I left my hand out... waiting forever for you to take it.

The day. The day. I don't know. Let's just talk about it first. I overslept by 4 hours again. Cause I didn't want to wake up. Gah. FUCK IT. Okay, I got up, took a shower then went to Springvale with Ai Fang and Sha. We went for yum cha. It was good of course. Had a good time chatting to Ai Fang and eating different kinds of foods. It's cool that she knows how to cook a lot of the foods there at the yum cha place in Springy~ Then we went grocery shopping and stuffs. I bought a lot of baked goods for next week's lunch, lol. And meat for dinner. Bought bubble tea - although the one at Springvale isn't as good (but cheaper - assuming you aren't at HappyCup). And there goes my money for the week. My wallet was literally empty by the end. I am spending too much. Gah.

We got home by like 2:17 PM and I went out again near to 3 PM for Volleyball! There was me, Sebby, Sha, Cas, Thomas, Leon, Vu, Lesley, Bernie-kun and his girlfriend Melissa (yes he isn't single anymore!! How dare he keep this all from us!!!). Leon came a bit late, so me and Vu went to get him as he wonderously wandered around lost (also known as - walk in the opposite direction from where we actually were). Actual volleyball... well, I am the ultimate fail to be honest. I can only serve. Vu is really good but he played in high school he said. Leon hits with too much strength, so whenever he served everyone on his team ducked. It was funny to watch Sha play cause she ducked a lot to stay safe from... everyone. LOL. Vu and Thomas I think both smacked the ball outside the gate area, first time Lesley like climbed over the gate (SO EPIC I WANNA CLIMB OVER A GATE!!) then Vu did it then Thomas did it! So cool.

After that it started raining. And it was cold. So we left. Les drove people home, while me, Leon and Vu walked home. Then we all hate hot choco and tea at my house. Yi Xin came home from her day outing with cousins, and like brought home churros!! Yay~ Les didn't eat any though (I was guessing she's still on her no-choco diet). We sat and chatted for like more then an hour I think then Sebby + Les left. Kei Boon and John were like cooking the entire time, while me, Sha, Xin, Cas, Thomas, Vu and Leon were like sitting around talking. I was kinda happy that Thomas and Cas were able to talk to Vu and Leon and the rest of us - cause sometimes when I have friends over it doesn't always match up. And it just gets awkward. But the two guys are way friendly so I'm glad it was good (well Cas said that she liked them for once lol - the randoms we bring home).

After Vu and Leon left... uhh I cooked my apple crumble pie for dessert. And the guys had finished their dinner contribution already, Xin made soup, Sha did vegetables and Ai Fang made fried mince wrapped in that beancurd skin and curry chicken. And yeah, the house ate dinner together - which was really good. Cooking dinner in the small kitchen was rather chaotic though, John is incredibly mean to me and keeps intentionally bumping into me at every chance he can find. Kei Boon pretends to be the good kid until he starts playing jokes on you or goes sarcastic. XD It's funny though. Ai Fang's curry was spicy, hahaha. My apple crumble pie was too wet - but it was alright I suppose. I went back to my room early to 'study' which didn't happen. It was just MSN for the rest of the night.

I tried.

It seems that my distraction for the past few days may be over soon. What distraction? Well... as someone said it to me "I see. When you help other people with their problems you forget your own temporarily." That pretty much sums me up. Then I think both Leon and Yi Xin asked me basically "So like... what is gonna happen to you now?" Good question. I would like to know this too. Where does this leave me? I don't know. It's cool if everything works out for my mates in current times. It looks like this is what's happening. So I'm glad. Now I wonder... how long am I gonna be left here waiting... for my wish to come true?

I don't know. I said I needed another distraction. To get me through the next week. I don't know. I just hate this all. Maybe. Perhaps. I don't see why I need a distraction in life. What am I seeking? I don't know. I was having this convo once on what it meant to be depressed (not depression of course - no mental illnesses here). I thought I wasn't depressed or anything. But then I heard someone else describing what being depressed meant to them and well... I know that feeling all too well. So I guess I do cover those symptoms. You know, when you hate to wake up, when you feel unmotivated to do anything (whether it's homework, or just fun stuff like gaming or anime watching), when you don't feel like eating, when you just want to sleep and never wake up again... greatest joy right now is for me to escape reality as much as I can. Be in denial. And wish time would just stop forever. But it doesn't, it never has and it never will. And I don't know how I can adjust to this any longer.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate hate hate hate hate all of this.

I had another convo to talk about the importance of people and their problems. My problem is very minor. Damn, I hate myself. I can't handle anything, eh? I fail at life. I am overly dependant, and can't adjust. Can't accept things. I just wanna escape. But I can't escape. I don't know. Everyone else faces greater things then me? Why am I not stronger then? Why can't I be okay? Am I okay? People ask me what's up. I don't want to say "I'm okay." I am NOT OKAY. I have never been okay. I don't ever recall being okay.

I just wanna smash my head continously against a wall. Maybe if I do that I'll get amnesia. Then I'll be okay. That'll be awesome. But I don't want a concussion. Yes, I am rambling. It's what happens when I'm in this mood where I'm confused. I dunno, maybe I'll just be a mushroom again next week. Against a wall. Until I see a hand reaching out for me, part of me can't even remember what I've been waiting for all this time. But I know that I previously decided, and felt - upon my self that I would wait as long as I needed to.

I wish it was raining right now. If it was I would sooo take a walk in the rain. I did that once. I left the house here at like 12 AM. For no reason. I sat in the rain. I remember that day. I just dreamed of someone coming to hold out a hand and ask me to go back inside. No one came in the end. I went in after a half hour or so when I was freezing. Okay, there is no reason doing that. As there is no reason to dream in this world. But whatever. Even if I continued to stay alone, the rain and the cold felt nice I guess.

Haha. I guess if a mood was a song I'd be playing Richard Marx' "Right Here Waiting."