The days when it just hurts...

I think in the morning I only slept a few hours. It was the first time for a long time that I didn't just drop off to sleep out of exhaustion. I was tossing, turning and generally uncomfortable. I recall crying, whacking myself against the wall (there's a pillow on the wall though so it doesn't hurt + plus I wouldn't wanna wake up Sha) and scrunching up like a mushroom on my bed. Hah. It was sort of sad really. What a crap night. If every night was like that I wouldn't want night to ever come again. But I hope that doesn't happen, cause you know... it was only through sleep that I felt most peaceful. I don't want that taken from me either.

The day was spent at home. I was supposed to go to Open Day with Leon, Sammi and Vu but everyone bailed (including myself). Although Tom and Jeremy phoned me in the afternoon wondering where we were. I just attempted to study for the day but it was minimal still. I did a bit of reading, but not enough that I'll get everything I need done by next week. Yeah, I'm in trouble. Yes, I'll find a way to stop this stupidity. Somehow. I can't concentrate. I know that. I'm glad that my work this sem isn't very academic, so that I don't need to focus as much as I have to. As my work is mostly research based, I'll just do something simple and within my interest. To save myself.

So I ate lunch with Sha at 1 PM-ish. Cooked pancakes using the pancake mix that Jia Chee left behind. Xin didn't come back from church so I assumed she was just lunch-ing with Jono. Around 10 AM-ish, I was supposed to be studying but I found myself napping in bed again. Or not napping, more like moping if you ask me. Bah. Yes, I am trying to mark down the number of times in a day I start moping cause I need to reduce that. I will probably snap soon if I keep on going like this. Afternoon was... I dunno, MSN + another nap (or not) and a bit of study. Dinner was near to 7 PM, with Sha, Xin and Valerie (Sha's friend). After dinner, Sha, me, Xin, Cas and Thomas were talking for ages. From a range of topics. It was an intense topic cause it was mostly about abuse and stuff.

Before dinner, I was chatting to Kailun. I think that for someone who has never been 'depressed' before (in the traditional sense) he knows his stuff. What was running through my mind was that he was right. But the thing is, I think I already realised all these things already. That's why I say to people "Celine is a lost cause. Ignore me. Leave me alone. If you don't, I'll probably hurt you one day anyway."

[b][c=#C40000][/c=#1A790F][/b] [a=11][c=13]-倫仔[/c][c=12][/c][/a] says:
Now celine.
people can only help you so much.
i think i know what the problem that you have.
It is Insecurity.
lack of belief.
somebody has broken your trust before
and you have never regained from it
am i right?

The reply I sort of got to a statement I often made. That I have fear that people will leave if I don't "get better" fast enough. If I don't be who you want Celine to be fast enough. Because... people have left me. When I thought they never would. So... how do I know no one else will? Was it wrong for me to trust and believe in someone when they said they would never leave? I think I was talking to Cas in the afternoon too. I dunno, I think I told her what I told Leon not too long ago also. I feel silly being 'sad' right now because there isn't really any reason. Like, my reason isn't a good enough of a reason. Everyone else has more reasons. But even if I think this something still feels wrong. And if it feels wrong it means there is a problem, right?

I guess the last few lines made even more sense.

[b][c=#C40000][/c=#1A790F][/b] [a=11][c=13]-倫仔[/c][c=12][/c][/a] says:
You think you can do everything by yourself.
The problems will go away if you try not to think about them
But it doesn't go away does it.
It comes back, this is why you feel depressed sometimes
but you push it away again.
YOU PUSH IT AWAY HARDER
YOU'RE THINKING
THIS TIME, I PUSHED IT SO HARD IT'S NOT GOING TO COME BACK
IT WON'T BOTHER ME.
but it did come back didn't it.
am i right?

Pretty good for someone I've never said a single thing too. But yeah, like I said. I know what's wrong. And I can't help myself. Case closed. I just feel like crap every single day. I tried to put everything to the back of my mind. I tried to ignore it all. I tried to tell myself "It's okay. I can do this. Everything is okay. I will move on."

But if I said I can't? Then what do I do? Emotions are so dumb. Why does missing someone have to hurt so much? Everyday I walk around, I feel like part of my soul is missing. I don't feel alive. But what can I do? There is nothing I can do. Everything is too late. Gone. Over. And I'm left behind here. Wondering what the hell I should do...

>> || ............. says:
Haha, to be hurt is to be alive.
People will get over things. No matter what.
And get hurt again. And get over that too.
[b][c=#C40000][/c=#1A790F][/b] [a=11][c=13]-倫仔[/c][c=12][/c][/a] says:
no celine.
you are wrong.
You can never magically get over things.
There is only one way you can.
However you must understand some things first.
Being hurt doesn't mean that you are alive.
being hurt means that you are dying

I dunno, just things for me to think about I guess...