The last day of ISB...

And today ends my voluntary placement at ISB. My primary school (from grade 4) and high school (up to grade 11 / form 5). Okay, it wasn't really anything, I just tottered off without much care or concern. I was more sad leaving Melbourne in November last year, lol. I woke up at 5:30 AM as we needed to drive my bro to Muara port first so he can get to Labuan. When I got to school... OMG. First thing I had to do was to help the year 12's deliver Valentine roses and chocolates. I was like.... T.T. This reminded me of my ISB days. I hated this day! Cause I never got any roses or choco... I mean it's obvious to say why. Not pretty, no outgoing personality, not very nice in general, so yeah... not populer in any way. Boo boo, it was always a blow to my non-existent confidence! I don't need to be reminded how unpopular I am, lol. Like seriously. I wait for that one day... just that one day I'll get a rose or some choc from a guy. *___* Some of the girls got like 10 roses, lol (they are $3 each! Right now Brunei dollars is same as Aussie dollars so you can do currency calculations there if you like). I was like... wow. O.O

I mean right now at my age... like... V-day has lost most of its novelty since ya know... I want love all year round. Not love on a specific day, that's utterly retarded. Part of me is sad that I grew up not enjoying the stuff the others did my age at the time but *shrugs* oh well. I'll act like I'm 20, if I hang about sniffing over stuff little 13 year olds giggle about I'll need to smack my head profusely against a brick wall for being a dumbass. Still though, I'm a romantic at heart. I wanna go on a nice romantic date once on Valentines day, or have a lovely dinner - homemade or outside I don't care... *sighs*...

Whatever. So yeah, delivering the flowers was hell. Besides what I just said, I couldn't find the people and it was just confusing in general. And the sun was baking. My last day involved doing lots of last minute tasks. But in general I did very little. I sat about at times just talking to Liz or Mai. Besides my reference letter, Debbie gave me a card and an ISB calender that she bought from the shop. Which was sweet! Ehehehe. When I left I had a chat with Damon, said bye to him and Debbie, and Liz (although I'll probably see her sometime soon anyway before heading back to Melb) and yeah... that was it. Now I can go back to sleeping at 2 AM and waking up at 10. For a week. I'll probably spend the week in the house working on MCAC plans and going out when I can (there is some people I want to see before I leave I think but I'll need to get off my ass to do some contacting cause I know they won't, lol).

I took some pics of the bulletin boards I did at ISB. Haha, the stuff I had to stuck up. This isn't all of them cause I couldn't be bothered. But yeah, I do think they are rather nice! They took ages sometimes. Debbie did the initial setting for them since I don't really know what I'm doing. But I think I have learnt much!

Like this one the most. Pusat Bahagia one!

This is for advertising the Pygmy Elephant project!

Stuff the Secondary school has done! I made all the posters!

Bye bye ISB! Especially if I don't come back next year...

Shot of the other side...

Debbie's office! My home for 6 weeks...

Let's see, spent the afternoon on MSN and napping. Just waiting for time to pass, going to go watch Inkheart with Ming tonight at Empire. Inkheart is sort of old so there wasn't an earlier showing, gah... the movie is so late (10:10 PM... T.T, ooh it'll be like past 12 by the time I get home =.= and I can't sleep in too late tomorrow...). And Empire cinema is so far from me. I wanted to watch Valkyrie (then we could of like.. gone to the Mall) but like.. I dun think he wanted to. I wanna watch Valkyrie though... must find someone to go with me ~ *nods*. I'll make good use of the cinema here since it's like $5. Aus and their $10 (or $11.50 if you don't buy those discounted coupons) tickets scare me!! Only time in Aus I think I'll go to the cinema is when Bernie and co. or James and co. wanna go as a group.

Reply to comments...
@ Phe-chan: I have... a yellow top like that? I don't think it is me, Phe. LOL.
@ Yi Xin: Cute clothes!! Wear some!! I'll make you wear some, lol. I have plenty. Ahahaha.

A quiet day...

I was supposed to write a wishlist but I'm sorry Kriz! I'm too lazy *sobs*.

Today was a quiet day. Even though I went to sleep near to 12 AM last night, for some reason I woke up at like... 4:40 AM. Without an alarm. I wonder why I suddenly wake up when it is clearly not enough sleep?! Weird. School was normal. Debbie was writing my reference letter which I read (and was very sweet). Besides that I didn't do very much. Just made banners for Ms. Pattison and Ms. Wilson. And painted Mr. Holmes and Mr. Green's elephants white. And spent a bit of time at Mr. Barett's year 6 class for the last time.

Uhh... the class was doing role play. While I was cutting up stuff for Ms. Turner, I was watching as the students pretended to be African natives from various countries. We did this when I was in year 6 also. Except it was for history. We were studying the Victorian era, and during this time school was run with an iron fist. Had to write using ink and quill and people got beated with canes like no end. The role play was memorable just because it was so convincing and everyone acted until this one kid (normally the tough guy) starts crying thinking it was all real (as my teacher was about to beat one of the students). And everyone is like... we're acting. We know it isn't real. The point of role play is to never act out of character, it's fun. Hehe.

Lunch was with Liz. I ate good ol' Mac n' Cheese. I used to really like the ISB one! It was the best. It used to be like $2.50... and yeah. It's terrible now. It's $3.00, they barely give you anything and I could make better tasting Mac n' Cheese then that. T.T I know they have to cut cost but... the servings they give are getting a bit ridiculous now. My afternoon disappeared without me doing anything. I think I just surfed, updated random things and talked to random people. Oh well, it can be considered a good thing if your day passes by without you realising it. Some people have asked me why I'm counting down. Can't I be excited to return to Melb? I mean I told Xin that it will be a bit weird, because I've gotten used to life here again. The old life. Now it's back to... seeing everyone again (on a near daily basis depending on who you are), going shopping for groceries with Jia Chee during the weekend, smashing the door at 1 PM to get Xin to wake up for lunch, worrying about what to eat for brekky, lunch and dinner every single day. Gahhh! O.O And doing... my essays... and going to classes I never listen in cause there isn't much point.

I am not good at adapting to be honest. So the jumping around during the different time of the year really always does make me rather ill.

Let's see, I should say something insightful and interesting today. But I can't tell what. Gotta sleep earlier tonight. Must wake up a half hour earlier. Cause my bro is going to Labuan for work so parents are driving him since he doesn't want to leave his car at the ferry place to be stolen. So I gotta with em' cause after that they'll drop me off at school (although both places are in completely different locations). Oh, I know! Yay, continue on with fashion! I dunno whether it is a good thing that I am passing the staring at clothes. It makes me wanna lose more weight for starters, lol.
Okay, the bunny hoody is just the cutest thing ever! I'm like gahh!! It's so cute!! But it's pretty pricey. Haha, it'll be nearing AUD$50 for that thing. Oh, that and the girl is wearing a nice pair of boots. I should really start wearing boots, they look awesome now. And I am really starting to sound like that chick in the Shopaholic series, lol. She always obsessed over things like this too. Then spends too much (although it is brand names to say the least). The next piece is the one you see to the right. Sleeveless chiffon! And there are a lot of different colours, but pink is still the cutest one (but the red or black one is more hot, lol). Last thing for the day is the lovely purple dress you can see on the left. It's awesome! But maybe it's also cause of the cominbation of hat, jewellery, belt, socks and boots. Otherwise normally the dress itself won't be much to look at. This is the crappy thing about me. I can accessorise very well that's why my clothing itself is normally pretty decorative already just cause I wanna avoid the jewels, brooches, belts and what not. And I'm lazy. If you see my in t-shirts, it means I'm too lazy to do my laundry. Otherwise normally I like wearing my frilly tops with ribbons and stuff hanging off or ruffles or what not. I hate winter only because it means I always wear the same jacket over everything (and I normally refuse to take off my jacket cause I'm cold). Oh and if I think about it now, don't worries people. My DIRTY MONKEY jacket is now gone! I won't wear that monstrosity anymore, lol. RIP dirty monkey jacket. It's in Aus right now I might try soaking it in Dynamo for like 3 days and seeing whether I can like... get it back to its original color. I won't throw it away, haha. The jacket is precious! So many memories from it.

That's me for the day. Guess I'll sleep in two hours... tomorrow is last day of ISB. Then lunch with parents, afternoon at home, dinner then movies at night. Yeah, I can see my Friday planned out already, lol.

Reply to comments...
@Khanat: Haha, thanks man.
@Phe-chan: Wait, I do have something like that but... I just bought it in December! I've never even worn it before Phe-chan. Do I have anything else like that?
@Akmal: I like how all three of you said something different. Haha, awww.. that's sweet Akmal. Okay, if you're busy moving in then hopefully I'll see you the day after I get back? Haha. Yeah, I will take it easy. I can't really afford to get sick when I return to Aus... I mean, there is so much to do.

Jollibee, Ebay and *yes* CLOTHES!

Another usual day! I was lazy to get up, but whatever. LOL. Me and Debbie spent the entire morning basically rummaging (I would probably call it raping more like) the school network, for CAS and PSE related files - to organise it nicely in one place. Since the files before were like... tossed over several drives on the network in like a thousand different folders. And there was a lot of outdated files from when CAS / IB first started at ISB. I made a few documents here and there but wasn't much. It was a very... sit down at computer for the entire day sort of day. I remember when I first go to school today I couldn't find Debbie and I didn't get the instructions she wrote down so I went looking for her. But... couldn't find her. I go back to her room defeated and she's sitting there, LOL.

Liz rang in sick so didn't really saw her today (well saw her past 1 PM once only - that and cookies were baking near to after school which she pointed out... I have baked or cooked almost during my time in Brunei. I sort of miss it... I would like to make biscuits for O-week but there isn't enough time. Sad... but I'll still bake though after that. Maybe bring it for MCAC lunch or something. I won't miss cooking soon once I find myself have to think about what to eat for brekky, lunch and dinner day in day out (and with my house to feed the others too? But I think we said we'll go back to our semester 1 cooking method - that is... everyone make a small dish. Not one person make a 3 or 4 course meal... that was too much pressure and expensive...).

At lunch me and Ming went to Jollibee at Seri Q-Lap. I ate... their chicken burger. I liked it. XD I have never actually eaten food at Jollibee before I think (I was more of an Ideal person). Oh, I think I ate their spaghetti once - and I do drink their random dessert shakes (even though those things are nothing but ice - and maaaaybe a bit of ice cream). Seri Q-Lap is getting considerably emptier. =.= Dear dear... we sort of ate too fast so we walked around the place a bit but it was all clothing and CD stores (no, I never really walked about that 'mall' much). Resisted temptation to walk into clothing stores cause a.) I should be at work not shopping, b.) I'm with a guy who doesn't like shopping, c.) I shouldn't be buying more clothing - luggage is full and Aus wardrobe has enough clothes already... and I'm already bringing a lot back anyway T.T.

Came back and never saw Debbie for the day again. Boo boo. Ah well. At home... uhh... monitoring Ebay and planning out MCAC's O-week (well looking and contacting sponsors). I was typing up a document for Debbie today which was basically a camp plan. I thought it was rather interesting to read - I wonder if I can integrate any of those ideas I saw into MCAC's camp. I really need to get my butt moving and start planning out all the events we'll have up until the next AGM. Must... finish off my first and only time (I guess?) in a university level committee with a bang. Next camp idea is a worry cause location (according to Zac) is a more expensive place then living in some random lodge in Mornington Peninsula like last time. I don't want the camp fees to be more then what we had last time though. Our members aren't exactly the wealthiest bunch. At home I've finished hole punching the 210 bookmarks. Now to tie on ribbons. Yes, some people will think I'm a freak for doing all of this alone. *shrugs* I have the free time anyway. And it means I can choose which design I want for myself (and I'll take it away first ohohohoho~). I noticed we had only one Pokemon bookmark, I think I took that one specifically for Lesley when I was picking (or would you rather have a cute one?).

Oh and regard to my recent obsession with browsing on Ebay (and witholding myself from bidding like a madman - it's bad when you have a slight bit of money in your Paypal account, makes the temptation to spend so much more appearling). These dresses are so cute!!! Yes - I like Japanese-Korean influenced fashion so much more then Western style clothing. It's a good thing cause then I'm not really interested in labels like Guess, Top Shop, DKNY and etc. Clothing there is too plain and 'mature' for me. Although some Japanese labels are pretty costly (not that I wear brand names often). And yeah... I do know getting clothes on Ebay ain't a good idea cause things just look good... just not on you. :P

This is sooo cute! Around AUD$28.30 including shipping...

Sooo nice! Around AUD$23.40. I have something vaguely like this but it isn't a dress...

Around AUD$35... so cute for winter... *__*

Okay, clothing is cute but the cute models sort of make it look better x10 times I bet. Even when I see clothes on the rack from magazines worn by the hot hot hot models, they don't look so great in real life (or on me at the very least). Dun have the cute enough face. Boo boo boo. And photos are obviously enhanced and airbrushed. From now on, you may see me sharing my Ebay "I want but I won't get it" list. Complete with pictures. Cause I have nothing else better to do. Hahaha. I really do have too much clothes. At least it's a cheaper hobby then being a car / technology freak. As long as I stay away from top brand names. *nods*

Gave up on that Sony T-10. It'll definitely be bidded up to 300+ at the rate things are going. So I went to go for something else. I figure that a second hand Canon or Sony tend to be bidded pretty high in the last hour. So I went for Nikon instead. But. no go. Yeah, I get the auctions now. Was looking at a Nikon Coolpix S1 but... last hour the bid jumped incredibly. And I don't feel like shelling out 100+ for a Nikon S1, lol. Forget the camera! I still have my Fuji Finepix Z5... just with a broken flash. It's okay... can still use it at daytime. Not like I go out at night thaaat often anyway. I hate flash anyway - makes my OILY FACE look even OILIER and the pimples and imperfections are so much more obvious! Gahhh~ When it comes to Ebay I guess I'll stick with the stuff that no one really wants so that I don't get outbidded often! I'm crying cause I didn't bid for my EDF3006 textbook! And it was bought! I thought it would get relisted (I couldn't buy things too early cause I'm not there to pick it up yet - I was afraid it'll get returned to sender). It was being sold NEW on Ebay for $70! The retail price at Monash bookstore is $105. FUCK. Now I have to buy it at Monash bookstore!! Gahhhhh!!! *cries*

Reply to comments...
@Akmal: Haha, perhaps I should of. Maybe I'll come over the day I get back to your new place. As you're near Stan and Kriz and I want to go see them too. Depends, I'll see how my health goes (cause yeah... entering Aus always makes me really sick). If not I trust I'll see you the day after during C&S Orientation Carnival? :3

How to get pale even with sun...

GET WHITE PAINT ALL OVER IT! *sobs* My hand feels weird...

Got up as usual. Went to school as usual. Did paperwork as usual. Today's a Tuesday so I spent the morning with Mr. Barett's year 6 class. Just helped a kid with Maths (they started... algebra) and after that Mr. Barett forced all the poor kids to read to me just cause he noticed I was too bored. I ate lunch quickly and alone today as Liz was busy - and I had to fix some stapled work for Damon (gahh... so much more used to calling him Mr. Grieves) during lunch anyway. Debbie's plastic basket normally used to carry paint had an accident. One of the cans must have tipped over or something cause everything in the basket was covered in white (well... sort of yellow-y but closer to white) paint. She asked me whether I would mind washing it or not (it should be water based paint) so I'm like... okay. If it's water based paint I just need tons of water and everything will get off.

So off I go... with paper towels, myself and a hose. I pick things out and attempt to clean it off. That's odd... the water doesn't seem to be doing very much. Hmm, let's try again! That's odd... the drain cover is starting to get stained with the paint. Waita-.... My Mind: FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! It's OIL BASED PAINT. IT'S HOUSE PAINT. O.O Okay, excuse the language here but I was like... oh shit... *tries to wash hands and stuff* Nope... my hand is getting sticky and drier by the second. And like... I sometimes couldn't pull my fingers apart cause there was just SO MUCH paint on it. I give up the washing task immediatly and just concentrate on getting it off my hands. Uhh... at this point my hand is smooth and completely white. I was like.. T.T ... okay ... *scratches head* Now what... I dun wanna permanently white hand. T.T It's like... permanent gloves...

Then one of the caretakers come by and he's like... O.O ... and tells me that water will barely do anything - I'll need thinner or something (and I know thinner is really bad for your hands). I'm like... T.T ... *gives up* ... and I go around secondary school looking for Debbie. I find her in the library with Mr. Green and I'm like "Debbie!!! ;___; The paint was oil based! I can't get it off my hands!!!" I felt like a student, lol. She had this "oh.. shit..." look and Mr. Green said to pop over to the art room. So I did and was like bugging Mr. Peacocke for turpentine. Hmm... the turp was weird and made my hands feel really weird. And it sort of didn't work at times. I noticed most of the paint was coming off but it was basically thinning out - and I still felt like I had this thin layer of paint on my hand. And my hand was too pale compared to the rest of the skin (by a bit). I was like... oh ... well I do wanna be more light and pale, but not by using paint!! T.T

Gah, gross. I don't want to touch that paint again. Hand feels normal now at least. It was so funny in the afternoon, no matter what I touched - I left paint fingerprints behind. Let's see, rest of afternoon was I dunno... nothing. The time passed by oddly fast. I think I was on ebay and review sites the entire time. My digital camera had its flash broke down a few months ago and it has been pissing me off. It's a Fujifilm Z5fd ... fucking camera it turns out a lot of people had this problem. And my warranty has expired (and I had a look at Fuji's repair costs... $120 or more on average...). So I was thinking of Ebay-ing a second hand camera (the Fuji I can use outdoors daylight but any inside shots or night shots is dead and impossible). There's a Sony Cybershot T-10 for auction right now at around AUD$75. I'm like... I want that!!! I wanted that camera but it had a RRP of like over $650 when it came out!!! But I bet a lot of bidders will pop up in the last hour of that auction if it goes over a hundred I don't really want to spend that money. And it probably will... I mean... a T-10 (in pink!) *sobs*... yeah, the only electronic I probably want and tend to want the newest models. Compact digital cameras, lol (the good looking ones ~ haha yes, what'd ya expect from someone carrying a pink camera and a pink mobile and a pink wallet?)

Mum actually deep fried some keropok (prawn crackers) today ... I never got to eat a single one during CNY! Not that I ain't anything during CNY. Cause she didn't think there was a point. But I gotta eat my share now, the ones in Brunei are like a million times better then what I end up eating in Aus - which is like nothing but oil to me. I'm a bit worried about gaining weight again before going back to Aus but luckily it was lower today then usual. So yay to that~

I'm getting a bit weary of going to ISB now. I'm off next week but I don't want to spend my entire last week at home. But no one is really in Brunei anymore... even the other Aus students have gone back already. It seems I'm going back really late compared to everyone else... T.T I should of booked a week earlier, lol.

Chap Goh Meh...

The last day of Chinese New Year! I think family normally eats together on this day or something. Or...or... something good happens. *shrugs* Well, nothing good is happening to me right now. Gahh, but have no fear! I'm still being positive right now (okay, perhaps sarcastic is a better word - but it's better then being SAD). Most of you won't know my story but let me put it this way. I'm a really normal person living a normal life. I'm no one unique or different, or living a difficult life in any way. I can't write a memoir about myself having to feed off mud and candle wax over an extended period time to survive. So I'll just let things go over my head and hope for the best. Life wasn't meant to always go your way anyway. That said, things do affect me and if you know me you can easily see how things affect my behavior and my (somewhat) shaky mentality. But I don't want that to be an excuse to always be emo and all "oh woe is me the world is against me my life is shit". Cause that's fucking retarded and very annoying. So if I do that, please slap me in the face and say "Everyone has SHIT in their life! Get over it!". If you do it enough I'll realise and it'll be better for meh. XD

So! I slept on the couch last night! My favourite couch in this house. It's OLD, it's UGLY and it's DIRTY! And the couch is awesome, hahaha. I think it's comfortable at least, but yeah it is olllddd. I mean it's like... brown-green in colour, that icky colour when things get dirty. But I refuse to let anyone take it away from me. I basically spent the past 3 months living on the couch. Sleeping on it wasn't particularly comfortable though. A.) cramped but luckily I can sleep without moving and B.) a lizard was living in the curtains... it kept insisting on making that lizard noise every hour! So I woke up every hour.

Did the usual. Got up... went to school... did paperwork. And whatever. Barged into classes (I barged and TALKED in a SCIENCE TEST! *sobs* I was soooo embarrassed!!) uhh... yeah lunch was with Liz. That's about it I think. Spent rest of the afternoon doing nothing... lol. Sort of. *shrugs* Whatever. I'm okay, lol. Today was chap goh meh but yeah... we don't really... celebrate that. I guess...

Okay, sleep time! For work tomorrow. Yay, I get to sleep in my room again with air-conditioning!

Reply to comments...
@Mag: ... that's very odd imagery there, ya know. :P

A step forward in the right direction...

Had a rough night. A rough rough night. For starters, my air-con broke so the room was hot. T.T Not that it matters I won't complain considering Melbourne was like an effin' 46 degrees C (holy crap O.O - what's up with the world these days?? =.= while over here we have too much rain and people are losing their homes because of that T.T)... But yeah, even if we ignore that emotions wise I was already like, I dunno, in complete chaos last night anyway. Or I should say this morning. So I barely slept. It was a long night, lol. You know the night passes by faster when you actually fall asleep. My air-con is still broken though (I mean, it is a Sunday today). I'm gonna like... sleep on the couch downstairs to get through the night tonight.

Plans for today was cancelled also. And I was down to begin with so meh, probably better idea if I don't go outside. Uhh... just had lunch with parents, did some errands and what not. By the afternoon it was sort of strange... I think I was gonna reach the boiling point or something. See, first I felt violent. I seriously felt the urge to hurt someone. I guess an offset of my anger. Then I was like... hmm. Not right to hurt others. Maybe myself might be better. I've done it before I'm so clumsy I can easily fall down somewhere ya know. Dunno if people realised or not, I know I tend to have a lot of bruises but some of them are self-inflicted. Not that I'll ever admit it. :P Then.. I sort of don't even remember. Uhh... oh yeah, I took a nap. To stop myself. I woke up and felt better - at least I didn't feel so angry. But then I still felt all depressed. Bah. Was online trying to decide whether to stay on or not. I am really getting to my limits you know. Badly. Only two more weeks left... gotta hold on. I need to hold on. I sooo need to hold on. Then I can go see everyone again... will go cry to Xin and Sha, hug Kriz and Stanny at their new place, slap Sam, Tom, James and Drue on the back, visit Akmal's new place, glomp Tsan as we bake cookies, glomp Phe-chan and Lesley also just for the sake of it, get my curry dinner from Rachel that she owes me, pop by the wu shu club to say hi to Lydia, Ben and Elaine, listen as Khanat tells all the newbies 10 different names for each one he meets, argue with Vu about the dumbass things he always says and all the tricks he seems to play on me, be a freeloader at Bernie's house like how I've been doing for years... and be able to finally talk with Damian about... everything...

I was really bad last night. I'm sorry Akmal, Khanat.... thanks a lot for caring about me. And trying to help me... even though I probably ignored ya. And to the people who helped calm down today. Yi Xin, Zac, Kriz, Damian, Kei... and... yeah you all know who you are. I felt really bad. I seriously don't know what I'm doing half the time. Or what I'm saying. I really need to be more in control of myself. Kind of retarded how I can magically make myself upset without anything to instigate it. Shows you I'm like... half insane or something. T.T

I've been a really bad friend. I was always thinking about myself. I wasn't thinking about others. My hypocrisy has been off the roof lately. I dunno what I did, or whether I deserve it, I dunno how I ended up making a group of friends who really did care for me, and I was an idiot cause I never realised it at all. Just lamenting while everyone was frantic to help me out. And also to Magdalene and Manju too... for always telling me what I needed to hear, and what I wanted to hear - even after all these long long years. Even though we are sort of apart now, and we'll never be like the old days where we saw each other every single day - we made the best memories during that time - and I'm happy that even now you would still tell me that I can always come back to ya too. Must apologise to Mum and Dad too. Who despite everything tried their best to keep me company and make me happy. I stepped on their kindness and threw it back I think - didn't give enough back in return. Gahhh.... and time is almost up too. I shouldn't have been so sad during the holidays...

Anyway, the best line of the day - what actually made me stop crying (from hilarity). Quite a task if you knew I had enough tears streaming down to fill up my bath tub.

kei-clone: it's 4:27
kei-clone: and as cheesy as this might sound, i am gonna stay awake until you stop crying

I had to LOL from that. You say the best things sometimes kei, you and your cheesy flirty lines you always used to give me, and I haven't spoken to you for ages beyond ages. The tears stop just cause I was too busy laughing. The poor guy, exhausted from partying all night and still having to stay up cause of me when he gets home. XD What would I do without you guys I wonder? Seriously. :D

It's my final week at ISB. I'll make the best of it. I'll make sure I clean up Debbie's room well enough so that she always stays organised! It's the least I can do when she took me in without knowing I only went to distract my mind. Not really cause I was after anything else. Or wanting to help out. I just needed a distraction. But it's been interesting anyway. And a part of me has a nice satisfaction, I went in as scared as a mouse. I was worried what I would do when I return to Aus! Honestly, how am I gonna be MCAC's prez when my temperment is like... a mouse?? I have become really quiet it reminded me of like... the ISB days. T.T I'm not finishing my term of office as a mouse. I'm not that quiet!! The current committee is going out with a bang even if it kills me!!! But yeah, now weeks later at ISB, I feel happy to walk around confidently, barge into every class without much problem (I was soooo scared of doing that at first), and be able to talk to a number of teachers...

Okay, okay. Whatever it is. Must hold on. Must hold on. Must not throw fits randomly every single day. Must not cry. Must not ignore people who care about me. @.@ I didn't really realise (or maybe I did - I was always denying everything just to 'play the victim' if you know what I mean... a bad habit, I seriously need to stop 'playing the victim', cause I am not the fucking victim lol, I cause things myself at times...), after always lamenting on being alone I was never alone to begin with and I made friends who have spent half the holiday trying to keep me calm, and feel really bad I dragged them down with me.

A prayer that this good feeling will last. And that I'll go back to being indepedant. And staying independent. I wasn't raised to fucking depend on others and I don't want to be a selfish bitch who doesn't appreciate the things around. Some people told me they thought I was really independent when they first met me! It was a mask but... but... it was a mask that was becoming truth. I think. Slowly... you know, I really did forget Samuel's words. "Look at what you do have, not what you don't". Gah, I'm so stupid!! And crap, I had a lot and never realised it at all. So that's where all the hits on my blog was coming from. I didn't know that... everyone... and I mean everyone was... worried about me.... *sniffs*... oh and another reaction. OMG, all you bastards were readin my blog? Crappppp. *embarrassed*

2009 just started. Okay. I'm not gonna fall down just yet. T.T I'll have my downs still of course but... I'll stay up most of the time even if it kills me. T^T I can breathe now. Hehe. I feel really good, like I'm alive right now. I wonder if I've gotten over something...?

Having too much free time on your hands really does put the worst thoughts into your mind. I want to go to sleep right now but I'm still waiting for someone to come online... but I don't think they will. I feel sick. It's too much to ask but why is it that the people I want to see are never around when I need em'?

I really feel like doing something to myself to make me forget it all...