Yay for not eating again...

Nothing lasts forever and life is too short. Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh when you can. Apologize when you should. Let go of what you can't change. Love deeply and forgive quickly. Drink it down. Avoid bullshit. Take chances. Give everything. Life is to short to be unhappy. Take the good with the bad. Smile when your sad. Love what you got. Always remember what you had. Always forgive but never forget. Learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change and things go wrong. But always remember... life goes on.

Found that off a friend's Facebook page thingy. I thought it was rather pretty. Of a quote. If only quotes worked on me. I tend to like reading them when I'm upset but they don't really do much to uplift. I just use them to remind myself, that everything is good. So embrace it all. Like today. Everything was good. But I felt really ill, I had to try to hard to have fun, to be happy, to be a friend, to be me...

I woke up to get to the primary school I was heading to today. Clayton North Primary School! When I got there, as usual people were confused at my arrival. The lady I was supposed to look for was not informed of my arrival... UHHH... WHUUUT. Again. T.T I waited in the staff room and was taken to some year 4 class I think. Then after 20 minutes while they were doing some Maths thing... I was taken out again cause the lady realised who I was supposed to sit with and knew of me coming. One of the prep teachers. XD So yeah I got taken to prep. It was a fun morning with the preps. They are cute and generally kids. Did a bunch of activities, mostly writing related - the teacher was emphasising on sound, trying to get the children to pronounce words correctly and write basic words from that. I noticed kids were mixing up the "e" and "a" sound. Reminded me of Xin saying "pens" and "pants" the same way mostly (supposedly) because of the "e" and "a" sounds, lol. I just sat with the kids and helped a bit here and there with work although the teacher had to remind me to not help them too much cause kids get dependant and lazy after a while if you do that.

Sat through a RE lesson. I dunno, I think religious education for prep children is just weird. I know you have to start off young but it's funnyhow they honestly don't care what the teacher is saying. I was chatting to the prep teacher for a bit, telling her stuffs. She was really nice. I just wandered aronud during break, and sat in the staff room for a bit. There was another student teacher there on placement for 6 weeks. The school is small compared to what I am used to, with 250-ish students, but I think working in a small school is nice actually. I dunno... big schools are too big for me. But I'm a secondary teacher so yeah... unless I go to a 'special' school or alternative teaching school (Montessori, Steiner and etc) they will be big schools I'm sure. At lunch, it was raining so the kids had to stay in. I wanted to go soon so I left by 2 PM.

I said thanks then left. Umm... Rachel had phoned, everyone was at badminton already. So I walked over to the sports centre (took me like 20 mins). Yay badminton! Uhh... who was there... a lot of people. Rachel, Vu, Leon, Sammi, Kimmy, Jeremy, Linda, Evan, Law, K-man, Steve, Yih, Yadhav, Sam, Amanda T. and it could go on and on. I wasn't gonna play but I did in the end! At first, I just sat with Sammi and Jeremy and others chatting about stuff with a group of people. We had our own circle of trust which wasn't much of a circle or trust in it to be honest. Oh wells. Haha. Then umm... Leon made me play badminton... so I tried out a team with Leon vs Yadhav and... gahh who was the other person @.@ OMG memory lapse!! LOL. After that it was about time to go! Uhh... Yih, Amanda T and Vu went to play rollarskating hockey I think after that. Rest of us went back to airport lounge. At airport lounge... Uhhh me Rachel and Jeremy first watched 6th episode of Umineko! EPIC!! I got a call during this time! Uhh.. apparently I have a job interview on Weds! From Camp Australia!! They run before and after school child care programs. So I hope I can get casual work there! Someone actually phoned me back. O.o

Then Alan went to show me a piano piece he's learning. Then um... sat around with Kimmy, Alan, Amanda Du, Evan and whoever else, chatting about stuff, practicing singing karaoke and what not. It was fun. I kept doing that stupid chacarron thingy hahaha. When Xin came, me, Linda and Xin were acting like jellyfish together cause we were all wearing long coats (in different colors) which I found funny. And chasing Andrew Kim cause he thought we were weird. We waited for the last few people then went off to Springvale for viet food!! It was F4 tonight so everyone was meeting at 6 PM organised by Kimmy this week!

We took the bus and train. Uneventful in general. I just sat and talked to Xin and stuffs. At the actual place... well we didn't want Steve, Leon and Sammi to get stabbed. Oh and Borgy!! Haha. At the actual place... um... I sat next to Borgy and Will. On the table was Alan, Kimmy, Xin, Steve, Amanda T., K-man and I can't remember who else since people changed seats at the end. Dinner was okay... I sort of didn't... eat very much. At all. Nor did Alan. I ordered chilli chicken sort of thing, Will ordered it too. And pearl milk tea. I didn't have much of an appetite. I think I ate like half my plate of food. Dinner was fun. Umm... we talked a lot and were really noisy. To the point that another patron came by to scold us for making too much noise. We also played chinese whispers around our round table when people started leaving in our group (we had around 30 people with us utilising 3 tables). It was mostly dirty things whispered. Borgy kept adding things in. It was funny to watch Yadhav and Steve suffer as they had to whisper things to Amanda T. In the end, it was just... umm... me, Leon, Sammi, Yi Xin, Amanda Du and K-man left. Then Jeremy and Chris came back cause they were gonna crash K-man's place. We were like talking about I dunno... random crap again. Then we left near to 9 PM and Lawrence was seen wandering around. O.o So dodgy... lol. Anyway, me, Leon, Sammi and Xin said bye to everyone and went to the train station ourselves as we were gonna go back to uni (and home).

Uhh... we missed the train by like 1 minute. So yeah.. had to wait 30 mins at Springvale station. Then another 10 at Clayton. Me and Xin were just talking about random things during the time. I was telling her how I felt weird. Like... I don't know how to say but like... I'm just a bit fearful of what the future holds. I don't know what I'm gonna do next year. Or where I am going. I don't know who I will stay with in the future. I fear if I'm gonna be alone. Cause you know... people move on. I won't be able to continue these peaceful daily lives forever. And I'm left behind? Is that my fate? I feel like it is. I recall... who was it who said this to me... they said "Celine... I think you need to stop... living for other people." I think I've been suffering these past few months because last year I thought finally maybe there was someone else I could live for. But by now I clearly realise that they don't need me. At all. And I always feel like. That I need everyone... but no one really NEEDS me. More like, yeah... it's nice to Celine around. But you know, even if I'm gone, it's okay too. Cause someone else can replace you. Cause everyone has so many people around them anyway, what do I do that makes it anymore special?

Loons said in the past few posts I had. Yeah, someone has broken my trust. I can't trust so easily now. I am paranoid now. I thought that I couldn't be replaced. I thought for once I was special to someone. I was wrong. Cause I am - was and is... easily replaced. Easily forgotten. Easily out of your life. I mean, I can understand why I don't mark high on the importance factor. I'm whiny, childish, selfish and largely dishonest... and needy. Overly dependant. I have an inferiority complex - and I see no reason why I should feel anymore superior to anyone. I don't have anything special at all...

I think I said to Xin... what kind of dream do I want for the future. My only wish...? I dunno, I think I just said "I want to eat dinner with a family." My dream. It's so simple... yet so difficult to achieve. I just wanna sit around a dinner table with my family and talk everyday with them. Like this. In case people are wondering... whuut Celine don't you get that when you're at home? Answer is no. Never have, and never will... I hate eating dinner by myself. Cause I've done that for too many years already. I guess the happy nuclear family is just propaganda but someone can wish can't they?

When we got home... uhh... I was just on MSN for the rest of the night. Sha was baking cake suprisingly. I went to sleep by 1 AM-ish... crying as usual. Why? Cause... I don't know... I just realised that... I really should just let go of whatever is still bothering me right now. Because... the only one... in this world.. still affected... still bothered... still in pain... and still able to remember every living second as though it was yesterday - is me. And no one else. Because I was the only one who found it important.

And thus... I am the only one who cannot forget and throw away everything as though it was nothing...