The return to Melbourne...

Okay. Post is split into my past week. Since I wrote the first day on the first night but I didn't post it, lol.

Monday, 23rd of Feb
... this is rather ridiculous. I just realised that I've been in Melbourne... for like, what? 14 hours? I've felt like I've been here for weeks. What happened, uhh... last night I got on the plane to Melbourne. Sat next to Damian and a Chinese speaking lady (who spoke no English it seemed). The airplane food sucked. I just wanted to sleep as much as I can but it was so uncomfortable and stuffy as usual, and in the first two hours Damian was doing everything he could to keep me awake. I think it must have looked pretty comic to the Chinese lady to have these two weirdos literally smacking each other around with pillows and blankets on an airplane. I think I slept for like maybe one hour on the plane, basically falling asleep and waking up 5 minutes later several hundred times.

Let's see, we arrived at 7 AM. Immigration wasn't too long but Damian was following Asian looking people in the line for Aussies/New Zealanders so I was like.. uhh okay.. I'll just do the same. Cause of that we cleared immigration in record time. Baggage collection took a bit longer, customs was nothing - we were out by 8:15 AM. James, Sam and Khanat came to pick me up!! They got in around 9 AM due to traiffc, it was funny.. they both basically walked right past me and I was like yelling... "Behind you guys! Sam!!" but voice was sort of weak and it didn't get very far. In the end Khanat phoned me and they found meh. Ride back was rather funny. I think Jimmy was really tired, took the wrong exit once... did things like change lanes without even looking at whether there were cars like... coming and etc. We got to my house, it was sort of weird. I was a bit panicky. Too many memories in that house. Mostly good ones but... things have changed now in 2009. And these changes made me more upset then anything.

I hobbled upstairs and I saw Sha sitting on the coffee table. And... 'lo and behold, it's Raine on the couch! Yeah... so much for being in Malaysia Raine... lol. I'm sorry if I figured it out already, although it would have been a nice surprise. So yeah, Sam, Khanat, me, Sha, Raine and James sat around then Tom came and joined us! I didn't unpack but I did open my bags, we sat around a bit, talked and chatted for hours. Khanat, Sam and James went to Pocky for O-week tomorrow and uhh... Amanda came back! And Jono came. And new housemates, Amanda's friends Joanne and Mei Xin! When it was lunch time, apparently they made bookings at a Korean bbq place in Clayton so... James drove us all to Clayton (in two trips). Yay, nice lunch. Uhh... everyone treated me O.o... I didnt't pay for the lunch... thanks guys. *__*

After lunch, a bit of grocery shopping with Sam, Khanat, Tom, Xin, me, Joanne and Mei Xin. I jsut bought cereal and milk. Then we took the bus home and continued to sit around. The few of us. Umm... I was sort of reluctant to go to my room (as the room has too many memories in it for me - it's too unsettling ... because the memories were good ones and it's slowly hitting on me that those memories may never happen again..) so I continued to sit outside a bit restless. Towards the evening Zac came over and we chatted a bit. Sha and Xin provided dinner but it was a bit of a disaster as we were behind schedule and like... MCAC committee meeting! The guys came over early. So we ate in a rush. Kriz, Alex and a new friend - Alfred popped over to say hi. And suddenly my house had too many people, lol. We shooed some people out - and yeah... after dinner had my committee meeting (the first of the year) with good ol' James, Sam, Drue and Xin Xin. With an exception of Drue, we were all stoned and extremely tired so like... we sort of cancelled the meeting halfway through and skipped half of the agenda items so we could go to sleep.

After the meeting I was like... gahhh... I took a shower, sat around the computer a bit, made up my bed and passed out. I didn't sleep in the afternoon after coming home (I refused - because my sleep is disturbing, my dreams haunt me and I can't settle in my room) but yeah... I was so tired I just passed out for 9 hours.

Tuesday, 24th of Feb
I got up at around 9 AM. Had to get to uni for O-week at 11 AM. Uhh.. tried on my goth loli dress. Haha. Rather interesting really. Me and Xin... walking to uni... in those... outfits. OMG! Gahhhh! The cars and stuff were like.... beeping at us, lol. =.= Damian came over around the same time I left to get his stuff from my room. Uhh... at uni, me and Xin first popped into C&S to first to get membership forms. But yeah, no one was around. Went to cellar room, James was there to give me our club permit. At our stall - everyone was pretty much there already It seems I came a bit too late, haha. But yeah, it's times like these that I smile at the greatness of MCAC. We had so many members coming to like... help us out. The gazebo was put up, posters and wall hangings were hung up, everything was put out nicely.

A few jinks here and there. I needed our club locker. It was thrown away or something? O.O I'm like... uhhh... okay. I am gonna search for our club stuff from those lockers they decided to throw out (Me: WTF)?

I spent most of the day standing around talking to a lot of people - getting them to join MCAC. We got around 130+ members on this day. Pretty good for the first day. Cheers to Ashleigh, Ranna and everyone else for their hard work. Ranna was wearing a maid uniform! I'm so sad I took no photos. Yi Xin for writing up so many receipts until her arm was in pain. Some people told me I was really out of it during this day. I'll admit I was. I sometimes stopped talking halfway through my 'sales pitch' to people, a bit confused what I was doing or why I was here. In honesty, I sort of realised I failed as the club's president. Letting my emotions get to my responsibility. I should be strong, and should be helping the club in this most important time.

But no, instead I'm a nervous wreck who seems to breakdown every 3 hours. Refusing to eat or drink despite the fact that Tom bought me lunch, Drue bought me potato chips, Amanda buying me drinks. Tom patting me on the head. Drue giving me hugs. Zac being all worried. Etc. Etc.

Let's see... what happened after the event. Got home in the evening. I was really shaky. I took a nap then had another breakdown unfortunately. Sha calmed me down - to some extent, although I was sort of like a scale going back and forth between being okay and being not okay. My mind is screaming to me that there are things I just can't accept. That I want to smash my head against a wall for some things I've said, mistakes I've made, mistakes that ruined everything.

I didn't expect my return to Melbourne to be like this. This wasn't what I planned. What I envisioned. Why was leaving Melbourne and returning just so different? Why did so much change in three months overseas? I expected to be happily laughing. I AM happily laughing. I'm overjoyed to see everyone again. I'm really happy! But... something is missing so badly that I feel really empty at times. Heart is burning. One thing is for certain. I've ruined my O-week and I am not prepared to return to uni. I can't even imagine right now writing my assignments with my heart like this. I feel so unsettled - refusing to sleep and stay in my room that I've no idea how I will finish my work. I may have to start camping in the library or something.

Sha made me soup and wedges. Since I still didn't really eat anything. And well... it's been so many days I've gone with minimal food that I don't wanna pass out actually. It was really good, hehe. After that, we giggled and talked about a bunch of things, and I even got to talk to one of my new housemates about a bunch of things (I just call her Trine as I am unable to pronounce her actual name properly - she's from Denmark). Uhh... Xin, yeah... I went to sleep pretty early. Since I was tired.

Wednesday, 25th of Feb
Day two of O-Week! I decided to just wear a black and red summer dress, lol. Bad timing, weather was cold today. Yet I still wore it. I decided to take a break from talking and just spent most of the day writing receipts. We got around 100 members today. MCAC had around 230+. Went over my target - ran out of bookmarks (I should of bought 300) and yeah. Our main heroes today was Phe, Ashleigh, Xin and K-man! For their l337 advertising skills.

I got to take a break today and walk around O-Week carnival. Lots of freebies. Raine took me around everywhere in attempts to help me. I wanted to join some new clubs and stuff, to meet new people and get involved with new things. To keep myself busy and to feel like I'm making something out of my time here. To fill the void in my heart right now (although it isn't working but... well you know, I know at least I am trying right now - at least I am trying...). It was rather funny. As a lot of things are free. Me and Raine now have our names under the Oaktree Foundation (for the free smiggle pencil case), MUST (the student theatre), Woman's Lounge, The Chocolate Club, ASEAN and MCAC of course. Oh, and additionally Raine is also with Wholefoods but I opted not to do that as I think they'll kill a meat eater like me, lol. Zac is with ASEAN also, so yay, we like... found ourselves reasons to attempt to go to their events? Maybe. LOL. Yay for joining due to peer pressure! Yeah... the stuff I did was mostly following Raine. I am not brave enough to wander out of certain comfort zones just yet. Decided not to return to Wu Shu due to a promise with someone and the state of my ankle. Apparently I am being FORCED to go swimming with James and Whitney? Khanat and Zac should be with us too so I guess I have my weekly swimming group or something.

After O-week, decided to check out Stan, Raine, Kriz/Alex's new place! We walked over... our group consisted of uhh... Stan, me, Raine, Jason, Xin, Khanat, James, and Jono. First time since I've been back that I've managed to spend time with Stan and have a good talk. They started playing with Alex's new version of Munchkin? But the game is too 'manly' for me so I gave up on it when Raine 'tried' to teach me how to play. I decided to do a womanly thing like... bake cookie with Rainy, lol. Packet kind. Then just sat around on Stan's bed with Xin and we talked. Met Kriz' housemate Alfred again and a few others I can't really remember.

Uhh... we decided to go home cause Sha was making me dinner and apparently Damian was coming over to get his stuff or something from Xin's room. Long walk. So tiring. Sha and her friend Valerie made pasta and vegetables (I keep living off Sha.. *sobs*). Jia Chee came back today!! Kyaaa~ let's see... after dinner I mostly spent my time sitting around talking to Jia Chee for most of the night. She listened to me I guess, and I think it was the first time... I received something I really wanted to hear. Maybe sometihng everyone has been saying to me but you know... Jia Chee tends to be blunt. I would call it... a lesson to be learnt.

"Celine. Be happy. Good things will happen to you because you are happy."

Words to settle my feelings perhaps? Thanks JC... I'm slowly starting to get towards a decision that I need. Right now, I am still clinging onto hope that may never lead to anything. Hope that should already be lost. But I refuse to allow anyone's words to affect my decisions, or my hope. I don't care. No matter how painful it will be to me in the present, or future, for now - I still wanna cling onto something. Onto hope that I have. Because my feelings were not so weak that I would let go of hope so easily. Within such a short time. Cause if I don't cling onto something - I can't see how I can look at another day coming. As right now, I hate falling asleep every night - and I hate waking up to face a new day even more. On a lighter note, I fall asleep easily because I pass out these days (yay for fatigue!). But yeah... I'll try my best to keep this in mind. If I stay happy, will my hope one day be realised? And then I can truly laugh with all my heart when I no longer feel this void...

Thursday, 26th of Feb
Day three of O-week! Okay, by this day. I am tired. You're tired. We're all tired. LOL. I got up an hour earlier as I had to go to Caulfield to meet up with Iyan to get magazines from one of our club sponsors, Animavericks. I caught the bus, waited for Iyan to run down from one of the Caulfield buildings and yeah, ended up catching the same bus again. Yes! Didn't miss it! Got to uni, James was in C&S. Told him about our Animavericks deal. Then went down to the stall. No one but Jason there. Boo boo. We had less helpers today. But no fears, at least Jason, Xin, Drue, Phe-chan and the others were still around to help. So we got things going! It was a hot day today, and I was wearing my goth loli dress. Gahhhh! BURNING. I wore a coat over the dress - even more burning. *dies*

I spent the day... writing receipts or just standing around. It was hot and I didn't feel like doing much. I ate random food people passed to me. At 12:30, Raine forced me out of the stall, then me, Xin, Raine, Stan, Jia Chee and Lavinia went to watch the O-week show presented by MUST. Harri Potter or something like that. It was hilarious!! A lot of inside joke regarding Monash so I dunno how first years will find it funny? I only found it funny cause yeah... I know that Monash and Melb U don't like each other. Or that Menzies is built by Melb U engineers, that it sways in the wind and has this incredible wind tunnel. And etc. I enjoyed it a lot.

Uhh... rest of the day went by without much. Ranna and Khanat did a lot of advertising in the burning sun today. And Moo-chan. We got around 60 members today! 295 total! Woah. I couldn't believe we are almost at 300. Just add on a few of our missing returning members and we're set! We ran out of Pocky and everything, lol. My committee always seems to underestimate everything.

Evening... went home and just sat in front of the air con in my house. Then changed and went to Clayton with Xin and Jia Chee. With ate dinner at Nandos, with Khanat too. Nandos was all smokey... I think the exhaust fan was broken. My food was crap. Khanat ate the vegetables in my burger. O.O lol... Then yeah... went to Coles to buy food to cook tomorrow's housewarming party. Met up with Stan, Lavinia, Katie and Lance at Coles. They were buying stuff for the party tomorrow too. Hehe. Well it is at their house of course! We said our goodbyes and hobbled home.

Evening was spent blogging more. Took a shower then... MIDNIGHT RUN TO MACCAS! Mwahahahaha!!! Hahahaha, Stan came over to walk me and Xin over as we made our way to Maccas at midnight. Yes, we are retarded. But who cares, it's tradition anyway. I miss the old days... sitting around Maccas 2 AM in the morning - half dead and asleep - in the middle of the exams, eating 50 cent ice cream, talking about crap, writing up lists of who is more marriage material or who you would have a one night stand... with Drue, Chris, Vu, Raine, Bernie and the old gang... I miss the old group. Must bug Bernie to have another drunken sleepover party at her place or something. :P

Bernie messaged me on MSN asking me whether I wanted a ride in her new car. LOL, so she drove me, and Xin and Stan back to the Maccas. When we got there, Khanat, Naz and Akmal were standing around outside. Nice pickup line, Naz. Sadly it doesn't work... "Celine... you're looking beautiful today" ... Me: ".... T.T". Let's see, our first Maccas group involved 17 people, most of whom I don't really know. Stan's new housemates. Okay I know them now of course, so yay ~ new friends. :D We played the mafia game in maccas. It was a lot of fun!!!! I haven't laughed that much for a... very very very very long time. Even if it was just a moment's respite, I was happy to see that I could laugh like that... without reserve. Even for just a moment.

Mafia is like where we uh... get these cards. To say whether we are normal villagers, a wolf, the seer or the sorcerer. Wolf kills people, villagers are useless, seers can try to see whether someone is a wolf or not and sorcerer protects people. Aim of game is for villagers to kill identify and kill the wolves and the wolves to try to kill everyone without bein identified. It's a game involving acting and attempting to decept your peers. LOL. I was a sorcerer once, but I got hanged cause they all thought I was the wolf (*sobs*). Besides that, I was a wolf the last game and we managed to win that one. Funny stuff that happen... well everyone always tried to kill Stan first until he had to gain immunity to just survive a round or two. Alex and Raine always seemed to try to trick everyone, always saying they are the seer regardless of whether they are the seer or not (if the person is really the seer they might know who the wolf is - but can get killed next round if they reveal themselves unles the sorcerer protects em'). Yay, it was general good fun. Game master was Lance and then Khanat eventually.

We had randoms wanting to join our game (we laughed a lot - must have been loud) but... they left before we could finish our current game. So meh. We decided to head home at around 2 AM past. I took a shower and passed out by 3 AM, lol.

Friday, 27th of Feb
I shot up at like... 10 AM. I was like... oh no. I'm supposed to make potato salad for the house warming at Stan's! Gah!!! Yi Xin woke up earlier and cut the potatoes for me. And Sha helped me boil everything. *phew* I showered, changed, fried bacon then me and Jia Chee went off to Stan/Raine's house at 12:40 PM-ish. Got there at 1... Alex opened the door. Uhh... we were there sort of early but not a lot of people were around. I just sat around for like an hour and a half talking to random people, learning to dance Caramell Dansen from Phe-chan and Alex, eating Phe-chan's choco muffins and what not.

The spread of food was excellent. Stan and Lavinia made awesome pasta bake. Lu Wan had really yummy coconut biscuit balls. Kriz and Alfred's awesome curry. Raine's awesome roast. I could go on and on. Afternoon was fairly quiet, we just sat around a bit and chatted about stuff. I really should of tried to socialise with the other housemates more then just my friends. Right now at least I'm more then comfortable to talk to Lavinia and Lu Wan though. XD James came over later on. Stoned. Uhh... at 5:30, me, Raine, Stan, James, Khanat and Lu Wan made our way out to the city. 5 of us were heading to K's 'Last Night of Freedom' event, while Lu Wan was heading home.

Haha, last night of freedom. Got to Melb Central, met up with the group. Who was there...? Uhh... me, Khanat, Raine, James, Stan, Sam, Tom, Ashleigh, Tiz, Sebastian, Yoshi, Amanda, Jono, Drue and Damien. We went to eat at some Italian place along Lygon Street... uhh... Le Spaghetti~ bla bla crap like that. Me and Stan weren't hungry cause the house warming well... we ate tons in 3 PM (and it was only a bit past 7) so like... we shared a plate of ravioli. I am impressed that people like Sam can eat a whole large pizza by themselves. I'm like... O.O. Yay, at the restaurant I mostly sat and talked with K-man, Stanny, Sam and Tom. XD

After dinner, we went to K-box to meet up with Xin and Jono (who had dinner together themselves). Uhh... Karaoke was good. Lots of screaming by Damien, Khanat and Stanny (every session needs Linkin Park's Numb, lol). Jono's awesome singing. Yoshi and his funny choice of Japanese songs. Me, Xin and Ashleigh trying to sing a few things (shut up guys aboutt my song choices! I hate you all!!!). Me and Xin actually tried to do tommyFebruary6's Pray at K-box!! I remembered the lyrics for half the song, we tried to use Yoshi's mobile for song lyrics (Xin can read the characters on screen but I can't) but yeah... didn't work too long. Me, Jono and Xin tried to sing Olivia's Wish also but... IT'S TOOOO HIGH!!!! HIGH BEYOND HIGH!!

We had $300 of drinking credit at K-box. Uhh... I drank 2 and a half glasses of Midori Lemonade. It's soooooooo good. I can get sooo addicted to that. Haha. Raine took 3 glasses (she was buying it for me). I couldn't finish my last glass so I gave it to Xin. My contacts were hurting like hell when we were at K-box though so I was suffering cause of that. Everyone thought I was either tired or crying. I wasn't!! lol. I was sort of sleepy after karaoke and we couldn't find a train to get home at Melb Central. So we walked to Flinders, but Sam, Tom and James took the taxi home anyway. Me, Stanny, Xin and K-man made our way back to Clayton (I fell asleep on the train). The 4 of us were FREEZING at Clayton. And no taxi. K-man could walk to his house. And Stanny planned to walk also. But it was cold, me and Xin wouldn't have made it (just cause a.) Xin was wearing a summer dress = freezing and b.) I had a jacket but I was so tired and my eyes hurt that I wouldn't be able to walk more then out of Clayton town...). So Khanat called a cab, it finally came after a short wait (we were all huddling up to keep warm during this time, and Khanat was like doing martial arts or something, lol). Yay, and we made it home by 2 AM I think. Stanny took the taxi with us and walked back to his place. I gave him my jacket (might be a tad small for him) just to hope that it'll warm him up a bit more).

At home... I was online for a short while before passing out on my bed. I felt a bit sad to be honest. Same feeling haunting me all day, all night and pretty much the past week. Things happening around me are things to be happy for. I'm laughing, I'm cracking jokes, I'm listening to a lot of others as a lot of other people have problems. I'm trying to be a good friend. I do honestly appreciate the number of people out there around me watching out for me. I'm trying to be me. I'm trying to be happy. But something is still dragging me down. And I know what it is.

To be honest, I never really thought I would miss someone as much as I do right now. What kind of mistake did I make to lose someone as important to me as this?

Saturday, 28th of Feb
I woke up at 11 AM... uhh... and was all. Meh. Slow day. Went down for lunch. Xin, Jia Chee and Sha was like... putting 3 different types of cheese on croissants Jono gave us. Like, cheese spread, Colby cheese and mozzerella cheese. LOL. It was goooood. After lunch I just sat around a bit in the house. Okay, I was sort of moping, being emo and what not. May as well be honest on my blog. I'm trying my best to hold up. Just that when things get quiet, and there is nothing else for me to think about. My mind will just wander a bit. It's something I have to put up w ith because... well... there's gonna be a lot of times when I'm left alone in this life of mine. I can't expect so much out of everyone. I sometimes think a lot even when I'm with everyone else anyway. Probably why I'm in a bit of chaos still.

I've missed people in my life. I've missed a lot of people. People, come and people go. I've lost people, I've gained people. It's part of life. It shouldn't be a big deal. It shouldn't be... then why am I feeling like this?

We went to Clayton town at around 4 PM. I decided to finally get off my ass and buy food to last me the week. And cook food for dinner tonight! It took me long enough. I didn't know when I would get the will to do this but I can't keep living off everyone forever. And uni starts next week too... so much to do for MCAC. I know everyone has it really tough but... I can't help being a bit weak. I don't know how long I can handle studies, MCAC responsibility and my current range of emotions like this. I'm not gonna say I'm gonna break. Cause well... I can keep crying and being emo as long as I want. Knowing myself, I'll still go and do everything I have to do anyway. Cause it's my responsiblity. And I need to study because it is my future. So I'm not gonna break. I can live. I can live fine right now. Just not with the honest sincerity I've always wanted.

If I wanted to live logically, sure, I could live right now. And I'll be fine. This is me living right now avoiding my emotion as much as I can. But I don't feel alive at all. As dumb as it sounds, this is why I understand the improtance of living with emotion. Emotions make you do the dumbest things. And say the most cruelest things. And it leads to those mistakes you never really wanted to happen. But at least, even with all those mistakes. I was being honest and sincere with myself. Right now, there is nothing honest with life at all. I can laugh all I want. Can I really say "Yes." if I ask myself "Am I truly satisfied and happy?".

But you can't change time. And you can't change others either. You can only change yourself. And if that isn't good enough, where does that leave you?

Dinner was... spicy tomato chorizos by Sha. Yummy Maryland chicken by Xin. And veggies by me. First dinner with our current set of housemates. Me, Xin, Jia Chee, Sha, Joanne and Mei Xian. XD After dinner… I was being my usual mopey self unfortunately. But no point getting into that now I think…

Around 11 PM… I found myself drinking straight vodka. Okay, I am NEVER doing that again. I laughed, I mostly cried, and I’ve never been so dizzy in my entire life, lol. I threw up so many times throughout the night, couldn't stand, or walk, or speak coherantly, and ended up needing everyone to take care of me. *hugs Xin, Jia Chee, Sha and Joanne* Thank you to whoever blessed me with such great friends. Yeah, it was a dumb thing to do. I don’t know really… it’s not like I’m really trying to do anything. To get anything done. I’m just doing everything I can to avoid the feeling I keep having this past week. That feeling of longing. That feeling that told me that things would have not have been this way if I was just a bit stronger during the summer break. If I just had held out…

Sunday, 1st of March
And with this day… marks a week since I have left home. It has felt like an eternity. This one week has been fun, a lot has happened. I am thankful for everyone’s efforts in keeping me busy and happy as they can do. I am truly thankful for that. It’s a blessing to have friends like this, you know?

But…

Meh. Woke up at… I dunno…. 10 am? Amanda woke me up. Told me that our previous plan of meeting Raine and Nazri at Chaddy at 10… is obviously not gonna happen. But we were gonna catch the 1:10 pm show of “He’s just not that into you.” at Chaddy. So I had to get up, take a shower, eat lunch and head to Chaddy in time. Thankfully, I could stand up by this time (take away 4 hours and no, I wouldn’t have been able to stand). So, that was alright. Couldn’t get food down myself though – but I bought jam donuts at Chaddy.

On the 900 bus we ran into Zac sitting near the back of the bus, lol. Well I know he had work there but I didn’t know it was at that time. He accompanied us for a while when we met up with Raine / Nazri at Nandos and then umm… bought our tickets at Hoyts cinema. We saw big Alex at Chaddy with his friends too. We watched the movie and decided to head home after buying groceries for dinner tonight. James came by to drive us home. Dinner was porridge! Cause I can’t eat anything else (as I can’t swallow anything else). Just a nice quiet dinner with the five of us.

I spent the remaining night cleaning my room up, unpacking and on MSN. Uni tomorrow… not that I have class but I’ll be there for MCAC lunch tables. Gotta direct the new members who do come, socialise and meet em’ all. And hope they’ll feel rig ht at home with our large group, lol.

Uhh... entry not for any day. I got some belated birthday gifts from some of my lovelies! Amanda gave me an awesome new hat!! I am gonna wear it more often. I dunno, it makes me look more like those pretty korean chicks you get in fashion magazines. Except I'm not pretty, fashionable or Korean enough. Hahaha. Jia Chee got me cute cute cute winter mittens, compact mirror and cute doggie phone hanger. Lesley got me a *gasp* A HAMMY! A HAMMY!!!! I name it... Hamu Hamu. LOLOLOL.