Back to Blogging?

"A part of me is always still really scared. I can't ever seem to catch up to anyone else. I always said I needed to change. But it isn't happening... I don't want to be left behind. The greatest fear of it all."

Okay, one part of me said that I'll go back to my... not so frequent blogging. As much as I would like to blog about what happened in this one year, too much has happened I won't be able to. I would like to one day though just to ... record down everything that has happened. Since well, feelings good, feelings bad they were what I thought, felt and experienced, and I'm the sort of person who wants to hold on to my memories, no matter how good or bad they were. Maybe I'll do a post another time when I can be bothered (which is probably not gonna happen). I should try to record everything down this year at least. 2008 was a year with a lot of change. For me anyway. The whole MCAC presidency thing. My grades sucking completely. I had a great time in Gold Coast with Stanny and Xin. Had probably the best MCAC event to date (our camp). Took part in the Mokuani Dantai which probably killed my grades but was definitely worth it. Met Damian... uhh... yeah and it goes on and on. I lost a lot of weight ~ which is so nice. Nearing 25 pounds now since the beginning of 2008. LOL. Not exactly the healthiest way though (and no, I wasn't starving myself, not my fault I was just never in the condition to eat). I don't really want to be fat forever. Now if only I could lose about 10 more and I would be satified. But I'm already eating an amount of food that is not very healthy. Anyway a lot of bad things happened too (towards the end of semester 2 I should say). When the world decided to start falling down. But all I can say is that I still love my house, my family and my friends. And it isn't gonna happen but I sometimes wish that moment of just laughing and having fun without worries at the dinner table could last forever.

Okay, let's start off with January 10, then. My bday. I didn't want to spend this day alone, or miserable. And I needed to get my mind off a lot of things. So a few days before I messaged Liz on MSN and phoned up Manju asking whether they would want to head out. As always, they are both incredibly busy people. But Liz cancelled her plans, Manju cancelled her dance practices and made sure the morning and afternoon were free at least. So yeah, I was happy for that. Uhh... night of the 9th. I was tired... since I had been working (oh yeah, I volunteered to work at ISB for the time being - it was a suggestion from Manju I think, but Mag said I should get my mind off things since I wasn't... very well, mentally, so yeah I am getting my mind off things!). Anyway, I fell asleep before midnight, lol. Woke up at midnight with a SMS from Amanda and Akmal. Which was a nice surprise. And Damian phoned too. =D

Woke up in the morning. Uhh... parents drove me to The Mall. It was raining really heavily. On the way, me and Rainy were exchanging text messages. She sent me a gift through Amanda during my KL Holiday but I opened it up thinking it was for Christmas. It was a clear photoframe that sits into a bunch of coloured cubes spelling my name. It's really cute, I'll bring it back to Aus and put a photo of the housemates there or something. :D So yay, I got there... uhh Manju and Liz were just standing there looking all hyper and happy. XD Lots of hugs and Manju and Liz going O.O cause I had a different haircut and they said I looked great. So I was like... nyaaa~ =D =D =D I saw them in December but from during Jan up to my birthday I ate absolutely nothing for more reasons then one so I guess weight dropped (by this time I have gained much of it back since I eat now, lol).

They asked me where to go for lunch. I was like.... "Hmmm... dunno, try Cheezbox?" and Liz forced me to go to Swensons. Uhh... okay. Found out later why, lol. So yeah, we ordered lunch, camwhored as usual~ haha lunch was good. Ordered a bunch of food. It was like refereshing for me just because I hadn't eaten so much... for quite a while. What did we have again... uhh, I ate Salmon baked rice, Liz and Manju shared Fish and Chips, Corn chips and chicken caesar salad (okay, I ate part of their food too, lol). Then I was wondering why Manju looked reluctant to eat anymore. Haha, I found out a bit later. A little surprise they had for me. Mmm... candles, brownie cake and ice cream. First surprise they ever did for me (first surprise anyone in Brunei ever did for me) and for the Melb people, lol I knew these two lovelies for like... 12 years (yes, I met them when I was 8). So I wasn't in tears but really touched. How I love them both so much (and you too Mag~ if only you were still in Brunei...). They both gave me little prezzies also which was nice and yeah paid for all the food we ate in Swensons <3 Anyway, after that we were shopping, looking at clothes, shoes and DVDs. Then we went to Utama Bowling (parents picked us up) and like... Liz doens't know how to bowl. And I suck at bowling. I gutter balled EVERY SINGLE BALL! I had like a score of 12. LOL. Even Liz got higher. And out of score one of the 9 pins was a shot I took. Manju was good but she said that she did nothing but bowl in Melbourne, lol.

Then we went to check out Soon Lee which looks like it is about to close down. Then over to Liz's shop (Knic Knacks) - one of Brunei's biggest gift stores. Then we went back to Jollibee since it was about time to go back (well parents were coming at 4:30 - since Liz had Church meetings and Manju had dance practice I think). Drank random things there, haha. Hmm. I went home... went to eat more cake with the family. Bro and his gf gave me their gifts to me. I got a total of uhh... oil burner from Manj, one of those pretty ladylike jewellery stands from Liz, USB drive from bro (I lost my old one so he got me another one lol), and those self-adhesive photo albums from my bro's gf. Oh and my parents threw a new umbrella at me to bring back to Melb and they were like "It's a gift!" :D :D LOL. Tehnically they gave me an ang pow in the morning though (which is what they always do - presents are not their thing). Cake was good but I wasn't really very hungry. Then at night we went to Capers for pasta buffet but I really wasn't hungry so it sort of wasted on me.

Uhh... went home at night and just sat around online. I was really happy with all the Facebook messages. *__* Noticed most of the messages were from Melbourne people, haha I guess the 'friends' I made in College and High School didn't amount to much (cept for the few ya know... Manj, Liz, Mag, Mir, Din, Serena, Zati...). It's life... it's life. I tell myself. Sometimes I wish the past didn't happen though. ^^ I really wanna be more positive and confident. I really do but...

I'm still really afraid now. When I realise that I NEED other people around me but no one really needs me. Of course, no one needs me. Everyone else has someone else already anyway. Whether it be someone from their past, or someone in their present. Why would they need me? No one is gonna feel lonely cause I'm not around. As always, I'm like second best to everyone. Am just too scared now... this thought. I really don't want to think this anymore.

And now I'm back to emo-ness in the posting. I said I wasn't gonna type this. T.T I hate every morning, I hate every night, I hate eating food, I just hate everything right now. Part of me doens't want to wake up from sleep. Or from my dreams. Everyone always says that only the weak don't face reality but... it's so easy to say that.

I'm even afraid to go back to Aus now. I don't know what I'm gonna do or how I'm gonna be like. I'm gonna meet new people right? Make new friends... but... in the end Aus is like a dream too. For once in my life I got to feel what it is like to have a nice big group of friends. All friendly and warm to each other. But it's only temporary. Once everyone finishes they go back to their previous lives just like in the holidays. They don't need me, they have plenty back at home. Do I really want to return to this dream? It'll only hurt me more when I realise that once I finish uni I'll come back to Brunei... and live what I am living right now. I'll be alone. I can't even live with my family anymore.

I'm scared. And all I can do is cry everyday by myself in my room. You can tell me I am weak but I don't see a future right now. Can you see one for yourself? I don't even have the will to come onto MSN these days. I said I was taking a 'break' but... it's just the part of me that is afraid of everyone now. I mean most people don't talk to me on MSN anyway... unless I bother them to oblivion. Of course they don't need to, they have so many others to talk to why should anyone want to talk to me. I'm like nothing. I always said I needed to change. People told me I needed to change. I was really happy Mag when you said that... I was fine staying who I was... cause that made me, me. Even though who I am is practically nothing and someone I hate more then anything.

Now I don't even know what I'm saying.