Anyway, I guess it's time to publically announce the new website! I'm moving blogs. I've had this one since 2007, it has been a good home to me. Thanks to my blog for being around I guess through all the troubling times. And all the good times. This year has been a ridiculous year. I hope that my blog entries will continue to be positive since I don't think my reputation of being an emo is a good one. To me, my blog is my way to relieve stress. To get my thoughts out to the world. Because I can't say it outloud. I've always been glad to have it around. And I hope it'll always be around. To be...
The Substitute for One's Memories
Hehe. Since my memories are pretty crap. So I'm glad I have a place where some of my good (and bad) days are recorded. I don't read old blog entries usually but I may in the future. Just to see my feelings during this time. And laugh at my foolish self who wrote it all down. Thank you to everyone who has always been reading my blog. Hope to see you guys at my new home!
http://crystalstar.me/
An explanation of the URL. 'crystalstar' or Crystal is my online handle for as long as I can remember (like maybe when I was 10). So I'm quite happy to get this domain. The .me I guess is just cause I couldn't get .net or .org, but it is also to mean it's my place. All about me. Hehe.
Sunday, 30 August 2009
Nuffnang Coles Group & Myer: How Do You Turn $10 into $100?
This will be my last entry on this blog before I move. Nuffnang Australia had a little contest where 50 people could turn their $10 Coles/Myer Giftcard into $100! So, I had to take up the challenge too. We had two challenges, challenge 1 was to spend the $10 in a creative way, and challenge 2 was to be frugal. I lack creativity, so being frugal it is! As an International student in Melbourne, attempting to be cheap is what I attempt to do best.
It was my friend's belated 24th birthday party on Sunday, the 30th of August. So I had to bring some food there to share! So I decided upon making countless amounts of sugar cookies! With my $10, I bought the ingredients I needed.
Coles Smart Buy 2 KG White Sugar: $1.65
Coles Smart Buy 1 KG Plain Flour: $0.95
You'll Love Coles Milk: $1.37
Coles Smart Buy Butter: $2.49
Queen Blue Food Colouring: $1.12
Queen Yellow Food Colouring: $1.12
Queen Red Food Colouring: $1.12
This comes to a total of $9.82! I should note that I only used a fraction of the ingredients here to make my cookies. So I could easily make a second batch.
Now for the actual baking! The recipe I used was...
Rolled Sugar Cookies
INGREDIENTS
Sugar Cookie Frosting
INGREDIENTS
My camera is pretty bad so the quality of images are terrible unfortunately. But yes, this is stage one of our decorating. We mixed food colouring together to get different colours for the icing.
In the end we made a lot of cookies. Enough to fill up a whole tray and then some more. There were a number of shapes including hearts, stars, flowers, the moon, mushroom and a diamond shape.
The cookies were taken well at the party! Everyone liked them. And they were so bright and fun to eat. A few better pictures are below since my camera takes better photos in actual light.
Cute happy faces, poisonous mushrooms and other weird patterns. You can see a watermelon shaped cookie and a banana there too!
This was one of my favourite patterns. It had all the colours on it! I thought it was really pretty.
This is a photo taken with my friend's camera. As he has an actual camera which can take quality photos rather then my point and shoot camera with a broken flash, I suppose it made the cookies look a lot better. But yeah, the cookies were a success.
Thank you to Nuffnang for the awesome contest! I could bake more biscuits if I really wanted too, lol. Perhaps I shall.
It was my friend's belated 24th birthday party on Sunday, the 30th of August. So I had to bring some food there to share! So I decided upon making countless amounts of sugar cookies! With my $10, I bought the ingredients I needed.
Coles Smart Buy 2 KG White Sugar: $1.65
Coles Smart Buy 1 KG Plain Flour: $0.95
You'll Love Coles Milk: $1.37
Coles Smart Buy Butter: $2.49
Queen Blue Food Colouring: $1.12
Queen Yellow Food Colouring: $1.12
Queen Red Food Colouring: $1.12
This comes to a total of $9.82! I should note that I only used a fraction of the ingredients here to make my cookies. So I could easily make a second batch.
Now for the actual baking! The recipe I used was...
Rolled Sugar Cookies
INGREDIENTS
- 340 g butter, softened
- 400 g white sugar
- 4 eggs
- 625 g all-purpose flour
- 9 g baking powder
- 6 g salt
- In a large bowl, cream together butter and sugar until smooth. Beat in eggs. Stir in the flour, baking powder, and salt. Cover, and chill dough for at least one hour (or overnight).
- Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C). Roll out dough on floured surface 1/4 to 1/2 inch thick. Cut into shapes with any cookie cutter. Place cookies 1 inch apart on ungreased cookie sheets.
- Bake 6 to 8 minutes in preheated oven. Cool completely.
Sugar Cookie Frosting
INGREDIENTS
- 480 g confectioners' sugar
- 100 g shortening
- 75 ml milk
- food coloring
- In a large bowl, cream together the confectioners' sugar and shortening until smooth. Gradually mix in the milk and vanilla with an electric mixer until smooth and stiff, about 5 minutes. Color with food coloring if desired.
My camera is pretty bad so the quality of images are terrible unfortunately. But yes, this is stage one of our decorating. We mixed food colouring together to get different colours for the icing.
In the end we made a lot of cookies. Enough to fill up a whole tray and then some more. There were a number of shapes including hearts, stars, flowers, the moon, mushroom and a diamond shape.The cookies were taken well at the party! Everyone liked them. And they were so bright and fun to eat. A few better pictures are below since my camera takes better photos in actual light.
Cute happy faces, poisonous mushrooms and other weird patterns. You can see a watermelon shaped cookie and a banana there too!
This was one of my favourite patterns. It had all the colours on it! I thought it was really pretty.
This is a photo taken with my friend's camera. As he has an actual camera which can take quality photos rather then my point and shoot camera with a broken flash, I suppose it made the cookies look a lot better. But yeah, the cookies were a success.
Thank you to Nuffnang for the awesome contest! I could bake more biscuits if I really wanted too, lol. Perhaps I shall.
Thursday, 27 August 2009
A bit of an update...
I know the blogging as died down. I dunno why I haven't been busy at all. Just... bumming around a lot. I'm currently working on a new website, moving this blog (see ya Substitute for One's Memories, you have served me well since 2007...). I'm sort of like gonna run several blogs at once, you have my personal one where I rant about life, then I'm gonna have like a bunch of mini blogs where I ran about everything else I like. Like anime, manga, games, books, food and etc. You'll see. It'll take me a while though since I do have an assignment and test next week! Hahaha.
As for life itself, I'm generally okay but I'm starting to get a bit odd again. I can see a sort of pattern in me now. Like, I get on a high for a week then the next one I may feel fine but I just feel a bit low. I don't know.
I was cleaning up my room this morning. I find an envelope in a card, and oh! It's the Christmas card from our early Christmas BBQ last year with some MCAC - related folks. Haha, big mistake I opened it up. Didn't realise I hid photos in there that I should never look at again. It fell out, hit the floor and I picked it up and just stared for a bit. Then I put it away again. What a way to bring the day down. It's not like I have much in my room to remind me of anything, I have never thrown anything away but yeah - there was not much to throw away to begin with. At the most, I just passed something onto Amanda as it was something I could not hide. Everything else, perhaps I should of just thrown away all the other random things that will remind me of stuffs... but I know I can never bring myself to do that.
Zac's Facebook had some fortune cookie application that says... "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." Such an awesome quote. I hope I can learn to not prioritise someone else over myself. Not to say I do. I still hold the thought that I am a very selfish individual (although I think most people are). And my world still revolves only around me. But yeah... I hope the point is being made here. It's a bit confusing. Ehehe.
i just want to keep walking forward. I know I'll find a future one day. I guess my last few words are that... well, a number of people have left me behind in life. Because everyone is always walking in different directions. Those people will not read this message ever, but if there was a message I could pass on it would be: "I wish I could have had the chance to share this future with you."
Right, a last note to some random friends then. I don't know why, Amanda did warn me. To never let other people's problems affect you. And perhaps I finally heard one that has. I don't know, the other day I had tears stream down my eyes for the first time in my life that was not for myself, but for someone else. To my dear friend: "Please do not ever regret your decisions. One small mistake is all it takes to forever shut down a path you thought you could always walk down." Things don't always go well. Everything has problems. So, fight for it. Before you lose it forever. And wander around aimlessly, day by day wondering what it was that you wanted to begin with.
As for life itself, I'm generally okay but I'm starting to get a bit odd again. I can see a sort of pattern in me now. Like, I get on a high for a week then the next one I may feel fine but I just feel a bit low. I don't know.
I was cleaning up my room this morning. I find an envelope in a card, and oh! It's the Christmas card from our early Christmas BBQ last year with some MCAC - related folks. Haha, big mistake I opened it up. Didn't realise I hid photos in there that I should never look at again. It fell out, hit the floor and I picked it up and just stared for a bit. Then I put it away again. What a way to bring the day down. It's not like I have much in my room to remind me of anything, I have never thrown anything away but yeah - there was not much to throw away to begin with. At the most, I just passed something onto Amanda as it was something I could not hide. Everything else, perhaps I should of just thrown away all the other random things that will remind me of stuffs... but I know I can never bring myself to do that.
Zac's Facebook had some fortune cookie application that says... "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." Such an awesome quote. I hope I can learn to not prioritise someone else over myself. Not to say I do. I still hold the thought that I am a very selfish individual (although I think most people are). And my world still revolves only around me. But yeah... I hope the point is being made here. It's a bit confusing. Ehehe.
i just want to keep walking forward. I know I'll find a future one day. I guess my last few words are that... well, a number of people have left me behind in life. Because everyone is always walking in different directions. Those people will not read this message ever, but if there was a message I could pass on it would be: "I wish I could have had the chance to share this future with you."
Right, a last note to some random friends then. I don't know why, Amanda did warn me. To never let other people's problems affect you. And perhaps I finally heard one that has. I don't know, the other day I had tears stream down my eyes for the first time in my life that was not for myself, but for someone else. To my dear friend: "Please do not ever regret your decisions. One small mistake is all it takes to forever shut down a path you thought you could always walk down." Things don't always go well. Everything has problems. So, fight for it. Before you lose it forever. And wander around aimlessly, day by day wondering what it was that you wanted to begin with.
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
A little bit of a ramble...
I've been busy so I guess the blog entries sort of died. I've lost more of a reason to be emo anyway. People have been saying I look more positive lately. Or maybe it's cause other people seem to be having a harder time that I don't pale in comparison anymore. Well, that's true. And I don't mind. I always did state that my blog and my 'emo-ness' are cries for attention. Right now, I don't particularly need this attention. One thing I worry for in regards to some of my friends is that I think some people are thinking too much (oh the irony) on image and acceptance. I know this feeling greatly, but their worries and paranoia are causing them to have these theories and fears that I think are largely something merely in their heads. Let's summarise things...
1.) No one is trying to ostracize you! The most important point. Never think too much. People are not going to 'not' like you because you are not happy all the time. They are not going to 'not' like you because you have changed. I have already said to numerous people. Some people said they are waiting for the Celine of last year to come back. I already said. "She ain't coming back!!! LOLOLOL"
It's okay to be sad. It is NOT OKAY to not try to be happy. I am trying my best to have fun. To take part in things. And thus more good things happen to me. People DO NOT come to Celine. I GO TO people. If you feel lonely, don't be paranoid. Jump in a circle, and they will accept you. I know some people think I have it easy cause I have all these friends who like me and crap. THIS DIDN'T JUST HAPPEN ON A WHIM. I made it happen. I wanted people to like me. I wanted people to be my friends. So, I was a friend to everyone else too. It's a hard thing to gamble. Don't feel frustrated if you feel 'left out' or that people are ignoring you. GODDAMIT GET INTO THE FUCKING CIRCLE ALREADY AND TALK TO US!!! You are causing it yourself, get a backbone and fix it yourself! Everyone is waiting. Just make the first movement.
2.) PEOPLE CHANGE. Do not think you are the only one changing. Do not think that they are not accepting the changed you! Perhaps you forgot that you are not accepting the changed them! Adapt to the situation!
3.) TRY YOUR FUCKING GODDAMN BEST ALREADY!! C'mon, life will not move if you sit around expecting everything to drop your way, right? Take chances! LIVE! Everyone waits for someone to go to them. So GO TO THEM!
1.) No one is trying to ostracize you! The most important point. Never think too much. People are not going to 'not' like you because you are not happy all the time. They are not going to 'not' like you because you have changed. I have already said to numerous people. Some people said they are waiting for the Celine of last year to come back. I already said. "She ain't coming back!!! LOLOLOL"
It's okay to be sad. It is NOT OKAY to not try to be happy. I am trying my best to have fun. To take part in things. And thus more good things happen to me. People DO NOT come to Celine. I GO TO people. If you feel lonely, don't be paranoid. Jump in a circle, and they will accept you. I know some people think I have it easy cause I have all these friends who like me and crap. THIS DIDN'T JUST HAPPEN ON A WHIM. I made it happen. I wanted people to like me. I wanted people to be my friends. So, I was a friend to everyone else too. It's a hard thing to gamble. Don't feel frustrated if you feel 'left out' or that people are ignoring you. GODDAMIT GET INTO THE FUCKING CIRCLE ALREADY AND TALK TO US!!! You are causing it yourself, get a backbone and fix it yourself! Everyone is waiting. Just make the first movement.
2.) PEOPLE CHANGE. Do not think you are the only one changing. Do not think that they are not accepting the changed you! Perhaps you forgot that you are not accepting the changed them! Adapt to the situation!
3.) TRY YOUR FUCKING GODDAMN BEST ALREADY!! C'mon, life will not move if you sit around expecting everything to drop your way, right? Take chances! LIVE! Everyone waits for someone to go to them. So GO TO THEM!
Monday, 17 August 2009
A dream to never awaken from...
I just woke up from a dream. I am supposed to get up at 5 AM as I have to leave home by 7 AM.
The dream was my everyday life if everything changed right now. If everything came back to me. If I could spend time with the person I loved the most. It shocked me. Because... I realised. Like within 10 seconds when I woke up...
I've never felt so happy... never felt that happy.... for so long.
I turned over and I asked myself... "Why did I just wake up? Why didn't I... stay in that dream forever?" But I knew my body jolted awake when I realised that I had to wake up to get ready for my placements.
I was just really shocked, that's all. I've been doing well for the past week. People asked me if I was alright now. It's cause I accepted it. I accepted that I'll never be "over it." in a sense. But I can only embrace the fact that I'm not gonna move on. That yeah, I was genuinely in love. And because it was genuine I am not gonna 'forget', I am not gonna 'get over it'. I can only move on day by day embracing this little pain at the back of my head telling me that I'm beyond the state where I can go back to anything now. I am the only one left remembering anything. But that's okay. Even if I'm the only one, I'll hold onto everything and walk through life holding on.
It's rather funny if I think about it right now. That a dream where I could just hold hands and sit with the person I loved the most was a dream where my heart have never felt so happy. I wonder if my mind wanted to remind me something. To be honest, I wish it didn't. Because now I'm a bit shaken. But, it's okay. I can still continue with my day. I only needed to remind myself. That the person whom I loved is happier right now then he will ever be. And that I can sit in the corner and watch him be happy. And that's all that's needed.
I do want to sit in the corner right now and ask "God, why did you just show me that dream?" It's odd for me to ask this but I can't see why else I had such a dream. And I do not think I needed a reminder of what it really feels if this weight on my heart was ever taken off.
Gah, need to go prepare now. I just needed to let myself know that... one day. I will feel like how I felt in that dream again. One day. Even if it takes a year, or two... one day, it'll happen. And I will be happy.
The dream was my everyday life if everything changed right now. If everything came back to me. If I could spend time with the person I loved the most. It shocked me. Because... I realised. Like within 10 seconds when I woke up...
I've never felt so happy... never felt that happy.... for so long.
I turned over and I asked myself... "Why did I just wake up? Why didn't I... stay in that dream forever?" But I knew my body jolted awake when I realised that I had to wake up to get ready for my placements.
I was just really shocked, that's all. I've been doing well for the past week. People asked me if I was alright now. It's cause I accepted it. I accepted that I'll never be "over it." in a sense. But I can only embrace the fact that I'm not gonna move on. That yeah, I was genuinely in love. And because it was genuine I am not gonna 'forget', I am not gonna 'get over it'. I can only move on day by day embracing this little pain at the back of my head telling me that I'm beyond the state where I can go back to anything now. I am the only one left remembering anything. But that's okay. Even if I'm the only one, I'll hold onto everything and walk through life holding on.
It's rather funny if I think about it right now. That a dream where I could just hold hands and sit with the person I loved the most was a dream where my heart have never felt so happy. I wonder if my mind wanted to remind me something. To be honest, I wish it didn't. Because now I'm a bit shaken. But, it's okay. I can still continue with my day. I only needed to remind myself. That the person whom I loved is happier right now then he will ever be. And that I can sit in the corner and watch him be happy. And that's all that's needed.
I do want to sit in the corner right now and ask "God, why did you just show me that dream?" It's odd for me to ask this but I can't see why else I had such a dream. And I do not think I needed a reminder of what it really feels if this weight on my heart was ever taken off.
Gah, need to go prepare now. I just needed to let myself know that... one day. I will feel like how I felt in that dream again. One day. Even if it takes a year, or two... one day, it'll happen. And I will be happy.
Thursday, 13 August 2009
What was I doing?
I saw an interesting thing today. I was in denial for these past few months. I thought it was all okay. I thought it was all for the best. I've now come to realise... hahaha, it's so funny it's just sad. I was the only one who cared, eh?
What was I crying for all these long long long months?
Can't believe I've just been a fool all these times. It is a lonely battle to fight when you are the only one who will feel the mocking laughs and the abuse. While everyone else lives on blissfully unaware. So someone said "Now you can hate him." I replied with nothing. Why? Because I knew the answer to my own question. Because I just can't. And that makes it even sadder. To be hated... but to be unable to hate back.
If something could hurt more then anything, it would be this...
It cuts into me everytime. I can't even just stay away forever. If I did that... I would have to leave MCAC. And I can't do that. Cause MCAC is one of the only things I have left... if that is taken from me.
If that is taken from me... I don't know whether I will want wake up to see the light of day any longer...
I know life is meant to be lived optimistically. I know that life should be meant to be lived hoping and looking forward to the future. So someone tell me, I don't see anything at all... future? What future?
What was I crying for all these long long long months?
Can't believe I've just been a fool all these times. It is a lonely battle to fight when you are the only one who will feel the mocking laughs and the abuse. While everyone else lives on blissfully unaware. So someone said "Now you can hate him." I replied with nothing. Why? Because I knew the answer to my own question. Because I just can't. And that makes it even sadder. To be hated... but to be unable to hate back.
If something could hurt more then anything, it would be this...
It cuts into me everytime. I can't even just stay away forever. If I did that... I would have to leave MCAC. And I can't do that. Cause MCAC is one of the only things I have left... if that is taken from me.
If that is taken from me... I don't know whether I will want wake up to see the light of day any longer...
I know life is meant to be lived optimistically. I know that life should be meant to be lived hoping and looking forward to the future. So someone tell me, I don't see anything at all... future? What future?
Wednesday, 12 August 2009
Busy-ness...
Been a bit busy to write in my blog. I've been in fairly good spirits the past few days though. I'm just trying my best right now. Just to have fun. And it has been fun as a result. If I could keep this up... everything would be good. I figure that I'll probably relapse again sooner or later when I lose the energy to keep on trying hard, but you know, one can hope that it'll last. XD
The next week is gonna be killer. Just realised how much work I have to do (like I just remembered I have a 20% assignment due in 2 days...) and then there is like so much stuff to go to in the next 2 weeks too T.T
The next week is gonna be killer. Just realised how much work I have to do (like I just remembered I have a 20% assignment due in 2 days...) and then there is like so much stuff to go to in the next 2 weeks too T.T
Friday, 7 August 2009
Yay for not eating again...
Nothing lasts forever and life is too short. Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh when you can. Apologize when you should. Let go of what you can't change. Love deeply and forgive quickly. Drink it down. Avoid bullshit. Take chances. Give everything. Life is to short to be unhappy. Take the good with the bad. Smile when your sad. Love what you got. Always remember what you had. Always forgive but never forget. Learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change and things go wrong. But always remember... life goes on.
Found that off a friend's Facebook page thingy. I thought it was rather pretty. Of a quote. If only quotes worked on me. I tend to like reading them when I'm upset but they don't really do much to uplift. I just use them to remind myself, that everything is good. So embrace it all. Like today. Everything was good. But I felt really ill, I had to try to hard to have fun, to be happy, to be a friend, to be me...
I woke up to get to the primary school I was heading to today. Clayton North Primary School! When I got there, as usual people were confused at my arrival. The lady I was supposed to look for was not informed of my arrival... UHHH... WHUUUT. Again. T.T I waited in the staff room and was taken to some year 4 class I think. Then after 20 minutes while they were doing some Maths thing... I was taken out again cause the lady realised who I was supposed to sit with and knew of me coming. One of the prep teachers. XD So yeah I got taken to prep. It was a fun morning with the preps. They are cute and generally kids. Did a bunch of activities, mostly writing related - the teacher was emphasising on sound, trying to get the children to pronounce words correctly and write basic words from that. I noticed kids were mixing up the "e" and "a" sound. Reminded me of Xin saying "pens" and "pants" the same way mostly (supposedly) because of the "e" and "a" sounds, lol. I just sat with the kids and helped a bit here and there with work although the teacher had to remind me to not help them too much cause kids get dependant and lazy after a while if you do that.
Sat through a RE lesson. I dunno, I think religious education for prep children is just weird. I know you have to start off young but it's funnyhow they honestly don't care what the teacher is saying. I was chatting to the prep teacher for a bit, telling her stuffs. She was really nice. I just wandered aronud during break, and sat in the staff room for a bit. There was another student teacher there on placement for 6 weeks. The school is small compared to what I am used to, with 250-ish students, but I think working in a small school is nice actually. I dunno... big schools are too big for me. But I'm a secondary teacher so yeah... unless I go to a 'special' school or alternative teaching school (Montessori, Steiner and etc) they will be big schools I'm sure. At lunch, it was raining so the kids had to stay in. I wanted to go soon so I left by 2 PM.
I said thanks then left. Umm... Rachel had phoned, everyone was at badminton already. So I walked over to the sports centre (took me like 20 mins). Yay badminton! Uhh... who was there... a lot of people. Rachel, Vu, Leon, Sammi, Kimmy, Jeremy, Linda, Evan, Law, K-man, Steve, Yih, Yadhav, Sam, Amanda T. and it could go on and on. I wasn't gonna play but I did in the end! At first, I just sat with Sammi and Jeremy and others chatting about stuff with a group of people. We had our own circle of trust which wasn't much of a circle or trust in it to be honest. Oh wells. Haha. Then umm... Leon made me play badminton... so I tried out a team with Leon vs Yadhav and... gahh who was the other person @.@ OMG memory lapse!! LOL. After that it was about time to go! Uhh... Yih, Amanda T and Vu went to play rollarskating hockey I think after that. Rest of us went back to airport lounge. At airport lounge... Uhhh me Rachel and Jeremy first watched 6th episode of Umineko! EPIC!! I got a call during this time! Uhh.. apparently I have a job interview on Weds! From Camp Australia!! They run before and after school child care programs. So I hope I can get casual work there! Someone actually phoned me back. O.o
Then Alan went to show me a piano piece he's learning. Then um... sat around with Kimmy, Alan, Amanda Du, Evan and whoever else, chatting about stuff, practicing singing karaoke and what not. It was fun. I kept doing that stupid chacarron thingy hahaha. When Xin came, me, Linda and Xin were acting like jellyfish together cause we were all wearing long coats (in different colors) which I found funny. And chasing Andrew Kim cause he thought we were weird. We waited for the last few people then went off to Springvale for viet food!! It was F4 tonight so everyone was meeting at 6 PM organised by Kimmy this week!
We took the bus and train. Uneventful in general. I just sat and talked to Xin and stuffs. At the actual place... well we didn't want Steve, Leon and Sammi to get stabbed. Oh and Borgy!! Haha. At the actual place... um... I sat next to Borgy and Will. On the table was Alan, Kimmy, Xin, Steve, Amanda T., K-man and I can't remember who else since people changed seats at the end. Dinner was okay... I sort of didn't... eat very much. At all. Nor did Alan. I ordered chilli chicken sort of thing, Will ordered it too. And pearl milk tea. I didn't have much of an appetite. I think I ate like half my plate of food. Dinner was fun. Umm... we talked a lot and were really noisy. To the point that another patron came by to scold us for making too much noise. We also played chinese whispers around our round table when people started leaving in our group (we had around 30 people with us utilising 3 tables). It was mostly dirty things whispered. Borgy kept adding things in. It was funny to watch Yadhav and Steve suffer as they had to whisper things to Amanda T. In the end, it was just... umm... me, Leon, Sammi, Yi Xin, Amanda Du and K-man left. Then Jeremy and Chris came back cause they were gonna crash K-man's place. We were like talking about I dunno... random crap again. Then we left near to 9 PM and Lawrence was seen wandering around. O.o So dodgy... lol. Anyway, me, Leon, Sammi and Xin said bye to everyone and went to the train station ourselves as we were gonna go back to uni (and home).
Uhh... we missed the train by like 1 minute. So yeah.. had to wait 30 mins at Springvale station. Then another 10 at Clayton. Me and Xin were just talking about random things during the time. I was telling her how I felt weird. Like... I don't know how to say but like... I'm just a bit fearful of what the future holds. I don't know what I'm gonna do next year. Or where I am going. I don't know who I will stay with in the future. I fear if I'm gonna be alone. Cause you know... people move on. I won't be able to continue these peaceful daily lives forever. And I'm left behind? Is that my fate? I feel like it is. I recall... who was it who said this to me... they said "Celine... I think you need to stop... living for other people." I think I've been suffering these past few months because last year I thought finally maybe there was someone else I could live for. But by now I clearly realise that they don't need me. At all. And I always feel like. That I need everyone... but no one really NEEDS me. More like, yeah... it's nice to Celine around. But you know, even if I'm gone, it's okay too. Cause someone else can replace you. Cause everyone has so many people around them anyway, what do I do that makes it anymore special?
Loons said in the past few posts I had. Yeah, someone has broken my trust. I can't trust so easily now. I am paranoid now. I thought that I couldn't be replaced. I thought for once I was special to someone. I was wrong. Cause I am - was and is... easily replaced. Easily forgotten. Easily out of your life. I mean, I can understand why I don't mark high on the importance factor. I'm whiny, childish, selfish and largely dishonest... and needy. Overly dependant. I have an inferiority complex - and I see no reason why I should feel anymore superior to anyone. I don't have anything special at all...
I think I said to Xin... what kind of dream do I want for the future. My only wish...? I dunno, I think I just said "I want to eat dinner with a family." My dream. It's so simple... yet so difficult to achieve. I just wanna sit around a dinner table with my family and talk everyday with them. Like this. In case people are wondering... whuut Celine don't you get that when you're at home? Answer is no. Never have, and never will... I hate eating dinner by myself. Cause I've done that for too many years already. I guess the happy nuclear family is just propaganda but someone can wish can't they?
When we got home... uhh... I was just on MSN for the rest of the night. Sha was baking cake suprisingly. I went to sleep by 1 AM-ish... crying as usual. Why? Cause... I don't know... I just realised that... I really should just let go of whatever is still bothering me right now. Because... the only one... in this world.. still affected... still bothered... still in pain... and still able to remember every living second as though it was yesterday - is me. And no one else. Because I was the only one who found it important.
And thus... I am the only one who cannot forget and throw away everything as though it was nothing...
Found that off a friend's Facebook page thingy. I thought it was rather pretty. Of a quote. If only quotes worked on me. I tend to like reading them when I'm upset but they don't really do much to uplift. I just use them to remind myself, that everything is good. So embrace it all. Like today. Everything was good. But I felt really ill, I had to try to hard to have fun, to be happy, to be a friend, to be me...
I woke up to get to the primary school I was heading to today. Clayton North Primary School! When I got there, as usual people were confused at my arrival. The lady I was supposed to look for was not informed of my arrival... UHHH... WHUUUT. Again. T.T I waited in the staff room and was taken to some year 4 class I think. Then after 20 minutes while they were doing some Maths thing... I was taken out again cause the lady realised who I was supposed to sit with and knew of me coming. One of the prep teachers. XD So yeah I got taken to prep. It was a fun morning with the preps. They are cute and generally kids. Did a bunch of activities, mostly writing related - the teacher was emphasising on sound, trying to get the children to pronounce words correctly and write basic words from that. I noticed kids were mixing up the "e" and "a" sound. Reminded me of Xin saying "pens" and "pants" the same way mostly (supposedly) because of the "e" and "a" sounds, lol. I just sat with the kids and helped a bit here and there with work although the teacher had to remind me to not help them too much cause kids get dependant and lazy after a while if you do that.
Sat through a RE lesson. I dunno, I think religious education for prep children is just weird. I know you have to start off young but it's funnyhow they honestly don't care what the teacher is saying. I was chatting to the prep teacher for a bit, telling her stuffs. She was really nice. I just wandered aronud during break, and sat in the staff room for a bit. There was another student teacher there on placement for 6 weeks. The school is small compared to what I am used to, with 250-ish students, but I think working in a small school is nice actually. I dunno... big schools are too big for me. But I'm a secondary teacher so yeah... unless I go to a 'special' school or alternative teaching school (Montessori, Steiner and etc) they will be big schools I'm sure. At lunch, it was raining so the kids had to stay in. I wanted to go soon so I left by 2 PM.
I said thanks then left. Umm... Rachel had phoned, everyone was at badminton already. So I walked over to the sports centre (took me like 20 mins). Yay badminton! Uhh... who was there... a lot of people. Rachel, Vu, Leon, Sammi, Kimmy, Jeremy, Linda, Evan, Law, K-man, Steve, Yih, Yadhav, Sam, Amanda T. and it could go on and on. I wasn't gonna play but I did in the end! At first, I just sat with Sammi and Jeremy and others chatting about stuff with a group of people. We had our own circle of trust which wasn't much of a circle or trust in it to be honest. Oh wells. Haha. Then umm... Leon made me play badminton... so I tried out a team with Leon vs Yadhav and... gahh who was the other person @.@ OMG memory lapse!! LOL. After that it was about time to go! Uhh... Yih, Amanda T and Vu went to play rollarskating hockey I think after that. Rest of us went back to airport lounge. At airport lounge... Uhhh me Rachel and Jeremy first watched 6th episode of Umineko! EPIC!! I got a call during this time! Uhh.. apparently I have a job interview on Weds! From Camp Australia!! They run before and after school child care programs. So I hope I can get casual work there! Someone actually phoned me back. O.o
Then Alan went to show me a piano piece he's learning. Then um... sat around with Kimmy, Alan, Amanda Du, Evan and whoever else, chatting about stuff, practicing singing karaoke and what not. It was fun. I kept doing that stupid chacarron thingy hahaha. When Xin came, me, Linda and Xin were acting like jellyfish together cause we were all wearing long coats (in different colors) which I found funny. And chasing Andrew Kim cause he thought we were weird. We waited for the last few people then went off to Springvale for viet food!! It was F4 tonight so everyone was meeting at 6 PM organised by Kimmy this week!
We took the bus and train. Uneventful in general. I just sat and talked to Xin and stuffs. At the actual place... well we didn't want Steve, Leon and Sammi to get stabbed. Oh and Borgy!! Haha. At the actual place... um... I sat next to Borgy and Will. On the table was Alan, Kimmy, Xin, Steve, Amanda T., K-man and I can't remember who else since people changed seats at the end. Dinner was okay... I sort of didn't... eat very much. At all. Nor did Alan. I ordered chilli chicken sort of thing, Will ordered it too. And pearl milk tea. I didn't have much of an appetite. I think I ate like half my plate of food. Dinner was fun. Umm... we talked a lot and were really noisy. To the point that another patron came by to scold us for making too much noise. We also played chinese whispers around our round table when people started leaving in our group (we had around 30 people with us utilising 3 tables). It was mostly dirty things whispered. Borgy kept adding things in. It was funny to watch Yadhav and Steve suffer as they had to whisper things to Amanda T. In the end, it was just... umm... me, Leon, Sammi, Yi Xin, Amanda Du and K-man left. Then Jeremy and Chris came back cause they were gonna crash K-man's place. We were like talking about I dunno... random crap again. Then we left near to 9 PM and Lawrence was seen wandering around. O.o So dodgy... lol. Anyway, me, Leon, Sammi and Xin said bye to everyone and went to the train station ourselves as we were gonna go back to uni (and home).
Uhh... we missed the train by like 1 minute. So yeah.. had to wait 30 mins at Springvale station. Then another 10 at Clayton. Me and Xin were just talking about random things during the time. I was telling her how I felt weird. Like... I don't know how to say but like... I'm just a bit fearful of what the future holds. I don't know what I'm gonna do next year. Or where I am going. I don't know who I will stay with in the future. I fear if I'm gonna be alone. Cause you know... people move on. I won't be able to continue these peaceful daily lives forever. And I'm left behind? Is that my fate? I feel like it is. I recall... who was it who said this to me... they said "Celine... I think you need to stop... living for other people." I think I've been suffering these past few months because last year I thought finally maybe there was someone else I could live for. But by now I clearly realise that they don't need me. At all. And I always feel like. That I need everyone... but no one really NEEDS me. More like, yeah... it's nice to Celine around. But you know, even if I'm gone, it's okay too. Cause someone else can replace you. Cause everyone has so many people around them anyway, what do I do that makes it anymore special?
Loons said in the past few posts I had. Yeah, someone has broken my trust. I can't trust so easily now. I am paranoid now. I thought that I couldn't be replaced. I thought for once I was special to someone. I was wrong. Cause I am - was and is... easily replaced. Easily forgotten. Easily out of your life. I mean, I can understand why I don't mark high on the importance factor. I'm whiny, childish, selfish and largely dishonest... and needy. Overly dependant. I have an inferiority complex - and I see no reason why I should feel anymore superior to anyone. I don't have anything special at all...
I think I said to Xin... what kind of dream do I want for the future. My only wish...? I dunno, I think I just said "I want to eat dinner with a family." My dream. It's so simple... yet so difficult to achieve. I just wanna sit around a dinner table with my family and talk everyday with them. Like this. In case people are wondering... whuut Celine don't you get that when you're at home? Answer is no. Never have, and never will... I hate eating dinner by myself. Cause I've done that for too many years already. I guess the happy nuclear family is just propaganda but someone can wish can't they?
When we got home... uhh... I was just on MSN for the rest of the night. Sha was baking cake suprisingly. I went to sleep by 1 AM-ish... crying as usual. Why? Cause... I don't know... I just realised that... I really should just let go of whatever is still bothering me right now. Because... the only one... in this world.. still affected... still bothered... still in pain... and still able to remember every living second as though it was yesterday - is me. And no one else. Because I was the only one who found it important.
And thus... I am the only one who cannot forget and throw away everything as though it was nothing...
Thursday, 6 August 2009
I don't want to give up.
Today was a pretty good day. I dunno, I guess I decided unconsciously that I was gonna a.) have fun today and b.) enjoy everything and anything. I overslept by like 3 hours again though. And went to class unprepared. I didn't listen for most of my 2 hour seminar for CLS3080 unfortunately... I was thinking and thinking the entire time. Of what? Well... of everything again I guess. Of why I'm at this point in time. And what I should do from there on. I think I made some sort of decision that I don't want to back out of, a decision that I need to stay firm with. That I need to accept. To able to move on. Finally. It's gonna be a bit of a bumpy ride but you need to fight through a storm to find the paradise at the end, right?
In the end, the last two things that ran through my mind. 1.) Was what a certain someone told me of conflict. That someone needs to drop the pride, and only when you do that can you reconcile. And 2.) "To hope for the best and prepare for the worst." I need to try my best. And move on from whatever happens.
So yes, I decided that I was gonna have fun for the rest of my day! And I did! I got lunch tables, uhh... I ate a crappy lunch of bread again then the dantai left. I saw Drue! He was in the hospital the day before and he was like drinking fresh juice and eating pumpkin soup! A HEALTHY DRUE!!! @.@ Oh my... but yeah dantai practice. HAHA A LOAD OF FUN. I did a lot of practice and stuff instead of my tutorial work lololol. So much excercise. Too much excercise. But things are shaping up at my end at least. Kriz came by. So did Stan, Alan, Kimmy and stuffs. I kept doing a stupid "Chacarron" sound - dance thingy until Damien and Jono literally THREW ME OUT OF THE ROOM! I wanna do it for karaoke! IT'S EPIC! EPICCC. I was so hyper and like crazy (I think I snapped) that Xin was like "... too much SUGAR @.@" Yeah Kimmy did bring chocolate!! I had to leave for class eventually. Boo boo. Uhh.. class was meh. After class, me, Vu and Rachel went to check out MCF 'night market'. Nothing there! It was the same thing again, lol. I ran into PJ and he gave me a dumpling. And ran into a lot of other people I seem to know somehow. From somewhere, lol. Uhh... I was bored fast and the food sucked so me and PJ went to buy fish and chips for dinner. I just had a snack pack which was too much for me already, so I gave the rest to Leon, Vu, James and em'. Yay, I hung with them for a while, then went to Wu Shu went everyone cept Andrew Kim was gone (well Leon and Brad were coming back but they went to bus loop to send people off). K-man asked me to movies which I think people are going with James and em'... to watch GI Joe but I had wu shu anyway.
So yeah! Wu shu! Umm... I practiced a bit. And stuffs. Mostly with Juan and Erica. We did the actual long first, the first 1/8 of it (which is LONNNG) and it was so much fail because they didn't teach it so I didn't remember what to do!! OMG!! LOL I only did a bit of this last year. Uhh.. practiced short long first with and his intake from this year. Then Erica sent me home! Yay, thanks. Saves me walking in the dark. Hehe. Night was MSN. I was in a good mood. It was a good day! I'm satisfied, if only I could be as hyper and happy everyday as I was today!
In the end, the last two things that ran through my mind. 1.) Was what a certain someone told me of conflict. That someone needs to drop the pride, and only when you do that can you reconcile. And 2.) "To hope for the best and prepare for the worst." I need to try my best. And move on from whatever happens.
So yes, I decided that I was gonna have fun for the rest of my day! And I did! I got lunch tables, uhh... I ate a crappy lunch of bread again then the dantai left. I saw Drue! He was in the hospital the day before and he was like drinking fresh juice and eating pumpkin soup! A HEALTHY DRUE!!! @.@ Oh my... but yeah dantai practice. HAHA A LOAD OF FUN. I did a lot of practice and stuff instead of my tutorial work lololol. So much excercise. Too much excercise. But things are shaping up at my end at least. Kriz came by. So did Stan, Alan, Kimmy and stuffs. I kept doing a stupid "Chacarron" sound - dance thingy until Damien and Jono literally THREW ME OUT OF THE ROOM! I wanna do it for karaoke! IT'S EPIC! EPICCC. I was so hyper and like crazy (I think I snapped) that Xin was like "... too much SUGAR @.@" Yeah Kimmy did bring chocolate!! I had to leave for class eventually. Boo boo. Uhh.. class was meh. After class, me, Vu and Rachel went to check out MCF 'night market'. Nothing there! It was the same thing again, lol. I ran into PJ and he gave me a dumpling. And ran into a lot of other people I seem to know somehow. From somewhere, lol. Uhh... I was bored fast and the food sucked so me and PJ went to buy fish and chips for dinner. I just had a snack pack which was too much for me already, so I gave the rest to Leon, Vu, James and em'. Yay, I hung with them for a while, then went to Wu Shu went everyone cept Andrew Kim was gone (well Leon and Brad were coming back but they went to bus loop to send people off). K-man asked me to movies which I think people are going with James and em'... to watch GI Joe but I had wu shu anyway.
So yeah! Wu shu! Umm... I practiced a bit. And stuffs. Mostly with Juan and Erica. We did the actual long first, the first 1/8 of it (which is LONNNG) and it was so much fail because they didn't teach it so I didn't remember what to do!! OMG!! LOL I only did a bit of this last year. Uhh.. practiced short long first with and his intake from this year. Then Erica sent me home! Yay, thanks. Saves me walking in the dark. Hehe. Night was MSN. I was in a good mood. It was a good day! I'm satisfied, if only I could be as hyper and happy everyday as I was today!
Wednesday, 5 August 2009
Normal day normal life...
A normal day as always right? I was a bit nervous today but whatever. Uhh... I screwed up and thought my seminar was at 10 AM but it was 9 AM. So I woke up at 8 AM, normally I get up 2 hours before a class. So I had to rush. After class... I sat around for 2 hours eating lunch and stuff. Weds lunch is my catch up time with Raine, where we eat lunch together, chat and give each other info on things. She was giving me food - cookies to be exact. Insisting that I didn't eat enough. Since my food intake has gone down recently. And I think people are afraid Celine will go back to how she was back in January / February this year. Where I was like 8 kg lighter then I am right now but prolonged starvation, lol.
Screenings was LOLs. The group was camping on the ground, I had Alan's head on my leg the entire screenings. It was all like... LOLI ANIME from Brad's collection so instead of yelling out LEOOOON!!! We were all yelling out BRAAAAADDD. After screenings... uhh... oh yeah, I met Alan/Loon's friend Will! Me and Martin chatted to him for ages, he's nice. Hehe. He said he'll come again next week! So yay~ then dantai practice which I dragged Martin too momentarily. Before going in, me and Kimmy like.. bought FAIRY FLOSS~ and umm... oh I got $3 chocolate bubble tea from ASEAN club but it was pretty crappy (no choco flavour, tasted like milk tea, lol). Dantai practice was tiring and normal as usual. I left early to go home to study and umm... I went by lunch table to just... look for someone and see whether that person was there or not. But no... so yeah... I was gonna go home but... I ended up chatting to Leon, Brad and Vu! As I still only ate some of Raine's small cookies and 3 mini buns for lunch for the day Leon treated me and Brad to Shin Ramyun (and Vu bought his own). And we all ate Shin Ramyun while throwing around pick up lines from last night's convo. IT WAS EPIC. Especially when we used them on James!! Haha. After we were done, I decided after a bit that it was finally time to go home.
And I did. Evening... uhh I sort of napped for an hour although Kriz called during this time. But yeah, I wasn't napping - I was moping in my room. Haha. My dreams are getting a bit bothersome lately... I don't know what I'm doing. Or hoping for. Or anything. I went downstairs to make dinner but John turned off all the water in the house apparently to fix the tap. And Kei Boon was like... cleaning up the stove. So I couldn't start making my chicken pie with no water. Eventually it came back and we all made dinner and ate like at 8:30 PM! Chicken pie was decent. A bit too watery. After dinner, I went back to my room and uh... sat around on MSN and stuffs. I tried to study but it didn't go well and went to sleep pretty early. Like 11 PM. I dunno, I don't see much reason sometimes in sleeping too late. Studies is still a HUGE problem as I am not doing my work.
Today was an okay day. I still moped and cried though. Slowly, I need to find my resolve to settle and be happy for this perfectly normal day in this perfectly normal life. To ask for too much was my downfall, and I always need to remember that while things can get better they can also get worse. So I have to try my best.
Screenings was LOLs. The group was camping on the ground, I had Alan's head on my leg the entire screenings. It was all like... LOLI ANIME from Brad's collection so instead of yelling out LEOOOON!!! We were all yelling out BRAAAAADDD. After screenings... uhh... oh yeah, I met Alan/Loon's friend Will! Me and Martin chatted to him for ages, he's nice. Hehe. He said he'll come again next week! So yay~ then dantai practice which I dragged Martin too momentarily. Before going in, me and Kimmy like.. bought FAIRY FLOSS~ and umm... oh I got $3 chocolate bubble tea from ASEAN club but it was pretty crappy (no choco flavour, tasted like milk tea, lol). Dantai practice was tiring and normal as usual. I left early to go home to study and umm... I went by lunch table to just... look for someone and see whether that person was there or not. But no... so yeah... I was gonna go home but... I ended up chatting to Leon, Brad and Vu! As I still only ate some of Raine's small cookies and 3 mini buns for lunch for the day Leon treated me and Brad to Shin Ramyun (and Vu bought his own). And we all ate Shin Ramyun while throwing around pick up lines from last night's convo. IT WAS EPIC. Especially when we used them on James!! Haha. After we were done, I decided after a bit that it was finally time to go home.
And I did. Evening... uhh I sort of napped for an hour although Kriz called during this time. But yeah, I wasn't napping - I was moping in my room. Haha. My dreams are getting a bit bothersome lately... I don't know what I'm doing. Or hoping for. Or anything. I went downstairs to make dinner but John turned off all the water in the house apparently to fix the tap. And Kei Boon was like... cleaning up the stove. So I couldn't start making my chicken pie with no water. Eventually it came back and we all made dinner and ate like at 8:30 PM! Chicken pie was decent. A bit too watery. After dinner, I went back to my room and uh... sat around on MSN and stuffs. I tried to study but it didn't go well and went to sleep pretty early. Like 11 PM. I dunno, I don't see much reason sometimes in sleeping too late. Studies is still a HUGE problem as I am not doing my work.
Today was an okay day. I still moped and cried though. Slowly, I need to find my resolve to settle and be happy for this perfectly normal day in this perfectly normal life. To ask for too much was my downfall, and I always need to remember that while things can get better they can also get worse. So I have to try my best.
Tuesday, 4 August 2009
Sitting in the rain...
Okay, the today entry. Uhh... a messy day I suppose. I woke up to get to uni by 10 AM for a Japanese Conversation class thingy or whatever run by the Japanese Club. I was determined to be okay but I was thrown off for a certain reason and ended up crying again in the morning. But I ignored it and went out anyway - determined to try my best for the day. The class itself was rather interesting. Leon was gonna be late since his bus was late, and I didn't know any Japanese either which made it a bit difficult for the organiser I think, lol. She probably wasn't expecting complete n00bs. Luckily I do know a bit of Japanese so I guess I can at least ask "What is your name?" and "What does [insert word] mean?". First game we did was umm... we had to line up in order of our names. After asking each other for names. Then there was little pieces of paper with hiragana, and she picked out a random one and in small groups of three we had to write as many words with that hiragana. Luckily I could contribute to this since I do know some vocab! XD
Next activity was umm... two truths and a lie game in Japanese. I obviously couldn't really take part but I did manage to follow everyone's sentences like maybe half the time. When it was my turn I tried to just copy others since they knew I was n00b anyway. Then it was over and me and Leon went over to lunch tables! It was dantai practice so I soon left after that and practiced for a few hours. Then I went back to lunch tables again.
We tried to have fun and stuff. One time, Jo, Eloise, Martin, me and Linda were trying to re-enact Captain Planet skits but Tom told us to stop as we were an annoyance (and probably an embarassment, lol). Oh well, I think this was the only time of the day I was reallly realllly enjoying myself anyway. Uhh... Rachel tried to stick by me for these few hours as my mood was really unstable. We were sort of sleepy so yeah, sometimes we just napped on the table. I ended up napping for the last hour before 5 PM, although I wasn't really napping either to be honest. I didn't fall asleep once. I just didn't... or couldn't... socialise with the crowd...
At 5 PM I left by myself into the rain and went to hang out with Campus Connect. I met like a girl there and we chatted for a bit. I got a SMS from Leon/Sammi there saying that I left without saying goodbye. And it ended with "we love you." I had to brush a few tears away from reading that. ^^ But I left when Sha came and they were playing some cricket activity. It was raining at this time. I wanted to take a walk. Sha chased after me asking me to come back inside. But I told her I was okay (okay I wasn't but... okay enough ~). I took out my umbrella at least to show that I wasn't gonna walk in the rain as it was too heavy (and it was freezing I should say). So she had to let me go. Umm... during this time, I was like wandering around engineering and it was dark already so I setlled on sitting at the metal benches outside the S1 - S4 theatres. And I sat there for 1 and a half hours. Didn't use my umbrella either but it was only drizzling once in a while. So I just got wet a slight bit. It was just really really cold.
Haha, the time sitting there was interesting. I was freezing, and I rejected all of Sha and Yi Xin's calls. I did send them text messages cause I wouldn't want them to freak out that I disappeared or something. Just that I didn't want to come back to Campus Connect... or home. I didn't feel like eating dinner either. What was I thinking during this time...? I dunno. I think it was a mix of everything. I was thinking how things went from January until now... and how it got to this point. And why. I wasn't really helping myself because rather then thinking of hopeful positive thoughts it just ended with me crying continously in regret I guess. I was just crying out of regret. Cause I couldn't change, I couldn't fix things up... to avoid things to be like this. I guess I was just really tired of everything. Of every day. Of days like today. It should be fun but... I have to try so hard to have fun until it isn't anymore sometimes. And it just hurts. I just kept crying with the words "it hurts.... it hurts... it hurts..." running through my head.
I mean I am beginning to understand of course. This experience has told me one thing. That is... if you don't want to lose the things most important to you, then put effort to change yourself - and the situation... before it is too late. Cause once you lose it you ain't getting it back. And yeah, I need to learn to appreciate what I do have now. Because to be without it... hurts more then anything.
Yi Xin asked me later on (as well as many other people)... so why did I sit in the rain? Uhh... I dunno. I think ultimately in the end I could sum it up in this one sentence.
"While I sat there in the freezing rain, my only wish was that you would come and offer me a hand."
I think I just wanted someone to come and save me. Or maybe a specific someone. Or something. I don't know...
I saw the security guard come by me so many times. I guess he didn't see me, otherwise I'm sure he would of asked me to like... go somewhere else. Rather then in that dark quiet and lonely place. But yeah, I left past 7:15 PM-ish cause it was raining harder and I was really cold... I only realised how cold I was when I got up. I couldn't stop shaking. While walking towards campus centre I was like "FUUCKKK IT'S COLDD" and it started raining pretty badly again. When I got upstairs... uhh... Leon, Sammi, Brad, K-man, Andrew Kim and Jeremy were there. Juan joined us later on in a bit. I feel bad for Leon and Sammi who kept staring at my state. Then the guys noticed @.@ Jeremy gave me his jacket in attempts to warm me up. Cause I basically didn't stop shaking until like 15 minutes later. I'm sorry to everyone... >.< I think it might not have been the wisest idea for me to show up but I couldn't get home yet cause I was too cold and tired so I wanted to warm up indoors. Everyone gave me a pat on the head and stuffs though. They were playing MahJong and cards. Uhh.. K-man left after a bit. And we got thrown out at 9 PM literally, lol.
Everyone walked me home! Well Juan went to the library. And yeah... Leon, Sammi, Brad, Andrew Kim and Jeremy walked me home! Apparently they were my Fellowship of the Ring! Or a band of stalkers. One or the other. Hehe. It was really sweet of them. It made my walk home a lot of fun! Cause they are the funniest group of people ever! When we got there I was scared Amanda would kick the shit out of me and I don't think she was too happy judging from her tone of voice so gomen Yi Xin >.< They left soon after since it was late. Apparently they all stalked Brad to his house too. Uhh... I tried to eat bread and soup for dinner since I didn't eat anything yet. Didn't really take much food in at all during the day (well had three mini custard buns during the day). Then I went back upstairs.
I was crying for the remainder of the night. Just from MSN and stuffs. Couldn't see the screen sometimes. I just couldn't stop. My eyes really hurted during the day and at night. I think I've been crying way too much. Till my eyes are bloodshot now. I think I realise now that I just really have to accept things for what they are, and move on. Cause everyone else has moved on already. And everyone has to go through this in their life. Rejection, loss and regret. It's normal. I recall typing this several hundred times already though. And I still haven't moved on. I wonder if I will ever move on... sometime told me that I might never truly move on if the feelings involved were real. *shrugs* I've no idea. I wonder if that is true....
Late at night I ended up sleeping peacefully cause of the guys. Had a hilarious convo with Law, Vu, Leon, Jeremy and Andrew Kim as we threw around LAME PICK-UP LINES!! Some of the ones I liked included...
- First buy an ice cream and find a hot girl, then say 'I'm sorry to bother you, but your melting my ice cream!"
- Can I have your picture so that I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
- If I could re-arrange the alphabet I would put U and I together.
- I wanna touch your curves with my tangent.
- You must be an adverb, because you sure do modify me!
- I'm bigger and better then the Titanic... only 200 women went down on the Titanic!
- Are you a Pokemon trainer? Because you sure do capture my heart!
We all bailed at 1 AM. I didn't cry myself to sleep. I was glad.
Next activity was umm... two truths and a lie game in Japanese. I obviously couldn't really take part but I did manage to follow everyone's sentences like maybe half the time. When it was my turn I tried to just copy others since they knew I was n00b anyway. Then it was over and me and Leon went over to lunch tables! It was dantai practice so I soon left after that and practiced for a few hours. Then I went back to lunch tables again.
We tried to have fun and stuff. One time, Jo, Eloise, Martin, me and Linda were trying to re-enact Captain Planet skits but Tom told us to stop as we were an annoyance (and probably an embarassment, lol). Oh well, I think this was the only time of the day I was reallly realllly enjoying myself anyway. Uhh... Rachel tried to stick by me for these few hours as my mood was really unstable. We were sort of sleepy so yeah, sometimes we just napped on the table. I ended up napping for the last hour before 5 PM, although I wasn't really napping either to be honest. I didn't fall asleep once. I just didn't... or couldn't... socialise with the crowd...
At 5 PM I left by myself into the rain and went to hang out with Campus Connect. I met like a girl there and we chatted for a bit. I got a SMS from Leon/Sammi there saying that I left without saying goodbye. And it ended with "we love you." I had to brush a few tears away from reading that. ^^ But I left when Sha came and they were playing some cricket activity. It was raining at this time. I wanted to take a walk. Sha chased after me asking me to come back inside. But I told her I was okay (okay I wasn't but... okay enough ~). I took out my umbrella at least to show that I wasn't gonna walk in the rain as it was too heavy (and it was freezing I should say). So she had to let me go. Umm... during this time, I was like wandering around engineering and it was dark already so I setlled on sitting at the metal benches outside the S1 - S4 theatres. And I sat there for 1 and a half hours. Didn't use my umbrella either but it was only drizzling once in a while. So I just got wet a slight bit. It was just really really cold.
Haha, the time sitting there was interesting. I was freezing, and I rejected all of Sha and Yi Xin's calls. I did send them text messages cause I wouldn't want them to freak out that I disappeared or something. Just that I didn't want to come back to Campus Connect... or home. I didn't feel like eating dinner either. What was I thinking during this time...? I dunno. I think it was a mix of everything. I was thinking how things went from January until now... and how it got to this point. And why. I wasn't really helping myself because rather then thinking of hopeful positive thoughts it just ended with me crying continously in regret I guess. I was just crying out of regret. Cause I couldn't change, I couldn't fix things up... to avoid things to be like this. I guess I was just really tired of everything. Of every day. Of days like today. It should be fun but... I have to try so hard to have fun until it isn't anymore sometimes. And it just hurts. I just kept crying with the words "it hurts.... it hurts... it hurts..." running through my head.
I mean I am beginning to understand of course. This experience has told me one thing. That is... if you don't want to lose the things most important to you, then put effort to change yourself - and the situation... before it is too late. Cause once you lose it you ain't getting it back. And yeah, I need to learn to appreciate what I do have now. Because to be without it... hurts more then anything.
Yi Xin asked me later on (as well as many other people)... so why did I sit in the rain? Uhh... I dunno. I think ultimately in the end I could sum it up in this one sentence.
"While I sat there in the freezing rain, my only wish was that you would come and offer me a hand."
I think I just wanted someone to come and save me. Or maybe a specific someone. Or something. I don't know...
I saw the security guard come by me so many times. I guess he didn't see me, otherwise I'm sure he would of asked me to like... go somewhere else. Rather then in that dark quiet and lonely place. But yeah, I left past 7:15 PM-ish cause it was raining harder and I was really cold... I only realised how cold I was when I got up. I couldn't stop shaking. While walking towards campus centre I was like "FUUCKKK IT'S COLDD" and it started raining pretty badly again. When I got upstairs... uhh... Leon, Sammi, Brad, K-man, Andrew Kim and Jeremy were there. Juan joined us later on in a bit. I feel bad for Leon and Sammi who kept staring at my state. Then the guys noticed @.@ Jeremy gave me his jacket in attempts to warm me up. Cause I basically didn't stop shaking until like 15 minutes later. I'm sorry to everyone... >.< I think it might not have been the wisest idea for me to show up but I couldn't get home yet cause I was too cold and tired so I wanted to warm up indoors. Everyone gave me a pat on the head and stuffs though. They were playing MahJong and cards. Uhh.. K-man left after a bit. And we got thrown out at 9 PM literally, lol.
Everyone walked me home! Well Juan went to the library. And yeah... Leon, Sammi, Brad, Andrew Kim and Jeremy walked me home! Apparently they were my Fellowship of the Ring! Or a band of stalkers. One or the other. Hehe. It was really sweet of them. It made my walk home a lot of fun! Cause they are the funniest group of people ever! When we got there I was scared Amanda would kick the shit out of me and I don't think she was too happy judging from her tone of voice so gomen Yi Xin >.< They left soon after since it was late. Apparently they all stalked Brad to his house too. Uhh... I tried to eat bread and soup for dinner since I didn't eat anything yet. Didn't really take much food in at all during the day (well had three mini custard buns during the day). Then I went back upstairs.
I was crying for the remainder of the night. Just from MSN and stuffs. Couldn't see the screen sometimes. I just couldn't stop. My eyes really hurted during the day and at night. I think I've been crying way too much. Till my eyes are bloodshot now. I think I realise now that I just really have to accept things for what they are, and move on. Cause everyone else has moved on already. And everyone has to go through this in their life. Rejection, loss and regret. It's normal. I recall typing this several hundred times already though. And I still haven't moved on. I wonder if I will ever move on... sometime told me that I might never truly move on if the feelings involved were real. *shrugs* I've no idea. I wonder if that is true....
Late at night I ended up sleeping peacefully cause of the guys. Had a hilarious convo with Law, Vu, Leon, Jeremy and Andrew Kim as we threw around LAME PICK-UP LINES!! Some of the ones I liked included...
- First buy an ice cream and find a hot girl, then say 'I'm sorry to bother you, but your melting my ice cream!"
- Can I have your picture so that I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
- If I could re-arrange the alphabet I would put U and I together.
- I wanna touch your curves with my tangent.
- You must be an adverb, because you sure do modify me!
- I'm bigger and better then the Titanic... only 200 women went down on the Titanic!
- Are you a Pokemon trainer? Because you sure do capture my heart!
We all bailed at 1 AM. I didn't cry myself to sleep. I was glad.
Eyes.. hurrrrrrt.....
Too much crying today. Eyes hurt so much. Lesson learnt of the day. Remind me to never sit outside in the rain for one hour and a half. =.=;;; I froze half to death.
*hugs Sammi, Leon, Jeremy, Andrew Kim and Brad for walking me home*
Will blog actual day some other time or whatever. Sleep time for me. =.=;;
*hugs Sammi, Leon, Jeremy, Andrew Kim and Brad for walking me home*
Will blog actual day some other time or whatever. Sleep time for me. =.=;;
Monday, 3 August 2009
Should I have just disappeared?
It hurts... it hurts... it hurts... it hurts... it hurts... it hurts... I see why people stab themselves or whatever. I think I would like to worry about my arm stinging from blood rather then what I feel right now. Why did Amanda had to have taken my boxcutter... =.=
Weird day. Me acting weird. I don't really get it anymore. I seriously just don't get it anymore. I don't know what to do. I honestly don't know what to do. And I'm acting increasingly more tired now. I'm sort of scared to be honest. I just feel like pulling stupid stunts all the time. People will probably grab me and start bitchslapping me for it but... I...
I just spent the morning trying to do readings. As usual, I had a hard time getting up. Hate waking up. Don't want to wake up. I never want to wake up. I hate the day. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I don't want this. I don't want this... why doe things have to be like this? Why did I cause things to be like this? It's all my fault and I know this is all karma. But... dammit. It's a bad question to ask yourself but a person should really never ask themselves why did it have to be like this? Cause things just happen the way they do... but still... After eating like whatever for lunch, I went to uni to catch up with Kimmy's K-Pop group. We're now officially called MVP so I'll call it that from now on. So yeah, for MVP practice. Oh, MVP stands for Most Valuable People I think, or More Virgins Please according to Alan. We went over Eat You Up and realise how much fail we are cause we forgot a good part of the dance. Even though we should have finished it already. Then Alan was practicing Mirotic with Jason while I studied and Sebby + Kimmy gossiped and giggled about things. We decided to end early at 3 PM due to lack of interest and laziness. And having no room. Haha.
Uhh... stood around talking and stuffs until maccas monday. I had a sundae there, I'm supposed to be on a diet and no spending monies but I still indulge once in a while just cause if I take too many things away I'll go mad one day. I left like at 5 PM. I wanted to go home to make pie but ended up on MSN for quite a bit. Then it was 6 PM. And Sha was like... just eat instant food / leftovers as I have wu shu. Dinner was... uneventful.
Near to 8 PM, I got really... well 'anxious' was what I wrote on Facebook and MSN, but it was more like just plain upset. It was hard but I went downstairs anyway and left the house even more upset due to a few careless comments people made (which I won't blame them for - I should be less sensitive and how would anyone have known what I was thinking at the time?). The walk to wu shu was bad in that I decided while staring at the dark sky, and breathing the cold air, and watching as the cars just pass by. I thought I wouldn't come home. Dunno, spend the night just staring at the sky or something. Sounds perfectly good! So I went to wu su and did the usual stuff there. Scott came back today surprisingly (wonder where he went). We all had to do our basic forms by ourselves to be critiqued by Master Tang, so I did mine and he said it was good. Just need to work on basic stuff like punches. Lydia asked me how I did - hopefully I can go back to working on cadjuls in the next few weeks (wooden staff).
I left wu shu... I did not plan to return home. But... gah. John was outside with his bike. To walk me home. So.. there goes my plan. Maybe it is a positive thing of course. Obviously a part of myself wanted someone to come and fetch me, people naturally want to feel wanted, to feel loved and appreciated. So I would come home when I see someone going through the trouble of getting me. I'm an attention whore, I like attention. When I got home, basically just MSN and... me crying the entire remainder of the night.
It's really difficult. It really is. Amanda came eventually to talk to me. There are a lot of things we realised...
a.) I know exactly what's going on, what I want, what is the problem, and what I should do. What is keeping me from it? Answer is... cause there is no solution. Sometimes things just don't go your way and there is nothing you can do about it. Things just won't go your way. Time won't turn back. The future does not just fall in place. What can you do? There is nothing you can do. When it is truly out of your control, it is TRULY OUT OF YOUR CONTROL!
b.) No, I have not 'given up' in the literal sense. To really give up on all hope would mean that I take my own life and I obviously haven't done that, nor will I do that. Just cause I hope, wish and know that good things will happen one day. Even if the one day is like 3 years away. It'll happen. I'm crying everyday. Why? Cause it hurts and it is gonna hurt for a long time. I'll just have to live with it.
c.) The idea of professional help. Now, I sort of hate counsellors. Cause I don't think I have a problem. But I keep saying this, and this itself might be a problem. I dunno, I said I don't have a problem. Yet Amanda says I do cause it isn't the problem itself, it's what it is doing to you. Cause it is interfering with daily life. I do realise it is slowly eating away at my ability to simply live. I am largely in denial of reality right now. I dunno how long I plan to stay in denial. I do know that if I stay too long like this I'll just get worse and worse. I don't know what makes up depression itself (like the actual mental disorder) - I've forgotten the symptoms (and this is my area of study!! LOL) but I can develop it if I leave myself like this for too long. But I do still think it is rather extreme if you see me swallowing anti-depressants. Just what I need! To become a druggie. LOL. I dunno, too much still. Least for now. I don't get how pills would work anyway. What haunts me right now are memories. Unless you give me something that can induce amnesia.
d.) It's a bit confusing cause I contradicted myself several hundred times while talking to her. I dunno, thoughts are a blur sometimes I guess. I think living simple is a good thing. Having simple thoughts. I contradict myself on my blog often too cause my thoughts a muddle. Just too many things. Everywhere. And what I say depends on my mood. Obviously when I'm in my cry fest I'll bring out everything that stabs into me the most.
I think I cried for like 3 hours today. Yes, it was bad. Then she left. And I went to brush my teeth and I started crying again while brushing my teeth. I was like... "this really sucks... T.T I can't even do something as basic as brush my teeth without crying... so much fail..." Yeah, so much fail. I just can't stop crying. I guess I'll cry myself to sleep tonight. There isn't much to think about anymore. Everything just really hurts. It just hurts. Hurts.. hurts... hurts. And the questions in my head? Include... why did everything have to be like this? Why the hell did I cause everything to be like this?
And lastly, "why can't I be a good person?"
Hehe. Cause you know... cause I'm not a good person. That things are like this. Yeah, I think I realised a long time ago. I've forgiven everything. And everyone. The only thing I have not forgiven is myself. And I never will. Because I caused this. What I feel right now is just karma. Yes, I do worry sometimes that me crying everyday is just gonna make me go increasingly more nuts but it is karma. I did this to myself. It is my fault. There is nothing wrong right now. It is all in my head. And even if there is something wrong, I DID THIS. I know that. It's just all me.
Now the hard part is to accept this reality for what it is.
Weird day. Me acting weird. I don't really get it anymore. I seriously just don't get it anymore. I don't know what to do. I honestly don't know what to do. And I'm acting increasingly more tired now. I'm sort of scared to be honest. I just feel like pulling stupid stunts all the time. People will probably grab me and start bitchslapping me for it but... I...
I just spent the morning trying to do readings. As usual, I had a hard time getting up. Hate waking up. Don't want to wake up. I never want to wake up. I hate the day. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I don't want this. I don't want this... why doe things have to be like this? Why did I cause things to be like this? It's all my fault and I know this is all karma. But... dammit. It's a bad question to ask yourself but a person should really never ask themselves why did it have to be like this? Cause things just happen the way they do... but still... After eating like whatever for lunch, I went to uni to catch up with Kimmy's K-Pop group. We're now officially called MVP so I'll call it that from now on. So yeah, for MVP practice. Oh, MVP stands for Most Valuable People I think, or More Virgins Please according to Alan. We went over Eat You Up and realise how much fail we are cause we forgot a good part of the dance. Even though we should have finished it already. Then Alan was practicing Mirotic with Jason while I studied and Sebby + Kimmy gossiped and giggled about things. We decided to end early at 3 PM due to lack of interest and laziness. And having no room. Haha.
Uhh... stood around talking and stuffs until maccas monday. I had a sundae there, I'm supposed to be on a diet and no spending monies but I still indulge once in a while just cause if I take too many things away I'll go mad one day. I left like at 5 PM. I wanted to go home to make pie but ended up on MSN for quite a bit. Then it was 6 PM. And Sha was like... just eat instant food / leftovers as I have wu shu. Dinner was... uneventful.
Near to 8 PM, I got really... well 'anxious' was what I wrote on Facebook and MSN, but it was more like just plain upset. It was hard but I went downstairs anyway and left the house even more upset due to a few careless comments people made (which I won't blame them for - I should be less sensitive and how would anyone have known what I was thinking at the time?). The walk to wu shu was bad in that I decided while staring at the dark sky, and breathing the cold air, and watching as the cars just pass by. I thought I wouldn't come home. Dunno, spend the night just staring at the sky or something. Sounds perfectly good! So I went to wu su and did the usual stuff there. Scott came back today surprisingly (wonder where he went). We all had to do our basic forms by ourselves to be critiqued by Master Tang, so I did mine and he said it was good. Just need to work on basic stuff like punches. Lydia asked me how I did - hopefully I can go back to working on cadjuls in the next few weeks (wooden staff).
I left wu shu... I did not plan to return home. But... gah. John was outside with his bike. To walk me home. So.. there goes my plan. Maybe it is a positive thing of course. Obviously a part of myself wanted someone to come and fetch me, people naturally want to feel wanted, to feel loved and appreciated. So I would come home when I see someone going through the trouble of getting me. I'm an attention whore, I like attention. When I got home, basically just MSN and... me crying the entire remainder of the night.
It's really difficult. It really is. Amanda came eventually to talk to me. There are a lot of things we realised...
a.) I know exactly what's going on, what I want, what is the problem, and what I should do. What is keeping me from it? Answer is... cause there is no solution. Sometimes things just don't go your way and there is nothing you can do about it. Things just won't go your way. Time won't turn back. The future does not just fall in place. What can you do? There is nothing you can do. When it is truly out of your control, it is TRULY OUT OF YOUR CONTROL!
b.) No, I have not 'given up' in the literal sense. To really give up on all hope would mean that I take my own life and I obviously haven't done that, nor will I do that. Just cause I hope, wish and know that good things will happen one day. Even if the one day is like 3 years away. It'll happen. I'm crying everyday. Why? Cause it hurts and it is gonna hurt for a long time. I'll just have to live with it.
c.) The idea of professional help. Now, I sort of hate counsellors. Cause I don't think I have a problem. But I keep saying this, and this itself might be a problem. I dunno, I said I don't have a problem. Yet Amanda says I do cause it isn't the problem itself, it's what it is doing to you. Cause it is interfering with daily life. I do realise it is slowly eating away at my ability to simply live. I am largely in denial of reality right now. I dunno how long I plan to stay in denial. I do know that if I stay too long like this I'll just get worse and worse. I don't know what makes up depression itself (like the actual mental disorder) - I've forgotten the symptoms (and this is my area of study!! LOL) but I can develop it if I leave myself like this for too long. But I do still think it is rather extreme if you see me swallowing anti-depressants. Just what I need! To become a druggie. LOL. I dunno, too much still. Least for now. I don't get how pills would work anyway. What haunts me right now are memories. Unless you give me something that can induce amnesia.
d.) It's a bit confusing cause I contradicted myself several hundred times while talking to her. I dunno, thoughts are a blur sometimes I guess. I think living simple is a good thing. Having simple thoughts. I contradict myself on my blog often too cause my thoughts a muddle. Just too many things. Everywhere. And what I say depends on my mood. Obviously when I'm in my cry fest I'll bring out everything that stabs into me the most.
I think I cried for like 3 hours today. Yes, it was bad. Then she left. And I went to brush my teeth and I started crying again while brushing my teeth. I was like... "this really sucks... T.T I can't even do something as basic as brush my teeth without crying... so much fail..." Yeah, so much fail. I just can't stop crying. I guess I'll cry myself to sleep tonight. There isn't much to think about anymore. Everything just really hurts. It just hurts. Hurts.. hurts... hurts. And the questions in my head? Include... why did everything have to be like this? Why the hell did I cause everything to be like this?
And lastly, "why can't I be a good person?"
Hehe. Cause you know... cause I'm not a good person. That things are like this. Yeah, I think I realised a long time ago. I've forgiven everything. And everyone. The only thing I have not forgiven is myself. And I never will. Because I caused this. What I feel right now is just karma. Yes, I do worry sometimes that me crying everyday is just gonna make me go increasingly more nuts but it is karma. I did this to myself. It is my fault. There is nothing wrong right now. It is all in my head. And even if there is something wrong, I DID THIS. I know that. It's just all me.
Now the hard part is to accept this reality for what it is.
Sunday, 2 August 2009
The days when it just hurts...
I think in the morning I only slept a few hours. It was the first time for a long time that I didn't just drop off to sleep out of exhaustion. I was tossing, turning and generally uncomfortable. I recall crying, whacking myself against the wall (there's a pillow on the wall though so it doesn't hurt + plus I wouldn't wanna wake up Sha) and scrunching up like a mushroom on my bed. Hah. It was sort of sad really. What a crap night. If every night was like that I wouldn't want night to ever come again. But I hope that doesn't happen, cause you know... it was only through sleep that I felt most peaceful. I don't want that taken from me either.
The day was spent at home. I was supposed to go to Open Day with Leon, Sammi and Vu but everyone bailed (including myself). Although Tom and Jeremy phoned me in the afternoon wondering where we were. I just attempted to study for the day but it was minimal still. I did a bit of reading, but not enough that I'll get everything I need done by next week. Yeah, I'm in trouble. Yes, I'll find a way to stop this stupidity. Somehow. I can't concentrate. I know that. I'm glad that my work this sem isn't very academic, so that I don't need to focus as much as I have to. As my work is mostly research based, I'll just do something simple and within my interest. To save myself.
So I ate lunch with Sha at 1 PM-ish. Cooked pancakes using the pancake mix that Jia Chee left behind. Xin didn't come back from church so I assumed she was just lunch-ing with Jono. Around 10 AM-ish, I was supposed to be studying but I found myself napping in bed again. Or not napping, more like moping if you ask me. Bah. Yes, I am trying to mark down the number of times in a day I start moping cause I need to reduce that. I will probably snap soon if I keep on going like this. Afternoon was... I dunno, MSN + another nap (or not) and a bit of study. Dinner was near to 7 PM, with Sha, Xin and Valerie (Sha's friend). After dinner, Sha, me, Xin, Cas and Thomas were talking for ages. From a range of topics. It was an intense topic cause it was mostly about abuse and stuff.
Before dinner, I was chatting to Kailun. I think that for someone who has never been 'depressed' before (in the traditional sense) he knows his stuff. What was running through my mind was that he was right. But the thing is, I think I already realised all these things already. That's why I say to people "Celine is a lost cause. Ignore me. Leave me alone. If you don't, I'll probably hurt you one day anyway."
[b][c=#C40000][/c=#1A790F][/b] [a=11][c=13]-倫仔[/c][c=12][/c][/a] says:
Now celine.
people can only help you so much.
i think i know what the problem that you have.
It is Insecurity.
lack of belief.
somebody has broken your trust before
and you have never regained from it
am i right?
The reply I sort of got to a statement I often made. That I have fear that people will leave if I don't "get better" fast enough. If I don't be who you want Celine to be fast enough. Because... people have left me. When I thought they never would. So... how do I know no one else will? Was it wrong for me to trust and believe in someone when they said they would never leave? I think I was talking to Cas in the afternoon too. I dunno, I think I told her what I told Leon not too long ago also. I feel silly being 'sad' right now because there isn't really any reason. Like, my reason isn't a good enough of a reason. Everyone else has more reasons. But even if I think this something still feels wrong. And if it feels wrong it means there is a problem, right?
I guess the last few lines made even more sense.
[b][c=#C40000][/c=#1A790F][/b] [a=11][c=13]-倫仔[/c][c=12][/c][/a] says:
You think you can do everything by yourself.
The problems will go away if you try not to think about them
But it doesn't go away does it.
It comes back, this is why you feel depressed sometimes
but you push it away again.
YOU PUSH IT AWAY HARDER
YOU'RE THINKING
THIS TIME, I PUSHED IT SO HARD IT'S NOT GOING TO COME BACK
IT WON'T BOTHER ME.
but it did come back didn't it.
am i right?
Pretty good for someone I've never said a single thing too. But yeah, like I said. I know what's wrong. And I can't help myself. Case closed. I just feel like crap every single day. I tried to put everything to the back of my mind. I tried to ignore it all. I tried to tell myself "It's okay. I can do this. Everything is okay. I will move on."
But if I said I can't? Then what do I do? Emotions are so dumb. Why does missing someone have to hurt so much? Everyday I walk around, I feel like part of my soul is missing. I don't feel alive. But what can I do? There is nothing I can do. Everything is too late. Gone. Over. And I'm left behind here. Wondering what the hell I should do...
>> || ............. says:
Haha, to be hurt is to be alive.
People will get over things. No matter what.
And get hurt again. And get over that too.
[b][c=#C40000][/c=#1A790F][/b] [a=11][c=13]-倫仔[/c][c=12][/c][/a] says:
no celine.
you are wrong.
You can never magically get over things.
There is only one way you can.
However you must understand some things first.
Being hurt doesn't mean that you are alive.
being hurt means that you are dying
I dunno, just things for me to think about I guess...
The day was spent at home. I was supposed to go to Open Day with Leon, Sammi and Vu but everyone bailed (including myself). Although Tom and Jeremy phoned me in the afternoon wondering where we were. I just attempted to study for the day but it was minimal still. I did a bit of reading, but not enough that I'll get everything I need done by next week. Yeah, I'm in trouble. Yes, I'll find a way to stop this stupidity. Somehow. I can't concentrate. I know that. I'm glad that my work this sem isn't very academic, so that I don't need to focus as much as I have to. As my work is mostly research based, I'll just do something simple and within my interest. To save myself.
So I ate lunch with Sha at 1 PM-ish. Cooked pancakes using the pancake mix that Jia Chee left behind. Xin didn't come back from church so I assumed she was just lunch-ing with Jono. Around 10 AM-ish, I was supposed to be studying but I found myself napping in bed again. Or not napping, more like moping if you ask me. Bah. Yes, I am trying to mark down the number of times in a day I start moping cause I need to reduce that. I will probably snap soon if I keep on going like this. Afternoon was... I dunno, MSN + another nap (or not) and a bit of study. Dinner was near to 7 PM, with Sha, Xin and Valerie (Sha's friend). After dinner, Sha, me, Xin, Cas and Thomas were talking for ages. From a range of topics. It was an intense topic cause it was mostly about abuse and stuff.
Before dinner, I was chatting to Kailun. I think that for someone who has never been 'depressed' before (in the traditional sense) he knows his stuff. What was running through my mind was that he was right. But the thing is, I think I already realised all these things already. That's why I say to people "Celine is a lost cause. Ignore me. Leave me alone. If you don't, I'll probably hurt you one day anyway."
[b][c=#C40000][/c=#1A790F][/b] [a=11][c=13]-倫仔[/c][c=12][/c][/a] says:
Now celine.
people can only help you so much.
i think i know what the problem that you have.
It is Insecurity.
lack of belief.
somebody has broken your trust before
and you have never regained from it
am i right?
The reply I sort of got to a statement I often made. That I have fear that people will leave if I don't "get better" fast enough. If I don't be who you want Celine to be fast enough. Because... people have left me. When I thought they never would. So... how do I know no one else will? Was it wrong for me to trust and believe in someone when they said they would never leave? I think I was talking to Cas in the afternoon too. I dunno, I think I told her what I told Leon not too long ago also. I feel silly being 'sad' right now because there isn't really any reason. Like, my reason isn't a good enough of a reason. Everyone else has more reasons. But even if I think this something still feels wrong. And if it feels wrong it means there is a problem, right?
I guess the last few lines made even more sense.
[b][c=#C40000][/c=#1A790F][/b] [a=11][c=13]-倫仔[/c][c=12][/c][/a] says:
You think you can do everything by yourself.
The problems will go away if you try not to think about them
But it doesn't go away does it.
It comes back, this is why you feel depressed sometimes
but you push it away again.
YOU PUSH IT AWAY HARDER
YOU'RE THINKING
THIS TIME, I PUSHED IT SO HARD IT'S NOT GOING TO COME BACK
IT WON'T BOTHER ME.
but it did come back didn't it.
am i right?
Pretty good for someone I've never said a single thing too. But yeah, like I said. I know what's wrong. And I can't help myself. Case closed. I just feel like crap every single day. I tried to put everything to the back of my mind. I tried to ignore it all. I tried to tell myself "It's okay. I can do this. Everything is okay. I will move on."
But if I said I can't? Then what do I do? Emotions are so dumb. Why does missing someone have to hurt so much? Everyday I walk around, I feel like part of my soul is missing. I don't feel alive. But what can I do? There is nothing I can do. Everything is too late. Gone. Over. And I'm left behind here. Wondering what the hell I should do...
>> || ............. says:
Haha, to be hurt is to be alive.
People will get over things. No matter what.
And get hurt again. And get over that too.
[b][c=#C40000][/c=#1A790F][/b] [a=11][c=13]-倫仔[/c][c=12][/c][/a] says:
no celine.
you are wrong.
You can never magically get over things.
There is only one way you can.
However you must understand some things first.
Being hurt doesn't mean that you are alive.
being hurt means that you are dying
I dunno, just things for me to think about I guess...
Saturday, 1 August 2009
I left my hand out... waiting forever for you to take it.
The day. The day. I don't know. Let's just talk about it first. I overslept by 4 hours again. Cause I didn't want to wake up. Gah. FUCK IT. Okay, I got up, took a shower then went to Springvale with Ai Fang and Sha. We went for yum cha. It was good of course. Had a good time chatting to Ai Fang and eating different kinds of foods. It's cool that she knows how to cook a lot of the foods there at the yum cha place in Springy~ Then we went grocery shopping and stuffs. I bought a lot of baked goods for next week's lunch, lol. And meat for dinner. Bought bubble tea - although the one at Springvale isn't as good (but cheaper - assuming you aren't at HappyCup). And there goes my money for the week. My wallet was literally empty by the end. I am spending too much. Gah.
We got home by like 2:17 PM and I went out again near to 3 PM for Volleyball! There was me, Sebby, Sha, Cas, Thomas, Leon, Vu, Lesley, Bernie-kun and his girlfriend Melissa (yes he isn't single anymore!! How dare he keep this all from us!!!). Leon came a bit late, so me and Vu went to get him as he wonderously wandered around lost (also known as - walk in the opposite direction from where we actually were). Actual volleyball... well, I am the ultimate fail to be honest. I can only serve. Vu is really good but he played in high school he said. Leon hits with too much strength, so whenever he served everyone on his team ducked. It was funny to watch Sha play cause she ducked a lot to stay safe from... everyone. LOL. Vu and Thomas I think both smacked the ball outside the gate area, first time Lesley like climbed over the gate (SO EPIC I WANNA CLIMB OVER A GATE!!) then Vu did it then Thomas did it! So cool.
After that it started raining. And it was cold. So we left. Les drove people home, while me, Leon and Vu walked home. Then we all hate hot choco and tea at my house. Yi Xin came home from her day outing with cousins, and like brought home churros!! Yay~ Les didn't eat any though (I was guessing she's still on her no-choco diet). We sat and chatted for like more then an hour I think then Sebby + Les left. Kei Boon and John were like cooking the entire time, while me, Sha, Xin, Cas, Thomas, Vu and Leon were like sitting around talking. I was kinda happy that Thomas and Cas were able to talk to Vu and Leon and the rest of us - cause sometimes when I have friends over it doesn't always match up. And it just gets awkward. But the two guys are way friendly so I'm glad it was good (well Cas said that she liked them for once lol - the randoms we bring home).
After Vu and Leon left... uhh I cooked my apple crumble pie for dessert. And the guys had finished their dinner contribution already, Xin made soup, Sha did vegetables and Ai Fang made fried mince wrapped in that beancurd skin and curry chicken. And yeah, the house ate dinner together - which was really good. Cooking dinner in the small kitchen was rather chaotic though, John is incredibly mean to me and keeps intentionally bumping into me at every chance he can find. Kei Boon pretends to be the good kid until he starts playing jokes on you or goes sarcastic. XD It's funny though. Ai Fang's curry was spicy, hahaha. My apple crumble pie was too wet - but it was alright I suppose. I went back to my room early to 'study' which didn't happen. It was just MSN for the rest of the night.
I tried.
It seems that my distraction for the past few days may be over soon. What distraction? Well... as someone said it to me "I see. When you help other people with their problems you forget your own temporarily." That pretty much sums me up. Then I think both Leon and Yi Xin asked me basically "So like... what is gonna happen to you now?" Good question. I would like to know this too. Where does this leave me? I don't know. It's cool if everything works out for my mates in current times. It looks like this is what's happening. So I'm glad. Now I wonder... how long am I gonna be left here waiting... for my wish to come true?
I don't know. I said I needed another distraction. To get me through the next week. I don't know. I just hate this all. Maybe. Perhaps. I don't see why I need a distraction in life. What am I seeking? I don't know. I was having this convo once on what it meant to be depressed (not depression of course - no mental illnesses here). I thought I wasn't depressed or anything. But then I heard someone else describing what being depressed meant to them and well... I know that feeling all too well. So I guess I do cover those symptoms. You know, when you hate to wake up, when you feel unmotivated to do anything (whether it's homework, or just fun stuff like gaming or anime watching), when you don't feel like eating, when you just want to sleep and never wake up again... greatest joy right now is for me to escape reality as much as I can. Be in denial. And wish time would just stop forever. But it doesn't, it never has and it never will. And I don't know how I can adjust to this any longer.
I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate hate hate hate hate all of this.
I had another convo to talk about the importance of people and their problems. My problem is very minor. Damn, I hate myself. I can't handle anything, eh? I fail at life. I am overly dependant, and can't adjust. Can't accept things. I just wanna escape. But I can't escape. I don't know. Everyone else faces greater things then me? Why am I not stronger then? Why can't I be okay? Am I okay? People ask me what's up. I don't want to say "I'm okay." I am NOT OKAY. I have never been okay. I don't ever recall being okay.
I just wanna smash my head continously against a wall. Maybe if I do that I'll get amnesia. Then I'll be okay. That'll be awesome. But I don't want a concussion. Yes, I am rambling. It's what happens when I'm in this mood where I'm confused. I dunno, maybe I'll just be a mushroom again next week. Against a wall. Until I see a hand reaching out for me, part of me can't even remember what I've been waiting for all this time. But I know that I previously decided, and felt - upon my self that I would wait as long as I needed to.
I wish it was raining right now. If it was I would sooo take a walk in the rain. I did that once. I left the house here at like 12 AM. For no reason. I sat in the rain. I remember that day. I just dreamed of someone coming to hold out a hand and ask me to go back inside. No one came in the end. I went in after a half hour or so when I was freezing. Okay, there is no reason doing that. As there is no reason to dream in this world. But whatever. Even if I continued to stay alone, the rain and the cold felt nice I guess.
Haha. I guess if a mood was a song I'd be playing Richard Marx' "Right Here Waiting."
We got home by like 2:17 PM and I went out again near to 3 PM for Volleyball! There was me, Sebby, Sha, Cas, Thomas, Leon, Vu, Lesley, Bernie-kun and his girlfriend Melissa (yes he isn't single anymore!! How dare he keep this all from us!!!). Leon came a bit late, so me and Vu went to get him as he wonderously wandered around lost (also known as - walk in the opposite direction from where we actually were). Actual volleyball... well, I am the ultimate fail to be honest. I can only serve. Vu is really good but he played in high school he said. Leon hits with too much strength, so whenever he served everyone on his team ducked. It was funny to watch Sha play cause she ducked a lot to stay safe from... everyone. LOL. Vu and Thomas I think both smacked the ball outside the gate area, first time Lesley like climbed over the gate (SO EPIC I WANNA CLIMB OVER A GATE!!) then Vu did it then Thomas did it! So cool.
After that it started raining. And it was cold. So we left. Les drove people home, while me, Leon and Vu walked home. Then we all hate hot choco and tea at my house. Yi Xin came home from her day outing with cousins, and like brought home churros!! Yay~ Les didn't eat any though (I was guessing she's still on her no-choco diet). We sat and chatted for like more then an hour I think then Sebby + Les left. Kei Boon and John were like cooking the entire time, while me, Sha, Xin, Cas, Thomas, Vu and Leon were like sitting around talking. I was kinda happy that Thomas and Cas were able to talk to Vu and Leon and the rest of us - cause sometimes when I have friends over it doesn't always match up. And it just gets awkward. But the two guys are way friendly so I'm glad it was good (well Cas said that she liked them for once lol - the randoms we bring home).
After Vu and Leon left... uhh I cooked my apple crumble pie for dessert. And the guys had finished their dinner contribution already, Xin made soup, Sha did vegetables and Ai Fang made fried mince wrapped in that beancurd skin and curry chicken. And yeah, the house ate dinner together - which was really good. Cooking dinner in the small kitchen was rather chaotic though, John is incredibly mean to me and keeps intentionally bumping into me at every chance he can find. Kei Boon pretends to be the good kid until he starts playing jokes on you or goes sarcastic. XD It's funny though. Ai Fang's curry was spicy, hahaha. My apple crumble pie was too wet - but it was alright I suppose. I went back to my room early to 'study' which didn't happen. It was just MSN for the rest of the night.
I tried.
It seems that my distraction for the past few days may be over soon. What distraction? Well... as someone said it to me "I see. When you help other people with their problems you forget your own temporarily." That pretty much sums me up. Then I think both Leon and Yi Xin asked me basically "So like... what is gonna happen to you now?" Good question. I would like to know this too. Where does this leave me? I don't know. It's cool if everything works out for my mates in current times. It looks like this is what's happening. So I'm glad. Now I wonder... how long am I gonna be left here waiting... for my wish to come true?
I don't know. I said I needed another distraction. To get me through the next week. I don't know. I just hate this all. Maybe. Perhaps. I don't see why I need a distraction in life. What am I seeking? I don't know. I was having this convo once on what it meant to be depressed (not depression of course - no mental illnesses here). I thought I wasn't depressed or anything. But then I heard someone else describing what being depressed meant to them and well... I know that feeling all too well. So I guess I do cover those symptoms. You know, when you hate to wake up, when you feel unmotivated to do anything (whether it's homework, or just fun stuff like gaming or anime watching), when you don't feel like eating, when you just want to sleep and never wake up again... greatest joy right now is for me to escape reality as much as I can. Be in denial. And wish time would just stop forever. But it doesn't, it never has and it never will. And I don't know how I can adjust to this any longer.
I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate hate hate hate hate all of this.
I had another convo to talk about the importance of people and their problems. My problem is very minor. Damn, I hate myself. I can't handle anything, eh? I fail at life. I am overly dependant, and can't adjust. Can't accept things. I just wanna escape. But I can't escape. I don't know. Everyone else faces greater things then me? Why am I not stronger then? Why can't I be okay? Am I okay? People ask me what's up. I don't want to say "I'm okay." I am NOT OKAY. I have never been okay. I don't ever recall being okay.
I just wanna smash my head continously against a wall. Maybe if I do that I'll get amnesia. Then I'll be okay. That'll be awesome. But I don't want a concussion. Yes, I am rambling. It's what happens when I'm in this mood where I'm confused. I dunno, maybe I'll just be a mushroom again next week. Against a wall. Until I see a hand reaching out for me, part of me can't even remember what I've been waiting for all this time. But I know that I previously decided, and felt - upon my self that I would wait as long as I needed to.
I wish it was raining right now. If it was I would sooo take a walk in the rain. I did that once. I left the house here at like 12 AM. For no reason. I sat in the rain. I remember that day. I just dreamed of someone coming to hold out a hand and ask me to go back inside. No one came in the end. I went in after a half hour or so when I was freezing. Okay, there is no reason doing that. As there is no reason to dream in this world. But whatever. Even if I continued to stay alone, the rain and the cold felt nice I guess.
Haha. I guess if a mood was a song I'd be playing Richard Marx' "Right Here Waiting."
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