The Substitute for One's Memories

MOVING BLOG

2009-08-30T21:28:00.003+10:00

Anyway, I guess it's time to publically announce the new website! I'm moving blogs. I've had this one since 2007, it has been a good home to me. Thanks to my blog for being around I guess through all the troubling times. And all the good times. This year has been a ridiculous year. I hope that my blog entries will continue to be positive since I don't think my reputation of being an emo is a good one. To me, my blog is my way to relieve stress. To get my thoughts out to the world. Because I can't say it outloud. I've always been glad to have it around. And I hope it'll always be around. To be...

The Substitute for One's Memories

Hehe. Since my memories are pretty crap. So I'm glad I have a place where some of my good (and bad) days are recorded. I don't read old blog entries usually but I may in the future. Just to see my feelings during this time. And laugh at my foolish self who wrote it all down. Thank you to everyone who has always been reading my blog. Hope to see you guys at my new home!

http://crystalstar.me/

An explanation of the URL. 'crystalstar' or Crystal is my online handle for as long as I can remember (like maybe when I was 10). So I'm quite happy to get this domain. The .me I guess is just cause I couldn't get .net or .org, but it is also to mean it's my place. All about me. Hehe.

Nuffnang Coles Group & Myer: How Do You Turn $10 into $100?

2009-08-30T20:47:00.004+10:00

This will be my last entry on this blog before I move. Nuffnang Australia had a little contest where 50 people could turn their $10 Coles/Myer Giftcard into $100! So, I had to take up the challenge too. We had two challenges, challenge 1 was to spend the $10 in a creative way, and challenge 2 was to be frugal. I lack creativity, so being frugal it is! As an International student in Melbourne, attempting to be cheap is what I attempt to do best.

It was my friend's belated 24th birthday party on Sunday, the 30th of August. So I had to bring some food there to share! So I decided upon making countless amounts of sugar cookies! With my $10, I bought the ingredients I needed.

Coles Smart Buy 2 KG White Sugar: $1.65
Coles Smart Buy 1 KG Plain Flour: $0.95
You'll Love Coles Milk: $1.37
Coles Smart Buy Butter: $2.49
Queen Blue Food Colouring: $1.12
Queen Yellow Food Colouring: $1.12
Queen Red Food Colouring: $1.12

This comes to a total of $9.82! I should note that I only used a fraction of the ingredients here to make my cookies. So I could easily make a second batch.

Now for the actual baking! The recipe I used was...

Rolled Sugar Cookies

INGREDIENTS

340 g butter, softened
400 g white sugar
4 eggs
625 g all-purpose flour
9 g baking powder
6 g salt

DIRECTIONS

In a large bowl, cream together butter and sugar until smooth. Beat in eggs. Stir in the flour, baking powder, and salt. Cover, and chill dough for at least one hour (or overnight).
Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C). Roll out dough on floured surface 1/4 to 1/2 inch thick. Cut into shapes with any cookie cutter. Place cookies 1 inch apart on ungreased cookie sheets.
Bake 6 to 8 minutes in preheated oven. Cool completely.

and

Sugar Cookie Frosting

INGREDIENTS

480 g confectioners' sugar
100 g shortening
75 ml milk
food coloring

DIRECTIONS

In a large bowl, cream together the confectioners' sugar and shortening until smooth. Gradually mix in the milk and vanilla with an electric mixer until smooth and stiff, about 5 minutes. Color with food coloring if desired.

After baking the cookies as following the directions, me and my housemate had a wonderful time decorating them. It took us 5 hours to get all the cookies done as there was THAT MANY.

My camera is pretty bad so the quality of images are terrible unfortunately. But yes, this is stage one of our decorating. We mixed food colouring together to get different colours for the icing.

In the end we made a lot of cookies. Enough to fill up a whole tray and then some more. There were a number of shapes including hearts, stars, flowers, the moon, mushroom and a diamond shape.

The cookies were taken well at the party! Everyone liked them. And they were so bright and fun to eat. A few better pictures are below since my camera takes better photos in actual light.

Cute happy faces, poisonous mushrooms and other weird patterns. You can see a watermelon shaped cookie and a banana there too!

This was one of my favourite patterns. It had all the colours on it! I thought it was really pretty.

This is a photo taken with my friend's camera. As he has an actual camera which can take quality photos rather then my point and shoot camera with a broken flash, I suppose it made the cookies look a lot better. But yeah, the cookies were a success.

Thank you to Nuffnang for the awesome contest! I could bake more biscuits if I really wanted too, lol. Perhaps I shall.

A bit of an update...

2009-08-27T06:54:00.002+10:00

I know the blogging as died down. I dunno why I haven't been busy at all. Just... bumming around a lot. I'm currently working on a new website, moving this blog (see ya Substitute for One's Memories, you have served me well since 2007...). I'm sort of like gonna run several blogs at once, you have my personal one where I rant about life, then I'm gonna have like a bunch of mini blogs where I ran about everything else I like. Like anime, manga, games, books, food and etc. You'll see. It'll take me a while though since I do have an assignment and test next week! Hahaha.

As for life itself, I'm generally okay but I'm starting to get a bit odd again. I can see a sort of pattern in me now. Like, I get on a high for a week then the next one I may feel fine but I just feel a bit low. I don't know.

I was cleaning up my room this morning. I find an envelope in a card, and oh! It's the Christmas card from our early Christmas BBQ last year with some MCAC - related folks. Haha, big mistake I opened it up. Didn't realise I hid photos in there that I should never look at again. It fell out, hit the floor and I picked it up and just stared for a bit. Then I put it away again. What a way to bring the day down. It's not like I have much in my room to remind me of anything, I have never thrown anything away but yeah - there was not much to throw away to begin with. At the most, I just passed something onto Amanda as it was something I could not hide. Everything else, perhaps I should of just thrown away all the other random things that will remind me of stuffs... but I know I can never bring myself to do that.

Zac's Facebook had some fortune cookie application that says... "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." Such an awesome quote. I hope I can learn to not prioritise someone else over myself. Not to say I do. I still hold the thought that I am a very selfish individual (although I think most people are). And my world still revolves only around me. But yeah... I hope the point is being made here. It's a bit confusing. Ehehe.

i just want to keep walking forward. I know I'll find a future one day. I guess my last few words are that... well, a number of people have left me behind in life. Because everyone is always walking in different directions. Those people will not read this message ever, but if there was a message I could pass on it would be: "I wish I could have had the chance to share this future with you."

Right, a last note to some random friends then. I don't know why, Amanda did warn me. To never let other people's problems affect you. And perhaps I finally heard one that has. I don't know, the other day I had tears stream down my eyes for the first time in my life that was not for myself, but for someone else. To my dear friend: "Please do not ever regret your decisions. One small mistake is all it takes to forever shut down a path you thought you could always walk down." Things don't always go well. Everything has problems. So, fight for it. Before you lose it forever. And wander around aimlessly, day by day wondering what it was that you wanted to begin with.

A little bit of a ramble...

2009-08-18T09:56:00.001+10:00

I've been busy so I guess the blog entries sort of died. I've lost more of a reason to be emo anyway. People have been saying I look more positive lately. Or maybe it's cause other people seem to be having a harder time that I don't pale in comparison anymore. Well, that's true. And I don't mind. I always did state that my blog and my 'emo-ness' are cries for attention. Right now, I don't particularly need this attention. One thing I worry for in regards to some of my friends is that I think some people are thinking too much (oh the irony) on image and acceptance. I know this feeling greatly, but their worries and paranoia are causing them to have these theories and fears that I think are largely something merely in their heads. Let's summarise things...

1.) No one is trying to ostracize you! The most important point. Never think too much. People are not going to 'not' like you because you are not happy all the time. They are not going to 'not' like you because you have changed. I have already said to numerous people. Some people said they are waiting for the Celine of last year to come back. I already said. "She ain't coming back!!! LOLOLOL"

It's okay to be sad. It is NOT OKAY to not try to be happy. I am trying my best to have fun. To take part in things. And thus more good things happen to me. People DO NOT come to Celine. I GO TO people. If you feel lonely, don't be paranoid. Jump in a circle, and they will accept you. I know some people think I have it easy cause I have all these friends who like me and crap. THIS DIDN'T JUST HAPPEN ON A WHIM. I made it happen. I wanted people to like me. I wanted people to be my friends. So, I was a friend to everyone else too. It's a hard thing to gamble. Don't feel frustrated if you feel 'left out' or that people are ignoring you. GODDAMIT GET INTO THE FUCKING CIRCLE ALREADY AND TALK TO US!!! You are causing it yourself, get a backbone and fix it yourself! Everyone is waiting. Just make the first movement.

2.) PEOPLE CHANGE. Do not think you are the only one changing. Do not think that they are not accepting the changed you! Perhaps you forgot that you are not accepting the changed them! Adapt to the situation!

3.) TRY YOUR FUCKING GODDAMN BEST ALREADY!! C'mon, life will not move if you sit around expecting everything to drop your way, right? Take chances! LIVE! Everyone waits for someone to go to them. So GO TO THEM!

A dream to never awaken from...

2009-08-17T05:19:00.003+10:00

I just woke up from a dream. I am supposed to get up at 5 AM as I have to leave home by 7 AM.

The dream was my everyday life if everything changed right now. If everything came back to me. If I could spend time with the person I loved the most. It shocked me. Because... I realised. Like within 10 seconds when I woke up...

I've never felt so happy... never felt that happy.... for so long.

I turned over and I asked myself... "Why did I just wake up? Why didn't I... stay in that dream forever?" But I knew my body jolted awake when I realised that I had to wake up to get ready for my placements.

I was just really shocked, that's all. I've been doing well for the past week. People asked me if I was alright now. It's cause I accepted it. I accepted that I'll never be "over it." in a sense. But I can only embrace the fact that I'm not gonna move on. That yeah, I was genuinely in love. And because it was genuine I am not gonna 'forget', I am not gonna 'get over it'. I can only move on day by day embracing this little pain at the back of my head telling me that I'm beyond the state where I can go back to anything now. I am the only one left remembering anything. But that's okay. Even if I'm the only one, I'll hold onto everything and walk through life holding on.

It's rather funny if I think about it right now. That a dream where I could just hold hands and sit with the person I loved the most was a dream where my heart have never felt so happy. I wonder if my mind wanted to remind me something. To be honest, I wish it didn't. Because now I'm a bit shaken. But, it's okay. I can still continue with my day. I only needed to remind myself. That the person whom I loved is happier right now then he will ever be. And that I can sit in the corner and watch him be happy. And that's all that's needed.

I do want to sit in the corner right now and ask "God, why did you just show me that dream?" It's odd for me to ask this but I can't see why else I had such a dream. And I do not think I needed a reminder of what it really feels if this weight on my heart was ever taken off.

Gah, need to go prepare now. I just needed to let myself know that... one day. I will feel like how I felt in that dream again. One day. Even if it takes a year, or two... one day, it'll happen. And I will be happy.

What was I doing?

2009-08-13T23:35:00.002+10:00

I saw an interesting thing today. I was in denial for these past few months. I thought it was all okay. I thought it was all for the best. I've now come to realise... hahaha, it's so funny it's just sad. I was the only one who cared, eh?

What was I crying for all these long long long months?

Can't believe I've just been a fool all these times. It is a lonely battle to fight when you are the only one who will feel the mocking laughs and the abuse. While everyone else lives on blissfully unaware. So someone said "Now you can hate him." I replied with nothing. Why? Because I knew the answer to my own question. Because I just can't. And that makes it even sadder. To be hated... but to be unable to hate back.

If something could hurt more then anything, it would be this...

It cuts into me everytime. I can't even just stay away forever. If I did that... I would have to leave MCAC. And I can't do that. Cause MCAC is one of the only things I have left... if that is taken from me.

If that is taken from me... I don't know whether I will want wake up to see the light of day any longer...

I know life is meant to be lived optimistically. I know that life should be meant to be lived hoping and looking forward to the future. So someone tell me, I don't see anything at all... future? What future?

Busy-ness...

2009-08-12T06:25:00.004+10:00

Been a bit busy to write in my blog. I've been in fairly good spirits the past few days though. I'm just trying my best right now. Just to have fun. And it has been fun as a result. If I could keep this up... everything would be good. I figure that I'll probably relapse again sooner or later when I lose the energy to keep on trying hard, but you know, one can hope that it'll last. XD

The next week is gonna be killer. Just realised how much work I have to do (like I just remembered I have a 20% assignment due in 2 days...) and then there is like so much stuff to go to in the next 2 weeks too T.T

Yay for not eating again...

2009-08-07T23:09:00.004+10:00

Nothing lasts forever and life is too short. Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh when you can. Apologize when you should. Let go of what you can't change. Love deeply and forgive quickly. Drink it down. Avoid bullshit. Take chances. Give everything. Life is to short to be unhappy. Take the good with the bad. Smile when your sad. Love what you got. Always remember what you had. Always forgive but never forget. Learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change and things go wrong. But always remember... life goes on.

Found that off a friend's Facebook page thingy. I thought it was rather pretty. Of a quote. If only quotes worked on me. I tend to like reading them when I'm upset but they don't really do much to uplift. I just use them to remind myself, that everything is good. So embrace it all. Like today. Everything was good. But I felt really ill, I had to try to hard to have fun, to be happy, to be a friend, to be me...

I woke up to get to the primary school I was heading to today. Clayton North Primary School! When I got there, as usual people were confused at my arrival. The lady I was supposed to look for was not informed of my arrival... UHHH... WHUUUT. Again. T.T I waited in the staff room and was taken to some year 4 class I think. Then after 20 minutes while they were doing some Maths thing... I was taken out again cause the lady realised who I was supposed to sit with and knew of me coming. One of the prep teachers. XD So yeah I got taken to prep. It was a fun morning with the preps. They are cute and generally kids. Did a bunch of activities, mostly writing related - the teacher was emphasising on sound, trying to get the children to pronounce words correctly and write basic words from that. I noticed kids were mixing up the "e" and "a" sound. Reminded me of Xin saying "pens" and "pants" the same way mostly (supposedly) because of the "e" and "a" sounds, lol. I just sat with the kids and helped a bit here and there with work although the teacher had to remind me to not help them too much cause kids get dependant and lazy after a while if you do that.

Sat through a RE lesson. I dunno, I think religious education for prep children is just weird. I know you have to start off young but it's funnyhow they honestly don't care what the teacher is saying. I was chatting to the prep teacher for a bit, telling her stuffs. She was really nice. I just wandered aronud during break, and sat in the staff room for a bit. There was another student teacher there on placement for 6 weeks. The school is small compared to what I am used to, with 250-ish students, but I think working in a small school is nice actually. I dunno... big schools are too big for me. But I'm a secondary teacher so yeah... unless I go to a 'special' school or alternative teaching school (Montessori, Steiner and etc) they will be big schools I'm sure. At lunch, it was raining so the kids had to stay in. I wanted to go soon so I left by 2 PM.

I said thanks then left. Umm... Rachel had phoned, everyone was at badminton already. So I walked over to the sports centre (took me like 20 mins). Yay badminton! Uhh... who was there... a lot of people. Rachel, Vu, Leon, Sammi, Kimmy, Jeremy, Linda, Evan, Law, K-man, Steve, Yih, Yadhav, Sam, Amanda T. and it could go on and on. I wasn't gonna play but I did in the end! At first, I just sat with Sammi and Jeremy and others chatting about stuff with a group of people. We had our own circle of trust which wasn't much of a circle or trust in it to be honest. Oh wells. Haha. Then umm... Leon made me play badminton... so I tried out a team with Leon vs Yadhav and... gahh who was the other person @.@ OMG memory lapse!! LOL. After that it was about time to go! Uhh... Yih, Amanda T and Vu went to play rollarskating hockey I think after that. Rest of us went back to airport lounge. At airport lounge... Uhhh me Rachel and Jeremy first watched 6th episode of Umineko! EPIC!! I got a call during this time! Uhh.. apparently I have a job interview on Weds! From Camp Australia!! They run before and after school child care programs. So I hope I can get casual work there! Someone actually phoned me back. O.o

Then Alan went to show me a piano piece he's learning. Then um... sat around with Kimmy, Alan, Amanda Du, Evan and whoever else, chatting about stuff, practicing singing karaoke and what not. It was fun. I kept doing that stupid chacarron thingy hahaha. When Xin came, me, Linda and Xin were acting like jellyfish together cause we were all wearing long coats (in different colors) which I found funny. And chasing Andrew Kim cause he thought we were weird. We waited for the last few people then went off to Springvale for viet food!! It was F4 tonight so everyone was meeting at 6 PM organised by Kimmy this week!

We took the bus and train. Uneventful in general. I just sat and talked to Xin and stuffs. At the actual place... well we didn't want Steve, Leon and Sammi to get stabbed. Oh and Borgy!! Haha. At the actual place... um... I sat next to Borgy and Will. On the table was Alan, Kimmy, Xin, Steve, Amanda T., K-man and I can't remember who else since people changed seats at the end. Dinner was okay... I sort of didn't... eat very much. At all. Nor did Alan. I ordered chilli chicken sort of thing, Will ordered it too. And pearl milk tea. I didn't have much of an appetite. I think I ate like half my plate of food. Dinner was fun. Umm... we talked a lot and were really noisy. To the point that another patron came by to scold us for making too much noise. We also played chinese whispers around our round table when people started leaving in our group (we had around 30 people with us utilising 3 tables). It was mostly dirty things whispered. Borgy kept adding things in. It was funny to watch Yadhav and Steve suffer as they had to whisper things to Amanda T. In the end, it was just... umm... me, Leon, Sammi, Yi Xin, Amanda Du and K-man left. Then Jeremy and Chris came back cause they were gonna crash K-man's place. We were like talking about I dunno... random crap again. Then we left near to 9 PM and Lawrence was seen wandering around. O.o So dodgy... lol. Anyway, me, Leon, Sammi and Xin said bye to everyone and went to the train station ourselves as we were gonna go back to uni (and home).

Uhh... we missed the train by like 1 minute. So yeah.. had to wait 30 mins at Springvale station. Then another 10 at Clayton. Me and Xin were just talking about random things during the time. I was telling her how I felt weird. Like... I don't know how to say but like... I'm just a bit fearful of what the future holds. I don't know what I'm gonna do next year. Or where I am going. I don't know who I will stay with in the future. I fear if I'm gonna be alone. Cause you know... people move on. I won't be able to continue these peaceful daily lives forever. And I'm left behind? Is that my fate? I feel like it is. I recall... who was it who said this to me... they said "Celine... I think you need to stop... living for other people." I think I've been suffering these past few months because last year I thought finally maybe there was someone else I could live for. But by now I clearly realise that they don't need me. At all. And I always feel like. That I need everyone... but no one really NEEDS me. More like, yeah... it's nice to Celine around. But you know, even if I'm gone, it's okay too. Cause someone else can replace you. Cause everyone has so many people around them anyway, what do I do that makes it anymore special?

Loons said in the past few posts I had. Yeah, someone has broken my trust. I can't trust so easily now. I am paranoid now. I thought that I couldn't be replaced. I thought for once I was special to someone. I was wrong. Cause I am - was and is... easily replaced. Easily forgotten. Easily out of your life. I mean, I can understand why I don't mark high on the importance factor. I'm whiny, childish, selfish and largely dishonest... and needy. Overly dependant. I have an inferiority complex - and I see no reason why I should feel anymore superior to anyone. I don't have anything special at all...

I think I said to Xin... what kind of dream do I want for the future. My only wish...? I dunno, I think I just said "I want to eat dinner with a family." My dream. It's so simple... yet so difficult to achieve. I just wanna sit around a dinner table with my family and talk everyday with them. Like this. In case people are wondering... whuut Celine don't you get that when you're at home? Answer is no. Never have, and never will... I hate eating dinner by myself. Cause I've done that for too many years already. I guess the happy nuclear family is just propaganda but someone can wish can't they?

When we got home... uhh... I was just on MSN for the rest of the night. Sha was baking cake suprisingly. I went to sleep by 1 AM-ish... crying as usual. Why? Cause... I don't know... I just realised that... I really should just let go of whatever is still bothering me right now. Because... the only one... in this world.. still affected... still bothered... still in pain... and still able to remember every living second as though it was yesterday - is me. And no one else. Because I was the only one who found it important.

And thus... I am the only one who cannot forget and throw away everything as though it was nothing...

I don't want to give up.

2009-08-06T23:27:00.002+10:00

Today was a pretty good day. I dunno, I guess I decided unconsciously that I was gonna a.) have fun today and b.) enjoy everything and anything. I overslept by like 3 hours again though. And went to class unprepared. I didn't listen for most of my 2 hour seminar for CLS3080 unfortunately... I was thinking and thinking the entire time. Of what? Well... of everything again I guess. Of why I'm at this point in time. And what I should do from there on. I think I made some sort of decision that I don't want to back out of, a decision that I need to stay firm with. That I need to accept. To able to move on. Finally. It's gonna be a bit of a bumpy ride but you need to fight through a storm to find the paradise at the end, right?

In the end, the last two things that ran through my mind. 1.) Was what a certain someone told me of conflict. That someone needs to drop the pride, and only when you do that can you reconcile. And 2.) "To hope for the best and prepare for the worst." I need to try my best. And move on from whatever happens.

So yes, I decided that I was gonna have fun for the rest of my day! And I did! I got lunch tables, uhh... I ate a crappy lunch of bread again then the dantai left. I saw Drue! He was in the hospital the day before and he was like drinking fresh juice and eating pumpkin soup! A HEALTHY DRUE!!! @.@ Oh my... but yeah dantai practice. HAHA A LOAD OF FUN. I did a lot of practice and stuff instead of my tutorial work lololol. So much excercise. Too much excercise. But things are shaping up at my end at least. Kriz came by. So did Stan, Alan, Kimmy and stuffs. I kept doing a stupid "Chacarron" sound - dance thingy until Damien and Jono literally THREW ME OUT OF THE ROOM! I wanna do it for karaoke! IT'S EPIC! EPICCC. I was so hyper and like crazy (I think I snapped) that Xin was like "... too much SUGAR @.@" Yeah Kimmy did bring chocolate!! I had to leave for class eventually. Boo boo. Uhh.. class was meh. After class, me, Vu and Rachel went to check out MCF 'night market'. Nothing there! It was the same thing again, lol. I ran into PJ and he gave me a dumpling. And ran into a lot of other people I seem to know somehow. From somewhere, lol. Uhh... I was bored fast and the food sucked so me and PJ went to buy fish and chips for dinner. I just had a snack pack which was too much for me already, so I gave the rest to Leon, Vu, James and em'. Yay, I hung with them for a while, then went to Wu Shu went everyone cept Andrew Kim was gone (well Leon and Brad were coming back but they went to bus loop to send people off). K-man asked me to movies which I think people are going with James and em'... to watch GI Joe but I had wu shu anyway.

So yeah! Wu shu! Umm... I practiced a bit. And stuffs. Mostly with Juan and Erica. We did the actual long first, the first 1/8 of it (which is LONNNG) and it was so much fail because they didn't teach it so I didn't remember what to do!! OMG!! LOL I only did a bit of this last year. Uhh.. practiced short long first with and his intake from this year. Then Erica sent me home! Yay, thanks. Saves me walking in the dark. Hehe. Night was MSN. I was in a good mood. It was a good day! I'm satisfied, if only I could be as hyper and happy everyday as I was today!

Normal day normal life...

2009-08-05T23:13:00.000+10:00

A normal day as always right? I was a bit nervous today but whatever. Uhh... I screwed up and thought my seminar was at 10 AM but it was 9 AM. So I woke up at 8 AM, normally I get up 2 hours before a class. So I had to rush. After class... I sat around for 2 hours eating lunch and stuff. Weds lunch is my catch up time with Raine, where we eat lunch together, chat and give each other info on things. She was giving me food - cookies to be exact. Insisting that I didn't eat enough. Since my food intake has gone down recently. And I think people are afraid Celine will go back to how she was back in January / February this year. Where I was like 8 kg lighter then I am right now but prolonged starvation, lol.

Screenings was LOLs. The group was camping on the ground, I had Alan's head on my leg the entire screenings. It was all like... LOLI ANIME from Brad's collection so instead of yelling out LEOOOON!!! We were all yelling out BRAAAAADDD. After screenings... uhh... oh yeah, I met Alan/Loon's friend Will! Me and Martin chatted to him for ages, he's nice. Hehe. He said he'll come again next week! So yay~ then dantai practice which I dragged Martin too momentarily. Before going in, me and Kimmy like.. bought FAIRY FLOSS~ and umm... oh I got $3 chocolate bubble tea from ASEAN club but it was pretty crappy (no choco flavour, tasted like milk tea, lol). Dantai practice was tiring and normal as usual. I left early to go home to study and umm... I went by lunch table to just... look for someone and see whether that person was there or not. But no... so yeah... I was gonna go home but... I ended up chatting to Leon, Brad and Vu! As I still only ate some of Raine's small cookies and 3 mini buns for lunch for the day Leon treated me and Brad to Shin Ramyun (and Vu bought his own). And we all ate Shin Ramyun while throwing around pick up lines from last night's convo. IT WAS EPIC. Especially when we used them on James!! Haha. After we were done, I decided after a bit that it was finally time to go home.

And I did. Evening... uhh I sort of napped for an hour although Kriz called during this time. But yeah, I wasn't napping - I was moping in my room. Haha. My dreams are getting a bit bothersome lately... I don't know what I'm doing. Or hoping for. Or anything. I went downstairs to make dinner but John turned off all the water in the house apparently to fix the tap. And Kei Boon was like... cleaning up the stove. So I couldn't start making my chicken pie with no water. Eventually it came back and we all made dinner and ate like at 8:30 PM! Chicken pie was decent. A bit too watery. After dinner, I went back to my room and uh... sat around on MSN and stuffs. I tried to study but it didn't go well and went to sleep pretty early. Like 11 PM. I dunno, I don't see much reason sometimes in sleeping too late. Studies is still a HUGE problem as I am not doing my work.

Today was an okay day. I still moped and cried though. Slowly, I need to find my resolve to settle and be happy for this perfectly normal day in this perfectly normal life. To ask for too much was my downfall, and I always need to remember that while things can get better they can also get worse. So I have to try my best.

Sitting in the rain...

2009-08-04T23:55:00.001+10:00

Okay, the today entry. Uhh... a messy day I suppose. I woke up to get to uni by 10 AM for a Japanese Conversation class thingy or whatever run by the Japanese Club. I was determined to be okay but I was thrown off for a certain reason and ended up crying again in the morning. But I ignored it and went out anyway - determined to try my best for the day. The class itself was rather interesting. Leon was gonna be late since his bus was late, and I didn't know any Japanese either which made it a bit difficult for the organiser I think, lol. She probably wasn't expecting complete n00bs. Luckily I do know a bit of Japanese so I guess I can at least ask "What is your name?" and "What does [insert word] mean?". First game we did was umm... we had to line up in order of our names. After asking each other for names. Then there was little pieces of paper with hiragana, and she picked out a random one and in small groups of three we had to write as many words with that hiragana. Luckily I could contribute to this since I do know some vocab! XD

Next activity was umm... two truths and a lie game in Japanese. I obviously couldn't really take part but I did manage to follow everyone's sentences like maybe half the time. When it was my turn I tried to just copy others since they knew I was n00b anyway. Then it was over and me and Leon went over to lunch tables! It was dantai practice so I soon left after that and practiced for a few hours. Then I went back to lunch tables again.

We tried to have fun and stuff. One time, Jo, Eloise, Martin, me and Linda were trying to re-enact Captain Planet skits but Tom told us to stop as we were an annoyance (and probably an embarassment, lol). Oh well, I think this was the only time of the day I was reallly realllly enjoying myself anyway. Uhh... Rachel tried to stick by me for these few hours as my mood was really unstable. We were sort of sleepy so yeah, sometimes we just napped on the table. I ended up napping for the last hour before 5 PM, although I wasn't really napping either to be honest. I didn't fall asleep once. I just didn't... or couldn't... socialise with the crowd...

At 5 PM I left by myself into the rain and went to hang out with Campus Connect. I met like a girl there and we chatted for a bit. I got a SMS from Leon/Sammi there saying that I left without saying goodbye. And it ended with "we love you." I had to brush a few tears away from reading that. ^^ But I left when Sha came and they were playing some cricket activity. It was raining at this time. I wanted to take a walk. Sha chased after me asking me to come back inside. But I told her I was okay (okay I wasn't but... okay enough ~). I took out my umbrella at least to show that I wasn't gonna walk in the rain as it was too heavy (and it was freezing I should say). So she had to let me go. Umm... during this time, I was like wandering around engineering and it was dark already so I setlled on sitting at the metal benches outside the S1 - S4 theatres. And I sat there for 1 and a half hours. Didn't use my umbrella either but it was only drizzling once in a while. So I just got wet a slight bit. It was just really really cold.

Haha, the time sitting there was interesting. I was freezing, and I rejected all of Sha and Yi Xin's calls. I did send them text messages cause I wouldn't want them to freak out that I disappeared or something. Just that I didn't want to come back to Campus Connect... or home. I didn't feel like eating dinner either. What was I thinking during this time...? I dunno. I think it was a mix of everything. I was thinking how things went from January until now... and how it got to this point. And why. I wasn't really helping myself because rather then thinking of hopeful positive thoughts it just ended with me crying continously in regret I guess. I was just crying out of regret. Cause I couldn't change, I couldn't fix things up... to avoid things to be like this. I guess I was just really tired of everything. Of every day. Of days like today. It should be fun but... I have to try so hard to have fun until it isn't anymore sometimes. And it just hurts. I just kept crying with the words "it hurts.... it hurts... it hurts..." running through my head.

I mean I am beginning to understand of course. This experience has told me one thing. That is... if you don't want to lose the things most important to you, then put effort to change yourself - and the situation... before it is too late. Cause once you lose it you ain't getting it back. And yeah, I need to learn to appreciate what I do have now. Because to be without it... hurts more then anything.

Yi Xin asked me later on (as well as many other people)... so why did I sit in the rain? Uhh... I dunno. I think ultimately in the end I could sum it up in this one sentence.

"While I sat there in the freezing rain, my only wish was that you would come and offer me a hand."

I think I just wanted someone to come and save me. Or maybe a specific someone. Or something. I don't know...

I saw the security guard come by me so many times. I guess he didn't see me, otherwise I'm sure he would of asked me to like... go somewhere else. Rather then in that dark quiet and lonely place. But yeah, I left past 7:15 PM-ish cause it was raining harder and I was really cold... I only realised how cold I was when I got up. I couldn't stop shaking. While walking towards campus centre I was like "FUUCKKK IT'S COLDD" and it started raining pretty badly again. When I got upstairs... uhh... Leon, Sammi, Brad, K-man, Andrew Kim and Jeremy were there. Juan joined us later on in a bit. I feel bad for Leon and Sammi who kept staring at my state. Then the guys noticed @.@ Jeremy gave me his jacket in attempts to warm me up. Cause I basically didn't stop shaking until like 15 minutes later. I'm sorry to everyone... >.< I think it might not have been the wisest idea for me to show up but I couldn't get home yet cause I was too cold and tired so I wanted to warm up indoors. Everyone gave me a pat on the head and stuffs though. They were playing MahJong and cards. Uhh.. K-man left after a bit. And we got thrown out at 9 PM literally, lol.

Everyone walked me home! Well Juan went to the library. And yeah... Leon, Sammi, Brad, Andrew Kim and Jeremy walked me home! Apparently they were my Fellowship of the Ring! Or a band of stalkers. One or the other. Hehe. It was really sweet of them. It made my walk home a lot of fun! Cause they are the funniest group of people ever! When we got there I was scared Amanda would kick the shit out of me and I don't think she was too happy judging from her tone of voice so gomen Yi Xin >.< They left soon after since it was late. Apparently they all stalked Brad to his house too. Uhh... I tried to eat bread and soup for dinner since I didn't eat anything yet. Didn't really take much food in at all during the day (well had three mini custard buns during the day). Then I went back upstairs.

I was crying for the remainder of the night. Just from MSN and stuffs. Couldn't see the screen sometimes. I just couldn't stop. My eyes really hurted during the day and at night. I think I've been crying way too much. Till my eyes are bloodshot now. I think I realise now that I just really have to accept things for what they are, and move on. Cause everyone else has moved on already. And everyone has to go through this in their life. Rejection, loss and regret. It's normal. I recall typing this several hundred times already though. And I still haven't moved on. I wonder if I will ever move on... sometime told me that I might never truly move on if the feelings involved were real. *shrugs* I've no idea. I wonder if that is true....

Late at night I ended up sleeping peacefully cause of the guys. Had a hilarious convo with Law, Vu, Leon, Jeremy and Andrew Kim as we threw around LAME PICK-UP LINES!! Some of the ones I liked included...

- First buy an ice cream and find a hot girl, then say 'I'm sorry to bother you, but your melting my ice cream!"
- Can I have your picture so that I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
- If I could re-arrange the alphabet I would put U and I together.
- I wanna touch your curves with my tangent.
- You must be an adverb, because you sure do modify me!
- I'm bigger and better then the Titanic... only 200 women went down on the Titanic!
- Are you a Pokemon trainer? Because you sure do capture my heart!

We all bailed at 1 AM. I didn't cry myself to sleep. I was glad.

Eyes.. hurrrrrrt.....

2009-08-04T23:55:00.000+10:00

Too much crying today. Eyes hurt so much. Lesson learnt of the day. Remind me to never sit outside in the rain for one hour and a half. =.=;;; I froze half to death.

*hugs Sammi, Leon, Jeremy, Andrew Kim and Brad for walking me home*

Will blog actual day some other time or whatever. Sleep time for me. =.=;;

Should I have just disappeared?

2009-08-03T23:24:00.002+10:00

It hurts... it hurts... it hurts... it hurts... it hurts... it hurts... I see why people stab themselves or whatever. I think I would like to worry about my arm stinging from blood rather then what I feel right now. Why did Amanda had to have taken my boxcutter... =.=

Weird day. Me acting weird. I don't really get it anymore. I seriously just don't get it anymore. I don't know what to do. I honestly don't know what to do. And I'm acting increasingly more tired now. I'm sort of scared to be honest. I just feel like pulling stupid stunts all the time. People will probably grab me and start bitchslapping me for it but... I...

I just spent the morning trying to do readings. As usual, I had a hard time getting up. Hate waking up. Don't want to wake up. I never want to wake up. I hate the day. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I don't want this. I don't want this... why doe things have to be like this? Why did I cause things to be like this? It's all my fault and I know this is all karma. But... dammit. It's a bad question to ask yourself but a person should really never ask themselves why did it have to be like this? Cause things just happen the way they do... but still... After eating like whatever for lunch, I went to uni to catch up with Kimmy's K-Pop group. We're now officially called MVP so I'll call it that from now on. So yeah, for MVP practice. Oh, MVP stands for Most Valuable People I think, or More Virgins Please according to Alan. We went over Eat You Up and realise how much fail we are cause we forgot a good part of the dance. Even though we should have finished it already. Then Alan was practicing Mirotic with Jason while I studied and Sebby + Kimmy gossiped and giggled about things. We decided to end early at 3 PM due to lack of interest and laziness. And having no room. Haha.

Uhh... stood around talking and stuffs until maccas monday. I had a sundae there, I'm supposed to be on a diet and no spending monies but I still indulge once in a while just cause if I take too many things away I'll go mad one day. I left like at 5 PM. I wanted to go home to make pie but ended up on MSN for quite a bit. Then it was 6 PM. And Sha was like... just eat instant food / leftovers as I have wu shu. Dinner was... uneventful.

Near to 8 PM, I got really... well 'anxious' was what I wrote on Facebook and MSN, but it was more like just plain upset. It was hard but I went downstairs anyway and left the house even more upset due to a few careless comments people made (which I won't blame them for - I should be less sensitive and how would anyone have known what I was thinking at the time?). The walk to wu shu was bad in that I decided while staring at the dark sky, and breathing the cold air, and watching as the cars just pass by. I thought I wouldn't come home. Dunno, spend the night just staring at the sky or something. Sounds perfectly good! So I went to wu su and did the usual stuff there. Scott came back today surprisingly (wonder where he went). We all had to do our basic forms by ourselves to be critiqued by Master Tang, so I did mine and he said it was good. Just need to work on basic stuff like punches. Lydia asked me how I did - hopefully I can go back to working on cadjuls in the next few weeks (wooden staff).

I left wu shu... I did not plan to return home. But... gah. John was outside with his bike. To walk me home. So.. there goes my plan. Maybe it is a positive thing of course. Obviously a part of myself wanted someone to come and fetch me, people naturally want to feel wanted, to feel loved and appreciated. So I would come home when I see someone going through the trouble of getting me. I'm an attention whore, I like attention. When I got home, basically just MSN and... me crying the entire remainder of the night.

It's really difficult. It really is. Amanda came eventually to talk to me. There are a lot of things we realised...

a.) I know exactly what's going on, what I want, what is the problem, and what I should do. What is keeping me from it? Answer is... cause there is no solution. Sometimes things just don't go your way and there is nothing you can do about it. Things just won't go your way. Time won't turn back. The future does not just fall in place. What can you do? There is nothing you can do. When it is truly out of your control, it is TRULY OUT OF YOUR CONTROL!

b.) No, I have not 'given up' in the literal sense. To really give up on all hope would mean that I take my own life and I obviously haven't done that, nor will I do that. Just cause I hope, wish and know that good things will happen one day. Even if the one day is like 3 years away. It'll happen. I'm crying everyday. Why? Cause it hurts and it is gonna hurt for a long time. I'll just have to live with it.

c.) The idea of professional help. Now, I sort of hate counsellors. Cause I don't think I have a problem. But I keep saying this, and this itself might be a problem. I dunno, I said I don't have a problem. Yet Amanda says I do cause it isn't the problem itself, it's what it is doing to you. Cause it is interfering with daily life. I do realise it is slowly eating away at my ability to simply live. I am largely in denial of reality right now. I dunno how long I plan to stay in denial. I do know that if I stay too long like this I'll just get worse and worse. I don't know what makes up depression itself (like the actual mental disorder) - I've forgotten the symptoms (and this is my area of study!! LOL) but I can develop it if I leave myself like this for too long. But I do still think it is rather extreme if you see me swallowing anti-depressants. Just what I need! To become a druggie. LOL. I dunno, too much still. Least for now. I don't get how pills would work anyway. What haunts me right now are memories. Unless you give me something that can induce amnesia.

d.) It's a bit confusing cause I contradicted myself several hundred times while talking to her. I dunno, thoughts are a blur sometimes I guess. I think living simple is a good thing. Having simple thoughts. I contradict myself on my blog often too cause my thoughts a muddle. Just too many things. Everywhere. And what I say depends on my mood. Obviously when I'm in my cry fest I'll bring out everything that stabs into me the most.

I think I cried for like 3 hours today. Yes, it was bad. Then she left. And I went to brush my teeth and I started crying again while brushing my teeth. I was like... "this really sucks... T.T I can't even do something as basic as brush my teeth without crying... so much fail..." Yeah, so much fail. I just can't stop crying. I guess I'll cry myself to sleep tonight. There isn't much to think about anymore. Everything just really hurts. It just hurts. Hurts.. hurts... hurts. And the questions in my head? Include... why did everything have to be like this? Why the hell did I cause everything to be like this?

And lastly, "why can't I be a good person?"

Hehe. Cause you know... cause I'm not a good person. That things are like this. Yeah, I think I realised a long time ago. I've forgiven everything. And everyone. The only thing I have not forgiven is myself. And I never will. Because I caused this. What I feel right now is just karma. Yes, I do worry sometimes that me crying everyday is just gonna make me go increasingly more nuts but it is karma. I did this to myself. It is my fault. There is nothing wrong right now. It is all in my head. And even if there is something wrong, I DID THIS. I know that. It's just all me.

Now the hard part is to accept this reality for what it is.

The days when it just hurts...

2009-08-02T23:52:00.002+10:00

I think in the morning I only slept a few hours. It was the first time for a long time that I didn't just drop off to sleep out of exhaustion. I was tossing, turning and generally uncomfortable. I recall crying, whacking myself against the wall (there's a pillow on the wall though so it doesn't hurt + plus I wouldn't wanna wake up Sha) and scrunching up like a mushroom on my bed. Hah. It was sort of sad really. What a crap night. If every night was like that I wouldn't want night to ever come again. But I hope that doesn't happen, cause you know... it was only through sleep that I felt most peaceful. I don't want that taken from me either.

The day was spent at home. I was supposed to go to Open Day with Leon, Sammi and Vu but everyone bailed (including myself). Although Tom and Jeremy phoned me in the afternoon wondering where we were. I just attempted to study for the day but it was minimal still. I did a bit of reading, but not enough that I'll get everything I need done by next week. Yeah, I'm in trouble. Yes, I'll find a way to stop this stupidity. Somehow. I can't concentrate. I know that. I'm glad that my work this sem isn't very academic, so that I don't need to focus as much as I have to. As my work is mostly research based, I'll just do something simple and within my interest. To save myself.

So I ate lunch with Sha at 1 PM-ish. Cooked pancakes using the pancake mix that Jia Chee left behind. Xin didn't come back from church so I assumed she was just lunch-ing with Jono. Around 10 AM-ish, I was supposed to be studying but I found myself napping in bed again. Or not napping, more like moping if you ask me. Bah. Yes, I am trying to mark down the number of times in a day I start moping cause I need to reduce that. I will probably snap soon if I keep on going like this. Afternoon was... I dunno, MSN + another nap (or not) and a bit of study. Dinner was near to 7 PM, with Sha, Xin and Valerie (Sha's friend). After dinner, Sha, me, Xin, Cas and Thomas were talking for ages. From a range of topics. It was an intense topic cause it was mostly about abuse and stuff.

Before dinner, I was chatting to Kailun. I think that for someone who has never been 'depressed' before (in the traditional sense) he knows his stuff. What was running through my mind was that he was right. But the thing is, I think I already realised all these things already. That's why I say to people "Celine is a lost cause. Ignore me. Leave me alone. If you don't, I'll probably hurt you one day anyway."

[b][c=#C40000][/c=#1A790F][/b] [a=11][c=13]-倫仔[/c][c=12][/c][/a] says:
Now celine.
people can only help you so much.
i think i know what the problem that you have.
It is Insecurity.
lack of belief.
somebody has broken your trust before
and you have never regained from it
am i right?

The reply I sort of got to a statement I often made. That I have fear that people will leave if I don't "get better" fast enough. If I don't be who you want Celine to be fast enough. Because... people have left me. When I thought they never would. So... how do I know no one else will? Was it wrong for me to trust and believe in someone when they said they would never leave? I think I was talking to Cas in the afternoon too. I dunno, I think I told her what I told Leon not too long ago also. I feel silly being 'sad' right now because there isn't really any reason. Like, my reason isn't a good enough of a reason. Everyone else has more reasons. But even if I think this something still feels wrong. And if it feels wrong it means there is a problem, right?

I guess the last few lines made even more sense.

[b][c=#C40000][/c=#1A790F][/b] [a=11][c=13]-倫仔[/c][c=12][/c][/a] says:
You think you can do everything by yourself.
The problems will go away if you try not to think about them
But it doesn't go away does it.
It comes back, this is why you feel depressed sometimes
but you push it away again.
YOU PUSH IT AWAY HARDER
YOU'RE THINKING
THIS TIME, I PUSHED IT SO HARD IT'S NOT GOING TO COME BACK
IT WON'T BOTHER ME.
but it did come back didn't it.
am i right?

Pretty good for someone I've never said a single thing too. But yeah, like I said. I know what's wrong. And I can't help myself. Case closed. I just feel like crap every single day. I tried to put everything to the back of my mind. I tried to ignore it all. I tried to tell myself "It's okay. I can do this. Everything is okay. I will move on."

But if I said I can't? Then what do I do? Emotions are so dumb. Why does missing someone have to hurt so much? Everyday I walk around, I feel like part of my soul is missing. I don't feel alive. But what can I do? There is nothing I can do. Everything is too late. Gone. Over. And I'm left behind here. Wondering what the hell I should do...

>> || ............. says:
Haha, to be hurt is to be alive.
People will get over things. No matter what.
And get hurt again. And get over that too.
[b][c=#C40000][/c=#1A790F][/b] [a=11][c=13]-倫仔[/c][c=12][/c][/a] says:
no celine.
you are wrong.
You can never magically get over things.
There is only one way you can.
However you must understand some things first.
Being hurt doesn't mean that you are alive.
being hurt means that you are dying

I dunno, just things for me to think about I guess...

I left my hand out... waiting forever for you to take it.

2009-08-01T22:50:00.002+10:00

The day. The day. I don't know. Let's just talk about it first. I overslept by 4 hours again. Cause I didn't want to wake up. Gah. FUCK IT. Okay, I got up, took a shower then went to Springvale with Ai Fang and Sha. We went for yum cha. It was good of course. Had a good time chatting to Ai Fang and eating different kinds of foods. It's cool that she knows how to cook a lot of the foods there at the yum cha place in Springy~ Then we went grocery shopping and stuffs. I bought a lot of baked goods for next week's lunch, lol. And meat for dinner. Bought bubble tea - although the one at Springvale isn't as good (but cheaper - assuming you aren't at HappyCup). And there goes my money for the week. My wallet was literally empty by the end. I am spending too much. Gah.

We got home by like 2:17 PM and I went out again near to 3 PM for Volleyball! There was me, Sebby, Sha, Cas, Thomas, Leon, Vu, Lesley, Bernie-kun and his girlfriend Melissa (yes he isn't single anymore!! How dare he keep this all from us!!!). Leon came a bit late, so me and Vu went to get him as he wonderously wandered around lost (also known as - walk in the opposite direction from where we actually were). Actual volleyball... well, I am the ultimate fail to be honest. I can only serve. Vu is really good but he played in high school he said. Leon hits with too much strength, so whenever he served everyone on his team ducked. It was funny to watch Sha play cause she ducked a lot to stay safe from... everyone. LOL. Vu and Thomas I think both smacked the ball outside the gate area, first time Lesley like climbed over the gate (SO EPIC I WANNA CLIMB OVER A GATE!!) then Vu did it then Thomas did it! So cool.

After that it started raining. And it was cold. So we left. Les drove people home, while me, Leon and Vu walked home. Then we all hate hot choco and tea at my house. Yi Xin came home from her day outing with cousins, and like brought home churros!! Yay~ Les didn't eat any though (I was guessing she's still on her no-choco diet). We sat and chatted for like more then an hour I think then Sebby + Les left. Kei Boon and John were like cooking the entire time, while me, Sha, Xin, Cas, Thomas, Vu and Leon were like sitting around talking. I was kinda happy that Thomas and Cas were able to talk to Vu and Leon and the rest of us - cause sometimes when I have friends over it doesn't always match up. And it just gets awkward. But the two guys are way friendly so I'm glad it was good (well Cas said that she liked them for once lol - the randoms we bring home).

After Vu and Leon left... uhh I cooked my apple crumble pie for dessert. And the guys had finished their dinner contribution already, Xin made soup, Sha did vegetables and Ai Fang made fried mince wrapped in that beancurd skin and curry chicken. And yeah, the house ate dinner together - which was really good. Cooking dinner in the small kitchen was rather chaotic though, John is incredibly mean to me and keeps intentionally bumping into me at every chance he can find. Kei Boon pretends to be the good kid until he starts playing jokes on you or goes sarcastic. XD It's funny though. Ai Fang's curry was spicy, hahaha. My apple crumble pie was too wet - but it was alright I suppose. I went back to my room early to 'study' which didn't happen. It was just MSN for the rest of the night.

I tried.

It seems that my distraction for the past few days may be over soon. What distraction? Well... as someone said it to me "I see. When you help other people with their problems you forget your own temporarily." That pretty much sums me up. Then I think both Leon and Yi Xin asked me basically "So like... what is gonna happen to you now?" Good question. I would like to know this too. Where does this leave me? I don't know. It's cool if everything works out for my mates in current times. It looks like this is what's happening. So I'm glad. Now I wonder... how long am I gonna be left here waiting... for my wish to come true?

I don't know. I said I needed another distraction. To get me through the next week. I don't know. I just hate this all. Maybe. Perhaps. I don't see why I need a distraction in life. What am I seeking? I don't know. I was having this convo once on what it meant to be depressed (not depression of course - no mental illnesses here). I thought I wasn't depressed or anything. But then I heard someone else describing what being depressed meant to them and well... I know that feeling all too well. So I guess I do cover those symptoms. You know, when you hate to wake up, when you feel unmotivated to do anything (whether it's homework, or just fun stuff like gaming or anime watching), when you don't feel like eating, when you just want to sleep and never wake up again... greatest joy right now is for me to escape reality as much as I can. Be in denial. And wish time would just stop forever. But it doesn't, it never has and it never will. And I don't know how I can adjust to this any longer.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate hate hate hate hate all of this.

I had another convo to talk about the importance of people and their problems. My problem is very minor. Damn, I hate myself. I can't handle anything, eh? I fail at life. I am overly dependant, and can't adjust. Can't accept things. I just wanna escape. But I can't escape. I don't know. Everyone else faces greater things then me? Why am I not stronger then? Why can't I be okay? Am I okay? People ask me what's up. I don't want to say "I'm okay." I am NOT OKAY. I have never been okay. I don't ever recall being okay.

I just wanna smash my head continously against a wall. Maybe if I do that I'll get amnesia. Then I'll be okay. That'll be awesome. But I don't want a concussion. Yes, I am rambling. It's what happens when I'm in this mood where I'm confused. I dunno, maybe I'll just be a mushroom again next week. Against a wall. Until I see a hand reaching out for me, part of me can't even remember what I've been waiting for all this time. But I know that I previously decided, and felt - upon my self that I would wait as long as I needed to.

I wish it was raining right now. If it was I would sooo take a walk in the rain. I did that once. I left the house here at like 12 AM. For no reason. I sat in the rain. I remember that day. I just dreamed of someone coming to hold out a hand and ask me to go back inside. No one came in the end. I went in after a half hour or so when I was freezing. Okay, there is no reason doing that. As there is no reason to dream in this world. But whatever. Even if I continued to stay alone, the rain and the cold felt nice I guess.

Haha. I guess if a mood was a song I'd be playing Richard Marx' "Right Here Waiting."

When things continue to go haywire...

2009-07-31T11:05:00.004+10:00

And things continue to be weird. Can't be bothered doing my normal blog. Let's see... I am currently trying to get my head around....

1.) Helping two of my friends. I've been put in an odd position - I think I understand how Yi Xin felt now - being the one stuck in between. It confuses me. Greatly. And I do not like it, to watch one or the other... in so much pain. May they always be happy. It's a dumb thing to say but, even if I find it hard to smile, I really want everyone around me too. If my friends can be happy, I'll realise that one day I can too.

2.) I am getting increasingly restless. You will not know how much time I spend in my room, sitting there staring at the wall or ceiling wishing there was something I could do. If I had to be honest, I also really want my box cutter back. But I think if I ask Yi Xin now she won't give it back to me. And I do still have my promise to Leon... dammit Leon >.<>.> Even if it's for my own sake... Sha told me don't go and leave scars on yourself. Speaking of scars ~ the one on my arm I noticed is fading. So I'm pretty happy about that. I dunno whether I mentioned this or not. I had a scar on my arm from December I got from shopping... for a gift for someone. Cause I spent like a week running around looking for something nice, and during my rushing about I accidentally sliced a part of my arm. And the scar never disappeared from that. It really annoyed me because it was a reminder to me of my useless efforts (as I couldn't give it anymore by the time I could physically see that person again), and my useless times of hoping, wishing and looking forward to something. I don't know what these things mean anymore but either case, I'm glad the scar is disappearing.

3.) I feel bad. Yeah, I know people are worried. I'm sorry. Sorry to Xin, Sha, Leon, Sammi, K-man, Tom, James and everyone else... I did try to tell people to just forget about me and let me rot. But I know Xin and Leon at least said they would never give up... >.<;; Not too sure what to do...

I guess I may as well do the daily entries. Uhh.. I woke up at like... 10 AM. After sleeping at 1 last night. I've been sleeping too much these days. But it's a sign for me that something is wrong. Cause I refuse to wake up. I refuse to get out of bed. Because I would rather not have to wake up and face the day as usual anymore. It's why I sleep so much. I hate it of course. Even after getting up, within a half hour I was burying my head under my pillow again. And I think I cried a bit but it was like for only 5 minutes so meh... not really anything. I decided to get up straight after cause I was like "OH FUCK THIS SHIT..." and jumped out of bed to shower then go to uni to get some fish and chips.

So off to uni I went, and bought myself some fish and chips. I normally don't eat at uni due to budget constraints, but I said I would once a week. Saw Hieu and Kevin there. Then off to Airport Lounge. Umm... spent lunch chatting with K-man and Leon (and whoever else came near us once in a while). Mahjong group and gamers was basically there. I noticed that Kimmy, Rachel, Jeremy and others were missing. I found out later that everyone ran off to Knox without me. *sniffles* LOL I must learn to be online more often! But I wasn't online much yesterday anyway (by the time I got home, I spent the time drinking some hot choco then I continued sleeping practically in Xin's room half sobbing a bit and just chatting...).

Then the dantai went off. Our 4th day of continous practice. I should be able to complete the dance now for both Toroden and Princess Bride, just need to make it a bit better now. It seems that Jono has now forced both Damien and Martin to learn Hare Hare Yukai as people seem to be dropping out quite a bit. Funny stuff that happened.... uhh.. Amanda T. came to try on Ranna's schoolgirl uniform! It was SUPER MOE!!! CUTE CUTE CUTE. And wayyy sexy. I wanna be so cute and awesome like her *__* I wish wish wish wish~ Martin tried it on before she came. And he ran around being chased by Jono cause he didn't want his photo taken. BEST PHOTOS EVER. Check out Damien's photo album for the evidence of it all.

Near to 5 PM, I left when everyone else was gone. Went back to airport lounge and just sat talking to K-man, Brad, Lawrence, Will and randoms a bit. Leon, Mel, Linda and em' were like sitting at the stage watching a Jdrama on the couch. LOL. It was rather cute to see the group of them. Law kept shoving up the PLANTS VS ZOMBIES SONG IN MY EAR. THE HORROR. IT BURNS MY EARS!!! I left near to 6 PM and went home. Umm... Jono, Xin, Cas, Ai Fang, Kei Boon and John were in the kitchen. I decided to bake lava cakes which didn't turn out too well. Overcooked, I baked another two cakes that were a bit undercooked but more molten at least. I think it was decent (says Cas). Well, it was eating happiness apparently so I hope that means its good! Dinner was nice, Sha and Xin cooked. Chicken wings and some mushroom + vegetable dishes. Ate with Sha, Xin and Jono! Funny stuff in the kitchen... uhh.. Kei Boon keeps washing dishes and getting in my way. When John came home Sha was like "There is an ugly person outside making funny faces at me." and I tried to deny entry to 'ugly' people but John as usual pushed his way through.

And other random things I can't remember. Anyway, I went back to room at 9 PM, and continued to basically be on MSN for like another 5 hours. Trying my best to help people as I can. I don't think getting involved with things is always a good idea - as I don't wanna cause more problems, or influence anyone. But I hope people always remember that I'm always around to help you out too. So meh, just come and ask me. I dunno, I guess it's my personality - even when I'm crying in my own room, if you let me know that you need help - I'll probably put myself to the back of the line and priortise your welfare. I guess this is one of my stronger points - or maybe another example of my selfishness. Why an example? The notion of... helping others to make yourself feel better. I suspect that I support other people for my own welfare and satisfaction. Thus, it doesn't make me a good person at all. Makes me even worse. A real good person helps because they want to. Not because they do so for their own self satisfaction.

Tomorrow is another day. I am not to sure how much I want it to come. But I hate saying that I don't want tomorrow to come. It is insulting my precious friends to be depressed? So why...? I don't know. Keep in mind that I am merely 'depressed' though, I don't have depression (which is a mental illness). Thus, I am not saying anything anyone should be worried about. I realise now that I have little to worry for, and I can't even do anything crazy cause I a.) am not gonna get myself killed and b.) I won't hurt myself right now at least cause of my promise to Leon since I don't realy want to insult an important friend who is showing concern. And to everyone else too. Xin said so herself - that I should at least think about other people then who is watching over me. I know that. But it makes me hate myself even more.

Gah. Enough for today. Spent too many hours thinking already. Head hurting...

I hate it all.

2009-07-29T22:30:00.002+10:00

Will update blog soon. But I can note down a few things right now...

1.) I am falling behind work already. SAME MISTAKE AS SEMESTER 1! Go Celine! Being emotional. Thinking about the wrong things in class. And not listening. For the exact same reasons as semester 1. It seems that 5 FUCKING MONTHS of feeling like I have no more heart left in me hasn't done a thing. I tried my best to be happy! I really tried. I managed to get through exams and barely scrape through my units in semester 1. I owe a large amount of that to Leon, Amanda, Mel, James and em'.

I still haven't gotten anywhere though. GO ME!! I fail so badly. Sure, my little non-existent heart was taken away. I should of gotten it back. I should be okay now. I SHOULD BE OKAY NOW!! WHY AM I NOT???? WHY AM I FUCKING NOT???

2.) You know it's bad when you come home YESTERDAY (like TUESDAY) wondering where the FUCK YOU PUT ALL YOUR BOX CUTTERS IN YOUR ROOM. But don't worry! I can't find it. Amanda has it! No, I won't do anything. I'm not stupid. I made a promise to a friend I won't do anything stupid. So I will not break that promise or I'll insult his wishes. So I won't...

Now what the fuck do I do though? I don't want to FUCKING RISK FAILING THIS SEMESTER AGAIN. I can't concentrate in class. I can't laugh properly. I can't do anything properly. I hate it. I hate myself for being like this. I hate myself for being stupid. I hate myself for screwing up. I hate myself for saying the wrong things. I hate myself for doing this to myself. I hate myself for being a useless piece of trash that you would throw away because I am that useless piece of trash.

I am nothing.

A Day at Kimmy's

2009-07-10T00:07:00.000+10:00

Today was basically a day spent at Kimmy's house! I woke up fairly early as I had to get to Clayton by 11 something-ish. This IS late for me cause like... I went to sleep late the night before I think. I metup with Andrew Kim at uni bus loop then we bus-ed over to Clayton to meet up with Leon. We waited for the next bus after that to take us to Springvale South, where Kimmy is. And off we went, we didn't really know where to get off, but luckily Kimmy called. Kimmy, Rachel and Yih were waiting for us at the bus stop. We walked over to the park like a minute away. Munched on snacks, played on some weird thing to climb on and had a good time on the swings. Steve came soon after. It was pretty chilly and my layers of jackets wasn't enough it seems for the wind. Luckily Leon wears like 100000 layers of clothing so I got to borrow his jacket, although from the photos I realise I look like a penguin with 4 layers of clothing on.

After the park, we couldn't find Vu... so we walked over to Kimmy's house. It's pretty big, but I think she lives with a lot of people. First we hung out at Kimmy's room. She has SO many like dolls...and posters ALLLL over her room. I was like... WOAH... so this is what a girl's room is like. I'm so boring and plain. We were on the internets for a bit, then we went to the lounge area for some Singstar. It was Disney songs and Hannah Montana, High School Musical and Camp Rock songs. I sang a bit here and there. Kimmy and Rachel are quite an awesome pair (as Kimmy is high and Rachel is low). Hearing Leon, Steve and Vu sing was funny of course. After we got through Disney, Hannah Montana CD was funny cause we didn't really know the music there. Like vaguely. Like I sang a song I heard only once from High School Musical 2 when I saw that movie on the plane ride back to Brunei last year. Funniest was making the guys sing Jessie McCartney!! LOL.

After this... we decided that we needed lunch. And Yih needed to head back home. So we all spent 20 minutes walking to the nearest Red Rooster. I ate like some $3 snack thing that was good enough for a lunch. After this, we walked back to Kimmy's place again, I left my camera at her house. So the guys had to wait for me too. And we missed the bus that comes every 40 minutes. We all hung in Kimmy's room again for a while on the nets and stuff, then me, Leon and Andrew Kim went to Clayton (everyone else had left by now). Andrew Kim was going to the city for a Poker competition or something, while me and Leon went to uni to see if Jono still needed help with his Pocky structure. James and K-man were there too.

At uni... umm... Xin, her sis and Jono did all the Pocky buliding work. James and K-man just sat around talking to someone else. I didn't do anything either, nor did Leon. We are all very useful, lol. Add another hour to that, I spent most of the time just sitting around blankly, oh yeah Mel was there too but she just kept reading manga. Like continously. Uhh... yeah, I just chatted with James, and K-man and stuffs. We all went to visit Jono's office just to put away the unused Pocky boxes after. Had a little adventure in the Engineering deparment, lol. Then me, Xin and Yi Ting walked home. We had a very basic dinner (forgot what it was) and just spent the time online, packing and going to sleep soon after since we're flying off tomorrow!

Mini-Golf

2009-07-09T00:02:00.003+10:00

Yay! Today was mini golf! I woke up... and went to uni to meet up with the bus loop group. They were all sitting around and stuffs. We took the bus, and I found it funny that the guys all intentionally had spaces in between each of them. So antisocial!! Our short walk to the mini golf place had me and Rachel complaining about how slow the guys were. And Jenni walking so fast she was gone before we knew it. At the place, we all met up and got into our group's of 4 for mini golf!! I was with Leon, Sammi and Evan. I generally failed at mini golf~ my first few rounds was Leon saying to me to hit it softly and watch as I smack the ball too hard that it never goes in. I obviously didn't know what softly meant. :D I got better as time went on. Behind us was a group with Yvonne, James, Damien, Vu and co. They made fun of us at times but it was all really funny I guess. Evan is pretty good at mini golf! Leon and Sammi are decent. XD

After our first 18 holes outside, we went to do the ones indoors. Over here, we could see Rachel, Tom, Sam and Steve. The only other group involved Phe, Ash, Ash's sister and Jenni. I did equally as bad indoors as I did outdoors! The courses had a bunch of elevators and other weird things. There was a hole in one hole in which I couldn't get a hole in one. T.T There was only like ONNEEE hole where I did better then the others. And that was only one. XD The last hole got funny points cause you can easily get it one shot but I think it was Steve or Rachel who apparently couldn't, lol.

After mini golf, we went to maccas for lunch! Extremely late lunch. XD It was funny cause like, we all tumbled into Steve and Sammi's car, when Ash and Damien's car still had seats open and they are the ones who are technically allowed to drive more people. Oh wells. Maccas was just random crap. Then we walked home from the Mulgrave maccas. Or I did anyway. Vu wanted to go to MSY but there was too many people there, so he decided to head up to the computer shop up on Normanby road. I couldn't be bothered walking so I just went back home. I know that Tom, Sam and Rachel went home after this too. At home I was just on the net the whole time. Later on in the evening, Leon, Evan and Vu came over! And we spent like an hour with those three guys in my room chatttting about random things. XD I dunno why but it was sort of nice to just talk sometimes. ^^;; Oh, that and it was funny to see Vu playing with my teddy (IT'S CUTE) and Leon flipping and throwing my hamster plushie everywhere. Evan was busy copying my anime collection, lol.

Vu left first. Then Evan and Leon eventually. I went down for dinner but I can't remember what happened there. I think I ate with my new housemates. Oh! Apparently Mei Xian left today @.@ Which I didn't realise. But not even Yi Xin had the chance to say good bye to her. Gah. I recall spending the night on MSN having some interesting convos. LOL.

Ice Age 3

2009-07-08T00:43:00.002+10:00

I had a bad morning in terms of dreams. Had a dream of... stuff that I've buried deeeeep in the back of my mind. Sucks for it to haunt me in dreams. I keep it out of my thoughts, why can't it just stay there? Stupid dreams that remind me that I miss things... and I still do even now. Bah. I am glad at least these sort of mornings don't happen often anymore. So, it's all good. I was prepared for it anyway. I can just ignore things forever if I so wanted to. But certain friends of mine did say that well, if things did mean that much to me it might never go away? I am just gonna ignore certain stuff forever from now on. I was just taken aback that my dreams had to remind me.

Morning was just net. I had an early lunch on my own as I was hungry. Brunch as you would call it. I went to uni by 1 PM to join up with the dantai. Practiced with them until 3 PM. Then went to the bus loop to meet up with K-man who returned from Sydney. He was gonna join me as I went around searching for Miffy to buy for Tom for his bday!! We went to Chaddy, and shortly Zac came along too (we were also all gonna watch Ice Age 3). In the end, after checking various shops, a small Miffy was found but it was too expensive for such a small plushie. We went to like Toys R Us and stuffs. I found Miffy in that store with Japanese stuff and goth loli clothes but yeah... tooo much!! XD So yes! Ice Age 3! It was with K-man, James, Yi Xin, Lesley and Zac. The movie itself was amusing - I thought it was funny. I never actually saw the second movie, but I did the first one. I was surprised James came but he did (probably cause of K-man). They both went to watch Bruno after - they tried to convince me to come but I couldn't handle two movies, lol. Plus my wallet would burn.

After Ice Age 3, we ate at the western place right outside the cinema. I just had pasta. Then we went to BORDERS until the guys had to like go... and watch Bruno. BORDERS had this TERRIBLE TERRIBLE song playing - something about "wash your hands with toothpaste!" and stuff like that. In the end the song WAS IN MY HEAD, and I kept saying wash my hands with toothpaste... and that makes no sense. We left when Jimmy and K-man had to go - and Lesley drove me and Xin home for the night.

And then there was two...

2009-07-07T23:16:00.000+10:00

Woke up to say bye to Jia Chee. Uhh... I wanted to like everyone eat Tim Tams (which is tradition) and drink tea or hot chocolate at the table but when we tried to do that one of our new housemate's auntie and uncle came to the house and was just talking to us all for ages. So there went that idea. Oh well, lol. We all hugged JC and she left. Was a bit weird. Cause she left. And... it was just the remainder of us left. Where the crap did the time go? It's just weird... Me and Xin went to uni for Dantai practice. I just ate like a sushi roll for lunch, lol.

Not much happened. Stan joined us for practiced. And Emma. And Ash' sister. And Eric (year 10 MHS kid - he introduced himself as 'Leon's friend'). And uhh... *thinks* Oh yeah Martin! That's 4 visitors, lol. The group of us was there until 5 PM. Well, in the end it was me, Xin, Jono and Martin left. I asked Martin to leave at 5 PM also to just leave Xin and Jono alone hahaha, and I like refused to walk home with Xin.

Walk home was a bit lonely and depressing though. Oh well, as normal with me of course! Whatever. Like, seriously. Whatever. Or so I say now. I know it isn't whatever. But you know, I like to pretend I never care about anything. Maybe if I do that enough I really won't care one day. I forgot what me and Xin did for dinner, lol. I think we just ate instant noodles or something. It was just the two of us afterall!

Rachel's House

2009-07-06T22:56:00.000+10:00

Today I went to Rachel's house! It was also Jia Chee's final night in Melbourne. As Xin went out with Jono, and Jia Chee was packing + closing bank accounts and stuff. I thought I would go visit Rachel! So I met up with her at Glenny station at uh... 10:30 AM I think it was. I wanted to be the first MCAC affiliated member to visit her place, but Law took that spot (I recall SMS-ing her going STONE HIM when I realised he was taking my spot! But I get the #1 girl spot at least). Yay, it took two buses and a 2 minute walk to get to her place. At her house... well first things first. She has a WAYYYY CUTE house. It looked small from the outside, but then I was surprised at all the extensions on her house, the rooms just kept appearing on the inside!! Her room is so cute, so pink and there are like STUFFED PLUSHIES EVERYWHERE!! Like, on the bed, table, shelf, couch and wherever else. I looked at her manga collection, and then she connected her laptop to her TV screen. With MSN on. Uhh... I first of all attempted to impersonate her by talking to Chris on MSN. But that doesn't work too well cause a.) she doesn't talk to Chris often so it was strange and b.) I made it obvious it was me with the talking style and the way I address Chris myself.

We basically spent the afternoon watching anime! And a bit of gaming. Umm... lunch was lasagna! Which she cooked for me and her brother. Anime... we watched first episode of Umineko no Naku Koro ni (YAY new shows), second episode of Reborn (cause I forced her) and first episode of Minami-ke (as Rachel and her bro forced me too). Rachel had an XBox 360, so her and her bro have been playing FREAKIN TALES OF VESPERIA!!! OMFG I WANT THAT GAME SO BADLY! But I don't have a FREAKIN XBOX 360!! And I know they made a remake for the game but it's on PS3!! I DON'T HAVE A PS3!! GAHHHH. As a console RPG gamer and Tales Of franchise fan, I NEED TO PLAY THAT GAME. Okay, I can't say I am a major Tales Of fan having only playing Tales of the Abyss, Tales of Legendia, Tales of Eternia, Tales of Destiny and a bit of Tales of Phantasia. But you know, I think I'm doing pretty good. Tales of Vesperia was so awesome. OMG, third generation console RPG games. I haven't played anything for ages. So this is what it's like. I wonder what it is like playing an RPG on the PS3. @.@ One day... if I have a job. I shall get a TV and a PS3. LOL. And games. Yes I will...

Rachel did game over though. It's an RPG but like, multiple controllers means that multiple people can play cause like... the battle system of Tale Of games is real time fighting rather then the traditional turned based battle (Final Fantasy style) for instance. I was a bit confused, cause while I have played multiple Tales Of games it does change each game and I couldn't really do much fighting. Button mashing works anyway. Long as you don't die, lol.

We watched Minami-ke after this as the siblings forced me to insisting how great it is. I then went home a bit later, Rachel walked me to my bus! When I got home, Jia Chee was ready to go out soon-ish. I went to Glenny earlier as my 2 hour bus ticket would expire otherwise! So I walked around Woolworths and stuffs to kill time but there wasn't much to do. Then JC and Mei Xian came. Uhh... we were in Glenny to eat dinner together. We waited for Christina! We decided to eat at the Hot Pot House in Glenny. YES! Steam boat!!! It was full of people. We had steam boat buffet where you just ORDER A TON OF FOOD. But the place didn't deliver us all the food they owe us!! Cause they knew we wouldn't eat it. WE JUST ATE A TON OF MEAT. Like a ton of meat. I ate so much it was ridiculous. But it was all you can eat after all. And it was expensive. Like $22 or something, lol.

After that, we went home. I opened the door and there was a SCREEEEAAAM. Yep, new housemate! In Joanne and Mei Xian's room. As she's here for a few more days, they are sharing the room then our new housemate, Ai Fang, keeps the room to herself. Xin told me that she was super funny, and super loud. And I could tell straight off! Hahaha. Apparently the new guys in the house also moved in on this day but I didn't notice em', lol. Xin was home already when we got home. And I can't remember what else we did.

The Proposal

2009-07-05T22:34:00.000+10:00

Today turned out to be a rather amusing day actually. Most of it was spent sleeping! I basically slept for ages. I think I was supposed to clean my room today but that didn't happen, lol. I woke up around 10:30 AM-ish, cause Joanne woke me up. She was leaving today! I still had our purikura pictures, she needed to get em' before she left. I woke up and we all hung in her room. Eventually, it was time to say good bye and we all made our farewells at the door! It was sad. @.@

Uhh.. then it was lunch. And I was supposed to clean my room. But I didn't. I was on MSN during the afternoon. I think I was like talking to Leon and James. Jimmy was asking me about watching a movie, so I was like ICE AGE 3. Then Jimmy went silent, then Leon tells me in another con that Ice Age 3 is like a crappy indie movie. Obviously they were discussing in another convo without me about how crappy Ice Age 3 was! I guess it's a girl / children's thing to want to watch Ice Age? I think they wanted to see uh... was it Land of the Lost? I wasn't that interested though. In the end, it was like... they would watch a chick flick like The Proposal if a girl went with them. Otherwise it would be too gay for two guys to watch a chick flick. So it was decided! I thought I would eat dinner at maccas with Jimmy and Leon, and we would watch The Proposal! Haha. Near to 4:30 PM, I popped over to Clayton (with Xin's metcard) to buy cheaper movie tickets, and came home. A few hours later Jimmy picked me up to Chaddy maccas.

When we got there we saw Leon stoning out in maccas alone and Jimmy whispers to ignore him. I tried to but he was clearly staring at us. And Jimmy continued to ignore him. And then waved. I think Leon mentioned that a woman was looking at one man waving at another while meeting up. Heh. Eating in maccas with Jimmy and Leon is like watching the two most gayest men sit around feeling each other up. LOL. I recall lots of bad words being thrown around, and me having to look up what 'bukkake' means on wiki~ XD There was another word but I couldn't remember what, and Leon banned me from looking it up on Google! Images. We then went to the cinema. Uhh.. watching a chick flick with these two guys is like LOLs. So like, Leon was in the middle, so I had a wonderful view from my seat next to them as I watch James put his arm around Leon, put his hand on his thigh and crap. I can imagine what people behind us are thinking. LOL. During The Proposal's romantic bits of course!! But yeah, I thought it was a wonderful movie!! I kept going KYAAAA~ and gushing and stuffs! Although I think the guys thought I was totally nuts. But I can't help liking these sort of stories. I was sort of like sinking into my seat half the time and shoving my jacket in front of my face like a little girl.

Don't we all just wish that things would go well as you want it to? We all wish for it. It just doesn't happen. At least not with me anyway. Everyone tells me to just keep on hoping. So fine, I will. I'll hope until my mouth gives its last breath. That my story can end like a fairytale too.

After the movie, I was KYAAA-ing the whole time. And James drove Leon and me home! I know where he lives now!!! LOLOLOL. I think it's supposed to be a secret or something. When I got home, Xin was cooking a bento for Jono for their date tomorrow! It was way cute of her!! SUPER CUTE!! She needed help on muffins. As she burnt her muffins and they raised so much it was a big giant burnt mess. So I got another recipe and tried it out again. And we sat around baking and chatting with Cas. I liked her burnt muffins though. I was still on fangirling and KYAAA-ing in the kitchen though! The bento was really nice looking, with cute cute cute onigiri! I commented saying that I wish I could bake and cook something for someone special. I wanna make a bento for someone I love one day.

I hope I live to see that day. Truly.

Laserwars and farewell celebration...

2009-07-04T00:04:00.000+10:00

YAY! Laserwars again. This time with other people and Jono and friends. Uhh... so what happened. We got there, and stood around. And did not do very much, lol. I generally stayed with the MCAC people. Apparently Jono had like excess of $100 in payments so he gave people cash to buy snacks with it. And then it started. Umm... stuff that happened. Well I played DDR a few times. Kriz and Alex were there, so watching Alex DDR is always awesome cause he's epic. Heh. I only spoke to one of Jono's friends outside MCAC affiliation, one of his church friends, some guy in first year who had military training. He was commenting on how weird he thought Jono and [dantai] friends were cause they were practicing a bit at the back of the area during a laserwars break. A nice person but I did have to mention that I was part of the group of weirdos, lol.

Actual laserwars! We did the standard array of stuff. One difference with MCAC is that tag wasn't taken so well, I guess the guys found it boring. And that the MCAC people who did come to laserwars were like veterans compared to everyone else. I am CRAP but I was like ranking between 4th - 7th every round in a game of 30+ people. One thing that we did do though was what Stan wanted to do during MCAC's laserwars was Space Marines. MCAC didn't do it probably cause capture the flag was confusing already and anything else was too confusing. *shrugs* But we managed to do it here so I don't get it. IT WAS AWESOME! Plain awesome. Difference between Space Marines is that you have 4 roles that everyone takes on. The commando (goes rambo on everyone), Heavy Weapons (the tank), The Scout (has rapid fire but you don't want to use this due to ammo so it's useless), The Ammo person (unlimited ammo - has to give ammo to everyone else) and the Medic (gives life to people). Ammo is probably most useful cause it has unlimited ammo and everyone else needs ammo too. I was a useless scout, and I was in the more MCAC team with more veterans in it. Jono directed everyone to their roles and we kept winning every round. I felt bad for the other group. @.@ My role was to guard the vantage point, one of the towers. I was with Kriz (who was a medic and never played a game before until this one - she was photographing for the majority of laserwars) and umm... another guy I don't know and I forgot his name. All I remember was that round one, they stormed the tower right at the start so I was yelling for reinforcements so we took it back. Then the rest of the round was really quiet and peaceful. Since we were just camping.

Round 2 was pretty much the same for me. At the end of this round the green team (we were red team) were angry at us taking the towers so they stormed us but it was end game. Round 3 the guy let green team go inside the arena first so they took over the entire area. Red team had no base left so we were like... LOLOLOL *storms into green base first since there are only a few guards*. We got that but didn't bother protecting it cause we didn't care. Then we throughout the arena in like um... a formation where ammo / medic was in the middle, and the rest of us was around them to move in a clump like that. I was the rear guard, lol. We basically took back both towers but rambo-ing everyone. That was a lot of fun!!

Round 3 I pretty much run around joining the team of people who's job was to rambo into bases. The game was like capture the flag too, so yeah... we needed to storm into green team's base at times. There was one time where I managed to like take people out by myself cause I couldn't find the rest of my team. It was wayyyy fun. Besides that, I ate lots of food (I discovered that rice cakes are AWESOME!!!) and not much else. Some guy gave me 74 tickets from those arcade ticket games, so I exchanged it for a little notebook keyring thing. Hehe. Anyway, we left by 6 AM to catch a 6:10 AM bus that we missed unfortunately. Not saying bye to anyone. @.@

When I got home, I slept until 11 or 12 PM. Got up to eat lunch and cooked food for tonight for the remainder of the afternoon. I was supposed to like go to the bus loop by 5 or something to meet up with the bus people, but Phe was in too much pain from laserwars so he dropped out. Tsan was too busy to come. So it was just Alex and Stan left. James MSN-ed me asking if I wanted a lift, I would take his offer but Jia Chee didn't know about other people being at this event yet! But I took it anyway, then I gave up hiding it from Jia Chee when Alex came over too early and I couldn't hide him outside in the cold. Plus, James was around 10 minutes late so yeah I just told her everything in the end. Jimmy drove the three of us to Bernie's house first, then went to pick up JC + Xin an hour later.

At Bernie's house, umm... I baked cinnamon rolls! Drue thought they looked gross. He was there for only a moment since he had something else on. I also made quiche tarts in the afternoon! Jimmy made chocolate pie. Bernie made Shepherd's pie. Chris brought a carrot and celery sticks platter. Lesley made her giant cookies. Xin and Jia Chee came with like chicken and pasta bake. Jono brought veggies. Stanny made curry fish head! I forgot what else was there. Bernie-kun, Ally... uhh... yeah and I forgot what Alex did. Anyway, the night was a quiet night of food, video games and YouTube videos. For games, first it was Guitar Hero!! I got to play the drums!! It was pretty cool. I thought I picked it up pretty quick. My guitar hero skills are mediocre but I can sort of keep up with Chris + James (not Bernie though who is like hax~). Drums was fun but hard. And Raving Rabits or whatever with those insane rabbits cause I know Jia Chee liked that game although it makes people like James go OMFGWTF!!! It was funny anyway cause I pwned James in it basically :D :D LOLOLOLOL.

YouTube videos... Stanny and Chris were showing us stuff. Of all the Asian YouTube bloggers. Like some Chonny guy or whatever who was like... singing Captain Planet in this most ridiculous way. I thought they were pretty funny!! Some insane videos, lol. I should look at YouTube stuff more often (but it is banned at my house, meh). Night ended in me falling asleep and everyone playing Guitar Hero until people got tired (after we got through the rabbits thing). I think I left at 1 AM (we were the last few people to leave) as umm... Jimmy drove us home I think. Thanks Bernie for letting us use her house for the party!!

OP Shopping

2009-07-03T23:30:00.002+10:00

ZOMG... writing entry.. 2 weeks later. Can't... remember. Haha. Oh right! Now I remember. I was supposed to go to the city with Jia Chee and Amanda today. But the night before Jia Chee told me that was cancelled. Apparently they were gonna go to Chaddy for Koko Black or something. And I wasn't invited. Oh more like, she said I could come but she was reluctant to even notify me fearing that I would get upset to know who they were going out with. But couldn't really keep it from me considering we were supposed to head to the city. So I like... meh, okay plans cancelled there. I picked up my phone sent two text messages and yeah, my day was to go OP Shopping with Phe and Ashleigh! Ash invited me weeks ago but yeah, I wasn't gonna go at first. Gomen, Phe-chan ~ if you read this but you know - thanks for keeping me company on this day. Even if I came on purpose cause I knew if I stayed at home to rest I would have like a panic attack in my home while everyone else was out. I like to avoid panic attacks and stuffs cause I'm sort of tired of it all already and I dunno how much more I can take. Meh. Being indifferent is so much easier I think...

So yes! OP Shopping. Uhh... I slept quite a bit and at 1 PM went to bus loop where Ash picked me up. And Phe-chan. We went to Cheltenham basically and met up with Emma at the station there. We just went to a bunch of OP shops and found nothing. And lunch was ice cream at Dairy Bell! It was awesome. I had chocolate of course~ that was chocolate dipped with a wafer cone. It was way good. We hopped over to Southland after that. I felt a bit odd there to be honest cause I haven't been there since last year when I went with umm... Jia Chee, Les and... yeah... oh well. Need to get over these things. I know. It was fail on my part anyway. Phe was so tired that umm... we decided to go home by like 3 PM, lol.

Uhh... Emma and Ash hung around for a bit drinking hot choco and waiting for Jia Chee to return from Chaddy to say bye to her. After that, me and Phe blacked out. Haha. Phe stayed to sleep on my couch! And he stayed for dinner too, which I thought was rather odd since it's a very... unusual guest I would say. We both woke up to Jia Chee's porridge dinner which was nice. Then our house (me, Phe, Amanda, Jia Chee, Cas and Thomas) walked over to Stanny's house. It was laserwars tonight, meet up point with Jono was at Stan/Alex's place. The guys were playing LOTR Risk. Haven't seen Kriz in a while ~ she was watching stuff with Phe. Cas and em' played cards on the floor. I played a game of cards then went to nap in Stanny's room for more energy. Anyway, past 11 PM we got up and ran for the bus. Jia Chee ran home since like... she wasn't going to laserwars. She took the bus to avoid walking home far though. Anyway, we got to Sidetracked nicely on time. And laserwars entry is for the next day.

Cook-a-thon

2009-07-02T10:29:00.000+10:00

Okay, the cook-a-thon refers to a pot luck we had tonight that Jia Chee dubbed a cook-a-thon but it was just a normal dinner really, lol. I think she just wanted it sound cooler. We watched movies until around 5 AM, and I didn't sleep until 7 AM I think. But yes, the movies. Forrest Gump was interesting. I liked it. I slept through Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy or whatever unfortunately. I watched Lord of the Flies. Very interesting. Don't really like seeing little boys hurt each other. But I thought it would be more bloody, it wasn't. It was interesting in that it showed as the boys degenerated more and more to their primal instincts, but in the end it wasn't very much. I mean like a movie critic quoted, kids on the street do much more nasty things to each other then what is seen in that movie. Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down. OMFG WHY THE HELL DID WE WATCH THIS? It was.... the most ridiculous movie ever. The sex scene was like nearing porn and we were like "OMFG WHY ARE WE WATCHING PORN TOGETHER????" The main characters are messed up. They FELL IN LOVE THROUGH... the most violent relationship EVER?? WTFFFF!!!

Went to sleep at 7AM! Movies finished at 5 AM but I stuck around online a bit longer. Woke up around 1 AM. Woke up in time for lunch. Can't remember what I ate though. Then I went to Clayton by myself again! I had to cook food for the cook-a-thon! Clayton was fairly fast though as I tried to move quick. I was gonna go with Xin but she like left early and left Clayton before I got there. @.@ So I shopped around until Stan came! We went to the fish market and stuffs. That night, V, Tsan and Eric (Jia Chee's friend) didn't come. So it was just Alex L. and Stanny that came over! Cas and Thomas was eating with us too so I made sure to make vegan food! Dessert we had churros but I made vegan brownies for Thomas. And uhh... I fried vegan noodles. Made it with like fake mince and fake meat loaf, and some vegetables. Jia Chee cooked her lo ba ko!! SO GOOOD! Xin did roast vegetables ~ Stan did kai lan ~ umm... Alex brought corn. Except for Jia Chee, everyone did veggie related dishes! LOL. Ah well. It was good.

We didn't eat the churros in the end, but yeah.... vegan brownies turned out good surprisingly. Even without milk or eggs! Noodles was okay. It was a pleasant dinner. Forgot what I did at night, ehehehe.

The Zoo Trip

2009-07-01T06:51:00.000+10:00

The awaited Zoo Trip! Hehe. I got up around 8 AM and did the usual. I heated up the noodles in the morning to let them cool before taking a shower. Then me and Xin went off with all the food + two cakes. The noodles was rather heavy, thank goodness for Yi Xin. But she took it all on herself and carried everything when it was hurting her shoulder... she's like the perfect guy, seriously. Except that she isn't a guy. Meh, people need to carry things for her more often. T.T

Umm... yeah, we basically just bus-ed over and trained over while chatting about stuff. Xin looked really tired... I must take care of her better! She forgot her wallet at home, more like she couldn't find it (found it when we got home at night though). So I just leant her monies for the day. When we got to Flinders, everyone was there already. What happened there... uhh... we met the mystery friend of Leon. Heh, Josh is a friendly guy. I think Leon said earlier he was a shy guy but I don't see him being shy considering he was actively talking to all of us. LOL, the shy label comes with a lot of presumptions and it just reminded me that a person should never apply labels or presumptions on someone they have never met. It reminds me of my education classes where my tutors tells us that a big problem in schools is when you enter a new school, your fellow colleague can be like "Oh! You have THAT class. Ohohoho~ you're gonna have trouble now. Or that you have THAT BOY in your class, he's impossible to deal with" and stuff. These things are labels and they are a problem just cause a person will make up assumptions before meeting the class or person, and from the very beginning part of your judgement has already been formed. It can be undone but... a bit harder I suppose?

We just stood around. I was cold so Sammi + Linda and Kimmy were cuddling up and group hugging for warmth. Then we started jumping. And spinning. Yeah, we are totally sane. Like totally. We were waiting for neko-manda (Amanda T.) as she was running late. Me and Mel went to look for a fricken' Westpac ATM cause I needed more cash. We went around a WHOOLLLEE block cause we couldn't find one in Flinders. LOL WTF there was like ANZ AND COMMONWEALTH EVERYWHERE! I got the fail bank when I came here, didn't I? We finally found one and got back to Flinders to find out that Sam went to Minotaur but jay-walked and got booked (aka, caught and fined)! LOL, me and Mel were doing the same thing. Lucky we didn't get caught. Me and Xin went to buy a bit of brekky at Tower Sushi. Then neko-manda came so off we went onto another train to Royal Park station (next to the Zoo!).

Tickets were $18 for concession pretty much. Xin had no student card so boo... it had to be $24. I won't list out all the animals we saw cause there were too many. Just the funny stuff I can remember. Went in Loons wanted to see the water recycling plant. Yeah, I totally came to toe Zoo for that! We decided to walk in a group, although we had faster walkers and slower walkers (in the end we waited for each other though). Everyone snapped lots of photos. So many animals! I know Mel wanted to see monkeys, Leon wanted to see elephants and meerkats and uhh... who else. I am not sure. Haha.

Lunch was near to 1 PM. Everyone basically brought snacks almsot (cept for Andrew Kim who made some... rice... egg... sweet thingy and Loons brought... eggs. LOL) Sam brought cookies in his jar. That was cute. I dunno who brought what else. My noodles were a success. Okay, with the combination of everyone's efforts. Not my noodles. Considering how I like BAILED. But yeah, food was good. The cake efforts were hilarious. So, me, Mel and Xin attempt to like light up the cakes on the other side of the area we were eating at. But that side had the wind BLOWING RIGHT ONTO US. It was impossible basically. And my bag carrying like ruined the 100's and 1000's decorations I threw onto the cake. Tried to fix that up. In the end we were like FUCK THIS and attempted to light the cakes in front of the people involved. TOTALLY SUBTLE, weren't we? It was near impossible too, people had to get it lighted then blow it out straight away or it wasn't gonna work! The two cakes I made were eaten (HUGE SLICES) and no one wanted the store bought mudcake. The bdays was for Yih, James L. and Will! So three cakes. Ah well, it was all still good. Food was good, haha. We decided to pack up and leave as we didn't have that much time left to cover the rest of the zoo.

What else. The jacket thing! I wasn't cold for some reason at the zoo. Temp wise it wasn't THAT bad. It didn't rain too much at least (while we were eating only). So yeah, I was fine walking around in my red dress thing and a long sleeve jumper on the inside. I had like an extra jumper plus my monkey hoodie though. So the funny thing is that Leon wears a lot of layers but gives his jackets to other people. As Josh and neko-manda was like wearing his jackets he was actually cold so I gave him my hoodie. I just find it funny that you have all these coats and you end up wearing someone else's cause you gave em' away. Haha. Would be funny if I like took someone else's jumper but I wasn't cold luckily. :3 :3

So off we went after lunch. Random things I remember. Umm... two baby orangutans reminded me of Kimmy and Alan. Way cute. I was dying in the butterfly house because it was too hot in there. So I had to run for it. Elephants are cool. I am sad there were no sloths at the zoo? Leon said he would point them out to me once cause I didn't know what a sloth was. BOO. We stopped momentarily at this... japanese garden or something. LOL. Our group split ways momomentarily when some of us went to look at meerkats + found a wishing well. I threw in two coins and made two wishes. May they come true! One of them did but the other one probably never will. A girl can wish, right? Long as I don't hang onto dreams and the impossible I'll be fine...

After this, we sat around in a cafe place. I took a group photo! And I had to go back for dinner as Cas and Jia Chee were cooking tonight! Home made wanton!! So me, Xin and Yih left but uhh... got called back cause I left my hoodie with Leon and forgot all about it, lol. We didn't get too far and everyone joined to leave with us. We went to the animal shop momentarily to play with the dolls. The plush toys were cute but... expensive. @.@ Anyway, I bought churros to bring home at Flinders Street station. I think I said BYEEE to the group like... several times before I actually left! I missed the train, lol. Couldn't help it!!!

Dinnner was good. We were gonna have movie night tongiht! Cas and Mas went to look for the cable to connect a laptop to a TV but couldn't find one. I should of did it but I failed. Due to my busyness and laziness. Cas and Jia Chee made wonton noodle soup which was really good. Home made wontons that they spent all afternoon doing!! It was mushroom and spinach, so Thomas could eat it (as Cas is vegetarian and Thomas is vegan). Thomas made um... cranberry crumble for dessert! It was way good. We ate it with soymilk ice cream. Which was really good too (for ice cream without dairy). And then off to movie night! We had to watch off a laptop unfortunately. Cas sweeped and cleaned up the floor upstairs so I brought my matress out and shoved it onto the floor. So three of us sat on my matress while Xin and JC sat on the couch. I was cold so I had like a pillow and my blanket around me during the duration of movie watching. We had a bunch of snacks and stuff and coke!! Haha, a load of fun. Sea weed snack is <3.

Movies we watched was Forrest Gump, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (I slept through this movie), Lord of the Flies, Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down (SHOOOT US FOR WATCHING THIS CRAP). Commentary on the movies is tomorrow's entry I think, haha.

MasterChef... fail...

2009-06-30T13:04:00.002+10:00

Okay, today was more like a fail day of MasterChef. It was technically the first day of my glorious holiday and I should like sleep in. But I didn't. Cause I had to be in Clayton by like 10 AM to meet up with Mel, Amanda T. and peoples. So up I went and I got to Clayton around 9:40 AM. I wandered around a bit trying to kill time but turns out Leon was there early too. Then by 10 AM we realised Mel was there early too. And we waited at the train station for Amanda T. Who wasn't coming yet as she slept in, lol. Nor was Vu coming yet either. So there goes that idea. The three of us went off shopping for vegetables and whatever stuff we needed to cook with.

Wasn't exactly what I envisioned as I realised that no one else like looked up recipes to measure out what ingredients they needed to buy. And I only covered myself. So I was like... GAH @.@ Oh well. Shopping was... shopping. A lot of walking everywhere with the three of us. We were like looking for Nata de Coco in the Asian Grocers. And Lychee flavoured konnyaku. Buying veggies in the veggie mart. And went to two coles for cake related goods. We were gonna make noodles, muffins, cupcakes and two actual cakes for tomorrow. By the end of the day the cupcakes went out the window though. Spent a load of money on stuff (which I never got all the money back for...and I spent over $40... *dies inside* .... Yi Xin gave me more money to cover stuff so that I didn't feel like I just lost $30 when I shouldn't be spending money at all...). I don't plan to pay in advance for anything ever again though to be honest. >.>;; Or so I say. I always seem to end up planning things. I need to stop that. The organiser always loses the most money, lol. And I don't have enough money to keep being the one losing stuff....

So we went back to my home. Uhh... and 4 of us (Yi Xin was at home) went away to cook. Amanda T. and Yih came by a bit later on to help out. And so did Tom surprisingly who was at uni. And then Vu and Rachel came!! RACHEL!!! Kyaaa~ lol. Cooking was a meh... process. I was supposed to do noodles but I sort of abandoned the job halfway cause I couldn't take everyone telling me "No, Celine... you're supposed to do this and this first." It isn't really a big deal but I'd like to see whether you would get annoyed if you were trying to cook (voluntarily) for someone else's sake and have more then two people get at you to do things their way. When I've been living alone since I was 16 and have been doing whatever crap my own way as I see fit because that's how I roll. I know I don't do things the 'proper' way. But, no one has EVER taught me cook. I learned to cook out of necessity. Or I can't feed myself. So of course you don't learn things properly by self teaching yourself and trial and error. But who cares, I always get the results anyway. I was also annoyed at myself for getting annoyed though. Not exactly the friendly good hearted person, am I? I need to learn to control my temper. I mean, it's my mates also. Gah, what's wrong with me... @.@ I always get upset for the smallest things. It's why I fail so much...

Afternoon wasn't too eventful. We spent the entire day cooking. Didn't have much lunch. I wanted to cook everyone lunch too but too many people and no food, lol. On the update of foods. I screwed up somewhere cause Leon's muffins failed and I must have given a really crap recipe (I tried out that same recipe a few days later though - the muffins actually raised to some extent) so yeah, I guess adding banana to some recipe wasn't a good idea as it killed any chance of the muffins raising. @.@ Poor Leon getting crap from everyone cause of that. I felt bad, lol. Noodles was pretty good. Yi Xin did most of the work though. Cupcakes didn't happen. And I baked two cakes. Which I finished by the evening. They turned out decent. I attempted to decorate it. Mel and Vu gave the idea of like... using 100's and 1000's to spell out a letter on the cake! It was pretty cute.

Oh yeah, everyone went to my room during one time. Apparently it is small. LOL. I dunno *shrugs* I was in a smaller room last year afterall! I cleaned my room up in the morning so it looked decent. Rachel, Amanda T., Tom and Yih said my bear wasn't cute. Vu and Leon said my BEAR IS CUTE! So it's all good. :D :D :D Poor Gabby (my teddy). He IS the cutest bear in the world!!! Dinner, umm... I went with Mel, Vu and Leon to Clayton to just eat something at the local Chinese place. We left after cake 2 was done. Near to 7 PM. Mel left her phone at my house so she went back after dinner to get it. And that was the day pretty much.

EDF3006 Final Exam

2009-06-29T01:14:00.000+10:00

Last day of exams! Last day of exams!! Uhh... I woke up all... LOL MEH WHO CARES NOW. I dunno what to do. I tried my best at last minute study but like.... by 9 AM I was messing on Facebook going LOL at everything. I found it hilarious that me, Amanda and Joanne were texting each other on when to go to Caulfield for lunch together when WE LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE! Anyway, went to uni. Uhh... the three of us was sharing knowledge. Joanne said once on suiciding by hanging and I told her that apparently because guys are more aggressive they are more likely to suicide by hanging or firearms, which are fatal. Thus why it appears that guys may have more suicides (succcessful ones). While girls have a lot of suicide attempts that fail since they try to overdose or cut themselves which might not actually work.

Lunch was at some random chinese place. Uhh... we had to share the table with randoms. Then we went to Gloria Jean's where I just sat there and like... attempted to study in the last hour. Went to the Racecourse, ran into Lee, Linda and Steph. Lee is mean... he finished exams already and was like delivering his sister apparently.

Lee: Oh, hey Celine what course do you do again?
Celine: I'm in 3rd year Education...
Lee: Oh! Do you know my sister? She does the same thing...
Celine: Probably... but I'm antisocial I dunno anyone in my class.
Lee: OH RIGHT! Cause you're only always with the anime club all the times LOLS.
Celine: *starts kicking him*

Me and Joanne waited until exam started. And yay... when it did and it was reading time. I instintively flicked through my entire paper. Cause I need an HD on it. Then I realised.... YEP I'M SCREWED LOLS. Cause I can do some questions, but not a lot. And well... I have to like not get them wrong. That's a bit hard for me. ^^;;

I worked to the last 5 minutes. By the time I left the exam hall people were gone. Well, I didn't see anyone anyway. So I just hobbled away. Uhh... Amanda phoned me like 10 times continously. Apparently the phone would JUST NOT CONNECT. Until I started to reject her calls cause she just kept phoning and phoning and there was never anyone on the other end when I picked up. She was at Coles but then finished shopping for dinner. So we both went onto the bus. On the bus, got a call from Sammi. LOL, I told her I wasn't going to dinner (was on the bus already and Amanda had bought some for me to cook already). It was our last night to eat with Joanne anyway.

At home~ yay, it was nice to finally be done. I forgot what I did... sleep maybe? Dinner was steak (well I had a chicken breast cause you know I don't eat much lamb / beef), potato and bacon soup and nachos! It was epic ~ haha. We had a nice nice dinner. Jia Chee still had exams though. I think I attempted to have an early night cause I need to wake up like... early tomorrow anyway. =.=;;

The last day to study...

2009-06-28T14:59:00.004+10:00

Last day to study. And with tomorrow, my last day of semester one. I think it was Leon or someone (can't remember) who sarcastically said what a great first semester this was. I didn't realise the sarcasm and immediately said "No... it wasn't." Just cause I didn't think so, lol. Anyway, I woke up and slept very little as usual. I had a quick lunch and the day was spent studying. I actually studied as much as i could. Rather desperately. As I realised I couldn't do things. It was a bit dumb of me, I can hardly remember now that I'm typing this entry like a week later but I recall struggling on this day cause I was upset over other things too.

For dinner, Joanne and Mei Xian went to Glenny to get Dan Dan noodles and dumplings. These are those SUPER SPICY noodles that LITERALLY BURN your insides. But it was sooooo good! At night... uhh... it was panic time? I sat there crying for a long while...why? Cause, I realised I know nothing. That I wasted my time. That I could have passed this easily if I wasn't all emotional all semester and screwed up on my essay. That I was utterly hopeless and overdependant on a lot of things. That I was regretful. That I wondered how did the semester lead to this point.

Why did time past by so fast? And what was I doing during that time?

But then, every tunnel has a light at the end. Friends are so awesome. Yes. It was awesome to have Rachel, Akmal, Tom, Magdalene, Leon and everyone else sending me messages and wishing me good luck. To tell me that I can do it. To not give up. I think what made me smile was Lawrence's last message. Something along the lines of "Ganbatte, you have a lot of people supporting you. =D" Heh, I fell asleep in good spirits for my exam. I was so glad. Thank you to my dearest friends. Can always count on everyone to cheer me up, eh? I still didn't know anything but you know - with confidence you sort of get to a better position anyway.

Procrastination...

2009-06-27T00:59:00.000+10:00

Uhhh... I forgot what happened here. I was supposed to study but the fail just kept on going. I think I went to Clayton for like 1 hour to basically buy... coke, chocolate and lunch. LOL. I bought like maccas for me and Xin. And yeah I did little else for the rest of the day. I was gonna buy pizza for dinner but Jia Chee did chicken I think it was. XD Like pre-marinated ones, lol. Nice dinner considering our lack of time for anything now.

The night was rather wasted if you ask me. But I slowly began to realise that I SERIOUSLY am gonna be in trouble for my exam! Oh joy~

Study Take Ten

2009-06-26T12:39:00.000+10:00

The last day I spent in Hardgay library. I spent a good part of the day alone. Attempting to study. At around 1 PM I went to Airport Lounge to pay for Manifest. I also bought lunch @ the new Fish and Chips place that opened up on campus. It was like $6.50 for fish + chips. It was pretty good but I probably won't eat there since I hold the policy that lunch is $5 or lower. Which means that I usually just bring food from home or eat a muffin, lol. Not the best diet in the world but meh, 'sif I'm gonna pay $7 everyday for lunch. Not happening. NO ONE WAS IN THE AIRPORT LOUNGE. It was so loud, crowded and full of... Asians. International students. I was like... WHUUT... THA... FUCCCK. LOL. Then I saw Cao + Kimmy at the table next to Radio Monash just studying. Apparently no one came in today cause Brad, Andrew Kim, Rachel + Lawrence has finished. Jeremy was doing his exam (lols @ his exam clash). And others just didn't come in anymore?

I sat around eating my fish and chips for a bit. Emma and Jason came by looking for Sam. It was so noisy I decided to text Sam since Kimmy said he was in C&S. So I asked him if I could eat there. It's so much more quiet and peaceful there. Sam was working on Manifest paperwork, Jimmy was just talking to Haydn until Raine came back from her exam with lunch for the both of them. It was very cute to watch them, haha. The fish and chips were pretty good. Yum. Me and Rainy read the newspaper together, and was just chatting about things. Raine had a load of chocolate in her bag and she like... took out the wonderful Cadbury Breakaway and we both ate it together. I had to LOL at her lack of attempt to give it to anyone else.

A lot of people came by to C&S during this 2 hours. Will, Emma, some random girl from MCAC that no one knows, Vu and stuffs. I had to LOL @ Sam doing Manifest again. He did it last year too. I was wondering why he didn't make Kai Lun do it or something, lol. Yeah, I paid for my thingy too. It was funny JUST cause I gave in my form and then sat there eating. And Sam was like "Okay! Time to count the money I should have [whatever amount]" I was like... LOL I didn't actually give him any monies. Hahahaha. And he didn't notice himself. Reminded me of camp how I like... didn't pay until the last day of camp (I only paid cause the guys were like... Celine... ARE YOU GONNA PAY??) I can't help it cause I decided to just use EFTPOS all the time this year I never seem to carry any money whatsoever cept for like 5 bucks or something.

Sam threw me out of C&S (not really) with Will so we went back to Airport Lounge. Uhh... it was quiet now, Sam, Kimmy, Will, Vu and Alex Loh were there. I decided to just head back to the library. I sat around for a bit, fell asleep and then... GAHH TOM AND SAM CAME! LOL. Apparently everyone was gone... and Tom finished his exam. And Sam was waiting for his beloved Jeremy to get out of his exam. So I was their victim. LOL. They just sat around blankly talking with me and stuffs until they see Leon send a message on MSN. After that, Tom immediately takes my laptop and begins messaging like... everyone. Okay not everyone but uhh... I think Alan, Leon, Khanat, Drue and even Magdalene!! (who he doesn't know and is my high school mate from another country... =.=''''). LOL. Hmm... after that. Uhh... apparently Jeremy gets out of exam but is too tired to go to the city with Sam as originally planned. So they both go home. I stuck aronud for a while and returned to airport lounge.

Let's see... there were people there! Steve, Jeremy, Andrew Kim, Cao and Jimmy eventually. We were looking at funny pictures from Andrew Kim's laptop - on his poker forum. Some pretty funny shit there. Random scenarioes including...

"Picture of SPEED LIMIT - MEN: 45, WOMEN: 135"
James: LOLOLOLOL!!!! *points at me* It's cause of PEOPLE LIKE YOU!!!!
Me: D: D: D: I CAN DRIVE PERFECTLY WELL!!!!

"Picture of Yahoo! Answers thingy. Question was some person writing something like... "Can I get AIDS from being in a swimming pool full of Black people" We were like OMFG ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!!! XD"

I went home. Umm... dinner was by Joanne and Mei Xian again! Spaghetti with chicken soup! Hehe. It was nice. Evening attempted to study. Didn't do such a great job at it. I can't remember what I even did throughout the night (besides MSN and Facebook notes) but I did only go to sleep like 5:30 AM the next day. =.='''

Study Take Nine

2009-06-25T00:29:00.002+10:00

OMFG THE NINTH DAY! GAHHHHH!!! I BETTER PASS THIS FRICKEN UNIT. I mean, I normally never study for anything (I'm an Arts student, why do I have to?) It would be SOOOO easy if I actually passed my essay earlier in the year. I could get a pass so easily in the exam. But nooo, I had to be retarded. I had to be all sad. And I had to nearly fail passing in like every single essay I actually did (or they were just crap - I read my essays that were all fail - they REALLY ARE crap - OMFG I must have been asleep writing them). I swear, I will rage if I have to repeat this unit. It's a core unit and if I fail it I will screw over my course structure. I will rage so badly. Beyond badly. Beyond beyond badly. And even worse was telling Mom that and having her tell it was okay, she knew I would have trouble doing work for a long time just cause she knows me like a key and how I deal with things.

Bah. I guess me doing honours is out of the question since I needed a D average for this semester. GODDAMIT *rages*. Whatever, I wasn't gonna do honours most likely anyway. I just need to work, lol. Study is good fun but I think I need to earn monies like a normal person soon. Getting too old now. Bah.

Today was just another attempt to study that worked to some extent and failed in every other. Got to uni around 10 AM, and spent the day with Leon as I attempted to study and he did absolutely nothing with his time (cept Facebook, lol). I did quite well in writing up two facebook notes, playing Typing Maniac and the usual stuffs. *nods* Hmm. Oh yeah, I left the library for a bit to see Raine before her exam! She wanted to give me mooncake! I was like... KYAAA~ mooncake at this time of the year? I expected things to be sold in July / August. Apparently James surprisingly likes mooncake. O.o Now, Hardgay is sort of far so I was a bit lazy to come down at first to catch Raine before her bus and the convo was like...

Raine: "Do you want me to pass it to James?"
Me: "Uhh... is he gonna eat it if you do that?"
Raine: [to James] "Celine says are you gonna eat it?"
Raine: "He says probably."
Me: "No, don't give it to him."

In the end I just went down to see her. Umm... we were sitting in Menzies Coffee place for a bit and just chatted about random things. Before I went back to the library.

Lunch at Airport Lounge. Uhh... I recall getting highlighter in the face thanks to Tom. Jimmy was like highlighting Leon. =.= I dunno what I do to become a victim. I passed Rachel some anime, uhh... yeah and did nothing else really. There was quite a lot of people at uni. Everyone is so carefree. Haha. Lesley came again! She took my blood pressure. It was like 120 or something (normal apparently, 125+ is in the high regions). Phe and Chris both have high blood pressure. O.o Surprise surprise. It was funny to watch her take Jimmy's XD

Back in library, still did nothing. LOL. We did Facebook notes! *nods* Uhh... left around 6 PM or something like that to head back to Airport Lounge. I hung about a bit then made my way home. It was funny to see everyone sit around all carefree. Jeremy, Kimmy, Brad, and em' all. Dinner... I forgot what was dinner. I think it was Jia Chee and Yi Xin doing dinner. LOL. I feel like crap not making dinner for anyone but I lack food and I spent like the entire day in uni. So meh. I remember Jia Chee made dessert again which was that ginger water thing with sugar and umm... Sesame Dumplings (however you spell or say it in Chinese). That Thomas likes. Hehe. Can't remember what happened in the evening. I doubt I did very much.

Study Take Eight

2009-06-24T06:40:00.001+10:00

Yeah, this must be pretty tiring by now. So I spent the entire day in the library by myself. I didn't even bother going to the Airport Lounge for lunch. It wasn't exactly productive. I kept sleeping, and was really bored in general. Nothing of interest actually happened I don't think. I just left like at 6 PM and went to say hi to people. As always they just sat there playing Mah Jong. The usual peeps. I wonder what they will all be doing next week when everyone is done? LOL. Uhh... Loon, Brad, Jeremy, K-mam and Lawrence was like... singing BACKSTREET BOYS. Okay, not Lawrence, but with Law it would have been a 5 group boy band. I think he refused to sing though. Hahaha. I think Loon and Brad were the funniest cause you normally don't have them singing. Linda and Kimmy were also there!

I went home after a while. I wonder if I should stop walking home at night like this. I'm glad that when I walk home in the dark no one is ever around so nothing has happened so far, lol. Dinner uhh... Joanne and Mei Xian cooked! Minced meat, snack beans, rice, potatoes and pork. I think Yi Xin and Jono tried to cook that pork dish once but it was the dish where Xin's salt shaker just broke on top of the dish or something so it was toooo salty when we ate it cause they died out all the salt but it doesn't work that way, lol. After that... in my room. I did very little. As always. I tried to listen to lectures with no avail. Meh. I tried to also stay up the night but it didn't work. I recall Lawrence laughing at my futile attempts on MSN. XD I think I probably got around 3 and a half hours of sleep. Collectively.

Study Take Seven

2009-06-23T16:51:00.002+10:00

A general day of study where not much else happened. LOL. I left in the morning around 10 AM and said bye to Sha. See her in 3 weeks! Hehe. And I spent the entire day at uni basically. Was with Sammi who came into study. I distracted her quite a bit since I have such terrible study ethics, and during lunch we decided to go to the airport lounge since no one else was around. My intention was to find the dantai (which had practice) but they were at the stage. What a surprise! So many people. A combination of the usual exam bums, the dantai and Zac + Lesley! I was like wahhhhh, I haven't seen Zac for so long! Cause he disappeared with his influx of assignments. He was bugging me about swimming, lol. I practiced a bit, ate lunch... and yeah just talked to people and stuff. Zac is coming to Jono's Laserwars thing too! So yay~ nice nice nice. XD Target locked on now, hahaha. It was sort of nice to see old faces. Felt a bit odd. Like, I sort of got used to hanging with Kimmy, Rachel, Alan and em' everyday before. But still miss hanging with Lesley, Zac and a few others (don't see them as much but normally going out I'm still normally out with Jimmy, Tom, Sam, K-man and stuffs though so that didn't change as much).

Me and Sammi went back to library at 2 PM since not allowed to stay there for long. Boo boo. Leon was there but he sort of sat a few tables away like the loner he is, lol. Mel and James L. were apparently at Law Library now. Uhh... I tried to study and I got quite a bit done but whenever I messed about online I noticed Sammi would start drawing stars on her paper and I felt so bad I forced myself to study more! I can't help it if I'm lazy, lol.

Sammi left around 5 PM I think. Uhh... Mel and James L. came back from the library and sat with Leon. So I was sort of reading away until near to 7:30 PM where I decided that I was too hungry and I needed dinner. So I went home, lol. Yi Xin and Jia Chee already ate, so I just had leftovers from the other night and some soup and ate chatting to Cas. Oh, JC did come down to chat with me. The night was spent on Typing Maniac! I was on a high. A really bad high. A really really bad high. Cause I got over 800'000 on the game. Then Martin kicked my ass as he got like... 1'600'000+ and I'm like OMGWTF how am I supposed to beat that?? That's insane! He was like 28th in the world. I played so much my mind was racing a bit cause there were so many words. And I spent a good time on MSN rambling crap and talking in ALL CAPS to a bunch of people (well victims included Magdalene, Rachel, Lawrence, Leon, Lesley and a few others).

I would have studied but then Yih did some 145 questions thing on FB which I had to do! Then I had to read everyone elses! Haha. I left my room at like 1 AM and saw Joanne. WAHHHH! I went. I didn't know they were back. LOL. We talked so loudly (my bad, I forgot that people actually SLEEEEP) JC + Cas woke up and came out of their rooms. And we ate chocolate covered coffee beans (it's nice). I went to sleep in the end when I remembered that I have to go to uni. It was sort of nice being on a high though. I was actually pretty happy. Which was nice. Being carefree and happy is nice. Maybe a bit too much energy. I was all grinning the entire time. But whatever. To be able to smile is the greatest gift right now I thinks...

If only time could be forever frozen...

2009-06-22T18:31:00.004+10:00

Last dinner with the four girls: Me, Yi Xin, Sha and Jia Chee. 1 and a half years (for me) and 2 and a half years for Sha + Yi Xin. To have lived with Jia Chee. It went by so fast. Yet it went by so slowly also. We all sort of went through the most ridiculous things together, we have the most funniest stories ever - through all the tears, anger, laughter and love - we've been together these past few years. Together. If destiny existed. If fate existed. It would be the biggest blessing in my life to have randomly met Yi Xin, and to have gained these housemates who saved me from everything I hated about this world. Okay, maybe not so dramatically but I was even more distrustful of people then I am now back in 2007. Because life gave me little reason to trust anyone outside my family. Everything could also be a result of me growing older and deciding that not everyone is out to get me, or hate me. Jia Chee isn't leaving yet, but Sha is flying off tomorrow. And by the time she returned, Jia Chee, Joanne and Mei Xian would have all gone back to Malaysia. So it was our final dinner together.

Onto the day first. I got up at odd times. Like at 4 AM, fell asleep again then woke up again. I went to uni by 9:30 AM, Lawrence was sitting there alone. Mel came but she went off to join her study group of management students, which I found out to be Kevin, Leo, Sam H. and other people I do not know. Weird seeing them cause I haven't seen them for a while. The people who come into uni during exam times are the same ones (besides my study group - just Kimmy, Steve, Khanat, Brad, Jeremy, Alan, James, Drue, Whitney, Tom, Sam, Andrew Kim and etc). The morning was spent with me and Lawrence chatting to Rachel on MSN, studying and sleeping. And munching on things. It was Yih's birthday today, so we sat around waiting for her and Leon to come back from their exam. Leon and James L. showed up past 2 PM without Yih. Uhh... Lawrence went off by then. Yih finally came and then Leon left. Me and Mel sat around as we watched Yih and James L. Typing Maniac! It was rather funny. They stopped eventually when everyone realised they had to actually study, lol.

At 4 PM I was so sleepy I decided to head back home. But I past by airport lounge first. Big mistake. Couldn't get away. Everyone ate my muffins which they thought was good. So that was nice, hehe. I wasn't gonna go to maccas with them but I did that in the end too. LOL. So yeah... maccas... uhh... the main topic of interest was the fact that I was the only FOB (ignoring K-man) and they were going on about what FOB things I could do during my times in Melbourne. Like go to Ballarat to pan for gold (=.=''') and to Central Australia and etc. In the end they were like "Okay! We're taking Celine to Ballarat! Who can drive???" .... I didn't seem to have a say in what happens to me during the winter break.... O.O

After maccas, I went home. Uhh.. sat around a bit then went downstairs. Yi Xin, Jia Chee and JONO was cooking! OMG... Jono was frying bacon. I was like... run for it... he is actually cooking! Dinner was pork chops with bacon sauce on top, potato gems, boiled broccoli & cauliflower and scallopes + fish (for me mostly) in butter sauce. It was really good. Hehe. Sha brought home dessert, uhh... creme bulee (or however you spell it) and cappuchino sort of mousse thing. And I had Coles mudcake... which had to be eaten for traditions sake! We took photos and stuff, and just had a good laugh about the usual things we seem to always be talking about (Keyword: *coughs*colorofnipples*). Xin had to go study, and so did me and JC but the two of us decided to sit in Sha's room while she packed. Cas joined us and yeah, we all sat around talking stuff. People we like, people we don't like... and just whatever. I like these sort of talks. Used to have them a lot with Yi Xin, Stanny and a few others...

After hours, it was like 12 AM, it was just me left in Sha's room. I was semi moping and semi just telling her what's been on my mind lately. I think I made her worry more. Gomen. Haha. Should really let her know I am totally fine and capable and taking care of myself. I seem to have my hand full helping others anyway. Now I know what Xin felt last year. O.o One thing you notice after a while is that your friends seem to have way more problems then you, and that I live a blissful life (which is true). So yeah... I went to sleep. I'll see Sha in 3 weeks after my trip from Tassy (as she'll be returning on the 17th of July). She gets to stop by Malaysia for 4 hours to see JC at the airport! Ooh, I hope Sha can get to KL one day just for holiday, and the 6 of us can run around KL together. I can easily get there if I'm Brunei since AirAsia doesn't cost muchies anyway.

If time could just stop, it would be nice. Cause... I really liked how things were. But change seems to occur every semester. And this is one change I don't really like. But meh... gotta deal with it, eh? End of the year will be interesting. If I lose Xin and/or Sha... hahaha... I don't want to watch. Let's not think about that yet. ^^;; I need to enjoy my next semester. I am not gonna waste it like I did this semester.

The other night. The 6 of us said we'll reunite again at the first persons' wedding! Assumption would be Sha's! Hehe. Will it happen in the next 5 years I wonder? :3

Just to see you smile...

2009-06-21T23:22:00.005+10:00

Yay, a day of studying! The library opens at 10 AM, so I attempted to get there at 10 AM. But failed. I woke up at 4 AM, worked until past 5 AM... and fell asleep until 9:30... which was pretty fail on my part. Shouldn't be sleeping. But I was too tired. Got to library past 10:30 and pretty must sat there until 5 PM. I spent the time studying (got through more then I did the last week, perhaps I realise that I need to study now if I have any chance of passing this psychology unit), playing Typing Maniac on Facebook (epic game, play it ~) where I tried my best to BEAT CAO who beated me last night! I went on a rampage. A FRICKEN RAMPAGE.I finally managed too. Using my netbook, where the keys are small and the screen itself is too small for the flash game. I had a score of around 372'000+ ~ ehehehe I'm now at 480'000+~ I hope no one else beats me, lol. Trying to get over 500'000 though!

Besides that, I just ate a lot of food (my lunch + rice crackers + kit kat) and uhh... just sat around on MSN. I was a bit... meh, in the morning. But *shrugs* who cares. I was generally fine. 5 PM I went home... Stan was at my house studying with Yi Xin. A bit of a surprise there. Hee stayed for dinner, which was cooked by me, supposedly (in the end - I didn't really). Uhh.. I bought udon noodles. And I wanted to cook em'. I expected them to grow fat with hot water. THEY DIDN'T. I've been jibbed! The packet says udon noodles, with a picture of udon noodles. And they are more expensive then normal noodles. TRICKED! I SAY TRICKED! And plus we cooked too much. 'Udon' noodles with diced pork, minced pork, green beans and mushrooms.

I made muffins. Or I tried to. But they didn't grown and expand like muffins. They just... grew upwards... like chocolate... cylinders. LOL. They taste fine though. But I wonder how do you make muffins, lol. Will bring to uni and hopefully someone will eat. I have too many of em' anyway. The night was spent on MSN and TYPING MANIAC! So much for studying. From tomorrow, I have one week left to my exam. I need to shape up and be serious now if I want to pass.

Time had to move...

2009-06-20T21:47:00.004+10:00

It was a very mellow day, I'd have to say. I got up at around 8 AM. After sleeping near to 4 AM. Oh maybe it was closer to 9 AM. *shrugs* I wanted to study but it didn't go well. And I didn't actually do anything in the morning at all but mope. It was one of those moments. So I cried a bit... ah well, who cares... right? What was on my mind? Hmm. Change, I guess. It is starting to hit me that I have to say bye to people. Again. I have to say bye. And they are gonna leave. So it scares me, that's all. I don't want to say bye anymore. I mean, at least there is still the internet. They are leaving but they are not throwing me away. So, that's okay. I am not being left behind. Why the tears? I think this thought was running through my mind: "I wonder if everyone values me as much as I value them?" I dunno, I think my dependency is one of the worst points I have. I was thinking how if I could say it, I would like to say "Don't leave me..." but I can't. Just like how I could not say that either a few months back. I guess it's pretty dumb of me of being afraid of being thrown away again (well, it happened when I was younger too, so meh...).

Okay, that's enough seriousness in one day. Be prepared for me. Heh, I will get more depressed as Jia Chee, Mei Xian and Joanne leave. Cause I cannot accept the fact that I made Jia Chee's last semester here even worse then it could have been, and was not a good friend to Mei Xian or Joanne. Considering the first time I met Joanne, I was crying. And I did stupid stuff like scull straight vodka, lol. Bleh. Bleh. Bleh. And I continued to just cry on a daily basis for the rest of the semester. Oh, wonderful joy. This is known as regret cause I did not pay attention to the present enough.

Lunch was eaten rather... in silence. I went to Clayton after to do groceries by myself. Xin and Jia Chee are doing it tomorrow but I wanted to study in the library tomorrow for the whole day. I missed the damn bus and had to wait 20 minutes in the wind for another one. Meh. Clayton was nice and pleasant. I overdid on the snacks and bought so much chocolate it isn't funny... bought more snacks then actual food. When I came back... I just sat around in my room doing nothing until dinner. And well... dinner was a bit odd. Serious. And a bit sad. Jia Chee made chicken rice, and umm... some Chinese dessert that I can't spell. But it's like sweet ginger water with sesame dumplings in em', which taste like mochi. I love the sesame dumpling so much I wanna buy more just to eat em'. They are much cheaper then buying mochi. Heh. Then we spent like 2 hours in Yi Xin's room chatting about various things. We were going on about our house last year at Panorama Street. That house was hilarious. If I wrote down all the stories about the house, it would be rather ridiculous. *sighs* Heh. So much has happened in the time we've been together. Can't believe I have to say bye to Jia Chee...

Study Take Five

2009-06-18T23:28:00.000+10:00

Another day of study! I got to uni at 8:30 AM. Uhh.. it was just Yih there, asleep on the table. The day was spent with me on Facebook and MSN, James and Mel joined after a long while. And that was about it. We had lunch when Leon came at like 3:30 PM, lol. Shin Ramyun of course ~ then I hobbled off home at around... uhh... 5 PM + to cook dinner. It was Shepherd's Pie and chocolate filled cream puffs. It was the last dinner at home with my six housemates, so I wanted to make it a nice dinner. The shepherd's pie was okay... a bit bland. But Joanne seemed to really like it (although she likes shepherd's pie in general, lol). The cream puffs didn't taste so great... too eggy and the cream went flat. Yi Xin liked the puffs though (as she is a fan of egg I think). I did like how the puffs like... went puffy when the ingredients were so simple. Interesting. There was also veggies that Joanne cooked as I didn't have enough time. I think I did pretty well to cook all that considering I came home late and finished by 7:30 PM. Nice. Heh.

And there goes our last dinner. Feels really weird. Really weird. Tomorrow will be our last dinner together, outside. We're heading to Lygon street for something nice. Then that famous gelati place, Dolce el Freddo or something like that. Ehehehe.

Cinnamon Buns...

2009-06-17T11:55:00.001+10:00

Today was supposed to be a day of cinnamon buns and cleaning! But I only got the buns part done and no cleaning, lol. Studying was also equally non-existent. I think I need to stick to library studying. Home is impossible for me now. So what... did I do. I think absolutely nothing as usual? I attempted to clean my room but it failed. During lunch, me and Yi Xin cleaned up plates and stuff. Then I went back to hide in my room supposedly to clean it! But I ended up napping. I told Rachel that I 'started' cleaning 4 hours ago, she expected me to like... be done. And I didn't even start. So much fail there...

4 PM I went to bake cinnamon buns. It was pretty easy, just that I hate kneading dough and I hate having to roll it out, then roll it up again into a roll. Then cutting the damn roll when the dough is soft and sticky. GAH! But! The cinnamon buns turned out great! It was sooo awesome straight out of the oven. Like sooo awesome! Me and Joanne were nom nom nom. Sadly, the buns were pretty crap cold + the next days and stuff. Dinner was cooked by Joanne. Chinese style chicken soup and a pork dish. Hehe. Good stuffs. And my highly unproductive day didn't have much else in it I think.

Oh I remember sniffing in the afternoon a bit. I forgot for what reason. Probably from music again. And just the general atmosphere of things. You know, how it is so cold and dark here. Yeah, I know I can make it light again by turning on the lights but I dislike artificial light anyway. I'll go to uni tomorrow just to avoid this I think. Moping in my room in the afternoon isn't a good thing at all. Heh. I still remember the only time Stanny was at my house all year, still remember the first thing he did was come in, give me a nice bear hug and drag me out annoyed that I dared to mope. I wish I got more bear hugs. I miss em'... they're nice.... *shrugs* Meh. I can stand up on my own. Doesn't matter... doesn't matter at all...

A silent day...

2009-06-16T11:44:00.000+10:00

I can't remember what I did on this day either. Uhh... absolutely nothing I think. I recall never studying at all. LOL. Oh yeah! I went to uni! For dantai practice. I spent the day hanging with lunch tables people rather then hiding in the library. Cao was asking everyone to come in to do some cheesecake surprise thing for Kimmy. I missed it! Cause I got to uni at like 12 PM, apparently it happened after 11 PM. It was a joke where Cao had a cheesecake box from the cheesecake shop, he stepped on it. Crushing a $5 Coles mudcake inside (sobs). He then gave Kim another box... which was empty. After Kimmy gets frustrated he and Steve bring out two cheesecake boxes with ACTUAL CHEESECAKE inside! Yay!

So we had a nom nom nom time eating cheesecake. But there was too much of it! I've eaten so much cheesecake now, lol. Strawberry and Mango (which turned out to be Passionfruit). We all wanted to try the 'mango' cause it was different. We made Jeremy cut it cause Celine is fail at cutting, and it was hilarious. He cut strawberry then no one wanted it and we all wanted 'mango'. Uhh.. no plates so some of us just used our hands. And looked absolutely disgusting. Me and Phe-chan anyway. I remember we forced Henry to eat a slice and he kept going on about how fattening it was! I mean... HENRY! He's so thin, small and scrawny as it is. I figure he's one of those people who don't put on weight (well, they can still get heart attacks from the fat but still, not get fat). When the dantai assembled we went to our usual room. We're such a big group now... I swear. A world of a difference from last year. And yeah, we just practiced everything. Kimmy had an exam the next day yet she still came. But no dancing for her, lol.

Not much else to say there. Jono was helping me and Yi Xin with Princess Bride to iron out the parts we can't do. And in the evening we all hobbled off. Back at airport lounge. Hmm... not much, I thinks. There was still cheesecake left. Which was LOLs. I think I left with Tom or something and parted ways at the bus loop. Dinner... what was dinner. The only funny is that... I RECALL EATING CHEESECAKE FOR DESSERT! Courtesy of Sha. Mixed Berry Cheesecake. Frozen ones from Sara Lee. I <3 the frozen ones though. I think Jia Chee cooked today. I recall having soup. Can't remember my night either. I think I've been sleeping early and just been sleeping a lot. I can't blog about it now since the days have past, but I do know that the past few days I've been acting a bit weirdly (well... weirdly in that my mood is jumping erratically again. But most of the time I just seem down, sort of. Bah... whatever).

Study Take Four

2009-06-15T11:05:00.000+10:00

Yay, more endless days of 'attempting' to study. I use the word attempting because it really is just attempting. I did the usual of getting up and getting to the library by 8:30 AM. And it was basically another day of so called studying with James, Leon and Mel. Yeah, I have like the worse study habits and I think everyone realised that now. Ehehe. I hope my slackness isn't proving to be a distraction, considering Leon, James and em' had an exam tomorrow. Ah well...

Lunch was usual. Leon said my cheesecake was good so yay~ uhh... what else. Near to 4:30 PM, I just texted Rachel about Maccas. They all left without us, but then waited at the busloop. So me and Leon headed over. A few different people today were at Maccas. Like Whitney, Drue (and the usuals). Been a while since I saw Drue. Last time would be... when he... saved me from that... ridiculous night at Prahran. Looks sleepy as ever. Tom joined us at Maccas after he got back from his exam. It was quick. I just had a cheeseburger. Then we went back to the library. I didn't stay for much longer, I went back by 7 PM (took the shuttle bus at the library) as Amanda wanted me back for dinner. Well, I already had a cheeseburger so I wasn't too hungry, and there wasn't much food to eat so it was okay. Some yummy sausages, vegetables and stuffs. Hehe. I forgot what I did after that. Go back to my room I guess.

Shopping and Cooking

2009-06-14T21:06:00.000+10:00

A short day where I did nothing but shop and cook! By the time I woke up, all I did was eat lunch... then go shopping for groceries at 1 PM. Everyone else went on Saturday so I went by myself. And I had a good hour and a half buying groceries in Clayton. Bought a lot of food! Enough for three meals. I planned out to make Shepherd's Pie, Chicken Meat Pie, Char Siu Bao, Chocolate Cream Puffs, Oreo Cheesecake and some random dessert (probably just choco muffins or something). So yeah... took a hit to my wallet, lol. Ouch. But, I was eating off everyone else for like 3 weeks so yeah... it is about time.

I got home, took a quick breather and went cooking by 4:30 PM. It took me up until 8 PM to get two chicken pies and the oreo cheesecake done. The pies were a horror because the pie base, after I spent so long rolling it out and stuff fell apart after baking cause it was too crumbly. Yi Xin and Sha were there with me during that time. I was FFFFF-ing so badly they told me to calm down and don't stress about food. But... if I'm gonna spend so long on something it should look good! Meh. The oreo cheesecake looked decent although it was overcooked actually, and we all ate it warm so yeah... it needs to be eaten cold to taste decent. I liked the pies though. I thought they were great even though I'm sick of baking pies now. Cause I hate rolling out the crust. But I like eating the crust... oh and I made stir fried asparagus for the veggies part (the pie had spinach in it but it was just frozen spinach, lol).

Forgot what I did at night. Was probably just being emo again tbh. I dunno. I can't remember (as I am writing this entry days later) but I do know that I have been going to uni lately cause home makes me restless and upsets for no apparent reason whatsoever. Bah, it's stupid.

Box Hill and Ichipan Crepes

2009-06-13T06:39:00.001+10:00

I woke up at around 10 AM. Apparently there was a meetup for Crepes at 1 PM @ Box Hill which I thought I would go to! But here I was... in Glenny at 10 AM. I needed to go home first. Mobile had no bat. I had a total of three hours to get home and go to Box Hill. Dilemma #1. The house... I dunno where I am in Glenny and how far it is to the train station. Dilemma #2. I need to leave soon cause it takes almost an hour from my home to Box Hill anyway by bus. So I left the house by 11 PM, told Raine sorry that I wasn't staying for breakfast. And yeah, with Raine's hand drawn map (and without a mobile - funny if I got lost) I found my way to Glenny train station! And lucky lucky the bus was here in like 5 minutes.

Got home, checked Box Hill bus time and I had a total of 10 minutes at home. Gah. So much for a shower. I quickly left and hopped on. Box Hill is too far away, the bus ride felt like forever. I just sat there for the 45 minutes or so it took listening to music (lucky I have my P2 these days or I would die~ I can't be idle so long, lol). Arrived at around 12:50 PM at Box Hill. I messaged Phe to find the location of everyone + the Crepes. Now, I found the crepes but... no people. The problem came in here. Phe and Lesley came at 2:10 PM. I waited the entire time. It was... cold and extremely dull. I did walk around a bit during this time. Just a bit. To be honest, I was getting into a rather bad mood. But... it's just me. I am an impatient person by nature. It isn't the first time I waited an hour or two for my friends but, the waiting in the cold tends to put me off quite a bit. Luckily they came eventually. 3 minutes before Phe and Lesley showed up, Linda walked right past me. I was like O.O cause she was here the entire time! Equally as lost! We should... get each other's numbers next time!! She was munching on crepes already upset that maybe we had left. Apparently Van was there the entire time too. I recall seeing a dude and his friend hanging around a lot. It must have been him! But I didn't know him, lol. So I never said hi. Like... WTF.

I cheered up with some warm food. I had some tuna salad crepe. Bad idea. Remind me to get a SWEET crepe next time. We went to BreadTop after cause I wanted something sweet but... nothing. LOL. They were sold out. I bought an ice cream puffy from Puffy while Les bought 3 custard and 3 mango puffs from Puffy and we all had a good time eating yummy cream puffs. After that, a lot of wandering around and shopping! Sort of. We checked out anime stores + cute shops. Phe bought panda speakers. Which was epic. Linda got 3 little kitty figurines. I didn't get anything but I did pay $5 for a really bad purikura of us 4. It was a crappy cheap machine which was messed up. The pictures snapped so fast we were like WHUUT WTF!! LOLOLOL. Then we couldn't decorate in time cause there wasn't enough time. I wanted to buy dumplings home for dinner cause it was 50 dumplings for $20 but they were sold out.

Near 4 PM, me and Linda went home. On the bus. We had to wait half hour for it to come thoughI had a nice bus ride as I spent the hour rambling to her about various things. Heh. Time passes much faster with someone next to you. I got home for dinner! LOL. What was dinner... *thinks* I can't remember. I think Sha cooked.

The cheesecake was a lie!

2009-06-12T04:27:00.002+10:00

Morning was assignment-ing. Then I hate like instant Korean noodles for lunch. LOL. Went to uni to hand it in! And yes! FREEEDOM~ to some extent. I 'will' study for my only exam. I have to. Although everyone thinks I will leave it until the last 3 days. LOLOLOL. So yeah, I did go to uni to hand it in. But like... I ran out of printer credit halfway through. So meh, I had to top up. This took a while so I hobbled over to Kimmy and em' first. She was going on about cheesecake, lol. Me and Rachel were gonna head to Caulfield just so that Rachel could get a feel for the place + I can hand in my assignment! Andrew Kim had an exam so I was like... OMG the last bus is soon get on it. And Kimmy just tagged along for the fun! Heh, so the 4 of us went to Caulfield!

We wanted to deliver Andrew to the venue + wish Jeremy good luck for his Asian Civilisation exam which he might be apparently failing. After we dropped Andrew off we wandered around searching for Jeremy. It's funny, really. When you want to see someone you can't find him, and the last people you really want to run into - you see them. That happened to me. I had to LOL @ that. There's always too much irony in life.

We left and went to the library to print out the remainder of my assignment. I ran into Fay momentarily~ and then... OMG, I remembered why I don't like Caulfield. It took me forever to realise how to pay + print for things. WTF I had to use 2 computers to print. Weird system. =.= Kimmy and Rachel had to wait ages. Then we went to the next building. And then done! I'm done. Hehe. So off we went to Coles! We wanted cheesecake. Coles, I saw Ieja! Heh. She didn't let me hug her cause she was going on about... being afraid of having the swine flu. Okay... *steps a bit to the right*

Cheesecake! Uhh.. Kimmy couldn't choose. And we wanted choco. And I wanted choco mousse. LOLOLOL. In the end, Kimmy bought a lot of maltesers and kit kat and Coles brand strawberry cheesecake. Oh and a 6 pack of ice cream. Which we all shared (2 sticks each). Vanilla and Choco Mint. We went home on the bus eating em'. It was good (although temp. wise it was cold and here we are eating icecream! LOL). Back at uni... saw Leon and the study group at Meeting Point. I am not there today! LOL. So we went to say hi. Back upstairs... Brad bought a lot of cookies. And chocolate. And everyone already had a snack fest. NO ONE WANTED KIMMY'S CHEESECAKE! It was horrifying, lol. Free cheesecake! And no one wants. What is wrong with the world? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD? Me, Rachel and Kimmy had like an extra piece each to try to get it down. Left a few in the end when the three of us left shortly after.

I went on the same bus as Rachel (703) although I was heading to Glenny! Got off at Syndal. I was to meet Raine there as she invited me to her sister's 18th bday party. Remind me to never walk to Glenny from Syndal again. In the cold. And when you don't have as much time as you thought you did. LOL. Raine was at Woolworths. I stopped by the cute goods shop and spent forever trying to find a gift. I wanted to buy a GIANT TOAST (it was $25) but I thought it was a bit too much for someone I met like once for 10 seconds 2 years ago. LOLOL. So I bought a little doll for $10 and put it into a pretty pink gift baggy thingy. Metup with Rainy and then we went to pick up the cake. After Raine bought more groceries. Uhh... we waited outside near the traffic lights for her sister and her friends to come over from Frankston (where they all live). It was a lovely cake Raine bought... from some Bread Kingdom place. I saw Yi Xin at the traffic light, she was out with her cousin. Got snubbed though ... lol, nah I was too far, it was dark and way to noisy outside for her to see me. She didn't expect me to be in Glenny anyway.

Her sister + friends were lost in Glenny. But yeah, they finally made it to us! And little party was at 4 seasons! The... Korean BBQ Karaoke place where we celebrated Tom/Sam's 18th and Jia Chee/Damian's Bday last year. To be honest, I would rather ignore the place if possible. I dunno, having things remind me of things just doens't go well with me right now. But meh, whatever. The Korean BBQ, with lots of food and a hot pot was awesome. I was a bit isolated (well expected but I had Rainy plus her sis is awesome) cause of language barrier but it's okay. Everyone was really nice anyway. Hehe. So yeah, a ton of food and karaoke. There was some major party going on next door in both rooms. It was like.... 60 white dudes with 3 girls at their party. A lot of people walked into our room. And they were drunk. I had to tell so many people this was a private party and we don't appreciate people opening the door and gawking at us Asians.... =.=

I went a bit emo during the party. Kept up pretences well enough when needed (it was someone's 18th afterall, I know when to act) but inside I was feeling like crap. *shrugs* Oh well. It's normal. Nothing to do with what was happening around me, like I said, language barrier was a problem but they were all very nice, and Raine and her sis are awesome. So that isn't it. I dunno, just the venue I guess. I just spaced out a lot. It's just the venue... I dunno, Xin and me had this convo already. She sort of said, just treat the past happy memories as a happy memory. It'll make you feel better. I agreed but... times like this, I just wished nothing ever happened. Meh. Whatever.

When we left. There was milk in the fridge. So I went to find the manager. But amonst the drunken youth (those kids were all like 17 or 18) I couldn't find him. So we left to the townhouse where there was supposed to be a sleepover by a huge taxi. So awesome. And Raine went back to get the milk and stuff while I took the girls to the house. It was such an awesome house. Such an awesome house. Did I say how awesome the house was? Can I move there? It's so nice. With 4 bedrooms, jacuzzi... and stuffs. I explored everything. Such a nice oven. And dishwasher. And so much cultery and cooking + baking equipment! Me and Raine shared a twin bed room. Uhh... not much happened. I was really tired. I just helped Raine cut up fruits for supper (choco + fruit fondue) then me and Raine sat on the couch and watched Yes Man while everyone else was drinking wine and playing 'Werewolf'. LOL. I fell asleep pretty fast in front of the TV. Raine woke me up soon after and went to bed properly. It was freezing in the house (dodgy central heating) but the bed was nice even if the sheets were soooo cold.

In response to comments. I am too lazy. Just that... anonymous people should stop being anonymous. LOL. The fact that someone called me Boony means that there is a Tom or Sam around here though (not James cause James can't type a sentence that is comprehensible).

Watashi wa koko ni iru yo...

2009-06-11T19:06:00.004+10:00

A day of me being pretty down. *sighs* Well, I spent the day in my room so it is to be expected. I needed to finish my two assignments today. Above anything. But my procrastination was amazing and I was always so emo (I need to stop using that word - maybe I'll use 'meh' instead~) I spent a good few hours just laying on my bed wondering what the hell I am doing. I could of went to uni or the State Library to join the others. But, I wanted to finish my assignment. Not much much to say here. I meant I spent the entire day on Facebo-... I mean, doing my assignment! LOL. The morning had KL and James L. attempting to get me to the State Library. Which was a no-go. I couldn't tell whether they were angry or not, but I figured it was a joke and it was. ^^;;

Lunch was... lunch. Joanne cooked dinner! It was yummy stuffs, hehe. I didn't want to sleep at night to finish my assignment, but I did! So what happened... we had a study group after dinner. In this study group, Sha was in a wreck - sort of. Jia Chee was stressed as hell but her stressed translated to her being a bit giggly and sarcastic about everything. I was all "Lalalala~" since I was done until... I read my assignment critera. "Eto... criteria.. wh-.... what's this second page?"

............ didn't do the assignment correct at all. Time due = the day after. It's worth 50% of my grade.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

And after that it was me running around in circles on FB and MSN going lolol WTF WHAT DO I DO!!! GAHHHHHHHH!!!!! HOLY SHIT Faaaaaaack!!! *smashes head against wall*

I went away to work throughout the night although I did sleep quite a bit too. Hehe.

Study Fest Take Three

2009-06-10T18:44:00.001+10:00

And we continue the third day of the exact same day. LOL. I went to uni. Lawrence was there today so boo boo I was at the back. Rachel, Andrew and Vu came too but sat on the other side. So I was always alone. T.T I watched the movie Clueless at the library, since it's part of my essay. I brought my actual laptop with the DVD drive but it doesn't connect to the net so I had to walk home again to get my netbook which does. Saw Brad along the way.

So yeah, not much else happened I think. Lunch was at 2 PM again! Just that there were more of us. We ate downstairs at Meeting Point again. I still munched on BreadTop. I went upstairs to visit the lunch people finally because I couldn't take this anymore. The same routine. It was weird seeing people like Brad, Jono and co. cause I haven't seen em' for a while. Okay, a while is a few days. But we were always in the Campus Centre. We just didn't go upstairs. Haha. Tom came down eventually and joined us at our study group in Hargraves.

Kim MSN-ed me at one point in time asking what Leon was wearing. Then she said don't tell him anything. Apparently Jimmy was coming to get (rape) him. So I was in this dilemma to tell Leon or not to run for it. Eventually I did (told him to cover himself) but yeah. James, Steve and Khanat came. It was hilarious cause I was like.. "omg... save us..." and they found us after looking for a bit. Since Leon was boxed in by Tom, Yih and Mel, Jimmy and em' came down and sat next to me. Like the three of them. I was like "whuuut..... aren't you out to rape Leon?? D: D:" Jimmy was like texting Leon even though we were right behind him. And taunting him to tell everyone what the messages said. He didn't. LOL. Then they left. Me and Tom soon left after and I went to the airport lounge for a bit.

Apparently everyone was talking about texting Leon or something. How Jimmy used Brad's phone to text Leon but the message went to Khanat (Brad has the wrong numbers I guess under the wrong names). Leon said he got 13 SMS' in the end or something. I went home soon after. Dinner was umm... yummy sticky rice by Sha. I <3 that rice. It's the best ever. I attempted to make quick microwave fudge cause I was a bit down (as usual) and needed a sugar fix quick! But I needed confectioner's sugar (icing sugar) and I only had 200 grams of it which wasn't enough. So I used white sugar instead. Nup. Didn't work. The fudge is all grainy and you can feel the grains of sugar while eating it. It's nice and sweet though. Oh wells. Dinner was simple quiet and quick.

Back upstairs. I fell asleep like at 11 AM. With lights. Woke up at 1 AM. And I sat around chatting to Les, K-man and stuff until 3 AM. Apparently Les had trouble sleeping and was making pastry in the midlde of the night via K-man's [incomplete] recipe. LOL. Fell asleep again at 3 AM as we are capped and after that there was no net. Got up at like 6 AM... and tried to do my assignment. And that's tomorrow's post.

I need to do something about me being down. Seriously. It's annoying me. A lot. The hell like I wanna be sad. What the fuck am I sad for anyway? It's not like I am ever alone. Every meal is eaten with a friend. I live with my friends. I go to uni to study with my friends. I go to uni to bum around with em'. I don't have trouble fitting in cause I was there from day one and I never disappeared or anything. There's lots of people to chat to online. So, I don't see what's the problem. Don't get it at all.

I need time to like reflect like I always do but I'm lacking in it. And I dunno, my reflections don't seem to do anything. I get all happy, then sad, then happy, then sad. It's retarded. Should just stay happy forever. *sighs* Baka Celine. Wish the things just buried in the back of my mind would just disappear forever. Then I won't feel like I'm living with something still choking me.

Study Fest Take Two

2009-06-09T18:37:00.001+10:00

And today was basically a repeat of yesterday. Without the maccas. I woke up. Went to uni again to study. Sat there studying the entire time. Sort of. With Facebook of course! I think I spammed everyone FB's again with my notes. HAHAHA!! I got to sit inside the study area with Mel and em' today since Lawrence didn't come. James Lau came and so did Andrew eventually. I wrote most of my essay today, like 1700 words. So I think I did pretty well. There was a time Kim, Jeremy and em' came to visit us. They wanted to study too and were looking for room but Hargraves was full. =.=

Lunch was at 2 PM again. I had BreadTop. Not much else really. We still didn't go up to see the lunch table people and kept to ourselves. I left a bit earlier today. Like at 5 PM. I went home in emo-ness. And went to sleep fairly early still in emo-ness. I can't remember what happened already. Yi Xin cooked some yummy spaghetti for dinner. After that... I fell asleep fairly fast at night. The reason for the emo-ness? I can't say. Since I don't want to make a big deal of it. Plus, I don't want to go back on my words. Yeah, I'll be emo once in a while. Things get me down. I just need to learn to ignore them. Cause it's just a sign of weakness and everyone else has more problems. I'm just being a spoiled kid.

I just need to remember that.

Study Fest

2009-06-08T21:07:00.004+10:00

I got up at 7 AM I think! I was gonna get to uni by 8:30 AM to pickup a movie for my class but they misplaced it! So yeah... went to Hargraves by like 8:45 AM, couldn't find Leon and co. so I messaged, turns out I was already standing like right next to them, lol. And yeah, basically spent like 8 hours sitting at the back with Leon, Mel, Lawrence and Yih. I tried to study! I really did. I did quite a bit. One funny thing I did on FB closer to 12 PM was like... copy someone's FB note and do some 'ABC About Me' FB thing. It it hilarious cause I just tagged 25 people, and before I knew it everyone and their moms has done the note. Even randoms I don't know at all. It just spreaded. And spreaded. It's really funny. Sadly, everytime Lawrence or Leon came over to look at my laptop screen, I just happen to have FB or MSN on it. I was studying though! Believe me.

Lunch was at 2 PM. Umm... we went down and sat at the round tables near Meeting Point rather then lunch tables as we wanted no distractions and to leave within an hour. Also, Leon was avoiding James. Apparently Jimmy was out to get him. I mean... study with him. But Jimmy has been warned as the ultimate study buddy no-no, cause he doesn't really do very much. Leon was all paranoid about this cause James sent an SMS saying "I know where you are..." basically. And cause of that, lunch meant looking in every direction in case James would pop out of the ceiling or something. He also SMS-ed me too basically saying "Tell Leon I am coming to study with him." It was rather strange. Jimmy never did show up in the end. Me and Mel had Shin Ramyun for lunch. Haha.

By 4:30 PM, me, Lawrence and Leon went to Maccas Monday. Lunch table was deserted, it was surprising. Turns out the Maccas people had already left. So the three of us made our way. I sprained my ankle during this time. Yeah, Lawrence and Leon witnessed as I fell over on flat ground. *sighs* We caught up to the group. It was pretty large. Kimmy, Jeremy, Sam, Steve and em'. They asked us why we didn't study with them. Probably cause we actually wanna study, lol. Anyway, me, Lawrence and Leon stayed at Maccas for an hour before we went back to Hargraves. I had some mini snack thingy. No 50 cent cone or frozen coke. It was REALLY COLD. I didn't stay too long after that. Me and Lawrence left soon after.

Can't recall what I ate at night or what I did. I think it was these yummy noodles by Jia Chee. The night was mostly spent of me sleeping and stuffs.

Waking up...

2009-06-07T18:05:00.003+10:00

I woke up at around 9 AM. I spent the entire day not doing much. I attempted to do my assignment due on Weds. It isn't coming along very well at all. I dunno, it was all still a bit surreal. Today, that is... lunch I just munched on my sandwich with Jia Chee and Sha. In the evening, I felt a bit odd again. Meh. I guess it's just something that happens every evening. Melancholy. Since most of the day was me, alone, in front of a comp. With something looming over me. I suppose I can't expect to be all happy happy joy joy. I don't really care.

I mean the afternoon I did tell someone, that I am fine. I don't care. Whatever. Right now, I should worry about my friends around me. Whom all have MUCH GREATER problems then me. I need to care for them. Cause what I think is so minor, that I am sad for such minor things it's just my own weakness. But I'm also bad at caring for other people. I never know what to say or what to do. And yesterday was a prime example of this. In the end, I would fall back on Yi Xin. I think that may be my focus. If I can't help other people, I'll at least be there for Yi Xin. While she suffers from helping everyone else.

I was thinking. I think I'll move next year. To somewhere else. I dunno where. I dunno whether Sha / Yi Xin will still be in Aus next year, but I hope we will go somewhere else. This house has too many memories already. I think we need a new start somewhere else. If I'm alone next year I'll have to check out with seeing whether I can get Raine as a housemate or something. Whatever it is, I can't stay at this house anymore. I recall mentioning to someone else this morning also. "The reason I stay in uni so much, and never return home until night. Is cause I just feel something is odd with this house. It isn't just me fearing the memories in my room. It's just everything in general. The atmostphere. Only at uni am I the calmest."

Failed attempts...

2009-06-05T23:02:00.000+10:00

I spent most of the day on my second assignment. It was nearing 4 PM by the time I finished it and I rushed off to uni. Once I did that, I hobbled to the lunch table but no one was around but Owen. Then I walked out and noticed Rachel waving at me. Her, Jeremy, James, Andrew Kim and Brad were still there. Apparently everyone else went to watch Terminator (Kimmy, Alan, Lee, Steve and co.) So it was a quiet few hours of me copying anime off Rachel, chatting about various things, watching Jeremy and James be totally gay for each other and me and Rachel eating Golden Gaytime, lol. Uhh... Mel, Leon and Yih came over after a bit from their study session and they went to watch the last episode of Bloody Monday. Brad just sat in. I was standing around watching, as I had nothing else to do. Rachel, Andrew and Jeremy were laughing at some forum thingy, and James went off with Raine and they both just flirted on a couch, lol. So I was a bit wandering. But yeah, Mel and Leon told me to sit to watch with em' so I ended up squeezing with them on the couch in the airport lounge. I've now spoiled myself completely on Bloody Monday as I saw a bit of the first episode and the last. I wanted to watch this Jdrama! Gah.

After that, uhh... just more sitting. Me and Yih were reading a chapter of 07-Ghost when Raine called me downstairs. We were gonna head to maccas with Jia Chee. Ly invited us and a bunch of others. I guess it was supposed to be like a reunion of the older members but it sort of failed as no one really came. Was just me, Ly, Raine, Jia Chee, Stan, Alex, Chris, Ally, Damien, Chris and James for a while. I <3-ed eating my Chicken Deluxe burger, heh. Damien tried to play the $1 Trivia Pursuit game from Maccas but the questions were still epic phail. I still remember some of them still. It was hilarious.

"What is the name of the popular computer brand: Apple, Pear or Banana?"
"Is Free Willy a dolphin, whale or lobster?"
"Does the President of the US live in New York, Washington DC or Los Angeles?"
"Is the historical figures name Marco Tolo, Marco Folo or Marco Polo?"
"In Lord of the Rings, is the race of small individuals know as Frobbits, Tidbits or Hobbits?"

Damien was going OMG every three seconds had how bad it was. Clearly Free Willy is a LOBSTER! Then we played the game Ly brought. It was Taboo, a game where we have these cards. And we're split into two teams, like charades, we have to guess what the word is from an explanation. But the explainer cannot use the 'taboo' words to explain the word everyone has to guess. No pointing or acting out either. So example, 'Face', you can't say eye, nose, mouth or something as it will give it away. I had face as a word and I used incomplete sentences often. It was a convo like this...

Me: "I have an ugly..."
Ly: "FACE!"
Everyone: LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!
Me: *dies*

Another word I had was 'Flat'. And the convo went...

Me: "Unfortunately I lack these assets. Tom always makes fun of me and say I am..."
Raine: "FLAT!"
Everyone: "OOOOOOH!!!
Me: *dies*

The truth hurts! The truth hurts! But I made the sentences knowing someone will get it. Another word I had. Shield! So I said...

Me: "So like, during paintball. I hate getting hit. So I use Chris as my..."
Chris: "SHIELD!"

I thought I was pretty good at it. Heh. Chris is really good at guessing. Really fast. It was a load of fun. After like an hour and a half we only got through a quarter of the cards. Cause we got through all the cards but each card has 4 words printed on. A long way to go. But yeah, we decided to go home as it was nearing 12 AM. Chris drove me and Jia Chee home. Hehe. I had a nice and lovely sleep. It was a nice day.

The Japanese Club

2009-06-04T18:14:00.000+10:00

I went to uni by 9 AM for my only two class of the entire week, lol. It was a peaceful class. Then I went to hand in my essay. For some reason, everyone was at the stage instead of lunch tables. I went to munch on my bread, chat to Phe, Yih and Emma for a bit then I went to the stage and sat alone working on my assignment. Kim and co. went to maccas but I was not allowed to join them, lol. I went for my last class at 1 PM and came back sitting around for a bit. I almost fell asleep in that last class. Crap. Decided to head to the library to work on my assignment past 2 PM. It isn't often I work in the library because sitting alone in a quiet place does not go well with me.

It took me like 20 minutes to find a power port + table I could use. Gah. Anyway, I sat there for around 2 hours, and decided to finally head back to the stage. First thing I got when I walked to the airport lounge / stage area was Leon going "What the hell, Celine!!!" as I was supposed to do work until past 5 PM or something. Hah. Anyway, me, Sam, Tom and Leon were gonna go to the Japanese Club Dinner night thingy tonight. Uhh... we hung about at airport lounge to meet Eri (one of Leon's Japanese's friends - who I have now happily befriended~) and Juan. Anyway, we all headed there together by PT. Umm... not much happened really. I recall sitting and chatting with Sam, Eri and Alex a lot (whom we met on the bus). What happened on the train. I can't really remember now but there was funny stuff. The only joke I know came up was that I would blame Sam for anything that went wrong from now on, and he would in turn blame Leon. So if I whack Sam as I always do, he instintively hits Leon straight after. This puts guilt as I smack Sam around a lot and Leon blamed me for getting hit as a process. Hahaha.

When we got to the city we expect there to be like Jap Club people at Flinders by 6 PM but there wasn't anyone. So we decided to go shopping! And off we went. Uhh... the lot of us minus Alex who went to Melb Central for Gloria Jean's Coffee. We went straight to some Star... place. Uhh... the store along Lt. Bourke Street that sells Japanese, Korean, Chinese and whatever drama, music and stuffs. And pirated anime. We spent forever staring at the J-Drama. Me, Leon and Juan. Hehe. Tom and Sam both spent over $100 at that moment buying music. We eventually dragged them out since it was almost dinner time and to stop them from grabbing anymore things.

When we got to the venue, Ramen Ya, we realised maybe we should of came earlier. Bleh, no seats. There was still two tables at the front empty, so oh joy. We could sit together, but in isolation from the rest of the club. LOL. So much for socialising. In the end, my night was spent being bullied by Sam, Tom and Leon.

Let's talk about the food first. It was miso soup and gyoza (three per person) as an entree, main meal was a ramen of our choice and dessert was either green tea ice cream or daifuku. I had gyoza ramen while the three guys had char siew ramen. The miso and gyoza were good, although I found out Tom doesn't like nori (san of red bean. So yeah, everyone was like blehh. And ate it in hiliarous ways. I ate my daifuku with a spoon. Like I picked it up with a wooden spoon and just munched on it. The daifuku was the size of my palm (maybe a bit smaller) but bigger then normal mochi. Sam didn't eat it at all, he just spent the entire time squeezing it cause he likes the feeling *coughs* and texture. Which is soft. Tom ate a bit, ripped it open, then started poking a smiley face into the mochi. And it looked like a person with their brains blown up. Leon tried to eat it as he insisted he paid for it, but he had a hard time using his hands, the daifuku was sticky and his hands went all sticky in the end. He couldn't get it off since tissue doens't work. And didn't finish it, lol. It was hilarious. As a result we all had to go and get ice cream at maccas after we ran off from the dinner. I mean, if we had eaten green tea ice cream it might not have turned out this way. The green tea ice cream certainly looked a lot better but I've no idea really. Maybe it tasted funny also. I always knew I wasn't one for asian desserts, but I do like mochi. I am gonna buy some yummy mochi to feed to the guys since the daifuku obviously gives the wrong impression!

What did we talk about at the table. So many things I can't remember. Tom kept commenting on the way I eat and stuffs. "Oh my goodness, don't you know how rude that is. What kind of things do they teach you savages from Bruny?" Yes, they are calling Brunei, Bruny now. As they all humbly call me Boony, it's like Boony from Bruny or something, lol. *dies* There was one part where the guys were gossiping as usual. What else... umm, talking about the physical appearances of people. I didn't like where this convo was going. I sadly don't fall under the cute asian girl category either. I wish I could like... you know, be as cute as the girls in dramas and magazines but that isn't happening so that isn't happening, lol. Face isn't gonna change and I don't want it to or I won't be Celine. As stupid looking as I look as everyone likes to point out to me since I always look confused. Dinner included more Sam and Tom beating, which ended up as a Leon beating but yeah... ehehe.

Uhh... the 4 of us with Juan and Eri ran off early cause... we didn't want to take part in the games. Well, Tom, me and Leon had work for tomorrow. So yeah... after the mess of daifuku we ran for it. After saying bye to Alex and Scott (the only people I know anyway in general). We hobbled to maccas near Flinders and had some yummy ice cream then pretty much went home. Before we left, Leon tried on my hat! He looks good in it. Just like when he tired on my cat jacket. *nods* Yep, yep! Way fashionable! Umm... at Flinders, me, Leon, Eri and Juan missed our train so we had to wait an extra half hour. I had a good time chatting to Eri during this time about a lot of things. She's from Osaka University doing Ancient History. Hehe. On the bus back, we saw Alex. Who left shortly after us, but he took an earlier train to Caulfield and got on the same bus as us (who boarded at Huntingdale). Back at uni, I decided to wait for the shuttle bus with Eri rather then walk home. It was past 11 PM. Yay, I then got home... uhh... was online for a bit then I fell asleep pretty fast actually. I had to wake up early to work on my essay anyway. All in all, awesome day! Tom, Sam and Leon are like some of the best company around. Since too much crap is said when you put them together with the likes of Jeremy and Jimmy. Heh.

End of Semester BBQ

2009-06-03T13:59:00.000+10:00

Today would be MCAC's end of sem BBQ. I had no lectures so I just went to the JSC at 11:30 AM! Hmm. What happened. It took them one hour to build the gazebo, cause there were no instructions. But through the combined power of Lesley, Sam H., Jeremy, Amanda T. and co. they managed to do it! Hehe. The BBQ was loads of fun. I was really happy on the day. Like, really happy. I reall had fun. A lot of stuffs happened!. The main points was that we had Drue/James and Jeremy at the BBQ, James + Jeremy are absolutely disgusting half the time but they are hilarious. It DID NOT help that the 'gluten' free sausages made them so mushy that half the sausages were mushed together and looked like penises. Mel, Yih and Amanda T. were cutting up onions. Leon and Sam were at rego table. And Tom was just wandering around everywhere.

Some stuff I loved. Uhh.. they were giving out coke and stuffs for a $1 donation. But it was like $1 or best offer. I read the best offer in small lettering and was like...

Me: "Best... offer.... *looks at Sam* Can I get it for $0.50?"
Sam: ".... fine."
Me: "EPIC! SCORE!"

Yvonne got one for $0.20 and the best was Sam getting one for $0.05 then giving it to Leon which was snatched by Damian then returned to Leon. I did pay $1 a can for Andrew Kim though who swiped one before a sign came up and didn't know it wasn't free (and had no monies...). Photos wise we did so many random poses. My favourite was our attempt of doing our super sentai pose again. Kim had run off from the BBQ, so me and Jeremy were like nooo... so Amanda T. jumped in instead then Sam hobbled in the last second. It was the most epic photo ever! We got one with me, Kim and Jeremy at the end though (I recall I am the pink ranger, Jeremy is yellow and Kim is black~). I guess now I am also hope (kibou~), Jeremy is justice (seigi~) and Kim is courage (yuki~). Haha.

We had a group photo which I thought was fail cause it was too small and missing people. The one I had last year was bigger. So much for getting photos that get larger every year. What else. The gluten free sausages had their gluten free stickers which everyone stuck on KL + each other. Bunch of people stuck it into my hood. I was wearing my neko jacket at the BBQ and big mistake with the tail. Everyone kept taking it away, poking it at my face, attempting to BBQ with it, doing obscene things with it. @.@ And my hood, uhhh... Leo kept putting stuff into my hood. And I didn't notice! Now I have a reputation for being incredibly thick headed. I tried to get Leo back but it was phail on my part. T.T One time I passed Leon my hoodie. Hehe. He tried it on ~ so now he's Leon-nyan cause it's cute. :3 :3

We had some Dragonball fusion photo. That was weird, lol. Of Moo and Vu H. And Xin and Amanda T. We had some session at the end where it was the boys vs girls whisper and gossip session. Not that we were whispering. But we were obviously outnumbered. T.T What else... at the actual BBQ, Jimmy and Jeremy would like throwing and smacking the sausages around. Apparently its cooked when it bounches back? It just looks so wrong though... So yeah, all in all. It was an awesome BBQ. With a ton of stuffs happening. It was the first BBQ since the welcoming BBQ of semester 1 last year that I wasn't the organiser. So I got to run around and mess about with everyone else!

I had to leave at 4 PM just cause I recall some deal I made with Leon that said that I would only stay untli 4 PM cause of my assignments. I didn't want to go but oh wells. I finished off my last assignment at night.

The reminder to smile...

2009-06-02T18:01:00.005+10:00

I think I need that reminder. To smile. And be happy. I keep forgetting it. Because I'm stupid. Only stupid people like me forget that I have so much to be happy for. I think my question of the day was. So.. when will this stop? When will this all stop? This crap feeling. Everyone tells me "Don't worry, Celine. It'll go away. You'll feel nothing one day. And you'll look back and laugh at yourself." Well now, it's been 4 months. I wanna look back and I still can't. I still feel like crap. Almost just like since day one. Maybe not as bad. At least, I am not laying on my bed, hunched up... begging for time to stop. And for myself to never wake up to this reality. Okay, I'm not doing that. But... I'm really just floating around right now. And I wish, so badly, that I could just... sit around, laugh, smile and be happy with everyone else as though nothing was wrong. I also feel bad for Jia Chee. I mean, it was her last semester here. And I did nothing to make to enjoyable. Instead, I came back to Australia crying. I cried for months. And probably till' the day she leaves will I still be crying.

I woke up at around 3:30 AM feeling like crap. My alarm was set to 2 AM but I didn't get up unfortunately. Instead of doing work I spent like 2 hours chatting on MCAC forum chat with Leon, Steph and James. I had a good time though. Am happy to have joined them. Don't think they would read this, or understand, but I dunno, I think that nice honest string of convos we have was sort of refreshing in a sense. Either way, it put me in a decently good mood for the day.

I spent the morning working on my EDF3009 reading journal and ENH3991 Assignment. Had lunch at 11:30 AM, went to uni at around 2 PM. For dantai mostly. There was so many people at practice today. Like... over 20 people. The room was full and crowded. I didn't realise we had THAT many members. We just practiced, saw the danjou video (I refuse to do that dance, lol), watched last year's dance + karaoke videos. At the end was like a dance showdown. Sort of. Had Jason + Kim's Mirotic, me and Kimmy did Eat You Up (I phail, lol), and other stuffs.

I went to lunch tables before heading to library then home. Uhh... Mel, Leon and Lawrence was watching "Bloody Monday". It looked interesting for a Jdrama. Remind me to bug Leon to get it off him. I needs to stuffs to watch during exam period while everyone is studying their head off (I will be studying too considering the only exam I have is on the unit that I have practically CONFIRMED to be failing if I don't get a Distinction or higher... If I fail this core unit I will smack myself continously cause I dunno what to say to mum "Oh sorry, I failed cause I was too busy being emo over losing someone." No no no. Gah.)

I went to the library. Then hobbled home. I dunno why but walking in the dark in the evening just made me a bit sad. I realise it's my fear acting up. I fear loneliness. So just being alone for an hour or two affects me. I know I haven't gotten my indepedance back yet. I need to work on this. By next semester, I MUST go back next semester being the Celine of last year. Regardless of anything, to be enjoying life. Because life is meant to be enjoyed. And to be happy. Because like Jia Chee said, good things WILL happen to me when I am happy. Dinner was just instant noodles. I ate pretty fast and just stuck to my room for the night.

"Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, never completely forget about it."

If it was just tears...

2009-06-01T21:14:00.001+10:00

An odd day of ups and downs as usual. So I overslept again. Boo me. Uhh.. went to uni just for dantai. We practiced quite a bit. It was rather funny when I went to find Jono and em'. So outside the door they were at were these two white dudes. Looking through the peep hole and making fun of the "people dancing in animal hats". So what I did was take out my mobile, phone and Jono and say outloud "Hey Jono! There are two white guys outside your room making fun of ya~". I knew where they were, I just phoned for the hell of it. Heh. Then I went to the door and they went to the side to hide a bit. I doubt they were embarassed but I was trying to embarrass them. Shame it failed.

After dantai... well we were joined by quite a lot of people. Jeremy has been sititng with us lately while studying. Yeah, went to lunch table. We shortly left for Maccas Monday. A lot of people came a bit later. At Maccas... uhh, not much happened. I shouted Lawrence and Jeremy to 0.50 cent soft serve cones. And had one myself. We just sat around, listening to music and bumming around. Kai Lun said that if anyone bought him a 2 pounder, he would eat the burger. So Yoshi bought one! It was over $20, and the two pounder had like... 8 patties. There was enough oil in it to I dunno, deep fry all the food in my kitchen. Haha. Apparently one double quarter pounder (aka half pounder) has like already 115% of sodium for the day, and over 100% of saturated fat. So he ate like... enough saturated fat for the next 4 days in that one go. Goodness me.

I hobbled home by myself. Sam and em' were on the 703 bus when I crossed the road. He SMS-ed me saying I was jay walking. I wasn't. Just that the light near the bus loop like... has the green man yet the traffic light is green also for the bus. No idea why it works like that but it's true. But then he was like... pictures or it didn't happen. Grr. I spent the evening chilling in the kitchen with the housemates. Sha made quiche and Jia Chee cooked Hokkien noodles. It was really good. Really good. Hehe.

The night. I dunno, I guess it didn't... go well. I went back to my room to do work but I didn't do work in the end. I don't wanna fail another unit but it seems to be going that way at this rate. Yeah, so I ended up crying in the night. Then I went to sleep by 11 PM just cause I lost reason to stay awake if I wasn't gonna do work. And sitting in my room on my own hurt too much. Why did I cry? I've no idea. The pent up stress. The pent up feelings of missing someone. Of hating yourself. Of asking yourself... why... the hell is everything like this. Why is it like this? I've no idea. If you want to ask me what was the trigger it was cause my mp3s was on rotation and it fell upon Olivia's "Wish". I love this song a lot but it was also the ringtone I specifically gave to someone months back. I just remembered sitting by my bed every night back in Jan waiting to hear that ringtone. It sounds stupid but it was one of the things I looked forward to during the night. So my heart sort of stops when I hear the opening of it...

"Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew."

SPAM SPAM SPAM

2009-05-29T14:39:00.003+10:00

I think I woke up around 4:30 AM, lol. I dunno, I had a presentation at 9 AM where me and my group mates were gonna do a 45 minute presentation on disability and gifted students. I still had parts of it to finish which I ddin't do the night before. Anyway, I went to uni by 8:30 AM and we were ready to go but the presentation itself was rather disastrous. It wasn't good. Everyone was bored as hell and we could all tell our tutor didn't like the presentation. It's worth 25% so yeah... we are sort of screwed. T.T

Anyway, I went to the last lecture for EDF3006. Had lunch which was.. uhh.. what was lunch again. *thinks* I think it was random food I brought from home. Oh, one of Izzati's brownies was in my lunchbox. Hehe. Those are so good. Then had my tutorial as usual. The highlight of the day? Uhh... as me, Rachel, Alan, Jeremy + Tom, Sam and co. destroyed Leon's Facebook status basically. What happened was that Jeremy posted up some random status about cute girls using Leon's Facebook status. That's all fine, until everyone starts commenting on it. And believing it. Then everything went haywire as we began to spam his comments. During this time, I think Leon was in the library cause he messaged me while appearing offline on MSN to stop spamming him, lol. Apparently his FB email notifications are on. So every message = an email. In the end, his status had over 200 comments. It was pure bullying, I'd have to say. But we all rather cruelly had a hilarious time doing it.

While this occured, we were all chatting on MSN with Shiki. Our resident 'cute' member of the club. It was funny just cause we were all on MSN while being in the same room. I was next to Alan, Rachel was like 3 metres away from me, K-man was on the floor near the door and Jeremy and co. were at the tables (the rest of us was on the ground at the far end of the room). When funny shit happened, one group starts laughing, then me and Alan start laughing. Then Rachel starts laughing and from other people's point of view it looks hilarious. Leon was sitting at the table (having given up on studying cause of our Facebook spamming) unable to see the screen so I think he thought we were all crazy so we all just bursted out laughing at random intervals (but we communicated on MSN rather then through speech). So basically our con consisted of the people mentioned, Shiki and Chris. When Shiki left, Jeremy was like "FUCKING SLUT!" and Chris was like "I'm telling her that..." and then he said "I was talking about Celine!!!". LOL, we all laughed IRL when that happened on MSN. It's funny shit.

After this MSN session, the Leon spamming continued but I think we started to get guilty. So some of us stopped. Poor guy. Too much bullying. He wasn't even in the area anymore, lol. Anyway, I went home in the evening... uhh, had a nice and yummy dinner. Which I can't remember what. Oh yeah! Stanny came over rather randomly! I was really surprised. He has not eaten dinner at our house all semester. Cause I was sort of lazing around in my room, and he was at my door. And gave me a really tight hug. I think he thought I was moping (I wasn't really... sort of, I dunno, I was just sort of indifferent - although I wasn't moving or sleeping truth be told). The evening was meh. I can't remember what I did at all. Heh.

Randomness, maccas and the usual...

2009-05-25T16:55:00.001+10:00

Good ol' Monday. This is a late entry so I sort of can't remember what went on. I think I went to Dantai practice in the afternoon. We were practicing for Yi Xin's birthday! Luckily she didn't come. I ran around getting everyone to sign her book too. Messaged like a million people or so to coordinate her birthday! We went to Maccas earlier cause Rachel couldn't come so we didn't wait for her. Uhh... Maccas was hot fudge sundae for me! And Yi Xin came to Maccas Monday for once! They had some board game promotion but it was kind of shitty. And Happy Meals had this really bizarre girly tamagotchi game. But it so ultimate phail I think Andrew and Leon tried to figure out how to use it but it didn't work.

At Maccas this week, sat with Leon, Andrew, Brad, Jeremy, K-man, Vince and co. I think we were playing some spin the bottle sort of game, but it was sort of phail. We tried truth and dare but everyone kept spinning it again if it WAS them. I forgot what kind of truths or dares we had. But everything was sort of phail regardless. All I remember was a question to Brad... "Who is more attractive? Jeremy or Leon?" and his answer straight away was "Leon, of course!" LOL. What else, uhh... we tried to like... force Brad to get a Facebook. Apparently he made and deactivated two accounts. He tried to get Face Bad, it didn't work then got Facebad IsBad or something like that.

Went home. Uhh.. I forgot what happened in the evening. Not much I thinks. I was in considerably good moods until near to midnight. To be honest. Where I can't remember why but my mood really dropped. Bah, gotta stop with the mood swings. I should be a happy and pleasant person by nature. When it struck 12 AM we all went to Yi Xin's room for her birthday. But that shall be the tomorrow's entry, lol.

@ Mr. Anonymous: You suck. LOL.

Laserwars and baking...

2009-05-24T23:49:00.001+10:00

This post is a bit on the late side. But let's talk about what happened at Laserwars! We got to Sidetracked and hobbled in. Sam and Leon went to pick up the peeps at Huntingdale Station! So me, and Jarrad (who suddenly came) and K-man and Jimmy just sat around a bit. More and more people started tumbling in. At first I was like... uhh.. am I the only girl. T.T No way... but in the end there was Steph (who managed to sneak out of her place), Sammi and Stanny's friend, Steph. There were around 23 of us, this meant that we could play a game continously if we wanted to since there was so little of us!

The night ran for around 5 hours by the time we started. Maybe a bit over that. Stuff that happened. Well, I played DDR twice (the second time Ly payed for my 3 games). We learned that Sam H. is a DDR master. Holy crap he's epic. We had lots of energy drinks, coke, gummy candies and chocolate over the night! But I was surprised that we were generally not tired. Well, I didn't feel too tired. Even when it was 6 AM. It was a stark constrast to last year where I felt like laserwars just DRAGGGGED on and on and on. And I was waiting for it to be over. This year I actually played almost ever game we had minus 2 or 3 I think that I decided to drop out on towards the end when I did get exhausted to some extent. Perhaps it was a good idea to sleep for a bit in the afternoon.

The actual laserwars! The first game was a team game I think. Two teams, it was a good little warm up. The high scorers in our group was definitely Jimmy (who pretty much was first at all times), Leon, Steve, Khanat, Evan, Stanny, Jarrad and etc. There was a game where it was like 5 of them versus the rest of us. They still won in the end in terms of points, lol. Other games we had, individual matches, shadow game (which phailed), flag game and tag games. I disliked individual matches cause then, I just got shot from everywhere and couldn't do anything. The shadow game was phail just cause I don't really like using missiles (the shots where you like... have to lock on to someone for 3 seconds or something). The flag game was phail at first. We had to capture the enemy team's flag. But the first time none of us could get it!

I generally defended the base most often. There was one game I think it was an individual one where I was a camper but now I realise how annoying campers were. There was also an individual game where I was a camper killer and ran around trying to take out the campers. The tag game was the most hilarious. It's where two people are IT (or more) and everyone only shoots them when they are IT. Their suits are lighted up. So like... you had dumb shit like me becoming IT pretty early on when we were trying to figure out the game, and it was pretty much like...

Me: ... *looks at herself all bright* Oh..... shit.....
Everyone: CELINE'S IT! GET HEEERRRR!!
Me: NOOOOOOOOOO~ KYAAAAAA~ WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

I know some people were laughing their heads off as I literally ran around the base crying and screaming my head off cause I didn't know how to 'un-it' myself and I had a horde of people chasing me. It is frightening!! Tom and Jeremy also ran around screaming, with Jeremy running down the ramp flailing his arms which was HILARIOUS! Some games, my only goal was to take Jimmy down since he always shot me a lot (often out of revenge). LOL.

Towards 5 AM, I still played games but I was really tired. I didn't even bother running during tag. LOL. Yeah, we took a group photo and cleared out by 6 AM! Uhh... James drove me, Evan, Juan and I forgot who else down to uni. He dropped the 3 guys in uni and personally drove me home. Hehe. Thanks Jimmy. It was good cause I wouldn't have been able to walk back. Too tired. I was tempted to go to Maccas with Brad and Leon after Laserwars, but I am glad I didn't cause they WALKED from Huntingdale to Clayton. OMG. I would have died.

The actual day. When I got home, I didn't even sleep. LOL, I was online until like 9 AM, where I slept until 12:30 AM. Then I got up. And then I basically spent 5 hours baking cookies for Yi Xin's surprise party on Tuesday. I made double chocolate chip cookies, shortbread cookies (which were overcooked and became butter cookies instead) and I was trying to make honey oats cookies but they were so soft I scrunched them into balls with suggestions by Jia Chee. Luckily Yi Xin wasn't home for the day so I could make them! I was worried they would be stale by Tuesday though.

Dinner was just instant foods and whatever everyone wanted to eat. I really should have done work but yeah... my day was just good ol' baking, lol.

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."

Shop, sleep and pre-laserwars dinner...

2009-05-23T23:09:00.000+10:00

I woke up at 7 AM! Bah, so much for my brilliant plan. At 11 AM or so, I went to Clayton by myself to do my weekly shopping. It has been a while since I've done groceries purely by myself, so it was an odd feeling. Especially with my whole 'fear of being alone' phase I seem to be going through right now. But I can safely say that I am slowly getting over it, it didn't really bother me much that I was alone. I just ran about really fast getting what I need. And buying choco horns in BreadTop and eating it. Haha.

Let's see, I went home and basically slept until 5 PM. Or I tried to. It didn't work too well. As I woke up too late today to be sleepy by 2 PM. I think I managed to nap for an hour or so though. Near to 7 PM I went out to the bus loop to meetup with Tom, Sam, Brad, William and Jeremy! We were gonna head to La Porchetta for dinner! It was a nice quiet little dinner. Evan, Cao, K-man were also there. Then we went to Coles where we all brought drinks and snacks. I just got Gatorade for $1, it was supposed to be $1.30 for some Special with William but he didn't want the $0.30, lol. Then we went to K-man's house.

At K-man's house, I got the wonderful couch and sat there for hours. I watched like 2 episodes of Ga Rei Zero with Jeremy, while everyone else watched some movie, and the Simpsons and whatever. I wanted K-man's Miffy bunny doll but like... Tom keeps taking it. Then James and Leon came and James literally took over my couch but rolling his HUGE self onto it that I had no choice but to get off or be squashed under his 100kg+ weight. T.T So K-man gave me a beanbag instead and in the end I managed to grab hold of Miffy! The couch was funny just cause I refused to get off for so long that people had to pass me chips and get me a cup from the kitchen cause I couldn't get up myself, lol.

Then we went to Huntingdale! Uhh... James drove Leon, me, Sam and K-man to the venue so we didn't have to train over! Yay! And yeah, what happened at the venue is an entry for the next day I suppose, lol.

Anata no kaeru basho de aritai...

2009-05-22T17:26:00.006+10:00

Gah. Today was supposed to be a pleasant day but it crash landed as I had the right buttons pushed. I should be over this already! GAH! Stupid Celine. Baka Celine. Baka baka baka Celine. Dammit, I wish I was like, cold hearted and indifferent in situations like this. I woke up at like 5 AM to do work. Went to Caulfield class as usual at 11 AM. Went to uni. There was barely anyone in uni today. Everyone is either doing work, playing badminton or was at the stage playing RO. I hobbled back and forth between lunch tables and the stage. Uhh... Sebby-kun did a birthday celebration for Jason. Most people dunno Jason but yeah we waited around for him. Even cancelled all our dance practices (Kimmy / Sebby anyway). I'm sure Alan and Lee wouldn't mind considering they were like playing RO the whole time.

I ran about trying to organise dinner for tomorrow before laserwars. I realised I was THE only girl... until I found out Steph is coming *phew*. I dun wanna pew pew pew with 20 guys only. For 6 hours in the middle of the night. There was one time I took Lawrence to C&S to get him refunded (we were looking for Jimmy) and like... I got trapped instead as Jimmy made me sign cheques. LOL, I am still signing cheques. Funny. I don't even remember being MCAC's prez anymore. I was gonna kick Lawrence for leading me there. Then James told him about my ankle. Gah, now he is teasing me about it! Other random cons...

Celine: Whuut... I'm the only girl at Laserwars?? I'm not gonna get raped, am I... T.T
Lawrence: No one is interested, Celine.
Celine: *kicks kicks kicks*

Me and Sebby sat and chatted to Rachel (non-MCAC one) for a bit. Andrew Kim was going berserk today, lol. I know the reason but I will not reveal as it is not my business and I don't find this something to tease or joke about. As I am well aware that the highly gossipy MCAC enjoys teasing and gossiping about people until they realise that people are in a lot of pain over many things. And it does hurt. And I know nothing is ever really a joke if you are serious. And sincere. As I am a huge gossip victim... yeah, I know how it feels also to be thought of as a joke. Ah well, I have my most trusted friends by my side though. Who know what I am really feeling, with that it's enough. With that I can live through everyone else laughing about me. And with that I can live through each day trying to get over everything. I do think it is highly hypocritical though that some people just love laughing at the feelings of others only to be in shock when they find themselves in the same / similar situations.

Jason finally came and we sang Happy Birthday! Hehe. And had cake! Not much else happened. Everyone sort of dispersed at 4 PM. Leon and co. went to KFC in Caulfield, lol. And everyone else just went home. So I went home too! Uhh... at home. Well I chatted to Yi Xin for a bit. Then in my room. Yeah, bad evening. I was okay, then well... someone showed me some photos of something. Photos from last year. And yeah, the tears just fell. I was glad Sha wasn't home otherwise she would of heard me sobbing, lol. And I don't need her to know or hear that. The photos from last year, I was smiling in them. I was laughing in them. And yeah, I just couldn't stop crying as I stared at the photo. Hehe, it was a photo from our BBQ last year of the Mokuani Dantai. We were all laughing in them. As though we were having so much fun. Those care free days, what I would give to the world to just go back to those times once again...

But I do know. If I keep staring at the doors that have already closed, I will miss out at what is in front of me. It's what my MSN PM right now is "Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow." Right now I can't take this away because I need it to remind myself. I read it like every hour sometimes. Not that this year has been that bad. 2008 had been bliss, 2009 would have been good if not for my own feelings. I know the year has passed by really fast for me. So fast I didn't even realise it past by. But, I am really happy with the encounters I had this year too. Really happy I got to meet Alan, Kimmy, Lee, Andrew, Steve, Jeremy, Rachel, Leon and co...

I know some people are still waiting for me to come back. I'm waiting to come back too. Raine brought something up to me today. On MSN. I dunno, it has got me thinking now.

[c=3]Raine-[小雨連綿無情風][/c] - says: ...remember what you said before about mcac being more a crowd of acquaintances than a crowd of friends? =/ that seems to be the truth?

Apparently, I said that line back in 2007. The me of two years ago said that. I wonder how true that is. I think part of it isn't true. I was skeptical in most years. But a year has past. Two years has past. And right now I can safely say that I trust Yi Xin, Rainy, Vu, Khanat, Phe-chan and a few others greatly. And I'm sure next year will be the same. And, I did meet those people in MCAC. Actually, not Raine and Yi Xin, lol. They are my friends from elsewhere who happen to just be in MCAC. But I think maybe it is more then a crowd of acquaintances. Since people have shown me to be more dependable then I ever seem to give them credit for.

In the evening, we celebrated Jono's birthday! I came downstairs as I heard Jono dancing in our kitchen. LOL. Scaring Cas and Thomas! Hahaha. Epic! Epic! Me and Xin joined him! And yeah, it was his birthday today. He was at our house purely to spend his bday with Yi Xin I think, but it was awesome of everyone to come up with a quick celebration. I felt bad not doing anything at all. We had lots of awesome food by Yi Xin, Jia Chee, Sha, Joanne and Mei Xian (nothing from me, lol) and a mud cake!! Hehe. Yum. I think Jono wasn't expecting it! It was a fun little night. Now, I wasn't supposed to sleep tonight as I had a little plan of staying up until the morning, sleeping for a bit, then sleep my way through Saturday afternoon so that I can stay up throughout Laserwars. This plan didn't work. I was dead tired by midnight.

"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."

@ Xin: Haha, perhaps. And yeah, Vu made me get burned down in that building!

Strikes, movies, dreams...

2009-05-21T07:15:00.004+10:00

Another dream. I was at a school or some centre with activities. An educational centre. Me and Yi Xin were taken away to another class with young children or something and they were using a computer or electrical equipment. It overheated and started an electrical fire, I screamed and hit the fire alarm. We evacuated. I ran back into the building to get my stuff left behind in the original room we were in. During this process, I ran into Vu, lol. I dunno what we talked about but we didn't leave the area. The dream also had other parts which I'm too lazy to explain with appearances from Leon, James Lau, Raine and others. It was weird and nothing happened in the end (unless I burnt down in the building I ran back into).

I overslept again. In the morning. *sighs* I dunno why, cause I am going a bit... odd these past few days, my initiative to work hard and concentrate is causing me to struggle again. But I can't do this. Not at this time. When things are most important. I just can't fail another unit. I know that. But I just kept laying, there - staring into the blackness of the room. Wondering... "Just what is wrong?" I may need to answer that.

As today was the NFEU strike or something, my presentation for Education with 5 other group mates was delayed (I suppose). As the tutorial did not run with my tutor on strike and all. So I went to uni at 11 AM just for my lecture. After lecture I met up with Mark for a bit to complete some work we needed to do for the presentation but didn't (I guess we're both the slackers in the group, lol). After that I ran off for actual food and ran into Rachel! Uhh... another Rachel. Not the one I talked about before. Non-MCAC Rachel. Hmm, I need to somehow differentiate. But yeah, I decided to eat lunch with her. Hopefully I can get some sort of weekly lunch thing going on with her just so that we can catch up every week or something (well, she would be with her friends normally but I don't mind hanging with a new group of people).

Then I went to my tutorial. Where I did my usual thing of writing nothing and just mumbling crap about disabled students (which has been a major topic lately). After that, uhh... I went to the Campus Centre cinema foyer as that is where everyone was! Vu looked hilarious in his graduation gear, just cause he wore his Auspost shirt under his gown. It doens't get more phail then that! MCAC provided free Pocky and drinks, so I hobbled to the cinema and pulled Jimmy's hair cause I wanted the Coke Zero and Pocky, haha. Anyway, I didn't watch any anime, I just spent the time in the foyer.

Uhh.... after that I spent hours just sitting around at the stage in the airport lounge. I thought all my housemates were going out tonight, so I was looking for someone to eat dinner with. As I still sort of have a fear of being alone, unfortunately. I know I need to like, develop my own indepedance again but... just not yet. As many know, my greatest fear is loneliness. And I'm a retard who can feel alone in a crowd full of people whom are all my friends. It's sad, I know. So yeah, Khanat and Chris were supposed to watch a movie with me! Night of the Musuem 2. I never saw the first one.

I was waiting for Vu to come out his graduation but it was a no go. Took too long. So I gave his card to Bernie-kun then went back home. Umm... Jia Chee's plans cancelled so I asked her to go to the movies with me. Chris pulled out. So yeah, 6:30 PM, me, Khanat and Jia Chee went to Glenny for dinner + movies. On the bus, we ran into Raine. Whom we didn't see at first. She was supposed to meet Jimmy at Glenny. Uhh... lol. We sort of surprised Jimmy at his work place when he was done but I felt bad intruding on his date with Rainy... gomen, Jimmy. =.= They decided to join us for our movie too? LOL. While lining up, we ran into V and his friends. I was WTF-ing. Gahh, people I know everywhere!!!

Dinner was at a Japanese place. Sakura Blossom restaurant or something? It wasn't very good actually. Food was pricey-ish and food was average. I had Teriyaki Chicken Udon. But yeah, the chicken wasn't very good. At the movies, our tickets were printed wrong. It said cinema 3 so in we went. Then we were confused cause the movie was halfway through already. Then I read a message on my phone and Raine is like... cinema 1, lol. Tickets are wrong. Epic phail there...

The movie. I SLEPT THROUGH THE MOVIE AGAIN! NOOOOO! I coudln't help it! I tried SOOO hard to stay awake. I managed to watch more then I watched Wolverine but... I blacked out so many times I was getting confused what was going on cause from my POV, the movie scenes were jumping. Gah, another waste of $10. I only saw like a quarter of the movie, lol. After the movies we cabbed home. I got home and uhh... sat around for a bit. But I went to sleep early. Since I was tired I guess.

"Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it."

@K-man: Haha. :P

Increasingly restless...

2009-05-20T21:03:00.002+10:00

Title says it all. I don't know, I am getting increasingly restless. Fidgety. Uncomfortable no matter where I am. Like, the only comfort I take is sleeping now. But that's just cause when I am asleep I feel nothing, see nothing and know nothing. I just dream, dream sweet dreams. But that is like running away from reality, and well... I should be tired of that already. I'm also tired of trying, but I don't want to give up cause... yeah, I'm sort of left without any choice. If I give up, well I don't know what giving up means. Say if we minus the whole not living part, to give up I guess would mean to stop trying to be as happy as you can, and who the crap wants to be miserable all the time? Uni is supposed to be the best time of my life and dammit I'm gonna make it the best time even if it kills me. >.>

I overslept in the morning. I was supposed to get up at 5 AM but I turned off my alarm and it was 7 AM by the time I realised I was still asleep and the sun was coming up. I skipped my Caulfield classes... cause I can't be bothered going to Caulfield anymore to be honest. I have an aversion to that campus in general. So I just went to uni at 12 PM... uhh, me, Sam and Leon bought our tickets for the Japanese Club's Dinner Night we are going to. I hope it'll be good. Emma prepared a booklet entitled "Operation Phe's Cosplay" detailing information on choices for Phe to cosplay. I made a poll on MCAC forums for everyone to vote on. Haha. 1 PM was screenings. Watched Eden of the East (a new show Rachel has been bugging me to watch for weeks, lol - it was good though) and CCS.

After screenings, uhh... it was random but Sam, me, Vince and Leon went to Chaddy. Cause I wanted earphones as I broke the last pair I have. Vince needed a scarf and Sam wanted to do a manga run. We went to JB Hi-Fi but I decided to just Ebay my earphones since I can get better ones for the same price. Sam bought a game and we spent forever in BORDERS and random clothing stores and no one really bought anything. It was hilarious. I dunno what we did all afternoon. And I learned today that men don't go shopping for clothes together! I never thought about this! So they either buy clothes themselves or... their mum buys it for them. OMG! It stuck out to me when Vince sort of asked Sam + Leon for their opinion on his scarf. And Sam was like... "......... uh... it's... okay?", hahaha. It was so funny! Sam said that guys don't try on clothes when they buy it (just hold it front of them) and thus why it doens't fit half the time (evidenced by Leon's oversized clothes or something he said). Hmmm. Very interesting!

We did nothing else but bum around in Nandos. And then went back to uni. I had nothing else to do and I wanted to help the housemates with food at home so I went home past 6 PM. Umm... everone was cooking and stuffs. I was tired for some reason so I went to nap in Yi Xin's room for an hour. I wasn't actually that tired physical, I dunno why I went to nap in her room. I think it's cause I just wanted to hide under something, and I didn't want to be in my room. Yeah, dinner was lasagna by Sha. After dinner I just stayed in my room for hours.

I decided on my cosplay for Manifest! Hehe. Will hopefully be a match to K-man and Sam who should be doing characters from the same series. I do hope.

I just went to sleep randomly. I dunno, today was odd. I just froze sometimes out of nowhere and wondered to myself. Wondering... what's up, really. Why do I feel so... out of place. Right now. With everything. I felt like saying something Xin today but she was obviously too busy, burdenered with a lot of things and well... I don't think I should say anything anymore. Cause everyone is sort of tired of it. I guess I'm just really insecure now. I don't want to bother anyone anymore. Just floating around feels strange though. I've no clue what's wrong really. I mean, nothing is wrong. Life is always how it is. I spend my days peacefully, every single day, surrounded by loving and caring friends. What else is there for me to ask for?

I've already used this quote in a blog post but I think it is appropriate. My mind knows all this, but not the body / the heart. So I am having trouble fooling myself. And this quote has so much irony in it for me. I mean, I am by nature just someone never satisfied. And I lose things because of that. Things that were so important to me. I should be warned really. As a friend had said... "Before you lose everything, you idiot... come back. We've all been waiting for so long..." I want to, I WILL, but... wait for me a bit longer. Please.

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for."

@Les: Only one part of the wall is blue. And that is all very interesting. Really interesting. Somewhat relevant also. Disturbingly...
@Mr. Anonymous: Probably K-man because I can only see him calling me a silly girl (wait, Yi Xin does that too but she would sign her name). Congrats, K-man. You have now officially made me go teary with your comment. That and the morning atmosphere.

As long as you're happy...

2009-05-19T07:54:00.008+10:00

I thought I would take a leaf out of Lesley's book and look at my dreams. So in the morning, I've had this on reoccurring dream that has been bothering me for... I don't know how long. I'm in a room. 'My' room. But it is an empty room. With white walls and a bed. There is a whiteboard on the wall of the room, with a lot of scribblings everywhere. Words and what not. Two men always come into my room and one of them stares at the whiteboard. The other seems seems to be talking to me. And nothing else really happens from there. I normally wake up. I just find this odd because I recall having this exact same dream like... numerous times already. I wonder what it means...

As my morning was an incredible pot of emo (yes, it's true) let's talk about the more pleasant day first! Yay, so after my one hour of crying in the morning (yeah, I didn't think it was possible to have tears for a whole hour, holy crap, where does all the fluids come from??? Should I drink more water and eat more salt? XD XD). Yay, shower time then off to uni. I know Alan, Kim and Lawrence were there since 8 AM (the weirdos...). And I know last night, Leon and Jeremy stayed at Drue's place which I found hilarious. Just cause my facebook front page is full of their spamming to each other, and a message that says Leon was sitting in Drue's lap! Awwww!! I knew it! Ahahahaha!

I went to uni, uhh... for my lecture. They were talking about fat people in my lecture. And I find out that my group presentation on Thursday is delayed as the university is going on strike on Thursday! At least, my unit is. Oh joy! No class on Thursday! I went back to lunch table, Vu was there! Uhh... what else. Just general randomness. Rachel brought her MASSIVE anime collection to uni. Haha. Perhaps I should bring mine one day! Then we went to dantai practice. Vu-Vu actually came to practice! For once. Woah. So yeah, we had a good time there.

I then went for my children's lit tutorial. I got my 20% tutorial test back. I got a D! Which I was quite happy about. Perhaps there is hope for me just yet. This is the same unit my other 20% essay got like a 52% or something (my D was a 72.5%). I'm currently working on my next assignment worht 60%. I must get a D for that... yeah, I need to try my best. Getting good grades back sort of makes me happy. Self-fulfillment I guess. I know I'm not the smartest thing in the world but I'm really not used to being treated as stupid, ya know? lol I mean... I wasn't top of class in ISB but I was pretty damn near the top a lot of the times (and I was #1 in IT!! I remember that, our seating was based on grade rankings and I had the #1 seat the entire time ~) Oh the good ol' days when I actually learned things. Now I can just write essays about random topics and books, and the most useful thing I learn I suppose is the psychology part of Education. But that's about it.

When I went back to lunch table... hmm, Rachel apparently left like 10 seconds before I got there! NOOOO! Bleh. And Vince was about to leave too. So yeah, I went home. Sat around for a while. Went to bake a couple of cookies downstairs to eat. Had instant noodle dinner with the housemates. Then I fell asleep in Yi Xin's room for an hour while her and Joanne / Mei Xian chat in the background with Korean songs playng the entire time. It's amazing where you can sleep when you are that tired.

So yeah, onto the sob sob stuffs. Yes, I'm sorry. You have to sit through me typing stuff like this. If I don't get it out I can't function properly in the daytime. Too much pressure and I can feel myself dying inside sometimes. I was crying pretty badly in the morning. The tears just wouldn't stop. Like a water fountain! Maybe if I cry enough it'll stop one day. But at least it doesn't happy too often now, sort of shows I am getting more immune to things. I need to take a perspective on life of indifference. Should not let anyone or anything faze me anymore. I highly doubt that would happen though, I don't recall myself or my family being the "I don't care, what happens happens" type. We're sentimental and sensitive people. The sort of people a lot of people like to say is kind, but... the sort of people also often in pain. Cause, the world is not kind... nor is it sentimental. But, I'd like to pretend it was. It's much easier that way. And I think I prefer the me who trusts the people she meet, rather then the me who thinks everyone has ulterior motives.

I just hugged my pillow and thought about a load of stuff. Hah, I was trying to figure out how did everything get to this point. My memory is starting to get a bit warped now. I think if one thinks too much, I'll start having trouble telling the difference of what is actual fact and what is stuff conjured up in my head. I was a bit confused. But yeah, I'll stop thinking soon, I hope. Cause, if I start believing in things that might not have actually happened... I dunno what sort of mental disorder I'm developing but I need to stop that. I just decided at the end that, yeah... life will still go on. So I gotta keep on moving. And there's always hope for tomorrow. For me, and for my friends too, whom I love very much and I hope that, they'll all sort out the issues pulling them down too. I can at least take comfort these days in seeing the people around me happy. As long as everyone else is happy. I just don't want to see people crying also. It hurts even more. Cause, to have hope. You want to see everyone else reach that end of the path where everything works out well, ya know? So then I can have hope too. It's a funny feeling really. I guess this is what it's like. Never thought I would have it to. The feeling... for the one I love. To know that that person is happy, and with someone that will probably make them happier then I ever could. And to take comfort in that, an odd feeling that makes you smile. Smiling with tears coming down my face. Haha, I guess this is what bittersweet means. But, I think it's cool.

If I thought about it, I never really did make that person smile. Perhaps, I should of realised this would of happened all so much sooner. I guess, when I always joked "People had the misfortune of having to know me." - half of it is true. Maybe this is why people leave me eventually. I always believed in the words of those who said, "We'll be friends forever." or that... "I won't leave you.". They did though. They left me. I just do too many things wrong all me life, eh? Cause no one wants to stick around long enough for me...

I sincerely wish one day that I could become someone who could make someone else happy too. So that I never have to have this feeling again. Because, I feel a bit messed up to be laughing and smiling, while crying so badly at the same time. It's so weird. I always had this complex about being 'second place'. Even now, I still haven't found myself in a position believing that I am... no longer anyone's second place. But one day, I can stop being the second place and be number one to someone right? Yeah, one day. If I live through each day. It'll get somewhere. It will. I know it will.

"You know it's love when all you want is that person to be happy, even if you're not part of their happiness."

As the time just goes by...

2009-05-18T23:31:00.002+10:00

Today turned out surprisingly alright. I sort of expected to go haywire today. Because, it is the 18th of May. It's been 3 months I guess... since a certain day I would of did anything for just to take away. Even now I still feel the same, because to everyone else it may have been 3 months... to me, I dunno... still felt like yesterday. But, if I forever hold on to thoughts like these while everyone else is moving on, I think I'll just be in for more pain. I see no point in staring at a door that had already closed, right?

Memories... I dunno what to do with these things. I wonder what memories are to other people. But I can never understand that unless I am these people themselves, right? I wonder why I can remember so many things I would do anything to get back, and other people can so easily throw them away as though it was all a lie to begin with. Perhaps I am just weak because I can't throw these away? I can't just walk away. I can't just forget. I wish I really could though. But then again I've always been liked this. Like I've said before, I clearly remember the times in the teenage years that I could not stand. The days when I was around 14 where I felt like I wasn't even alive for months. I could remember when I was 10... some memories there that would be better off forgotten. And these are just the bad times. There's too many good times for me to think about. But it doesn't matter where I am or in what situation I'm in. Give it a bit of time and it might all disappear. The good times... and perhaps the bad.

The actual day. I got up and did minimal work but I tried to study. At 12 PM-ish I left the house and was like "......... lol." cause Vince left his car in front of my house! I was like... "whut... o..kay....". I noticed an hour later he did text me asking me if he could but I obviously didn't read it. Off to uni. I was trying to make people sign Vu's graduation card but there isn't really much people from last year anymore. At 1 PM I went off to dantai practice, it was only Jono and Eloise but I got a bit farther so it's all good. Ranna came, and while we were waiting for a room, we ran into Raine who was going for some info talk. Tom and Jeremy then came by in the Menzies. Uhh... a convo we had while downstairs...

Ranna: Celine .... *stares* You have nothing.
Me: ..... bitch. T.T
[when Tom comes]
Me: TOM!!! Ranna said I have nothing!!
Tom: What do yo-
[Points at chest]
Tom: Oh! lol, but you really don't have anything!
Me: .... bitch. T.T

Boo. Continuing dantai practice, umm... Raine came by again after info talk just to sit around. Jono was trying to force her to join / learn. By locking the door ('cept the door had no lock). And she was gonna jump out the window if we did that, haha. Yay, after umm... lunch tables. Sat around and stuffs. *thinks* Well I know Damien was sitting around looking at his new shiny car (manuals). Kim and Cao were on the floor so we joined them. And eventually it became an UNO session with like over 20 people playing UNO (there isn't enough cards) until we saw Rachel walk in and I'm like "We can go to Maccas!" ... YAY! And everyone throws their cards away cause we wanted food. So off we went!

At Maccas, uhh... I wasn't hungry but Vince shouted me ice cream again. I am gonna get fat like this, lol. Andrew Kim bought a pounder burger. It was the most disgusting thing we've all seen. It's like... a four patty burger with so much oil oozing out anyone who takes that will have all their arteries clogged within the next hour. And he ate it all. Oh man... what else. Cao's happy meal, Jeremy like drew penises all over it (way mature, right?). During one time, Vince was in his jokes / puns mood and he attempted to make jokes / puns out of everyones names on the spot (he did it with mine, Rachel, Khanat and Jeremy). Well until we were like.. make it stop! Make it stop! *me and Rachel smacks head*

5:30 PM, umm... me and Vince decided to leave. He wanted to copy anime from me which I had at home so yeah ~ met my housemates and stuffs. We watched an episode of Happy Tree Friends to show Sha, but she screamed and ran off pretty fast. I managed to sit through it all but Xin was like closing my eyes and hugging me the entire time because it was disgusting, lol. Dinner was umm... Jia Chee cooking shark (o.o), Sha and Joanne cooking other stuffs and one of their friends came over too with Chinese mushrooms. It was a simple but pleasant dinner, hehe. Sadly, when we woke Xin up for dinner... she locked herself out of her own room. =.= Gah...

So to maximise time, me and Xin slept in my room at like 9 PM, intending to wake up at 10 PM so that she can get the door unlocked when the landlord comes and continue with her work. It's been a long time since I shared a single bed with someone, hehe. It sounds utterly retarded but I sort of like it / miss it. Well, no... it's hard to sleep and I can't move but like, I feel less alone I guess you could say. I mean, when I first moved into my current house. Me and Xin shared my room for 6 weeks. After that was... well, you could guess. So I hadn't really been alone in this house until this semester. Must be why I was freaking out so much in the beginning.

We woke up at 11 PM. Uhh... I sat around for a bit after that but went to sleep pretty early actually. Just couldn't take sitting up anymore. So much for doing work... I don't... wanna fail another unit. *sighs* Later into the night, yeah I guess it had to happen. I just went a bit teary and sniffed under my pillow. Yeah, it's okay really. The time will move on regardless of how I think or feel. Tomorrow will still come no matter how far I wish it away. The past cannot be changed no matter how much I regret what I've done. Nothing can be done. But hope that... at the end of the day, things will work out for everyone. At the end...

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin..... But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid.Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."

@Mag: Heh, but Manj is a huge Dan Brown fan I think, right? lol
@Xin: We can go to Pinewood for movies actually. Like our house and all. Since movies there are like $6.50? It's a small cinema but it's sort of nice to like watch the movie so close to the screen. Like when we have a projector, lol.

Angels & Demons

2009-05-17T11:55:00.001+10:00

This was supposed to be a day of study. But I am still struggling. I woke up and just read mostly. In the morning, Sha asked me whether I wanted to go watch Angels & Demons at night with Vu and co. So I was like... okay! Had lunch at 12:30 PM and near to 1 PM I went to uni to meet up with Lesley at the library. We sat around chatting and studying for around 2 hours (perhaps a bit less) before she had to go back to St. Albans. I went to pick out books and stuffs I need before heading back home. At home... I basically just sat around talking to people on MSN + the housemates. Before I left my room, I sort of promised to myself that I would not think of anything specific while at Chaddy. That I would enjoy my day and not think about whatever has been in my mind for countless times. I just want to live normally. But I don't know what is up with me and these past few days. I seem to be walking into a relapse again. I bit of soul searching might be needed here, eh?

At 6:40 PM Vu came by and we all laughed at his attempt to be cool with his hair. Sha was missing during this time. She was supposed to meet us at home, and normally Church finsihes at 6:30 PM for her. So we thought... oh, let's go and get her from Church instead! So off we went to Monash's Religious Centre. We got there and it was really quiet. Too quiet. There were no people around and we were confused. We went inside the Church but there were barely any people around. We continously phoned Sha the entire time and she never picked up her phone. So yeah... we were like... WTF-ing basically at the Religious Centre. Xin phoned Mei Xian at home to confirm that she wasn't actually at home. She then phoned Damian to confirm that she actually left the place. Apparently she was driven home. So we decided to go home again and then we finally got a call. Yay, Sha was at home, lol. Apparently she left her mobile in her room the entire time.

So off to Chaddy! Sha suggested eating Japanese food. So we were like... okay, go to Wagamama or Kintochi, as they are the ones near the cinema. Bernie-kun joined us for dinner, while Ly was joining us for the movies. Wagamama was too expensive so we went to Kintochi. Me, Xin and Joanne had udon, Vu and Bernie-kun had ramen and Sha had chicken curry don or something, lol. It was alright. The green tea tasted like seaweed water. Mine was rather plain but at least it wasn't so oily. Vu ordered like even more food after cause he eats too much, lol. Uhh... after that we went to the bubble tea place, I think everyone ordered fruity ice blendeds, Xin had her taro bubble tea and I had milo oreo ice blended, lol.

The actual movie! Xin read the book in high school. I never read Angels & Demons (I have Dan Brown's other three books though... I wasn't too fond of his writing). It was pretty interesting, and anything that leaves me on the edge of my seat is a job well done. Some scenes had us jumping up and down, yelling "Save him!!!" complete with prayers and stuff, lol. I think we are a pretty noisy bunch though. Oh, and I did not fall asleep through this movie! Which I am rather glad for, lol. After the movie, we rambled about what happened. Then we were gonna go for a midnight run to Maccas, but Chris wouldn't come. Nor would Bernie-chan. And Raine was half asleep already. So yeah... Vu was like, just go home. And we did. I went home, and went to sleep shortly after.

I blacked out pretty fast so there was no time for contemplation or whatever. I noticed that I had to surpress certain thoughts during my time at Chaddy. Putting effort into avoiding thinking of things is fine and all but I think this sort of action puts too much pressure on me (so I like to avoid doing that otherwise I'll just probably break again). But, at least... I had a good time. The most important part.

"Measure yourself by your best moments, not by your worst. We are too prone to judge ourselves by our moments of despondency and depression."

@Anonymous: Still think you're K-man, lol.
@Lesley: Heh, well I know that line quite well. I understand it but... sometimes I wish the new doors would open without having to close too many of the old ones. Unless they are changes ultimately for the better. Perhaps it might be. I guess only time will tell.

Shopping is theraputic...

2009-05-16T23:41:00.001+10:00

My morning was pretty much melancholy again. I felt a lot better. A lot better. I did snuggle under my blanket a lot though. And maybe a tear or two fell down my face, but it's okay. Nothing really for me to worry about. It was one of those situations where my mind literally really thought nothing in particular, just that the tears would still not stop falling on my face. Rather an annoyance. I feel safest under my blanket these days. But I know it's a childish action from someone attempting to run away.

11:30 AM meant shopping time! I was going to go shopping with Xin, Jia Chee and Sha. The 4 of us! My most lovely foursome. Before I left, I decided in my room that I would spend the day at the shopping centre, free of worry. I would not think of anything that would distress me. Or has been distressing me. I wouldn't sit around, dazed, thinking about memories I should of just buried a long time ago. And it was an awesome day because of that!

I wanted to buy boots! Not expensive ones, just something to wear. As I've been wearing slippers lately, and they are not suitable for the cold weather. And wearing my pair of Sketchers everyday gets boring after a while. So I went boots hunting! And could not find much under my budget. Umm... some things I learnt today! That I can fit children clothing! I should of done that ages ago, just cause children's clothing are so much cuter! Haha. Let's see, I bought boots, a really cheap turtleneck shirt, some cards for people and uhh... something else which I won't talk about in public, lol. Everyone in our group bought stuff for once, haha. I had the King William Chocolate thingy at Boost. It had... too much banana in it. And wasn't too good. Bleh. At the shop with the Shibuya stuff, I tried on a lolita dress. It was really cute. I really liked it but I obviously can't afford it ($160), lol. Bleh. It was way cute though. Sha tried on a corset thingy. And I dunno what Xin went to wear since I never saw it.

Lunch was Hungry Jacks. I needed fast food bad, lol. Haven't had any in ages. Uhh... outside Coles, we ran into Bernie-chan! It was a surprise. We talked for quite a bit, need to meet up with Bernie soon. With Xin and Raine. Too much for us to catch up on! She was going on about the latest gossip regarding people she knows. Her source of gossip? Chris of course. Our resident gossip masters, Chris and Tom, you can count on them to spread everything about everyone so everyone knows what's up with you and your relationships. *sighs* At ALDI, I also ran into Ieja and Zati~ hehe. It was a pleasant surprise. Umm... since our bus was hourly, we had to wait 40 minutes for our bus basically. We all bought lunch for the next three days (pasta / sandwiches) for like $2 (and it became $1 20 minutes later). It was awesome. Haha.

End of the day. Umm.. we got home with so much groceries and stuff my hands were breaking. I went to cook dinner for everyone. Spinach noodles, that turned out too spicy with cabana sausages, onions and mushrooms. It wasn't very good. Cas and Thomas were laughing at the "ice water" in the noodles, like the temperature matters in a list of ingrediants. Dessert was donuts and chocolate! And Xin + Thomas were fighting over who had the more populer packet of nuts in the house. Hahaha. We sat around for ages just talking about random things. Cause I didn't want to get up to study either. I guess the little dream had to end. And I had to come back to good ol' reality again, eh? I didn't get much work done. The night was spent on MSN. And I went to sleep pretty early just cause... I dunno, I didn't... want to stay awake anymore? I guess.

Either way, I'm glad we went shopping today. And I will dearly miss the awesome-ness of our foursome. I'll be crying badly when Jia Chee leaves. And when Sha leaves at the end of the year. Next year will just be me and Xin. *sighs* I know every year... is all about change. As 2009 has proven to me. Changes that I never would expect. I didn't expect 2008 to be so awesome, and I never expected myself to be this hurt in 2009. I dunno what 2010 will be like. I hope... that next year will be a year where everything starts to look up again. Even with the departure of two of my precious housemates. Although I would rather not wait until next year. I hope by next semester, I'll be in a state where when I go out to have fun, I am having fun. Unconditionally. Where I live life glad to see each day pass by. I remember last year, around this time in 2008. I was in a pretty happy state, but I was in a lonely state nonetheless. And I was in a state where sometimes I didn't want each day to come, or that I did not look forward to each day as I should. But still, I was a satisfied individual. As life was peaceful, and good. And it was fun with my housemates. The second half of 2008 took a turn and I really looked forward to everything that came every single little day. Sometimes things happened, but... I never really thought "Oh... I really don't want to wake up from this dream...".

Right now I've backtracked so badly it even outdoes the first half of 2008. I still love my housemates. But... there is just too much around me already. It isn't just me of course. Other friends are also being pulled down with their own problems. I do wonder was it worth it all? Is this like karma? For my own crimes and selfishness. To be too happy in one time meant that once it's gone you're beyond going back to step one. You're like in step minus 50. I can keep walking to get those steps back but... What will 2010 look like? It's scary...

"We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are."

So long as I could smile...

2009-05-15T23:05:00.010+10:00

Mmm. I don't really know what to say about today. Guess I'll blog a step at a time. I got up pretty late. Like 6 AM (okay, that line sounds hilarious but 6 AM IS LATE if you've been up at 3 AM everyday for the past 6 days). Class was 11 AM at Caulfield. I sooo hate the Caulfield classes. I swear I will never take another unit on another campus ever again. I just can't be bothered leaving an hour earlier because of the bus. Class was meh. Nothing really. My tutor seems to be really amused with my netbook (he has never used such a small laptop before).

Went to uni. Uhh... sat around with people. Jimmy, Tom, Rachel, Brad and the usuals. I had 'Shanghai Dumplings' for lunch from the meeting point. It was terrible. And the vinegar I poured on freaked everyone around me cause of the smell (I recall Rachel's friends, Thomas Hoang and other random people wonder what in the world I was eating). My hands smelt like vinegar for ages. Dragged off with Kimmy and Alan to the K dance group. Uhh... we just messed around half the time. Lee and Alan are singlehanded the most two evil individuals ever. Harmless by themselves, but once their together... they keep tag-teaming to bully me as much as possible. Lee keeps playing dumb and acting like he can't stand being near Alan, at the same time while collaborating with the guy to steal my mobile, my mp3 player, tickle attack from both sides, lol.

Hmm. At 4 PM we went back to lunch table. Uhh... we just waited around for Amanda T. to come. Me and Alan did our thing to big Papa Sam, where we like tap him on both sides of his shoulder and start crying. It was funny, he tried to smack us. LOL. Then at 5 PM we set off for Korean BBQ! Umm... as the buses were at peak period, everyone going together was out of the question. So we had Team Sam, Team Leon and Team Amanda T. I was gonna volunteer to lead a team but then Sam gave the job to Leon! So I'm not good enough anymore, eh? T.T Team Leon took the 8-something bus to Huntingdale, Team Sam took 900 and Team Amanda took 630. I was in Sam's team but the 900 was so packed that before me and Phe could get on we were denied entry. So I was like... I got kicked off the bus. Is it cause I'm too heavy??? So I joined Amanda's group on the 630. Boo the bastards who laughed at my heavyness that I got thrown off a bus, lol.

At Huntindgale... 4 members of Leon's group including Leon himself was there. Apparently they got left behind cause two people didn't have any metcards for the train so like... they couldn't make it for the train. And the other two stayed with em'. So we all rode the train together. And everyone regrouped at Flinders! Then off to the Korean BBQ place. Umm... we had more ppl then anticipated so we had to get an extra table. I was gonna sit with Rachel, Lucy, Kim, Vince, Jeremy and everyone at first but then we got kicked off and seperated. But I got to sit with Emma, Rachel, Amanda, Rowan and Jono so it's all good. <3 I was happy that Rachel stuck with me, I dunno whether it just turned out that way or that she remembered a certain plea I made to her the night before, and stayed by my side to keep me afloat. Whatever it is, I appreciated it.

I did not eat very much. I actually felt pretty sick. But the meat was good. The people around me ordered more food but since I decided not to eat any, I just paid $9 for the meal. Some jokes that happened... uhh... Jeremy insisted that I took 15 shots and was piss drunk or something (whuut...?). I had like 5 people ask me how much I drank, what the... I don't drink, lol. I drank like 5 glasses of water is all I did. It was funny when one table broke down and Andrew Kim was like "Look! The only table that isn't working has Leon on it!" [everyone bursts out laughing]. Classic. So yeah, a lot of funny stuff basically. After that umm... when we left the venue. Amanda T. and others left for Max Brenner (which I wasn't aware of... no one told me about this T.T).

But yeah, our group went towards Harajuku Cafe. While waiting for people to get Ichipan, James Borg was harrasing random passerbys (asking random chicks for their numbers, throwing pickup lines and serenading strangers). OMG, half of us were like... yep, we dunno these people. Me and Sam escaped to BORDERS momentarily as Sam bought his weekly dose of manga, lol. Then we went back and found the others at Maccas. Uhh... I didn't do much. Since I was a bit out of it, unfortunately... I was not social enough. And yeah, I could not keep up with everyone, was out of the circle and stuffs. I just chatted to Vince at the side for an hour. Xin and Jono wanted to go to Max Brenner together but there was too many people so they came back and the three of us just went home.

Turns out Tim, Jenni and forgot who was the third person, lol... was on our train. We all went back together. I fell asleep on the train, haha. Umm.. at the bus, Vince like pointed out Akmal to me. I got off the bus and took three steps and was like... hmm.. this person.. oh, it's Winston! LOL. Tsan and Akmal and others were shopping or something. Yay, we walked back home and yeah... the day was nearing over.

The night was a bit odd. I was just MSN-ing a bit. Contemplating a bit. I went to snuggle under my blanket for a bit. And the tears... just wouldn't stop falling. But it's fine right? Cause I kept my smile up for the entire day. It's fine, right? For me to be like this at night. In my room. By myself. I'm not bothering anyone. The lonely nights spent under my cold blanket. Where no warmth is found. At least let that be where I can express what I really feel. That it all... just really hurts. But I know I can't give up, and I know I won't give up. I'll continue keeping up a smile and a laugh during the day. Because it is fun. And I need to do it for everyone else too. Because my own friends themselves all often seem to be in a lot of pain. So... I'll try my best for them too. And help them out when I can. And it may sound silly to cry every night from all the stress of keeping things up but, I think I can live like this... so, it's fine. Right? It's fine...

"I always knew looking back on my tears would bring me laughter, but I never knew looking back on my laughter would make me cry."

@Mag: FOB is fresh off boat. Meaning immigrants (assuming they used to come by boat). Yes, they were sick cartoons! D:
@Anonymous: I will assume you are K-man. Because you talk like him. I shall hit you for calling me a granny too, ya old fart~ :P
@Xin: Nah, don't worry about it. By nature, I am emotional. But I am also extremely logical if you give me the time. You just tell what you always feel like saying, let me freak out if I need to freak out and give me a few hours to contemplate and wonder what the heck I was freaking out about to begin with, lol. It happens all the time. Sadly, emotions are what ruins everything sometimes...

Because I don't want to be weak...

2009-05-14T21:05:00.005+10:00

Gah. I guess today would be considered one of those not so good days? I was fine until the evening where I had a 'trigger' which meant... full blown breakdown today (and once again I wasted another 3 hours of Yi Xin's time while she attempted to calm me down and it ends with us discussing various things on life - which is always fascinating).

I got up at 4 AM as I managed to turn off my alarm again without waking up. Spent the entire time working on notes for my two hour tutorial at 9 AM. Went to class and all. Uhh... I did not talk very much. My work was all for waste. Bah. I know I fail. I sort of came to a realisation today that I really am rather deficient in semi-formal improvised speech. I can do it rather easily with a keyboard, but I can't process things into spoken words. Makes me a poor teacher and a poor public speaker. I need to work on that. I need to be able to just whing it. But... I panic when I know I need to make an introduction to a presentation or something. I can read off paper fine though but anyone can do that...

I found it amusing that one time, the teacher like made everyone write derogatory terms onto postit notes then stuck one on our heads. I got "Inbred" on mine. Meaning incest. Someone wrote FOB and a lot of people didn't know what a FOB was. I LOL-ed at this. I mean, I've been called FOB since my first year in Australia! It's hilarious when they were talking about it. Saying how it is so commonly used does it really matter? I would say it doens't, but I would say that it does matter to international students like myself who just came to this country. So stop throwing it around sometimes. I honestly don't care now but I know some do. I mean, it's usual for any country to have their countrymen dislike the idea behind immigrants / foreigners. My mum dislikes them too in Brunei (claims the increased crime rate in Brunei over the past 15 years was due to immigrants - since these days Brunei has like murders and stuff, in the past that was unheard of apparently... but ironically, the murders I'm pretty sure were done by actual Bruneians so I don't see how this theory adds up...).

Lecture was meh. Then short 20 minute group meeting for EDF3009. Then I went home for 20 minutes to each lunch (I left lunch at home so like... I decided to just go back. Don't feel like spending monies). Tutorial at 1 PM. It was just more discussion. I tend to talk in that class as it is in small groups.

Umm... lunch table time. Let's see, me and Vince was tortured to death as we sat through 31 minutes of SOME RETARDED STICK MAN FLASH VIDEO. 31 effin' minutes of watching stick men kill each other in vaguely the same way for no apparent reason. Every millisecond could I feel a braincell burning away. We were forced by Andrew Kim and Kai Lun. *le sighs* Vince watched it just so he could get help from Kai Lun on the IT assignment all the MHS IT guys are doing. I don't know why I sat through it. To prove that I can (while Rachel had run away!!!) I just sat around talking and stuffs today. Watched a bit of eppy one of Shugo Chara! with Rachel and Kimmy~

The memorable thing? OMG. Vince forced me, Tom and Yi Xin to watch HAPPY TREE FRIENDS. I've never seen it before! IT IS HORRIFIC! HORRRRRIFIC. I was screaming and screaming my head off in the campus centre. Like literally! And people like Tom and I think it was Leon or someone each grabbed me once to shove me in front of the screen. Tom and Vince are sadistic! They were both laughing their heads off. And Khanat was going all "OMG!!! OMG!!!" The Moose guy had one leg stuck under a tree! He used a SPOON to cut off his leg all night. Only to realise it was the WRONG LEG he stabbed to nothingness! Gahhh. And the other video where the animals died one by one and was all skewered in the end. OMG. I went home with Yi Xin in a hurry cause I didn't want to watch anymore!! GAHHHHHH. @.@

And now the emo part of the post. So, I found out a couple of things this evening. About... well, what the group of us will be doing tomorrow. Now, I actually thought I was told this at the wrong time cause I was fuming on the way home. Because a CERTAIN SOMEONE who I won't name had the nerve to tease me about things in uni, publically, about things that HAVE BEEN HURTING ME. BADLY. I don't know what is funny at all. I would like to see people laughing when it happens to them. Cause it isn't funny. And I'm not laughing. Oh yeah, this is all just one big joke! Oh what fun. The intelligence of some individuals are absolutely apalling. I know I'm not exactly the smartest chip on the block (as can be easily concluded) but I'm at least very aware and sensitive to the feelings of others (aka empathy). To a decent extent. And to offensively ridicule someone over what they have been through, and is still attempting to recover from. Ridiculous. Believe me. If things were funny, I would be laughing. You don't see me laughing at everyone else who is trying their best, do you?

So let's ignore and forget that. Then I was told the interesting news. My most initial reaction was... run away. We walked home in silence, then near the door I had my usual breakdown. Crying outside the house for a while before asking if I could continue crying inside instead, lol. And yeah it sort of went on for ages. I mean we were talking about stuffs quite often too. I don't really know what to think if you ask me. Actually, I don't even know why I cried. Cause there isn't anything to cry about. I think it was just built up stress (cause I haven't cried for a week or two, well last week doesn't count cause I cried for a different reason - my failing a unit) so I guess it is built up stress. I thought about it more logically and it really made no sense what I was upset about? I think I was just pissed off already cause of what happened earlier, then to be told even more stuff was icing on the cake.

Out of stuffs I said I think I was crying out of tiredness. Cause I was mumbling how being like this isn't how I want to be. Don't wanna waste anymore time. It's tiring anyway. Just wanna sit around and laugh. Without reserve. I think that is the keyword here. One can easily smile and laugh. Without reserve... without something dragging them behind. That's the hard part. But then, if you asked me... I can look into a lot of people's eyes and I can easily see. There is something behind their smiles that look even more fake then me... but meh, life is life. Obviously everyone has something dragging them down. I can go through my memory and quite frankly I would like to forget half the stuff that happened to me in the past 15 years too. LOL. But meh, standard drama of life. It's why I always said anyway. I'm just naturally weak. Cause everyone else has something worse and look at them. They're awesome. But then again I also know that you should never compare yourself to anyone else. If we fought over who had a more difficult life it would be absolutely stupid. And I can't stand it when I hear people mumbling about how their life is so much more difficult then mine. Wow, good for you.

So meh... it took me a while but I decided I won't run. I was gonna run. And not go to Korean BBQ (no one will be at home tomorrow though, so it will be rather depressing). Then I was like... oh. I recall telling several people today I'm gonna come tomorrow. Wait... how do I run away now? O.o It makes me happy to know that... there are gonna be a few people around who will actually notice I'm missing! But that's also like, oh crap. I can't run. Gah. Was told by like... say two people. To not run. Just face it. To stop running. I think some people take the just run and ignore tactic for an extended period of time. I thought it would work well enough. But I dunno, I'm looking around and I don't see some people recovering at all. It's not a recovery if you can't stay normal once you run into that person you're trying to avoid. Even after 5 months or 6 months. I know I don't wanna be like that after 6 months. =.=

I remember someone telling me that two people actively ignoring each other in a group of supposed friends is one of the most childish things ever. I got called childish by someone younger then me. It's rather funny. Probably true. But funny. I recalled a conversation I had with a certain individual. From months ago. That if two people are fighting, it takes that one person to drop their pride and take that first step down for them to have the chance to get along again. Or something like that. I just find there's a lot of irony happening there. Heh. So much irony.

Well, that's enough. Now let's hope I stick with what I decided upon! Will have fun, tomorrow will be fun. There's like 30 of us so it should be cool. Hehe. Yeah, it was 7 PM by the time I left Xin's room. Oh yeah, I was cooking dinner today! Gahh. I made minced chicken and spinach pasta bake! Xin cooked Jia Chee's cheese mushroom thing and Jia Chee took leftover pasta I had and added chilli to it, lol. It was alright-ish. Then we sat around after dinner bullying Thomas. Uhh... we were trying to teach him Chinese. In different dialects. His pronounciation for someone who has never spoken Chinese is really good. A lot better then those people in Chinese 1, lol. Then the funniest part was explaining to him how "Manglish" works. So like, "can ah?" is a question while "can lah" is a statement... "can kua" is a yeah it's possible sort of thing. It isn't as funny typed up since words have punctuation. Speaking the difference between can ah, can lah and can kua was really funny. I didn't do much else at night. Slept early again, haha. Won't wake up at 3 AM for once! As I have no work for tomorrow for once.

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

@Anonymous: I know that, haha. So who are you again? :P I thought you were K-man but he was like... no, lol.
@Les: I hated injections in high school. I got stabbed in the wrong places too. Gah. But I think there are still 3 boosters. I dunno about it now though, as for the injections the rules change a bit when someone over 18 takes it. I think. I know they are still supposed to though. I think it's only when you're over 26 that it doens't take much affect anymore.
@Yi Xin: LONG LOST FRIENDS! But...but... it's so much fun to have long lost friends! Hehe. Injection... kowaiii!!! And yeah, it's like hair salons to me. I will run away if I'm on my own.
@Mag: Haha. Orlando was... certainly very interesting. Good luck with your work too! Haven't spoken to you all week. But your FB is telling me that you're busy with works and stuff. And it is weird how it's summer for you and winter for me. But like, I bet England's summers can't even be that hot, right? o.o Although the world's weather is getting messed up lately.

It's cold.... it's cold....

2009-05-13T20:47:00.003+10:00

IT'S COLD! COLD I TELL YOU! *sobs* Okay, today. Uhh... I was relatively in good spirits in the morning. So, that was good. That's always good. Especially when it is the morning. I normally struggle the most during the morning so when I can wake up in good spirits it's such a huge step for me. Went for Caulfield classes at 9 AM. Watched Orlando in film class. What a WTF movie. The basis of Orlando is that in the 1600's you have this man, Orlando... and he doesn't age. And has relationships with people and stuff (women). Then in 1750 he becomes a woman. Then starts having sex with men! And it sort of ends there after an hour and a half movie. I was like.... okay. Uhh... no... I didn't stay for the lecture after, lol.

Back to uni early. Umm... I sat around with Tom, James and them for a bit. As usual, they bully me, lol. I ate lunch (suprisingly) in MUISS today. With Serene and Raine. Me and Raine were heading somewhere (secret) and we ran into Kriz and Phe-chan. Phe-chan went off to lunch tables while Kriz accompanied me and Raine to our secret destination (for a number of reasons I cannot disclose where we went, lol). After that... umm... off to screenings! Phe was mean as usual and was like... "You can't leave for screenings until the clock says 1:00 PM". No way am I doing that! He keeps doing that as he is making fun of my remaining "President"-ness. My need to go early somewhere to setup / prepare.

Screenings was EPIC! Okay, first episode was Rideback. Some mecha... motorbike... ballet thingy. WTF factor. Next screening was Tower of Druaga! EPIC! The first episode was a parody / joke episode. The guy's dream. Parodying traditional RPG themes. Oh man, we were laughing our heads off in my little group at the front (we're a pretty noisy group, lol. We always kept laughing even when no one else laughs cause we have people in our group making random commentaries on even serious stuffs~). Group meaning like me, Rachel, Kimmy, Alan, Lee, Andrew Kim, Lawrence, Lucy, Stanny, Vince, Jeremy and etc. I was like yelling out "OMG!! THIS IS EPIC!!!" a few times. Heh. I am loving screenings now that I actually get to watch anime. And sit with Rachel, Kim and the group. It's lots of fun!

Funny part of screening. Uhh.. second anime the sound went funny midway. The volume thingy kept popping up and blocking screen. So we had a delay. During the delay...

Everyone: It's all Leon's fault!!!
[Leon goes to front of room to try to fix with Sam]
Jeremy: Leon, get a haircut!

ROFL!!! Best most epic line ever!!! (Unless ppl dunno, Leon has recently chopped off all his hair and doesn't even look like himself anymore). And we've been giving him hell about it.

After that. Uhh... dance practice with Kimmy, Lee and Alan. I'm falling behind a bit. Cause I don't practice as much and I'm not as talented as Kimmy / Lee in dance (and Alan who practices a lot, I know). Well that and I have the dantai too... After Lee and Alan left Yi Xin came and practiced a bit! Then we went to lunch table. Not much there. Sat and chatted with Mel, Yi Xin and Jess. Apparently maybe Yi Xin and Mel are LONG LOST FRIENDS? As their dads worked in the same company in Malaysia 10 years ago! Then we went home. The IT group was like doing their assignment for Friday so that might be why lunch was rather dull. Vince left his car at my house but I guess they were working hard so I didn't bother waiting for him, lol.

Yay, went home and just chatted with the lovely housemates for hours. About girly topics and girly health (cerival cancer injection! Yay, we're all gonna get it!!! ... oh crap. @.@ I have fear of needles...). Then I was trying to make lunch for tomorrow but oh noes! Gas stove wasn't working. Okay. A bit later. Why doesn't the sink ever have hot water? What the... oh there is no hot water in the house! The central heater doens't ever turn on. Oh crap. We're cold. We're cold. There's no gas in the house. T.T Did they forget to pay the bill?

As Joanne couldn't cook dinner as she wanted, we had oven food! Oven-ed fish, potato gems, garlic bread and vegetables! Dessert was choco mantou, cookies and donuts. Xin was telling everyone the mantou joke. Oh, it's lame. Beyond lame. And hilarious! Night was MSN, working on work (more then I imagine for tomorrow) and be being sleepy in general (the 3 AM wake ups are starting to take its toll). Gotta try my best. Musn't fail, mustn' fail!

"Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best."

Many emotions in the ocean...

2009-05-12T20:52:00.003+10:00

A bit of a mixed day. Started out bad as usual. I continued my waking up at 3:30 AM-ism, but I think I may stop that soon. My sleeping time is getting increasingly earlier. It's now 9 PM and I'm really tired. I fell asleep at like 10 PM yesterday, lol. I should be sleeping at 12 AM or later, not 10 PM. I think I should go back to my 12 - 5 sleeping hours. Uhh... yeah, the morning. I felt really ill. Really lost. And yeah, a repeat of my post from yesterday which I won't bother rambling about again. I need to iron out these emotions. There is no point in having them. Because having them won't do me any good. Nor will they mean anything. They are just wasted emotions... wasted on the wrong person, on the wrong situation, the wrong time and wasting life. I still think I'm being incredibly stupid. But damn, KNOWING something and feeling it is two different things. I know I should say "Who the fuck cares anymore!" and that makes perfect sense to my mind. But mind and body is two different things, eh? I can say "I don't fucking care..." and mean it but still be able to feel my legs shaking when I'm just standing at the road waiting for the lights to let me pass. A greater conviction calls for greater reinforcement.

I finished writing my presentation notes nearer to 8 PM, then had lunch at 11 hobbling off to uni by 12 PM! I was in the computer labs trying to print my lecture notes but like... the printer was broken or something in the campus centre. And I couldn't be bothered going to another building. So meh, forget it. I went to the student services centre to update my OSHC healthcare as it expires tomorrow. Then lunch table. Which was empty. Everyone... went to Springvale apparently. To eat food. And left me behind. Apparently they left 10 minutes before I got there. Boo!

There wasn't much to do so I just went to my lecture on disability and giftedness. It wasn't as informative as I imagined. I like the guest lecturer's activity though. He read out instructions with words not intelligble by us, stating that language disability may deter from a students learning in this manner. We had to draw according to his 'instructions' but only 1 person in the room got their picture to be vaguely what it should be. Since he wasn't really reading much in English, just gibberish. After this, went to lunch table. Still no one there. Bah. Just talked to Tom a bit and James Lau. Uhh... then went to dantai practice with Phe-chan, Eloise, Jono and crew. It was just a normal session. Oh, something funny was that umm... I messaged Rachel when she was coming back from Springvale. Then like, the predictive text on my mobile changed Springvale to Sprinkles, I sent it unknowingly. I thought Rachel was just a weirdo when she replied with "Lol sprinkles!!!". Everyone was laughing, haha.

I was all nervous during dantai practice about my presentation. Vince was trying to get me to read it out but we all know that isn't happening, lol. I left near to 4 PM and I hoped to go first. In the end I went last. But! It went well. I just read everything out. And by the time it was my turn everyone in class was sort of tired to talk so I didn't generate as much discussion. But some people thought I brought up interesting points that can really be looked into with more research! So I was happy. Because I have no been praised in the academic sense for very long. I'm normally the stupid lil' Celine ya know. Who is failing one unit. Barely getting 50% for the other three. Just not something I'm used to cause like... I used to get HD's... and I always did fairly well in high school (I mean people used to treat me like the 'smart' person, I wasn't really... was only ever good with computers and Business Studies). But yeah... if I try hard... I can do it right? I can do it... right? I can... do it. I just need to try. I need to try to get a D or higher on my 2 60% and 2 50% papers due in the next 5 weeks. That's like over 10000 words to write. I'll start on it this week! I need to do this... for all the time I've made up. I sort of refuse to fail so badly considering how much it costs me to stay here.

And I don't think I can do summer because there are no units offered useful to me. So yeah... staying here for an extra half a year isn't happening. I can't afford it. Musn't fail... musn't fail...

Went back to lunch table after class. No one is around suprisingly. I saw William at the library and he was asking me where everyone was. I dunno, lol. Apparently everyone dispersed after a fire alarm. At home... I baked more cookies. Cause I needed cookies to eat. I bought mousse today which I shouldn't of. But I wanted a chocolate dessert. Dinner was Bah Kuh Teh! Yi Xin cooked Bah Kuh Teh! Hehehe. It was good. And veggies. Yum yum yum. After dinner I did not do much. The net was just crap. MSN-ed a bit. MSN-ed on my mobile a bit. Then I just fell asleep after that near to 10:30 PM I thinks. It was a day of mixed emotions. But generally a positive day. I need to just try and think positive. Hehe. Everything will work out in the end! So long as I try.

"Blessed is he who has learned to admire but not envy, to follow but not imitate, to praise but not flatter, and to lead but not manipulate."

If only time ceased to exist...

2009-05-11T20:11:00.002+10:00

I don't know why. Everyone always said time would heal everything. That everything would have been forgotten with time. It's true, everyone else has forgotten. Everything else is a thing of the past. Over and done with. So... why is it that I'm still standing here, feeling as though everything was just yesterday? Am hating myself for being so stupid at times. I wonder when my time would start moving again?

I got up at 3:30 AM again. I spent a good half hour talking to Xin about things on MSN (who has stayed up really late). On our upcoming holiday and stuffs. Near 6 AM, I took a short 40 minute nap. I didn't really fall asleep. I was not planning to nap but I got really emo again near to 6 AM, and I could no longer beat to sit upright. The heart just really hurt. Like, there were no tears. I didn't even feel all that sad. I really didn't. I just needed to hide under my blanket and pillow though. I noticed yesterday when I walked home from uni how while standing at the traffic light my legs were literally shaking. Because I was wondering why the floor was moving, then I realised it's just me. Not the floor. And I wondered why my legs were shaking so much. It wasn't even cold. I did the bad thing in the morning of just reminscing. The more I do that the more things just hurt. And the more aware it makes me of the current reality. The current reality is great right now, I am proudly walking through it. Just that I'm walking through it with something still chained to me... dragging me down, and while I can keep going, it is taking longer then it should, it is hurting me as I get further down the path, as I spend more time with this chain. But I know I can't give up, cause if I do I won't be able to get anywhere.

I spent the morning on my presentation for tomorrow then went to uni near 12 PM. No dance practice as Jono didn't come. Spent my entire afternoon with Rachel, Vince, Stan and a few others depending on the time. Joking about stuffs, talking crap, talking about anime and whatever else. Nearer to 4 PM a lady came by to our lunch table, telling us that there was free food in the banquet hall. Khanat yelled out FREE FOOD! and just ran for it. With a lot of people following after him like as though their lives depended on it. I was like... oh, this is how poor the anime club people are. Everyone went and nom nom nom, gobbled all the foods down. There were muffins, quiche, sandwiches, spring rolls and stuffs.

After that we went to maccas shortly after. I brought bubble tea earlier in the morning so I was out of monies but I got treated to oreo McFlurry so yay~ hehe. I came home and yay, DINNER!. Jia Chee cooked fried chicken rice today, with help from Sha and Sha's yummy vegetables. I slept pretty early, past 10 PM. I don't really feel like blogging it anymore, I felt too sick to sit upright and do my work. It just hurt too much. It's a dumb feeling on my part, to still think stuff like "Oh... if that one hour just disappeared... everything would have been so different" and all that. Or for me to remember how emo I was during the summer holidays because I missed someone that badly. So badly it was killing me. And to never see that person again even when I did return to Aus. To miss so many things the only thing I could do was hide under my blanket. As there is no where else for me to go. Asking myself... "Why didn't time stop when I wanted it to?". It has been months already, if I think about it - if I include the summer holidays - nearing 6 months. Since I left Aus in November. And I told my friend, yeah... to everyone it has been months. To everyone it is something long forgotten, a thing of the past. To me everything felt like yesterday because time hasn't actually affected me much at all. Gah, so much for letting go and moving on. Well, it's my own weakness. Gotta figure it out somehow myself, eh? Dunno... right now I guess I should just focus on handing in all those 50% - 60% I have (I have 4 of them in the next 4 weeks). I already failed one unit, I need to pass the other three at least or I'm really beyond dead.

I am getting annoyed at my concentration though. I can't seem to concentrate long enough to get any useful work done. Mind just wanders too much. *sighs* Or I just feel ill. Bah. *goes to get her presentation finish* Should of did this like 2 days ago...

"To the world you may be just somebody, but to somebody you may just be the world."

A long day...

2009-05-10T18:44:00.002+10:00

Today was a long and odd day. I basically went to sleep at like 11:30 AM last night, waking up at 3:30 AM. Spent the off peak hours looking up a lot of random things for my two upcoming presentations. I like waking up so early in the night. It made my day FEEL SOOO incredibly long! I mean by 9 AM I've been awake for ages but it's only 9 AM in the morning! LOL. I did take two one hour naps though (once at 6 AM and another at 9 AM) to make up for it all. Hmm, had lunch early by myself at 12 PM then I went to the library at 1 PM.

Spent a couple of hours in the library just procrastinating. I didn't get much done. Then I went home, and napped again since I was tired. By 5 PM. I got up at 6 PM, continued reading more of "Emma" then had yummy fried rice dinner by Jia Chee! Dessert was ice cream, shortbread cookies and almond bread crackers, lol. I know, my house eats too luxurious food. A bit stressed environment in the house today due to the number of things due in the next week (or Monday I should say). Good luck to everyone...

The night was spent on the phone with Mama (Happy Mother's Day Mama! Hehe), some bit more reading then an early night at 11 PM-ish as I will be waking up early at 3 again if I can.

Had a few pangs of sadness throughout the day. Hmm. I should be over this stage right now. Dunno why the sudden relapse. Well, not really relapse. I'll kick myself if I allow myself to relapse again. But yeah, the sudden sadness is rather irritating. I think it's cause I'm studying and studying always brings me the thoughts I avoid thinking (normally when I do something fun I'm distracted - studying doesn't actually distract me). But meh, it's something I'll get used to. I always said anyway, the first thing I'll get one is indepedance. Once I do that I'll decide how I want to move on from there. The path is long but I'll get by somewhere eventually.

"Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant with the weak and the wrong. Sometime in your life you will have been all of these."

@Anonymous: I can't figure out who this is. But whoever it is, thanks. And yeah, haha I knows everyone will be there for me. Just as I will be there for everyone, lol. Meh, life is always about the ups and downs anyway. If I think about it, I've been in the shits so many times in me life already I'm surprised things even affect me till this day.

House BBQ

2009-05-09T19:11:00.003+10:00

Saturday! I woke up at 5 AM to study but it didn't work again. As everyday. At 10 AM me and Jia Chee went shopping for groceries. Uhh... I made a mistake and didn't tell Yi Xin we were going at that time cause I sort of assumed everyone would guess it would be at that time. Remind me to never make assumptions again. Clayton shopping involved me buying baking stuff only (flour, sugar, milk, cocoa powder, butter and etc.) I guess I am baking too much lately. I need to cut down. And use the time to study or something.

When we got back at 12 PM, Tony, Paul and Tony's gf was there setting up the BBQ (it was our house's annual BBQ). They had potato salad and other salads or something. It was a simple and pleasant BBQ in our backyard. It's quite nice to have it at your home, I mean... we can get to the toilet or go to our rooms in less then a minute. It took for a while for them to setup the BBQ place and stuffs, in the mean time we were upstairs munching on Sha's donuts and just spying on them from below (like stalkers). Eventually things got cooking and we hung about outside, although it was rather chilly.

So food including sausages, chicken drumlets, lamb chops (cause of Joanne, we wanted lamb, lol), mixed Italian salad and potato salad. Our entire house was there minus Shakarin, Tony, Paul, their sister, another guy I didn't know, and his niece and nephew. From outsiders, Xin invited Jono of course and we also had Jie and Christina over.

Our net got capped, Thomas was like... gahhh, cause he needs to do research. And the library being open for only 4 hours on a Sunday doesn't help. Me and Joanne will be camping out there tomorrow also to get our research done. Let's see, while people were still eating I wanted more cookie to eat for the BBQ, since the chocolate ones I made were almost gone. So I made shortbread biscuits! And chocolate icing to dip it in. It was nice, buttery and awesome! Everyone gobbled it up. Joanne, Mei Xian, Jia Chee and Sha put a ton of effort into making cute cookie shapes with the dough. Although, the recipe isn't value for money. Used half a kg of my flour that I bought today (T.T) and made so little biscuits (well little for me, it won't last more then one or two days). So meh...

Evening was spent me trying to read. Taking a short nap. And just bumming around. I was a bit down again but it's the usual when I'm alone and not realy napping, just lying in my room staring at the ceiling. Keep in mind I used to do this for an extended period of time, so I do think that it is a recovery for me to spend less time doing this. And more time studying or doing something else. I'm sure in the next few months to come I'll stop with the contemplation, and general emo-ness. Just gotta always remind myself that life never goes how you want it to go. The 20 years of my life (all that I went through in high school and childhood) is an example of this. Despite that I lived a wonderfully comfortable life, and since I have the chance in front of me, I should use all I have to enjoy time as it goes by. Making myself miserable when I shouldn't be is rather silly of me. I'm already regretting the past 3 months I've lost. The past 3 months went by so fast, it wasn't fast but it felt fast. It felt like only yesterday I came back to Australia. I wish it didn't. Cause those are memories I never wanna relive again. My greatest regret is my lack of studies and the reflection of my grades. I mean to BARELY (and I do mean having 51% barely) pass 3 of my units, and to fail the core one so badly that I don't know what I'll do from now onwards. I must work hard in the next few weeks. And start over again in semester 2. I guess it proves that LITERALLY doing no work won't get you through uni. Bah, my damn weakness. Thinking about how stupid I am / was just pisses me off already, lol.

I need to be able to reach a point where I can say: "My 2009 starts only now." Because so far my 2009 has been wrought with negative emotions. With too much tears. There's a lot of people around me, people I've met this year, people I've met last year, people I met the year before that, my college friends, my friend from 12 years ago. Need to focus. Another great regret I have so far this year is what I've done to Jia Chee. Her last semester in Australia involved her having to witness me throw a dozen panic attacks, yelling, screaming and sometimes just rambling hysterically. So pathetic really... am trying my best right now to make up for it. And to put a good face to everyone when I see them.

Okay, that's my daily dose of recollection and a focus of my emotions. I realise I repeat things often in my blog. It's cause I need to write it all out before I can go and do some more useful task. Since the stress and emotions do slowly build up everyday. At night Jia Chee made us a simple dinner of garlic bread with cheese and mushroom soup. Plus wedges + Mei Xian's awesome cheese dip. It was really good. We ate some shortbread cookies and Xin's frozen grapes for dessert (I had leftover chocolate dip from the cookies so we were dipping grapes + strawberries in the choco). I've eaten WAYYY too much today. I need to stop eating or I'm gonna put on even more weight than I already had (I rather enjoyed the weight I was a few months ago, I'll probably never reach that weight again, lol. But meh, it was a weight I had from literally eating nothing but maybe less then one meal a day so I guess that's out of the question - right now I'm back to normal... eating more then everyone else).

At night, I just read my novel for ENH3810 until I fell asleep. Jane Austen's 'Emma'. We studied it weeks and weeks ago, but due to my 'condition' I didn't read it and now I am lacking a text to write an essay on so I'm trying to catch up.

"May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy."

@Mag: I know... it's kinda creepy. But if you read it in the papers you'll know already when you get the call. Make sure your parents are aware, since they're calling random households in Brunei.

Failing, tears and the lot...

2009-05-08T18:05:00.007+10:00

A seemingly pleasant day went slamming down to the deepest parts of the abyss in front of me. I woke up at 6 AM as per usual. I attempted to study until class at uhh... 11 AM in Caulfield. The class ended a few minutes late and I missed my bus back to Clayton by 20 seconds. Gah. Uni... umm... I watched the first episode of Kurokami with Rachel and Steve while eating cup Ramen, lol. It's pretty good. It's about umm... the fact that there are 3 people in the world who look like you. If two of these people meet, the strongest one lives while the other two die. So like, the episode had this little girl die at the end. I LOL-ed so badly when it happened (she got run over by a truck), like I dunno why I LOL-ed. Steve and Rachel though I was sadistic and psycho. I can't help it. This happened back in high school too.

Yay, then dance practice with Kimmy's group. At 3 PM I went over to the Education building to see my essay results for EDF3006. This is a 50% assignment. It is worth half my grades. I got 32%... yes, 32% out of a 100%. That means 16% out of the overall grade. I failed that badly. I FAILED THAT BADLY.

I immediately fell over and lightly sprained my ankle while hobbling back in shock to the Menzies where everyone else was. Bad luck there. I tried to be normal but then my mum phoned! Apparently there is a fraud case going on around in Brunei / Malaysia where these overseas people like, phone your home and tell you that they have kidnapped your child studying in Australia, demanding large amounts of money for their return. Some people have lost over $50'000 or something. They phoned Papa and apparently he yelled at them or something. Mum phoned me immediately after to make sure I wasn't really kidnapped.

I then told mum about my... failure. And the tears started coming and they didn't stop. See, normally I wouldn't cry in FRONT OF EVERYONE (well Xin, Kimmy, Alan, Lee, Sebby, Jason, Vince and Steve... gahh). But they couldn't stop. Fear of failure is too much. Cause it's a core unit, if I fail this I dunno if I can get to second sem, and I dunno how much I am gonna fall behind. I really can't stay an extra year here (although I can take summer courses if its needed). Bleh. Vince brought me chocolate as a gift to cheer me up, lol. Yay~ chocolate! So yeah, I didn't practice Sorry Sorry at all... gomen, Sebby-chan.

Back to lunch table. I felt like crap. Like shit. Unfortunately, when one bad thing happens it's when all the other things haunting you (that you've been trying your utmost best to hold back) come flooding back in. So I kept my head down. I think Tom noticed since him and Xin sat down with me and Vince as we crapped on about random things. Played some random DS game with Yvonne. Then went home. Me, Xin and Vince were like telling reallly bad jokes to each other on the way home, lol.

Dinner was burnt tandoori chicken by me (packet sauce), garlic bread and Sha's yummy potato-tuna baked dish. Sort of like Sheperd's Pie but with tuna instead of ground beef. It was really good. Spent the night attempting to study and a bit of MSN as usual.

Was down at night. Hmm. What was my train of thought? I am not sure. I was thinking about my crappy grades. Then thinking about the past. And how I loved and longed for comforting words from the person I had loved. Heh, well I know this is only a temporary feeling. I am not supposed to have any "I miss... this and this..." feelings anymore. That and the fact that I may no longer hear that comforting voice, but I have all my beloved friends around me. I mean, it should be everything in the world when you have everyone asking you whether you're okay or not. Heh. I just wrote yesterday that things were looking fine. I am not taking back my words. I'll always have Xin, Sha, Jia Chee, Mag and everyone around me, and I'm really happy to have new friends like Alan, Rachel, Vince and etc. It made everyday fun, so I won't let this one day drag me down.

As for my grades, I need to get a D or higher for my final exam to pass that unit I need to pass really badly. It'll be hard because I am really weak at exams (I don't recall getting higher then C normally). I can only try my best. So yes, I am failing but... it IS not over yet. And I will not lose any longer. I cried to mum telling her "Sorry... sorry..." and she said that she understood why I was failing all my subjects. She said it was fine, and said to not let feelings drag me down any longer. Said something like how life was always like this anyway. It's okay, nothing is ever really right for very long. So I just need to savour things when they are right. Even if only for a while. And get back up when I do fall to the ground. I owe it to Mum and Dad really. I cannot fail. I cannot fail. I can't do something like that to them.

I'll spent the next month making sure I pass my other three units (which I have an average of 51%... YES, I am DOING THAT POORLY THIS SEMESTER... I have dropped a lot from being the HD student, eh?). Then worry about the one I am failing. It's not over yet. Yep. It's not over yet... I refuse to lose to this. Definitely.

"The conditions of conquest are always easy. We have but to toil awhile, endure awhile, believe always, and never turn back."

@Mr. Anonymous: lol, I know who you are. And... thanks, man. Dull the memory really. I am not the type to forget. Stuff that happened 10 years ago still hurt my heart till this day. I am that impressionable. I would feel sad if you stopped watching out for me though. It may be an annoyance at times but, still always be there.. eh? Cause I'm not fine just yet either. I don't really have much tears to shed anymore but to be honest I can still hear my heart crying everyday.

@Xin: Did you notice that he said ke ai? Not bu ke ai, lol. Yeah, I've come to far. Nearing 3 months of well... I wouldn't call it hell but of me climbing up that damn hole I was talking about. To be honest I occasionally get really wary of trying. Be warned in case I blow up and have another panic attack in the next week. It may happen.

An honest evaluation...

2009-05-07T18:17:00.005+10:00

And the blissful days continue. I think it is slowly being proven to distrustful me that friendship heals everything with time. I am slowly coming to a realisation that I can honestly say to myself that I am enjoying each day as it passes by. I wish these peaceful days could just go by forever. I know with time things will slowly change again, but I just need to adjust. And all will be well, right? Happened last year, happened this year... it'll happen again.

I woke up at... 6 AM today. I need to seriously stop waking up so early. I'm always so tired now. Heh. Had 9 AM class that ran until 12 PM. Then a half hour group meeting then I gobbled up lunch in 30 minutes. Everyone liked the cookies I baked! Yay! Okay, Tom was skeptical but he was being Tom. Haha. Then my EDF3006 tutorial. Uhh... I forgot to check for my essay results. Gah, I'll go tomorrow. I don't really want to know though. I mean, it's a 50% essay. If I fail it... I'm dead. But cause of how I was for the past 2 months, and looking at my essay results... things are looking really bleak for me. But I am cheering up considerably now so I shall try my best to pass all my units at least. Even if getting that D average I wanted for honours is out the window (I'll just work out what to do next semester).

Tutorial was weird. We just sat around bitching about placement. Apparently Monash has THE WORSE reputation for placements. Like, a lot of schools just don't want to accept Monash students as they are disorganised! I was surprised. Other classmates went to really interesting schools also. I went to McKinnon and Mount Waverly last year... they are both really similar schools. Why can't I go to an all boys, or all girls college or something. Or a Catholic school. I need to see something different. Gah.

After tutorial... uhh.. bummed around. We had a bit of Korean dance practice with Kimmy and the groupies (aka Kim, Alan, Lee, Rachel, Vince, Steve and meh~). Alan brought his... high school female friends over, lol. Then went back to lunch table to continue bumming around. I went to the post office to mail off my pressie + card to Mummy~ hehe. It won't make it for Mother's Day though (I should of went earlier *sniffles*). Then came back... Kimmy, Alan and them were gone. O.o What else did I do... I ate Vince's chips, ate Amanda T's chocolate, ate Brad's chocolate. Yes, I eat too much, lol. I will call Amanda T uhh... I dunno how to spell it. Whatever Vince calls her... "gaja" or something (referring to elephant). I dunno why she's an elephant though. LOL. She's so small and incredibly cute. And Yadhav is now Cockroach man. Cause he eats cockroaches. And stuffs.

Haha, umm... past 5 PM some people started leaving. So me and Vince left too! Yays, I went home... sat on the comp a bit then me and Yi Xin practiced Eat You Up (BoA) and Princess Bride dance a bit. Then instant noodle dinner cause like... everyone is lazy or needing to study (well except me but I never study). After dinner, I kept eating more foods. And chocolate. *sniffs* Cause Mads came home with lots of Meeting Point fries!!! So we all kept eating! It's free afterall. Me and Xin were practicing more in the kitchen (Cas now officially thinks Asians are crazy - although we are not the best representation of Asians I would think... I mean... we're both ex-committee of the anime club [aka the asian geek club], hehe). Night time was me bumming around trying to study but failing.

Was chatting a bit at night. Heard some wrong words from the wrong person about the wrong person. Hehe. It ended up with me thinking about stuffs. From past few months and stuffs. Damn, I should stop that. Hurts my heart. I feel sick. Need to read the quotes on my blog more often. It's not what it could have been, it's what it is right now. And what it will be. Gah...

“Peace is not something you wish for; It's something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away.”

Random melancholy...

2009-05-06T21:38:00.007+10:00

I woke up at 3:30 AM today for some reason. *shrugs* No reason really. James Lau, Steph, Mel and Javi were still online at this time, lol. They seriously don't sleep much. I fell asleep again for a few hours at 5 AM-ish then went to uni by 9 AM in Caulfield. A bit of a mistake on my part. I didn't need to go to uni at 9 AM. The 'film' was just some documentary on the making of the film from last week. Gah, what a waste of time. I spent the entire time on MSN with Magdalene and filling in past blog entries. Mag said that I seem to have a rather melancholy outlook of life right now? I wonder how true is that...

Went to uni for screenings. It was Kuro Shitsuji and Bamboo Blade again! Yay, was good. I sat on the ground with Stan, Lucy and Rachel! Hehe. We were the awesome ground crew. After that we attempted to have dance practice but Alan ran off to go shopping and Lee was in lab. So we cancelled that! Me and Zac was gonna go to Chaddy today to buy swim goggles so yeah... we did! Kim, Tom and Sam came along, hehe. And off to Chaddy! Uhh... I bought Speedo goggles for $25. And at Coles I bought some butter. Haha. We were in BORDERS for quite a while, gossiping and fangirling over the various manga there. Tom and Sam bought like 8 volumes between them. Then I went home. It was dark.

Using my butter, I made double chocolate chip cookies. They turned out surprisingly good. Normally I don't bake things well, haha. Dinner was umm... those stringy Korean noodles with Kimchi, jellyfish and some yummy meat by Jia Chee. It was really good. I kept eating since kimchi makes food appetizing or something apparently. Then we had jelly for dessert (and my cookies). Uhh... after everyone was done I spent an extra hour downstairs baking the remaining batch of cookies. There are so many! This is my snack for the week, hehe. Am trying to cut down on how much I spend on chocolates and stuff. Hopefully it works (I sort of doubt it though...).

Night was spent studying, MSN, the usual. Another peaceful and fun day. I wonder what it means to be melancholy. I'm sort of drifting along happily. I still think something isn't right but I'll slowly figure out what that is one day. I mean, there are always things never right anyway. Shouldn't let it affect me. Should look at what is in front of me. Cause there is so much more to see I guess. *shrugs* I think I'll lay off the contemplation today, haha. If I do that everyday I'll burn.

"I really don't think life is about the I-could-have-beens. Life is only about the I-tried-to-do. I don't mind the failure but I can't imagine that I'd forgive myself if I didn't try."

To live day by day...

2009-05-05T21:39:00.007+10:00

I woke up early as usual. Uhh... I did readings in the morning then I went to uni near to 12 PM to meet up with Ieja. Pass her a belated birthday gift and spent an hour talking to her about a bunch of things. Mostly girl gossip and my situation on a lot of things. I just told Ieja what I told Stan. That yes... no matter what I think or feel. It doesn't matter. Life moves on regardless. And I'll just have to accept that.

Class was a bore. Was supposed to have a group meeting after but my group mates weren't around or something. Uhh.. went to dantai practice. Learned more of Princess Bride which is always good fun. Then off to lit class. Today was Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Yes I know... Harry Potter. OMG. Gahhh! End of class the tutor wanted to see me.

Tutor: Essay.
Me: What?
Tutor: Essay.
Me: What?
Tutor: .... you didn't hand in your essay.
Me: .... I handed it in, you marked it and gave it back to me already. D:

Yeah, I thought that was amusing. She really did just say "Essay" to me twice and I just went "What?" twice cause I didn't know what she was talking about, lol. After class I hobbled back to lunch table. There were still people around! They were playing strip Hearts or something. I went home, chatted to mum on the phone for an hour and then it was dinner that Xin and Jono cooked! It was goooods ~ herbal fish, mixed vegetables, miso soup, wedges and some yummy cheese + mayo dip made by Mei Xian. Dessert was my brownies from yesterday (now all awesome and fudge-like) and Jia Chee's little... chocolate treats. Mini-Snickers or something.

Night was good ol' MSN and just some studying. Funny thing really. I'm definitely not the only one who various problems here and there. A dear friend of mine told me today, that they will also just live each day as each day passes by. And that's all there is to it. Whatever happens, will happen. Let destiny lead me where it is that I belong, I suppose...

At least. Wherever destiny leads me, I am never to be alone. For this reason alone am I the most blessed.

"To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing."

Pleasant days...

2009-05-04T06:31:00.003+10:00

Today was a simple and fun day I would have to say! I woke up and spent the morning doing absolutely nothing productive (sadly). Then I hobbled off to uni near to 12 PM since James Lau was like... come, come. So I did. Uhh... stood around and want off to Dantai practice with Jono, Phe-chan and the team. Everyone was like.... wearing... new winter jackets today. Well, what stuck out the most with me was Phe-chan (who went shopping with Lesley yesterday). And the fact that Kim, Lucy and Meghan all had the same coat on, lol. And Sam was wearing a new jacket too.

I saw Stan and sort of told him how I seem to be accepting reality around me now. Like, I said... I seem to be able to accept one thing quite clearly. It doesn't matter what I feel. Tomorrow is just another day. Life moves on regardless of everything. All I can do is adjust around this fact and make the best of it all. So, I gotta do that. Slowly but surely I can make everyday feel like today again. I just know it.

I left my mobile and mp3 player at home. Gah, so I actually went back to get it at like 2 PM. Got a package from Ebay (just a little mobile wallet for my new phone, since the current one doen't actually fit all that well). Back to uni, uhh... sat around talking to Tom, Vincent, Michael and co. Haha, it was simple but I felt light hearted for once. Vince like does really cool magic tricks (okay I know he says it's just a simple trick but I think it's awesome~). Uhh.. we were like telling lame puns to each other (omg... make it stop...) then we went to maccas at 4:30 PM! Where we watched "Who wants to be a Millionaire?", ate ice cream (I got a McFlurry~ lol I paid only like $2.70 though since Vince gave me 55 cents to pay for the rest of it) and gossiped about the joys of anime to Jeremy, Rachel, Vince, me and Steph! Hahaha.

I went home near to 6 PM since it was getting dark and everyone else did the same. Dinner was pork dish by Joanne, umm... I had Sha's Kai Lan which I was supposed to cook but I ended up trying to bake brownies instead so Mei Xian, Jia Chee and Joanne boiled it instead. Mei Xian also made potato salad (which became mashed potato in the end, was good though~). Dinner was nice and simple. Brownies took a while to cook but were actually pretty nice in the end (but so soft it kept falling apart). Night was chatting, a bit of reading and falling asleep! Haha. The housemates and me were like planning our holidays and what to do as a last special outing with us and Jia Chee (who is leaving).

A small thought...

2009-05-03T18:47:00.004+10:00

An odd day of much contemplation and just pure confusion. As plans today were cancelled, I woke up at 8 AM. Went LOL at Leon and Steph online for the entire night until this time. Within an hour I fell asleep again and got up at 11 AM. I sat around until lunch near to 1 PM and ate with Jia Chee and Sha. Went to library to do a bit of research near to 4 PM, I should of went earlier. Before I got anything done the library was closing. Gah...

A good part of my afternoon was spent with me looking for work. Applied to a bunch of places. I really do hope I can get a call from somewhere. I know there is a small chance but yeah, gotta be optimistic. Dinner was simple, stuff cooked by Sha. Miss simple dinners really. Not too much food, so I don't feel like I'm stuffed.

A quiet night spent on MSN and looking up what assignments I should start on. Today was a bit of a melancholy day I guess. A day to prove that life moves on, no matter what you say, no matter what you do, no matter what you feel and no matter what you think. It'll keep moving.

Too much cooking...

2009-05-02T23:00:00.000+10:00

A day spent cooking. Hah! I woke up early as usual then around 10 AM we hobbled off to Clayton for our weekly dose of shopping. Bought lots of goodies (food of couse - oh and a new pair of purple gloves at the $2 shop ~ and a muffin tray) and stuff then went home for pancakes! Yep, two bottles of buttlemilk pancake mix was used! One bottled was full of chocolate chips. I really enjoyed the camp ones. Nom nom nom. The 5 of us (Mei Xian was missing unfortunately) ate almost everything (there was a couple of pancakes leftover which I saved for a future lunch). Then I sat around doing nothing while drinking Big M.

At 3:00 PM, I decided to begin cooking dinner for tonight. I was gonna make ravioli from scratch, as well as Lemon Meringue Pie! Okay, this was a disaster. First of all, making the dough for the ravioli takes no ingrediants (like 4 things) but like... it took all of Jia Chee's strength to roll everything out. @.@ The filling was good though (mushroom + mascaporne cheese). For the pie, I used my muffin trays to make 6 mini tarts. I burnt them again as we forgot that they were in the oven once again but they were still cute. Hehe. The meringue required me using my new mixer, and Joanne standing there for 15 minutes attempting to make the egg white all fluffy. The lemon filling had Yi Xin squeezing lemons for me as well as random odd things I threw in. It was sour! Haha, well too sour for me. Since I can't handle sour foods. Anyway, the results were pretty cute for the lemon meringue pie (although too sour for me, I think I shall stick to my chocolate desserts).

The ravioli... no no no. Jia Chee, Mei Xian and Yi Xin sat there for houuuurs rolling the ravioli up. Hourrsss! And there wasn't even that much ravioli. Like, we had enough for the 6 of us, and we WERE rather full eating it but... not worth the time. I didn't think the food tasted any better then packaged ravioli. Gah. Dinner was at 8 PM so from 3 PM - 8 PM we were cooking. Bleh.

Night was spent chatting and doing nothing in particular. So much for studying, lol.

Fornightly Foreign Food Friday

2009-05-01T23:00:00.001+10:00

Good ol' Fridays! Went to Caulfield as usual for 11 PM class then hobbled back to uni. Ran into Remy again at the bus stop (I now find it rather cute that Remy is dating Luan, hehe, mega cute. I don't think this is a secret any longer). Lunch was... a chicken roll! From Peri Peri! I sat around... then went to dance practice with Kim, Alan, Lee and the group. We can't dance at the Main Dining Hall any longer either because of complaints or the fact that it isn't allowed (or both). Boo boo. So we now have to hide in a room too.

Came back to lunch table after a while, and just hung around momentarily. I wasn't in the best moods during this time, I guess things are still affecting me even though they shouldn't. As I quoted once on my MSN, I am not too fond of this 'tag team' at the lunch tables. I don't want to be in any situation where I can't sit with whoever I feel like because I need to avoid someone in the group. It's not how I want things to be like. But I just can't bring myself to sit down normally. Stubborness isn't advisable in this situation but I don't see why I must give in... I recall the words of someone. That to end conflict someone has to give up their pride and step up to reconciliate. I just don't see myself doing that just yet...

At 4:30 PM, uhh... we were gonna head to the city at 5:00 PM for ramen night. The previous day I told Vincent he could leave his car at my place since free parking closes by the time we get home. So yeah, we walked over to his car. It was in free parking so I was like... your car is farther then my house! LOL. He has a pretty awesome yellow car. With pounding music (people with their fancy music systems in cars these days o.o). I figure that considering Vince likes music a lot lot lot. Back to uni... we all left at 5:00 PM to the city! Yay ramen night!!!

Walked down Swanston St with Rachel and em'. I haven't been to the city in a while, lol. We got to Ajisen Ramen and I got to sit around Steve, Leon, Jeremy, Sam, Rachel, Tom and Vincent. We were waiting for Kevin and Steph to come before starting to eat. Me and Jeremy decided to share a bottle of sake together. Bad idea. Bad idea. Celine forgot she can't hold her alcohol. LOL. 2 and a half shots of sake... meh, I was a bit woozy already. On an empty stomach. Luckily food came! I ordered Volcano Ramen... cause it looked hot apparently? Andrew Kim and Vu-Vu also ordered it. As Andrew said... "Only REAL MEN eat VOLCANO RAMEN!" Hehe. I'm a real man!! Except... it wasn't really that spicy. T.T I like added extra chilli and stuff (everyone was goading me to do this and this... put on spice and white pepper and what not) and it didn't really do all that much. In general, the Volcano Ramen wasn't that good. I shall order something better next time. Ironically, Lawrence's Spicy Ramen was more spicy then the Volcano Ramen.

Steve took pictures of me all red from the sake + spicy food. Gah! After ramen was... dessert! First we went to Harajuku Cafe to get Ichipan! Only a few of us actually got something, then the rest went to Hungry Jacks for 50 cent cones. We then went back to Melbourne Central. I wanted to stay around and mess about but I was really tired. Probably cause of the sake. And the fact that I got little sleep. Most of us went home (cept for Leon, Steph, Kevin, Khanat and a few). So yeah... I went back home with Vincent (since his car was at my place). Akmal and Vu-Vu was also on the same train.

We decided to name Friday tradition: Fornightly Foreign Food Friday! It's fornightly because it is too expensive to go out every week. Maybe Ill eat cup ramen every Friday, lol.

I fell asleep fairly early, lol. Ah wells. Didn't do much else at night. Amanda (Yi Xin) came home from her dinner with Jono's family. She came to me room and we just chatted randomly. Told me retarded jokes from Jono's sister, lol. I was sort of down as usual, the heart really hurted. But I couldn't help laughing at certain things. It's always good to have friends to cheer you up in the most simplest ways. I am happy to know that everyone intends not to intrude with me, they don't ask or say anything. They are just there when I need em'.

A day with nothing but sleeping...

2009-04-10T12:17:00.000+10:00

Okay. So the day started off in Maccas with the movie night crew. It didn't last too long. We just sat around in maccas as we always used to. Joshua Tan like texted me during that time, lol he was in that maccas too. XD Apparently he was going on another camp with OCF (Overseas Christian Federation - I think it was). Then went home! And I basically blacked out on my bed until 2 PM. Lunch at 2:30 PM! After lunch... we sat around for aggeeees until like 4 PM. Then we were like, let's SLEEP AGAIN! And wake up for dinner. So basically that would mean... wake up for brekky, lunch then dinner. LOL. Nothing but sleep. Haha. Getting back all that sleep me and Xin never had for the past week. I didn't sleep before dinner though. Was on phone with mum and dad (I'm sorry for never phoning @.@) and then umm... MSN. Camp stuff. Issues and what not. Then I went downstairs to cook dinner. Today IS Good Friday so... umm.. Sha oven-ed fish and cooked veggies and I made veggie pasta. It was a pleasant dinner.

Before dinner umm... missionaries were at the door. I'm not too sure which Church in the area they are from. Xin was puzzled why I would take my sweet time chatting to them, and then Joanne joined in of all people, lol. Well it was cause they were like... totally hot? I mean like totally hot and in trench coats and.. and... lol Whuuuut I'm serious!!! Kyaaa~ I was like all KYAAAA~ after when we sat down for dinnners! Okay, that and I was being polite, I'm a softy so I have trouble turning people away or slamming things in their face. Cause the guys were nice (although I heard the 'They were flirting' lines from Sha). And just wanted to talk a bit. LOL. They asked for my number but I was like "Uhh... haha, sorry to be so blunt but I don't feel comfortable giving my number to someone I met 2 minutes ago... T.T". Then he said he wouldn't either but then he gave me his number. Uhh.... *sweatdrop*

Yay, nice and simple dinner. Then I went upstairs. The internet was so slow and crappy. Went to sleep at 1 AM. It was a simple day really. I don't think I actually slept at 1 AM, I don't really know when I slept. I cried myself to sleep this night. For a few hours. Just a bit of built up pain. Hehe. Yeah, I think I'm getting over my 'anger' stage. Back to 'sadness'. I should just settle upon: forgive and forget. But I dunno, the injury is still there and it's just being left there right now. With nothing to heal it. And asking me to forget is really hard too. But everyone did say it was gonna be hard. Even the most simple things in life is a simple reminder. I do wish that I was not taken for a fool though? If everything could just be said to my face. I don't like all these secrets being held from me. It's really disrespectful. It's like... as though I am not worth telling the turth too. Better to just treat me for a fool, and let me hang there half dead like an idiot. It really is hurtful to be kept from the truth, to be lied to, and to be betrayed.

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."

It IS a smile... it has to be....

2009-04-09T23:55:00.000+10:00

Gah. Today. Uhh... yeah. I tried to wake up at like... 3 AM but it didn't really work that well. I sort of woke up and went to sleep straight after. I tried my best with work. I skipped like... every class I have today. With that, besides the test... I have not gone to a SINGLE CLASS THIS WEEK. I can't believe myself. I skipped a 2 hour compulsory seminar and a 1 hour tutorial. Gahhh!!! For the sake of my 50% assignment. If I only snapped out of my senses like weeks ago and started weeks ago. I dug my own grave, seriously. But yes, I finished it up! And yay! FREEEDOM!! I went to uni to print it out and hand it in. Hehe.

Then I just hobbled to lunch table. Not much happening at all. I was sort of sleeping. And in a weird mood as usual. Sha came by and stuffs. And Rainy. I got sent home to sleep cause we're supposed to have an all-nighter movie marathon and I've slept like only a few hours in the past few days. I was reluctant though but yeah... I went back home by 4:30-ish?

What did I do... I tried to sleep. But... it didn't work out too well. First Yi Xin knocked on my door. When I was about to drift off. Then Aflred phoned when I was about to drift off again. Then for the third Yi Xin came by again saying whether I was ready to leave or not? LOL. Okay, so much for sleep. =.= During this little time I recall being extremely emo as usual. I've been in total recollection mode lately. Probably cause of my dreams and stuff. It doesn't really bother me too much. I'm trying to think why I can't just let go. Mind you, often my emo-ness turns to total anger these days. But you know, betrayal and trusting a liar sort of does that to you. Or so I like to think. I dunno, I think me becoming angry is a defense mechanism (aka I tell myself lies to try to convince myself to hate) cause otherwise there isn't much point to wallow in sorrow. But it doens't work after a while when I come to that realisation. I should still hate though, cause I was used, right? Right?

Near to 6 PM, me and Xin made our way towards Khanat's house! We were invited for dinner. So we bus-ed over. On the bus was Mel and Leon. Mel brought her shiny new netbook! A beautiful black eeePC! It's lovely. Hehe. Umm.. at K-man's house. Jimmy, Tom and K-man were sitting about. There was that Mimi bunny doll. It was really cute and Tom was playing with it. I want it. T.T lololol. Raine came over. And that was our lovely dinner. We had shabu shabu!! Japanese steam boat / hot pot. Never had it before. It was goooood. Lots of meaaaat! Umm.. then we sat around watching an episode of Samurai Champloo. And me and Jimmy playing Stepmania on my netbook. Then we went to Coles ~ to buy fooods. Then off to Chris' place by bus!

At the movie night. Uhh... attendance was myself, Yi Xin, Sha, Jeremy, Vu, Sam, Tom, Khanat, James, Raine, Jess, Drue, Bernie-chan and Chris himself of course! I got the couch! Shared with Xin and Jeremy (well Xin went off it after a while it was my napping spot). First movie we watched. Umm.. Idiocracy! OMG. I LOST around 20 IQ watching that. CRAP. T.T It was actually witty in a sense cause it IS satire but... omg... stupidity overload. We laughed our heads off. Yes, it is one of the dumbest movies ever! Then was OH GAWD ... more Harold and Kumar! Last movie night we saw White Castle so now it's... the second one. Gah. Yeah, I fell asleep halfway through this movie. Cause I was tired. Lost some IQ watching that one too. After that was umm... My Best Friend's Girl. I think they watched. Then a Jay Chou movie. I only saw a bit of each and fell asleep. After that I know Jeremy, Drue and Chris did not ever sleep as they all played Super Smash Brothers for the remainder of the night. I woke up to join in lol.

In the morning, lots of bad bad illicit gossip from the men. =.= Then um.. the group of us hobbled to maccas for breakfast!! And that is a post for the next day, lol.

Overall, it was a day I tried to be happy on but yeah, the pangs of sadness keep cutting into me. And I really hate it. Cause I shouldn't ever feel sad. But I do. It's really sad to watch if you ask me. It hurts so much more to know that I'm the only one feeling this too. Like, all this sadness is for nought you know. Why am I being sad? I have no idea. I can't even sit through a movie without spacing out for a bit... asking myself, why the hell are things like this? And what could I have done differently for things not to have been like this? And how things could have been so much better if they were not like this. I would always ask myself... I would probably do the same things as I am right now if I was not in this condition. If all those things did not ever happen. But, what kind of feeling would I have had if that was to happen? How much more happier would I have been? And how much more time would not have been wasted these past 2 months sitting around like this, having it so hard to breathe.

"Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It's a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you're hurt."

Exhaustion, confusion and a bit of everything...

2009-04-08T21:05:00.003+10:00

Yay, taking random assignment breaks to get this little blog entry done. Be warned. Lots of profanity. As usual, I am pissed off. In the end I didn't study much for my 30% today. In the morning I got all emo again, and thinking. It was pretty bad. Once again I'm still an idiot, lol. If my friends were around me they would kick my ass (the college + high school ones - since the housemates and uni friends here aren't kicking my ass). Fuck, if it was my friend acting like me I would kick her fucking ass. I mean... seriously, it's almost been 2 fuckin' months. I'm so pathetic. Ieja asked me a week ago: "why the fuck are you sad when the other person didn't care, miss you or respect you from day one? While you're like this. Are you stupid? *sighs* And don't say they did cause you were dropped like a potato and that was the end of it. That isn't respect. When cause of this you're a mess. If they cared you wouldn't be a mess." I don't feel sick at least so even if I do go emo once in a while I don't really care anymore long as I don't feel sick. As me being emo is fine. Cause everyone is emo once in a while. But long as I can enjoy myself in the normal times with friends. Which I was struggling with weeks ago but I'm fine now in most cases. I dunno. Whatever. Seriously. Yeah. I made that post earlier. Seriously. I'll kick the next person who wants to mess with me. I should of beated someone up 2 months ago. Just to get it out. Bah. Now I'm gonna fail. I'm stupid. I'm gonna fail cause I cared too much. Dammit, why couldn't I be the one who didn't care? But hell, cause I do care I don't even want to be the one inflicting the pain and hurting the other person. But being the fucking victim is stupid. Cause now I'm gonna fail and if I fail I'm gonna fall behind ONE YEAR (not one semester) cause of core units. Shit shit shit. I need to get this out. FUCKING THIRD YEAR. SHIT. One of the most important years of uni and I'm gonna fail for once. FUCK. FUCK EMOTIONS. For making me struggle so hard to do work.

Okay. So I went to Caulfield for my test. After not studying. I sat there for one around listening to music. Then I almost fell asleep during my test. I'm awesome aren't I? I wrote such crap cause I couldn't even read the paper sometimes. I was too exhausted to read the paper. So much for passing that one. Rushed back to uni for screenings. Screenings was... meh. Uhh... I just made announcements... we showed Kannagi and POKEMON episode 1. The Pokemon was the guys idea but they had no Pokemon episodes. But I had one so episode 1 went up. Hahaha. It was excellent. I loved the moment I was like...

Celine: "As this is the last screenings run by me, I am gonna play my FAVOURITE ANIME!"
Theme song~ : "I'm gonna be the very best...." [Pokemon US theme song]
EVERYONE: WTF!!!??? O.O LOLOLOLOLOL!!!! Ahahahahaha~ whoooo~

Oh man, there were like VIPs in the JSC. And then they liked poked their head through the auditorium and SAW a group of ADULTS watched DUBBED POKEMON! I died inside. Oh yeah, we had the EGM too. It was supposed to be after the first episode of Kannagi, but some chick who tried to jump across my projector and laptop cables like pulled the cable out of the socket so everything went down. Cause I couldn't reboot fast enough and we're trapped for time I had Jimmy do the EGM during that time. We passed a motion that TJ is to be silenced, lol. Awesome-ness.

What else. Before screenings Phe-chan gave me awesome chocolate cheesecake his mum made. Hehe. I feel honoured to be one of the few who got to eat it! Um... after screenings. I dunno, I bought bubble tea... went to lunch table. Sat around. Then went to physio. Last time at physio. With this, my last 'promise' with that person is done (well besides not doing wu shu again - which I'll still stick to I suppose). Unless I fall over and hurt myself again I don't need to return to the physio again. Cools. After that library. FUCK. NO BOOKS. I'M ROYALLY SCREWED.

I went back to lunch table. No Drue or James. Gahhh. I sat around with Alan, Yi Xin and a lot of randoms. Then everyone came! Yay! Meeting time. 3 hour meeting with Xin, James, Sam and Drue. Probably the last one with them. As usual, it was loads of fun. Hehe. I mean, the guys are awesome and I <3 my committee muchies, even if we are all stressed beyond what words can explain. Camp is like a rollercoaster of... so much to do. Too many problems, too many issues. I'm gonna be a busy person during camp... even worse is when I realise that everyone has been saying they dunno anyone and etc. And I'm like... I know everyone who is coming on camp though (minus 5 people). So like.. meh, if I can know all 70 people I dun see why anyone else can't. Gonna try to bring the folks together. It means a bit of hardship for me though, past experience has told me that forcing people out of their comfort zone means quite a bit of backlash to you at times.

Uhh... I went home. At dinner on my own, sort of. The mousse I made WAS NASTY. lol. Wasted efforts. =.= Went back to room... tried to do work. Had a lot of trouble. Decided to sleep early and wake up even earlier the day after... dunno, this assignment has been disasterous cause of my emo-ness... bah, my mood swings are getting unbearable at times. It's cause I'm trying to fight, like... fight to get out of my 'I am depressed' shell. But meh... fighting means chaos. It means one second I am trying the next second I really don't want to try anymore.

It's annoying.

"Supposing you have tried and failed again and again. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call "Failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down."

Living for that brighter future...

2009-04-07T07:10:00.008+10:00

So what happened today. Uhh... today is Sha and Phe-chan's birthday!! At midnight, me, Xin, Jia Chee, Mei Xian and Joanne were hiding in a room and went to surprise Sha (sort of) when it struck 12. It didn't work too well cause apparently Jia Chee like... phoned Sha before that asking her whether she was asleep O.o (Us: ... lol.) *headsmashes* I texted Phe-chan too! Then I continued work for another hour before sleeping for 4 hours. It was supposed to be 3 but I don't have enough strength to just live off 3 hours of sleep.

Got up at 5 AM to do work. After an hour I got all sleepy again so I just went to lay down for a half hour. I fell asleep unfortunately until 7 AM. I wish I didn't. I don't know why but in that hour I had a dream I shouldn't have. Of a better time I dearly miss. I was like... damn... I'm all emo again now, lol. You can avoid conscious thoughts in the daytime, but meh... you can't avoid dreams from showing you anything it wants to show. How annoying. But I got up and did my work as usual anyway.

Near lunch, I went to Clayton as I needed to buy a few things. 1.) was to accompany Xin to help her out. 2.) was to buy Sha + Phe's birthday cakes. I needed to get back to uni by 2 PM to do Phe's whole birthday celebration thingy. I effectively skipped all classes today (meaning 2 lectures + 1 seminar which I will probably try to replace in week 7). Xin went to Chaddy to buy Phe a gift, so I went to Clayton on my own first. Let's see... I saw Seb on the bus. Then at uni Emma came onto the bus. I saw Jason walking around Clayton also today. I finished shopping realllly fast, so I was like... meh. I decided to just pick up both cakes by myself and not wait for Xin (as she didn't need to go to Clayton besides for the cake - having bought her groceries in Chaddy also). It was a highly painful experience to drag both cakes, my bag and my groceries down Clayton road but yeah... I managed to do it.

When I got home I had to leave within 20 minutes to get to uni to make sure I have enough time to set Phe's thing up properly. Xin, Joanne and Jia Chee were at home making food for tonight. Xin came back from Chaddy showing me her gift to Phe. I was like "Oh you know... Phe likes seals!" ... Xin: ".... you should of told me that before. Not after!!!! D: D:" Uhh... I went to uni and stuffs. Since I still have my bus ticket, I took the bus. Met Damien on the bus, haha. Then we got to uni~ um... yeah. Phe's bday celebration went well!!! Hehehe. Raine mis called me before he got there and we got the cake lighted. A thanks to Sebby-kun for lighting the cake and Jeremy / Kim to cut it out and hand out slices to everyone. The strawberry cheesecake was pretty good actually *__* Yay great choice Les!! A big thanks to the people who helped us pay for it too! Namely, Yi Xin, Les, Raine, Kai Lun, James Lau, Leon and myself~ the gifts were realllly cute ~! Hahaha. So much panda-ness!!

Let's see, what else. Some random dancing in the background. I dunno why but I did HHY in front of so many ppl. T.T James like picked me up during one time and I was like FUUUUCK GAHHHH!!! I'm afraid of heights. LOL. Don't suddenly pick me up @.@ Jimmy was all mean to me today, lol. I went to hide behind Raine a lot. ^^ Since he was bullying me~ Uhh... I left around 4 when Les came since I needed to cook for tonight. I went to C&S first with Jimmy to book transport for the camp though. Saw Mun Jone inside doing stuff for MUMSU camp. They have a scheduled itinerary, lol.

At home... umm... yeah. Jia Chee wrapped me and Les' presents for Sha. I went to cook. My quiche and choco mousse. Both which didn't turn out well. While cutting tomatoes for the quiche I was like... *cut cut cut cut ... cuts through tomato onto finger* ... Me: ................. ........... ........ YI XINNN!!!! I CHOPPED MY FINGER!! WHAT DO I DOOOOO???" Yi Xin: WHUUUUUUT! OMGGG!!! *runs out* o.o blooood Yi Xin: JIA CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! And then Trine comes out with a first aid kit, washes my hand and gimmes a bandage, lol. Yay! Maybe I shouldn't of said I 'chopped' my finger, lol. Yi Xin thought I chopped my finger off. =.= It's an extremely minor cut anyway~ I just haven't been cut in ages, lol.

Anyway, my food sucked. Yi Xin made pasta bake and potato salad (earlier). Jia Chee made her radish cake dish (lo ba ko~ lol). Uhh... order of arrival. Well Thomas was around and helped us clean everything up. Raine and Lesley came over first, Raine had chicken in which Yi Xin ovened and burnt, lol. Les brought over easter chocolate for our house. ^^ Then we wondered when everyone else was gonna come. I phoned Chris one time wondering where the heck is him and Khanat and it was like...

Person: [says some gibberish I dun get]
Me: ... T.T.... uhh... riiitteeee....
Person(s): *heavy breathing and random 'noises'*
Me: ........................ T.T .....................
Khanat: *starts laughing*

=.= lol, they both made fried rice of lurrrrrve. Jimmy came over, umm.. Christina and Jay ~ V came with drinks!! Tsan came over a bit later. Valerie came over with more chicken which K-man and co. butchered, lololol. It was funny, apparently Jay phoned Sha so like... when we were trying to prepare the whole cake thing and stuff... Sha was already sitting at the stair case staring at us. Me: D: D: D: D: D: *starts jumping and shoo-ing her away* MAH SURPRISE!!! GAHHHHHHH!!!!! I think she heard Chris' voice and stuff (cause his voice is just too distinct).

Anyway, dinnner was great. Lots of foods. Hehe. We managed to finish most of it. The cake was good too. It wasn't too sweet. *__* I dunno what kinda cake it is. Marble mudcake or something, lol. A lot of photo taking during the party. Hahaha. Cas and Thomas were totally like mind boggled by why Asians MUST take photos of EVERYTHING~ Paul came over one time and was all like O.O with the people. When he left Raine was totally like...

Raine: *__* who's that???
Us: Our landlord.
Raine: That's your landlord? D: O.O
Us: Yessss.
Raine: *_____________*

Be careful, Jimmy. lolololol.

Presents!! Umm... yeah. Amanda / Joanne gave Sha three cute cute cute panties~ hehehehehe. I gave Sha a pink top from Espirit~ and Les gave her a cute little bear thiny.

Yay, then people left. Les drove Raine home. Chris drove Khanat, James and Tsan back to their places. V left earlier. Etc. I did not help clean up as I went to my room early, tried to study but failed, and in the end went to sleep. James told me to just look at notes for an hour and sleep anyway. I took the sleep approach in the end. Well, I haven't studied for English at all. But meh. Since the test is mostly interpretation and making up answers. Rather then plain memory. I might do better with a clear head with some sleep behind it.

Just for a bit of emo-ness. Today was a wonderful day. During the party at night, I would sort of pause a bit once in a while though. Cause we obviously have people missing. Stanny to name one. And...... yeah. Haha, I really need to stop thinking of the past though. Or I'll miss out on the present, eh? It was a fun short party with fun people. Just listening to Chris, Khanat and James with their homo-erotic conversations and body language and Cas / Thomas' WTF are with these Asians sort of says it all already. Musn't think of the past, eh... I guess I couldn't help it when despite having so many people there the room went silent. And I was having trouble finding things to say. It's a stark contrast I guess.

I can't remember the last time I laughed my head off at the family dinner table. When all of last year it seemed to happen on a daily basis. Almost.

Oh and I need to stop playing that song you all hear on my blog. LOL. A few weeks back, tears would always fall when I heard that little tune. No matter what. Even without any thought. Like some reaction. Probably cause of the meaning I associate with it. Now I've gone immune though. But I still like it a lot so I keep playing it. @.@ But it brings the past with me. The meaning behind the tune? It's from a game and is sort of like...

"A love that has been lost, a time that is forever gone. Having stepped through that one door and never being able to turn back - I am now stuck staring at the door that was once the past."

Something like that. The game has the chick sacrificing herself for her dearly beloved and you know, by the time the guy realised it was all toooo late. Yay for regret? =.=

Reply to comments...
@Raine: Are you gonna be n MUISS all the time then? Where do I find you? If you do that I'll sit in MUISS too lol but I dunno most ppl there... cause I'm not Malaysian or Mauritian. Haha. Ah well, your decision. The previous post was just me flaring up momentarily. I think Sam is the best guy right now for the club. If I think about it, he's nicer then most people and cares about a lot of things more then anyone. I think expression is just the thing holding him back. Heh. It's a funny paradox really. There are a lot of seemingly 'nice' people in the club, but I can see that they make more nasty and sarcastic comments more then anyone. Then you have the people who seem more scary but are just so much more kinder on the inside. They hold everything in because they can't express themselves. Gah. Once Thursday is over with, I'll go full throttle with the camp. My last event too, eh? And last screenings today. Heh. Fine. I'll make the best of it too. The first and last time I'll ever be in a committee - an experience I'll never forget. Will enjoy my last two weeks...

Gah. The AGM is gonna be a hard one for me. I must not give into any temptation (like the requests from so many randoms to run again, lololol). But I shouldn't any way. I've done very poorly for the club all semester. The guys understand but it doesn't change the fact that I failed really... I do not deserve it. ^^;;

I need another committee after this. Haha. Should I try to contact Manifest still about the maid cafe? lololol. Whoot ~ next project time~ :D :D :D

"For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everyone you gain, you lose something else."

Is not taking this shit any longer...

2009-04-06T18:49:00.007+10:00

The summary of today.

1.) Tears
2.) Anger + Bruises from my leg resulting in that anger
3.) Frustration

I woke up thinking about random things that didn't get anywhere. I can't remember anymore what. Oh well. Who the fuck cares, reallly. I went to uni... went to dantai practice for a bit. Went to counsellor. What a waste of time. Not going there again. I can counsel myself better, kthx. Telling me to just 'live and go on' was a load of help wasn't it? Went to apply for extension. Went to lunch table again. Was told how everyone was mad I left the marathon with Lesley to buy presents + cause she wanted to cheer me up (cause I'm a wreck, if people notice me you'll notice that I have trouble eating cause I sometimes can't even pick up the utinsels...).

Was mad at everything in general. I sat the back punching my leg. It now really hurts. Was told by so many to just get over it. Okay, fine, whatever. I can't finish my work. Yeah, I haven't done much for MCAC lately. Or so I think anyway. I dunno what I've been doing. Okay, I get it. I hope everyone has fun when they know what they're getting themselves into after I'm gone. Cause it isn't fun. It isn't fun at all.

Phe came over to comfort me. There was one time I couldn't even see the screen in front of me. Eyes was blocked by tears. Complete and utter frustration really. People wanna FUCK WITH CELINE? Hahahaha!! It's so funny.

There is one thing I can say right now.

DO NOT MESS WITH ME.

I'll show you all what the fuck I can do.

As I said to Phe today...

"This... is... all.. so... fucking... annoying. Shit."

Am someone with a lot of pride. Take after my parents. Am a person who does not like seeing everyone whisper about her. Even though I know it happens. It angers me. There is so much I wanna say but I never say it either. And finally, am someone who puts her friends before her work. I walked out cause I wanted to get presents for friends (who I will not name just yet) and spend time with someone I will otherwise not be able to spend time with. And I definitely don't regret that. It might not have been professional but... that is life. I left the event cause I knew it was gonna run regardless of whether I was there or not.

Thank you Lesley. Thank you Phe-chan. Thank you Yi Xin, Ieja and Magdalene. Enough of the excuses. I'll finish everything even if it kills me now cause you don't disrespect Celine. It makes her really angry. And I've gotten this far for a reason. Nothing ever really did fall into place for me. I got here through sheer PISSING ANNOYING FUCKING HARD WORK.

And if I think about it now. I just overreacted today. People are being nice to me, they said things nicely to me as always... but as always - I blow up cause I can't control my temper or my emotions. I must apologise to the people who I bring down with me, really. They don't deserve it. As Vu2 puts it... RAGGGEEE. LOL. I need to stop raging~

But I will try to get everything done though. Enough of the excuses, eh? And the sob stories. I'll get everything done. Yep. I shall. ^^

Reply to comments...
@ Les: I still say you're crazy, lol. D: D: No more suicide dives please...

"It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about."

Indifference that made a difference...

2009-04-05T12:12:00.001+10:00

So I woke up and saw Mag post on MSN to me something along the lines of that... I must really want to be bitch slapped. Yeah, that's probably true. *sighs* I wasted 4 hours in the morning moping, thinking, contemplating, and the usual. When I should do my assignment. I am such a fool I swear. The only thing I can say is that despite the apparent emo-ness of the morning, I recovered myself quite well. Rather then being 'sick' as usual, I was like... oh, FUCK IT got up, took a shower and prepared myself for the marathon. I wonder if this is an improvement? Things are not affecting me as much.

Went down to cut fruit with Yi Xin. Both did some apples and melons. Then we made our way towards the venue. Uhh... the guys were there already. We set up and all that kinda crap. It was pretty good spread actually. I liked how the table was full of healthy food, lol. Rather then just plain snacks. I sat around with Damien for a bit holding the rego table. Talked to people and stuff. Ashleigh made chocolates in a basket, which were cool. I watched like only 5 minutes of anime in the marathon. Bobobo- bobo bo whatever crap?? It was so random I walked out before my low IQ got even lower. @.@ I know that anime was screened cause Remy threatened to stab Drue or something if he didn't do it. He screened it to save his life, lol. Past 3 PM, Lesley came and we left together to Chaddy.

I am not sure whether I should of run off from the marathon. I do not think that many people were happy. And people were apparently looking for me. But *shrugs* Whatever. I had a fun time in Chaddy with Les. That's all that matters. Let's see... we were looking for presents. I won't say for who in case those people end up reading my blog. But we had an awesome time running around looking for stuff. I'm flat broke though. We ran into Bernie-chan momentarily while we were there. Um... had Koko Black~ I finally had some Koko Black~ I never got any while in Aus. I always seemed to miss out when people went. Well, I went to Max Brennor but I think I prefer Koko Black over Max Brennor? I got sick from the Iced Chocolate though... GAH... overload. Choco overload. Past 5 PM we had to make our way back (after I got calls while in Toys R Us from Sam, Raine and etc). Uhh.. David Jones was about to close and we like... need to get through there to get to Les' car. The door... was sliding down and Les like did those action movie suicide dives (okay more like a slide) toward the door slowly going down. I was like.... "Lesley!!! THAT'S DANGEROUS!!! O.O" The person on the other end got pissed cause it is dangerous when you're about to close the store and this person ducks and slides under it. They stopped after that and I just slowly poked my head under. If they didn't stop I wouldn't of dived. I would of been like LOL... I'm in the mall and Lesley is in David Jones.

Then we went back. I'm sorry Sam for never telling you where I went and disappearing. LOL. Uhhh... what else. Yeah, I sort of skipped dinner. We sat around and stuffs. I like how the committee sat around looking miserable while everyone else was eating happily. I sort of jumped in between both groups since when I walked around a bit Phe or someone would grab me. I made an annoucement for T-shirt comp~ new design is pretty awesome. Uhh.. it was phailure on my part just cause like... I made a powerpoint but... I accidentally screened it to everyone before doing the big surprise. *sniffs* After that... I sat around trying to do my assignment. Or talk to randoms outside.

I wasn't in the best moods at night unfortunately, which lead me to... leave the marathon venue at night in the dark. And I took a walk. I went back cause when I took a walk, I saw a group of people. Then I was like OH FUCK, cause you know... I dun wanna be mugged. T.T Then some guy was like "Excuse me..." and I'm like... OH FUCK even more. T.T Luckily he was like "Can I ask you where Lot 10 is??", he was talking about Buliding 10, the Campus Centre. Okay, cool. And he went off with his group. *phew* I then just went back to those benches by the library I enjoyed sitting on. I used to sit on them after MUST sessions because after MUST I was always emo. And I always sat around on those benches to enjoy the cold air, the night sky and the quietness (tranquility~). It's a really peaceful place. At night. I like looking at it, the trees, the sound of the wind... the beautiful night sky - dark and empty. Am wondering when I'll be able to see stars again. Even if the stars were there I don't think I can see it still. Things will remain empty for a while with me anyway. I'm the night sky, and I don't have any stars to fill it up just yet. Because mine walked away from me as I wasn't good enough, eh?

Xin came out to look for me since as always I trouble her by suddenly disappearing when I see fit. I know she was freezing, cause I sat them without moving in freezing wind. I'm sorry hun... temperature doesn't really affect me as much these days. I sort of grew indifferent to a lot of things. It's how like when it was over 30, I was wearing a jacket. I was like... it's hot? Huh, really? Or when it's cold... I could walk around without one if I wanted to. I randomly hurt myself and don't notice these days either. Sad really. We sort of talked a bit. I dunno, talking that doesn't really get anywhere. Didn't make me feel better or worse. I wasn't really that bad anyway, a bit sarcastic. A bit humourous. Lesley took great effort to make me feel happy today, so I didn't want to ruin that good feeling. I mean I did but that's cause I should of just continued ignoring things during the night dinner. Dammit, I should of like turned the volume on my mp3 higher. And wish my laptop didn't die from battery (and for the power plug to break down - requiring me to run around looking for another one). To be honest, I would have to say that I think it is way awkward and a bit stupid to have two people walk in and to have myself only greet one of them and ignore the other one so obviously. As someone as kindly put to me, they think we are both such children and that I am acting like such a kid. =.= *le sighs~* I dunno what people are expecting of me though. To be absolutely overjoyed? Should I?

I went back in with Xin eventually cause I was worried she would freeze. Uhh... Zac came! Which was nice. Won't see him for a while since he's in a design competition. I sat around talking to Zac for a bit... let's see. Practiced dance with Andrew. EVERYTHING WE WORKED ON FRIDAY WAS FOR WASTE! Gahhh. We're starting over again. Cause BoA's "Eat You Up" has two versions of the dance. We learned the American which is easier. Now that we have a video for the Korean version... oh, man. T.T *sobs* It does look cooler. We have a week to learn as we wanna get a performance up by camp.

Nearer to 8 PM me and Xin started to pack up. Then... yeah. Damien drove us home (I was worried we would have to walk home but then we got like "Do you wanna lift home?" offers from like James, Drue, Ashleigh and etc.) Hehe. Yeah, the night was quiet. I just worked on a few thins, MCAC bits and pieces. And went to sleep. Got woken up nearer to 1 AM cause Jia Chee's heater set off the fire alarm. Gahhh~!!! The noise.

Overall day? It was fine. It was pleasant. Greatest ups was the afternoon. Hehe, thanks Les. Yeah, I really DID have fun with you in Chaddy. It was awesome. Let's do that again sometime. ^^ Next week is Great Ocean Road Trip anyway! Yay-ness~ as for my night. I need to work on that, eh? Can't let myself become sad all of a sudden. Silly silly me. Yeah, I am gonna get my ass kicked soon by certain friends if I don't do something. My one week... cut off date is about to complete itself too. Oh dear. T.T

"Smile, even if it's a sad smile, because sadder than a sad smile is the sadness of not knowing how to smile."

The blur between the lie and the truth...

2009-04-04T17:05:00.007+11:00

I woke up in contemplation. Not in a really sad way... I was just thinking. I don't even remember what I was thinking about now, I know I didn't get up upset though. Maybe I'm starting to be glad that I'm getting indifferent to everything now. Or I think my mind is. I think my heart is still screaming though cause I seem to find tears randomly going down my face at times when I'm not even thinking of anything in particular. The mind is blocking out emotions, but the soul is crying within. Or something like that. Maybe I should stop trying to sound poetic. And failing at it. LOL. XD I am not too sure really. Ieja said that she knows regardless of anything, I'll grow indifferent. But I may always feel pangs of sadness because the scar is already there. Buried deep. And isn't going to go away. Just what I need. More scars in my life. I can see myself going spastic over things like this that haunt me for life. As do things from 5 years ago still haunt me to this day. Or things from 10 years ago. Sad really...

The blur between what is a lie and what is the truth. I honestly don't know what is a truth. So I can only make my own assumptions. And continue with them. As I know some people want to keep things away from me. If ignorance is bliss, I do hope it is bliss then. But right now, I cannot see anything worse then betrayal, you know? And that is the truth my mind is set on, unless someone tells me otherwise. To be ignorant also brings me even more pain too. And I do wonder why things must be hidden from me. Is everything really even worse then I think it is? Wow... I dunno how much more worse it can be. How much more can one hurt me? And with that... I'm not to sure where to go on from there. I would preferably just continue to hate, and to hate myself for trusting lies. But it really isn't my personality to hate... or to hold a grudge... it just isn't me.

I wish it was. It would be so much easier to just hate.

It's the crappiest feeling in the world to have everyone tell you to hate that person, for you youself to tell yourself to hate that person, for that person probably hates you too - but for you yourself to not be able to do that. And to have so many people get mad because you can't do that. It makes you feel really alone. It's such a shitty feeling...

Uhh... I woke up around 4 hours later then I should of. Bah. Went to Clayton for lunch with the awesome foursome (aka me, Sha, Xin and Jia Chee), I had like 'Mie Ayam' for lunch. It was like badly cooked kolo mee with too much MSG in it. I miss my kolo mee... apparently Xin doen't know what kolo mee is... is it a Sarawak thing? o.o Gotta buy them kolo mee if they ever come to Borneo...

I was on another of my hyper moods during the shopping time. I ran around going "Xin!!!!" every 2 minutes pointing odd things out to buy, lol. When I'm all hyperactive, I'm never really sure what is going on. I should look that up in my textbook. Cause I know it may seem like I'm happy, technically it is a much better feeling then just being emo - but something is still off. I wouldn't call it plainly being happy. Something is wrong. Not sure what. I still think maybe it is me being confused with whether I am happy or sad. Or more like I am trying so hard to be happy that my mind snaps under the pressure... but that doesn't sound right either. Since when I snap under the pressure of 'trying' to be happy, I know what I do. And that's when I turn really nasty and sarcastic to everyone (happened a lot a week or two back).

Besides buying fruits + veggies for MCAC Marathon tomorrow, all I bought today was... chocolate. Haha. I didn't want to buy actual food. *shrugs* My mp3 player ran out of battery again, I need to charge it longer. LOL. It was okay cause I was with other people but I really must make sure it doesn't run out when I'm alone. Cause I can't stay alone without anything buzzing around my mind for too long. Then I freak. It's one of the main reasons why I want to go to a counsellor. Cause I can identify my own problems but I'm not too sure what to do from there. And I'm sort of afraid of what will happen if I end up developing any other psychological disorders...

Spent over an hour cutting two bags of carrots for tomorrow. *sigh* Another long day tomorrow. I am hoping I can get out of the marathon. Either to study or stick with my original plan of heading out somewhere more fun with Lesley... I dunno though. Might have a meeting tomorrow. *sigh 2* I'm gonna miss the committee so badly. It's a burden gone but... I'm gonna feel like I've really lost my place any where once it's over. I know I will. I'm worried I'm gonna develop identity crisis. The perceived self, the ideal self, the observed self... which one is me? And which one should I be so that everyone will accept me? I don't wanna be thrown away anymore... scared beyond scared of the AGM coming. I'm actually confident that if I run again, I can get re-elected somewhere (or for any position, seriously - well cept for lib/treas.. can't beat Drue and James in that lol). But... no. I can't. My time is over with MCAC... gotta leave it to the new people. I know that.

Akmal came over momentarily. Gave me chocolate. I tried to work on my 50% assignment. It's hard. I can't believe half my grades is based on a one sentence instruction. I'm like... DUDE WTF.

I had trouble working as usual. I ended up just laying in darkness for 40 minutes without moving for a second. And I did not even think much during that time. The time just went by. I dunno what I was trying to do really. I wasn't even really sad. I just stopped moving altogether. *shrugs* It's odd really. The tricks life play on you. There are so many straws for me to grasp, yet I keep looking for that one short one. It's pathetic. Cause I would drop all that straws for that one short one. But then I realise that the short one was never there to begin with.

Dinner was... instant noodle goodness! And yummy cream puffs from Xin from BreadTop. Yum yum. After dinner... I dunno. I couldn't concentrate. Which is bad.. really. Really bad. Didn't do very much at all. Ah well. Gotta get this done no matter what. Even without sleep or whatever. I hope I finish... or at least start it! LOL. I can't believe I haven't started my essay due on Thursday... I should go shoot myself. Seriously.

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for."

A light in the far off distance...

2009-04-03T07:59:00.007+11:00

This morning was actually pretty hilarious. Not funny in the funny way, just funny in the "Celine you are a moron" way. I was really sick again, and I should clarify what I mean by 'sick' when I say I am 'sick'. Not physically sick, just that I have this nasty feeling of a.) wanting to throw up, b.) my heartbeat/pulse is irregular - too fast, c.) I feel like I want to just hide under my blanket and never come out again, d.) I feel like it would be nice if time would just stop. Anyway, it was hilarious cause I have a practice test due today which I never did. I felt like I was really gonna throw up but there isn't anything for me to throw up (c'mon, I've eaten so little, lol) so I did everything I could to sit upright and start typing. And reading things. And thinking as fast as I could. Honestly, if I pass my units this sem I would give myself a pat on the back for like... spending 10 minutes doing what other people spend hours doing. I dunno whether the crap I type up out of my head amounts to anything though... for 3rd year units. Ah well, if I fail anything this sem I'll just have to explain to mum... and stay for the summer this year to catch up. I just pray that it isn't an Education unit because... I cannot fail my core units. Or I'm screwed. Since you can't catch those up in summer... and my grades will probably be too low to overload.

Yeah... so I hobbled to Caulfield. Got my way through class... thankfully. @.@ Then after class I spent like one and a half hours in the Caulfield library catching up and chatting with Ieja. She says some pretty awesome things, hehe. Cause of my eating problem she like made me cakes the day before and forced me to eat two of them, lol. They were really good. ^^ Cause of her my spirits were really lifted and I spent almost rest of the day in a relatively good mood. :D It was nice. I didn't have that 'sick' feeling. I need to keep what it was that I had today going through all my days. I need to remember some of the stuff Ieja and everyone else was telling me too. She said she didn't understand why I was sad. I had too much to be happy for. And I said I know. I know I have too much to be happy for. I dont' know why I'm sad either...

As Jia Chee said...

"Be happy Celine. Good things happen to you when you're happy." right? I just need to always remember that. If I feel happy better things will happen in life. I know it will...

Ieja sort of said that if I wasn't okay by the next time I see her (perhaps next week) she's gonna bitch slap me. Ehehehe. As today was a pleasant day no more emo-ness in this post. So yeah, then I went back to uni all hyper~ and went to lunch table TO FINISH MY PRACTICE TEST. *sobs* I didn't know how to do one part of it... so I was like... Sammmmm!!! Who helped me out. Then I went to join the DBSK dance people cause I wanted to practice too! Hahaha. OMG, we danced for like one and a half hours I think!! It was a lot of fun. Or I thought it was a lot of fun. I know Alan said it was a lot of fun. So that's good at least. That the both of us were happy to be there. We were WAYYY tired though. So yeah, it was an awesome time practicing with Kimmie, Alan, Andrew, Lee, Sam2 and Sebby~ :D

I sux majorly though!! Hahaha. Kim like did 'personal' tests with everyone and graded me the highest surprisingly (BWAHAHAHA TAKE THAT!!) I got a "B"! Next highest was Lee who got a "B-" but like... Lee only started learning today. And he was really good. Picked it up fast. For me, it's my 3rd day already... lol.

At night when I was talking to Alan on MSN, he said that he just realised he looks like a retard while dancing. I said the same thing too since I checked myself in the mirror! YESSS! WE BOTH LOOKED LIKE RETARDS WHILE PRACTICING IN FRONT OF THAT MANY PEOPLE!!! Go usss! *hi5*~

So yeah, then the funny crap happens. So everyone goes home. I sit around with Phe-chan. Then um... even more people home. And we have an insane time with K-man, Steve, Rachel, Amanda (uhh the other one.. okay from now on Amanda refers to Amanda Tjiupek while the previous person I would call Amanda is now my housemate: Yi Xin - lol or it'll be confusing). So yeah, Amanda came back from Squash practice and had her racket. So K-man and Steve were doing Prince of Tennis style moves with an invisible ball (and one racket). They looked insane, there were videos taken... everyone in the remaining area was staring O.O. Hahahahaha!!! Good times, good times. Mel comes along who has to wait until 7 PM in uni for Zac. I was gonna head out to dinner with K-man later on with my housemates so I asked Mel to hang with us until then. So we both walked home chatting about things. Which is nice because I've never really talked to Mel (or any of the other girls - I mean I didn't befriend most people - right now I still only talk to Vu2 and Alan so *shrugs*). So it was really nice! ^^

Then umm... Mel, me, Joanne, Mei Xian and Jia Chee went to Clayton!! Sha stayed home and Yi Xin was at Jono's. Whlie there we were waiting for Khanat while Mel was waiting for Zac (who was wandering around OfficeWorks?? lol). When Khanat came I just hobbled to OfficeWorks with Mel to 'punch' Zac since Mel said to do it. Hahaha. Okay, that was a pathetic punch. :P Dinner was at La Porchetta. I never really ate their properly. It was good. We went home and um... I was just practicing dance and stuff. So was Jia Chee and Sha. ^^ Then I went to sleep cause I was realllllly realllllly tired.

All in all, it was a good day after I got over some of the initial thoughts. My mornings still tend to be really rough so I need to decide what I wanna do from there to help myself. But yeah... more pondering tomorrow perhaps...

"It was only a sunny smile and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living."