Because I don't want to be weak...

Gah. I guess today would be considered one of those not so good days? I was fine until the evening where I had a 'trigger' which meant... full blown breakdown today (and once again I wasted another 3 hours of Yi Xin's time while she attempted to calm me down and it ends with us discussing various things on life - which is always fascinating).

I got up at 4 AM as I managed to turn off my alarm again without waking up. Spent the entire time working on notes for my two hour tutorial at 9 AM. Went to class and all. Uhh... I did not talk very much. My work was all for waste. Bah. I know I fail. I sort of came to a realisation today that I really am rather deficient in semi-formal improvised speech. I can do it rather easily with a keyboard, but I can't process things into spoken words. Makes me a poor teacher and a poor public speaker. I need to work on that. I need to be able to just whing it. But... I panic when I know I need to make an introduction to a presentation or something. I can read off paper fine though but anyone can do that...

I found it amusing that one time, the teacher like made everyone write derogatory terms onto postit notes then stuck one on our heads. I got "Inbred" on mine. Meaning incest. Someone wrote FOB and a lot of people didn't know what a FOB was. I LOL-ed at this. I mean, I've been called FOB since my first year in Australia! It's hilarious when they were talking about it. Saying how it is so commonly used does it really matter? I would say it doens't, but I would say that it does matter to international students like myself who just came to this country. So stop throwing it around sometimes. I honestly don't care now but I know some do. I mean, it's usual for any country to have their countrymen dislike the idea behind immigrants / foreigners. My mum dislikes them too in Brunei (claims the increased crime rate in Brunei over the past 15 years was due to immigrants - since these days Brunei has like murders and stuff, in the past that was unheard of apparently... but ironically, the murders I'm pretty sure were done by actual Bruneians so I don't see how this theory adds up...).

Lecture was meh. Then short 20 minute group meeting for EDF3009. Then I went home for 20 minutes to each lunch (I left lunch at home so like... I decided to just go back. Don't feel like spending monies). Tutorial at 1 PM. It was just more discussion. I tend to talk in that class as it is in small groups.

Umm... lunch table time. Let's see, me and Vince was tortured to death as we sat through 31 minutes of SOME RETARDED STICK MAN FLASH VIDEO. 31 effin' minutes of watching stick men kill each other in vaguely the same way for no apparent reason. Every millisecond could I feel a braincell burning away. We were forced by Andrew Kim and Kai Lun. *le sighs* Vince watched it just so he could get help from Kai Lun on the IT assignment all the MHS IT guys are doing. I don't know why I sat through it. To prove that I can (while Rachel had run away!!!) I just sat around talking and stuffs today. Watched a bit of eppy one of Shugo Chara! with Rachel and Kimmy~

The memorable thing? OMG. Vince forced me, Tom and Yi Xin to watch HAPPY TREE FRIENDS. I've never seen it before! IT IS HORRIFIC! HORRRRRIFIC. I was screaming and screaming my head off in the campus centre. Like literally! And people like Tom and I think it was Leon or someone each grabbed me once to shove me in front of the screen. Tom and Vince are sadistic! They were both laughing their heads off. And Khanat was going all "OMG!!! OMG!!!" The Moose guy had one leg stuck under a tree! He used a SPOON to cut off his leg all night. Only to realise it was the WRONG LEG he stabbed to nothingness! Gahhh. And the other video where the animals died one by one and was all skewered in the end. OMG. I went home with Yi Xin in a hurry cause I didn't want to watch anymore!! GAHHHHHH. @.@

And now the emo part of the post. So, I found out a couple of things this evening. About... well, what the group of us will be doing tomorrow. Now, I actually thought I was told this at the wrong time cause I was fuming on the way home. Because a CERTAIN SOMEONE who I won't name had the nerve to tease me about things in uni, publically, about things that HAVE BEEN HURTING ME. BADLY. I don't know what is funny at all. I would like to see people laughing when it happens to them. Cause it isn't funny. And I'm not laughing. Oh yeah, this is all just one big joke! Oh what fun. The intelligence of some individuals are absolutely apalling. I know I'm not exactly the smartest chip on the block (as can be easily concluded) but I'm at least very aware and sensitive to the feelings of others (aka empathy). To a decent extent. And to offensively ridicule someone over what they have been through, and is still attempting to recover from. Ridiculous. Believe me. If things were funny, I would be laughing. You don't see me laughing at everyone else who is trying their best, do you?

So let's ignore and forget that. Then I was told the interesting news. My most initial reaction was... run away. We walked home in silence, then near the door I had my usual breakdown. Crying outside the house for a while before asking if I could continue crying inside instead, lol. And yeah it sort of went on for ages. I mean we were talking about stuffs quite often too. I don't really know what to think if you ask me. Actually, I don't even know why I cried. Cause there isn't anything to cry about. I think it was just built up stress (cause I haven't cried for a week or two, well last week doesn't count cause I cried for a different reason - my failing a unit) so I guess it is built up stress. I thought about it more logically and it really made no sense what I was upset about? I think I was just pissed off already cause of what happened earlier, then to be told even more stuff was icing on the cake.

Out of stuffs I said I think I was crying out of tiredness. Cause I was mumbling how being like this isn't how I want to be. Don't wanna waste anymore time. It's tiring anyway. Just wanna sit around and laugh. Without reserve. I think that is the keyword here. One can easily smile and laugh. Without reserve... without something dragging them behind. That's the hard part. But then, if you asked me... I can look into a lot of people's eyes and I can easily see. There is something behind their smiles that look even more fake then me... but meh, life is life. Obviously everyone has something dragging them down. I can go through my memory and quite frankly I would like to forget half the stuff that happened to me in the past 15 years too. LOL. But meh, standard drama of life. It's why I always said anyway. I'm just naturally weak. Cause everyone else has something worse and look at them. They're awesome. But then again I also know that you should never compare yourself to anyone else. If we fought over who had a more difficult life it would be absolutely stupid. And I can't stand it when I hear people mumbling about how their life is so much more difficult then mine. Wow, good for you.

So meh... it took me a while but I decided I won't run. I was gonna run. And not go to Korean BBQ (no one will be at home tomorrow though, so it will be rather depressing). Then I was like... oh. I recall telling several people today I'm gonna come tomorrow. Wait... how do I run away now? O.o It makes me happy to know that... there are gonna be a few people around who will actually notice I'm missing! But that's also like, oh crap. I can't run. Gah. Was told by like... say two people. To not run. Just face it. To stop running. I think some people take the just run and ignore tactic for an extended period of time. I thought it would work well enough. But I dunno, I'm looking around and I don't see some people recovering at all. It's not a recovery if you can't stay normal once you run into that person you're trying to avoid. Even after 5 months or 6 months. I know I don't wanna be like that after 6 months. =.=

I remember someone telling me that two people actively ignoring each other in a group of supposed friends is one of the most childish things ever. I got called childish by someone younger then me. It's rather funny. Probably true. But funny. I recalled a conversation I had with a certain individual. From months ago. That if two people are fighting, it takes that one person to drop their pride and take that first step down for them to have the chance to get along again. Or something like that. I just find there's a lot of irony happening there. Heh. So much irony.

Well, that's enough. Now let's hope I stick with what I decided upon! Will have fun, tomorrow will be fun. There's like 30 of us so it should be cool. Hehe. Yeah, it was 7 PM by the time I left Xin's room. Oh yeah, I was cooking dinner today! Gahh. I made minced chicken and spinach pasta bake! Xin cooked Jia Chee's cheese mushroom thing and Jia Chee took leftover pasta I had and added chilli to it, lol. It was alright-ish. Then we sat around after dinner bullying Thomas. Uhh... we were trying to teach him Chinese. In different dialects. His pronounciation for someone who has never spoken Chinese is really good. A lot better then those people in Chinese 1, lol. Then the funniest part was explaining to him how "Manglish" works. So like, "can ah?" is a question while "can lah" is a statement... "can kua" is a yeah it's possible sort of thing. It isn't as funny typed up since words have punctuation. Speaking the difference between can ah, can lah and can kua was really funny. I didn't do much else at night. Slept early again, haha. Won't wake up at 3 AM for once! As I have no work for tomorrow for once.

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

@Anonymous: I know that, haha. So who are you again? :P I thought you were K-man but he was like... no, lol.
@Les: I hated injections in high school. I got stabbed in the wrong places too. Gah. But I think there are still 3 boosters. I dunno about it now though, as for the injections the rules change a bit when someone over 18 takes it. I think. I know they are still supposed to though. I think it's only when you're over 26 that it doens't take much affect anymore.
@Yi Xin: LONG LOST FRIENDS! But...but... it's so much fun to have long lost friends! Hehe. Injection... kowaiii!!! And yeah, it's like hair salons to me. I will run away if I'm on my own.
@Mag: Haha. Orlando was... certainly very interesting. Good luck with your work too! Haven't spoken to you all week. But your FB is telling me that you're busy with works and stuff. And it is weird how it's summer for you and winter for me. But like, I bet England's summers can't even be that hot, right? o.o Although the world's weather is getting messed up lately.