When things continue to go haywire...

And things continue to be weird. Can't be bothered doing my normal blog. Let's see... I am currently trying to get my head around....

1.) Helping two of my friends. I've been put in an odd position - I think I understand how Yi Xin felt now - being the one stuck in between. It confuses me. Greatly. And I do not like it, to watch one or the other... in so much pain. May they always be happy. It's a dumb thing to say but, even if I find it hard to smile, I really want everyone around me too. If my friends can be happy, I'll realise that one day I can too.

2.) I am getting increasingly restless. You will not know how much time I spend in my room, sitting there staring at the wall or ceiling wishing there was something I could do. If I had to be honest, I also really want my box cutter back. But I think if I ask Yi Xin now she won't give it back to me. And I do still have my promise to Leon... dammit Leon >.<>.> Even if it's for my own sake... Sha told me don't go and leave scars on yourself. Speaking of scars ~ the one on my arm I noticed is fading. So I'm pretty happy about that. I dunno whether I mentioned this or not. I had a scar on my arm from December I got from shopping... for a gift for someone. Cause I spent like a week running around looking for something nice, and during my rushing about I accidentally sliced a part of my arm. And the scar never disappeared from that. It really annoyed me because it was a reminder to me of my useless efforts (as I couldn't give it anymore by the time I could physically see that person again), and my useless times of hoping, wishing and looking forward to something. I don't know what these things mean anymore but either case, I'm glad the scar is disappearing.

3.) I feel bad. Yeah, I know people are worried. I'm sorry. Sorry to Xin, Sha, Leon, Sammi, K-man, Tom, James and everyone else... I did try to tell people to just forget about me and let me rot. But I know Xin and Leon at least said they would never give up... >.<;; Not too sure what to do...

I guess I may as well do the daily entries. Uhh.. I woke up at like... 10 AM. After sleeping at 1 last night. I've been sleeping too much these days. But it's a sign for me that something is wrong. Cause I refuse to wake up. I refuse to get out of bed. Because I would rather not have to wake up and face the day as usual anymore. It's why I sleep so much. I hate it of course. Even after getting up, within a half hour I was burying my head under my pillow again. And I think I cried a bit but it was like for only 5 minutes so meh... not really anything. I decided to get up straight after cause I was like "OH FUCK THIS SHIT..." and jumped out of bed to shower then go to uni to get some fish and chips.

So off to uni I went, and bought myself some fish and chips. I normally don't eat at uni due to budget constraints, but I said I would once a week. Saw Hieu and Kevin there. Then off to Airport Lounge. Umm... spent lunch chatting with K-man and Leon (and whoever else came near us once in a while). Mahjong group and gamers was basically there. I noticed that Kimmy, Rachel, Jeremy and others were missing. I found out later that everyone ran off to Knox without me. *sniffles* LOL I must learn to be online more often! But I wasn't online much yesterday anyway (by the time I got home, I spent the time drinking some hot choco then I continued sleeping practically in Xin's room half sobbing a bit and just chatting...).

Then the dantai went off. Our 4th day of continous practice. I should be able to complete the dance now for both Toroden and Princess Bride, just need to make it a bit better now. It seems that Jono has now forced both Damien and Martin to learn Hare Hare Yukai as people seem to be dropping out quite a bit. Funny stuff that happened.... uhh.. Amanda T. came to try on Ranna's schoolgirl uniform! It was SUPER MOE!!! CUTE CUTE CUTE. And wayyy sexy. I wanna be so cute and awesome like her *__* I wish wish wish wish~ Martin tried it on before she came. And he ran around being chased by Jono cause he didn't want his photo taken. BEST PHOTOS EVER. Check out Damien's photo album for the evidence of it all.

Near to 5 PM, I left when everyone else was gone. Went back to airport lounge and just sat talking to K-man, Brad, Lawrence, Will and randoms a bit. Leon, Mel, Linda and em' were like sitting at the stage watching a Jdrama on the couch. LOL. It was rather cute to see the group of them. Law kept shoving up the PLANTS VS ZOMBIES SONG IN MY EAR. THE HORROR. IT BURNS MY EARS!!! I left near to 6 PM and went home. Umm... Jono, Xin, Cas, Ai Fang, Kei Boon and John were in the kitchen. I decided to bake lava cakes which didn't turn out too well. Overcooked, I baked another two cakes that were a bit undercooked but more molten at least. I think it was decent (says Cas). Well, it was eating happiness apparently so I hope that means its good! Dinner was nice, Sha and Xin cooked. Chicken wings and some mushroom + vegetable dishes. Ate with Sha, Xin and Jono! Funny stuff in the kitchen... uhh.. Kei Boon keeps washing dishes and getting in my way. When John came home Sha was like "There is an ugly person outside making funny faces at me." and I tried to deny entry to 'ugly' people but John as usual pushed his way through.

And other random things I can't remember. Anyway, I went back to room at 9 PM, and continued to basically be on MSN for like another 5 hours. Trying my best to help people as I can. I don't think getting involved with things is always a good idea - as I don't wanna cause more problems, or influence anyone. But I hope people always remember that I'm always around to help you out too. So meh, just come and ask me. I dunno, I guess it's my personality - even when I'm crying in my own room, if you let me know that you need help - I'll probably put myself to the back of the line and priortise your welfare. I guess this is one of my stronger points - or maybe another example of my selfishness. Why an example? The notion of... helping others to make yourself feel better. I suspect that I support other people for my own welfare and satisfaction. Thus, it doesn't make me a good person at all. Makes me even worse. A real good person helps because they want to. Not because they do so for their own self satisfaction.

Tomorrow is another day. I am not to sure how much I want it to come. But I hate saying that I don't want tomorrow to come. It is insulting my precious friends to be depressed? So why...? I don't know. Keep in mind that I am merely 'depressed' though, I don't have depression (which is a mental illness). Thus, I am not saying anything anyone should be worried about. I realise now that I have little to worry for, and I can't even do anything crazy cause I a.) am not gonna get myself killed and b.) I won't hurt myself right now at least cause of my promise to Leon since I don't realy want to insult an important friend who is showing concern. And to everyone else too. Xin said so herself - that I should at least think about other people then who is watching over me. I know that. But it makes me hate myself even more.

Gah. Enough for today. Spent too many hours thinking already. Head hurting...