As long as you're happy...

I thought I would take a leaf out of Lesley's book and look at my dreams. So in the morning, I've had this on reoccurring dream that has been bothering me for... I don't know how long. I'm in a room. 'My' room. But it is an empty room. With white walls and a bed. There is a whiteboard on the wall of the room, with a lot of scribblings everywhere. Words and what not. Two men always come into my room and one of them stares at the whiteboard. The other seems seems to be talking to me. And nothing else really happens from there. I normally wake up. I just find this odd because I recall having this exact same dream like... numerous times already. I wonder what it means...

As my morning was an incredible pot of emo (yes, it's true) let's talk about the more pleasant day first! Yay, so after my one hour of crying in the morning (yeah, I didn't think it was possible to have tears for a whole hour, holy crap, where does all the fluids come from??? Should I drink more water and eat more salt? XD XD). Yay, shower time then off to uni. I know Alan, Kim and Lawrence were there since 8 AM (the weirdos...). And I know last night, Leon and Jeremy stayed at Drue's place which I found hilarious. Just cause my facebook front page is full of their spamming to each other, and a message that says Leon was sitting in Drue's lap! Awwww!! I knew it! Ahahahaha!

I went to uni, uhh... for my lecture. They were talking about fat people in my lecture. And I find out that my group presentation on Thursday is delayed as the university is going on strike on Thursday! At least, my unit is. Oh joy! No class on Thursday! I went back to lunch table, Vu was there! Uhh... what else. Just general randomness. Rachel brought her MASSIVE anime collection to uni. Haha. Perhaps I should bring mine one day! Then we went to dantai practice. Vu-Vu actually came to practice! For once. Woah. So yeah, we had a good time there.

I then went for my children's lit tutorial. I got my 20% tutorial test back. I got a D! Which I was quite happy about. Perhaps there is hope for me just yet. This is the same unit my other 20% essay got like a 52% or something (my D was a 72.5%). I'm currently working on my next assignment worht 60%. I must get a D for that... yeah, I need to try my best. Getting good grades back sort of makes me happy. Self-fulfillment I guess. I know I'm not the smartest thing in the world but I'm really not used to being treated as stupid, ya know? lol I mean... I wasn't top of class in ISB but I was pretty damn near the top a lot of the times (and I was #1 in IT!! I remember that, our seating was based on grade rankings and I had the #1 seat the entire time ~) Oh the good ol' days when I actually learned things. Now I can just write essays about random topics and books, and the most useful thing I learn I suppose is the psychology part of Education. But that's about it.

When I went back to lunch table... hmm, Rachel apparently left like 10 seconds before I got there! NOOOO! Bleh. And Vince was about to leave too. So yeah, I went home. Sat around for a while. Went to bake a couple of cookies downstairs to eat. Had instant noodle dinner with the housemates. Then I fell asleep in Yi Xin's room for an hour while her and Joanne / Mei Xian chat in the background with Korean songs playng the entire time. It's amazing where you can sleep when you are that tired.

So yeah, onto the sob sob stuffs. Yes, I'm sorry. You have to sit through me typing stuff like this. If I don't get it out I can't function properly in the daytime. Too much pressure and I can feel myself dying inside sometimes. I was crying pretty badly in the morning. The tears just wouldn't stop. Like a water fountain! Maybe if I cry enough it'll stop one day. But at least it doesn't happy too often now, sort of shows I am getting more immune to things. I need to take a perspective on life of indifference. Should not let anyone or anything faze me anymore. I highly doubt that would happen though, I don't recall myself or my family being the "I don't care, what happens happens" type. We're sentimental and sensitive people. The sort of people a lot of people like to say is kind, but... the sort of people also often in pain. Cause, the world is not kind... nor is it sentimental. But, I'd like to pretend it was. It's much easier that way. And I think I prefer the me who trusts the people she meet, rather then the me who thinks everyone has ulterior motives.

I just hugged my pillow and thought about a load of stuff. Hah, I was trying to figure out how did everything get to this point. My memory is starting to get a bit warped now. I think if one thinks too much, I'll start having trouble telling the difference of what is actual fact and what is stuff conjured up in my head. I was a bit confused. But yeah, I'll stop thinking soon, I hope. Cause, if I start believing in things that might not have actually happened... I dunno what sort of mental disorder I'm developing but I need to stop that. I just decided at the end that, yeah... life will still go on. So I gotta keep on moving. And there's always hope for tomorrow. For me, and for my friends too, whom I love very much and I hope that, they'll all sort out the issues pulling them down too. I can at least take comfort these days in seeing the people around me happy. As long as everyone else is happy. I just don't want to see people crying also. It hurts even more. Cause, to have hope. You want to see everyone else reach that end of the path where everything works out well, ya know? So then I can have hope too. It's a funny feeling really. I guess this is what it's like. Never thought I would have it to. The feeling... for the one I love. To know that that person is happy, and with someone that will probably make them happier then I ever could. And to take comfort in that, an odd feeling that makes you smile. Smiling with tears coming down my face. Haha, I guess this is what bittersweet means. But, I think it's cool.

If I thought about it, I never really did make that person smile. Perhaps, I should of realised this would of happened all so much sooner. I guess, when I always joked "People had the misfortune of having to know me." - half of it is true. Maybe this is why people leave me eventually. I always believed in the words of those who said, "We'll be friends forever." or that... "I won't leave you.". They did though. They left me. I just do too many things wrong all me life, eh? Cause no one wants to stick around long enough for me...

I sincerely wish one day that I could become someone who could make someone else happy too. So that I never have to have this feeling again. Because, I feel a bit messed up to be laughing and smiling, while crying so badly at the same time. It's so weird. I always had this complex about being 'second place'. Even now, I still haven't found myself in a position believing that I am... no longer anyone's second place. But one day, I can stop being the second place and be number one to someone right? Yeah, one day. If I live through each day. It'll get somewhere. It will. I know it will.

"You know it's love when all you want is that person to be happy, even if you're not part of their happiness."