Failing, tears and the lot...

A seemingly pleasant day went slamming down to the deepest parts of the abyss in front of me. I woke up at 6 AM as per usual. I attempted to study until class at uhh... 11 AM in Caulfield. The class ended a few minutes late and I missed my bus back to Clayton by 20 seconds. Gah. Uni... umm... I watched the first episode of Kurokami with Rachel and Steve while eating cup Ramen, lol. It's pretty good. It's about umm... the fact that there are 3 people in the world who look like you. If two of these people meet, the strongest one lives while the other two die. So like, the episode had this little girl die at the end. I LOL-ed so badly when it happened (she got run over by a truck), like I dunno why I LOL-ed. Steve and Rachel though I was sadistic and psycho. I can't help it. This happened back in high school too.

Yay, then dance practice with Kimmy's group. At 3 PM I went over to the Education building to see my essay results for EDF3006. This is a 50% assignment. It is worth half my grades. I got 32%... yes, 32% out of a 100%. That means 16% out of the overall grade. I failed that badly. I FAILED THAT BADLY.

I immediately fell over and lightly sprained my ankle while hobbling back in shock to the Menzies where everyone else was. Bad luck there. I tried to be normal but then my mum phoned! Apparently there is a fraud case going on around in Brunei / Malaysia where these overseas people like, phone your home and tell you that they have kidnapped your child studying in Australia, demanding large amounts of money for their return. Some people have lost over $50'000 or something. They phoned Papa and apparently he yelled at them or something. Mum phoned me immediately after to make sure I wasn't really kidnapped.

I then told mum about my... failure. And the tears started coming and they didn't stop. See, normally I wouldn't cry in FRONT OF EVERYONE (well Xin, Kimmy, Alan, Lee, Sebby, Jason, Vince and Steve... gahh). But they couldn't stop. Fear of failure is too much. Cause it's a core unit, if I fail this I dunno if I can get to second sem, and I dunno how much I am gonna fall behind. I really can't stay an extra year here (although I can take summer courses if its needed). Bleh. Vince brought me chocolate as a gift to cheer me up, lol. Yay~ chocolate! So yeah, I didn't practice Sorry Sorry at all... gomen, Sebby-chan.

Back to lunch table. I felt like crap. Like shit. Unfortunately, when one bad thing happens it's when all the other things haunting you (that you've been trying your utmost best to hold back) come flooding back in. So I kept my head down. I think Tom noticed since him and Xin sat down with me and Vince as we crapped on about random things. Played some random DS game with Yvonne. Then went home. Me, Xin and Vince were like telling reallly bad jokes to each other on the way home, lol.

Dinner was burnt tandoori chicken by me (packet sauce), garlic bread and Sha's yummy potato-tuna baked dish. Sort of like Sheperd's Pie but with tuna instead of ground beef. It was really good. Spent the night attempting to study and a bit of MSN as usual.

Was down at night. Hmm. What was my train of thought? I am not sure. I was thinking about my crappy grades. Then thinking about the past. And how I loved and longed for comforting words from the person I had loved. Heh, well I know this is only a temporary feeling. I am not supposed to have any "I miss... this and this..." feelings anymore. That and the fact that I may no longer hear that comforting voice, but I have all my beloved friends around me. I mean, it should be everything in the world when you have everyone asking you whether you're okay or not. Heh. I just wrote yesterday that things were looking fine. I am not taking back my words. I'll always have Xin, Sha, Jia Chee, Mag and everyone around me, and I'm really happy to have new friends like Alan, Rachel, Vince and etc. It made everyday fun, so I won't let this one day drag me down.

As for my grades, I need to get a D or higher for my final exam to pass that unit I need to pass really badly. It'll be hard because I am really weak at exams (I don't recall getting higher then C normally). I can only try my best. So yes, I am failing but... it IS not over yet. And I will not lose any longer. I cried to mum telling her "Sorry... sorry..." and she said that she understood why I was failing all my subjects. She said it was fine, and said to not let feelings drag me down any longer. Said something like how life was always like this anyway. It's okay, nothing is ever really right for very long. So I just need to savour things when they are right. Even if only for a while. And get back up when I do fall to the ground. I owe it to Mum and Dad really. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I can't do something like that to them.

I'll spent the next month making sure I pass my other three units (which I have an average of 51%... YES, I am DOING THAT POORLY THIS SEMESTER... I have dropped a lot from being the HD student, eh?). Then worry about the one I am failing. It's not over yet. Yep. It's not over yet... I refuse to lose to this. Definitely.

"The conditions of conquest are always easy. We have but to toil awhile, endure awhile, believe always, and never turn back."

@Mr. Anonymous: lol, I know who you are. And... thanks, man. Dull the memory really. I am not the type to forget. Stuff that happened 10 years ago still hurt my heart till this day. I am that impressionable. I would feel sad if you stopped watching out for me though. It may be an annoyance at times but, still always be there.. eh? Cause I'm not fine just yet either. I don't really have much tears to shed anymore but to be honest I can still hear my heart crying everyday.

@Xin: Did you notice that he said ke ai? Not bu ke ai, lol. Yeah, I've come to far. Nearing 3 months of well... I wouldn't call it hell but of me climbing up that damn hole I was talking about. To be honest I occasionally get really wary of trying. Be warned in case I blow up and have another panic attack in the next week. It may happen.