A day just like any day...

Let's see, I woke up a bit oddly today. A bit anxious. Like, if you shook my hand it would have been shaking uncontrollably. Like some person with first symptoms of Parkinson's disease. I'm not too sure why. I was okay today but because my mind is avoiding things to stay 'okay' the body is not going along with it. T.T Not much I can do there, hopefully I'll be completely fine once I head back to Melb. Or something. I don't know. Maybe it'll get worse, lol. Ah well, at least I get to see everyone back in Melb. I'll worry about how I act when I get back when I actually get back.

Let's see, I went to school as usual. Said hi to Liz who was at the front office then popped into Debbie's room. Not much work to be done today but I still worked straight until after school, lol. What did I do... uhh... finished a powerpoint for an assembly, got quotes from Year 12 CAS diaries for the school website, made more little banners and stapled another board up in the Geo room. Since I invaded a year 7 class to do that I got to take part in their activities (which was nice)... well, mostly watch. Lunch was dull and Liz was busy with BGIC. I saw her here and there, lol. It seems Ms. Wong said to her also that... I'm like some... what was the word she used, can't remember, but commenting something along the lines of "Each time I see Celine she's getting thinner...". But she's imagining things. I'm still not losing weight if you ask me.

Uhh... after lunch, I just finished the quotations. There was a bunch of cake in her room, I wonder where it all comes from. T.T Debbie smacked me when I said I was on a diet (so no cake for me), lol. Something like "You don't have anything to lose!!!". Mai was really busy so she asked me to phone parents to inform/remind them about Parent's Evening tomorrow night for year 11's. I was like.... O.O... phone... parents. I hate phoning people I don't know!!! *sobs* I managed to get through around 15 calls before it was the end of school and I had to sort of head off. I did pretty well. Only one parent hanged up on me *nods*. LOL. Along the way out Mr. Grieves passed by and it went like...

Me: "Hi Mr. Grieves~!"
Damon: "Mr. Grieves...?"
Me: OH SHIT. Did I get the wrong name. *thinks* No..... I didn't T.T.
Damon: *he stares at his name tag* "Just call me Damon."
Me: "... oh, okay. XD

So I guess I won't say Mr. Grieves from now on (I'll ALWAYS call Ms. Hancox and Ms. Wong like that though, because they were my teachers since young so I'm not changing that).

Hmm. Afternoon was... a bit of MCAC organising, reading my novel and MSN. Haha. The usual day of Celine~ yay for me... T.T *coughs* Yeah, right. Ah well, I was in a fairly good mood today I suppose so that's all that matters. It was a bit artificial though... if you get what I mean. Like I'm trying to be happy, it's okay to pretend since it reassures me for the time being but yes... I need to tackle the souce of everything sooner or later. I don't wanna be like this forever, it's too tiring. =.=

Reply to comments...
@Kriz: Thanks dear. I'll try to keep that in mind. ^^
@Mag: *hugs Mag* dun worry ~ hehehe you have a lot going on too. It shouldn't always be just me. I'm sorry I haven't talked to you much either also. Take care of yourself first. :D :D

Lost...

Feeling sick. Feeling tricked. Feeling used. Feeling betrayed. Used and thrown away once convenient. Life works in these funny little ways. Just when I started to trust someone's word, it's only then I realise that the words were a lie. Heh. Nothing ever really changes, does it? I like how I always lose to everyone else. Am I always going to be last on everyone's priority list? Is this how my life is going to play out...? I like how I feel that someone is important, but that feeling... is never going to be returned to me. It's never going to happen. Whatever anyone says... it's all a lie. I'm only wanted when there is no one else around. Once everyone else is around... I'm an eyesore, like a cockroach that should just back off and get away. This isn't the first time, it's not gonna be the last either, is it? I don't want to be someone's substitute anymore... I don't want to be the thing someone wants only when there isn't anything else around better. I don't want to be someone so easily 'replaced'.

Why did I ever start to believe in those lies? If it was gonna be like this...

Spent the entire day staring at a wall. Crying on and off. I don't even feel alive anymore right now. I think I've slept for like 15 hours now. I'm trying to sleep more. I don't want to wake up...

Where does this leave me?

One day you had a life. Next day you didn't. One day you had everything, next day you lost it all. I wonder where does this all leave me? The future is really uncertain now. I don't even feel sad anymore. I think I've lost it (me mind).

A thank you to especially James for comforting me for the night. =.= Sorry to the people I seemingly ignored throughout the night. @.@

Dreams that you never wanted to see...

This is the part of me that sort of hates how my so-called 'happiness' tends to fluctuate intensely. It's too volatile, which is why I like to describe myself as 'unstable'. Until I can stop it with the mood swings I'll never call myself as normal as everyone else. I woke up fairly anxious today, why's that? Dreams. I am now cursing my dreams, because the dreams are showing me what my mind has been trying to avoid. And I don't want to see it. I do not want to see people I've been avoiding to think, denying myself to think - appearing in my dreams. It felt so real I could slowly feel the part of me that I was trying to keep normal slowly fall away. I woke up and immediately went to bury myself under my blankets, under my pillows; shaking in fear and longing...

I got up an hour or so later, to get ready for school. Liz was there but I spoke to her very briefly as I had to go my way, and she with her's. From what I know, she spent most of her time in the library with Nic. She asked me where room 27 was when I got to uni, then I sent her in the wrong direction and only remembered that room 27 is in the primary school area... not secondary. Whoops. I'm sorry Liz even though you already did text me after saying you'll kill me for that. Today wasn't as busy although for some reason I was tired. I did random things like chase around year 13 students who did not hand in their CAS diaries after days (I still remember that - barged into three classes and was like "Your diaries. Where are your diaries?!"). Cleaned things up a bit, stapled things up onto the IB board and what not.

Uhh... what else. Mrs. C commented that I look nice today. O.O I was wearing black and white pretty much, I like that outfit cause it like... makes you look thinner. Although when I told mum this she was like "Pffft. More like you barely have anything left to say you're fat about". I dunno, I still see fat everywhere if I look into the mirror. Although I must keep in mind I don't wanna be one of those bony women, lol.

Besides that, not much else. I sort of can't remember. Left school at lunch, went to eat lunch... no noodles in the kopitiam (me: O.O WTF NO NOODLES HOW CAN THERE NOT BE KOLO MEE??)... uhh.. got home. I took another nap. Oh what a mistake. Bad dream there. Bad dream there. CRAP, that destroyed my mood for the afternoon I found myself crying again. *hits head* What was the dream? It was like... what I would call... my emotions in living breathing colour playing out in my mind! It felt so real I could feel the fear and my heart beauting.

I got home. It was dark. It was empty. No matter where I went it was empty. Even the outside was empty. Everywhere was empty. Just me, just only me. It flashed to an msn screen. Not a single person was online. I was just alone and I just stared out into the space - alone. I woke up after that, heart pumping heavily. Then you have the usual set of drama that I come with. I start thinking of bad things. Thinking of the wrong things. I went really sad and what not. Thanks to Xin, Raine and Akmal for worrying about me... and calming me down. =.= I seriously put you guys to shame... it was just a dream. Baka Celine. >.<

Rest of the night was a blur. Dinner was popiah ~ it was good. Mum spent the entire day doing it. @.@ I was not in the best of moods but I was alright I guess. It's gonna be February soon. I said I wanted to get over things by Feb. Doesn't seem like it is happening. At least... this horrific January 2009, I hope the month burns in history and never crosses my mind ever again. In Feb... I need to clean up, start to worry about MCAC and get my act together. Whatever the hell emotions I might be feeling, still need to do my responsibility and I'll keep to the word I said at last year's AGM. No matter what shit happen's I'll do everything I still need to do for the club until my term of office is over. Yeah... I will...

Just another day...

I couldn't think of some fancy title for today's entry, lol. It was a very normal day. Got up as usual, although I seem to be getting lazier. List of work was from yesterday but I actually did very little today but I was exhausted from the beginning. I had to clear out and clean up the shelf full of uni prospectus for IB students. It was a pain in the ass because that shelf is outside, so the damn thing was filthy. I was so tired by the time I was done I was like all sluggish for the rest of the day. Besides that, I just worked on a powerpoint for a bit, went to sit in Mr. Barrett's year 6 class for a while, ate lunch and read my book and helped set up an assembly in the afternoon involving a scuba diving, coral reef conservation and attempting to convince the students to join in (although it'll cost $500 to complete the course to become a certified scuba diver).

The assembly setup involved me running back and forth looking for the IT technician to setup the powerpoint projector. Cause I could never find him. And I was getting irritated from exhaustion (I think I walked up and down the school area like a dozen times today - the ICT room is right at the end unfortunately). He was out for lunch apparently. Then when he didn't show up at the assembly like he should of (it was just 5 minutes late by yeah... we had 10 more minutes to setup) I went to get him again and he was on Facebook in the room! I would of lol-ed if it wasn't for the fact that Ms. Hancox was in there. He was a pretty cool guy though, we chatted a bit but then there was the assembly to listen to (he pulled up a chair for me so we were like sitting behind the powerpoint projection - unable to see, haha, not that I minded since I could still listen to the guy's presentation anyway). I wish I could try out scuba diving but I wouldn't have the money to do that. I liked how humerous Mr. Canterford sounded when he was like... two main problems with those interested in the scuba diving. Problem #1.) It costs monies (a lot of monies - for us anyway) and 2.) If you can't swim then... that is a big problem. Normally people from ISB can swim though cause they sort of force you to learn *shudders at the primary school swimming days*.

When the assembly man first came, he said that someone phoned him saying "Be there at 1:30 PM!" That phonecall was me and Mrs. C smacked me on the arm saying that's not very polite. Then he changed his words and said that "I just wasn't as polite as I could be" (in a relaxed way - I wasn't in trouble). But I must say.... HEYYY, I did not say that. I'm pretty sure I was sort of like "Uhh... would you be able to come at 1:30" or something like that. I wouldn't demand people of things. But I get nervous talking on the phone still so sometimes not everything comes out as I want it to. T.T I hate the telephone, lol. Even at ISB, I can just phone people easily using the phone extensions but I still normally get up and walk to the room to talk to people directly.

At lunch, Ms. Natalia was like... the book! She wanted to borrow Tony Parsons' "My Favourite Wife" from me, but I was reading it so she said after I was done. But I was taking my sweet time and she apparently finished her last book and didn't want to start another one until she went through mine first (as she has limited time to do that - considering I have only two weeks left). So she went to see how much left of the book I had and said she'll give me 2 days before confiscating my book (lol). Well, I finished it already. Heh, it was a good book. A bit of a bittersweet ending (leaning more towards the tragic side) but you could guess from the beginning it wasn't gonna end well when a story involves a man loving both his wife and his mistress. In simple stories the wife just has to turn into an evil bitch and we don't feel bad anymore. Sadly, it wasn't so simple. Now I need a new book to bring to school to read during lunch (cause me is a loner and I eat alone~). Probably gonna start Swan Adamson's "My Three Husbands"... *watches as you people stare at her book names*... whaaaat~ they are all chick-lits! What do you expect? :P Although I don't think it is fair to call Tony Parsons stories 'chick-lits', lol. I wanna read Tony Parsons other books. He has like 5 other. Perhaps I'll get them second hand off Ebay or something...

And just looked at Liz's blog. Oh yay, she got the job at ISB! I have a lunch buddy now (maybe the novel reading is now no longer necessary, lol - cept when I run out of things to do or just get bored). And then I just got a phone call from her. She's with Ms. Wong! Lucky~ I guess she got in with Ms. Wong's referral (I dunno who referred me but I assume it was Ms. Hancox because Ms. Wong didn't even realise I was in the school until that day I told you where she looked at me - went away and went back to look at me again).

No, I'm not becoming anorexic guys....

I was a bit tired today cause last night... I would of went to bed at 11 PM as usual but then I was having too much of a good time 'gossiping' with Yi Xin, Tom, Chris and Drue that I didn't sleep until past 12. Then by the time I went to bed I had a bit on my mind I guess I slept for 5 or less hours (assuming I wake up at 6 AM daily). Good thing is that, I felt perfectly fine today! I realise that my mind is currently in what I would call a state of 'avoiding to think' more then 'getting over it' but soon, I'll face the music soon. Just let me wait a few more weeks.

Hmm. My time at ISB today. TIRING. Very TIRING. List of things to do, so many things to do... I was running around looking for students the whole day. You wouldn't believe how many classes I went to, barging in, yelling out "Is Janrius in here??!!", "Is there a Wie Lian in this class??" or something like that. Now everyone seriously recongises me because I barge into every class way too often these days. When I was dropping off books in the drama room, Ms. Wong was teaching a class in there (for those who dunno Ms. Wong is this pretty and young Asian teacher who has been at the school for who know's how long, she watched me grow up, haha. I remember how she used to scold me when I was like 10 and stuff). We all really like her cause she has never really scolded me before, but still managed to discipline me.

Ms. Wong: "Celine.... *stares seriously*.... you MUST EAT. You seriously must eat!"
Me: "Huh?"
Ms. Wong: "You are a skeleton!"
Me: "Hah? No way!"
Ms. Wong: "You are like 25% of what you were before!"
Me: "I'm eating! I'm eating!" T.T *shuffles away*

Then I get home and look at my blog comments. Seriously, I am not becoming anorexic, don't worry. Yes, I am eating. No, I'm not eating a lot, that's true. But I'm still eating, don't worry. And no, I didn't stop eating originally to lose weight anyway. I stopped eating cause of my emo phase, and I think you all can guess why I was in my emo phase to begin with anyway. Not that I mind losing weight... I don't see how I am a skeleton. Everyone I know is still thinner then me! I still see a tummy! Just 5 more pounds ~ then I'll stop. Ehehe. And get the fat off my blubby legs *nods* Then I'll be happy. It's nice how like... clothes that were a bit too tight for me in the past is now sort of loose. Like the shirt I was wearing today, lol. It used to stick to me. Now it's hanging off me.

One of the year 12 student's today was holding a bake sale to raise funds for a Viet boy I think it was who was mauled by a dog, and lost a limb. Funds raised go towards his reconstruction surgery. It didn't go as well as wanted cause none of the year 12 brought things in to sell (except a few). Mrs. Canterford was like... "No, it's not that the other students forget! It's BECAUSE THEY ARE SELFISH!" O.O He still managed to raise $173 though. For some reason I was found selling some of the stuff, although they should of gotten one of the other student's to do it. I shouldn't be doing labour for the students. Oh well, it's nice when I managed to get hesistating people to buy things though. If I think about it, I should prepare for O-week next month. Must get... 200 new members during o-week. My goal! Last year's goal for MCAC was 150 from what I remember Vu telling me at that time, although they got about 180 during that time. So we should aim higher!

I was in the ISB secondary library for a while. Haven't been inside properly for years. Then I realised. Oooh! They have new books! Books I want to read! It's a treasure trove. *_* I wish I had a library card, lol. Sad Brunei's public library has... absolutely nothing. Then I noticed that that library books were all wrapped up nicely to protect from wear and tear. Then it gave me this idea to get out my old book covers (that are still hidden in our shelf) and wrap up my novels. Since I carry a book with me EVERYWHERE these days I should wrap them up because the covers and corners get creased in my bag. Excellent idea, Celine! Ehehehe.

Oh, and take care my Melbourne friends. Beginning of class, Mr. Grieves (he's a young English teacher from Williamstown, Melbourne) is like "Did you hear what the weather is in Melbourne today? They are reaching like 43 C!" Holy CRAP. Gahhhh. The weather is messed up. It's still raining daily here (although not as bad and not as often).

And since I wasn't blogging at New Years! Well it is Chinese New Years right now. I was always keen to copy Rachel's new year resolution. Since I think it applies to me too. And this is me copying her exactly word by word (I'm sorry Rachel).

New Years Resolution (Stolen from Rachel)
o1. Be less afraid. Not EVERYONE thinks you're a pest. It's okay to invite people out and ask people to spend some time with you.
o2. Be more active. (Read: GET A FUCKING JOB when in Melbourne. Or at least volunteer somewhere. DON'T SIT AT HOME ALONE ALL DAY AND STEW IN BRAINJUICES.)
o3. Think before you talk.
o4. Don't blame yourself all the time. :\ Sometimes people don't treat you like shit because you're a bad person. Sometimes people treat you like shit because they're douches.

I'm sad I already broke every resolution this year even before I decided to follow them. Except for number 2. Since I do too much volunteer stuff as it is. Hehe. Number 1 and 4 is a big one for me. Especially 4. Although I think I shouldn't blame myself, I also need to take responsibility for my actions. Since it can be my fault and I should consider that. I can't stand people who blame everyone else for their own faults.

Reply to comments...
@ Magdalene: Yeah, I read your blog! I love your post about loving your friends. It was really beautiful! Hehe, don't mind me I am a sucker for reflective writing. De-stress yourself! I'll always be here for you too, just as you've always been there for me. After all these years.
@ Akmal: Yes, sir! I will stay normal, sir! XD
@ Yi Xin: *huggles* Yes, mama.
@ Lesley: I find them online, I'm too lazy to make my own. I can give you some links if you want. And uhh... yes, mom. :D

And the slavery continues...

Okay, I know it's Day 2 of CNY and all and I'm sure you are all (okay maybe not Mag, lol) still visiting your friend's open houses, or gambling or something. Just pretend I'm a white chick and I don't celebrate CNY, so don't bother asking me what I did today CNY related since my 'celebration' ends yesterday (okay, I'm sure my relatives will have some dinner party on the last day but yeah that's about it). I don't even get ang pau's from a number of relatives anymore. LOL, either they hate me or they hate my family. Whatever, dunno, don't care. Just need mum, dad and my bro and life is fine. Yes. *nods*

I went to work back at ISB today. And the (self-imposed) 'slavery' continues. I walk in, Debbie (or Mrs. Canterford to everyone else) is like "Hi Dear" and within 2 minutes gives me a list of things I need to do that took me the entire day (aka 7 hours). I didn't run around as much as last week (last week was PAINFUL T.T *shudders*) thankfully. And the weather is good now (I don't have to walk through the rain anymore!) I'm actually pretty happy that I've settled into ISB quite nicely, she can now give me tasks and I don't really need to ask her what I'm supposed to do or who I'm supposed to find anymore (since I either already know where or who everyone, or I know how to go and find out myself). Oh yay, indepedance in the school. I generally just made a bunch of documents today Year 12/13 CAS related, and had a hoarde of Year 13's coming in and out looking for Debbie (who ran off somewhere half the time).

Just to finish things off I even skipped my usual Tuesday schedule (which is when I spent most of my day with Mr. Grieves and Mr. Barett - ah well - I did pop in to Mr. Barett's class asking whether he needed my help today). I had to go home without finishing everything I had to do (still need to sort out IB Year 12/13 Careers/Uni shelf with the books from various uni's in the world for Ms. Duce annnnd re-arrange the Principal's bulletin board with images, signs and stuff I made up, oh and to take down the old ones). Tomorrow is gonna have a lot... hmm, I need to work faster. T.T

You know, working with all this CAS stuff makes me wish there was CAS back in my days of ISB (okay, ignoring IB). Since now year 7 - 9 have to do CAS (I assume year 10 and 11 don't because of I/GCSE). It seems a lot more fun and I like how ISB now has like a million clubs because of CAS. There was nothing to join before. Meh. IB from what I've seen is too difficult so the CAS might be fun but more of a nuisance if you have a pile of work behind you. Although, it might be the CAS propaganda rubbing off on me (as Mrs. C has to advertise it of course) but I like the idea behind it. Oh, for the people reading this besides Mag, who dunno what CAS is. It's stands for Creative Action Service, it's a compulsory component in IB (that's a year 12/Foundation/A-Levels equivalent taught at ISB - called the 'best' but the most 'hardest' pre-uni course - even harder then uni apparently, or so they say). In IB, it's where they do like 150 hours of stuff that is not academics and studying. So if you are a quiet mouse who can only sit at a desk, memorise and write things you'll be in trouble as they'll force you to do community service, take part in group, team work and leadership activities, and make you do *GASP* SPORTS! It's probably a pain for some people, an ease for others but overall I think it's a good component since it develops you as an individual a lot better (cause seriously, the world doesn't need more really smart people who are smart but can't act it out confidently in a public or social environment). All the stuff you do is recorded in a diary you have to keep (which I think is awesome cause it's a great high school memento - wish I had one - seriously! I can't even remember myself anymore in ISB, I only have Mag, Manju and Liz to remind me of retarded things I did - or we did together in those days...).

CAS was adapted into the year 7 - 9 curriculum at ISB, where I think they take PSE (Personal Social Education) classes (taught by Debbie). I know they did stuff like first aid, look into AIDs, learn the importance of community service, caring for the environment, working / teaching with primary school kids on various projects. And the school trips like to Pusat Bahagia. I wish we had. Boo boo. Maybe doing other things beside studying would of made me grow up to be a more interesting person - not a book worm without any talents. T.T Meh. Whatever. Too late, I'm already past my teenage years. Gah, 20 now... I was sad I wasted my teenage years but then mum was like... 20's to 30's is the golden age. Instead of regretting make use and enjoy the next decade. Which I will. I definetely will. >.<

Rest of the day. Spent trying to finish one of my novels, Tony Parsons' "My Favourite Wife" because Ms. Natalia (at ISB) saw me reading it one day and wanted to borrow it from me (and possibly read and finish it before I leave). Since you can't buy much books in Brunei ('cept maybe the popular novels). But that's sort of going slowly. And I'm getting tired of reading a novel described as highly 'realistic' but not when it's about a guy being unfaithful to his loving wife and child because he had to fall to the temptations of a lonely Chinese mistress (who isn't a bad person - described as a 'practical' women - becoming a mistress for survival rather then calling her a prostitute for money). Sad thing is that this sort of thing happens way too often in the real world, and you can feel sorry for the people who have to sell sex for money (since I know - as they say, people don't become prostitutes or criminals because they want to - it's because they have no other choice but to - that or they were kidnapped) but it's also sad for the actual wife who spends her time at home run dry trying to care for their young child, sick Granddad and what not while the husband is off frolicking with a young woman in China. It's a lose lose situation for all ('cept maybe the man - until everyone finds out or he feels guilty). Heh, I can tell you many stories of people from Brunei or Malaysia where the wife was abandoned because the husband decided to pick up a Chinese mistress instead...

Thought I would get a new layout for the blog. Since I liked the last one but the column was too thin and it's making the page scroll too much. A pain to read. Took a good amount of time to get everything all pretty looking again (since the layout change made some things funky). I'm also surprised with the number of readers now... makes me self conscious you know. Haha. It used to be just Mag and Liz reading this everyday. But I still need a place to just ramble my thoughts of the day - at least for now anyway. Thanks to the others for comments and stuff. Or everyone's tendency to message me when I have to rant on my blog a bit to get things out. *huggles Xin, Akmal, Khanat, Phe-chan, Les and of course Mag and Liz* Don't every take what I say too seriously, I like to blog and be emo and what not but I'm the type of person who EXAGGERATES a lot. In other words, I make a big deal out of small matters. I don't know, it just sometimes seems like a big deal at the time? My mind seems to do that to me. Give me a few hours of recollection or a good night's sleep and I start asking myself what the hell was the problem to begin with.

At night, I barely ate much dinner. Actually, if I think about it I still don't eat properly (although I feel fine most of the day now). Hmm. Food is still a problem. I only ate random snacks for lunch and took a bite of dinner. Definitely bad for the health. Must work on that. *nods* I won't use the word 'recovery' but I want to be normal by mid-Feb. So I can return to Aus as happy as ever. So, I need to do everything as normal again. And that means I must eat. And I must not get sad the second I am found without anything to do (since my mind tends to wander when that happens, but it shouldn't wander in a negative direction...). Okay, this will work. I know it will. Anyway, after dinner was... video games with the bro and his gf. We normally play Bomberman, make retarded bets on what happens to the losers of each game, and try to beat each other so that we don't lose. I remember last year we betted my Harry Potter books and I lost every single one of them. *sobs* Still having to sleep at 11 PM or 12 AM every night cause of school starting at 7 AM. My dad is starting to get irritated at driving me apparently, lol. Keeps saying why I do it when there is no money involved (which is true, but I think I'm getting something out of it. I mean I really need to develop those interpersonal skills and you can't develop those sitting around playing games all day, or by reading a textbook - gotta get out into the world and interact with people in a professional sense to do that).