Should I have just disappeared?

It hurts... it hurts... it hurts... it hurts... it hurts... it hurts... I see why people stab themselves or whatever. I think I would like to worry about my arm stinging from blood rather then what I feel right now. Why did Amanda had to have taken my boxcutter... =.=

Weird day. Me acting weird. I don't really get it anymore. I seriously just don't get it anymore. I don't know what to do. I honestly don't know what to do. And I'm acting increasingly more tired now. I'm sort of scared to be honest. I just feel like pulling stupid stunts all the time. People will probably grab me and start bitchslapping me for it but... I...

I just spent the morning trying to do readings. As usual, I had a hard time getting up. Hate waking up. Don't want to wake up. I never want to wake up. I hate the day. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I don't want this. I don't want this... why doe things have to be like this? Why did I cause things to be like this? It's all my fault and I know this is all karma. But... dammit. It's a bad question to ask yourself but a person should really never ask themselves why did it have to be like this? Cause things just happen the way they do... but still... After eating like whatever for lunch, I went to uni to catch up with Kimmy's K-Pop group. We're now officially called MVP so I'll call it that from now on. So yeah, for MVP practice. Oh, MVP stands for Most Valuable People I think, or More Virgins Please according to Alan. We went over Eat You Up and realise how much fail we are cause we forgot a good part of the dance. Even though we should have finished it already. Then Alan was practicing Mirotic with Jason while I studied and Sebby + Kimmy gossiped and giggled about things. We decided to end early at 3 PM due to lack of interest and laziness. And having no room. Haha.

Uhh... stood around talking and stuffs until maccas monday. I had a sundae there, I'm supposed to be on a diet and no spending monies but I still indulge once in a while just cause if I take too many things away I'll go mad one day. I left like at 5 PM. I wanted to go home to make pie but ended up on MSN for quite a bit. Then it was 6 PM. And Sha was like... just eat instant food / leftovers as I have wu shu. Dinner was... uneventful.

Near to 8 PM, I got really... well 'anxious' was what I wrote on Facebook and MSN, but it was more like just plain upset. It was hard but I went downstairs anyway and left the house even more upset due to a few careless comments people made (which I won't blame them for - I should be less sensitive and how would anyone have known what I was thinking at the time?). The walk to wu shu was bad in that I decided while staring at the dark sky, and breathing the cold air, and watching as the cars just pass by. I thought I wouldn't come home. Dunno, spend the night just staring at the sky or something. Sounds perfectly good! So I went to wu su and did the usual stuff there. Scott came back today surprisingly (wonder where he went). We all had to do our basic forms by ourselves to be critiqued by Master Tang, so I did mine and he said it was good. Just need to work on basic stuff like punches. Lydia asked me how I did - hopefully I can go back to working on cadjuls in the next few weeks (wooden staff).

I left wu shu... I did not plan to return home. But... gah. John was outside with his bike. To walk me home. So.. there goes my plan. Maybe it is a positive thing of course. Obviously a part of myself wanted someone to come and fetch me, people naturally want to feel wanted, to feel loved and appreciated. So I would come home when I see someone going through the trouble of getting me. I'm an attention whore, I like attention. When I got home, basically just MSN and... me crying the entire remainder of the night.

It's really difficult. It really is. Amanda came eventually to talk to me. There are a lot of things we realised...

a.) I know exactly what's going on, what I want, what is the problem, and what I should do. What is keeping me from it? Answer is... cause there is no solution. Sometimes things just don't go your way and there is nothing you can do about it. Things just won't go your way. Time won't turn back. The future does not just fall in place. What can you do? There is nothing you can do. When it is truly out of your control, it is TRULY OUT OF YOUR CONTROL!

b.) No, I have not 'given up' in the literal sense. To really give up on all hope would mean that I take my own life and I obviously haven't done that, nor will I do that. Just cause I hope, wish and know that good things will happen one day. Even if the one day is like 3 years away. It'll happen. I'm crying everyday. Why? Cause it hurts and it is gonna hurt for a long time. I'll just have to live with it.

c.) The idea of professional help. Now, I sort of hate counsellors. Cause I don't think I have a problem. But I keep saying this, and this itself might be a problem. I dunno, I said I don't have a problem. Yet Amanda says I do cause it isn't the problem itself, it's what it is doing to you. Cause it is interfering with daily life. I do realise it is slowly eating away at my ability to simply live. I am largely in denial of reality right now. I dunno how long I plan to stay in denial. I do know that if I stay too long like this I'll just get worse and worse. I don't know what makes up depression itself (like the actual mental disorder) - I've forgotten the symptoms (and this is my area of study!! LOL) but I can develop it if I leave myself like this for too long. But I do still think it is rather extreme if you see me swallowing anti-depressants. Just what I need! To become a druggie. LOL. I dunno, too much still. Least for now. I don't get how pills would work anyway. What haunts me right now are memories. Unless you give me something that can induce amnesia.

d.) It's a bit confusing cause I contradicted myself several hundred times while talking to her. I dunno, thoughts are a blur sometimes I guess. I think living simple is a good thing. Having simple thoughts. I contradict myself on my blog often too cause my thoughts a muddle. Just too many things. Everywhere. And what I say depends on my mood. Obviously when I'm in my cry fest I'll bring out everything that stabs into me the most.

I think I cried for like 3 hours today. Yes, it was bad. Then she left. And I went to brush my teeth and I started crying again while brushing my teeth. I was like... "this really sucks... T.T I can't even do something as basic as brush my teeth without crying... so much fail..." Yeah, so much fail. I just can't stop crying. I guess I'll cry myself to sleep tonight. There isn't much to think about anymore. Everything just really hurts. It just hurts. Hurts.. hurts... hurts. And the questions in my head? Include... why did everything have to be like this? Why the hell did I cause everything to be like this?

And lastly, "why can't I be a good person?"

Hehe. Cause you know... cause I'm not a good person. That things are like this. Yeah, I think I realised a long time ago. I've forgiven everything. And everyone. The only thing I have not forgiven is myself. And I never will. Because I caused this. What I feel right now is just karma. Yes, I do worry sometimes that me crying everyday is just gonna make me go increasingly more nuts but it is karma. I did this to myself. It is my fault. There is nothing wrong right now. It is all in my head. And even if there is something wrong, I DID THIS. I know that. It's just all me.

Now the hard part is to accept this reality for what it is.