A cry for help...

Yeah, life is like a scale right now to me. My emotions range from laughter to utter sadness in a period of 10 seconds. And I know certain people are starting to be able to accurately see my face expressions as I have random people making eye contact with me longer then necessary and I think they are concerned (or they just know what I'm thinking) but say nothing because they know there is nothing else to say. After all, it's all left to me... right? Life will not change with sadness, tears or pain. I just need to stop it. Somehow.

I had a difficult morning. It was... agonising. I'm sorry, but it was. I woke up teary, and yeah... I dunno. Sort of just wished I didn't wake up. Dreams are nice you know? Waking up thinking about the past, thinking about better times... really isn't something I should be doing. My mp3 player ran out of battery so I was like "shit..." cause it meant I had to ride the bus to Caulfield without anything to keep my mind busy with. Let's see, for the 3 hour lecture. Uhh.. first two hours is a film. We watched an adaptation of Jane Austen's "Emma". I fell asleep one part and I was on MSN the entire time with Magdalene. She sent me tons of songs and stuff as she insists that my music is too emo and thus not good for the current times, lol. <3 her muchies ~ The lecture was utter tortue though. I felt so sick... I just... felt really sick. Beyond sick.

After that I ran back to Clayton for screenings. Did the usual. I didn't bring my charger to uni so I had to use someone else's laptop for screenings. The second anime we showed, was the WORSE thing ever, it was sooooo bad it was good. LOL. Had a good laugh there... it was so bad everyone was laughing their heads off. After screenings... Raine came by. And I had a talk with her. And a long hour of crying in her hugs. I dunno, haha. I went back to lunch place after that since Raine had class. Just sat around with my laptop mostly. Nothing else to do. After a while I joined in with Kim's Neurotics dance lesson. So now I'm doing that dance from DBSK too, lol. It's fun. XD

Around 5:30 PM, Sam was like... let's go. I was like O.o where... oh. There is a birthday celebration for Drue at the bar? Me: lols. No one told me... uhh... am I gate crashing? As I wasn't invited. Not that I wasn't the only one. Everyone had a few drinks and chips / wedges and wedgachos (lol wedges + nachos combined). Haha, it was good. I drank nothing. Apologised to Jess in the end for intruding but she said it was fine. That she just didn't have my email to tell me (and Bernie was going on about... the fact that people were supposed to spread it around but we didn't, lols). Ooh yes! I saw Bernie again today! Which was nice. It seems my Easter break will be fairly busy too. =.= As I have tons of work but now everyday is getting filled up with stuff. As Chris invited me to something, Raine was making arrangements for something at Bernie's house another night, we got the Great Easter Road Trip with Vu and gang, and club camp...

Went home... had dinner. I tried to cook Mum's veggie cakes but it didn't turn out too well. It turned out a bit better after following the advice from Jono, lol. I left the dinner table early as I felt really ill... couldn't take it anymore. I will try my best to do that less though. I can't let emotions... like this. Control my life. And stop me from enjoying myself with my friends...

Honestly, I told Raine I was gonna be happy in front of everyone from now on. Regardless of what I felt. That I would put in that effort. But the tears don't stop, and I feel really dead. I broke one resolve I made to her recently. I dunno how many more resolves I am going to break. I told Amanda, told Stan, told Zac, told so many people... that I would stand up now. But I'm not... right now, I am not getting anywhere.

I'm just really scared. It sounds really weak but...

Please... help me....

I don't know what I want right now. I'm just lost. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything. I can't say "just let me sleep forever" because it's not like I want to die either. But right now I don't wanna do anything. I mean I said I was gonna get out of my hole. Magadalene was like... GET OUT OF THE FUCKING HOLE! I've been asked by many... "why are you still dwelling on the past?"... "why do you even bother being sad? IS IT EVEN WORTH IT?". I mean, whether something or someone is worth it or not - in the end this is my opinion. I mean.. maybe it would have been worth it. Although I know - as many have pointed out "Okay, so he might have been worth it. But... it's TOO LATE. It's over. It's too late. Forget about it. Move on! Live! You no longer have a chance. You need to move on!" If Mag or Manju were around me I can see them bitch slapping me though for still being like this... I mean, it would be make sense to say it isn't worth it considering how... tormented I am right now. Love is really blind... maybe I should go see Manju in the city. Good to see an old face. I can see her shaking me though. I mean... we grew up together, and we should of grew up to be strong independant people. Why did I turn out like this, eh? Mag was going on about... something from ISB days. C = Confidence? I have no idea where the heck that is from. I phail at the messages from ISB though. I lack confidence, independance and all those morals they try to pass on through the school. Anyway, as I was doing a few things deterring me from 'healing' or 'moving on', to tighten up a resolve I promised Magdalene I won't do certain things. I'll do everything in my power to keep that promise cause if I don't it'll be an insult to her. So yeah... gotta hold on...

You know, in the movies you have the people crying their eyes out. Then finally deciding to move on. Why am I not doing that? I was asking myself. How... long... am I supposed to be like this? It hurts too much... I don't want this. Even if I manage to stop myself from crying for the entire afternoon, I don't know... the entire time I can still feel my heart crying though. Just sitting there. It's like it's dead. Like it isn't there to begin with. Which would make sense. As someone else said... "yeah, your heart was taken away. Broken. And thrown away. Don't wait for him to give it back to you. It isn't happening, ever. Go and fucking get it back yourself!!".

Hmm. I may really go into counselling I think. Just to get special consideration also. Because... my work really is suffering. My assignment next week is defintely not gonna get done, it is difficult and it's 50%... I'm gonna fail. And I have a 20% test next week too. Even now I still can't concentrate in class. I will never forgive myself if I fail because I let one person affect me. And really, I know myself better then anyone. It's why I'm a bit worried. I honestly don't know what I'll need to end all this. I know for sure that just leaving me alone and hoping I'll be fine in the next month won't work though...

May things go well for the best. May everyone stay happy. A lot of people told me to stop worrying about others. Cause everyone else is moving on... everyone else is slowly finding their own happiness. My job is done already? I need to find my own place somewhere else right...? I wait for the day... my heart is no longer in pain. And my heart beat isn't like... twice the speed it should be. I wait for the day I can go through one day without crying. Without thinking of him. And without saying, thinking and feeling the words... "I miss you."

Because it will never be returned again.

"You taught me how to love; you taught me how to live; you taught me how to laugh; you taught me how to cry, but when you left, you forgot to teach me how to forget you."