The blur between the lie and the truth...

I woke up in contemplation. Not in a really sad way... I was just thinking. I don't even remember what I was thinking about now, I know I didn't get up upset though. Maybe I'm starting to be glad that I'm getting indifferent to everything now. Or I think my mind is. I think my heart is still screaming though cause I seem to find tears randomly going down my face at times when I'm not even thinking of anything in particular. The mind is blocking out emotions, but the soul is crying within. Or something like that. Maybe I should stop trying to sound poetic. And failing at it. LOL. XD I am not too sure really. Ieja said that she knows regardless of anything, I'll grow indifferent. But I may always feel pangs of sadness because the scar is already there. Buried deep. And isn't going to go away. Just what I need. More scars in my life. I can see myself going spastic over things like this that haunt me for life. As do things from 5 years ago still haunt me to this day. Or things from 10 years ago. Sad really...

The blur between what is a lie and what is the truth. I honestly don't know what is a truth. So I can only make my own assumptions. And continue with them. As I know some people want to keep things away from me. If ignorance is bliss, I do hope it is bliss then. But right now, I cannot see anything worse then betrayal, you know? And that is the truth my mind is set on, unless someone tells me otherwise. To be ignorant also brings me even more pain too. And I do wonder why things must be hidden from me. Is everything really even worse then I think it is? Wow... I dunno how much more worse it can be. How much more can one hurt me? And with that... I'm not to sure where to go on from there. I would preferably just continue to hate, and to hate myself for trusting lies. But it really isn't my personality to hate... or to hold a grudge... it just isn't me.

I wish it was. It would be so much easier to just hate.

It's the crappiest feeling in the world to have everyone tell you to hate that person, for you youself to tell yourself to hate that person, for that person probably hates you too - but for you yourself to not be able to do that. And to have so many people get mad because you can't do that. It makes you feel really alone. It's such a shitty feeling...

Uhh... I woke up around 4 hours later then I should of. Bah. Went to Clayton for lunch with the awesome foursome (aka me, Sha, Xin and Jia Chee), I had like 'Mie Ayam' for lunch. It was like badly cooked kolo mee with too much MSG in it. I miss my kolo mee... apparently Xin doen't know what kolo mee is... is it a Sarawak thing? o.o Gotta buy them kolo mee if they ever come to Borneo...

I was on another of my hyper moods during the shopping time. I ran around going "Xin!!!!" every 2 minutes pointing odd things out to buy, lol. When I'm all hyperactive, I'm never really sure what is going on. I should look that up in my textbook. Cause I know it may seem like I'm happy, technically it is a much better feeling then just being emo - but something is still off. I wouldn't call it plainly being happy. Something is wrong. Not sure what. I still think maybe it is me being confused with whether I am happy or sad. Or more like I am trying so hard to be happy that my mind snaps under the pressure... but that doesn't sound right either. Since when I snap under the pressure of 'trying' to be happy, I know what I do. And that's when I turn really nasty and sarcastic to everyone (happened a lot a week or two back).

Besides buying fruits + veggies for MCAC Marathon tomorrow, all I bought today was... chocolate. Haha. I didn't want to buy actual food. *shrugs* My mp3 player ran out of battery again, I need to charge it longer. LOL. It was okay cause I was with other people but I really must make sure it doesn't run out when I'm alone. Cause I can't stay alone without anything buzzing around my mind for too long. Then I freak. It's one of the main reasons why I want to go to a counsellor. Cause I can identify my own problems but I'm not too sure what to do from there. And I'm sort of afraid of what will happen if I end up developing any other psychological disorders...

Spent over an hour cutting two bags of carrots for tomorrow. *sigh* Another long day tomorrow. I am hoping I can get out of the marathon. Either to study or stick with my original plan of heading out somewhere more fun with Lesley... I dunno though. Might have a meeting tomorrow. *sigh 2* I'm gonna miss the committee so badly. It's a burden gone but... I'm gonna feel like I've really lost my place any where once it's over. I know I will. I'm worried I'm gonna develop identity crisis. The perceived self, the ideal self, the observed self... which one is me? And which one should I be so that everyone will accept me? I don't wanna be thrown away anymore... scared beyond scared of the AGM coming. I'm actually confident that if I run again, I can get re-elected somewhere (or for any position, seriously - well cept for lib/treas.. can't beat Drue and James in that lol). But... no. I can't. My time is over with MCAC... gotta leave it to the new people. I know that.

Akmal came over momentarily. Gave me chocolate. I tried to work on my 50% assignment. It's hard. I can't believe half my grades is based on a one sentence instruction. I'm like... DUDE WTF.

I had trouble working as usual. I ended up just laying in darkness for 40 minutes without moving for a second. And I did not even think much during that time. The time just went by. I dunno what I was trying to do really. I wasn't even really sad. I just stopped moving altogether. *shrugs* It's odd really. The tricks life play on you. There are so many straws for me to grasp, yet I keep looking for that one short one. It's pathetic. Cause I would drop all that straws for that one short one. But then I realise that the short one was never there to begin with.

Dinner was... instant noodle goodness! And yummy cream puffs from Xin from BreadTop. Yum yum. After dinner... I dunno. I couldn't concentrate. Which is bad.. really. Really bad. Didn't do very much at all. Ah well. Gotta get this done no matter what. Even without sleep or whatever. I hope I finish... or at least start it! LOL. I can't believe I haven't started my essay due on Thursday... I should go shoot myself. Seriously.

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for."