Will update blog soon. But I can note down a few things right now...
1.) I am falling behind work already. SAME MISTAKE AS SEMESTER 1! Go Celine! Being emotional. Thinking about the wrong things in class. And not listening. For the exact same reasons as semester 1. It seems that 5 FUCKING MONTHS of feeling like I have no more heart left in me hasn't done a thing. I tried my best to be happy! I really tried. I managed to get through exams and barely scrape through my units in semester 1. I owe a large amount of that to Leon, Amanda, Mel, James and em'.
I still haven't gotten anywhere though. GO ME!! I fail so badly. Sure, my little non-existent heart was taken away. I should of gotten it back. I should be okay now. I SHOULD BE OKAY NOW!! WHY AM I NOT???? WHY AM I FUCKING NOT???
2.) You know it's bad when you come home YESTERDAY (like TUESDAY) wondering where the FUCK YOU PUT ALL YOUR BOX CUTTERS IN YOUR ROOM. But don't worry! I can't find it. Amanda has it! No, I won't do anything. I'm not stupid. I made a promise to a friend I won't do anything stupid. So I will not break that promise or I'll insult his wishes. So I won't...
Now what the fuck do I do though? I don't want to FUCKING RISK FAILING THIS SEMESTER AGAIN. I can't concentrate in class. I can't laugh properly. I can't do anything properly. I hate it. I hate myself for being like this. I hate myself for being stupid. I hate myself for screwing up. I hate myself for saying the wrong things. I hate myself for doing this to myself. I hate myself for being a useless piece of trash that you would throw away because I am that useless piece of trash.
I am nothing.
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"Worry doesn't help tomorrow's troubles, but it does ruin today's happiness."
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4 comments:
you are a friend and non of the above. even if you cant concentrate force ur self to study, force your self. theres nothing else you can do but that
I am soo glad you couldn't find box cutter, you do not need to fall into a pattern of self-harm. There is no way its not going to help you, not the first time you do it, not the millionth time, trust me i know. You do not deserve/need/want pain...
Don't stress about uni, you passed last sem, you will pass this sem, it is hard to get into, you will be fine though in the end. You can't help how you feel, heartbreak is horrible and takes a long time to heal, things will be better one day, just gotta ride it out, i know that it sucks though.
Anyway just know that your friends love you to bits and that this world would be shit without you. You aren't nothing, you bring a lot of people happiness whether you believe this or not. You mean A LOT to a lot of people. No one thinks you are stupid, there is no evidence that you are. If you were stupid you wouldn't be in university. There is nothing to support the fact that people would "throw you away", you have plenty of loyal friends who will always support you. I know you feel bad about yourself, but everyone goes through bad times, it doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a strong person for surviving.
Really hope you feel better soon.
The box cutter will be mine forever. =.=
You're nothing that's not important.
And even if you remain nothing you're still a something to us. And even if you give yourself away a little more day by day - we'll be there to count you. We will try to fill your void but we won't force you. Because even if all that's left of you a less that what you'd consider something; in our eyes you forever remain something to us.
And we won't give up. Not on something. Not on nothing. Not on you.
Friends once, friends forever.
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