When life itself ended when this all began...

"I'm going to smile and make you think I'm happy, I'm going to laugh, so you don't see me cry, I'm going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me - I'm going to smile."

Tuesday, March 3rd
Finally! It's over!!! O-week advertising is over!! MCAC has prevailed with.... DUM DUM DAHHHH!!! 350 members! Last year we only got 180 at O-week (and we thought THAT was a lot). I mean I only estimated 200 for this year. LOL. Okay, so I was off by 150 people. BIG DEAL! Anyway, the committee is now under great pressure to make a great BBQ, scavenger hunt and first screenings. Me: OH FUCK. T.T

I can't really remember what else happened today. O.o I didn't do much advertising. Just hung about and did whatever. I joined the Japanese club!! Haha, Alex convinced me. Now I'm part of so many clubs! Umm... I saw Izzati today ~ she joined ASEAN too... and not much else.

Wednesday, March 4th
I actually can't remember what happened here. Uhh... I woke up... went to Caulfield for 11 AM class. It was a lecture. Not much else. Then I went back... sat at lunch table. Like forever I think. MCAC meeting... on this day. *shrugs* Got home pretty late.

Thursday, March 5th
Uni... Japanese club BBQ and Alex's birthday! Japanese Club is pretty friendly, Scott is on the committee and the prez is nice. Half their club is MCAC, lol. Then we went to Pinewood to firstly eat dinner at a Chinese place, then we went to watch Slumdog Millionaire. That was an awesome movie. Thought provoking. Who was at Alex's dinner and moving outing? Uhh... me, Alex, Amanda, Tom, Sam, Khanat, Chris, Stanny... the usuals. The ATM machine ate my bank card!!! My card expired. And I had no monies. And Amanda had no monies. So Khanat paid for us, lol.

Friday, March 6th
The moral of the past few days? To live every day like your last. Because when good things are happening, enjoy the good things as much as you can. Because they may be gone the day after. The fact that I didn't appreciate things as much as I should have and am a very reflecting person....

Is slowly killing me on the inside.

I thought good times would last forever...

I have to pick myself up. For everyone's sake. It was the most pathetic sight to see today really. To see MCAC's president, freeze at the sight of her club. At the sight of everyone new and unfamiliar. To stare, to have my heart beat so fast, I thought I would die on the spot. It was so loud that I couldn't hear anything else in that huge room full of people. And to run away because I thought no one would follow me.

But. I am happy to see that at least one person came after me. For at least these few people, will I try my best. Because I don't want to be failure of a person to anyone anymore...

If only time had stopped last year when I could laugh as though I meant it...

Afternoon had scav hunt meeting. Invited in Phe-chan, Stan, Oliver and Khanat into the meeting. Got a bunch of ideas written up. I tried my best to hold up and do things even when I don't really want to you know...

Saturday, March 7th
Moo-chan's 21st bday celebration... I knew where we were going but no one else did, lol. It was rather interesting. So in the morning I left with Xin to Clayton station to meetup with Khanat. We were going buy Moo a bday present at Melbourne Central before heading to Southern Cross. We had lunch at that grilled burger place upstairs next to Hoyts, giant burgers FTW! Let's see, K-man bought tea from T2. I got a little cow plushie called Milkshake. Then we went to Southern Cross, saw many familiar faces and met some of Moo's friends. And thus began our interesting treck. First we took a train from Southern Cross down to Eppingdon station. Then we took a bus to some random place. Then we walked on a DIRT ROAD along the roadside to the middle of nowhere. By this time everyone is like.... whuuuuuuut.

But yeah, it was an ice skating rink! But... it wasn't real ice. And I can't skate. It was like synthetic ice, sort of like plastic. Skating on plastic, lol. Apparently it is easier then real ice skating for beginners but the experts can't do much on it since your skates don't slide as nicely. Since I can't skate Stanny, Phe-chan, Jasmine, Ashleigh, and etc. were helping me out a lot. To try and raise me confidence. Did games like hockey, football on skates, dodgeball and the last game of racing by holding onto each other *sobs*. I fell at the last game, before that I didn't really play much. There were around 30 people at the ice skating rink. I knew majority of people, and made some new friends on the day (sort of).

After this was dinnner! We were driven to a train station and trained back to Flinders. Uhh... there I found out that dinner was steamboat at a Chinese place along Lygon street and was a combined party with Denise's 18th bday (FYI for those who dunno, Denise is like... a 2nd year Med student and she just turned 18....). She had a lot of friends. O.o Majority were Med. Our groups were sort of split apart. The steamboat place was awesome. Umm... I sat with Phe-chan, Kriz, Alex, Ashleigh, Matthew, Khanat, Andrew and Annabelle (one of Moo's friends from MDS). There were a lot of people so we were split up. And apparently Moo didn't even eat (and paid for everything O.o his bday must have cost a fortune). Steam boat was rather nice. It's fun to have steam boat with Kriz! Ehehehe. Well since this issss my blog I guess I should be honest, eh? So yeah... I broke down halfway through the steam boat. Kriz and Stanny tried to cheer me up. Am very sorry to Moo. I shouldn't do that, eh? Such a terrible friend really - to cry during his bday celebration...

After the event I didn't want to go home. So me, Khanat, Alex, Kriz and Stanny went to the bar Drue worked at for drinks. But police were around so we coudln't get in without passports. 'cept for Stanny who had actual ID that would work. So yeah, instead we just paid Stanny - who went in to buy drinks and coke/lemonade. Annabelle was with us too, a new friend ~ she's nice (and pretty XD XD). We walked her home first and visited her apartment. Very spacious. XD Then we went to Alex's mum's apartment in St. Kilda. Pretty cool place. It was a nice night. We uhh... played cards. Cheat and Big Two. Then we played um... I forgot what it was called. Where we get Ace, 10, Jack, King and Queen and like... pick a card randomly and the person with Ace says e.g. Truth/Dare "Jack kiss King" or something like that. Then we reveal who is who. It was really funny and no, we didn't do anything too bad. Remind me to never drink sushi soy sauce again though. Yeck. A lot of yaoi action *coughs*. A bit of yuri action?? (note that me and Kriz were the only girls out of us 5). Cause I can't handle alcohol well I sort of got sleepy after 3 or 4 glasses (well that and I was tired anyway cause we woke up so early today). So yeah, me sleep on Kriz' bed. I didn't go home for the night. Shared bed with Kriz. Hahahaha.

Sunday, March 8th
I woke up next to a sleeping Kriz! Uhh... Raine phoned waking me up, lol. She didn't know I was in the city. Today is Naz's leaving party + karaoke session. Unfortunately, it was 10 AM and I was going to get picked up from my house at 11 AM. And I'm in St. Kilda. T.T Uhhh... nooo. So I got up and found Stanny, Khanat and Alex asleep in the living room (whuuut Stanny why aren't you wearing clothes?????). Khanat looked at me the second I stepped in. XD Well since me and Stan weren't gonna make the party, breakfast time! Alex's mum left us eggs, bread, bacon and stuff. So yum yum Alex and Khanat cooked. And we had a lovely breakfast. After some girl talk with Kriz, me, Khanat and Stanny went on the number 3 tram to Caulfield to get back to Clayton. We missed the pot luck party (apparently they had steamboat) NOOO! It was at Vu's place... I MISSED IT. Boo boo I'm the only one who has never been to Vu's house. I always miss everything at his place... I'm sorry Naz... but yeah. Umm.. Bernie picked me up from my house at 2:30 PM I think it was to drive the three of us to glenny (she went there to watch a movie with her friends). Cause yeah... redbox at glenny. I was running late and wore the wrong clothes. My skirt was too short. T.T

Karaoke was... meh. A bit lackluster. A bit of tension in there. For a number of reasons. Yay, karaoke had... Sha, me, Jia Chee, Ly, Bernie-chan, Bernie-kun, Chris, Yvonne, Nat, Ally, Damien, Khanat, Stanny, Vu, Naz, James, Rainy and it goes on and on. Redbox sucks, lol. Crapass songs. There were snacks and food though. I was driven home by Bernie again at night and yeah... the comforts of my dear housemates. There were a few problems at night which I won't say as it isn't my business but I... ran out of my house at night to help a dear friend. Someone else was gonna walk me home at night but along the way met up with Jono and Xin who were coming home from a dinner date. So yeah, all is fine.

All I can say is that... I'm emo. You're emo. My friends are suffering. I've seen too many cry. I hope in the end that everything will end up well for everyone. Life works in the funniest ways I guess. A battle we all gotta fight together. Doesn't help that I still feel lost though.

Monday, March 9th
No class today. I think I went to uni to sit at lunch table and make membership cards. We made all 350 in the afternoon. Drue, me, Rainy, Jess, Amanda and Phe-chan. Rainy/Me cut the printed cards. Drue/Jess folded them. Me/Rainy put them into satchets. And Amanda/Phe-chan pushed them through to the lamination machine. Then we had a committee meeting. It was late by the time we got back. Cause we were brainstorming Scav hunt. Decided to skip out on buying food with the guys for BBQ. Even though it is normally lots of fun. Cause Joanne / Sha made green curry / chapati. Yum.

Tuesday, March 10th
Uhh... I dun think anything in particular happened today. T.T Oh yeah! Now I remember. I was really emo on this day (I'm too lazy to describe my feelings so I'll just say emo). I don't know why, I got really angry. Or maybe more like I felt really left out? Like... I feel like I've lost my place in MCAC ya know. C'mon, I walk up to the lunch table and is ignored. And I can't get a seat. Nor does anyone care whether I am there or not. These are not friends are they? Actually, no. I had a seat but no one would speak to me anyway. The 'friends' that I love so much, and would try so hard to help. Don't tell me that it was so fragile that new people is all it took to have you walk away from me. Am I supposed to be second best again? Is it always gonna be like this? I'm the one people want when no one else better is around?

Nothing is the same anymore. Felt like I'm just slowly losing everything one by one. I'm stuck with unrequited love, my friends are fading away either with their boyfriends/new friends... yeah, time is moving on and I am not moving with it. So yeah, I got up and walked away and was gonna just camp in the library or something (I have 4:00 PM class on Tuesday so I can't get home). But, a ray of light is at the end of the tunnel for the day. Ran into V and Tsan. And I was distressed. V bought me a shake from Coffee HQ and wedges from the Kitchen. And Tsan some choco. So we sat around, chatting and eating. I feel bad I have neglected them. V and Tsan were always great people... saw Han Lin today too at lunch table initially with V and Tsan. LOL, my hair is different!! comment again. XD I love that. I remember Bernie-kun and Ly were like O.O with my hair at karaoke too. Ly said I looked nice though ~

Wednesday, March 11th
MCAC Welcoming BBQ! I went to Caulfield at 9 AM for class. Skipped the lecture at 11 AM to get back to Clayton by around 11:15 AM. When I got there some people were standing around but no committee. Well I knew only Drue would be around for setup. We were one hour behind schedule cause we barely had a BBQ going by 12 PM (which is when the BBQ starts). Didn't have a lighter and Drue was really burdened. We were swamped at the BBQ. I barely spoke to people, and didn't make new friends nor did I socialise. =.= Was stuck at rego. We had 180 attendeees... and I have never saw an MCAC BBQ with like... a HUGE line of people waiting for food. Like the Jap club BBQs, lol. Met a few peeps though. And we tried to get sign ups for the scav hunt.

Rainy and me were at Rego, with help from numerous people (including Henry, Inaz and etc.) Didn't watch what happened at BBQ, but I know Mel, Zac, Xin, Oliver, Drue and a lot of others were there the whole time. Yeah, it wasn't the best event for the organisers cause... we didn't do anything but cook or be at rego. But whatever, glad to see people smile. I tried to make a little welcome speech but it didn't go well cause I suck. LOL. Ah well. I hope people will stay behind with the club. We seem to have more new frequent recruits this time around? Maybe.

And then it was time to pack up. This was when a bit of trouble occured. As Drue had lab until 5 PM. And we had stuff to put into his car. So we waited. Until... well... I had to wait, right? Couldn't just leave the stuff there. While I was talking to Moo about the scav hunt (and my nerves were rather on the edge from the BBQ - yes I am a bad person - probably why I can't make new friends, I'm probably a bitch from hell). I recall yelling at Moo, Xin and Jia Chee today for no reason. Everyone left us behind to Grain Express. Did people expect me to wait one hour for Drue BY MYSELF?

Was really hurt. Was reallly really hurt. The group of people who left, had some of the people I thought were my closest friends in Aus. I won't name anyone but... I was really hurt. Moo said he would stay with me cause I got upset. I went to Monash bookstore at 4:30 PM for a bit cause I needed to buy a book before it closed at 5. Xin phoned during this time and I starting crying (panic attack time) in the bookstore. I don't want to be left behind like this... don't just use me and throw me away at your conveniance. I also cried cause I recall being nasty to Xin before she left but she still phoned me anyway worried for me...

When I got back to Moo to wait I saw Zac, Mel, James, Kai Lun, Khanat and I think Lawrence there. They were a bit confused but I think Xin forced them to go there or something by phoning people up. To wait with me. I tried to say as little words as possible. After a while it was just me, Moo, Khanat and Zac left. Drue and Jess eventually came and went back to lunch table. I wasn't really in the mood so I went to student theatre after this to check out rehearsal. Met some people. Me is now lighting operator for SCUM. ^^ I have a busy two weeks ahead of me...

When I got home... everyone was eating dinner and laughing (or more like finished dinner). My housemates (including the people not from my group of girls). I'll be honest here. I thought they would wait for me (I came home a bit late but not that late... and they knew I would return). So I dunno... I ate dinner (thanks for the dinner guys) and yeah... went upstairs quietly. Not like people have to wait of course. But I would wait an entire night for people if I had to... But yeah, I went up and just cried for most of the night. I'm slowly losing everything am I? I feel so out of place now. Why am I getting left behind? Xin did come up to see me. Rest of the night was me drowing noise in my room with music cause I couldn't bear to hear the laughter downstairs anymore. I dunno... I dub this.. the day when I'm slowly losing my way now.

Thursday, March 12th
Not really the best day. Class at 9 AM... lunch tables. Am I being paranoid? My dear friend is angry at me. I'm not sure why. Or more like maybe I do know why. The paradox I was faced today with? I've known my friend longer but... she chose her boyfriend over me. Not that this is wrong, of course no friend would give up their beloved for me. I'm not worth it anyway. Although I was given up though even if at one time I was someone's beloved. Yeah, I'm not worth anything to anyone, am I?

While discussing scav hunt with Xin and Rainy, a lady came up to us to interview us. She was making a short film about international students. So I was talking my head off in front of a camera and mic. Haha. MCAC lunch table... some people were like... "You're an international student???" Yes I am people. =.=

After this. Japanese Club BBQ again. Uhh... hung with Khanat, Stanny, Vu (hmm how do I differentiate ex-prez Vu and MHS Vu - dun feel like adding such long names to their name). But yeah this was MHS Vu. Met a Jap guy. And stuff. Started crying halfway through the BBQ cause I felt like my dear dear friend has given up on me too. Yeah, everyone I love is gonna throw me away soon... I am starting to slowly feel this now. Probably why I am getting increasingly worse too. I think Xin warned me, I am gonna lose everything if I don't do something.

But how do I bother with people who are gonna pick someone else over me anyway?

Sorry Khanat for pissing you off on this day. I know you just want me to smile. Yeah, I'm no longer capable of smiling right now. And why does anyone want to see my plastic smile anyway? It isn't real...

Left BBQ early, and I didn't want to go to MURP AGM (but congrats Phe-chan for becoming MURP's librarian) - went to MUST for rehearsal. I sat through a full rehearsal of SCUM. Pretty good. I got home... and just went to sleep cause I was tired. I forgot what I did at night. Did I cry again at night? I dunno...

Friday, March 13th
Oh boy... Friday. Gah. Uhh... what did I do? Scav hunt meeting... cancelled plans for the night (was gonn watch movie with Tsan and V... *sniffles) but had so much to do for scav hunt. What a difficult event. Thus why I call it an organisational disaster!!! Team allocation is so difficult. And I had so many complaints and problems. My heart is slowly dying anyway - but just cause I had to - I froze my emotions for the one night.

I went to nap for like 10 minutes cause I was gonna have a panic attack. Then I was like... I don't have time to cry!!! Gahhhh. Yeah, I got up and contiuned with the paperwork. Thanks to everyone for the help. I know Xin, and Sam, and James, and Phe-chan spent FOREVER in the day/night to finish things off.

Saturday, March 14th
MCAC Scavenger Hunt. Oh gawd. LOL. I woke up, and was in a rush to print things out / pack. Xin made me breakky and me, Xin, JC and Joanne ran out of the house to bus loop. Met up with Phe-chan and Kylin and co. at bus stop. Got on bus... had like a million text messages along the way. Stan and Alfred got on the bus halfway through, lol. Got off at Huntingdale and trained our way down. Got to Flinders Street, and got churros! Yum! And waited at Fed Square. More and more people came. Hehehe. And then it started raining. HEAVILY. Me: OH GAWD. T.T

We ran into the visitor centre. Wet. And probably pissed the peeps off. I was shaking during this time, cause I was feeling like things weren't gonna go well. Breaking down under the pressure? I found out TWO team leaders were not coming today, and for some reason Drue had not come either. O.o And well I was breaking down in general anyway. But whatever, the freezing emotions continued and I tried my utmost best to stay positive. Allocating teams was messy, after a while people starting staying in their groups so that was a relief. So it was a matter of just sending people off everywhere. In the end, managed to get every team to have around 10 people! Awesome-ness! I was worried for my team at first but... turns out I was in the most awesome team ever. While I was busy deal with logistics, my name came up with the team name "Team 1 - Gay Giraffe Ninjas". And had some pose where the guys are gay giraffes and the girls are ninjas?? Group photos were taken, we did that go team thing with the circle of hands and off we went when Drue announced for everyone to go!

My team went towards our first clue. Treasury Park! Okay, cool. We took a couple of happy snaps and then trammed over to treasury park. Next to Flagstaff station. Sadly no train to Flagstaff on a Saturday. It was raining and we were soaked to the bone. We saw our game master, Sam there! With an umbrella, the poor guy. Team activity games! Uhh... to sit on each other's laps and... do that circle connecting hands thing. We skipped one activity cause it wasn't possible to do that... in the rain at least. Next clue! Myers! My team got it straight away (guess they are good at solving clues). So we ran back to Melbourne Central. When we got to Myers Amanda told us that another team was still doing their task (that would be Phe's team). So we went to EB and Minotaur for happy snaps. And got free nasty vitamin water. We were all so soaked in our vitamin water picture.

At Myers... we got kicked out cause Stan broke a $50 lipstick on Mel. LOL. The guy got really mad. Ouch. So for makeup we just used Kim's eye liner. Umm... for cross dressing guys... we went to Supre~

After that... Botanical Gardens. Gahhh, it was far! VERY FAR! Painful to walk. In the end I phoned jono cause we coudln't be bothered figuring out where he was. And learned HHY. Then it was lunch... umm... we went to Melbourne Central cause a.) I wanted ichipan and b.) Phe said he and his team would be there, lol. We went back... confusion at Fed Square! My team was leading at this time... over Chris/Alex's. I heard someone say.. "Oh... no wonder they're winning - their all insane." Haha, our team is pretty weird (but awesome). But yeah, confusion... uhh... in the end Drue sorted it out. And he sent us towards Moo. To find Wally! So off we went!! Rules were that we could split into two groups, but must be even and team leaders can't be alone. So yeah... my group went to look around Southern Cross and Stan's team went to look around DFO. In the end, we swapped places but Stan's team managed to find Moo reading on a random platform. My team missed that spot, lol. His activity? POKEMON. Acting like them. It was hilarious actually. I had to act like... Snorlax? lol.

Next activity, find Ashleigh in BORDERS! We did that activity I organised. Last book was hardest to find... cause it was a random title I picked out. The borders ppl figured out in the end we were having a scav, lol. After that... GAHH BOTANICAL GARDENS AGAIN. T.T For MSY! We took a detour to RMIT to get happy snaps. We did a human pyramid in a storm (pwnage!!), we took a pic in some random office in RMIT (and didn't get kicked out, lololol) and thennn we finally went towards Botanical Gardens again. Uhh... we learned MSY in like 5 minutes, lol. Before that, another team was there so we like... went to a nearby tree in BG and hung upside from the tree to get our hanging upside down happy snap. Major pwngage x2. We did attempt an upside down pic at a memorial but Jeremy screwed up cause he can't use cameras, lol.

When we went into the hut where Jono was... Drue and Jess was there. And then Rowan was like "God...". It was a side game in the scav, "find God" basically. We had clues like the fact that God floats, he has red on him and etc. And Drue has a really obvious red tie so... lol. More points for us! End of game and we all headed back to Fed Square. We waited around, got the results. My team was 3rd (BOOO~) Tom's team won. Uhh... then group photo (why does everoyne know the Celine 'pose??') then then then dinner at some Chinese place. Our group had around 30 people at this time. Expensive place but still cool. Ate with a bunch of peeps including Kim, Chris, Drue, Jess, Jeremy, Sam, Tom, Rowan and co.

After that... Amanda and Jono were eating dinner elsewhere. So me, Jia Chee, Joanne, Moo-chan and Jason waited at Max Brennor for her to come back to accompany her home. LOL. Funny thing really... then like... we got on the 'Cranbourne' train. And was in Prahran station.

Amanda: Huh... Prahran? There was a Prahran on this line?
Celine: I dunno....
Moo-chan: GET OFF THE TRAIN!!

*a bunch of ppl run off*

LOL, we were on another trainline. Someone obviously screwed up in Connex. Anyway, we had to wait an extra half hour for a train to South Yarra to get the right train. Tiring day. Blacked out at night.

One thing for certain though. I had A LOT OF FUN ON THIS DAY. A lot of fun. Being happy felt good. I spaced out once in a while, which Stanny knew about but... I was happy. This I can admit.

Sunday, March 15th
Entire day spend at student theatre. I had to get there by 9 AM. Exhaustion. What did I do for the whole day? It was tech day... meaning the day where they play with lights and set lighting ques. Lights are semi-automatic, we mess around to set lights then record them as a lighting que. It took hours beyond hours. Rather interesting actually, a lot of thought goes behind a single lighting effect. We had umm... Pizza for lunch at around 3 PM, and some yummy peanut chocolate chip cookies. I was hoping to get home for steak with the housemates but... we went overtime due to my cough-ups and inexperience that instead of leaving by 7 PM I left at like... 10 PM. LOL. So no dinner for me.

When I came back everyone was playing cards. Umm... I was sort of upset for various reasons. Well, I don't need to explain really. I don't see why I have to explain to people "what is wrong with me". I was NEVER right to begin with. I just smile and laugh most of the days because that's what is expected of me. I can't bring everyone down. But I've felt dead for too long already. But yeah, I came home... ran upstairs straight away and started crying and all that. The only thing I remember mumbling to Yi Xin during that time (as the sole person who would come to help me after all this time) was "Why is everything like this...?". I recall repeating it at least a dozen times.

Oh yeah, I remember saying to her too. "I feel like I'm going crazy." That's cause I was like mumbling the same line continuously. She made me soup and gave me some chocolate buns in the end for some dinner since I had nothing. Soup was really good.

Monday, March 16th
Forgot what happened here. Uhh... I spent the whole day at home. Just chilling around. Ate lunch with Jia Chee / Sha (sort of). Then went to uni for dress rehearsal for SCUM. Then got home. Yeah, that's about it.

Tuesday, March 17th
Hmm. I woke up. Went to uni eventually in the afternoon for class. Hung about lunch tables for two hours. Today was a bit more pleasant I guess. Had class until 5:30 then 6:00 PM call at MUST for SCUM's last rehearsal. Yay, some MCAC peeps waited until 6:00 PM for me to go so that I didn't have to sit around alone.

Dress rehearsal... lol. Uhh... I dunno, I messed up some of the lighting for some reason (although it didn't happen yesterday). It was rather confusing to have the director, lighting director and stage manager all ask you to do this and this. In the end the final command was listen to the director (which I will always keep in mind). Gotta make sure I don't screw up for the real thing. I got home a bit stressed, but yeah... had to sleep early since tomorrow is my 9 AM Caulfield class... oh joy. T.T

Wednesday, March 18th
Ugh, early class. We watched some French film about making films. It was sort of dull, one chick in the lecture hall like fell asleep so obviously and was snoring so loudly we could hear her during the quiet parts of the movie, lol. Lecture was boring as usual. Then I hobbled off back to Clayton for first screenings! That went pretty well!! Around 60 or so people. Not enough chairs. And people generally looked like they were having fun. All's well that end's well, eh?

3:40 PM was my appointment with the physio. He told me to... put my leg into ice every night. Eat pills. Tape my leg into Saturday. Do some funny excercise. He like... ultra sound my leg or something (OW T.T). Anyway, will be seeing him for the 3 weeks or so to hopefully help me out. According to his explanation, my leg is like knitwear. When I first sprained it, body will heal it and heal it good (or knit it well). But once you do it so many times it gets lazy and the strands holding you together (like knit wear) just gets farther apart. And the job is crappily done.

At night... went to Chaddy for VIP night. Was supposed to be with housemates but they left without me. So I bus-ed back to uni to look for Raine and the others. And basically spent VIP night wandering around with Raine, Seb and Kim. I bought... medicine for my leg. And a bath robe (it was like cheaper for 2 - so me and Raine bought one). Uhh... yeah. Our group consisted of Rainy, myself, Seb, Kim, Sam, Tom, K-man, James and Lawrence. Jia Chee, Joanne and Mei Xian were apparently elsewhere. Bernie was there too apparently. We bothered Zac at work, hahaha. Then at 9 PM we waited until Zac finished up (and just went home after that though).

Thursday, March 19th
Can't... remember what I did today. Uhh.. let's see, I have 9 AM class. Then lunch tables. Then I went home, then I came back to uni cause 6 PM the first show of SCUM! It went fairly well, maybe a few hitches here and there. All in all, good enough I would say. ^^

Friday, March 20th Hmm. Got up, went to Caulfield for class. Went back to Clayton. Just had a good time hanging around with MCAC peeps. Went home. Amanda, Khanat, Akmal and Stanny were coming to the SCUM show tonight! So yay to that!! So I tried my best at tonight's show, and it was the best one so far. I only counted two major mistakes. Hehe. After the show, walked back with them (they walked us girls home) and I think K-man and Stanny were gonna drink the leftover spirits that we bought and drank at Alex's house at Stan's place tonight. I was thinking whether to go but... nahhhh.

At home... my housemates were drinking 'goon' and playing cards. So we taught them how to play Big2 cause they dunno how, and I found out what 'goon' is thanks to Cas (my new housemate). It's really cheap wine (which I think kinda sux lol). They tried to teach me how to play 500 but I fell asleep in the process. I could hear them all chatting until 4 AM in the morning. T.T

Saturday, March 21st
A quiet day at home! I got up, was on ebay the whole time. I cleaned up my room slightly, at least I FINALLY unpacked my luggage. Everything, that is. My room is still messy though. YES, I never did unpack. I couldn't. I had fear of normalising my room but... it's too much of an inconveniance now. So, I gotta try my best to withstand things. Then I went to Clayton for lunch with Jia Chee and Amanda. Lunnnch. Yummy, lunch. I've fallen sick by this time but the lunch helped. And I spent loads at Clayton today after not shopping for over two weeks. Uhh... got home. Sat around and rested and off to the theatre. I was sort of sad that I got left behind when everyone went to Kokoblack. Boo boo. Missing out.... for the second time. It was really hot today... the weather was crap. Made a lot of mistakes at the theatre. Even the actors did. I think we were all just hot or tired.

Sunday, March 22nd
A real day at home! Sort of refreshing. I woke up... sat around. Ebay-ed for hours. Yeah, I'm an Ebay addict now. And then I had lunch at 1. And then I baked peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. Haha. Cause I wanted cookies. And then umm... sat around more. Cooked dinner... and had a dinner with everyone. And Jia Chee made red bean soup for dessert (the sweet stuff). Yeah, an actual day at home. Relaxing.

At night... I was sort of raging? Yeah, raging... okay, so I haven't been that angry for such a long time. I dunno, it was sort of good I guess. To release anger. Cause it's been building up. Now I've sort of snapped in a sense. Like I laugh like an idiot for the most mundane matters. I supposed it's better then being emo. The anger wasn't the best thing though. I mean... my arm really hurted (I was punching the wall and well... too hard, lol, bones can't take it).

What was I angry for? I dunno now if I think about it. I guess I was angry that I could let anyone affect myself this much. For this many weeks. It's a bit unlike me. Cause I'm someone who was raised to be in control in a sense, you know. I am timid and passive in nature, but... not in this way either.

Whatever.

Monday, March 23rd
Uhh... woke up. Wrote club email. Read my book. Went to uni for dance practice. I was basically on a high, lol. A peaceful little day I suppose. And I got to eat dinner at home. The last time for a week. Before I head off to MUST. Oh good joy!

I was on a high. On this day. Pretty happy. And all that. Maybe a part of me knew I was trying a bit too hard. But whatever, at least I'm trying, eh? If I don't try the only thing I have left is despair. Heh.

Tuesday, March 24th
Uhh... went to uni. Lunch table. Class again. And yay, MUST again! I don't really remember what else to be honest.

Wednesday, March 25th
Hmm. 9 AM Caulfield class. PAINFUL. T.T Tired. *sobs* Screenings was... screenings, lol. Then just hung about until... MUST! Again. Yay for SCUM~

Thursday, March 26th
Uhh... class. Me going FUCK I have an assignment due tomorrow! Gahhh! Class. Class. Me not doing hte assignment at lunch but hanging around with MCAC. Was showing old photos and stuff. And old dantai videos. Isn't really the best idea for me to look at old photos. Especially ones from last year, but *shrugs* Memories are memories. Even if good memories don't ever come back. Guess I can't avoid it.

Yay, then MUST again! I ran home after this to work on my assignment.

Friday, March 27th
Hooray for no sleep! I finished my assignment. I was in Caulfield library at like... 9 AM. LOL! 9 AM!!! *hits head* I didn't even have class until 11. WTF. But yeah... after that... went back to Clayton. Meeting with committee at 2 PM. One thing I'll miss about my committee? The meetings! Why? Cause we gossip~ and yeah, it's just good fun. I guess being in a committee brings people together. Only good friends with James and Sam cause of the committee thing (no comments on Xin and Drue since we were friends before that hahahaha).

I wanted to go home after the meeting. Cause we normally do. Then I was like.. FUCK. MUST. Gahhh! But yeah, ate dinner. And I played Stepmania with the keyboard!! LOL. Did pretty good for my first and second ever try. Kicked Jimmy's ass!! But to be fair... I am a.) o2jam player (if i can play 7 keys I can play 4 arrows, lol) and b.) DDR player... so I can read the arrows fast enough although I still die cause I can't move my fingers fast enough. Sometimes if there is too many then yeah I get confused...).

Rachel let me copy her stuff to my comp. Then I went to MUST. And yeah... another show.

Saturday, March 28th
Ugh. I thought today would be a shit day. Xin and them were all heading to Springvale for good fooods. LOL. I had crappy instant noodle. T.T In the morning, I went to the post office to get my netbook! Cause it was there but I had no card thingy. I was lucky the guy gave me the box as I had no identification either (he was like "this is the only post office that would do this for you..."). Yay for that guy!!! Anyway contiuing with the crap day... yeah... there was light as Lesley decided to come for my 2 PM show! Yay~ we chatted a bit here and there at the beginning of the show and the interval. Have not seen her since O-week. After the show, Khanat came by from swimming. And so did Kriz / Alex. We went to maccas cause I needed dinner (I didn't realise the campus centre closes so early) and I had some food. At maccas... ran into Stanny and Ginnie. Uhh.. then me and Les walked back to uni.

I was sort of down for most of the day though. And like.. for the shows. So down I didn't know what I was doing. After the last show (FINALLY!!!!) it was... omg.. the time to take EVERYTHING DOWN. It would have taken like... 4 hours (remember that would be like.. 3 AM finish). Me: I wanna go to Supanova though. At 9:30 AM Flinders. T.T FUCK. I went home by 12 AM, lol. It was a scary walk... by myself at that time of the night. They gave me a cute lil' gift before I left and everyone was all like... Yay ~ Celine is awesome. XD Seee ya~

Hmm. I wonder if I should write this. Might as well. Okay, after the last show. And what I was thinking during the show. I'll only say this one. There is one thing I hate the most when it comes to being depressed, reading people's emo messages. And blogs. I hate it when they say that life isn't worth living. That their life sucks. That they wanna die. You'll notice that I never say it. I don't care, no matter how bad things get - my life is awesome. It's good. It's full of blessings and it's wonderful.

So I'll only say this once. And I admitted to Amanda, yeah, this is the first and only time. I made a promise to her.

I was losing the will to live this night. I'll see what happens the next coming week. I may seek some professional help. I want to love life. Not curse it. I know I said I hate waking up everyday. But I still wanted to wake up. I don't know why but now I... really don't want to anymore. It's tiring. I'm tired. I don't want to... try anymore. If I can't make time stop then my time can stop at least right? Am just really tired... I know everyone is like asking me why I'm being so weak? I know I'm weak. What else am I supposed to do? I dunno. I am stuck in a hole. I can't get out. Everyone has tried for weeks to try and get me out. But I can't reach their hands, they are too far away. They have tried so much they are all getting tired too. And some people are finally walking away from me - leaving me in this hole. The person who is closest to getting me out is the one who pushed me in to begin with. But because that person is the one who pushed me in, that person is the least likely to want to help me out.

So I'm stuck. And I'm tired of being stuck. I can just starve and die in this hole, can't I?

Sunday, March 29th
I set my alarm for 6 AM. I was too like... get to bus loop at 8:30 AM to meet up with Jillian for Supanova. *Celine wakes up and picks up alarm* "Hmm.... 7:40 AM... still ea..r..ly... OMFGWTFBBQ@@%#%$##!!!!" Gahhhhhh!!! *runs around like a headless chicken* I took a shower, brush teeth, get dressed, packed bags and etc. in like 20 minutes, hahaha. Then I ran to the bus loop. And Jillian didn't come *sobs*.

So I went on the bus on my own. 2 minutes later James and Raine get onto the bus from the stop near Rainy's house! Oh joy! People to talk to. Raine was going to Frankston, but she rode the train with us all the way to Flinders. Uhh... we arrived at Flinders. I didn't know who I was supposed to be meeting. More people came to Supanova then I expected. I saw Drue. He was drunk. LOL. Let's see, who was there... me, Sam, James, Drue, Jeremy, Tree Tom, Kenny, Khanat and a new member, Emma! From Brunei!! LOL, it was quite funny. She asked me where I was from I'm like.. "Brunei" she's like "Are you serious?? Me too!" Me: O.o ... lol. XD

Uhh... on the tram to Melbourne Showgrounds. Something like this occurred...

Drue: Jimmy, gimme your seat.
James: Why should I give you my seat?
Drue: Because I'm a full paying ticket holder and you're concession!
[Note: Cause Drue had no concession card on him he had to pay full fare for PT]
Everyone: Huh?
Drue: No! Seriously! It's the law, concession card holder MUST give up their seats to full payers.
Everyone: ....................
*watches as Drue points at every person one by one - he actually thought I was a concession card holder*
Celine: I'm International!! How the heck can I be a concession card holder?
Drue: Okay, then it's fine for you to sit down.

lol. Funny stuff. At actual Supanova. Uhh.. hours of wandering around buying stuff. Or me watching the guys. Cause I don't buy stuff and I can't really spend the money to. All I know is that James spent a load. So did Jeremy. Tree Tom spent like... $130 on manga. Sam.. omg.. I think Sam had like $5 but then he went to an ATM, got loads of cash and spent it all trying to get Hecate from Shana gashapons. T.T It was so sad watching him look disappointed cause he didn't get what he wanted in the end (after spending over $50 on small pieces of plastic...).

Lunch we trammed to the fish and chips place from last year! Hooray for $4.80 fish and chips. LOL. At Melbourne Showgrounds... a bowl of chips was like $5. Such a huge difference, lol. Uhh... by 2:30 we were all bored. There was like... karaoke but me, K-man and Tree Tom walked in on some... Ouran dubbing sessoin and lost an IQ per second of being in that room. *shudders* We all left and went to Minotaur instead. After Minotaur I went home. First time for a LONG LONG LONG time I was on a train by myself. O.o

Got off at Clayton. Bought a couple of groceries. Went home... and napped. And was online. And stuffs. Dinner was peaceful. After dinner I.... started laughing a lot. Uncontrollably. I was shaking and just kept laughing with my hot chocolate. I think my housemates thought I was on a sugar high. Maybe I was? I dunno. One thing I could tell though. When I was 'laughing'. I could't tell if I was laughing or just crying without tears. It was weird. I never did cry in the end though. I guess this is a good thing?

Monday, 30th March
Ugh. Today. Umm... what happened. I woke up, just sat about. Went to uni for dance practice. Went to lunch tables. Was trying to kick James ass in Stepmania and failing miserably. Went home early and continued being emo at home by myself.

Haha, yeah I hate myself for being weak. It's so pathetic. I have enough people telling me how pathetic I am already. Hmm. People are waiting for me to come back to reality. Not be the Celine with a.) A ROOM SHE NEVER UNPACKED... after SIX FUCKING WEEKS. b.) A Celine who NEVER DOES ANY SCHOOL WORK. And is gonna fail her course soon. c.) A Celine WHO IS JUST PRETENDING TO BE HAPPY? Or am I? I dunno, I seriously don't know. d.) A Celine who is LOSING THE WILL TO LIVE. Not really. I am not gonna suicide. But I am JUST SOO SOOO SOOOOO TIRED. I want this all to stop right now. If feelings were something I could hold, I would grab onto it, break it, throw it, step on it, burn it, blow it up with dynamite, and nuke the whole area with my feelings there. Seriously, I just don't want to feel sad anymore. Or anything. I hate this. I fucking hate this so much. I wanna be happy more then anyone.

And I am running away from reality. I know that. Someone told me to grow up. I am acting like a kid. I know that. I'm not facing reality right now. I know that. I am being an idiot. I FUCKING KNOW THAT. I'm stuck in a hole that I can't get out. Is someone gonna jump in to get me out I wonder? Or should I be as others have said. "Am waiting for the couragous Celine we knew who can climb out herself..." Is Celine brave? Am I gonna get myself out? I'm scared really. What am I supposed to do right now? I really don't know...

And the message of the past few weeks...

There is only one thing I can say now. I am gonna hide my feelings from now on. What will happen? The Celine everyone will meet is a happy Celine. I will stop the emo Facebook status and MSN personal messages. I'll be the happy person everyone wants me to be. If I lie to myself enough it'll be the truth one day. One day... ya? I'll only be honest on my blog here. To the people who bother to want to know what my actual feelings are. I need to get it out in this one place, just so that I don't lose my mind any further.

Happiness is just a feeling anyway. If you work towards making feelings for yourself, it'll be a reality one day. Even if nothing changes, I'm sure I can feel happy again.

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be." - Marcel Pagnol