When I woke up from the dream...

I think I'll talk about the actual day first before moving onto a whole mass of emo-ness. Perhaps I should put a disclaimer on my blog. That is that... the blog is my last resort to get my feelings out. If you don't want to read it, GTFO. As I read on the wall of my high school counsellor's room "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." I don't care what I write here. If you wanna complain, I'll IP ban you from this blog if you can't GTFO yourself.

Today was Kim's birthday! As I had no class until 1 PM, I tumbled down to uni at 11 AM since Vu2 told me last night that it would be around 12-ish PM. From what I know, the plan was that Team A would get cake + card and Team B would get present from Chaddy. Apparently there were two cakes, two cards and a load of gifts (I only know the guys got her a hat, Zac gave her a giant Yoshi, Sebby-chan gave her a giant bear annnd Mel gave her sweets and earings). Hehe, at 12 Kim came and we sang happy birthday. And she got her gifts. Then add another 10 minutes and it was cake 1 time. I ran to MUISS to steal a knife. And we sang her Happy Birthday again! Reallly loudly in the Main Dining Hall. Everyone stared at us but it was great. But that's cause it's MCAC lunch table, I mean c'mon, there is like over 40 people there. Haha.

I went to class then came back for Dantai practice. While standing around, I spotted Izzati and Han Lin. So I went over, and Zati told me that Ieja was actually at Clayton for once O.O (cause she's a Caufield student) so I ran for it!!! And we had a good talk, and some good cries from me. And much advice from Zati (whom I have just found out is dating Nazri... Me: WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME?? lol here I am not noticing when two good friends of mine hooked up...). After that I went to Dantai practice... uhh sat around a bit. Was on laptop most of the time. Jono left me in charge of Balalaika now. Uhh... okay. I shall try my best to learn it and teach it... lol.

After that was English class which was boring. Then I walked home all emo as usual and blasting music into my ear (which I find is no longer an effective way to keep my thoughts in order). Shit. As always, I leeched dinner off my housemates. I feel bad, I need to cook. I need to get myself in order.

So let's move onto the rambling emo business. How should I say this... this morning. Someone had to pass me some certain information. Perhaps it would have been better to not have known? Ignorance is bliss? But better late then never, eh? If I only knew from the very beginning I wouldn't have to live through this 6 weeks OF FUCKING HELL. I... finally decided to wake up from my little dream. The past 6 weeks of me being in denial. In delusion. I have been in pain, and I have slowly been destroying myself for naught. From 1 AM - 3 AM today morning, I cried like I've never cried before.

Right now, I am not sure what is hurting me anymore now. That I was tricked? That I've been lied to? That everything was a lie? That I was living in my own little dream. Clinging onto hope that was never there to begin with? Quoting 1 Litre of Tears... yeah I've definiltey cried more then 1 litre of fucking tears, man. Probably enough litres to fill your bathtub. And what burns my heart the most? IT WAS ALL FOR NAUGHT. It was one-sided. I was in pain in my lonesomeness. I was sad for someone who would never feel sad for me. I should of noticed it earlier, but as Amanda put it... "yeah, I'm a delusional girl in love." From the way I see it, I was a stupid stupid FUCKING GODDAMN STUPID IDIOTIC MORON of a person in love. And I still am, but I shan't be for much longer because it isn't worth it anymore. I know this. I know this. I'll beat it into my head - into my damn soul if I have to.

Let's see... what have I done to myself in the past few months. I've lost more weight then I would want, by starvation rather then eating healthy. So my health went out the window. I've NEVER unpacked my room. It's in a mess. I've been living in a mess. I AM ON THE VERGE OF FAILING MY COURSE. I am a fool. I can never concentrate in class. I am always crying rather then doing homework. My readings just lead to tears. I have not done any work whatsoever. I have been neglecting my friends, ANGERING my friends, IGNORING new friends that I could have made. Put up with all the GOSSIP, all the laughter, of people thinking I am a stupid idiot for being sad for weeks. I am a fool. Who was naive and tricked, because I trusted the words of someone - more then I could ever imagine. And when I thought it was words I could trust, it turns out that it was all for nought. It's just betrayal now. I've been betrayed... again.

I said I was in a FUCKING HOLE right. Well, I truly realise now that the person who pushed me in will NEVER EVER help me out. SO FUCK IT. I'm climbing out myself then. A lot of people have went to see me, and have now told me in there harsh and strict manner, that they cannot help me anymore. I can only help myself. That they are waiting for me. The day I can proudly sit with everyone, to laugh and smile like today was my very last. FUCK IT. I am coming back to them then even if it kills me. I don't know what to think or feel right now. But I don't fucking care anymore. I am tired of this.

Today I was under the care of Amanda. My sole friend who has never left me even once. Through all odds, and all her sacrifices. I spoke to Magdalene, one of my dearest friends from Brunei, who is witty, sharp and would probably bitch slap everyone if she could. I got to see Ieja and Izzati, whom I have neglected but whom no matter what distance, time or language barriers we may ever have - would still offer me their hand. I know Stanny is waiting for me. I know Jia Chee is waiting for me. I know Phe is waiting for me. FUCKING HELL. Everyone has told me "COME BACK TO REALITY!" I am, goddamit I am. I spent 6 weeks in a worthless dream that didn't add up to anything in the end.

I've been pwned so badly. But... as Stanny put it. Celine is couragous and brave. And I'll stand up by myself. Dammit, I didn't live this long to fall now. I am someone with no motivation, so I put no effort into anything. So I look like a lazy fool who can't do anything. But I'll believe the words of my mum when she said I was good at anything and everything, if I ever bothered to try to begin with. Ieja has given me a one week cut off date. She told me I am too be normal again in one week. Cause it's been long enough already. I'll wake up from this dream, because tomorrow is just another day.

At the very least however, let me cry for another week then. I guess I am still a fool, eh? No one understands why I am even bothering to be sad. That it isn't worth it. But I am. I can only say, at least I am proud that my feelings were real. Because I do not want to go down to the level of someone who is nothing but a lie. But... I guess because it was real that the pain is just more overbearing. Gah, mum always did say... you know the ones who are in love, and the ones who are emotional and more compassionate, or the ones who are in pain in the end. Being the good girl doesn't always amount to everything in the end. I wish I could have no emotions... even if it is rather sad if you ask me... may I look back at this time in five years time and laugh at the past two months. Laugh at my foolish self for believing, clinging onto useless hope and crying for nought.

"A million words wouldn't bring you back. I know because I've tried. Neither would a million tears. I know because I've cried."