. I was just MSN-ing a bit. Contemplating a bit. I went to snuggle under my blanket for a bit. And the tears... just wouldn't stop falling. But it's fine right? Cause I kept my smile up for the entire day. It's fine, right? For me to be like this at night. In my room. By myself. I'm not bothering anyone. The lonely nights spent under my cold blanket. Where no warmth is found. At least let that be where I can express what I really feel. That it all... just really hurts. But I know I can't give up, and I know I won't give up. I'll continue keeping up a smile and a laugh during the day. Because it is fun. And I need to do it for everyone else too. Because my own friends themselves all often seem to be in a lot of pain. So... I'll try my best for them too. And help them out when I can. And it may sound silly to cry every night from all the stress of keeping things up but, I think I can live like this... so, it's fine. Right? It's fine...
"I always knew looking back on my tears would bring me laughter, but I never knew looking back on my laughter would make me cry."
@Mag: FOB is fresh off boat. Meaning immigrants (assuming they used to come by boat). Yes, they were sick cartoons! D:
@Anonymous: I will assume you are K-man. Because you talk like him. I shall hit you for calling me a granny too, ya old fart~ :P
@Xin: Nah, don't worry about it. By nature, I am emotional. But I am also extremely logical if you give me the time. You just tell what you always feel like saying, let me freak out if I need to freak out and give me a few hours to contemplate and wonder what the heck I was freaking out about to begin with, lol. It happens all the time. Sadly, emotions are what ruins everything sometimes...
Went to uni. Uhh... sat around with people. Jimmy, Tom, Rachel, Brad and the usuals. I had 'Shanghai Dumplings' for lunch from the meeting point. It was terrible. And the vinegar I poured on freaked everyone around me cause of the smell (I recall Rachel's friends, Thomas Hoang and other random people wonder what in the world I was eating). My hands smelt like vinegar for ages. Dragged off with Kimmy and Alan to the K dance group. Uhh... we just messed around half the time. Lee and Alan are singlehanded the most two evil individuals ever. Harmless by themselves, but once their together... they keep tag-teaming to bully me as much as possible. Lee keeps playing dumb and acting like he can't stand being near Alan, at the same time while collaborating with the guy to steal my mobile, my mp3 player, tickle attack from both sides, lol.
Hmm. At 4 PM we went back to lunch table. Uhh... we just waited around for Amanda T. to come. Me and Alan did our thing to big Papa Sam, where we like tap him on both sides of his shoulder and start crying. It was funny, he tried to smack us. LOL. Then at 5 PM we set off for Korean BBQ! Umm... as the buses were at peak period, everyone going together was out of the question. So we had Team Sam, Team Leon and Team Amanda T. I was gonna volunteer to lead a team but then Sam gave the job to Leon! So I'm not good enough anymore, eh? T.T Team Leon took the 8-something bus to Huntingdale, Team Sam took 900 and Team Amanda took 630. I was in Sam's team but the 900 was so packed that before me and Phe could get on we were denied entry. So I was like... I got kicked off the bus. Is it cause I'm too heavy??? So I joined Amanda's group on the 630. Boo the bastards who laughed at my heavyness that I got thrown off a bus, lol.
At Huntindgale... 4 members of Leon's group including Leon himself was there. Apparently they got left behind cause two people didn't have any metcards for the train so like... they couldn't make it for the train. And the other two stayed with em'. So we all rode the train together. And everyone regrouped at Flinders! Then off to the Korean BBQ place. Umm... we had more ppl then anticipated so we had to get an extra table. I was gonna sit with Rachel, Lucy, Kim, Vince, Jeremy and everyone at first but then we got kicked off and seperated. But I got to sit with Emma, Rachel, Amanda, Rowan and Jono so it's all good. <3 I was happy that Rachel stuck with me, I dunno whether it just turned out that way or that she remembered a certain plea I made to her the night before, and stayed by my side to keep me afloat. Whatever it is, I appreciated it.
I did not eat very much. I actually felt pretty sick. But the meat was good. The people around me ordered more food but since I decided not to eat any, I just paid $9 for the meal. Some jokes that happened... uhh... Jeremy insisted that I took 15 shots and was piss drunk or something (whuut...?). I had like 5 people ask me how much I drank, what the... I don't drink, lol. I drank like 5 glasses of water is all I did. It was funny when one table broke down and Andrew Kim was like "Look! The only table that isn't working has Leon on it!" [everyone bursts out laughing]. Classic. So yeah, a lot of funny stuff basically. After that umm... when we left the venue. Amanda T. and others left for Max Brenner (which I wasn't aware of... no one told me about this T.T).
But yeah, our group went towards Harajuku Cafe. While waiting for people to get Ichipan, James Borg was harrasing random passerbys (asking random chicks for their numbers, throwing pickup lines and serenading strangers). OMG, half of us were like... yep, we dunno these people. Me and Sam escaped to BORDERS momentarily as Sam bought his weekly dose of manga, lol. Then we went back and found the others at Maccas. Uhh... I didn't do much. Since I was a bit out of it, unfortunately... I was not social enough. And yeah, I could not keep up with everyone, was out of the circle and stuffs. I just chatted to Vince at the side for an hour. Xin and Jono wanted to go to Max Brenner together but there was too many people so they came back and the three of us just went home.
Turns out Tim, Jenni and forgot who was the third person, lol... was on our train. We all went back together. I fell asleep on the train, haha. Umm.. at the bus, Vince like pointed out Akmal to me. I got off the bus and took three steps and was like... hmm.. this person.. oh, it's Winston! LOL. Tsan and Akmal and others were shopping or something. Yay, we walked back home and yeah... the day was nearing over.
The night was a bit odd. I was just MSN-ing a bit. Contemplating a bit. I went to snuggle under my blanket for a bit. And the tears... just wouldn't stop falling. But it's fine right? Cause I kept my smile up for the entire day. It's fine, right? For me to be like this at night. In my room. By myself. I'm not bothering anyone. The lonely nights spent under my cold blanket. Where no warmth is found. At least let that be where I can express what I really feel. That it all... just really hurts. But I know I can't give up, and I know I won't give up. I'll continue keeping up a smile and a laugh during the day. Because it is fun. And I need to do it for everyone else too. Because my own friends themselves all often seem to be in a lot of pain. So... I'll try my best for them too. And help them out when I can. And it may sound silly to cry every night from all the stress of keeping things up but, I think I can live like this... so, it's fine. Right? It's fine...
"I always knew looking back on my tears would bring me laughter, but I never knew looking back on my laughter would make me cry."
@Mag: FOB is fresh off boat. Meaning immigrants (assuming they used to come by boat). Yes, they were sick cartoons! D:
@Anonymous: I will assume you are K-man. Because you talk like him. I shall hit you for calling me a granny too, ya old fart~ :P
@Xin: Nah, don't worry about it. By nature, I am emotional. But I am also extremely logical if you give me the time. You just tell what you always feel like saying, let me freak out if I need to freak out and give me a few hours to contemplate and wonder what the heck I was freaking out about to begin with, lol. It happens all the time. Sadly, emotions are what ruins everything sometimes...
Thursday, 14 May 2009
Because I don't want to be weak...
Gah. I guess today would be considered one of those not so good days? I was fine until the evening where I had a 'trigger' which meant... full blown breakdown today (and once again I wasted another 3 hours of Yi Xin's time while she attempted to calm me down and it ends with us discussing various things on life - which is always fascinating).
I got up at 4 AM as I managed to turn off my alarm again without waking up. Spent the entire time working on notes for my two hour tutorial at 9 AM. Went to class and all. Uhh... I did not talk very much. My work was all for waste. Bah. I know I fail. I sort of came to a realisation today that I really am rather deficient in semi-formal improvised speech. I can do it rather easily with a keyboard, but I can't process things into spoken words. Makes me a poor teacher and a poor public speaker. I need to work on that. I need to be able to just whing it. But... I panic when I know I need to make an introduction to a presentation or something. I can read off paper fine though but anyone can do that...
I found it amusing that one time, the teacher like made everyone write derogatory terms onto postit notes then stuck one on our heads. I got "Inbred" on mine. Meaning incest. Someone wrote FOB and a lot of people didn't know what a FOB was. I LOL-ed at this. I mean, I've been called FOB since my first year in Australia! It's hilarious when they were talking about it. Saying how it is so commonly used does it really matter? I would say it doens't, but I would say that it does matter to international students like myself who just came to this country. So stop throwing it around sometimes. I honestly don't care now but I know some do. I mean, it's usual for any country to have their countrymen dislike the idea behind immigrants / foreigners. My mum dislikes them too in Brunei (claims the increased crime rate in Brunei over the past 15 years was due to immigrants - since these days Brunei has like murders and stuff, in the past that was unheard of apparently... but ironically, the murders I'm pretty sure were done by actual Bruneians so I don't see how this theory adds up...).
Lecture was meh. Then short 20 minute group meeting for EDF3009. Then I went home for 20 minutes to each lunch (I left lunch at home so like... I decided to just go back. Don't feel like spending monies). Tutorial at 1 PM. It was just more discussion. I tend to talk in that class as it is in small groups.
Umm... lunch table time. Let's see, me and Vince was tortured to death as we sat through 31 minutes of SOME RETARDED STICK MAN FLASH VIDEO. 31 effin' minutes of watching stick men kill each other in vaguely the same way for no apparent reason. Every millisecond could I feel a braincell burning away. We were forced by Andrew Kim and Kai Lun. *le sighs* Vince watched it just so he could get help from Kai Lun on the IT assignment all the MHS IT guys are doing. I don't know why I sat through it. To prove that I can (while Rachel had run away!!!) I just sat around talking and stuffs today. Watched a bit of eppy one of Shugo Chara! with Rachel and Kimmy~
The memorable thing? OMG. Vince forced me, Tom and Yi Xin to watch HAPPY TREE FRIENDS. I've never seen it before! IT IS HORRIFIC! HORRRRRIFIC. I was screaming and screaming my head off in the campus centre. Like literally! And people like Tom and I think it was Leon or someone each grabbed me once to shove me in front of the screen. Tom and Vince are sadistic! They were both laughing their heads off. And Khanat was going all "OMG!!! OMG!!!" The Moose guy had one leg stuck under a tree! He used a SPOON to cut off his leg all night. Only to realise it was the WRONG LEG he stabbed to nothingness! Gahhh. And the other video where the animals died one by one and was all skewered in the end. OMG. I went home with Yi Xin in a hurry cause I didn't want to watch anymore!! GAHHHHHH. @.@
And now the emo part of the post. So, I found out a couple of things this evening. About... well, what the group of us will be doing tomorrow. Now, I actually thought I was told this at the wrong time cause I was fuming on the way home. Because a CERTAIN SOMEONE who I won't name had the nerve to tease me about things in uni, publically, about things that HAVE BEEN HURTING ME. BADLY. I don't know what is funny at all. I would like to see people laughing when it happens to them. Cause it isn't funny. And I'm not laughing. Oh yeah, this is all just one big joke! Oh what fun. The intelligence of some individuals are absolutely apalling. I know I'm not exactly the smartest chip on the block (as can be easily concluded) but I'm at least very aware and sensitive to the feelings of others (aka empathy). To a decent extent. And to offensively ridicule someone over what they have been through, and is still attempting to recover from. Ridiculous. Believe me. If things were funny, I would be laughing. You don't see me laughing at everyone else who is trying their best, do you?
So let's ignore and forget that. Then I was told the interesting news. My most initial reaction was... run away. We walked home in silence, then near the door I had my usual breakdown. Crying outside the house for a while before asking if I could continue crying inside instead, lol. And yeah it sort of went on for ages. I mean we were talking about stuffs quite often too. I don't really know what to think if you ask me. Actually, I don't even know why I cried. Cause there isn't anything to cry about. I think it was just built up stress (cause I haven't cried for a week or two, well last week doesn't count cause I cried for a different reason - my failing a unit) so I guess it is built up stress. I thought about it more logically and it really made no sense what I was upset about? I think I was just pissed off already cause of what happened earlier, then to be told even more stuff was icing on the cake.
Out of stuffs I said I think I was crying out of tiredness. Cause I was mumbling how being like this isn't how I want to be. Don't wanna waste anymore time. It's tiring anyway. Just wanna sit around and laugh. Without reserve. I think that is the keyword here. One can easily smile and laugh. Without reserve... without something dragging them behind. That's the hard part. But then, if you asked me... I can look into a lot of people's eyes and I can easily see. There is something behind their smiles that look even more fake then me... but meh, life is life. Obviously everyone has something dragging them down. I can go through my memory and quite frankly I would like to forget half the stuff that happened to me in the past 15 years too. LOL. But meh, standard drama of life. It's why I always said anyway. I'm just naturally weak. Cause everyone else has something worse and look at them. They're awesome. But then again I also know that you should never compare yourself to anyone else. If we fought over who had a more difficult life it would be absolutely stupid. And I can't stand it when I hear people mumbling about how their life is so much more difficult then mine. Wow, good for you.
So meh... it took me a while but I decided I won't run. I was gonna run. And not go to Korean BBQ (no one will be at home tomorrow though, so it will be rather depressing). Then I was like... oh. I recall telling several people today I'm gonna come tomorrow. Wait... how do I run away now? O.o It makes me happy to know that... there are gonna be a few people around who will actually notice I'm missing! But that's also like, oh crap. I can't run. Gah. Was told by like... say two people. To not run. Just face it. To stop running. I think some people take the just run and ignore tactic for an extended period of time. I thought it would work well enough. But I dunno, I'm looking around and I don't see some people recovering at all. It's not a recovery if you can't stay normal once you run into that person you're trying to avoid. Even after 5 months or 6 months. I know I don't wanna be like that after 6 months. =.=
I remember someone telling me that two people actively ignoring each other in a group of supposed friends is one of the most childish things ever. I got called childish by someone younger then me. It's rather funny. Probably true. But funny. I recalled a conversation I had with a certain individual. From months ago. That if two people are fighting, it takes that one person to drop their pride and take that first step down for them to have the chance to get along again. Or something like that. I just find there's a lot of irony happening there. Heh. So much irony.
Well, that's enough. Now let's hope I stick with what I decided upon! Will have fun, tomorrow will be fun. There's like 30 of us so it should be cool. Hehe. Yeah, it was 7 PM by the time I left Xin's room. Oh yeah, I was cooking dinner today! Gahh. I made minced chicken and spinach pasta bake! Xin cooked Jia Chee's cheese mushroom thing and Jia Chee took leftover pasta I had and added chilli to it, lol. It was alright-ish. Then we sat around after dinner bullying Thomas. Uhh... we were trying to teach him Chinese. In different dialects. His pronounciation for someone who has never spoken Chinese is really good. A lot better then those people in Chinese 1, lol. Then the funniest part was explaining to him how "Manglish" works. So like, "can ah?" is a question while "can lah" is a statement... "can kua" is a yeah it's possible sort of thing. It isn't as funny typed up since words have punctuation. Speaking the difference between can ah, can lah and can kua was really funny. I didn't do much else at night. Slept early again, haha. Won't wake up at 3 AM for once! As I have no work for tomorrow for once.
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
@Anonymous: I know that, haha. So who are you again? :P I thought you were K-man but he was like... no, lol.
@Les: I hated injections in high school. I got stabbed in the wrong places too. Gah. But I think there are still 3 boosters. I dunno about it now though, as for the injections the rules change a bit when someone over 18 takes it. I think. I know they are still supposed to though. I think it's only when you're over 26 that it doens't take much affect anymore.
@Yi Xin: LONG LOST FRIENDS! But...but... it's so much fun to have long lost friends! Hehe. Injection... kowaiii!!! And yeah, it's like hair salons to me. I will run away if I'm on my own.
@Mag: Haha. Orlando was... certainly very interesting. Good luck with your work too! Haven't spoken to you all week. But your FB is telling me that you're busy with works and stuff. And it is weird how it's summer for you and winter for me. But like, I bet England's summers can't even be that hot, right? o.o Although the world's weather is getting messed up lately.
I got up at 4 AM as I managed to turn off my alarm again without waking up. Spent the entire time working on notes for my two hour tutorial at 9 AM. Went to class and all. Uhh... I did not talk very much. My work was all for waste. Bah. I know I fail. I sort of came to a realisation today that I really am rather deficient in semi-formal improvised speech. I can do it rather easily with a keyboard, but I can't process things into spoken words. Makes me a poor teacher and a poor public speaker. I need to work on that. I need to be able to just whing it. But... I panic when I know I need to make an introduction to a presentation or something. I can read off paper fine though but anyone can do that...
I found it amusing that one time, the teacher like made everyone write derogatory terms onto postit notes then stuck one on our heads. I got "Inbred" on mine. Meaning incest. Someone wrote FOB and a lot of people didn't know what a FOB was. I LOL-ed at this. I mean, I've been called FOB since my first year in Australia! It's hilarious when they were talking about it. Saying how it is so commonly used does it really matter? I would say it doens't, but I would say that it does matter to international students like myself who just came to this country. So stop throwing it around sometimes. I honestly don't care now but I know some do. I mean, it's usual for any country to have their countrymen dislike the idea behind immigrants / foreigners. My mum dislikes them too in Brunei (claims the increased crime rate in Brunei over the past 15 years was due to immigrants - since these days Brunei has like murders and stuff, in the past that was unheard of apparently... but ironically, the murders I'm pretty sure were done by actual Bruneians so I don't see how this theory adds up...).
Lecture was meh. Then short 20 minute group meeting for EDF3009. Then I went home for 20 minutes to each lunch (I left lunch at home so like... I decided to just go back. Don't feel like spending monies). Tutorial at 1 PM. It was just more discussion. I tend to talk in that class as it is in small groups.
Umm... lunch table time. Let's see, me and Vince was tortured to death as we sat through 31 minutes of SOME RETARDED STICK MAN FLASH VIDEO. 31 effin' minutes of watching stick men kill each other in vaguely the same way for no apparent reason. Every millisecond could I feel a braincell burning away. We were forced by Andrew Kim and Kai Lun. *le sighs* Vince watched it just so he could get help from Kai Lun on the IT assignment all the MHS IT guys are doing. I don't know why I sat through it. To prove that I can (while Rachel had run away!!!) I just sat around talking and stuffs today. Watched a bit of eppy one of Shugo Chara! with Rachel and Kimmy~
The memorable thing? OMG. Vince forced me, Tom and Yi Xin to watch HAPPY TREE FRIENDS. I've never seen it before! IT IS HORRIFIC! HORRRRRIFIC. I was screaming and screaming my head off in the campus centre. Like literally! And people like Tom and I think it was Leon or someone each grabbed me once to shove me in front of the screen. Tom and Vince are sadistic! They were both laughing their heads off. And Khanat was going all "OMG!!! OMG!!!" The Moose guy had one leg stuck under a tree! He used a SPOON to cut off his leg all night. Only to realise it was the WRONG LEG he stabbed to nothingness! Gahhh. And the other video where the animals died one by one and was all skewered in the end. OMG. I went home with Yi Xin in a hurry cause I didn't want to watch anymore!! GAHHHHHH. @.@
And now the emo part of the post. So, I found out a couple of things this evening. About... well, what the group of us will be doing tomorrow. Now, I actually thought I was told this at the wrong time cause I was fuming on the way home. Because a CERTAIN SOMEONE who I won't name had the nerve to tease me about things in uni, publically, about things that HAVE BEEN HURTING ME. BADLY. I don't know what is funny at all. I would like to see people laughing when it happens to them. Cause it isn't funny. And I'm not laughing. Oh yeah, this is all just one big joke! Oh what fun. The intelligence of some individuals are absolutely apalling. I know I'm not exactly the smartest chip on the block (as can be easily concluded) but I'm at least very aware and sensitive to the feelings of others (aka empathy). To a decent extent. And to offensively ridicule someone over what they have been through, and is still attempting to recover from. Ridiculous. Believe me. If things were funny, I would be laughing. You don't see me laughing at everyone else who is trying their best, do you?
So let's ignore and forget that. Then I was told the interesting news. My most initial reaction was... run away. We walked home in silence, then near the door I had my usual breakdown. Crying outside the house for a while before asking if I could continue crying inside instead, lol. And yeah it sort of went on for ages. I mean we were talking about stuffs quite often too. I don't really know what to think if you ask me. Actually, I don't even know why I cried. Cause there isn't anything to cry about. I think it was just built up stress (cause I haven't cried for a week or two, well last week doesn't count cause I cried for a different reason - my failing a unit) so I guess it is built up stress. I thought about it more logically and it really made no sense what I was upset about? I think I was just pissed off already cause of what happened earlier, then to be told even more stuff was icing on the cake.
Out of stuffs I said I think I was crying out of tiredness. Cause I was mumbling how being like this isn't how I want to be. Don't wanna waste anymore time. It's tiring anyway. Just wanna sit around and laugh. Without reserve. I think that is the keyword here. One can easily smile and laugh. Without reserve... without something dragging them behind. That's the hard part. But then, if you asked me... I can look into a lot of people's eyes and I can easily see. There is something behind their smiles that look even more fake then me... but meh, life is life. Obviously everyone has something dragging them down. I can go through my memory and quite frankly I would like to forget half the stuff that happened to me in the past 15 years too. LOL. But meh, standard drama of life. It's why I always said anyway. I'm just naturally weak. Cause everyone else has something worse and look at them. They're awesome. But then again I also know that you should never compare yourself to anyone else. If we fought over who had a more difficult life it would be absolutely stupid. And I can't stand it when I hear people mumbling about how their life is so much more difficult then mine. Wow, good for you.
So meh... it took me a while but I decided I won't run. I was gonna run. And not go to Korean BBQ (no one will be at home tomorrow though, so it will be rather depressing). Then I was like... oh. I recall telling several people today I'm gonna come tomorrow. Wait... how do I run away now? O.o It makes me happy to know that... there are gonna be a few people around who will actually notice I'm missing! But that's also like, oh crap. I can't run. Gah. Was told by like... say two people. To not run. Just face it. To stop running. I think some people take the just run and ignore tactic for an extended period of time. I thought it would work well enough. But I dunno, I'm looking around and I don't see some people recovering at all. It's not a recovery if you can't stay normal once you run into that person you're trying to avoid. Even after 5 months or 6 months. I know I don't wanna be like that after 6 months. =.=
I remember someone telling me that two people actively ignoring each other in a group of supposed friends is one of the most childish things ever. I got called childish by someone younger then me. It's rather funny. Probably true. But funny. I recalled a conversation I had with a certain individual. From months ago. That if two people are fighting, it takes that one person to drop their pride and take that first step down for them to have the chance to get along again. Or something like that. I just find there's a lot of irony happening there. Heh. So much irony.
Well, that's enough. Now let's hope I stick with what I decided upon! Will have fun, tomorrow will be fun. There's like 30 of us so it should be cool. Hehe. Yeah, it was 7 PM by the time I left Xin's room. Oh yeah, I was cooking dinner today! Gahh. I made minced chicken and spinach pasta bake! Xin cooked Jia Chee's cheese mushroom thing and Jia Chee took leftover pasta I had and added chilli to it, lol. It was alright-ish. Then we sat around after dinner bullying Thomas. Uhh... we were trying to teach him Chinese. In different dialects. His pronounciation for someone who has never spoken Chinese is really good. A lot better then those people in Chinese 1, lol. Then the funniest part was explaining to him how "Manglish" works. So like, "can ah?" is a question while "can lah" is a statement... "can kua" is a yeah it's possible sort of thing. It isn't as funny typed up since words have punctuation. Speaking the difference between can ah, can lah and can kua was really funny. I didn't do much else at night. Slept early again, haha. Won't wake up at 3 AM for once! As I have no work for tomorrow for once.
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
@Anonymous: I know that, haha. So who are you again? :P I thought you were K-man but he was like... no, lol.
@Les: I hated injections in high school. I got stabbed in the wrong places too. Gah. But I think there are still 3 boosters. I dunno about it now though, as for the injections the rules change a bit when someone over 18 takes it. I think. I know they are still supposed to though. I think it's only when you're over 26 that it doens't take much affect anymore.
@Yi Xin: LONG LOST FRIENDS! But...but... it's so much fun to have long lost friends! Hehe. Injection... kowaiii!!! And yeah, it's like hair salons to me. I will run away if I'm on my own.
@Mag: Haha. Orlando was... certainly very interesting. Good luck with your work too! Haven't spoken to you all week. But your FB is telling me that you're busy with works and stuff. And it is weird how it's summer for you and winter for me. But like, I bet England's summers can't even be that hot, right? o.o Although the world's weather is getting messed up lately.
Wednesday, 13 May 2009
It's cold.... it's cold....
IT'S COLD! COLD I TELL YOU! *sobs* Okay, today. Uhh... I was relatively in good spirits in the morning. So, that was good. That's always good. Especially when it is the morning. I normally struggle the most during the morning so when I can wake up in good spirits it's such a huge step for me. Went for Caulfield classes at 9 AM. Watched Orlando in film class. What a WTF movie. The basis of Orlando is that in the 1600's you have this man, Orlando... and he doesn't age. And has relationships with people and stuff (women). Then in 1750 he becomes a woman. Then starts having sex with men! And it sort of ends there after an hour and a half movie. I was like.... okay. Uhh... no... I didn't stay for the lecture after, lol.
Back to uni early. Umm... I sat around with Tom, James and them for a bit. As usual, they bully me, lol. I ate lunch (suprisingly) in MUISS today. With Serene and Raine. Me and Raine were heading somewhere (secret) and we ran into Kriz and Phe-chan. Phe-chan went off to lunch tables while Kriz accompanied me and Raine to our secret destination (for a number of reasons I cannot disclose where we went, lol). After that... umm... off to screenings! Phe was mean as usual and was like... "You can't leave for screenings until the clock says 1:00 PM". No way am I doing that! He keeps doing that as he is making fun of my remaining "President"-ness. My need to go early somewhere to setup / prepare.
Screenings was EPIC! Okay, first episode was Rideback. Some mecha... motorbike... ballet thingy. WTF factor. Next screening was Tower of Druaga! EPIC! The first episode was a parody / joke episode. The guy's dream. Parodying traditional RPG themes. Oh man, we were laughing our heads off in my little group at the front (we're a pretty noisy group, lol. We always kept laughing even when no one else laughs cause we have people in our group making random commentaries on even serious stuffs~). Group meaning like me, Rachel, Kimmy, Alan, Lee, Andrew Kim, Lawrence, Lucy, Stanny, Vince, Jeremy and etc. I was like yelling out "OMG!! THIS IS EPIC!!!" a few times. Heh. I am loving screenings now that I actually get to watch anime. And sit with Rachel, Kim and the group. It's lots of fun!
Funny part of screening. Uhh.. second anime the sound went funny midway. The volume thingy kept popping up and blocking screen. So we had a delay. During the delay...
Everyone: It's all Leon's fault!!!
[Leon goes to front of room to try to fix with Sam]
Jeremy: Leon, get a haircut!
ROFL!!! Best most epic line ever!!! (Unless ppl dunno, Leon has recently chopped off all his hair and doesn't even look like himself anymore). And we've been giving him hell about it.
After that. Uhh... dance practice with Kimmy, Lee and Alan. I'm falling behind a bit. Cause I don't practice as much and I'm not as talented as Kimmy / Lee in dance (and Alan who practices a lot, I know). Well that and I have the dantai too... After Lee and Alan left Yi Xin came and practiced a bit! Then we went to lunch table. Not much there. Sat and chatted with Mel, Yi Xin and Jess. Apparently maybe Yi Xin and Mel are LONG LOST FRIENDS? As their dads worked in the same company in Malaysia 10 years ago! Then we went home. The IT group was like doing their assignment for Friday so that might be why lunch was rather dull. Vince left his car at my house but I guess they were working hard so I didn't bother waiting for him, lol.
Yay, went home and just chatted with the lovely housemates for hours. About girly topics and girly health (cerival cancer injection! Yay, we're all gonna get it!!! ... oh crap. @.@ I have fear of needles...). Then I was trying to make lunch for tomorrow but oh noes! Gas stove wasn't working. Okay. A bit later. Why doesn't the sink ever have hot water? What the... oh there is no hot water in the house! The central heater doens't ever turn on. Oh crap. We're cold. We're cold. There's no gas in the house. T.T Did they forget to pay the bill?
As Joanne couldn't cook dinner as she wanted, we had oven food! Oven-ed fish, potato gems, garlic bread and vegetables! Dessert was choco mantou, cookies and donuts. Xin was telling everyone the mantou joke. Oh, it's lame. Beyond lame. And hilarious! Night was MSN, working on work (more then I imagine for tomorrow) and be being sleepy in general (the 3 AM wake ups are starting to take its toll). Gotta try my best. Musn't fail, mustn' fail!
"Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best."
Back to uni early. Umm... I sat around with Tom, James and them for a bit. As usual, they bully me, lol. I ate lunch (suprisingly) in MUISS today. With Serene and Raine. Me and Raine were heading somewhere (secret) and we ran into Kriz and Phe-chan. Phe-chan went off to lunch tables while Kriz accompanied me and Raine to our secret destination (for a number of reasons I cannot disclose where we went, lol). After that... umm... off to screenings! Phe was mean as usual and was like... "You can't leave for screenings until the clock says 1:00 PM". No way am I doing that! He keeps doing that as he is making fun of my remaining "President"-ness. My need to go early somewhere to setup / prepare.
Screenings was EPIC! Okay, first episode was Rideback. Some mecha... motorbike... ballet thingy. WTF factor. Next screening was Tower of Druaga! EPIC! The first episode was a parody / joke episode. The guy's dream. Parodying traditional RPG themes. Oh man, we were laughing our heads off in my little group at the front (we're a pretty noisy group, lol. We always kept laughing even when no one else laughs cause we have people in our group making random commentaries on even serious stuffs~). Group meaning like me, Rachel, Kimmy, Alan, Lee, Andrew Kim, Lawrence, Lucy, Stanny, Vince, Jeremy and etc. I was like yelling out "OMG!! THIS IS EPIC!!!" a few times. Heh. I am loving screenings now that I actually get to watch anime. And sit with Rachel, Kim and the group. It's lots of fun!
Funny part of screening. Uhh.. second anime the sound went funny midway. The volume thingy kept popping up and blocking screen. So we had a delay. During the delay...
Everyone: It's all Leon's fault!!!
[Leon goes to front of room to try to fix with Sam]
Jeremy: Leon, get a haircut!
ROFL!!! Best most epic line ever!!! (Unless ppl dunno, Leon has recently chopped off all his hair and doesn't even look like himself anymore). And we've been giving him hell about it.
After that. Uhh... dance practice with Kimmy, Lee and Alan. I'm falling behind a bit. Cause I don't practice as much and I'm not as talented as Kimmy / Lee in dance (and Alan who practices a lot, I know). Well that and I have the dantai too... After Lee and Alan left Yi Xin came and practiced a bit! Then we went to lunch table. Not much there. Sat and chatted with Mel, Yi Xin and Jess. Apparently maybe Yi Xin and Mel are LONG LOST FRIENDS? As their dads worked in the same company in Malaysia 10 years ago! Then we went home. The IT group was like doing their assignment for Friday so that might be why lunch was rather dull. Vince left his car at my house but I guess they were working hard so I didn't bother waiting for him, lol.
Yay, went home and just chatted with the lovely housemates for hours. About girly topics and girly health (cerival cancer injection! Yay, we're all gonna get it!!! ... oh crap. @.@ I have fear of needles...). Then I was trying to make lunch for tomorrow but oh noes! Gas stove wasn't working. Okay. A bit later. Why doesn't the sink ever have hot water? What the... oh there is no hot water in the house! The central heater doens't ever turn on. Oh crap. We're cold. We're cold. There's no gas in the house. T.T Did they forget to pay the bill?
As Joanne couldn't cook dinner as she wanted, we had oven food! Oven-ed fish, potato gems, garlic bread and vegetables! Dessert was choco mantou, cookies and donuts. Xin was telling everyone the mantou joke. Oh, it's lame. Beyond lame. And hilarious! Night was MSN, working on work (more then I imagine for tomorrow) and be being sleepy in general (the 3 AM wake ups are starting to take its toll). Gotta try my best. Musn't fail, mustn' fail!
"Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best."
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
Many emotions in the ocean...
A bit of a mixed day. Started out bad as usual. I continued my waking up at 3:30 AM-ism, but I think I may stop that soon. My sleeping time is getting increasingly earlier. It's now 9 PM and I'm really tired. I fell asleep at like 10 PM yesterday, lol. I should be sleeping at 12 AM or later, not 10 PM. I think I should go back to my 12 - 5 sleeping hours. Uhh... yeah, the morning. I felt really ill. Really lost. And yeah, a repeat of my post from yesterday which I won't bother rambling about again. I need to iron out these emotions. There is no point in having them. Because having them won't do me any good. Nor will they mean anything. They are just wasted emotions... wasted on the wrong person, on the wrong situation, the wrong time and wasting life. I still think I'm being incredibly stupid. But damn, KNOWING something and feeling it is two different things. I know I should say "Who the fuck cares anymore!" and that makes perfect sense to my mind. But mind and body is two different things, eh? I can say "I don't fucking care..." and mean it but still be able to feel my legs shaking when I'm just standing at the road waiting for the lights to let me pass. A greater conviction calls for greater reinforcement.
I finished writing my presentation notes nearer to 8 PM, then had lunch at 11 hobbling off to uni by 12 PM! I was in the computer labs trying to print my lecture notes but like... the printer was broken or something in the campus centre. And I couldn't be bothered going to another building. So meh, forget it. I went to the student services centre to update my OSHC healthcare as it expires tomorrow. Then lunch table. Which was empty. Everyone... went to Springvale apparently. To eat food. And left me behind. Apparently they left 10 minutes before I got there. Boo!
There wasn't much to do so I just went to my lecture on disability and giftedness. It wasn't as informative as I imagined. I like the guest lecturer's activity though. He read out instructions with words not intelligble by us, stating that language disability may deter from a students learning in this manner. We had to draw according to his 'instructions' but only 1 person in the room got their picture to be vaguely what it should be. Since he wasn't really reading much in English, just gibberish. After this, went to lunch table. Still no one there. Bah. Just talked to Tom a bit and James Lau. Uhh... then went to dantai practice with Phe-chan, Eloise, Jono and crew. It was just a normal session. Oh, something funny was that umm... I messaged Rachel when she was coming back from Springvale. Then like, the predictive text on my mobile changed Springvale to Sprinkles, I sent it unknowingly. I thought Rachel was just a weirdo when she replied with "Lol sprinkles!!!". Everyone was laughing, haha.
I was all nervous during dantai practice about my presentation. Vince was trying to get me to read it out but we all know that isn't happening, lol. I left near to 4 PM and I hoped to go first. In the end I went last. But! It went well. I just read everything out. And by the time it was my turn everyone in class was sort of tired to talk so I didn't generate as much discussion. But some people thought I brought up interesting points that can really be looked into with more research! So I was happy. Because I have no been praised in the academic sense for very long. I'm normally the stupid lil' Celine ya know. Who is failing one unit. Barely getting 50% for the other three. Just not something I'm used to cause like... I used to get HD's... and I always did fairly well in high school (I mean people used to treat me like the 'smart' person, I wasn't really... was only ever good with computers and Business Studies). But yeah... if I try hard... I can do it right? I can do it... right? I can... do it. I just need to try. I need to try to get a D or higher on my 2 60% and 2 50% papers due in the next 5 weeks. That's like over 10000 words to write. I'll start on it this week! I need to do this... for all the time I've made up. I sort of refuse to fail so badly considering how much it costs me to stay here.
And I don't think I can do summer because there are no units offered useful to me. So yeah... staying here for an extra half a year isn't happening. I can't afford it. Musn't fail... musn't fail...
Went back to lunch table after class. No one is around suprisingly. I saw William at the library and he was asking me where everyone was. I dunno, lol. Apparently everyone dispersed after a fire alarm. At home... I baked more cookies. Cause I needed cookies to eat. I bought mousse today which I shouldn't of. But I wanted a chocolate dessert. Dinner was Bah Kuh Teh! Yi Xin cooked Bah Kuh Teh! Hehehe. It was good. And veggies. Yum yum yum. After dinner I did not do much. The net was just crap. MSN-ed a bit. MSN-ed on my mobile a bit. Then I just fell asleep after that near to 10:30 PM I thinks. It was a day of mixed emotions. But generally a positive day. I need to just try and think positive. Hehe. Everything will work out in the end! So long as I try.
"Blessed is he who has learned to admire but not envy, to follow but not imitate, to praise but not flatter, and to lead but not manipulate."
I finished writing my presentation notes nearer to 8 PM, then had lunch at 11 hobbling off to uni by 12 PM! I was in the computer labs trying to print my lecture notes but like... the printer was broken or something in the campus centre. And I couldn't be bothered going to another building. So meh, forget it. I went to the student services centre to update my OSHC healthcare as it expires tomorrow. Then lunch table. Which was empty. Everyone... went to Springvale apparently. To eat food. And left me behind. Apparently they left 10 minutes before I got there. Boo!
There wasn't much to do so I just went to my lecture on disability and giftedness. It wasn't as informative as I imagined. I like the guest lecturer's activity though. He read out instructions with words not intelligble by us, stating that language disability may deter from a students learning in this manner. We had to draw according to his 'instructions' but only 1 person in the room got their picture to be vaguely what it should be. Since he wasn't really reading much in English, just gibberish. After this, went to lunch table. Still no one there. Bah. Just talked to Tom a bit and James Lau. Uhh... then went to dantai practice with Phe-chan, Eloise, Jono and crew. It was just a normal session. Oh, something funny was that umm... I messaged Rachel when she was coming back from Springvale. Then like, the predictive text on my mobile changed Springvale to Sprinkles, I sent it unknowingly. I thought Rachel was just a weirdo when she replied with "Lol sprinkles!!!". Everyone was laughing, haha.
I was all nervous during dantai practice about my presentation. Vince was trying to get me to read it out but we all know that isn't happening, lol. I left near to 4 PM and I hoped to go first. In the end I went last. But! It went well. I just read everything out. And by the time it was my turn everyone in class was sort of tired to talk so I didn't generate as much discussion. But some people thought I brought up interesting points that can really be looked into with more research! So I was happy. Because I have no been praised in the academic sense for very long. I'm normally the stupid lil' Celine ya know. Who is failing one unit. Barely getting 50% for the other three. Just not something I'm used to cause like... I used to get HD's... and I always did fairly well in high school (I mean people used to treat me like the 'smart' person, I wasn't really... was only ever good with computers and Business Studies). But yeah... if I try hard... I can do it right? I can do it... right? I can... do it. I just need to try. I need to try to get a D or higher on my 2 60% and 2 50% papers due in the next 5 weeks. That's like over 10000 words to write. I'll start on it this week! I need to do this... for all the time I've made up. I sort of refuse to fail so badly considering how much it costs me to stay here.
And I don't think I can do summer because there are no units offered useful to me. So yeah... staying here for an extra half a year isn't happening. I can't afford it. Musn't fail... musn't fail...
Went back to lunch table after class. No one is around suprisingly. I saw William at the library and he was asking me where everyone was. I dunno, lol. Apparently everyone dispersed after a fire alarm. At home... I baked more cookies. Cause I needed cookies to eat. I bought mousse today which I shouldn't of. But I wanted a chocolate dessert. Dinner was Bah Kuh Teh! Yi Xin cooked Bah Kuh Teh! Hehehe. It was good. And veggies. Yum yum yum. After dinner I did not do much. The net was just crap. MSN-ed a bit. MSN-ed on my mobile a bit. Then I just fell asleep after that near to 10:30 PM I thinks. It was a day of mixed emotions. But generally a positive day. I need to just try and think positive. Hehe. Everything will work out in the end! So long as I try.
"Blessed is he who has learned to admire but not envy, to follow but not imitate, to praise but not flatter, and to lead but not manipulate."
Monday, 11 May 2009
If only time ceased to exist...
I don't know why. Everyone always said time would heal everything. That everything would have been forgotten with time. It's true, everyone else has forgotten. Everything else is a thing of the past. Over and done with. So... why is it that I'm still standing here, feeling as though everything was just yesterday? Am hating myself for being so stupid at times. I wonder when my time would start moving again?
I got up at 3:30 AM again. I spent a good half hour talking to Xin about things on MSN (who has stayed up really late). On our upcoming holiday and stuffs. Near 6 AM, I took a short 40 minute nap. I didn't really fall asleep. I was not planning to nap but I got really emo again near to 6 AM, and I could no longer beat to sit upright. The heart just really hurt. Like, there were no tears. I didn't even feel all that sad. I really didn't. I just needed to hide under my blanket and pillow though. I noticed yesterday when I walked home from uni how while standing at the traffic light my legs were literally shaking. Because I was wondering why the floor was moving, then I realised it's just me. Not the floor. And I wondered why my legs were shaking so much. It wasn't even cold. I did the bad thing in the morning of just reminscing. The more I do that the more things just hurt. And the more aware it makes me of the current reality. The current reality is great right now, I am proudly walking through it. Just that I'm walking through it with something still chained to me... dragging me down, and while I can keep going, it is taking longer then it should, it is hurting me as I get further down the path, as I spend more time with this chain. But I know I can't give up, cause if I do I won't be able to get anywhere.
I spent the morning on my presentation for tomorrow then went to uni near 12 PM. No dance practice as Jono didn't come. Spent my entire afternoon with Rachel, Vince, Stan and a few others depending on the time. Joking about stuffs, talking crap, talking about anime and whatever else. Nearer to 4 PM a lady came by to our lunch table, telling us that there was free food in the banquet hall. Khanat yelled out FREE FOOD! and just ran for it. With a lot of people following after him like as though their lives depended on it. I was like... oh, this is how poor the anime club people are. Everyone went and nom nom nom, gobbled all the foods down. There were muffins, quiche, sandwiches, spring rolls and stuffs.
After that we went to maccas shortly after. I brought bubble tea earlier in the morning so I was out of monies but I got treated to oreo McFlurry so yay~ hehe. I came home and yay, DINNER!. Jia Chee cooked fried chicken rice today, with help from Sha and Sha's yummy vegetables. I slept pretty early, past 10 PM. I don't really feel like blogging it anymore, I felt too sick to sit upright and do my work. It just hurt too much. It's a dumb feeling on my part, to still think stuff like "Oh... if that one hour just disappeared... everything would have been so different" and all that. Or for me to remember how emo I was during the summer holidays because I missed someone that badly. So badly it was killing me. And to never see that person again even when I did return to Aus. To miss so many things the only thing I could do was hide under my blanket. As there is no where else for me to go. Asking myself... "Why didn't time stop when I wanted it to?". It has been months already, if I think about it - if I include the summer holidays - nearing 6 months. Since I left Aus in November. And I told my friend, yeah... to everyone it has been months. To everyone it is something long forgotten, a thing of the past. To me everything felt like yesterday because time hasn't actually affected me much at all. Gah, so much for letting go and moving on. Well, it's my own weakness. Gotta figure it out somehow myself, eh? Dunno... right now I guess I should just focus on handing in all those 50% - 60% I have (I have 4 of them in the next 4 weeks). I already failed one unit, I need to pass the other three at least or I'm really beyond dead.
I am getting annoyed at my concentration though. I can't seem to concentrate long enough to get any useful work done. Mind just wanders too much. *sighs* Or I just feel ill. Bah. *goes to get her presentation finish* Should of did this like 2 days ago...
"To the world you may be just somebody, but to somebody you may just be the world."
I got up at 3:30 AM again. I spent a good half hour talking to Xin about things on MSN (who has stayed up really late). On our upcoming holiday and stuffs. Near 6 AM, I took a short 40 minute nap. I didn't really fall asleep. I was not planning to nap but I got really emo again near to 6 AM, and I could no longer beat to sit upright. The heart just really hurt. Like, there were no tears. I didn't even feel all that sad. I really didn't. I just needed to hide under my blanket and pillow though. I noticed yesterday when I walked home from uni how while standing at the traffic light my legs were literally shaking. Because I was wondering why the floor was moving, then I realised it's just me. Not the floor. And I wondered why my legs were shaking so much. It wasn't even cold. I did the bad thing in the morning of just reminscing. The more I do that the more things just hurt. And the more aware it makes me of the current reality. The current reality is great right now, I am proudly walking through it. Just that I'm walking through it with something still chained to me... dragging me down, and while I can keep going, it is taking longer then it should, it is hurting me as I get further down the path, as I spend more time with this chain. But I know I can't give up, cause if I do I won't be able to get anywhere.
I spent the morning on my presentation for tomorrow then went to uni near 12 PM. No dance practice as Jono didn't come. Spent my entire afternoon with Rachel, Vince, Stan and a few others depending on the time. Joking about stuffs, talking crap, talking about anime and whatever else. Nearer to 4 PM a lady came by to our lunch table, telling us that there was free food in the banquet hall. Khanat yelled out FREE FOOD! and just ran for it. With a lot of people following after him like as though their lives depended on it. I was like... oh, this is how poor the anime club people are. Everyone went and nom nom nom, gobbled all the foods down. There were muffins, quiche, sandwiches, spring rolls and stuffs.
After that we went to maccas shortly after. I brought bubble tea earlier in the morning so I was out of monies but I got treated to oreo McFlurry so yay~ hehe. I came home and yay, DINNER!. Jia Chee cooked fried chicken rice today, with help from Sha and Sha's yummy vegetables. I slept pretty early, past 10 PM. I don't really feel like blogging it anymore, I felt too sick to sit upright and do my work. It just hurt too much. It's a dumb feeling on my part, to still think stuff like "Oh... if that one hour just disappeared... everything would have been so different" and all that. Or for me to remember how emo I was during the summer holidays because I missed someone that badly. So badly it was killing me. And to never see that person again even when I did return to Aus. To miss so many things the only thing I could do was hide under my blanket. As there is no where else for me to go. Asking myself... "Why didn't time stop when I wanted it to?". It has been months already, if I think about it - if I include the summer holidays - nearing 6 months. Since I left Aus in November. And I told my friend, yeah... to everyone it has been months. To everyone it is something long forgotten, a thing of the past. To me everything felt like yesterday because time hasn't actually affected me much at all. Gah, so much for letting go and moving on. Well, it's my own weakness. Gotta figure it out somehow myself, eh? Dunno... right now I guess I should just focus on handing in all those 50% - 60% I have (I have 4 of them in the next 4 weeks). I already failed one unit, I need to pass the other three at least or I'm really beyond dead.
I am getting annoyed at my concentration though. I can't seem to concentrate long enough to get any useful work done. Mind just wanders too much. *sighs* Or I just feel ill. Bah. *goes to get her presentation finish* Should of did this like 2 days ago...
"To the world you may be just somebody, but to somebody you may just be the world."
Sunday, 10 May 2009
A long day...
Today was a long and odd day. I basically went to sleep at like 11:30 AM last night, waking up at 3:30 AM. Spent the off peak hours looking up a lot of random things for my two upcoming presentations. I like waking up so early in the night. It made my day FEEL SOOO incredibly long! I mean by 9 AM I've been awake for ages but it's only 9 AM in the morning! LOL. I did take two one hour naps though (once at 6 AM and another at 9 AM) to make up for it all. Hmm, had lunch early by myself at 12 PM then I went to the library at 1 PM.
Spent a couple of hours in the library just procrastinating. I didn't get much done. Then I went home, and napped again since I was tired. By 5 PM. I got up at 6 PM, continued reading more of "Emma" then had yummy fried rice dinner by Jia Chee! Dessert was ice cream, shortbread cookies and almond bread crackers, lol. I know, my house eats too luxurious food. A bit stressed environment in the house today due to the number of things due in the next week (or Monday I should say). Good luck to everyone...
The night was spent on the phone with Mama (Happy Mother's Day Mama! Hehe), some bit more reading then an early night at 11 PM-ish as I will be waking up early at 3 again if I can.
Had a few pangs of sadness throughout the day. Hmm. I should be over this stage right now. Dunno why the sudden relapse. Well, not really relapse. I'll kick myself if I allow myself to relapse again. But yeah, the sudden sadness is rather irritating. I think it's cause I'm studying and studying always brings me the thoughts I avoid thinking (normally when I do something fun I'm distracted - studying doesn't actually distract me). But meh, it's something I'll get used to. I always said anyway, the first thing I'll get one is indepedance. Once I do that I'll decide how I want to move on from there. The path is long but I'll get by somewhere eventually.
"Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant with the weak and the wrong. Sometime in your life you will have been all of these."
@Anonymous: I can't figure out who this is. But whoever it is, thanks. And yeah, haha I knows everyone will be there for me. Just as I will be there for everyone, lol. Meh, life is always about the ups and downs anyway. If I think about it, I've been in the shits so many times in me life already I'm surprised things even affect me till this day.
Spent a couple of hours in the library just procrastinating. I didn't get much done. Then I went home, and napped again since I was tired. By 5 PM. I got up at 6 PM, continued reading more of "Emma" then had yummy fried rice dinner by Jia Chee! Dessert was ice cream, shortbread cookies and almond bread crackers, lol. I know, my house eats too luxurious food. A bit stressed environment in the house today due to the number of things due in the next week (or Monday I should say). Good luck to everyone...
The night was spent on the phone with Mama (Happy Mother's Day Mama! Hehe), some bit more reading then an early night at 11 PM-ish as I will be waking up early at 3 again if I can.
Had a few pangs of sadness throughout the day. Hmm. I should be over this stage right now. Dunno why the sudden relapse. Well, not really relapse. I'll kick myself if I allow myself to relapse again. But yeah, the sudden sadness is rather irritating. I think it's cause I'm studying and studying always brings me the thoughts I avoid thinking (normally when I do something fun I'm distracted - studying doesn't actually distract me). But meh, it's something I'll get used to. I always said anyway, the first thing I'll get one is indepedance. Once I do that I'll decide how I want to move on from there. The path is long but I'll get by somewhere eventually.
"Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant with the weak and the wrong. Sometime in your life you will have been all of these."
@Anonymous: I can't figure out who this is. But whoever it is, thanks. And yeah, haha I knows everyone will be there for me. Just as I will be there for everyone, lol. Meh, life is always about the ups and downs anyway. If I think about it, I've been in the shits so many times in me life already I'm surprised things even affect me till this day.
Saturday, 9 May 2009
House BBQ
Saturday! I woke up at 5 AM to study but it didn't work again. As everyday. At 10 AM me and Jia Chee went shopping for groceries. Uhh... I made a mistake and didn't tell Yi Xin we were going at that time cause I sort of assumed everyone would guess it would be at that time. Remind me to never make assumptions again. Clayton shopping involved me buying baking stuff only (flour, sugar, milk, cocoa powder, butter and etc.) I guess I am baking too much lately. I need to cut down. And use the time to study or something.
When we got back at 12 PM, Tony, Paul and Tony's gf was there setting up the BBQ (it was our house's annual BBQ). They had potato salad and other salads or something. It was a simple and pleasant BBQ in our backyard. It's quite nice to have it at your home, I mean... we can get to the toilet or go to our rooms in less then a minute. It took for a while for them to setup the BBQ place and stuffs, in the mean time we were upstairs munching on Sha's donuts and just spying on them from below (like stalkers). Eventually things got cooking and we hung about outside, although it was rather chilly.
So food including sausages, chicken drumlets, lamb chops (cause of Joanne, we wanted lamb, lol), mixed Italian salad and potato salad. Our entire house was there minus Shakarin, Tony, Paul, their sister, another guy I didn't know, and his niece and nephew. From outsiders, Xin invited Jono of course and we also had Jie and Christina over.
Our net got capped, Thomas was like... gahhh, cause he needs to do research. And the library being open for only 4 hours on a Sunday doesn't help. Me and Joanne will be camping out there tomorrow also to get our research done. Let's see, while people were still eating I wanted more cookie to eat for the BBQ, since the chocolate ones I made were almost gone. So I made shortbread biscuits! And chocolate icing to dip it in. It was nice, buttery and awesome! Everyone gobbled it up. Joanne, Mei Xian, Jia Chee and Sha put a ton of effort into making cute cookie shapes with the dough. Although, the recipe isn't value for money. Used half a kg of my flour that I bought today (T.T) and made so little biscuits (well little for me, it won't last more then one or two days). So meh...
Evening was spent me trying to read. Taking a short nap. And just bumming around. I was a bit down again but it's the usual when I'm alone and not realy napping, just lying in my room staring at the ceiling. Keep in mind I used to do this for an extended period of time, so I do think that it is a recovery for me to spend less time doing this. And more time studying or doing something else. I'm sure in the next few months to come I'll stop with the contemplation, and general emo-ness. Just gotta always remind myself that life never goes how you want it to go. The 20 years of my life (all that I went through in high school and childhood) is an example of this. Despite that I lived a wonderfully comfortable life, and since I have the chance in front of me, I should use all I have to enjoy time as it goes by. Making myself miserable when I shouldn't be is rather silly of me. I'm already regretting the past 3 months I've lost. The past 3 months went by so fast, it wasn't fast but it felt fast. It felt like only yesterday I came back to Australia. I wish it didn't. Cause those are memories I never wanna relive again. My greatest regret is my lack of studies and the reflection of my grades. I mean to BARELY (and I do mean having 51% barely) pass 3 of my units, and to fail the core one so badly that I don't know what I'll do from now onwards. I must work hard in the next few weeks. And start over again in semester 2. I guess it proves that LITERALLY doing no work won't get you through uni. Bah, my damn weakness. Thinking about how stupid I am / was just pisses me off already, lol.
I need to be able to reach a point where I can say: "My 2009 starts only now." Because so far my 2009 has been wrought with negative emotions. With too much tears. There's a lot of people around me, people I've met this year, people I've met last year, people I met the year before that, my college friends, my friend from 12 years ago. Need to focus. Another great regret I have so far this year is what I've done to Jia Chee. Her last semester in Australia involved her having to witness me throw a dozen panic attacks, yelling, screaming and sometimes just rambling hysterically. So pathetic really... am trying my best right now to make up for it. And to put a good face to everyone when I see them.
Okay, that's my daily dose of recollection and a focus of my emotions. I realise I repeat things often in my blog. It's cause I need to write it all out before I can go and do some more useful task. Since the stress and emotions do slowly build up everyday. At night Jia Chee made us a simple dinner of garlic bread with cheese and mushroom soup. Plus wedges + Mei Xian's awesome cheese dip. It was really good. We ate some shortbread cookies and Xin's frozen grapes for dessert (I had leftover chocolate dip from the cookies so we were dipping grapes + strawberries in the choco). I've eaten WAYYY too much today. I need to stop eating or I'm gonna put on even more weight than I already had (I rather enjoyed the weight I was a few months ago, I'll probably never reach that weight again, lol. But meh, it was a weight I had from literally eating nothing but maybe less then one meal a day so I guess that's out of the question - right now I'm back to normal... eating more then everyone else).
At night, I just read my novel for ENH3810 until I fell asleep. Jane Austen's 'Emma'. We studied it weeks and weeks ago, but due to my 'condition' I didn't read it and now I am lacking a text to write an essay on so I'm trying to catch up.
"May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy."
@Mag: I know... it's kinda creepy. But if you read it in the papers you'll know already when you get the call. Make sure your parents are aware, since they're calling random households in Brunei.
"May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy."
@Mag: I know... it's kinda creepy. But if you read it in the papers you'll know already when you get the call. Make sure your parents are aware, since they're calling random households in Brunei.
Friday, 8 May 2009
Failing, tears and the lot...
A seemingly pleasant day went slamming down to the deepest parts of the abyss in front of me. I woke up at 6 AM as per usual. I attempted to study until class at uhh... 11 AM in Caulfield. The class ended a few minutes late and I missed my bus back to Clayton by 20 seconds. Gah. Uni... umm... I watched the first episode of Kurokami with Rachel and Steve while eating cup Ramen, lol. It's pretty good. It's about umm... the fact that there are 3 people in the world who look like you. If two of these people meet, the strongest one lives while the other two die. So like, the episode had this little girl die at the end. I LOL-ed so badly when it happened (she got run over by a truck), like I dunno why I LOL-ed. Steve and Rachel though I was sadistic and psycho. I can't help it. This happened back in high school too.
Yay, then dance practice with Kimmy's group. At 3 PM I went over to the Education building to see my essay results for EDF3006. This is a 50% assignment. It is worth half my grades. I got 32%... yes, 32% out of a 100%. That means 16% out of the overall grade. I failed that badly. I FAILED THAT BADLY.
I immediately fell over and lightly sprained my ankle while hobbling back in shock to the Menzies where everyone else was. Bad luck there. I tried to be normal but then my mum phoned! Apparently there is a fraud case going on around in Brunei / Malaysia where these overseas people like, phone your home and tell you that they have kidnapped your child studying in Australia, demanding large amounts of money for their return. Some people have lost over $50'000 or something. They phoned Papa and apparently he yelled at them or something. Mum phoned me immediately after to make sure I wasn't really kidnapped.
I then told mum about my... failure. And the tears started coming and they didn't stop. See, normally I wouldn't cry in FRONT OF EVERYONE (well Xin, Kimmy, Alan, Lee, Sebby, Jason, Vince and Steve... gahh). But they couldn't stop. Fear of failure is too much. Cause it's a core unit, if I fail this I dunno if I can get to second sem, and I dunno how much I am gonna fall behind. I really can't stay an extra year here (although I can take summer courses if its needed). Bleh. Vince brought me chocolate as a gift to cheer me up, lol. Yay~ chocolate! So yeah, I didn't practice Sorry Sorry at all... gomen, Sebby-chan.
Back to lunch table. I felt like crap. Like shit. Unfortunately, when one bad thing happens it's when all the other things haunting you (that you've been trying your utmost best to hold back) come flooding back in. So I kept my head down. I think Tom noticed since him and Xin sat down with me and Vince as we crapped on about random things. Played some random DS game with Yvonne. Then went home. Me, Xin and Vince were like telling reallly bad jokes to each other on the way home, lol.
Dinner was burnt tandoori chicken by me (packet sauce), garlic bread and Sha's yummy potato-tuna baked dish. Sort of like Sheperd's Pie but with tuna instead of ground beef. It was really good. Spent the night attempting to study and a bit of MSN as usual.
Was down at night. Hmm. What was my train of thought? I am not sure. I was thinking about my crappy grades. Then thinking about the past. And how I loved and longed for comforting words from the person I had loved. Heh, well I know this is only a temporary feeling. I am not supposed to have any "I miss... this and this..." feelings anymore. That and the fact that I may no longer hear that comforting voice, but I have all my beloved friends around me. I mean, it should be everything in the world when you have everyone asking you whether you're okay or not. Heh. I just wrote yesterday that things were looking fine. I am not taking back my words. I'll always have Xin, Sha, Jia Chee, Mag and everyone around me, and I'm really happy to have new friends like Alan, Rachel, Vince and etc. It made everyday fun, so I won't let this one day drag me down.
As for my grades, I need to get a D or higher for my final exam to pass that unit I need to pass really badly. It'll be hard because I am really weak at exams (I don't recall getting higher then C normally). I can only try my best. So yes, I am failing but... it IS not over yet. And I will not lose any longer. I cried to mum telling her "Sorry... sorry..." and she said that she understood why I was failing all my subjects. She said it was fine, and said to not let feelings drag me down any longer. Said something like how life was always like this anyway. It's okay, nothing is ever really right for very long. So I just need to savour things when they are right. Even if only for a while. And get back up when I do fall to the ground. I owe it to Mum and Dad really. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I can't do something like that to them.
I'll spent the next month making sure I pass my other three units (which I have an average of 51%... YES, I am DOING THAT POORLY THIS SEMESTER... I have dropped a lot from being the HD student, eh?). Then worry about the one I am failing. It's not over yet. Yep. It's not over yet... I refuse to lose to this. Definitely.
"The conditions of conquest are always easy. We have but to toil awhile, endure awhile, believe always, and never turn back."
@Mr. Anonymous: lol, I know who you are. And... thanks, man. Dull the memory really. I am not the type to forget. Stuff that happened 10 years ago still hurt my heart till this day. I am that impressionable. I would feel sad if you stopped watching out for me though. It may be an annoyance at times but, still always be there.. eh? Cause I'm not fine just yet either. I don't really have much tears to shed anymore but to be honest I can still hear my heart crying everyday.
@Xin: Did you notice that he said ke ai? Not bu ke ai, lol. Yeah, I've come to far. Nearing 3 months of well... I wouldn't call it hell but of me climbing up that damn hole I was talking about. To be honest I occasionally get really wary of trying. Be warned in case I blow up and have another panic attack in the next week. It may happen.
Yay, then dance practice with Kimmy's group. At 3 PM I went over to the Education building to see my essay results for EDF3006. This is a 50% assignment. It is worth half my grades. I got 32%... yes, 32% out of a 100%. That means 16% out of the overall grade. I failed that badly. I FAILED THAT BADLY.
I immediately fell over and lightly sprained my ankle while hobbling back in shock to the Menzies where everyone else was. Bad luck there. I tried to be normal but then my mum phoned! Apparently there is a fraud case going on around in Brunei / Malaysia where these overseas people like, phone your home and tell you that they have kidnapped your child studying in Australia, demanding large amounts of money for their return. Some people have lost over $50'000 or something. They phoned Papa and apparently he yelled at them or something. Mum phoned me immediately after to make sure I wasn't really kidnapped.
I then told mum about my... failure. And the tears started coming and they didn't stop. See, normally I wouldn't cry in FRONT OF EVERYONE (well Xin, Kimmy, Alan, Lee, Sebby, Jason, Vince and Steve... gahh). But they couldn't stop. Fear of failure is too much. Cause it's a core unit, if I fail this I dunno if I can get to second sem, and I dunno how much I am gonna fall behind. I really can't stay an extra year here (although I can take summer courses if its needed). Bleh. Vince brought me chocolate as a gift to cheer me up, lol. Yay~ chocolate! So yeah, I didn't practice Sorry Sorry at all... gomen, Sebby-chan.
Back to lunch table. I felt like crap. Like shit. Unfortunately, when one bad thing happens it's when all the other things haunting you (that you've been trying your utmost best to hold back) come flooding back in. So I kept my head down. I think Tom noticed since him and Xin sat down with me and Vince as we crapped on about random things. Played some random DS game with Yvonne. Then went home. Me, Xin and Vince were like telling reallly bad jokes to each other on the way home, lol.
Dinner was burnt tandoori chicken by me (packet sauce), garlic bread and Sha's yummy potato-tuna baked dish. Sort of like Sheperd's Pie but with tuna instead of ground beef. It was really good. Spent the night attempting to study and a bit of MSN as usual.
Was down at night. Hmm. What was my train of thought? I am not sure. I was thinking about my crappy grades. Then thinking about the past. And how I loved and longed for comforting words from the person I had loved. Heh, well I know this is only a temporary feeling. I am not supposed to have any "I miss... this and this..." feelings anymore. That and the fact that I may no longer hear that comforting voice, but I have all my beloved friends around me. I mean, it should be everything in the world when you have everyone asking you whether you're okay or not. Heh. I just wrote yesterday that things were looking fine. I am not taking back my words. I'll always have Xin, Sha, Jia Chee, Mag and everyone around me, and I'm really happy to have new friends like Alan, Rachel, Vince and etc. It made everyday fun, so I won't let this one day drag me down.
As for my grades, I need to get a D or higher for my final exam to pass that unit I need to pass really badly. It'll be hard because I am really weak at exams (I don't recall getting higher then C normally). I can only try my best. So yes, I am failing but... it IS not over yet. And I will not lose any longer. I cried to mum telling her "Sorry... sorry..." and she said that she understood why I was failing all my subjects. She said it was fine, and said to not let feelings drag me down any longer. Said something like how life was always like this anyway. It's okay, nothing is ever really right for very long. So I just need to savour things when they are right. Even if only for a while. And get back up when I do fall to the ground. I owe it to Mum and Dad really. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I can't do something like that to them.
I'll spent the next month making sure I pass my other three units (which I have an average of 51%... YES, I am DOING THAT POORLY THIS SEMESTER... I have dropped a lot from being the HD student, eh?). Then worry about the one I am failing. It's not over yet. Yep. It's not over yet... I refuse to lose to this. Definitely.
"The conditions of conquest are always easy. We have but to toil awhile, endure awhile, believe always, and never turn back."
@Mr. Anonymous: lol, I know who you are. And... thanks, man. Dull the memory really. I am not the type to forget. Stuff that happened 10 years ago still hurt my heart till this day. I am that impressionable. I would feel sad if you stopped watching out for me though. It may be an annoyance at times but, still always be there.. eh? Cause I'm not fine just yet either. I don't really have much tears to shed anymore but to be honest I can still hear my heart crying everyday.
@Xin: Did you notice that he said ke ai? Not bu ke ai, lol. Yeah, I've come to far. Nearing 3 months of well... I wouldn't call it hell but of me climbing up that damn hole I was talking about. To be honest I occasionally get really wary of trying. Be warned in case I blow up and have another panic attack in the next week. It may happen.
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