Today was a pretty good day. I dunno, I guess I decided unconsciously that I was gonna a.) have fun today and b.) enjoy everything and anything. I overslept by like 3 hours again though. And went to class unprepared. I didn't listen for most of my 2 hour seminar for CLS3080 unfortunately... I was thinking and thinking the entire time. Of what? Well... of everything again I guess. Of why I'm at this point in time. And what I should do from there on. I think I made some sort of decision that I don't want to back out of, a decision that I need to stay firm with. That I need to accept. To able to move on. Finally. It's gonna be a bit of a bumpy ride but you need to fight through a storm to find the paradise at the end, right?
In the end, the last two things that ran through my mind. 1.) Was what a certain someone told me of conflict. That someone needs to drop the pride, and only when you do that can you reconcile. And 2.) "To hope for the best and prepare for the worst." I need to try my best. And move on from whatever happens.
So yes, I decided that I was gonna have fun for the rest of my day! And I did! I got lunch tables, uhh... I ate a crappy lunch of bread again then the dantai left. I saw Drue! He was in the hospital the day before and he was like drinking fresh juice and eating pumpkin soup! A HEALTHY DRUE!!! @.@ Oh my... but yeah dantai practice. HAHA A LOAD OF FUN. I did a lot of practice and stuff instead of my tutorial work lololol. So much excercise. Too much excercise. But things are shaping up at my end at least. Kriz came by. So did Stan, Alan, Kimmy and stuffs. I kept doing a stupid "Chacarron" sound - dance thingy until Damien and Jono literally THREW ME OUT OF THE ROOM! I wanna do it for karaoke! IT'S EPIC! EPICCC. I was so hyper and like crazy (I think I snapped) that Xin was like "... too much SUGAR @.@" Yeah Kimmy did bring chocolate!! I had to leave for class eventually. Boo boo. Uhh.. class was meh. After class, me, Vu and Rachel went to check out MCF 'night market'. Nothing there! It was the same thing again, lol. I ran into PJ and he gave me a dumpling. And ran into a lot of other people I seem to know somehow. From somewhere, lol. Uhh... I was bored fast and the food sucked so me and PJ went to buy fish and chips for dinner. I just had a snack pack which was too much for me already, so I gave the rest to Leon, Vu, James and em'. Yay, I hung with them for a while, then went to Wu Shu went everyone cept Andrew Kim was gone (well Leon and Brad were coming back but they went to bus loop to send people off). K-man asked me to movies which I think people are going with James and em'... to watch GI Joe but I had wu shu anyway.
So yeah! Wu shu! Umm... I practiced a bit. And stuffs. Mostly with Juan and Erica. We did the actual long first, the first 1/8 of it (which is LONNNG) and it was so much fail because they didn't teach it so I didn't remember what to do!! OMG!! LOL I only did a bit of this last year. Uhh.. practiced short long first with and his intake from this year. Then Erica sent me home! Yay, thanks. Saves me walking in the dark. Hehe. Night was MSN. I was in a good mood. It was a good day! I'm satisfied, if only I could be as hyper and happy everyday as I was today!
Thursday, 6 August 2009
Wednesday, 5 August 2009
Normal day normal life...
A normal day as always right? I was a bit nervous today but whatever. Uhh... I screwed up and thought my seminar was at 10 AM but it was 9 AM. So I woke up at 8 AM, normally I get up 2 hours before a class. So I had to rush. After class... I sat around for 2 hours eating lunch and stuff. Weds lunch is my catch up time with Raine, where we eat lunch together, chat and give each other info on things. She was giving me food - cookies to be exact. Insisting that I didn't eat enough. Since my food intake has gone down recently. And I think people are afraid Celine will go back to how she was back in January / February this year. Where I was like 8 kg lighter then I am right now but prolonged starvation, lol.
Screenings was LOLs. The group was camping on the ground, I had Alan's head on my leg the entire screenings. It was all like... LOLI ANIME from Brad's collection so instead of yelling out LEOOOON!!! We were all yelling out BRAAAAADDD. After screenings... uhh... oh yeah, I met Alan/Loon's friend Will! Me and Martin chatted to him for ages, he's nice. Hehe. He said he'll come again next week! So yay~ then dantai practice which I dragged Martin too momentarily. Before going in, me and Kimmy like.. bought FAIRY FLOSS~ and umm... oh I got $3 chocolate bubble tea from ASEAN club but it was pretty crappy (no choco flavour, tasted like milk tea, lol). Dantai practice was tiring and normal as usual. I left early to go home to study and umm... I went by lunch table to just... look for someone and see whether that person was there or not. But no... so yeah... I was gonna go home but... I ended up chatting to Leon, Brad and Vu! As I still only ate some of Raine's small cookies and 3 mini buns for lunch for the day Leon treated me and Brad to Shin Ramyun (and Vu bought his own). And we all ate Shin Ramyun while throwing around pick up lines from last night's convo. IT WAS EPIC. Especially when we used them on James!! Haha. After we were done, I decided after a bit that it was finally time to go home.
And I did. Evening... uhh I sort of napped for an hour although Kriz called during this time. But yeah, I wasn't napping - I was moping in my room. Haha. My dreams are getting a bit bothersome lately... I don't know what I'm doing. Or hoping for. Or anything. I went downstairs to make dinner but John turned off all the water in the house apparently to fix the tap. And Kei Boon was like... cleaning up the stove. So I couldn't start making my chicken pie with no water. Eventually it came back and we all made dinner and ate like at 8:30 PM! Chicken pie was decent. A bit too watery. After dinner, I went back to my room and uh... sat around on MSN and stuffs. I tried to study but it didn't go well and went to sleep pretty early. Like 11 PM. I dunno, I don't see much reason sometimes in sleeping too late. Studies is still a HUGE problem as I am not doing my work.
Today was an okay day. I still moped and cried though. Slowly, I need to find my resolve to settle and be happy for this perfectly normal day in this perfectly normal life. To ask for too much was my downfall, and I always need to remember that while things can get better they can also get worse. So I have to try my best.
Screenings was LOLs. The group was camping on the ground, I had Alan's head on my leg the entire screenings. It was all like... LOLI ANIME from Brad's collection so instead of yelling out LEOOOON!!! We were all yelling out BRAAAAADDD. After screenings... uhh... oh yeah, I met Alan/Loon's friend Will! Me and Martin chatted to him for ages, he's nice. Hehe. He said he'll come again next week! So yay~ then dantai practice which I dragged Martin too momentarily. Before going in, me and Kimmy like.. bought FAIRY FLOSS~ and umm... oh I got $3 chocolate bubble tea from ASEAN club but it was pretty crappy (no choco flavour, tasted like milk tea, lol). Dantai practice was tiring and normal as usual. I left early to go home to study and umm... I went by lunch table to just... look for someone and see whether that person was there or not. But no... so yeah... I was gonna go home but... I ended up chatting to Leon, Brad and Vu! As I still only ate some of Raine's small cookies and 3 mini buns for lunch for the day Leon treated me and Brad to Shin Ramyun (and Vu bought his own). And we all ate Shin Ramyun while throwing around pick up lines from last night's convo. IT WAS EPIC. Especially when we used them on James!! Haha. After we were done, I decided after a bit that it was finally time to go home.
And I did. Evening... uhh I sort of napped for an hour although Kriz called during this time. But yeah, I wasn't napping - I was moping in my room. Haha. My dreams are getting a bit bothersome lately... I don't know what I'm doing. Or hoping for. Or anything. I went downstairs to make dinner but John turned off all the water in the house apparently to fix the tap. And Kei Boon was like... cleaning up the stove. So I couldn't start making my chicken pie with no water. Eventually it came back and we all made dinner and ate like at 8:30 PM! Chicken pie was decent. A bit too watery. After dinner, I went back to my room and uh... sat around on MSN and stuffs. I tried to study but it didn't go well and went to sleep pretty early. Like 11 PM. I dunno, I don't see much reason sometimes in sleeping too late. Studies is still a HUGE problem as I am not doing my work.
Today was an okay day. I still moped and cried though. Slowly, I need to find my resolve to settle and be happy for this perfectly normal day in this perfectly normal life. To ask for too much was my downfall, and I always need to remember that while things can get better they can also get worse. So I have to try my best.
Tuesday, 4 August 2009
Sitting in the rain...
Okay, the today entry. Uhh... a messy day I suppose. I woke up to get to uni by 10 AM for a Japanese Conversation class thingy or whatever run by the Japanese Club. I was determined to be okay but I was thrown off for a certain reason and ended up crying again in the morning. But I ignored it and went out anyway - determined to try my best for the day. The class itself was rather interesting. Leon was gonna be late since his bus was late, and I didn't know any Japanese either which made it a bit difficult for the organiser I think, lol. She probably wasn't expecting complete n00bs. Luckily I do know a bit of Japanese so I guess I can at least ask "What is your name?" and "What does [insert word] mean?". First game we did was umm... we had to line up in order of our names. After asking each other for names. Then there was little pieces of paper with hiragana, and she picked out a random one and in small groups of three we had to write as many words with that hiragana. Luckily I could contribute to this since I do know some vocab! XD
Next activity was umm... two truths and a lie game in Japanese. I obviously couldn't really take part but I did manage to follow everyone's sentences like maybe half the time. When it was my turn I tried to just copy others since they knew I was n00b anyway. Then it was over and me and Leon went over to lunch tables! It was dantai practice so I soon left after that and practiced for a few hours. Then I went back to lunch tables again.
We tried to have fun and stuff. One time, Jo, Eloise, Martin, me and Linda were trying to re-enact Captain Planet skits but Tom told us to stop as we were an annoyance (and probably an embarassment, lol). Oh well, I think this was the only time of the day I was reallly realllly enjoying myself anyway. Uhh... Rachel tried to stick by me for these few hours as my mood was really unstable. We were sort of sleepy so yeah, sometimes we just napped on the table. I ended up napping for the last hour before 5 PM, although I wasn't really napping either to be honest. I didn't fall asleep once. I just didn't... or couldn't... socialise with the crowd...
At 5 PM I left by myself into the rain and went to hang out with Campus Connect. I met like a girl there and we chatted for a bit. I got a SMS from Leon/Sammi there saying that I left without saying goodbye. And it ended with "we love you." I had to brush a few tears away from reading that. ^^ But I left when Sha came and they were playing some cricket activity. It was raining at this time. I wanted to take a walk. Sha chased after me asking me to come back inside. But I told her I was okay (okay I wasn't but... okay enough ~). I took out my umbrella at least to show that I wasn't gonna walk in the rain as it was too heavy (and it was freezing I should say). So she had to let me go. Umm... during this time, I was like wandering around engineering and it was dark already so I setlled on sitting at the metal benches outside the S1 - S4 theatres. And I sat there for 1 and a half hours. Didn't use my umbrella either but it was only drizzling once in a while. So I just got wet a slight bit. It was just really really cold.
Haha, the time sitting there was interesting. I was freezing, and I rejected all of Sha and Yi Xin's calls. I did send them text messages cause I wouldn't want them to freak out that I disappeared or something. Just that I didn't want to come back to Campus Connect... or home. I didn't feel like eating dinner either. What was I thinking during this time...? I dunno. I think it was a mix of everything. I was thinking how things went from January until now... and how it got to this point. And why. I wasn't really helping myself because rather then thinking of hopeful positive thoughts it just ended with me crying continously in regret I guess. I was just crying out of regret. Cause I couldn't change, I couldn't fix things up... to avoid things to be like this. I guess I was just really tired of everything. Of every day. Of days like today. It should be fun but... I have to try so hard to have fun until it isn't anymore sometimes. And it just hurts. I just kept crying with the words "it hurts.... it hurts... it hurts..." running through my head.
I mean I am beginning to understand of course. This experience has told me one thing. That is... if you don't want to lose the things most important to you, then put effort to change yourself - and the situation... before it is too late. Cause once you lose it you ain't getting it back. And yeah, I need to learn to appreciate what I do have now. Because to be without it... hurts more then anything.
Yi Xin asked me later on (as well as many other people)... so why did I sit in the rain? Uhh... I dunno. I think ultimately in the end I could sum it up in this one sentence.
"While I sat there in the freezing rain, my only wish was that you would come and offer me a hand."
I think I just wanted someone to come and save me. Or maybe a specific someone. Or something. I don't know...
I saw the security guard come by me so many times. I guess he didn't see me, otherwise I'm sure he would of asked me to like... go somewhere else. Rather then in that dark quiet and lonely place. But yeah, I left past 7:15 PM-ish cause it was raining harder and I was really cold... I only realised how cold I was when I got up. I couldn't stop shaking. While walking towards campus centre I was like "FUUCKKK IT'S COLDD" and it started raining pretty badly again. When I got upstairs... uhh... Leon, Sammi, Brad, K-man, Andrew Kim and Jeremy were there. Juan joined us later on in a bit. I feel bad for Leon and Sammi who kept staring at my state. Then the guys noticed @.@ Jeremy gave me his jacket in attempts to warm me up. Cause I basically didn't stop shaking until like 15 minutes later. I'm sorry to everyone... >.< I think it might not have been the wisest idea for me to show up but I couldn't get home yet cause I was too cold and tired so I wanted to warm up indoors. Everyone gave me a pat on the head and stuffs though. They were playing MahJong and cards. Uhh.. K-man left after a bit. And we got thrown out at 9 PM literally, lol.
Everyone walked me home! Well Juan went to the library. And yeah... Leon, Sammi, Brad, Andrew Kim and Jeremy walked me home! Apparently they were my Fellowship of the Ring! Or a band of stalkers. One or the other. Hehe. It was really sweet of them. It made my walk home a lot of fun! Cause they are the funniest group of people ever! When we got there I was scared Amanda would kick the shit out of me and I don't think she was too happy judging from her tone of voice so gomen Yi Xin >.< They left soon after since it was late. Apparently they all stalked Brad to his house too. Uhh... I tried to eat bread and soup for dinner since I didn't eat anything yet. Didn't really take much food in at all during the day (well had three mini custard buns during the day). Then I went back upstairs.
I was crying for the remainder of the night. Just from MSN and stuffs. Couldn't see the screen sometimes. I just couldn't stop. My eyes really hurted during the day and at night. I think I've been crying way too much. Till my eyes are bloodshot now. I think I realise now that I just really have to accept things for what they are, and move on. Cause everyone else has moved on already. And everyone has to go through this in their life. Rejection, loss and regret. It's normal. I recall typing this several hundred times already though. And I still haven't moved on. I wonder if I will ever move on... sometime told me that I might never truly move on if the feelings involved were real. *shrugs* I've no idea. I wonder if that is true....
Late at night I ended up sleeping peacefully cause of the guys. Had a hilarious convo with Law, Vu, Leon, Jeremy and Andrew Kim as we threw around LAME PICK-UP LINES!! Some of the ones I liked included...
- First buy an ice cream and find a hot girl, then say 'I'm sorry to bother you, but your melting my ice cream!"
- Can I have your picture so that I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
- If I could re-arrange the alphabet I would put U and I together.
- I wanna touch your curves with my tangent.
- You must be an adverb, because you sure do modify me!
- I'm bigger and better then the Titanic... only 200 women went down on the Titanic!
- Are you a Pokemon trainer? Because you sure do capture my heart!
We all bailed at 1 AM. I didn't cry myself to sleep. I was glad.
Next activity was umm... two truths and a lie game in Japanese. I obviously couldn't really take part but I did manage to follow everyone's sentences like maybe half the time. When it was my turn I tried to just copy others since they knew I was n00b anyway. Then it was over and me and Leon went over to lunch tables! It was dantai practice so I soon left after that and practiced for a few hours. Then I went back to lunch tables again.
We tried to have fun and stuff. One time, Jo, Eloise, Martin, me and Linda were trying to re-enact Captain Planet skits but Tom told us to stop as we were an annoyance (and probably an embarassment, lol). Oh well, I think this was the only time of the day I was reallly realllly enjoying myself anyway. Uhh... Rachel tried to stick by me for these few hours as my mood was really unstable. We were sort of sleepy so yeah, sometimes we just napped on the table. I ended up napping for the last hour before 5 PM, although I wasn't really napping either to be honest. I didn't fall asleep once. I just didn't... or couldn't... socialise with the crowd...
At 5 PM I left by myself into the rain and went to hang out with Campus Connect. I met like a girl there and we chatted for a bit. I got a SMS from Leon/Sammi there saying that I left without saying goodbye. And it ended with "we love you." I had to brush a few tears away from reading that. ^^ But I left when Sha came and they were playing some cricket activity. It was raining at this time. I wanted to take a walk. Sha chased after me asking me to come back inside. But I told her I was okay (okay I wasn't but... okay enough ~). I took out my umbrella at least to show that I wasn't gonna walk in the rain as it was too heavy (and it was freezing I should say). So she had to let me go. Umm... during this time, I was like wandering around engineering and it was dark already so I setlled on sitting at the metal benches outside the S1 - S4 theatres. And I sat there for 1 and a half hours. Didn't use my umbrella either but it was only drizzling once in a while. So I just got wet a slight bit. It was just really really cold.
Haha, the time sitting there was interesting. I was freezing, and I rejected all of Sha and Yi Xin's calls. I did send them text messages cause I wouldn't want them to freak out that I disappeared or something. Just that I didn't want to come back to Campus Connect... or home. I didn't feel like eating dinner either. What was I thinking during this time...? I dunno. I think it was a mix of everything. I was thinking how things went from January until now... and how it got to this point. And why. I wasn't really helping myself because rather then thinking of hopeful positive thoughts it just ended with me crying continously in regret I guess. I was just crying out of regret. Cause I couldn't change, I couldn't fix things up... to avoid things to be like this. I guess I was just really tired of everything. Of every day. Of days like today. It should be fun but... I have to try so hard to have fun until it isn't anymore sometimes. And it just hurts. I just kept crying with the words "it hurts.... it hurts... it hurts..." running through my head.
I mean I am beginning to understand of course. This experience has told me one thing. That is... if you don't want to lose the things most important to you, then put effort to change yourself - and the situation... before it is too late. Cause once you lose it you ain't getting it back. And yeah, I need to learn to appreciate what I do have now. Because to be without it... hurts more then anything.
Yi Xin asked me later on (as well as many other people)... so why did I sit in the rain? Uhh... I dunno. I think ultimately in the end I could sum it up in this one sentence.
"While I sat there in the freezing rain, my only wish was that you would come and offer me a hand."
I think I just wanted someone to come and save me. Or maybe a specific someone. Or something. I don't know...
I saw the security guard come by me so many times. I guess he didn't see me, otherwise I'm sure he would of asked me to like... go somewhere else. Rather then in that dark quiet and lonely place. But yeah, I left past 7:15 PM-ish cause it was raining harder and I was really cold... I only realised how cold I was when I got up. I couldn't stop shaking. While walking towards campus centre I was like "FUUCKKK IT'S COLDD" and it started raining pretty badly again. When I got upstairs... uhh... Leon, Sammi, Brad, K-man, Andrew Kim and Jeremy were there. Juan joined us later on in a bit. I feel bad for Leon and Sammi who kept staring at my state. Then the guys noticed @.@ Jeremy gave me his jacket in attempts to warm me up. Cause I basically didn't stop shaking until like 15 minutes later. I'm sorry to everyone... >.< I think it might not have been the wisest idea for me to show up but I couldn't get home yet cause I was too cold and tired so I wanted to warm up indoors. Everyone gave me a pat on the head and stuffs though. They were playing MahJong and cards. Uhh.. K-man left after a bit. And we got thrown out at 9 PM literally, lol.
Everyone walked me home! Well Juan went to the library. And yeah... Leon, Sammi, Brad, Andrew Kim and Jeremy walked me home! Apparently they were my Fellowship of the Ring! Or a band of stalkers. One or the other. Hehe. It was really sweet of them. It made my walk home a lot of fun! Cause they are the funniest group of people ever! When we got there I was scared Amanda would kick the shit out of me and I don't think she was too happy judging from her tone of voice so gomen Yi Xin >.< They left soon after since it was late. Apparently they all stalked Brad to his house too. Uhh... I tried to eat bread and soup for dinner since I didn't eat anything yet. Didn't really take much food in at all during the day (well had three mini custard buns during the day). Then I went back upstairs.
I was crying for the remainder of the night. Just from MSN and stuffs. Couldn't see the screen sometimes. I just couldn't stop. My eyes really hurted during the day and at night. I think I've been crying way too much. Till my eyes are bloodshot now. I think I realise now that I just really have to accept things for what they are, and move on. Cause everyone else has moved on already. And everyone has to go through this in their life. Rejection, loss and regret. It's normal. I recall typing this several hundred times already though. And I still haven't moved on. I wonder if I will ever move on... sometime told me that I might never truly move on if the feelings involved were real. *shrugs* I've no idea. I wonder if that is true....
Late at night I ended up sleeping peacefully cause of the guys. Had a hilarious convo with Law, Vu, Leon, Jeremy and Andrew Kim as we threw around LAME PICK-UP LINES!! Some of the ones I liked included...
- First buy an ice cream and find a hot girl, then say 'I'm sorry to bother you, but your melting my ice cream!"
- Can I have your picture so that I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
- If I could re-arrange the alphabet I would put U and I together.
- I wanna touch your curves with my tangent.
- You must be an adverb, because you sure do modify me!
- I'm bigger and better then the Titanic... only 200 women went down on the Titanic!
- Are you a Pokemon trainer? Because you sure do capture my heart!
We all bailed at 1 AM. I didn't cry myself to sleep. I was glad.
Eyes.. hurrrrrrt.....
Too much crying today. Eyes hurt so much. Lesson learnt of the day. Remind me to never sit outside in the rain for one hour and a half. =.=;;; I froze half to death.
*hugs Sammi, Leon, Jeremy, Andrew Kim and Brad for walking me home*
Will blog actual day some other time or whatever. Sleep time for me. =.=;;
*hugs Sammi, Leon, Jeremy, Andrew Kim and Brad for walking me home*
Will blog actual day some other time or whatever. Sleep time for me. =.=;;
Monday, 3 August 2009
Should I have just disappeared?
It hurts... it hurts... it hurts... it hurts... it hurts... it hurts... I see why people stab themselves or whatever. I think I would like to worry about my arm stinging from blood rather then what I feel right now. Why did Amanda had to have taken my boxcutter... =.=
Weird day. Me acting weird. I don't really get it anymore. I seriously just don't get it anymore. I don't know what to do. I honestly don't know what to do. And I'm acting increasingly more tired now. I'm sort of scared to be honest. I just feel like pulling stupid stunts all the time. People will probably grab me and start bitchslapping me for it but... I...
I just spent the morning trying to do readings. As usual, I had a hard time getting up. Hate waking up. Don't want to wake up. I never want to wake up. I hate the day. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I don't want this. I don't want this... why doe things have to be like this? Why did I cause things to be like this? It's all my fault and I know this is all karma. But... dammit. It's a bad question to ask yourself but a person should really never ask themselves why did it have to be like this? Cause things just happen the way they do... but still... After eating like whatever for lunch, I went to uni to catch up with Kimmy's K-Pop group. We're now officially called MVP so I'll call it that from now on. So yeah, for MVP practice. Oh, MVP stands for Most Valuable People I think, or More Virgins Please according to Alan. We went over Eat You Up and realise how much fail we are cause we forgot a good part of the dance. Even though we should have finished it already. Then Alan was practicing Mirotic with Jason while I studied and Sebby + Kimmy gossiped and giggled about things. We decided to end early at 3 PM due to lack of interest and laziness. And having no room. Haha.
Uhh... stood around talking and stuffs until maccas monday. I had a sundae there, I'm supposed to be on a diet and no spending monies but I still indulge once in a while just cause if I take too many things away I'll go mad one day. I left like at 5 PM. I wanted to go home to make pie but ended up on MSN for quite a bit. Then it was 6 PM. And Sha was like... just eat instant food / leftovers as I have wu shu. Dinner was... uneventful.
Near to 8 PM, I got really... well 'anxious' was what I wrote on Facebook and MSN, but it was more like just plain upset. It was hard but I went downstairs anyway and left the house even more upset due to a few careless comments people made (which I won't blame them for - I should be less sensitive and how would anyone have known what I was thinking at the time?). The walk to wu shu was bad in that I decided while staring at the dark sky, and breathing the cold air, and watching as the cars just pass by. I thought I wouldn't come home. Dunno, spend the night just staring at the sky or something. Sounds perfectly good! So I went to wu su and did the usual stuff there. Scott came back today surprisingly (wonder where he went). We all had to do our basic forms by ourselves to be critiqued by Master Tang, so I did mine and he said it was good. Just need to work on basic stuff like punches. Lydia asked me how I did - hopefully I can go back to working on cadjuls in the next few weeks (wooden staff).
I left wu shu... I did not plan to return home. But... gah. John was outside with his bike. To walk me home. So.. there goes my plan. Maybe it is a positive thing of course. Obviously a part of myself wanted someone to come and fetch me, people naturally want to feel wanted, to feel loved and appreciated. So I would come home when I see someone going through the trouble of getting me. I'm an attention whore, I like attention. When I got home, basically just MSN and... me crying the entire remainder of the night.
It's really difficult. It really is. Amanda came eventually to talk to me. There are a lot of things we realised...
a.) I know exactly what's going on, what I want, what is the problem, and what I should do. What is keeping me from it? Answer is... cause there is no solution. Sometimes things just don't go your way and there is nothing you can do about it. Things just won't go your way. Time won't turn back. The future does not just fall in place. What can you do? There is nothing you can do. When it is truly out of your control, it is TRULY OUT OF YOUR CONTROL!
b.) No, I have not 'given up' in the literal sense. To really give up on all hope would mean that I take my own life and I obviously haven't done that, nor will I do that. Just cause I hope, wish and know that good things will happen one day. Even if the one day is like 3 years away. It'll happen. I'm crying everyday. Why? Cause it hurts and it is gonna hurt for a long time. I'll just have to live with it.
c.) The idea of professional help. Now, I sort of hate counsellors. Cause I don't think I have a problem. But I keep saying this, and this itself might be a problem. I dunno, I said I don't have a problem. Yet Amanda says I do cause it isn't the problem itself, it's what it is doing to you. Cause it is interfering with daily life. I do realise it is slowly eating away at my ability to simply live. I am largely in denial of reality right now. I dunno how long I plan to stay in denial. I do know that if I stay too long like this I'll just get worse and worse. I don't know what makes up depression itself (like the actual mental disorder) - I've forgotten the symptoms (and this is my area of study!! LOL) but I can develop it if I leave myself like this for too long. But I do still think it is rather extreme if you see me swallowing anti-depressants. Just what I need! To become a druggie. LOL. I dunno, too much still. Least for now. I don't get how pills would work anyway. What haunts me right now are memories. Unless you give me something that can induce amnesia.
d.) It's a bit confusing cause I contradicted myself several hundred times while talking to her. I dunno, thoughts are a blur sometimes I guess. I think living simple is a good thing. Having simple thoughts. I contradict myself on my blog often too cause my thoughts a muddle. Just too many things. Everywhere. And what I say depends on my mood. Obviously when I'm in my cry fest I'll bring out everything that stabs into me the most.
I think I cried for like 3 hours today. Yes, it was bad. Then she left. And I went to brush my teeth and I started crying again while brushing my teeth. I was like... "this really sucks... T.T I can't even do something as basic as brush my teeth without crying... so much fail..." Yeah, so much fail. I just can't stop crying. I guess I'll cry myself to sleep tonight. There isn't much to think about anymore. Everything just really hurts. It just hurts. Hurts.. hurts... hurts. And the questions in my head? Include... why did everything have to be like this? Why the hell did I cause everything to be like this?
And lastly, "why can't I be a good person?"
Hehe. Cause you know... cause I'm not a good person. That things are like this. Yeah, I think I realised a long time ago. I've forgiven everything. And everyone. The only thing I have not forgiven is myself. And I never will. Because I caused this. What I feel right now is just karma. Yes, I do worry sometimes that me crying everyday is just gonna make me go increasingly more nuts but it is karma. I did this to myself. It is my fault. There is nothing wrong right now. It is all in my head. And even if there is something wrong, I DID THIS. I know that. It's just all me.
Now the hard part is to accept this reality for what it is.
Weird day. Me acting weird. I don't really get it anymore. I seriously just don't get it anymore. I don't know what to do. I honestly don't know what to do. And I'm acting increasingly more tired now. I'm sort of scared to be honest. I just feel like pulling stupid stunts all the time. People will probably grab me and start bitchslapping me for it but... I...
I just spent the morning trying to do readings. As usual, I had a hard time getting up. Hate waking up. Don't want to wake up. I never want to wake up. I hate the day. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I don't want this. I don't want this... why doe things have to be like this? Why did I cause things to be like this? It's all my fault and I know this is all karma. But... dammit. It's a bad question to ask yourself but a person should really never ask themselves why did it have to be like this? Cause things just happen the way they do... but still... After eating like whatever for lunch, I went to uni to catch up with Kimmy's K-Pop group. We're now officially called MVP so I'll call it that from now on. So yeah, for MVP practice. Oh, MVP stands for Most Valuable People I think, or More Virgins Please according to Alan. We went over Eat You Up and realise how much fail we are cause we forgot a good part of the dance. Even though we should have finished it already. Then Alan was practicing Mirotic with Jason while I studied and Sebby + Kimmy gossiped and giggled about things. We decided to end early at 3 PM due to lack of interest and laziness. And having no room. Haha.
Uhh... stood around talking and stuffs until maccas monday. I had a sundae there, I'm supposed to be on a diet and no spending monies but I still indulge once in a while just cause if I take too many things away I'll go mad one day. I left like at 5 PM. I wanted to go home to make pie but ended up on MSN for quite a bit. Then it was 6 PM. And Sha was like... just eat instant food / leftovers as I have wu shu. Dinner was... uneventful.
Near to 8 PM, I got really... well 'anxious' was what I wrote on Facebook and MSN, but it was more like just plain upset. It was hard but I went downstairs anyway and left the house even more upset due to a few careless comments people made (which I won't blame them for - I should be less sensitive and how would anyone have known what I was thinking at the time?). The walk to wu shu was bad in that I decided while staring at the dark sky, and breathing the cold air, and watching as the cars just pass by. I thought I wouldn't come home. Dunno, spend the night just staring at the sky or something. Sounds perfectly good! So I went to wu su and did the usual stuff there. Scott came back today surprisingly (wonder where he went). We all had to do our basic forms by ourselves to be critiqued by Master Tang, so I did mine and he said it was good. Just need to work on basic stuff like punches. Lydia asked me how I did - hopefully I can go back to working on cadjuls in the next few weeks (wooden staff).
I left wu shu... I did not plan to return home. But... gah. John was outside with his bike. To walk me home. So.. there goes my plan. Maybe it is a positive thing of course. Obviously a part of myself wanted someone to come and fetch me, people naturally want to feel wanted, to feel loved and appreciated. So I would come home when I see someone going through the trouble of getting me. I'm an attention whore, I like attention. When I got home, basically just MSN and... me crying the entire remainder of the night.
It's really difficult. It really is. Amanda came eventually to talk to me. There are a lot of things we realised...
a.) I know exactly what's going on, what I want, what is the problem, and what I should do. What is keeping me from it? Answer is... cause there is no solution. Sometimes things just don't go your way and there is nothing you can do about it. Things just won't go your way. Time won't turn back. The future does not just fall in place. What can you do? There is nothing you can do. When it is truly out of your control, it is TRULY OUT OF YOUR CONTROL!
b.) No, I have not 'given up' in the literal sense. To really give up on all hope would mean that I take my own life and I obviously haven't done that, nor will I do that. Just cause I hope, wish and know that good things will happen one day. Even if the one day is like 3 years away. It'll happen. I'm crying everyday. Why? Cause it hurts and it is gonna hurt for a long time. I'll just have to live with it.
c.) The idea of professional help. Now, I sort of hate counsellors. Cause I don't think I have a problem. But I keep saying this, and this itself might be a problem. I dunno, I said I don't have a problem. Yet Amanda says I do cause it isn't the problem itself, it's what it is doing to you. Cause it is interfering with daily life. I do realise it is slowly eating away at my ability to simply live. I am largely in denial of reality right now. I dunno how long I plan to stay in denial. I do know that if I stay too long like this I'll just get worse and worse. I don't know what makes up depression itself (like the actual mental disorder) - I've forgotten the symptoms (and this is my area of study!! LOL) but I can develop it if I leave myself like this for too long. But I do still think it is rather extreme if you see me swallowing anti-depressants. Just what I need! To become a druggie. LOL. I dunno, too much still. Least for now. I don't get how pills would work anyway. What haunts me right now are memories. Unless you give me something that can induce amnesia.
d.) It's a bit confusing cause I contradicted myself several hundred times while talking to her. I dunno, thoughts are a blur sometimes I guess. I think living simple is a good thing. Having simple thoughts. I contradict myself on my blog often too cause my thoughts a muddle. Just too many things. Everywhere. And what I say depends on my mood. Obviously when I'm in my cry fest I'll bring out everything that stabs into me the most.
I think I cried for like 3 hours today. Yes, it was bad. Then she left. And I went to brush my teeth and I started crying again while brushing my teeth. I was like... "this really sucks... T.T I can't even do something as basic as brush my teeth without crying... so much fail..." Yeah, so much fail. I just can't stop crying. I guess I'll cry myself to sleep tonight. There isn't much to think about anymore. Everything just really hurts. It just hurts. Hurts.. hurts... hurts. And the questions in my head? Include... why did everything have to be like this? Why the hell did I cause everything to be like this?
And lastly, "why can't I be a good person?"
Hehe. Cause you know... cause I'm not a good person. That things are like this. Yeah, I think I realised a long time ago. I've forgiven everything. And everyone. The only thing I have not forgiven is myself. And I never will. Because I caused this. What I feel right now is just karma. Yes, I do worry sometimes that me crying everyday is just gonna make me go increasingly more nuts but it is karma. I did this to myself. It is my fault. There is nothing wrong right now. It is all in my head. And even if there is something wrong, I DID THIS. I know that. It's just all me.
Now the hard part is to accept this reality for what it is.
Sunday, 2 August 2009
The days when it just hurts...
I think in the morning I only slept a few hours. It was the first time for a long time that I didn't just drop off to sleep out of exhaustion. I was tossing, turning and generally uncomfortable. I recall crying, whacking myself against the wall (there's a pillow on the wall though so it doesn't hurt + plus I wouldn't wanna wake up Sha) and scrunching up like a mushroom on my bed. Hah. It was sort of sad really. What a crap night. If every night was like that I wouldn't want night to ever come again. But I hope that doesn't happen, cause you know... it was only through sleep that I felt most peaceful. I don't want that taken from me either.
The day was spent at home. I was supposed to go to Open Day with Leon, Sammi and Vu but everyone bailed (including myself). Although Tom and Jeremy phoned me in the afternoon wondering where we were. I just attempted to study for the day but it was minimal still. I did a bit of reading, but not enough that I'll get everything I need done by next week. Yeah, I'm in trouble. Yes, I'll find a way to stop this stupidity. Somehow. I can't concentrate. I know that. I'm glad that my work this sem isn't very academic, so that I don't need to focus as much as I have to. As my work is mostly research based, I'll just do something simple and within my interest. To save myself.
So I ate lunch with Sha at 1 PM-ish. Cooked pancakes using the pancake mix that Jia Chee left behind. Xin didn't come back from church so I assumed she was just lunch-ing with Jono. Around 10 AM-ish, I was supposed to be studying but I found myself napping in bed again. Or not napping, more like moping if you ask me. Bah. Yes, I am trying to mark down the number of times in a day I start moping cause I need to reduce that. I will probably snap soon if I keep on going like this. Afternoon was... I dunno, MSN + another nap (or not) and a bit of study. Dinner was near to 7 PM, with Sha, Xin and Valerie (Sha's friend). After dinner, Sha, me, Xin, Cas and Thomas were talking for ages. From a range of topics. It was an intense topic cause it was mostly about abuse and stuff.
Before dinner, I was chatting to Kailun. I think that for someone who has never been 'depressed' before (in the traditional sense) he knows his stuff. What was running through my mind was that he was right. But the thing is, I think I already realised all these things already. That's why I say to people "Celine is a lost cause. Ignore me. Leave me alone. If you don't, I'll probably hurt you one day anyway."
[b][c=#C40000][/c=#1A790F][/b] [a=11][c=13]-倫仔[/c][c=12][/c][/a] says:
Now celine.
people can only help you so much.
i think i know what the problem that you have.
It is Insecurity.
lack of belief.
somebody has broken your trust before
and you have never regained from it
am i right?
The reply I sort of got to a statement I often made. That I have fear that people will leave if I don't "get better" fast enough. If I don't be who you want Celine to be fast enough. Because... people have left me. When I thought they never would. So... how do I know no one else will? Was it wrong for me to trust and believe in someone when they said they would never leave? I think I was talking to Cas in the afternoon too. I dunno, I think I told her what I told Leon not too long ago also. I feel silly being 'sad' right now because there isn't really any reason. Like, my reason isn't a good enough of a reason. Everyone else has more reasons. But even if I think this something still feels wrong. And if it feels wrong it means there is a problem, right?
I guess the last few lines made even more sense.
[b][c=#C40000][/c=#1A790F][/b] [a=11][c=13]-倫仔[/c][c=12][/c][/a] says:
You think you can do everything by yourself.
The problems will go away if you try not to think about them
But it doesn't go away does it.
It comes back, this is why you feel depressed sometimes
but you push it away again.
YOU PUSH IT AWAY HARDER
YOU'RE THINKING
THIS TIME, I PUSHED IT SO HARD IT'S NOT GOING TO COME BACK
IT WON'T BOTHER ME.
but it did come back didn't it.
am i right?
Pretty good for someone I've never said a single thing too. But yeah, like I said. I know what's wrong. And I can't help myself. Case closed. I just feel like crap every single day. I tried to put everything to the back of my mind. I tried to ignore it all. I tried to tell myself "It's okay. I can do this. Everything is okay. I will move on."
But if I said I can't? Then what do I do? Emotions are so dumb. Why does missing someone have to hurt so much? Everyday I walk around, I feel like part of my soul is missing. I don't feel alive. But what can I do? There is nothing I can do. Everything is too late. Gone. Over. And I'm left behind here. Wondering what the hell I should do...
>> || ............. says:
Haha, to be hurt is to be alive.
People will get over things. No matter what.
And get hurt again. And get over that too.
[b][c=#C40000][/c=#1A790F][/b] [a=11][c=13]-倫仔[/c][c=12][/c][/a] says:
no celine.
you are wrong.
You can never magically get over things.
There is only one way you can.
However you must understand some things first.
Being hurt doesn't mean that you are alive.
being hurt means that you are dying
I dunno, just things for me to think about I guess...
The day was spent at home. I was supposed to go to Open Day with Leon, Sammi and Vu but everyone bailed (including myself). Although Tom and Jeremy phoned me in the afternoon wondering where we were. I just attempted to study for the day but it was minimal still. I did a bit of reading, but not enough that I'll get everything I need done by next week. Yeah, I'm in trouble. Yes, I'll find a way to stop this stupidity. Somehow. I can't concentrate. I know that. I'm glad that my work this sem isn't very academic, so that I don't need to focus as much as I have to. As my work is mostly research based, I'll just do something simple and within my interest. To save myself.
So I ate lunch with Sha at 1 PM-ish. Cooked pancakes using the pancake mix that Jia Chee left behind. Xin didn't come back from church so I assumed she was just lunch-ing with Jono. Around 10 AM-ish, I was supposed to be studying but I found myself napping in bed again. Or not napping, more like moping if you ask me. Bah. Yes, I am trying to mark down the number of times in a day I start moping cause I need to reduce that. I will probably snap soon if I keep on going like this. Afternoon was... I dunno, MSN + another nap (or not) and a bit of study. Dinner was near to 7 PM, with Sha, Xin and Valerie (Sha's friend). After dinner, Sha, me, Xin, Cas and Thomas were talking for ages. From a range of topics. It was an intense topic cause it was mostly about abuse and stuff.
Before dinner, I was chatting to Kailun. I think that for someone who has never been 'depressed' before (in the traditional sense) he knows his stuff. What was running through my mind was that he was right. But the thing is, I think I already realised all these things already. That's why I say to people "Celine is a lost cause. Ignore me. Leave me alone. If you don't, I'll probably hurt you one day anyway."
[b][c=#C40000][/c=#1A790F][/b] [a=11][c=13]-倫仔[/c][c=12][/c][/a] says:
Now celine.
people can only help you so much.
i think i know what the problem that you have.
It is Insecurity.
lack of belief.
somebody has broken your trust before
and you have never regained from it
am i right?
The reply I sort of got to a statement I often made. That I have fear that people will leave if I don't "get better" fast enough. If I don't be who you want Celine to be fast enough. Because... people have left me. When I thought they never would. So... how do I know no one else will? Was it wrong for me to trust and believe in someone when they said they would never leave? I think I was talking to Cas in the afternoon too. I dunno, I think I told her what I told Leon not too long ago also. I feel silly being 'sad' right now because there isn't really any reason. Like, my reason isn't a good enough of a reason. Everyone else has more reasons. But even if I think this something still feels wrong. And if it feels wrong it means there is a problem, right?
I guess the last few lines made even more sense.
[b][c=#C40000][/c=#1A790F][/b] [a=11][c=13]-倫仔[/c][c=12][/c][/a] says:
You think you can do everything by yourself.
The problems will go away if you try not to think about them
But it doesn't go away does it.
It comes back, this is why you feel depressed sometimes
but you push it away again.
YOU PUSH IT AWAY HARDER
YOU'RE THINKING
THIS TIME, I PUSHED IT SO HARD IT'S NOT GOING TO COME BACK
IT WON'T BOTHER ME.
but it did come back didn't it.
am i right?
Pretty good for someone I've never said a single thing too. But yeah, like I said. I know what's wrong. And I can't help myself. Case closed. I just feel like crap every single day. I tried to put everything to the back of my mind. I tried to ignore it all. I tried to tell myself "It's okay. I can do this. Everything is okay. I will move on."
But if I said I can't? Then what do I do? Emotions are so dumb. Why does missing someone have to hurt so much? Everyday I walk around, I feel like part of my soul is missing. I don't feel alive. But what can I do? There is nothing I can do. Everything is too late. Gone. Over. And I'm left behind here. Wondering what the hell I should do...
>> || ............. says:
Haha, to be hurt is to be alive.
People will get over things. No matter what.
And get hurt again. And get over that too.
[b][c=#C40000][/c=#1A790F][/b] [a=11][c=13]-倫仔[/c][c=12][/c][/a] says:
no celine.
you are wrong.
You can never magically get over things.
There is only one way you can.
However you must understand some things first.
Being hurt doesn't mean that you are alive.
being hurt means that you are dying
I dunno, just things for me to think about I guess...
Saturday, 1 August 2009
I left my hand out... waiting forever for you to take it.
The day. The day. I don't know. Let's just talk about it first. I overslept by 4 hours again. Cause I didn't want to wake up. Gah. FUCK IT. Okay, I got up, took a shower then went to Springvale with Ai Fang and Sha. We went for yum cha. It was good of course. Had a good time chatting to Ai Fang and eating different kinds of foods. It's cool that she knows how to cook a lot of the foods there at the yum cha place in Springy~ Then we went grocery shopping and stuffs. I bought a lot of baked goods for next week's lunch, lol. And meat for dinner. Bought bubble tea - although the one at Springvale isn't as good (but cheaper - assuming you aren't at HappyCup). And there goes my money for the week. My wallet was literally empty by the end. I am spending too much. Gah.
We got home by like 2:17 PM and I went out again near to 3 PM for Volleyball! There was me, Sebby, Sha, Cas, Thomas, Leon, Vu, Lesley, Bernie-kun and his girlfriend Melissa (yes he isn't single anymore!! How dare he keep this all from us!!!). Leon came a bit late, so me and Vu went to get him as he wonderously wandered around lost (also known as - walk in the opposite direction from where we actually were). Actual volleyball... well, I am the ultimate fail to be honest. I can only serve. Vu is really good but he played in high school he said. Leon hits with too much strength, so whenever he served everyone on his team ducked. It was funny to watch Sha play cause she ducked a lot to stay safe from... everyone. LOL. Vu and Thomas I think both smacked the ball outside the gate area, first time Lesley like climbed over the gate (SO EPIC I WANNA CLIMB OVER A GATE!!) then Vu did it then Thomas did it! So cool.
After that it started raining. And it was cold. So we left. Les drove people home, while me, Leon and Vu walked home. Then we all hate hot choco and tea at my house. Yi Xin came home from her day outing with cousins, and like brought home churros!! Yay~ Les didn't eat any though (I was guessing she's still on her no-choco diet). We sat and chatted for like more then an hour I think then Sebby + Les left. Kei Boon and John were like cooking the entire time, while me, Sha, Xin, Cas, Thomas, Vu and Leon were like sitting around talking. I was kinda happy that Thomas and Cas were able to talk to Vu and Leon and the rest of us - cause sometimes when I have friends over it doesn't always match up. And it just gets awkward. But the two guys are way friendly so I'm glad it was good (well Cas said that she liked them for once lol - the randoms we bring home).
After Vu and Leon left... uhh I cooked my apple crumble pie for dessert. And the guys had finished their dinner contribution already, Xin made soup, Sha did vegetables and Ai Fang made fried mince wrapped in that beancurd skin and curry chicken. And yeah, the house ate dinner together - which was really good. Cooking dinner in the small kitchen was rather chaotic though, John is incredibly mean to me and keeps intentionally bumping into me at every chance he can find. Kei Boon pretends to be the good kid until he starts playing jokes on you or goes sarcastic. XD It's funny though. Ai Fang's curry was spicy, hahaha. My apple crumble pie was too wet - but it was alright I suppose. I went back to my room early to 'study' which didn't happen. It was just MSN for the rest of the night.
I tried.
It seems that my distraction for the past few days may be over soon. What distraction? Well... as someone said it to me "I see. When you help other people with their problems you forget your own temporarily." That pretty much sums me up. Then I think both Leon and Yi Xin asked me basically "So like... what is gonna happen to you now?" Good question. I would like to know this too. Where does this leave me? I don't know. It's cool if everything works out for my mates in current times. It looks like this is what's happening. So I'm glad. Now I wonder... how long am I gonna be left here waiting... for my wish to come true?
I don't know. I said I needed another distraction. To get me through the next week. I don't know. I just hate this all. Maybe. Perhaps. I don't see why I need a distraction in life. What am I seeking? I don't know. I was having this convo once on what it meant to be depressed (not depression of course - no mental illnesses here). I thought I wasn't depressed or anything. But then I heard someone else describing what being depressed meant to them and well... I know that feeling all too well. So I guess I do cover those symptoms. You know, when you hate to wake up, when you feel unmotivated to do anything (whether it's homework, or just fun stuff like gaming or anime watching), when you don't feel like eating, when you just want to sleep and never wake up again... greatest joy right now is for me to escape reality as much as I can. Be in denial. And wish time would just stop forever. But it doesn't, it never has and it never will. And I don't know how I can adjust to this any longer.
I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate hate hate hate hate all of this.
I had another convo to talk about the importance of people and their problems. My problem is very minor. Damn, I hate myself. I can't handle anything, eh? I fail at life. I am overly dependant, and can't adjust. Can't accept things. I just wanna escape. But I can't escape. I don't know. Everyone else faces greater things then me? Why am I not stronger then? Why can't I be okay? Am I okay? People ask me what's up. I don't want to say "I'm okay." I am NOT OKAY. I have never been okay. I don't ever recall being okay.
I just wanna smash my head continously against a wall. Maybe if I do that I'll get amnesia. Then I'll be okay. That'll be awesome. But I don't want a concussion. Yes, I am rambling. It's what happens when I'm in this mood where I'm confused. I dunno, maybe I'll just be a mushroom again next week. Against a wall. Until I see a hand reaching out for me, part of me can't even remember what I've been waiting for all this time. But I know that I previously decided, and felt - upon my self that I would wait as long as I needed to.
I wish it was raining right now. If it was I would sooo take a walk in the rain. I did that once. I left the house here at like 12 AM. For no reason. I sat in the rain. I remember that day. I just dreamed of someone coming to hold out a hand and ask me to go back inside. No one came in the end. I went in after a half hour or so when I was freezing. Okay, there is no reason doing that. As there is no reason to dream in this world. But whatever. Even if I continued to stay alone, the rain and the cold felt nice I guess.
Haha. I guess if a mood was a song I'd be playing Richard Marx' "Right Here Waiting."
We got home by like 2:17 PM and I went out again near to 3 PM for Volleyball! There was me, Sebby, Sha, Cas, Thomas, Leon, Vu, Lesley, Bernie-kun and his girlfriend Melissa (yes he isn't single anymore!! How dare he keep this all from us!!!). Leon came a bit late, so me and Vu went to get him as he wonderously wandered around lost (also known as - walk in the opposite direction from where we actually were). Actual volleyball... well, I am the ultimate fail to be honest. I can only serve. Vu is really good but he played in high school he said. Leon hits with too much strength, so whenever he served everyone on his team ducked. It was funny to watch Sha play cause she ducked a lot to stay safe from... everyone. LOL. Vu and Thomas I think both smacked the ball outside the gate area, first time Lesley like climbed over the gate (SO EPIC I WANNA CLIMB OVER A GATE!!) then Vu did it then Thomas did it! So cool.
After that it started raining. And it was cold. So we left. Les drove people home, while me, Leon and Vu walked home. Then we all hate hot choco and tea at my house. Yi Xin came home from her day outing with cousins, and like brought home churros!! Yay~ Les didn't eat any though (I was guessing she's still on her no-choco diet). We sat and chatted for like more then an hour I think then Sebby + Les left. Kei Boon and John were like cooking the entire time, while me, Sha, Xin, Cas, Thomas, Vu and Leon were like sitting around talking. I was kinda happy that Thomas and Cas were able to talk to Vu and Leon and the rest of us - cause sometimes when I have friends over it doesn't always match up. And it just gets awkward. But the two guys are way friendly so I'm glad it was good (well Cas said that she liked them for once lol - the randoms we bring home).
After Vu and Leon left... uhh I cooked my apple crumble pie for dessert. And the guys had finished their dinner contribution already, Xin made soup, Sha did vegetables and Ai Fang made fried mince wrapped in that beancurd skin and curry chicken. And yeah, the house ate dinner together - which was really good. Cooking dinner in the small kitchen was rather chaotic though, John is incredibly mean to me and keeps intentionally bumping into me at every chance he can find. Kei Boon pretends to be the good kid until he starts playing jokes on you or goes sarcastic. XD It's funny though. Ai Fang's curry was spicy, hahaha. My apple crumble pie was too wet - but it was alright I suppose. I went back to my room early to 'study' which didn't happen. It was just MSN for the rest of the night.
I tried.
It seems that my distraction for the past few days may be over soon. What distraction? Well... as someone said it to me "I see. When you help other people with their problems you forget your own temporarily." That pretty much sums me up. Then I think both Leon and Yi Xin asked me basically "So like... what is gonna happen to you now?" Good question. I would like to know this too. Where does this leave me? I don't know. It's cool if everything works out for my mates in current times. It looks like this is what's happening. So I'm glad. Now I wonder... how long am I gonna be left here waiting... for my wish to come true?
I don't know. I said I needed another distraction. To get me through the next week. I don't know. I just hate this all. Maybe. Perhaps. I don't see why I need a distraction in life. What am I seeking? I don't know. I was having this convo once on what it meant to be depressed (not depression of course - no mental illnesses here). I thought I wasn't depressed or anything. But then I heard someone else describing what being depressed meant to them and well... I know that feeling all too well. So I guess I do cover those symptoms. You know, when you hate to wake up, when you feel unmotivated to do anything (whether it's homework, or just fun stuff like gaming or anime watching), when you don't feel like eating, when you just want to sleep and never wake up again... greatest joy right now is for me to escape reality as much as I can. Be in denial. And wish time would just stop forever. But it doesn't, it never has and it never will. And I don't know how I can adjust to this any longer.
I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate hate hate hate hate all of this.
I had another convo to talk about the importance of people and their problems. My problem is very minor. Damn, I hate myself. I can't handle anything, eh? I fail at life. I am overly dependant, and can't adjust. Can't accept things. I just wanna escape. But I can't escape. I don't know. Everyone else faces greater things then me? Why am I not stronger then? Why can't I be okay? Am I okay? People ask me what's up. I don't want to say "I'm okay." I am NOT OKAY. I have never been okay. I don't ever recall being okay.
I just wanna smash my head continously against a wall. Maybe if I do that I'll get amnesia. Then I'll be okay. That'll be awesome. But I don't want a concussion. Yes, I am rambling. It's what happens when I'm in this mood where I'm confused. I dunno, maybe I'll just be a mushroom again next week. Against a wall. Until I see a hand reaching out for me, part of me can't even remember what I've been waiting for all this time. But I know that I previously decided, and felt - upon my self that I would wait as long as I needed to.
I wish it was raining right now. If it was I would sooo take a walk in the rain. I did that once. I left the house here at like 12 AM. For no reason. I sat in the rain. I remember that day. I just dreamed of someone coming to hold out a hand and ask me to go back inside. No one came in the end. I went in after a half hour or so when I was freezing. Okay, there is no reason doing that. As there is no reason to dream in this world. But whatever. Even if I continued to stay alone, the rain and the cold felt nice I guess.
Haha. I guess if a mood was a song I'd be playing Richard Marx' "Right Here Waiting."
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