The reminder to smile...

I think I need that reminder. To smile. And be happy. I keep forgetting it. Because I'm stupid. Only stupid people like me forget that I have so much to be happy for. I think my question of the day was. So.. when will this stop? When will this all stop? This crap feeling. Everyone tells me "Don't worry, Celine. It'll go away. You'll feel nothing one day. And you'll look back and laugh at yourself." Well now, it's been 4 months. I wanna look back and I still can't. I still feel like crap. Almost just like since day one. Maybe not as bad. At least, I am not laying on my bed, hunched up... begging for time to stop. And for myself to never wake up to this reality. Okay, I'm not doing that. But... I'm really just floating around right now. And I wish, so badly, that I could just... sit around, laugh, smile and be happy with everyone else as though nothing was wrong. I also feel bad for Jia Chee. I mean, it was her last semester here. And I did nothing to make to enjoyable. Instead, I came back to Australia crying. I cried for months. And probably till' the day she leaves will I still be crying.

I woke up at around 3:30 AM feeling like crap. My alarm was set to 2 AM but I didn't get up unfortunately. Instead of doing work I spent like 2 hours chatting on MCAC forum chat with Leon, Steph and James. I had a good time though. Am happy to have joined them. Don't think they would read this, or understand, but I dunno, I think that nice honest string of convos we have was sort of refreshing in a sense. Either way, it put me in a decently good mood for the day.

I spent the morning working on my EDF3009 reading journal and ENH3991 Assignment. Had lunch at 11:30 AM, went to uni at around 2 PM. For dantai mostly. There was so many people at practice today. Like... over 20 people. The room was full and crowded. I didn't realise we had THAT many members. We just practiced, saw the danjou video (I refuse to do that dance, lol), watched last year's dance + karaoke videos. At the end was like a dance showdown. Sort of. Had Jason + Kim's Mirotic, me and Kimmy did Eat You Up (I phail, lol), and other stuffs.

I went to lunch tables before heading to library then home. Uhh... Mel, Leon and Lawrence was watching "Bloody Monday". It looked interesting for a Jdrama. Remind me to bug Leon to get it off him. I needs to stuffs to watch during exam period while everyone is studying their head off (I will be studying too considering the only exam I have is on the unit that I have practically CONFIRMED to be failing if I don't get a Distinction or higher... If I fail this core unit I will smack myself continously cause I dunno what to say to mum "Oh sorry, I failed cause I was too busy being emo over losing someone." No no no. Gah.)

I went to the library. Then hobbled home. I dunno why but walking in the dark in the evening just made me a bit sad. I realise it's my fear acting up. I fear loneliness. So just being alone for an hour or two affects me. I know I haven't gotten my indepedance back yet. I need to work on this. By next semester, I MUST go back next semester being the Celine of last year. Regardless of anything, to be enjoying life. Because life is meant to be enjoyed. And to be happy. Because like Jia Chee said, good things WILL happen to me when I am happy. Dinner was just instant noodles. I ate pretty fast and just stuck to my room for the night.

"Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, never completely forget about it."