Yay, Chinese New Year! Gong Xi Fa Chai! I didn't really expect much of today, but I tried to keep myself busy enough so that I don't wallow in my shameless emo-ism. But my family don't visit people (cause we like to keep to ourselves - or they do anyway, I'm still in the "I don't mind socialising" stage - if I could). I woke up at around 9 AM a bit shaky, like... clutching onto my pillow for dear life. And I didn't feel too good. But I was like... this is fucking retarded and I am NOT gonna continue being like this so I sat up and decided to go downstairs. Mum was frying up the noodles you're supposed to eat for long life or whatever which was nice. Yeah, I ate lunch at 9:30 AM, lol. Let's see, you're supposed to wear new clothes on the first day of CNY or something, so I was like picking out what to wear from the stuff I got in KL.
At 10:30 AM we headed over to Grandmother's house, and sat around chatting with two of our uncles until 12. It was a bit dull cause like... adult talk. I'm not really that interested, haha. If you are wondering, I have a large family in Brunei but the fact that I never meet them nor do they ever meet us kind of shows you something regarding the state of affairs over here. Majority of my 'family' is overseas also... went somewhere for holiday or whatever. Then we went home and I was tired for some reason, so I took a nap. Hahaha. At around 1:30 got up to go to Laura's open house. My parents went elsewhere during that time. I was bored anyway, so yeah just hung at Laura's place for over an hour. It was sort of weird, cause technically she should attend to all the VIP's in her house but she used me as an excuse to sort of... not... do that. And one time when I was standing about and I ended up having to shake people's hands too. What I didn't realise was that one of the guys was like... the Japanese Embassador. T.T Uhh... *shuffles to the side a bit* Then there was the Singapore Embassador... and stuff (yeah... basically her front yard was full of cars from different embassies and ministers lol). Many VIPs in one place. O.o Uhh... at the house besides talking to Laura, I met her cousin Stephanie, and saw Afiqah and Ridwan - been years pretty much since I saw em'. I was hoping to see Nick or Jona though TBH since I thought they might come XD
Hmm. During a time when Laura was attending others, I was pretty bored lol. All I had was my mobile and I didn't know who to message. Normally I would like message.... uhh... >.> ....actually nevermind but yeah so then I sent it to Akmal since I figured he wouldn't mind me bothering him, haha. And he phoned and I'm sorry dude for killing your credit. Considering you were phoning from Malaysia. =.= But it was good to hear ya again haha I like the periods where it's just MSN and then ur like "kyaa~ I get to hear ya voice *__*" I had that last night with Khanat too in our very brief session of testing out his new headphones. XD
I was really surprised towards dinner! My family decided to eat dinner together. Me: O.O We're actually eating dinner together!! KYAAA~ <3 <3 Whooo hoooo~ the dinner was good but sadly I guess I still have an aversion to food or something. Since I felt really sick while eating (like I was gonna throw up) ... T.T ... but I tried my best to eat. I'm eating more now so hopefully I can slowly build it up and like... be normal again, lol. After dinner... more fireworks! We just set a few off since we didn't spend much on them this year. Uhh... I was scared to death but I managed to light one, lol. My bro and his gf are the fearless ones (cause they've lit too many to care). We had one set of fireworks that is supposed to like... spin... into the air, but it sometimes doesn't work. It was funny it backfired three times (out of six). First time we didn't know what was gonna happen so it just basically went kaboom right in front of us and we were like "O.O OMG!!!! AHHH!!". LOL, fireworks up close (too close o.o) Second time it backfired we ran for it (I hid behind the car, while the family hid behind poles) and did the same thing. LOL, the third one was the big one. Uhh... bro was lighting it, but it backfired by shooting towards us to our house and got caught under the roof and sort of crashlanded right in front of us - by this time we all ran away already except for my bro who sort of like tried to protect himself but didn't run and we were all like screaming our heads off for him to run before the thing blew up... but then it never did luckily o.o almost gave us all a heart attack). Bro said he didn't run cause he was like... "It was too late for me to run!! Gotta try to save myself another way" =.=
After that... played some games with bro and his gf then we went to watch a movie in our living room. "I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry" or something like that. An Adam Sandler movie about two straight men getting married to commit fraud and having to live a gay life to avoid it. It was excellent!!! (okay even though it got bad reviews lol) YI XIN, WE ARE SOOO WATCHING THIS WHEN WE GET BACK TO MELB!! Everyone together!! Seriously, it's a must!! Ahahahahaha XD XD Reminds me of our time of watching umm... Good Luck Chuck. Hehe, that was something I'll always remember....
Anyway it's 10:40 PM for me I should try to sleep by 11 PM-ish. Since work starts tomorrow ~ yay for waking up at 6 AM and getting to school by 7 AM. *nods* Liz is coming by tomorrow to see if she can get a placement at ISB too, that would be awesome cause then I'll have someone to chat to and eat lunch with~ :D :D
Monday, 26 January 2009
Sunday, 25 January 2009
Chinese New Year Eve
Hah, this is funny. I'm basically spending my CNY eve talking to Lesley, Sam, Tom, Drue and James #2. Yay for me [sarcasm] =.=. Anyway, today... I woke up at like 9 AM after going to sleep at 3 AM. It was rare for me to sleep at 3 AM actually but I was sort of having fun talking to Mag and Akmal I didn't feel like sleeping, haha. Anyway, my mum woke me up via text message (cause she knows out of habit now for some reasons I know you guys can guess I keep my mobile next to me these days- even though there is no longer any point to that...) basically writing that they were going up now so I better get my ass up to join them, lol. So I dragged myself out of bed and went out for umm... errands and then lunch.
I was really dizzy for some reason, and I sort of felt I was gonna like... faint walking down the street, lol. I think the whole... not eating thing is sort of affecting my everyday health now XD But yeah, I ate a lot today to make up for it. *nods* Well... for lunch anyway. I barely ate anything for dinner actually if I think about it... Hmm. Yeah, after lunch I came home... and... slept for hours, lol cause I was tired. And there was nothing to do. I got up and uhh.. emotion wise I was in a weird mood. But yeah... for some reason I felt the need to get to the phone and talk to someone. Anyone. But I can't think of who to call. Or more like I can't think of who I can call, who wouldn't shove the phone down on me in annoyance - or at least want to hear me out. To just understand me. Or to not make me feel even more worthless as a person. Don't blame me I'm really wary and afraid of ... some people these days. So yeah... I phoned Manju and luckily it was like the rare day where she wasn't having dance practice in the afternoon. So we managed to chat and gossip for like an hour. Hehe. She really lifted my moods (thanks manj if ur reading this <3). She always knows what to say to me, hehe. Maybe cause she's just too kind or maybe just because after 12 years I'm too familiar with her already. Anyway, after that we went out to uhh.. buy firecrackers and to pick up food for tomororw. The place we were at... I didn't know it belonged to my mum's cousin or something. O.o
Then got home... and went out again since it was nearing 6:30 PM and we had to like pick up food for tonight for Grandmother's house. Uhh... yeah, I got there and no one and I mean literally no one except my Grandma was there. Me (and Mum and Dad): T.T lol well it figures >.> Basically this is my mum's side of the family (I dunno anyone in my dad's family and I never will - long story behind that one) but yeah... over a decade people slowly decided not to meet up anymore so CNY is pitiful with just a few of us. So it wasn't really much... and there was even less people this year then last year so uhh... me and my bro just sat in front of the TV the entire time watching Rush Hour, lol.
I was looking for something to drink but when I opened the fridge there was nothing in there except for beer. Me: .... T.T .... *walks over to bro* "Ko, there's nothing to drink except for bro :(" ... my bro: .................... hmph (he sort of stiffled a laugh bro had this WTF this is a waste of time face the entire time >.>) Umm... yeah there wasn't really anyone for me to talk to - it's just me, bro and 3 [male] cousins who are like... young and stuff but yeah they don't talk very much and my bro isn't a very friendly person when his gf isn't around (if ya ask me hahaha). I am very sad I'm the youngest female in my generation of the family... I wonder what it is like to have a female cousin that is near to your age *__* I'm so jealous of the people who have them... she could be like a friend *__*... so niceee.... yeah my cousins are like 30...or more. And I don't really know them ... see them like once every 4 years, lol.
Anyway, after like 2 hours we left (oh yay my CNY~ two hour dinner in silence. T.T) went home and yeah... I just sat around on the comp since my bro after that spent the entire time on the phone with his gf (seriously, they see each other every single hour of the day and is apart for like 2 hours and still manage to be able to talk on the phone for 2 hours lol). Mum and dad were watching football and didn't talk very much. >.> On the way home from Grandma's house I saw a lot of houses with people sitting around a table, eating, steam boat, playing mahjong and stuff. Makes me jealous... a bad emotion I know. That I shouldn't have... but... I can't help it. =.= I just wonder what it's like to have a family like that sometimes.....
Okay, times like this I must heed Samuel's words. Look at what you do have, Celine, not what ya don't. *nods* Yeah... I need to really imprint that into my heart. ^^;; Must~ must~ a lot of people have it a million times worse. I need to remember and understand that. Hmm, first day tomorrow won't be anything for me. I don't have family or friends to visit. Oh well, it's life. It's life. It's okay. It's okay.... meh, I need to find someone or something to distract myself with. I'm so sad no one is really online (but I can't really ask anymore of people can I... haha everyone should have fun tonight *nods* I was thinking of stopping to talk to anyone cause I have a feeling I'm just ruining everyone's mood these days - if I need to cry I should go cry alone XD shouldn't drag anyone else with me... yeah.. I really shouldn't... I'm such an idiot)
.... I so hate myself, I need to have one day where I'm not crying. Seriously. This is so fucking retarded I'm so tired of this already. Shit, I'm so tired of being like this already. Feel sick every single minute of the day, I don't even know what the hell is wrong and I don't think there is anything wrong. I'm just being an idiot right now these past few weeks. A stupid idiot. Stupid idiot who can't just appreciate being alive as a blessing. I'm basically destroying myself on my own for no good reason. >.<
I was really dizzy for some reason, and I sort of felt I was gonna like... faint walking down the street, lol. I think the whole... not eating thing is sort of affecting my everyday health now XD But yeah, I ate a lot today to make up for it. *nods* Well... for lunch anyway. I barely ate anything for dinner actually if I think about it... Hmm. Yeah, after lunch I came home... and... slept for hours, lol cause I was tired. And there was nothing to do. I got up and uhh.. emotion wise I was in a weird mood. But yeah... for some reason I felt the need to get to the phone and talk to someone. Anyone. But I can't think of who to call. Or more like I can't think of who I can call, who wouldn't shove the phone down on me in annoyance - or at least want to hear me out. To just understand me. Or to not make me feel even more worthless as a person. Don't blame me I'm really wary and afraid of ... some people these days. So yeah... I phoned Manju and luckily it was like the rare day where she wasn't having dance practice in the afternoon. So we managed to chat and gossip for like an hour. Hehe. She really lifted my moods (thanks manj if ur reading this <3). She always knows what to say to me, hehe. Maybe cause she's just too kind or maybe just because after 12 years I'm too familiar with her already. Anyway, after that we went out to uhh.. buy firecrackers and to pick up food for tomororw. The place we were at... I didn't know it belonged to my mum's cousin or something. O.o
Then got home... and went out again since it was nearing 6:30 PM and we had to like pick up food for tonight for Grandmother's house. Uhh... yeah, I got there and no one and I mean literally no one except my Grandma was there. Me (and Mum and Dad): T.T lol well it figures >.> Basically this is my mum's side of the family (I dunno anyone in my dad's family and I never will - long story behind that one) but yeah... over a decade people slowly decided not to meet up anymore so CNY is pitiful with just a few of us. So it wasn't really much... and there was even less people this year then last year so uhh... me and my bro just sat in front of the TV the entire time watching Rush Hour, lol.
I was looking for something to drink but when I opened the fridge there was nothing in there except for beer. Me: .... T.T .... *walks over to bro* "Ko, there's nothing to drink except for bro :(" ... my bro: .................... hmph (he sort of stiffled a laugh bro had this WTF this is a waste of time face the entire time >.>) Umm... yeah there wasn't really anyone for me to talk to - it's just me, bro and 3 [male] cousins who are like... young and stuff but yeah they don't talk very much and my bro isn't a very friendly person when his gf isn't around (if ya ask me hahaha). I am very sad I'm the youngest female in my generation of the family... I wonder what it is like to have a female cousin that is near to your age *__* I'm so jealous of the people who have them... she could be like a friend *__*... so niceee.... yeah my cousins are like 30...or more. And I don't really know them ... see them like once every 4 years, lol.
Anyway, after like 2 hours we left (oh yay my CNY~ two hour dinner in silence. T.T) went home and yeah... I just sat around on the comp since my bro after that spent the entire time on the phone with his gf (seriously, they see each other every single hour of the day and is apart for like 2 hours and still manage to be able to talk on the phone for 2 hours lol). Mum and dad were watching football and didn't talk very much. >.> On the way home from Grandma's house I saw a lot of houses with people sitting around a table, eating, steam boat, playing mahjong and stuff. Makes me jealous... a bad emotion I know. That I shouldn't have... but... I can't help it. =.= I just wonder what it's like to have a family like that sometimes.....
Okay, times like this I must heed Samuel's words. Look at what you do have, Celine, not what ya don't. *nods* Yeah... I need to really imprint that into my heart. ^^;; Must~ must~ a lot of people have it a million times worse. I need to remember and understand that. Hmm, first day tomorrow won't be anything for me. I don't have family or friends to visit. Oh well, it's life. It's life. It's okay. It's okay.... meh, I need to find someone or something to distract myself with. I'm so sad no one is really online (but I can't really ask anymore of people can I... haha everyone should have fun tonight *nods* I was thinking of stopping to talk to anyone cause I have a feeling I'm just ruining everyone's mood these days - if I need to cry I should go cry alone XD shouldn't drag anyone else with me... yeah.. I really shouldn't... I'm such an idiot)
.... I so hate myself, I need to have one day where I'm not crying. Seriously. This is so fucking retarded I'm so tired of this already. Shit, I'm so tired of being like this already. Feel sick every single minute of the day, I don't even know what the hell is wrong and I don't think there is anything wrong. I'm just being an idiot right now these past few weeks. A stupid idiot. Stupid idiot who can't just appreciate being alive as a blessing. I'm basically destroying myself on my own for no good reason. >.<
The sky keeps crying...
Let's see... I had a shit-ass day where I was upset for the entire time. I forced myself to sleep until 10:30 AM (but that didn't work to well I was awake by 5:30 and tormented the entire time - I have trouble sleeping these days anyway .... ironic, since I just want to be asleep - it's the only time I find peace). Uhh... I had nothing to do today and well... the books distraction is starting to wear off (it might be largely because of the content of the books I am reading... it's all romance but some particular ones... the men are all idiots and disloyal and cheating T.T) so I basically woke up in the morning... read for a few hours and continued sleeping on my couch.
For most of the day. In the evening... well dinner was alone... and I didn't feel like eating. So.. I threw most of it away. No, I'm not gonna die from malnutrition, guys - don't worry. And yes, I did sort of... faint a bit in the afternoon (not really, okay I tried to get up but after 1 minute standing by the window I blacked out but I could still feel myself standing so I tumbled onto the couch as I didn't want to collapse on the tiled floor so I fell over on that - I could move after a few minutes - I assumed that was just from sleeping too much since I get dizzy when I sleep too much). By night I was edgy and frantic and I was afraid of having another... fit.. or seizure more like it like last night but Xin Xin and Akmal (and Khanat and Mag) were around to keep be distracted so <3 ya guys~ Hehe, it helped me loads... I can sleep peacefully tonight at least. For their sake at least I'll be happy tonight... ^^
For most of the day. In the evening... well dinner was alone... and I didn't feel like eating. So.. I threw most of it away. No, I'm not gonna die from malnutrition, guys - don't worry. And yes, I did sort of... faint a bit in the afternoon (not really, okay I tried to get up but after 1 minute standing by the window I blacked out but I could still feel myself standing so I tumbled onto the couch as I didn't want to collapse on the tiled floor so I fell over on that - I could move after a few minutes - I assumed that was just from sleeping too much since I get dizzy when I sleep too much). By night I was edgy and frantic and I was afraid of having another... fit.. or seizure more like it like last night but Xin Xin and Akmal (and Khanat and Mag) were around to keep be distracted so <3 ya guys~ Hehe, it helped me loads... I can sleep peacefully tonight at least. For their sake at least I'll be happy tonight... ^^
Saturday, 24 January 2009
And I'm crying again. Once again. Seriously... can I just fall asleep and not wake up? I don't want to think anymore. I don't want to hate myself anymore. I don't want to think I'm not good enough for anyone anymore. I don't want to think I'm below anyone else anymore. I don't want to be looked down upon anymore. I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not anymore. I'm tired. Really. Of everything. Of this world, of the different types of people in this world, of everything that happens because people are so different.
In the end I'm just a fool who is always and always has been envious of everyone else. Everyone else who lives in a different way, confident of themselves, liked by themselves, liked by everyone else. Like I always knew, I'm someone who has hated myself for as long as I can remember - and because of that I've never gotten anywhere. I've regretted my life more then you can imagine (and I'm only 20) and it's just mortifying to think I can't turn back time. I don't want to die regretting the life I lead but I think in the end I'll end up that way too. And that thought is something I just can't take sometimes. People told me that I can change. So I tried to change. But I didn't change. I was 'pretending'. I don't think I can pretend anymore. I haven't changed a single bit.
I hate it. I hate it all. I hate it all. I hate it so much. Why does time even have to move at all... all I hear every single day from various people is how stupid I am. How useless I am. How I can't do anything. I can't even hear anything good anymore. And it's all true. I'm the most useless pathetic person I know... I can't think of one redeeming feature, and I'm never good enough for anybody. I'm always the second-best, the sub-par, the second choice, the whatever. Someone you'll get tired of eventually, someone who isn't worth your time. If you're smart, you should be like everyone else and throw me away as fast as you can. You'll be happier with someone else. Everyone else always was when they did that. I'm not someone worth keeping... I'm not someone worth your time...
I'm sorry to my friends. But I needed to get that out. It's why this blog exists. If you don't want to see this part of Celine, then please don't read this anymore. Just look at the facade I always try to put up... that is, if I even have the strength to put it up anymore.
I just want to sleep for a very long time now... and not wake up. I can't eat anymore, I can't seem to sleep properly... I don't want to sit around and stare at a wall all day. I feel like I'm gonna slowly go crazy like this...
In the end I'm just a fool who is always and always has been envious of everyone else. Everyone else who lives in a different way, confident of themselves, liked by themselves, liked by everyone else. Like I always knew, I'm someone who has hated myself for as long as I can remember - and because of that I've never gotten anywhere. I've regretted my life more then you can imagine (and I'm only 20) and it's just mortifying to think I can't turn back time. I don't want to die regretting the life I lead but I think in the end I'll end up that way too. And that thought is something I just can't take sometimes. People told me that I can change. So I tried to change. But I didn't change. I was 'pretending'. I don't think I can pretend anymore. I haven't changed a single bit.
I hate it. I hate it all. I hate it all. I hate it so much. Why does time even have to move at all... all I hear every single day from various people is how stupid I am. How useless I am. How I can't do anything. I can't even hear anything good anymore. And it's all true. I'm the most useless pathetic person I know... I can't think of one redeeming feature, and I'm never good enough for anybody. I'm always the second-best, the sub-par, the second choice, the whatever. Someone you'll get tired of eventually, someone who isn't worth your time. If you're smart, you should be like everyone else and throw me away as fast as you can. You'll be happier with someone else. Everyone else always was when they did that. I'm not someone worth keeping... I'm not someone worth your time...
I'm sorry to my friends. But I needed to get that out. It's why this blog exists. If you don't want to see this part of Celine, then please don't read this anymore. Just look at the facade I always try to put up... that is, if I even have the strength to put it up anymore.
I just want to sleep for a very long time now... and not wake up. I can't eat anymore, I can't seem to sleep properly... I don't want to sit around and stare at a wall all day. I feel like I'm gonna slowly go crazy like this...
Friday, 23 January 2009
Encounters at Hua Ho...
*hugs Akmal, Les, Xin and Mag* XD <3 Thanks guys for your concern... I like how all 4 of you used different methods to pass me a message (by SMS, blog comment, msn and email, lol). Don't get me wrong though... it wasn't cause no one was online. There were people there. It's just that... I don't think I should talk to anyone anymore. Because of what a certain someone said. Holding things in might be the right way to go. Being too honest doesn't seem to get me anywhere. Being too honest seems to just get me hated. But thanks for being there. I started sniffing after reading Magdalene's email... ^^
Anyway... had a very bad night last night. Woke up several hundred times, my heartbeat is always going so fast I seem to be hallucinating heart pains now =.= I try to ignore all that but I did notice my chest was hurting here and there.... Got up today, uhh... I've been a zombie today. Like... expressionless. Emotionless. Just sort of... huh, what.. oh... yeah... whatever to everything. I really didn't have the strength to be all hyper and happy as usual. Yeah, I pretend a lot but it only goes a certain distance before I deem it too long (or I'll try more tomorrow but I'm too tired today to care). Went to ISB at 7 AM but it was closed again. =.= So I went back home and took a nap since I try to keep myself unconscious (okay asleep) as long as possible since I don't really want to be awake anymore, after that... continued reading "New Moon" then went out for lunch with my parents. After that we were just hobbling around Hua Ho looking for stuff but couldn't find it so we had to go to two different Hua Ho's. At Hua Ho Manggis (the one nearer to my house) I brought more novels (Like that chick in shopaholic, I'm a spend thrift... I tend to buy things when I'm like..down)... then went down to join my parents in the veggie section. Mum was like.. "Oh, look it's Laura's father! Go say hi" (note: I was still a zombie during this time) so I was like.. "Huh.... What? Really? Uhh.....wha...". Apparently mum said he was staring at me as I was wandering about the veggie section, lol. Umm... cause I was really out of it I'm a bit upset that I think I was too rude to her family (I should of greeted everyone more properly - stupid stupid me... but I didn't even know who was who - plus I am not used to talking anymore... good god I dunno what's gonna happen when I return to Aus @.@ I'll be expected to talk again during o-week!! >.< ... I feel like just hiding in a corner). Anyway we went to say hi and stuff, and he told me Laura was around somewhere too (oh for any ISB-ians reading this.. yeah Laura as in Laura Chong, lol). He then went off somewhere I guess to tell Laura I was there since she came up after that.
We just had the usual small talk, she asked me to go to lunch or something and to go to her open house too. So yeah... I was like, just facebook whatever details. I mean it's not like you can go out right now anyway there is still no electricity anywhere. And apparenlty tonight there is gonna be a 'great storm'... although the storms now are no longer jokes because the landslides have already killed a few people and... we really don't need anymore. My relatives place are flooding also (I'm fine just because we live too far away from the commericial district and I live on a hill).
Anyway, after that we didn't really talk much (well me and Laura I guess are sort of old friends... since I knew her since I was 11 or something but we weren't really that close, I would even feel weird going to lunch cause ya know... I am not really with that group of people she's always with...) so she went off back to her family. Then mum went to talk to even more people. Turns out it was Laura's aunt and uncle. And my mum knew them too since they live in Canada and was like best friends with my uncle or something (and we lived in Canada too for a while). I was like.... why does everyone know each other... lol, what the I dunno anyone O.O I call this the Brunei chinese family effect. Since all these bandar Chinese families were close like 20 years ago so they all know each other, lol. Well... I only know Laura cause she went to ISB and is the only one also who went to Monash (and stayed in the Halls - oh besides Rohit but that guy is never coming back to Brunei anyway nor is he Bruneian to begin with). She's going back to Aus pretty early... I guess she's bored of Brunei too (and she has awesome plans in Aus anyway, beach house *___*... so nicceeee).
Anyway, back at home. Bah Kuh Teh dinner. Today was the last day of eating lunch outside since pretty much every place we like to go to is closed until the 30th of Jan. I am trying to eat more cause like... I wanna lose more weight (still consider myself fat no matter what anyone tells me T.T but maybe I do that thing they say that every girl shoves 10 pounds onto herself moreso then how anyone else sees her *shrugs* Can't help it) but yeah, my partial attempt at starvation isn't the healthy way to go sooo I would rather not have things go that way. Although I sort of like it when I see my relatives and stuff... they are all like O.O ur no longer fat!! lol so I can actually stand next to my brother with a bit more pride. I still hate my chubby face but I think mum or dad said to keep the chubby kiddy look at least you still look young compared to some other ppl who grow up too fast (I like how ppl still think I'm a high school kid when I'm 20 already... =D).
Anyway, CNY will be very boring as usual. No idea what to do... guess I'll just read all my novels (I have around 6 to get through before I leave). Not really looking forward to seeing the relatives on the 25th, like I'll see much of them anyway. Since most of them go overseas to some fancy place >.> I wonder what it's like to have a CNY when the whole family has a nice large dinner at someone's house and just have lots of fun chatting away with their cousins and karaoke and stuff... well that's how I hear it from some people and on TV and stuff. My family sort of stopped that dinner thing when I was young and right now a few people get together for dinner but every year the house is very... eery and quiet... and no one really talks much. I dunno I think it's cause everyone is too miserable or not liking each other, so I really hate the atmostphere. I should be like my bro, indifferent to all of that he rather just stay home and play CS with his girlfriend, lol (although that might be the thing with my bro - he has his gf no one else matters nor will he ever care) haha I wish I could have someone as important as that... or be as important as that... but the chance of that happening is next to nothing.
I have not really gone outside for fun since the 10th of Jan. I wonder if I should see whether Manj has time to go out again (but her performance is on the 30th... I really should not phone her and bother her anymore >.< I have bothered her enough already with my bday...). Liz is in Singapore... mmm... dad brought up the topic of me not coming home next year again. I dunno... it's not like I'll be any better off in Aus. I'll be just as alone there too, I mean the house is empty anyway and people would have moved out by next year... gah, I am slowly chipping away my hope I really should not do that. T.T
The future is frightening though.
Anyway... had a very bad night last night. Woke up several hundred times, my heartbeat is always going so fast I seem to be hallucinating heart pains now =.= I try to ignore all that but I did notice my chest was hurting here and there.... Got up today, uhh... I've been a zombie today. Like... expressionless. Emotionless. Just sort of... huh, what.. oh... yeah... whatever to everything. I really didn't have the strength to be all hyper and happy as usual. Yeah, I pretend a lot but it only goes a certain distance before I deem it too long (or I'll try more tomorrow but I'm too tired today to care). Went to ISB at 7 AM but it was closed again. =.= So I went back home and took a nap since I try to keep myself unconscious (okay asleep) as long as possible since I don't really want to be awake anymore, after that... continued reading "New Moon" then went out for lunch with my parents. After that we were just hobbling around Hua Ho looking for stuff but couldn't find it so we had to go to two different Hua Ho's. At Hua Ho Manggis (the one nearer to my house) I brought more novels (Like that chick in shopaholic, I'm a spend thrift... I tend to buy things when I'm like..down)... then went down to join my parents in the veggie section. Mum was like.. "Oh, look it's Laura's father! Go say hi" (note: I was still a zombie during this time) so I was like.. "Huh.... What? Really? Uhh.....wha...". Apparently mum said he was staring at me as I was wandering about the veggie section, lol. Umm... cause I was really out of it I'm a bit upset that I think I was too rude to her family (I should of greeted everyone more properly - stupid stupid me... but I didn't even know who was who - plus I am not used to talking anymore... good god I dunno what's gonna happen when I return to Aus @.@ I'll be expected to talk again during o-week!! >.< ... I feel like just hiding in a corner). Anyway we went to say hi and stuff, and he told me Laura was around somewhere too (oh for any ISB-ians reading this.. yeah Laura as in Laura Chong, lol). He then went off somewhere I guess to tell Laura I was there since she came up after that.
We just had the usual small talk, she asked me to go to lunch or something and to go to her open house too. So yeah... I was like, just facebook whatever details. I mean it's not like you can go out right now anyway there is still no electricity anywhere. And apparenlty tonight there is gonna be a 'great storm'... although the storms now are no longer jokes because the landslides have already killed a few people and... we really don't need anymore. My relatives place are flooding also (I'm fine just because we live too far away from the commericial district and I live on a hill).
Anyway, after that we didn't really talk much (well me and Laura I guess are sort of old friends... since I knew her since I was 11 or something but we weren't really that close, I would even feel weird going to lunch cause ya know... I am not really with that group of people she's always with...) so she went off back to her family. Then mum went to talk to even more people. Turns out it was Laura's aunt and uncle. And my mum knew them too since they live in Canada and was like best friends with my uncle or something (and we lived in Canada too for a while). I was like.... why does everyone know each other... lol, what the I dunno anyone O.O I call this the Brunei chinese family effect. Since all these bandar Chinese families were close like 20 years ago so they all know each other, lol. Well... I only know Laura cause she went to ISB and is the only one also who went to Monash (and stayed in the Halls - oh besides Rohit but that guy is never coming back to Brunei anyway nor is he Bruneian to begin with). She's going back to Aus pretty early... I guess she's bored of Brunei too (and she has awesome plans in Aus anyway, beach house *___*... so nicceeee).
Anyway, back at home. Bah Kuh Teh dinner. Today was the last day of eating lunch outside since pretty much every place we like to go to is closed until the 30th of Jan. I am trying to eat more cause like... I wanna lose more weight (still consider myself fat no matter what anyone tells me T.T but maybe I do that thing they say that every girl shoves 10 pounds onto herself moreso then how anyone else sees her *shrugs* Can't help it) but yeah, my partial attempt at starvation isn't the healthy way to go sooo I would rather not have things go that way. Although I sort of like it when I see my relatives and stuff... they are all like O.O ur no longer fat!! lol so I can actually stand next to my brother with a bit more pride. I still hate my chubby face but I think mum or dad said to keep the chubby kiddy look at least you still look young compared to some other ppl who grow up too fast (I like how ppl still think I'm a high school kid when I'm 20 already... =D).
Anyway, CNY will be very boring as usual. No idea what to do... guess I'll just read all my novels (I have around 6 to get through before I leave). Not really looking forward to seeing the relatives on the 25th, like I'll see much of them anyway. Since most of them go overseas to some fancy place >.> I wonder what it's like to have a CNY when the whole family has a nice large dinner at someone's house and just have lots of fun chatting away with their cousins and karaoke and stuff... well that's how I hear it from some people and on TV and stuff. My family sort of stopped that dinner thing when I was young and right now a few people get together for dinner but every year the house is very... eery and quiet... and no one really talks much. I dunno I think it's cause everyone is too miserable or not liking each other, so I really hate the atmostphere. I should be like my bro, indifferent to all of that he rather just stay home and play CS with his girlfriend, lol (although that might be the thing with my bro - he has his gf no one else matters nor will he ever care) haha I wish I could have someone as important as that... or be as important as that... but the chance of that happening is next to nothing.
I have not really gone outside for fun since the 10th of Jan. I wonder if I should see whether Manj has time to go out again (but her performance is on the 30th... I really should not phone her and bother her anymore >.< I have bothered her enough already with my bday...). Liz is in Singapore... mmm... dad brought up the topic of me not coming home next year again. I dunno... it's not like I'll be any better off in Aus. I'll be just as alone there too, I mean the house is empty anyway and people would have moved out by next year... gah, I am slowly chipping away my hope I really should not do that. T.T
The future is frightening though.
I feel like shit right now. Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit. I go on MSN, I go on MCAC's forum chat. I don't see anyone online I can talk to. The more I'm like this the more people grow to hate me. The more they want to leave me. I dunno what to do, I dunno what to think I don't want to think. Somebody save me please...
Thursday, 22 January 2009
No Electricity...
*looks out the window* And it is still raining. According to the weatherman, 23rd - 29th will be pouring unless the clouds shift or blow away. It'll be a very wet CNY if that is the case. I don't really care since I don't go out much for CNY anyway (nothing is open, and no - I don't have friends or relatives to visit unlike everyone else). I'll probably sleep the days away and just continue reading books (well, I only have a day off for the first day anyway, from second day onwards I'm back at ISB - I guess they don't have holidays anymore for CNY like they used to). Flooding does not affect me much but I would rather not have all the power stations go down again. Cause the Gadong station went down most of Gadong, Kiarong and Kiulap have no electricity and it is gonna last for days...
Let's see. I got up at 6 AM as usual, when I went to ISB at 7 AM I saw Mr. C standing outside with a huge whiteboard that says "School Closed. No electricity or water." Me and my parents were like, "Yay! Day off for you!!!" LOL I would be so happy if I was actually a student. I wonder if there will be school tomorrow since the power will not be fixed by then either. Can't decide whether I should be bothered to get up or not, but it would be bad if there is school and I dun show up or inform Mrs. C... rather sadly I dun have her mobile number either (I should have really got it).
Yay, got home... and finished off reading 'Confessions of a Shopaholic'. Hehe, a rather nice ending. I like the climax of every story in these chick lits, when the selfish main character realises what a selfish bitch she has been and takes the actions needed to change her life for the better. Okay, main character still is a money spending materialist, but at least at the end she was shown to be capable of feeling for others. Normally I prefer reading books that don't fall under the chick lit category, like more dramatic ones since they tend to pass off a more powerful message and I like reading these things (it's like how I like reading poetry too). Since chick-lits are obviously not written to give you things to think about. But yeah... these messages... probably because I sometimes need these messages to be drilled into my head (honestly, if I wrote a novel basing the main charater off me she would be the biggest bitch to walk this planet). It's like how I remember watching '1 Litre of Tears', it got me through MUFY (during exams where I had that... rather... nasty "I did not talk for one week" thing). Since uhh... I remember the main message the actual girl in real life was trying to pass off was something along the lines of "Just being alive is already a beautiful thing". Which is so very true. Reminds me of what Samuel told me I had to do also. Look at what is around you already, not beyond that, or before that.
Afternoon... took a nap then started on the next book! During my freetime in ISB, I'm still reading on with Tony Parsons' "My Favourite Wife" which I'll be done with soon. It has taken me ages since I don't have that much freetime in ISB these days (in the beginning it was fine but... Mrs. C is increasingly giving me more things to do? I wonder if it's because at first it was the start of the term... now things are starting to get off the ground and BGIC is getting closer, clubs are starting... yeah....). Didn't know what to start with next so... just went with "New Moon". The second book of Twilight. Heh. I did not enjoy the first as much but might be because it was like reading the same thing again since the movie is based off it (however much scenes they took out). At least "New Moon" will be new material!
Today's the 22nd of Jan... exactly one month until my flight to Aus. I have mixed feelings now I guess. I love my family and I love my home. Heck, I love Brunei. Okay, the please isn't exactly exciting but... it's a familiar place to me I guess. Somewhere that feels like home. I don't think I'm someone suited to live in large cities anyway. I could never stand the traffic, the pollution, the noise, the mass amount of people everywhere. It'll make me go all @.@ after a while (although I guess I can easily adapt even if you do suddenly shove me to live in Hong Kong or something... or I think anyway). I am so very happy I'm living in Melbourne's surburbs rather then like... live on Arrow on Swanston like Manj, Din and the others walking to RMIT everyday 3 minutes away. It's a different kind of life but I dunno whether I really want all that hustle and bustle in the city.
Mind you, the only attachment I really still have to this country is with my parents. Sometimes this resolve of mine wavers (as with last night, as I was huddled under my blanket in fear, pain and tears once again - covering my ears - and if you know me you know why I am like this rather often) but I remind myself that I still gotta hold on to them. In the end, I can still see that I always have a home with mum and dad. It doesn't mean that I should not aspire to find more happiness for myself, since I dunno how many people told me already that I shouldn't hold back either. If I do I'll probably grow old, bitter in regret just like... well... certain people I know. But I'll still stick to my resolve that I will find happiness for myself, but not at the expense of everyone else. I don't want to be happy stepping on others and taking away their right. The world is like a mesh of different wants and desires by everyone around you. Because not everyone's wants are the same - that's where conflict and clashes occur. If I truly want to be happy, sure... I could step on everyone and head towards where I want to go. But, this isn't something I think I could ever do. So I don't think it's wrong to compromise, and to make some sacrifices to what you want for someone else. As long as in the end I can still see some form of what I wanted at the end of the path.
Now onto more emo-ness in this blog! You know you want it, hah. Okay, I don't know how it happened but I think reading Twilight has this effect on me. So I started on "New Moon" and after a while I would stop and... think about... stuff. That happened last year. In October and November. Stuff that I would be willing to have amnesia for, and to erase from my mind forever. I immediately stopped reading, sort of stared blankly at the wall for like an hour then realised what I was doing. And I felt sick to the very core. A mix of anger, sadness and just pure loathing... for, I've no idea what. Probably myself. For being like this. So I tried to stop thinking altoghter and went off to sit in front of the TV with my parents. That only lasted 5 minutes because they were watching Larry King live. I went back and grabbed another book in my room, and started another new book. I had one more novel unread by Sophie Kinsella (her newest one - "Remember Me?"). I think my current nerves can't handle dark romance like Twilight. Cause I was reading this in the beginning of January also and if you know me you know how I was during that time. Then my mood was more pleasant after I finished that and started on Shopaholic. Maybe Kinsella's lighthearted writing and her goofy female leads is just more healthier for me for now.
When I run out of chick-lits to read I think I may have to go out to buy more, lol. Even though I didn't want to buy anymore new books for now. But the remaining books I have are like... dramatic and too dark for my current state of mind. Yeah, need more romantic stories about hopelessly stupid women who find the perfect one in the end when they decide to change a bit. Heh. It's flawed writing that lacks essential meaning at times, but I can easily see why chick-lits appeal to housewives and women between their 20's and 30's. Everyone finds different ways to get their mind off things, to find themselves hope and inspiration. A lot of people make fun of chick-lits, and its reputation for being trashy writing. So it isn't Dan Brown, or Shakespeare. But it makes me laugh (it's pretty amazing if a pile of words in a book can make me laugh and giggle like a little girl), and honestly... I gotta give the authors credit for that.
I was looking at my luggage today. I slowly filled it up with stuff, and I went to arrange it today. I have a lot more to put in (cause new clothes, random items and MCAC stuff which I have not bought yet) needs to be shoved in. But it's already full as it is. I am so dead, haha. I'll be having an extra box with me this time. I hope I don't overweight...excessivly. I dunno what I will do if that happens (I don't even know what I should take out to lighten the load). Worry about that closer to the date. One more month... I'm counting on day by day. Like I'm hanging on day by day. I think I know what I want right now though. I WANT to go back, but I think I'm trying to surpress this want and tell myself I don't want to go back because I feel bad for my parents. They want to see me more then anything, so I should want to see them more then anything to. It just feels wrong for me to want to see anyone else. Especially if they don't return the same feeling. And thus the chaos seems to continue in my heart.
Let's see. I got up at 6 AM as usual, when I went to ISB at 7 AM I saw Mr. C standing outside with a huge whiteboard that says "School Closed. No electricity or water." Me and my parents were like, "Yay! Day off for you!!!" LOL I would be so happy if I was actually a student. I wonder if there will be school tomorrow since the power will not be fixed by then either. Can't decide whether I should be bothered to get up or not, but it would be bad if there is school and I dun show up or inform Mrs. C... rather sadly I dun have her mobile number either (I should have really got it).
Yay, got home... and finished off reading 'Confessions of a Shopaholic'. Hehe, a rather nice ending. I like the climax of every story in these chick lits, when the selfish main character realises what a selfish bitch she has been and takes the actions needed to change her life for the better. Okay, main character still is a money spending materialist, but at least at the end she was shown to be capable of feeling for others. Normally I prefer reading books that don't fall under the chick lit category, like more dramatic ones since they tend to pass off a more powerful message and I like reading these things (it's like how I like reading poetry too). Since chick-lits are obviously not written to give you things to think about. But yeah... these messages... probably because I sometimes need these messages to be drilled into my head (honestly, if I wrote a novel basing the main charater off me she would be the biggest bitch to walk this planet). It's like how I remember watching '1 Litre of Tears', it got me through MUFY (during exams where I had that... rather... nasty "I did not talk for one week" thing). Since uhh... I remember the main message the actual girl in real life was trying to pass off was something along the lines of "Just being alive is already a beautiful thing". Which is so very true. Reminds me of what Samuel told me I had to do also. Look at what is around you already, not beyond that, or before that.
Afternoon... took a nap then started on the next book! During my freetime in ISB, I'm still reading on with Tony Parsons' "My Favourite Wife" which I'll be done with soon. It has taken me ages since I don't have that much freetime in ISB these days (in the beginning it was fine but... Mrs. C is increasingly giving me more things to do? I wonder if it's because at first it was the start of the term... now things are starting to get off the ground and BGIC is getting closer, clubs are starting... yeah....). Didn't know what to start with next so... just went with "New Moon". The second book of Twilight. Heh. I did not enjoy the first as much but might be because it was like reading the same thing again since the movie is based off it (however much scenes they took out). At least "New Moon" will be new material!
Today's the 22nd of Jan... exactly one month until my flight to Aus. I have mixed feelings now I guess. I love my family and I love my home. Heck, I love Brunei. Okay, the please isn't exactly exciting but... it's a familiar place to me I guess. Somewhere that feels like home. I don't think I'm someone suited to live in large cities anyway. I could never stand the traffic, the pollution, the noise, the mass amount of people everywhere. It'll make me go all @.@ after a while (although I guess I can easily adapt even if you do suddenly shove me to live in Hong Kong or something... or I think anyway). I am so very happy I'm living in Melbourne's surburbs rather then like... live on Arrow on Swanston like Manj, Din and the others walking to RMIT everyday 3 minutes away. It's a different kind of life but I dunno whether I really want all that hustle and bustle in the city.
Mind you, the only attachment I really still have to this country is with my parents. Sometimes this resolve of mine wavers (as with last night, as I was huddled under my blanket in fear, pain and tears once again - covering my ears - and if you know me you know why I am like this rather often) but I remind myself that I still gotta hold on to them. In the end, I can still see that I always have a home with mum and dad. It doesn't mean that I should not aspire to find more happiness for myself, since I dunno how many people told me already that I shouldn't hold back either. If I do I'll probably grow old, bitter in regret just like... well... certain people I know. But I'll still stick to my resolve that I will find happiness for myself, but not at the expense of everyone else. I don't want to be happy stepping on others and taking away their right. The world is like a mesh of different wants and desires by everyone around you. Because not everyone's wants are the same - that's where conflict and clashes occur. If I truly want to be happy, sure... I could step on everyone and head towards where I want to go. But, this isn't something I think I could ever do. So I don't think it's wrong to compromise, and to make some sacrifices to what you want for someone else. As long as in the end I can still see some form of what I wanted at the end of the path.
Now onto more emo-ness in this blog! You know you want it, hah. Okay, I don't know how it happened but I think reading Twilight has this effect on me. So I started on "New Moon" and after a while I would stop and... think about... stuff. That happened last year. In October and November. Stuff that I would be willing to have amnesia for, and to erase from my mind forever. I immediately stopped reading, sort of stared blankly at the wall for like an hour then realised what I was doing. And I felt sick to the very core. A mix of anger, sadness and just pure loathing... for, I've no idea what. Probably myself. For being like this. So I tried to stop thinking altoghter and went off to sit in front of the TV with my parents. That only lasted 5 minutes because they were watching Larry King live. I went back and grabbed another book in my room, and started another new book. I had one more novel unread by Sophie Kinsella (her newest one - "Remember Me?"). I think my current nerves can't handle dark romance like Twilight. Cause I was reading this in the beginning of January also and if you know me you know how I was during that time. Then my mood was more pleasant after I finished that and started on Shopaholic. Maybe Kinsella's lighthearted writing and her goofy female leads is just more healthier for me for now.
When I run out of chick-lits to read I think I may have to go out to buy more, lol. Even though I didn't want to buy anymore new books for now. But the remaining books I have are like... dramatic and too dark for my current state of mind. Yeah, need more romantic stories about hopelessly stupid women who find the perfect one in the end when they decide to change a bit. Heh. It's flawed writing that lacks essential meaning at times, but I can easily see why chick-lits appeal to housewives and women between their 20's and 30's. Everyone finds different ways to get their mind off things, to find themselves hope and inspiration. A lot of people make fun of chick-lits, and its reputation for being trashy writing. So it isn't Dan Brown, or Shakespeare. But it makes me laugh (it's pretty amazing if a pile of words in a book can make me laugh and giggle like a little girl), and honestly... I gotta give the authors credit for that.
I was looking at my luggage today. I slowly filled it up with stuff, and I went to arrange it today. I have a lot more to put in (cause new clothes, random items and MCAC stuff which I have not bought yet) needs to be shoved in. But it's already full as it is. I am so dead, haha. I'll be having an extra box with me this time. I hope I don't overweight...excessivly. I dunno what I will do if that happens (I don't even know what I should take out to lighten the load). Worry about that closer to the date. One more month... I'm counting on day by day. Like I'm hanging on day by day. I think I know what I want right now though. I WANT to go back, but I think I'm trying to surpress this want and tell myself I don't want to go back because I feel bad for my parents. They want to see me more then anything, so I should want to see them more then anything to. It just feels wrong for me to want to see anyone else. Especially if they don't return the same feeling. And thus the chaos seems to continue in my heart.
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