Sitting in the rain...

Okay, the today entry. Uhh... a messy day I suppose. I woke up to get to uni by 10 AM for a Japanese Conversation class thingy or whatever run by the Japanese Club. I was determined to be okay but I was thrown off for a certain reason and ended up crying again in the morning. But I ignored it and went out anyway - determined to try my best for the day. The class itself was rather interesting. Leon was gonna be late since his bus was late, and I didn't know any Japanese either which made it a bit difficult for the organiser I think, lol. She probably wasn't expecting complete n00bs. Luckily I do know a bit of Japanese so I guess I can at least ask "What is your name?" and "What does [insert word] mean?". First game we did was umm... we had to line up in order of our names. After asking each other for names. Then there was little pieces of paper with hiragana, and she picked out a random one and in small groups of three we had to write as many words with that hiragana. Luckily I could contribute to this since I do know some vocab! XD

Next activity was umm... two truths and a lie game in Japanese. I obviously couldn't really take part but I did manage to follow everyone's sentences like maybe half the time. When it was my turn I tried to just copy others since they knew I was n00b anyway. Then it was over and me and Leon went over to lunch tables! It was dantai practice so I soon left after that and practiced for a few hours. Then I went back to lunch tables again.

We tried to have fun and stuff. One time, Jo, Eloise, Martin, me and Linda were trying to re-enact Captain Planet skits but Tom told us to stop as we were an annoyance (and probably an embarassment, lol). Oh well, I think this was the only time of the day I was reallly realllly enjoying myself anyway. Uhh... Rachel tried to stick by me for these few hours as my mood was really unstable. We were sort of sleepy so yeah, sometimes we just napped on the table. I ended up napping for the last hour before 5 PM, although I wasn't really napping either to be honest. I didn't fall asleep once. I just didn't... or couldn't... socialise with the crowd...

At 5 PM I left by myself into the rain and went to hang out with Campus Connect. I met like a girl there and we chatted for a bit. I got a SMS from Leon/Sammi there saying that I left without saying goodbye. And it ended with "we love you." I had to brush a few tears away from reading that. ^^ But I left when Sha came and they were playing some cricket activity. It was raining at this time. I wanted to take a walk. Sha chased after me asking me to come back inside. But I told her I was okay (okay I wasn't but... okay enough ~). I took out my umbrella at least to show that I wasn't gonna walk in the rain as it was too heavy (and it was freezing I should say). So she had to let me go. Umm... during this time, I was like wandering around engineering and it was dark already so I setlled on sitting at the metal benches outside the S1 - S4 theatres. And I sat there for 1 and a half hours. Didn't use my umbrella either but it was only drizzling once in a while. So I just got wet a slight bit. It was just really really cold.

Haha, the time sitting there was interesting. I was freezing, and I rejected all of Sha and Yi Xin's calls. I did send them text messages cause I wouldn't want them to freak out that I disappeared or something. Just that I didn't want to come back to Campus Connect... or home. I didn't feel like eating dinner either. What was I thinking during this time...? I dunno. I think it was a mix of everything. I was thinking how things went from January until now... and how it got to this point. And why. I wasn't really helping myself because rather then thinking of hopeful positive thoughts it just ended with me crying continously in regret I guess. I was just crying out of regret. Cause I couldn't change, I couldn't fix things up... to avoid things to be like this. I guess I was just really tired of everything. Of every day. Of days like today. It should be fun but... I have to try so hard to have fun until it isn't anymore sometimes. And it just hurts. I just kept crying with the words "it hurts.... it hurts... it hurts..." running through my head.

I mean I am beginning to understand of course. This experience has told me one thing. That is... if you don't want to lose the things most important to you, then put effort to change yourself - and the situation... before it is too late. Cause once you lose it you ain't getting it back. And yeah, I need to learn to appreciate what I do have now. Because to be without it... hurts more then anything.

Yi Xin asked me later on (as well as many other people)... so why did I sit in the rain? Uhh... I dunno. I think ultimately in the end I could sum it up in this one sentence.

"While I sat there in the freezing rain, my only wish was that you would come and offer me a hand."

I think I just wanted someone to come and save me. Or maybe a specific someone. Or something. I don't know...

I saw the security guard come by me so many times. I guess he didn't see me, otherwise I'm sure he would of asked me to like... go somewhere else. Rather then in that dark quiet and lonely place. But yeah, I left past 7:15 PM-ish cause it was raining harder and I was really cold... I only realised how cold I was when I got up. I couldn't stop shaking. While walking towards campus centre I was like "FUUCKKK IT'S COLDD" and it started raining pretty badly again. When I got upstairs... uhh... Leon, Sammi, Brad, K-man, Andrew Kim and Jeremy were there. Juan joined us later on in a bit. I feel bad for Leon and Sammi who kept staring at my state. Then the guys noticed @.@ Jeremy gave me his jacket in attempts to warm me up. Cause I basically didn't stop shaking until like 15 minutes later. I'm sorry to everyone... >.< I think it might not have been the wisest idea for me to show up but I couldn't get home yet cause I was too cold and tired so I wanted to warm up indoors. Everyone gave me a pat on the head and stuffs though. They were playing MahJong and cards. Uhh.. K-man left after a bit. And we got thrown out at 9 PM literally, lol.

Everyone walked me home! Well Juan went to the library. And yeah... Leon, Sammi, Brad, Andrew Kim and Jeremy walked me home! Apparently they were my Fellowship of the Ring! Or a band of stalkers. One or the other. Hehe. It was really sweet of them. It made my walk home a lot of fun! Cause they are the funniest group of people ever! When we got there I was scared Amanda would kick the shit out of me and I don't think she was too happy judging from her tone of voice so gomen Yi Xin >.< They left soon after since it was late. Apparently they all stalked Brad to his house too. Uhh... I tried to eat bread and soup for dinner since I didn't eat anything yet. Didn't really take much food in at all during the day (well had three mini custard buns during the day). Then I went back upstairs.

I was crying for the remainder of the night. Just from MSN and stuffs. Couldn't see the screen sometimes. I just couldn't stop. My eyes really hurted during the day and at night. I think I've been crying way too much. Till my eyes are bloodshot now. I think I realise now that I just really have to accept things for what they are, and move on. Cause everyone else has moved on already. And everyone has to go through this in their life. Rejection, loss and regret. It's normal. I recall typing this several hundred times already though. And I still haven't moved on. I wonder if I will ever move on... sometime told me that I might never truly move on if the feelings involved were real. *shrugs* I've no idea. I wonder if that is true....

Late at night I ended up sleeping peacefully cause of the guys. Had a hilarious convo with Law, Vu, Leon, Jeremy and Andrew Kim as we threw around LAME PICK-UP LINES!! Some of the ones I liked included...

- First buy an ice cream and find a hot girl, then say 'I'm sorry to bother you, but your melting my ice cream!"
- Can I have your picture so that I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
- If I could re-arrange the alphabet I would put U and I together.
- I wanna touch your curves with my tangent.
- You must be an adverb, because you sure do modify me!
- I'm bigger and better then the Titanic... only 200 women went down on the Titanic!
- Are you a Pokemon trainer? Because you sure do capture my heart!

We all bailed at 1 AM. I didn't cry myself to sleep. I was glad.