Okay. So the day started off in Maccas with the movie night crew. It didn't last too long. We just sat around in maccas as we always used to. Joshua Tan like texted me during that time, lol he was in that maccas too. XD Apparently he was going on another camp with OCF (Overseas Christian Federation - I think it was). Then went home! And I basically blacked out on my bed until 2 PM. Lunch at 2:30 PM! After lunch... we sat around for aggeeees until like 4 PM. Then we were like, let's SLEEP AGAIN! And wake up for dinner. So basically that would mean... wake up for brekky, lunch then dinner. LOL. Nothing but sleep. Haha. Getting back all that sleep me and Xin never had for the past week. I didn't sleep before dinner though. Was on phone with mum and dad (I'm sorry for never phoning @.@) and then umm... MSN. Camp stuff. Issues and what not. Then I went downstairs to cook dinner. Today IS Good Friday so... umm.. Sha oven-ed fish and cooked veggies and I made veggie pasta. It was a pleasant dinner.
Before dinner umm... missionaries were at the door. I'm not too sure which Church in the area they are from. Xin was puzzled why I would take my sweet time chatting to them, and then Joanne joined in of all people, lol. Well it was cause they were like... totally hot? I mean like totally hot and in trench coats and.. and... lol Whuuuut I'm serious!!! Kyaaa~ I was like all KYAAAA~ after when we sat down for dinnners! Okay, that and I was being polite, I'm a softy so I have trouble turning people away or slamming things in their face. Cause the guys were nice (although I heard the 'They were flirting' lines from Sha). And just wanted to talk a bit. LOL. They asked for my number but I was like "Uhh... haha, sorry to be so blunt but I don't feel comfortable giving my number to someone I met 2 minutes ago... T.T". Then he said he wouldn't either but then he gave me his number. Uhh.... *sweatdrop*
Yay, nice and simple dinner. Then I went upstairs. The internet was so slow and crappy. Went to sleep at 1 AM. It was a simple day really. I don't think I actually slept at 1 AM, I don't really know when I slept. I cried myself to sleep this night. For a few hours. Just a bit of built up pain. Hehe. Yeah, I think I'm getting over my 'anger' stage. Back to 'sadness'. I should just settle upon: forgive and forget. But I dunno, the injury is still there and it's just being left there right now. With nothing to heal it. And asking me to forget is really hard too. But everyone did say it was gonna be hard. Even the most simple things in life is a simple reminder. I do wish that I was not taken for a fool though? If everything could just be said to my face. I don't like all these secrets being held from me. It's really disrespectful. It's like... as though I am not worth telling the turth too. Better to just treat me for a fool, and let me hang there half dead like an idiot. It really is hurtful to be kept from the truth, to be lied to, and to be betrayed.
"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."
Friday 10 April 2009
Thursday 9 April 2009
It IS a smile... it has to be....
Gah. Today. Uhh... yeah. I tried to wake up at like... 3 AM but it didn't really work that well. I sort of woke up and went to sleep straight after. I tried my best with work. I skipped like... every class I have today. With that, besides the test... I have not gone to a SINGLE CLASS THIS WEEK. I can't believe myself. I skipped a 2 hour compulsory seminar and a 1 hour tutorial. Gahhh!!! For the sake of my 50% assignment. If I only snapped out of my senses like weeks ago and started weeks ago. I dug my own grave, seriously. But yes, I finished it up! And yay! FREEEDOM!! I went to uni to print it out and hand it in. Hehe.
Then I just hobbled to lunch table. Not much happening at all. I was sort of sleeping. And in a weird mood as usual. Sha came by and stuffs. And Rainy. I got sent home to sleep cause we're supposed to have an all-nighter movie marathon and I've slept like only a few hours in the past few days. I was reluctant though but yeah... I went back home by 4:30-ish?
What did I do... I tried to sleep. But... it didn't work out too well. First Yi Xin knocked on my door. When I was about to drift off. Then Aflred phoned when I was about to drift off again. Then for the third Yi Xin came by again saying whether I was ready to leave or not? LOL. Okay, so much for sleep. =.= During this little time I recall being extremely emo as usual. I've been in total recollection mode lately. Probably cause of my dreams and stuff. It doesn't really bother me too much. I'm trying to think why I can't just let go. Mind you, often my emo-ness turns to total anger these days. But you know, betrayal and trusting a liar sort of does that to you. Or so I like to think. I dunno, I think me becoming angry is a defense mechanism (aka I tell myself lies to try to convince myself to hate) cause otherwise there isn't much point to wallow in sorrow. But it doens't work after a while when I come to that realisation. I should still hate though, cause I was used, right? Right?
Near to 6 PM, me and Xin made our way towards Khanat's house! We were invited for dinner. So we bus-ed over. On the bus was Mel and Leon. Mel brought her shiny new netbook! A beautiful black eeePC! It's lovely. Hehe. Umm.. at K-man's house. Jimmy, Tom and K-man were sitting about. There was that Mimi bunny doll. It was really cute and Tom was playing with it. I want it. T.T lololol. Raine came over. And that was our lovely dinner. We had shabu shabu!! Japanese steam boat / hot pot. Never had it before. It was goooood. Lots of meaaaat! Umm.. then we sat around watching an episode of Samurai Champloo. And me and Jimmy playing Stepmania on my netbook. Then we went to Coles ~ to buy fooods. Then off to Chris' place by bus!
At the movie night. Uhh... attendance was myself, Yi Xin, Sha, Jeremy, Vu, Sam, Tom, Khanat, James, Raine, Jess, Drue, Bernie-chan and Chris himself of course! I got the couch! Shared with Xin and Jeremy (well Xin went off it after a while it was my napping spot). First movie we watched. Umm.. Idiocracy! OMG. I LOST around 20 IQ watching that. CRAP. T.T It was actually witty in a sense cause it IS satire but... omg... stupidity overload. We laughed our heads off. Yes, it is one of the dumbest movies ever! Then was OH GAWD ... more Harold and Kumar! Last movie night we saw White Castle so now it's... the second one. Gah. Yeah, I fell asleep halfway through this movie. Cause I was tired. Lost some IQ watching that one too. After that was umm... My Best Friend's Girl. I think they watched. Then a Jay Chou movie. I only saw a bit of each and fell asleep. After that I know Jeremy, Drue and Chris did not ever sleep as they all played Super Smash Brothers for the remainder of the night. I woke up to join in lol.
In the morning, lots of bad bad illicit gossip from the men. =.= Then um.. the group of us hobbled to maccas for breakfast!! And that is a post for the next day, lol.
Overall, it was a day I tried to be happy on but yeah, the pangs of sadness keep cutting into me. And I really hate it. Cause I shouldn't ever feel sad. But I do. It's really sad to watch if you ask me. It hurts so much more to know that I'm the only one feeling this too. Like, all this sadness is for nought you know. Why am I being sad? I have no idea. I can't even sit through a movie without spacing out for a bit... asking myself, why the hell are things like this? And what could I have done differently for things not to have been like this? And how things could have been so much better if they were not like this. I would always ask myself... I would probably do the same things as I am right now if I was not in this condition. If all those things did not ever happen. But, what kind of feeling would I have had if that was to happen? How much more happier would I have been? And how much more time would not have been wasted these past 2 months sitting around like this, having it so hard to breathe.
"Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It's a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you're hurt."
Then I just hobbled to lunch table. Not much happening at all. I was sort of sleeping. And in a weird mood as usual. Sha came by and stuffs. And Rainy. I got sent home to sleep cause we're supposed to have an all-nighter movie marathon and I've slept like only a few hours in the past few days. I was reluctant though but yeah... I went back home by 4:30-ish?
What did I do... I tried to sleep. But... it didn't work out too well. First Yi Xin knocked on my door. When I was about to drift off. Then Aflred phoned when I was about to drift off again. Then for the third Yi Xin came by again saying whether I was ready to leave or not? LOL. Okay, so much for sleep. =.= During this little time I recall being extremely emo as usual. I've been in total recollection mode lately. Probably cause of my dreams and stuff. It doesn't really bother me too much. I'm trying to think why I can't just let go. Mind you, often my emo-ness turns to total anger these days. But you know, betrayal and trusting a liar sort of does that to you. Or so I like to think. I dunno, I think me becoming angry is a defense mechanism (aka I tell myself lies to try to convince myself to hate) cause otherwise there isn't much point to wallow in sorrow. But it doens't work after a while when I come to that realisation. I should still hate though, cause I was used, right? Right?
Near to 6 PM, me and Xin made our way towards Khanat's house! We were invited for dinner. So we bus-ed over. On the bus was Mel and Leon. Mel brought her shiny new netbook! A beautiful black eeePC! It's lovely. Hehe. Umm.. at K-man's house. Jimmy, Tom and K-man were sitting about. There was that Mimi bunny doll. It was really cute and Tom was playing with it. I want it. T.T lololol. Raine came over. And that was our lovely dinner. We had shabu shabu!! Japanese steam boat / hot pot. Never had it before. It was goooood. Lots of meaaaat! Umm.. then we sat around watching an episode of Samurai Champloo. And me and Jimmy playing Stepmania on my netbook. Then we went to Coles ~ to buy fooods. Then off to Chris' place by bus!
At the movie night. Uhh... attendance was myself, Yi Xin, Sha, Jeremy, Vu, Sam, Tom, Khanat, James, Raine, Jess, Drue, Bernie-chan and Chris himself of course! I got the couch! Shared with Xin and Jeremy (well Xin went off it after a while it was my napping spot). First movie we watched. Umm.. Idiocracy! OMG. I LOST around 20 IQ watching that. CRAP. T.T It was actually witty in a sense cause it IS satire but... omg... stupidity overload. We laughed our heads off. Yes, it is one of the dumbest movies ever! Then was OH GAWD ... more Harold and Kumar! Last movie night we saw White Castle so now it's... the second one. Gah. Yeah, I fell asleep halfway through this movie. Cause I was tired. Lost some IQ watching that one too. After that was umm... My Best Friend's Girl. I think they watched. Then a Jay Chou movie. I only saw a bit of each and fell asleep. After that I know Jeremy, Drue and Chris did not ever sleep as they all played Super Smash Brothers for the remainder of the night. I woke up to join in lol.
In the morning, lots of bad bad illicit gossip from the men. =.= Then um.. the group of us hobbled to maccas for breakfast!! And that is a post for the next day, lol.
Overall, it was a day I tried to be happy on but yeah, the pangs of sadness keep cutting into me. And I really hate it. Cause I shouldn't ever feel sad. But I do. It's really sad to watch if you ask me. It hurts so much more to know that I'm the only one feeling this too. Like, all this sadness is for nought you know. Why am I being sad? I have no idea. I can't even sit through a movie without spacing out for a bit... asking myself, why the hell are things like this? And what could I have done differently for things not to have been like this? And how things could have been so much better if they were not like this. I would always ask myself... I would probably do the same things as I am right now if I was not in this condition. If all those things did not ever happen. But, what kind of feeling would I have had if that was to happen? How much more happier would I have been? And how much more time would not have been wasted these past 2 months sitting around like this, having it so hard to breathe.
"Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It's a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you're hurt."
Wednesday 8 April 2009
Exhaustion, confusion and a bit of everything...
Yay, taking random assignment breaks to get this little blog entry done. Be warned. Lots of profanity. As usual, I am pissed off. In the end I didn't study much for my 30% today. In the morning I got all emo again, and thinking. It was pretty bad. Once again I'm still an idiot, lol. If my friends were around me they would kick my ass (the college + high school ones - since the housemates and uni friends here aren't kicking my ass). Fuck, if it was my friend acting like me I would kick her fucking ass. I mean... seriously, it's almost been 2 fuckin' months. I'm so pathetic. Ieja asked me a week ago: "why the fuck are you sad when the other person didn't care, miss you or respect you from day one? While you're like this. Are you stupid? *sighs* And don't say they did cause you were dropped like a potato and that was the end of it. That isn't respect. When cause of this you're a mess. If they cared you wouldn't be a mess." I don't feel sick at least so even if I do go emo once in a while I don't really care anymore long as I don't feel sick. As me being emo is fine. Cause everyone is emo once in a while. But long as I can enjoy myself in the normal times with friends. Which I was struggling with weeks ago but I'm fine now in most cases. I dunno. Whatever. Seriously. Yeah. I made that post earlier. Seriously. I'll kick the next person who wants to mess with me. I should of beated someone up 2 months ago. Just to get it out. Bah. Now I'm gonna fail. I'm stupid. I'm gonna fail cause I cared too much. Dammit, why couldn't I be the one who didn't care? But hell, cause I do care I don't even want to be the one inflicting the pain and hurting the other person. But being the fucking victim is stupid. Cause now I'm gonna fail and if I fail I'm gonna fall behind ONE YEAR (not one semester) cause of core units. Shit shit shit. I need to get this out. FUCKING THIRD YEAR. SHIT. One of the most important years of uni and I'm gonna fail for once. FUCK. FUCK EMOTIONS. For making me struggle so hard to do work.
Okay. So I went to Caulfield for my test. After not studying. I sat there for one around listening to music. Then I almost fell asleep during my test. I'm awesome aren't I? I wrote such crap cause I couldn't even read the paper sometimes. I was too exhausted to read the paper. So much for passing that one. Rushed back to uni for screenings. Screenings was... meh. Uhh... I just made announcements... we showed Kannagi and POKEMON episode 1. The Pokemon was the guys idea but they had no Pokemon episodes. But I had one so episode 1 went up. Hahaha. It was excellent. I loved the moment I was like...
Celine: "As this is the last screenings run by me, I am gonna play my FAVOURITE ANIME!"
Theme song~ : "I'm gonna be the very best...." [Pokemon US theme song]
EVERYONE: WTF!!!??? O.O LOLOLOLOLOL!!!! Ahahahahaha~ whoooo~
Oh man, there were like VIPs in the JSC. And then they liked poked their head through the auditorium and SAW a group of ADULTS watched DUBBED POKEMON! I died inside. Oh yeah, we had the EGM too. It was supposed to be after the first episode of Kannagi, but some chick who tried to jump across my projector and laptop cables like pulled the cable out of the socket so everything went down. Cause I couldn't reboot fast enough and we're trapped for time I had Jimmy do the EGM during that time. We passed a motion that TJ is to be silenced, lol. Awesome-ness.
What else. Before screenings Phe-chan gave me awesome chocolate cheesecake his mum made. Hehe. I feel honoured to be one of the few who got to eat it! Um... after screenings. I dunno, I bought bubble tea... went to lunch table. Sat around. Then went to physio. Last time at physio. With this, my last 'promise' with that person is done (well besides not doing wu shu again - which I'll still stick to I suppose). Unless I fall over and hurt myself again I don't need to return to the physio again. Cools. After that library. FUCK. NO BOOKS. I'M ROYALLY SCREWED.
I went back to lunch table. No Drue or James. Gahhh. I sat around with Alan, Yi Xin and a lot of randoms. Then everyone came! Yay! Meeting time. 3 hour meeting with Xin, James, Sam and Drue. Probably the last one with them. As usual, it was loads of fun. Hehe. I mean, the guys are awesome and I <3 my committee muchies, even if we are all stressed beyond what words can explain. Camp is like a rollercoaster of... so much to do. Too many problems, too many issues. I'm gonna be a busy person during camp... even worse is when I realise that everyone has been saying they dunno anyone and etc. And I'm like... I know everyone who is coming on camp though (minus 5 people). So like.. meh, if I can know all 70 people I dun see why anyone else can't. Gonna try to bring the folks together. It means a bit of hardship for me though, past experience has told me that forcing people out of their comfort zone means quite a bit of backlash to you at times.
Uhh... I went home. At dinner on my own, sort of. The mousse I made WAS NASTY. lol. Wasted efforts. =.= Went back to room... tried to do work. Had a lot of trouble. Decided to sleep early and wake up even earlier the day after... dunno, this assignment has been disasterous cause of my emo-ness... bah, my mood swings are getting unbearable at times. It's cause I'm trying to fight, like... fight to get out of my 'I am depressed' shell. But meh... fighting means chaos. It means one second I am trying the next second I really don't want to try anymore.
It's annoying.
"Supposing you have tried and failed again and again. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call "Failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down."
Okay. So I went to Caulfield for my test. After not studying. I sat there for one around listening to music. Then I almost fell asleep during my test. I'm awesome aren't I? I wrote such crap cause I couldn't even read the paper sometimes. I was too exhausted to read the paper. So much for passing that one. Rushed back to uni for screenings. Screenings was... meh. Uhh... I just made announcements... we showed Kannagi and POKEMON episode 1. The Pokemon was the guys idea but they had no Pokemon episodes. But I had one so episode 1 went up. Hahaha. It was excellent. I loved the moment I was like...
Celine: "As this is the last screenings run by me, I am gonna play my FAVOURITE ANIME!"
Theme song~ : "I'm gonna be the very best...." [Pokemon US theme song]
EVERYONE: WTF!!!??? O.O LOLOLOLOLOL!!!! Ahahahahaha~ whoooo~
Oh man, there were like VIPs in the JSC. And then they liked poked their head through the auditorium and SAW a group of ADULTS watched DUBBED POKEMON! I died inside. Oh yeah, we had the EGM too. It was supposed to be after the first episode of Kannagi, but some chick who tried to jump across my projector and laptop cables like pulled the cable out of the socket so everything went down. Cause I couldn't reboot fast enough and we're trapped for time I had Jimmy do the EGM during that time. We passed a motion that TJ is to be silenced, lol. Awesome-ness.
What else. Before screenings Phe-chan gave me awesome chocolate cheesecake his mum made. Hehe. I feel honoured to be one of the few who got to eat it! Um... after screenings. I dunno, I bought bubble tea... went to lunch table. Sat around. Then went to physio. Last time at physio. With this, my last 'promise' with that person is done (well besides not doing wu shu again - which I'll still stick to I suppose). Unless I fall over and hurt myself again I don't need to return to the physio again. Cools. After that library. FUCK. NO BOOKS. I'M ROYALLY SCREWED.
I went back to lunch table. No Drue or James. Gahhh. I sat around with Alan, Yi Xin and a lot of randoms. Then everyone came! Yay! Meeting time. 3 hour meeting with Xin, James, Sam and Drue. Probably the last one with them. As usual, it was loads of fun. Hehe. I mean, the guys are awesome and I <3 my committee muchies, even if we are all stressed beyond what words can explain. Camp is like a rollercoaster of... so much to do. Too many problems, too many issues. I'm gonna be a busy person during camp... even worse is when I realise that everyone has been saying they dunno anyone and etc. And I'm like... I know everyone who is coming on camp though (minus 5 people). So like.. meh, if I can know all 70 people I dun see why anyone else can't. Gonna try to bring the folks together. It means a bit of hardship for me though, past experience has told me that forcing people out of their comfort zone means quite a bit of backlash to you at times.
Uhh... I went home. At dinner on my own, sort of. The mousse I made WAS NASTY. lol. Wasted efforts. =.= Went back to room... tried to do work. Had a lot of trouble. Decided to sleep early and wake up even earlier the day after... dunno, this assignment has been disasterous cause of my emo-ness... bah, my mood swings are getting unbearable at times. It's cause I'm trying to fight, like... fight to get out of my 'I am depressed' shell. But meh... fighting means chaos. It means one second I am trying the next second I really don't want to try anymore.
It's annoying.
"Supposing you have tried and failed again and again. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call "Failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down."
Tuesday 7 April 2009
Living for that brighter future...
So what happened today. Uhh... today is Sha and Phe-chan's birthday!! At midnight, me, Xin, Jia Chee, Mei Xian and Joanne were hiding in a room and went to surprise Sha (sort of) when it struck 12. It didn't work too well cause apparently Jia Chee like... phoned Sha before that asking her whether she was asleep O.o (Us: ... lol.) *headsmashes* I texted Phe-chan too! Then I continued work for another hour before sleeping for 4 hours. It was supposed to be 3 but I don't have enough strength to just live off 3 hours of sleep.
Got up at 5 AM to do work. After an hour I got all sleepy again so I just went to lay down for a half hour. I fell asleep unfortunately until 7 AM. I wish I didn't. I don't know why but in that hour I had a dream I shouldn't have. Of a better time I dearly miss. I was like... damn... I'm all emo again now, lol. You can avoid conscious thoughts in the daytime, but meh... you can't avoid dreams from showing you anything it wants to show. How annoying. But I got up and did my work as usual anyway.
Near lunch, I went to Clayton as I needed to buy a few things. 1.) was to accompany Xin to help her out. 2.) was to buy Sha + Phe's birthday cakes. I needed to get back to uni by 2 PM to do Phe's whole birthday celebration thingy. I effectively skipped all classes today (meaning 2 lectures + 1 seminar which I will probably try to replace in week 7). Xin went to Chaddy to buy Phe a gift, so I went to Clayton on my own first. Let's see... I saw Seb on the bus. Then at uni Emma came onto the bus. I saw Jason walking around Clayton also today. I finished shopping realllly fast, so I was like... meh. I decided to just pick up both cakes by myself and not wait for Xin (as she didn't need to go to Clayton besides for the cake - having bought her groceries in Chaddy also). It was a highly painful experience to drag both cakes, my bag and my groceries down Clayton road but yeah... I managed to do it.
When I got home I had to leave within 20 minutes to get to uni to make sure I have enough time to set Phe's thing up properly. Xin, Joanne and Jia Chee were at home making food for tonight. Xin came back from Chaddy showing me her gift to Phe. I was like "Oh you know... Phe likes seals!" ... Xin: ".... you should of told me that before. Not after!!!! D: D:" Uhh... I went to uni and stuffs. Since I still have my bus ticket, I took the bus. Met Damien on the bus, haha. Then we got to uni~ um... yeah. Phe's bday celebration went well!!! Hehehe. Raine mis called me before he got there and we got the cake lighted. A thanks to Sebby-kun for lighting the cake and Jeremy / Kim to cut it out and hand out slices to everyone. The strawberry cheesecake was pretty good actually *__* Yay great choice Les!! A big thanks to the people who helped us pay for it too! Namely, Yi Xin, Les, Raine, Kai Lun, James Lau, Leon and myself~ the gifts were realllly cute ~! Hahaha. So much panda-ness!!
Let's see, what else. Some random dancing in the background. I dunno why but I did HHY in front of so many ppl. T.T James like picked me up during one time and I was like FUUUUCK GAHHHH!!! I'm afraid of heights. LOL. Don't suddenly pick me up @.@ Jimmy was all mean to me today, lol. I went to hide behind Raine a lot. ^^ Since he was bullying me~ Uhh... I left around 4 when Les came since I needed to cook for tonight. I went to C&S first with Jimmy to book transport for the camp though. Saw Mun Jone inside doing stuff for MUMSU camp. They have a scheduled itinerary, lol.
At home... umm... yeah. Jia Chee wrapped me and Les' presents for Sha. I went to cook. My quiche and choco mousse. Both which didn't turn out well. While cutting tomatoes for the quiche I was like... *cut cut cut cut ... cuts through tomato onto finger* ... Me: ................. ........... ........ YI XINNN!!!! I CHOPPED MY FINGER!! WHAT DO I DOOOOO???" Yi Xin: WHUUUUUUT! OMGGG!!! *runs out* o.o blooood Yi Xin: JIA CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! And then Trine comes out with a first aid kit, washes my hand and gimmes a bandage, lol. Yay! Maybe I shouldn't of said I 'chopped' my finger, lol. Yi Xin thought I chopped my finger off. =.= It's an extremely minor cut anyway~ I just haven't been cut in ages, lol.
Anyway, my food sucked. Yi Xin made pasta bake and potato salad (earlier). Jia Chee made her radish cake dish (lo ba ko~ lol). Uhh... order of arrival. Well Thomas was around and helped us clean everything up. Raine and Lesley came over first, Raine had chicken in which Yi Xin ovened and burnt, lol. Les brought over easter chocolate for our house. ^^ Then we wondered when everyone else was gonna come. I phoned Chris one time wondering where the heck is him and Khanat and it was like...
Person: [says some gibberish I dun get]
Me: ... T.T.... uhh... riiitteeee....
Person(s): *heavy breathing and random 'noises'*
Me: ........................ T.T .....................
Khanat: *starts laughing*
=.= lol, they both made fried rice of lurrrrrve. Jimmy came over, umm.. Christina and Jay ~ V came with drinks!! Tsan came over a bit later. Valerie came over with more chicken which K-man and co. butchered, lololol. It was funny, apparently Jay phoned Sha so like... when we were trying to prepare the whole cake thing and stuff... Sha was already sitting at the stair case staring at us. Me: D: D: D: D: D: *starts jumping and shoo-ing her away* MAH SURPRISE!!! GAHHHHHHH!!!!! I think she heard Chris' voice and stuff (cause his voice is just too distinct).
Anyway, dinnner was great. Lots of foods. Hehe. We managed to finish most of it. The cake was good too. It wasn't too sweet. *__* I dunno what kinda cake it is. Marble mudcake or something, lol. A lot of photo taking during the party. Hahaha. Cas and Thomas were totally like mind boggled by why Asians MUST take photos of EVERYTHING~ Paul came over one time and was all like O.O with the people. When he left Raine was totally like...
Raine: *__* who's that???
Us: Our landlord.
Raine: That's your landlord? D: O.O
Us: Yessss.
Raine: *_____________*
Be careful, Jimmy. lolololol.
Presents!! Umm... yeah. Amanda / Joanne gave Sha three cute cute cute panties~ hehehehehe. I gave Sha a pink top from Espirit~ and Les gave her a cute little bear thiny.
Yay, then people left. Les drove Raine home. Chris drove Khanat, James and Tsan back to their places. V left earlier. Etc. I did not help clean up as I went to my room early, tried to study but failed, and in the end went to sleep. James told me to just look at notes for an hour and sleep anyway. I took the sleep approach in the end. Well, I haven't studied for English at all. But meh. Since the test is mostly interpretation and making up answers. Rather then plain memory. I might do better with a clear head with some sleep behind it.
Just for a bit of emo-ness. Today was a wonderful day. During the party at night, I would sort of pause a bit once in a while though. Cause we obviously have people missing. Stanny to name one. And...... yeah. Haha, I really need to stop thinking of the past though. Or I'll miss out on the present, eh? It was a fun short party with fun people. Just listening to Chris, Khanat and James with their homo-erotic conversations and body language and Cas / Thomas' WTF are with these Asians sort of says it all already. Musn't think of the past, eh... I guess I couldn't help it when despite having so many people there the room went silent. And I was having trouble finding things to say. It's a stark contrast I guess.
I can't remember the last time I laughed my head off at the family dinner table. When all of last year it seemed to happen on a daily basis. Almost.
Oh and I need to stop playing that song you all hear on my blog. LOL. A few weeks back, tears would always fall when I heard that little tune. No matter what. Even without any thought. Like some reaction. Probably cause of the meaning I associate with it. Now I've gone immune though. But I still like it a lot so I keep playing it. @.@ But it brings the past with me. The meaning behind the tune? It's from a game and is sort of like...
"A love that has been lost, a time that is forever gone. Having stepped through that one door and never being able to turn back - I am now stuck staring at the door that was once the past."
Something like that. The game has the chick sacrificing herself for her dearly beloved and you know, by the time the guy realised it was all toooo late. Yay for regret? =.=
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@Raine: Are you gonna be n MUISS all the time then? Where do I find you? If you do that I'll sit in MUISS too lol but I dunno most ppl there... cause I'm not Malaysian or Mauritian. Haha. Ah well, your decision. The previous post was just me flaring up momentarily. I think Sam is the best guy right now for the club. If I think about it, he's nicer then most people and cares about a lot of things more then anyone. I think expression is just the thing holding him back. Heh. It's a funny paradox really. There are a lot of seemingly 'nice' people in the club, but I can see that they make more nasty and sarcastic comments more then anyone. Then you have the people who seem more scary but are just so much more kinder on the inside. They hold everything in because they can't express themselves. Gah. Once Thursday is over with, I'll go full throttle with the camp. My last event too, eh? And last screenings today. Heh. Fine. I'll make the best of it too. The first and last time I'll ever be in a committee - an experience I'll never forget. Will enjoy my last two weeks...
Gah. The AGM is gonna be a hard one for me. I must not give into any temptation (like the requests from so many randoms to run again, lololol). But I shouldn't any way. I've done very poorly for the club all semester. The guys understand but it doesn't change the fact that I failed really... I do not deserve it. ^^;;
I need another committee after this. Haha. Should I try to contact Manifest still about the maid cafe? lololol. Whoot ~ next project time~ :D :D :D
"For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everyone you gain, you lose something else."
Got up at 5 AM to do work. After an hour I got all sleepy again so I just went to lay down for a half hour. I fell asleep unfortunately until 7 AM. I wish I didn't. I don't know why but in that hour I had a dream I shouldn't have. Of a better time I dearly miss. I was like... damn... I'm all emo again now, lol. You can avoid conscious thoughts in the daytime, but meh... you can't avoid dreams from showing you anything it wants to show. How annoying. But I got up and did my work as usual anyway.
Near lunch, I went to Clayton as I needed to buy a few things. 1.) was to accompany Xin to help her out. 2.) was to buy Sha + Phe's birthday cakes. I needed to get back to uni by 2 PM to do Phe's whole birthday celebration thingy. I effectively skipped all classes today (meaning 2 lectures + 1 seminar which I will probably try to replace in week 7). Xin went to Chaddy to buy Phe a gift, so I went to Clayton on my own first. Let's see... I saw Seb on the bus. Then at uni Emma came onto the bus. I saw Jason walking around Clayton also today. I finished shopping realllly fast, so I was like... meh. I decided to just pick up both cakes by myself and not wait for Xin (as she didn't need to go to Clayton besides for the cake - having bought her groceries in Chaddy also). It was a highly painful experience to drag both cakes, my bag and my groceries down Clayton road but yeah... I managed to do it.
When I got home I had to leave within 20 minutes to get to uni to make sure I have enough time to set Phe's thing up properly. Xin, Joanne and Jia Chee were at home making food for tonight. Xin came back from Chaddy showing me her gift to Phe. I was like "Oh you know... Phe likes seals!" ... Xin: ".... you should of told me that before. Not after!!!! D: D:" Uhh... I went to uni and stuffs. Since I still have my bus ticket, I took the bus. Met Damien on the bus, haha. Then we got to uni~ um... yeah. Phe's bday celebration went well!!! Hehehe. Raine mis called me before he got there and we got the cake lighted. A thanks to Sebby-kun for lighting the cake and Jeremy / Kim to cut it out and hand out slices to everyone. The strawberry cheesecake was pretty good actually *__* Yay great choice Les!! A big thanks to the people who helped us pay for it too! Namely, Yi Xin, Les, Raine, Kai Lun, James Lau, Leon and myself~ the gifts were realllly cute ~! Hahaha. So much panda-ness!!
Let's see, what else. Some random dancing in the background. I dunno why but I did HHY in front of so many ppl. T.T James like picked me up during one time and I was like FUUUUCK GAHHHH!!! I'm afraid of heights. LOL. Don't suddenly pick me up @.@ Jimmy was all mean to me today, lol. I went to hide behind Raine a lot. ^^ Since he was bullying me~ Uhh... I left around 4 when Les came since I needed to cook for tonight. I went to C&S first with Jimmy to book transport for the camp though. Saw Mun Jone inside doing stuff for MUMSU camp. They have a scheduled itinerary, lol.
At home... umm... yeah. Jia Chee wrapped me and Les' presents for Sha. I went to cook. My quiche and choco mousse. Both which didn't turn out well. While cutting tomatoes for the quiche I was like... *cut cut cut cut ... cuts through tomato onto finger* ... Me: ................. ........... ........ YI XINNN!!!! I CHOPPED MY FINGER!! WHAT DO I DOOOOO???" Yi Xin: WHUUUUUUT! OMGGG!!! *runs out* o.o blooood Yi Xin: JIA CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! And then Trine comes out with a first aid kit, washes my hand and gimmes a bandage, lol. Yay! Maybe I shouldn't of said I 'chopped' my finger, lol. Yi Xin thought I chopped my finger off. =.= It's an extremely minor cut anyway~ I just haven't been cut in ages, lol.
Anyway, my food sucked. Yi Xin made pasta bake and potato salad (earlier). Jia Chee made her radish cake dish (lo ba ko~ lol). Uhh... order of arrival. Well Thomas was around and helped us clean everything up. Raine and Lesley came over first, Raine had chicken in which Yi Xin ovened and burnt, lol. Les brought over easter chocolate for our house. ^^ Then we wondered when everyone else was gonna come. I phoned Chris one time wondering where the heck is him and Khanat and it was like...
Person: [says some gibberish I dun get]
Me: ... T.T.... uhh... riiitteeee....
Person(s): *heavy breathing and random 'noises'*
Me: ........................ T.T .....................
Khanat: *starts laughing*
=.= lol, they both made fried rice of lurrrrrve. Jimmy came over, umm.. Christina and Jay ~ V came with drinks!! Tsan came over a bit later. Valerie came over with more chicken which K-man and co. butchered, lololol. It was funny, apparently Jay phoned Sha so like... when we were trying to prepare the whole cake thing and stuff... Sha was already sitting at the stair case staring at us. Me: D: D: D: D: D: *starts jumping and shoo-ing her away* MAH SURPRISE!!! GAHHHHHHH!!!!! I think she heard Chris' voice and stuff (cause his voice is just too distinct).
Anyway, dinnner was great. Lots of foods. Hehe. We managed to finish most of it. The cake was good too. It wasn't too sweet. *__* I dunno what kinda cake it is. Marble mudcake or something, lol. A lot of photo taking during the party. Hahaha. Cas and Thomas were totally like mind boggled by why Asians MUST take photos of EVERYTHING~ Paul came over one time and was all like O.O with the people. When he left Raine was totally like...
Raine: *__* who's that???
Us: Our landlord.
Raine: That's your landlord? D: O.O
Us: Yessss.
Raine: *_____________*
Be careful, Jimmy. lolololol.
Presents!! Umm... yeah. Amanda / Joanne gave Sha three cute cute cute panties~ hehehehehe. I gave Sha a pink top from Espirit~ and Les gave her a cute little bear thiny.
Yay, then people left. Les drove Raine home. Chris drove Khanat, James and Tsan back to their places. V left earlier. Etc. I did not help clean up as I went to my room early, tried to study but failed, and in the end went to sleep. James told me to just look at notes for an hour and sleep anyway. I took the sleep approach in the end. Well, I haven't studied for English at all. But meh. Since the test is mostly interpretation and making up answers. Rather then plain memory. I might do better with a clear head with some sleep behind it.
Just for a bit of emo-ness. Today was a wonderful day. During the party at night, I would sort of pause a bit once in a while though. Cause we obviously have people missing. Stanny to name one. And...... yeah. Haha, I really need to stop thinking of the past though. Or I'll miss out on the present, eh? It was a fun short party with fun people. Just listening to Chris, Khanat and James with their homo-erotic conversations and body language and Cas / Thomas' WTF are with these Asians sort of says it all already. Musn't think of the past, eh... I guess I couldn't help it when despite having so many people there the room went silent. And I was having trouble finding things to say. It's a stark contrast I guess.
I can't remember the last time I laughed my head off at the family dinner table. When all of last year it seemed to happen on a daily basis. Almost.
Oh and I need to stop playing that song you all hear on my blog. LOL. A few weeks back, tears would always fall when I heard that little tune. No matter what. Even without any thought. Like some reaction. Probably cause of the meaning I associate with it. Now I've gone immune though. But I still like it a lot so I keep playing it. @.@ But it brings the past with me. The meaning behind the tune? It's from a game and is sort of like...
"A love that has been lost, a time that is forever gone. Having stepped through that one door and never being able to turn back - I am now stuck staring at the door that was once the past."
Something like that. The game has the chick sacrificing herself for her dearly beloved and you know, by the time the guy realised it was all toooo late. Yay for regret? =.=
Reply to comments...
@Raine: Are you gonna be n MUISS all the time then? Where do I find you? If you do that I'll sit in MUISS too lol but I dunno most ppl there... cause I'm not Malaysian or Mauritian. Haha. Ah well, your decision. The previous post was just me flaring up momentarily. I think Sam is the best guy right now for the club. If I think about it, he's nicer then most people and cares about a lot of things more then anyone. I think expression is just the thing holding him back. Heh. It's a funny paradox really. There are a lot of seemingly 'nice' people in the club, but I can see that they make more nasty and sarcastic comments more then anyone. Then you have the people who seem more scary but are just so much more kinder on the inside. They hold everything in because they can't express themselves. Gah. Once Thursday is over with, I'll go full throttle with the camp. My last event too, eh? And last screenings today. Heh. Fine. I'll make the best of it too. The first and last time I'll ever be in a committee - an experience I'll never forget. Will enjoy my last two weeks...
Gah. The AGM is gonna be a hard one for me. I must not give into any temptation (like the requests from so many randoms to run again, lololol). But I shouldn't any way. I've done very poorly for the club all semester. The guys understand but it doesn't change the fact that I failed really... I do not deserve it. ^^;;
I need another committee after this. Haha. Should I try to contact Manifest still about the maid cafe? lololol. Whoot ~ next project time~ :D :D :D
"For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everyone you gain, you lose something else."
Monday 6 April 2009
Is not taking this shit any longer...
The summary of today.
1.) Tears
2.) Anger + Bruises from my leg resulting in that anger
3.) Frustration
I woke up thinking about random things that didn't get anywhere. I can't remember anymore what. Oh well. Who the fuck cares, reallly. I went to uni... went to dantai practice for a bit. Went to counsellor. What a waste of time. Not going there again. I can counsel myself better, kthx. Telling me to just 'live and go on' was a load of help wasn't it? Went to apply for extension. Went to lunch table again. Was told how everyone was mad I left the marathon with Lesley to buy presents + cause she wanted to cheer me up (cause I'm a wreck, if people notice me you'll notice that I have trouble eating cause I sometimes can't even pick up the utinsels...).
Was mad at everything in general. I sat the back punching my leg. It now really hurts. Was told by so many to just get over it. Okay, fine, whatever. I can't finish my work. Yeah, I haven't done much for MCAC lately. Or so I think anyway. I dunno what I've been doing. Okay, I get it. I hope everyone has fun when they know what they're getting themselves into after I'm gone. Cause it isn't fun. It isn't fun at all.
Phe came over to comfort me. There was one time I couldn't even see the screen in front of me. Eyes was blocked by tears. Complete and utter frustration really. People wanna FUCK WITH CELINE? Hahahaha!! It's so funny.
There is one thing I can say right now.
DO NOT MESS WITH ME.
I'll show you all what the fuck I can do.
As I said to Phe today...
"This... is... all.. so... fucking... annoying. Shit."
Am someone with a lot of pride. Take after my parents. Am a person who does not like seeing everyone whisper about her. Even though I know it happens. It angers me. There is so much I wanna say but I never say it either. And finally, am someone who puts her friends before her work. I walked out cause I wanted to get presents for friends (who I will not name just yet) and spend time with someone I will otherwise not be able to spend time with. And I definitely don't regret that. It might not have been professional but... that is life. I left the event cause I knew it was gonna run regardless of whether I was there or not.
Thank you Lesley. Thank you Phe-chan. Thank you Yi Xin, Ieja and Magdalene. Enough of the excuses. I'll finish everything even if it kills me now cause you don't disrespect Celine. It makes her really angry. And I've gotten this far for a reason. Nothing ever really did fall into place for me. I got here through sheer PISSING ANNOYING FUCKING HARD WORK.
And if I think about it now. I just overreacted today. People are being nice to me, they said things nicely to me as always... but as always - I blow up cause I can't control my temper or my emotions. I must apologise to the people who I bring down with me, really. They don't deserve it. As Vu2 puts it... RAGGGEEE. LOL. I need to stop raging~
But I will try to get everything done though. Enough of the excuses, eh? And the sob stories. I'll get everything done. Yep. I shall. ^^
Reply to comments...
@ Les: I still say you're crazy, lol. D: D: No more suicide dives please...
"It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about."
1.) Tears
2.) Anger + Bruises from my leg resulting in that anger
3.) Frustration
I woke up thinking about random things that didn't get anywhere. I can't remember anymore what. Oh well. Who the fuck cares, reallly. I went to uni... went to dantai practice for a bit. Went to counsellor. What a waste of time. Not going there again. I can counsel myself better, kthx. Telling me to just 'live and go on' was a load of help wasn't it? Went to apply for extension. Went to lunch table again. Was told how everyone was mad I left the marathon with Lesley to buy presents + cause she wanted to cheer me up (cause I'm a wreck, if people notice me you'll notice that I have trouble eating cause I sometimes can't even pick up the utinsels...).
Was mad at everything in general. I sat the back punching my leg. It now really hurts. Was told by so many to just get over it. Okay, fine, whatever. I can't finish my work. Yeah, I haven't done much for MCAC lately. Or so I think anyway. I dunno what I've been doing. Okay, I get it. I hope everyone has fun when they know what they're getting themselves into after I'm gone. Cause it isn't fun. It isn't fun at all.
Phe came over to comfort me. There was one time I couldn't even see the screen in front of me. Eyes was blocked by tears. Complete and utter frustration really. People wanna FUCK WITH CELINE? Hahahaha!! It's so funny.
There is one thing I can say right now.
DO NOT MESS WITH ME.
I'll show you all what the fuck I can do.
As I said to Phe today...
"This... is... all.. so... fucking... annoying. Shit."
Am someone with a lot of pride. Take after my parents. Am a person who does not like seeing everyone whisper about her. Even though I know it happens. It angers me. There is so much I wanna say but I never say it either. And finally, am someone who puts her friends before her work. I walked out cause I wanted to get presents for friends (who I will not name just yet) and spend time with someone I will otherwise not be able to spend time with. And I definitely don't regret that. It might not have been professional but... that is life. I left the event cause I knew it was gonna run regardless of whether I was there or not.
Thank you Lesley. Thank you Phe-chan. Thank you Yi Xin, Ieja and Magdalene. Enough of the excuses. I'll finish everything even if it kills me now cause you don't disrespect Celine. It makes her really angry. And I've gotten this far for a reason. Nothing ever really did fall into place for me. I got here through sheer PISSING ANNOYING FUCKING HARD WORK.
And if I think about it now. I just overreacted today. People are being nice to me, they said things nicely to me as always... but as always - I blow up cause I can't control my temper or my emotions. I must apologise to the people who I bring down with me, really. They don't deserve it. As Vu2 puts it... RAGGGEEE. LOL. I need to stop raging~
But I will try to get everything done though. Enough of the excuses, eh? And the sob stories. I'll get everything done. Yep. I shall. ^^
Reply to comments...
@ Les: I still say you're crazy, lol. D: D: No more suicide dives please...
"It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about."
Sunday 5 April 2009
Indifference that made a difference...
So I woke up and saw Mag post on MSN to me something along the lines of that... I must really want to be bitch slapped. Yeah, that's probably true. *sighs* I wasted 4 hours in the morning moping, thinking, contemplating, and the usual. When I should do my assignment. I am such a fool I swear. The only thing I can say is that despite the apparent emo-ness of the morning, I recovered myself quite well. Rather then being 'sick' as usual, I was like... oh, FUCK IT got up, took a shower and prepared myself for the marathon. I wonder if this is an improvement? Things are not affecting me as much.
Went down to cut fruit with Yi Xin. Both did some apples and melons. Then we made our way towards the venue. Uhh... the guys were there already. We set up and all that kinda crap. It was pretty good spread actually. I liked how the table was full of healthy food, lol. Rather then just plain snacks. I sat around with Damien for a bit holding the rego table. Talked to people and stuff. Ashleigh made chocolates in a basket, which were cool. I watched like only 5 minutes of anime in the marathon. Bobobo- bobo bo whatever crap?? It was so random I walked out before my low IQ got even lower. @.@ I know that anime was screened cause Remy threatened to stab Drue or something if he didn't do it. He screened it to save his life, lol. Past 3 PM, Lesley came and we left together to Chaddy.
I am not sure whether I should of run off from the marathon. I do not think that many people were happy. And people were apparently looking for me. But *shrugs* Whatever. I had a fun time in Chaddy with Les. That's all that matters. Let's see... we were looking for presents. I won't say for who in case those people end up reading my blog. But we had an awesome time running around looking for stuff. I'm flat broke though. We ran into Bernie-chan momentarily while we were there. Um... had Koko Black~ I finally had some Koko Black~ I never got any while in Aus. I always seemed to miss out when people went. Well, I went to Max Brennor but I think I prefer Koko Black over Max Brennor? I got sick from the Iced Chocolate though... GAH... overload. Choco overload. Past 5 PM we had to make our way back (after I got calls while in Toys R Us from Sam, Raine and etc). Uhh.. David Jones was about to close and we like... need to get through there to get to Les' car. The door... was sliding down and Les like did those action movie suicide dives (okay more like a slide) toward the door slowly going down. I was like.... "Lesley!!! THAT'S DANGEROUS!!! O.O" The person on the other end got pissed cause it is dangerous when you're about to close the store and this person ducks and slides under it. They stopped after that and I just slowly poked my head under. If they didn't stop I wouldn't of dived. I would of been like LOL... I'm in the mall and Lesley is in David Jones.
Then we went back. I'm sorry Sam for never telling you where I went and disappearing. LOL. Uhhh... what else. Yeah, I sort of skipped dinner. We sat around and stuffs. I like how the committee sat around looking miserable while everyone else was eating happily. I sort of jumped in between both groups since when I walked around a bit Phe or someone would grab me. I made an annoucement for T-shirt comp~ new design is pretty awesome. Uhh.. it was phailure on my part just cause like... I made a powerpoint but... I accidentally screened it to everyone before doing the big surprise. *sniffs* After that... I sat around trying to do my assignment. Or talk to randoms outside.
I wasn't in the best moods at night unfortunately, which lead me to... leave the marathon venue at night in the dark. And I took a walk. I went back cause when I took a walk, I saw a group of people. Then I was like OH FUCK, cause you know... I dun wanna be mugged. T.T Then some guy was like "Excuse me..." and I'm like... OH FUCK even more. T.T Luckily he was like "Can I ask you where Lot 10 is??", he was talking about Buliding 10, the Campus Centre. Okay, cool. And he went off with his group. *phew* I then just went back to those benches by the library I enjoyed sitting on. I used to sit on them after MUST sessions because after MUST I was always emo. And I always sat around on those benches to enjoy the cold air, the night sky and the quietness (tranquility~). It's a really peaceful place. At night. I like looking at it, the trees, the sound of the wind... the beautiful night sky - dark and empty. Am wondering when I'll be able to see stars again. Even if the stars were there I don't think I can see it still. Things will remain empty for a while with me anyway. I'm the night sky, and I don't have any stars to fill it up just yet. Because mine walked away from me as I wasn't good enough, eh?
Xin came out to look for me since as always I trouble her by suddenly disappearing when I see fit. I know she was freezing, cause I sat them without moving in freezing wind. I'm sorry hun... temperature doesn't really affect me as much these days. I sort of grew indifferent to a lot of things. It's how like when it was over 30, I was wearing a jacket. I was like... it's hot? Huh, really? Or when it's cold... I could walk around without one if I wanted to. I randomly hurt myself and don't notice these days either. Sad really. We sort of talked a bit. I dunno, talking that doesn't really get anywhere. Didn't make me feel better or worse. I wasn't really that bad anyway, a bit sarcastic. A bit humourous. Lesley took great effort to make me feel happy today, so I didn't want to ruin that good feeling. I mean I did but that's cause I should of just continued ignoring things during the night dinner. Dammit, I should of like turned the volume on my mp3 higher. And wish my laptop didn't die from battery (and for the power plug to break down - requiring me to run around looking for another one). To be honest, I would have to say that I think it is way awkward and a bit stupid to have two people walk in and to have myself only greet one of them and ignore the other one so obviously. As someone as kindly put to me, they think we are both such children and that I am acting like such a kid. =.= *le sighs~* I dunno what people are expecting of me though. To be absolutely overjoyed? Should I?
I went back in with Xin eventually cause I was worried she would freeze. Uhh... Zac came! Which was nice. Won't see him for a while since he's in a design competition. I sat around talking to Zac for a bit... let's see. Practiced dance with Andrew. EVERYTHING WE WORKED ON FRIDAY WAS FOR WASTE! Gahhh. We're starting over again. Cause BoA's "Eat You Up" has two versions of the dance. We learned the American which is easier. Now that we have a video for the Korean version... oh, man. T.T *sobs* It does look cooler. We have a week to learn as we wanna get a performance up by camp.
Nearer to 8 PM me and Xin started to pack up. Then... yeah. Damien drove us home (I was worried we would have to walk home but then we got like "Do you wanna lift home?" offers from like James, Drue, Ashleigh and etc.) Hehe. Yeah, the night was quiet. I just worked on a few thins, MCAC bits and pieces. And went to sleep. Got woken up nearer to 1 AM cause Jia Chee's heater set off the fire alarm. Gahhh~!!! The noise.
Overall day? It was fine. It was pleasant. Greatest ups was the afternoon. Hehe, thanks Les. Yeah, I really DID have fun with you in Chaddy. It was awesome. Let's do that again sometime. ^^ Next week is Great Ocean Road Trip anyway! Yay-ness~ as for my night. I need to work on that, eh? Can't let myself become sad all of a sudden. Silly silly me. Yeah, I am gonna get my ass kicked soon by certain friends if I don't do something. My one week... cut off date is about to complete itself too. Oh dear. T.T
"Smile, even if it's a sad smile, because sadder than a sad smile is the sadness of not knowing how to smile."
Went down to cut fruit with Yi Xin. Both did some apples and melons. Then we made our way towards the venue. Uhh... the guys were there already. We set up and all that kinda crap. It was pretty good spread actually. I liked how the table was full of healthy food, lol. Rather then just plain snacks. I sat around with Damien for a bit holding the rego table. Talked to people and stuff. Ashleigh made chocolates in a basket, which were cool. I watched like only 5 minutes of anime in the marathon. Bobobo- bobo bo whatever crap?? It was so random I walked out before my low IQ got even lower. @.@ I know that anime was screened cause Remy threatened to stab Drue or something if he didn't do it. He screened it to save his life, lol. Past 3 PM, Lesley came and we left together to Chaddy.
I am not sure whether I should of run off from the marathon. I do not think that many people were happy. And people were apparently looking for me. But *shrugs* Whatever. I had a fun time in Chaddy with Les. That's all that matters. Let's see... we were looking for presents. I won't say for who in case those people end up reading my blog. But we had an awesome time running around looking for stuff. I'm flat broke though. We ran into Bernie-chan momentarily while we were there. Um... had Koko Black~ I finally had some Koko Black~ I never got any while in Aus. I always seemed to miss out when people went. Well, I went to Max Brennor but I think I prefer Koko Black over Max Brennor? I got sick from the Iced Chocolate though... GAH... overload. Choco overload. Past 5 PM we had to make our way back (after I got calls while in Toys R Us from Sam, Raine and etc). Uhh.. David Jones was about to close and we like... need to get through there to get to Les' car. The door... was sliding down and Les like did those action movie suicide dives (okay more like a slide) toward the door slowly going down. I was like.... "Lesley!!! THAT'S DANGEROUS!!! O.O" The person on the other end got pissed cause it is dangerous when you're about to close the store and this person ducks and slides under it. They stopped after that and I just slowly poked my head under. If they didn't stop I wouldn't of dived. I would of been like LOL... I'm in the mall and Lesley is in David Jones.
Then we went back. I'm sorry Sam for never telling you where I went and disappearing. LOL. Uhhh... what else. Yeah, I sort of skipped dinner. We sat around and stuffs. I like how the committee sat around looking miserable while everyone else was eating happily. I sort of jumped in between both groups since when I walked around a bit Phe or someone would grab me. I made an annoucement for T-shirt comp~ new design is pretty awesome. Uhh.. it was phailure on my part just cause like... I made a powerpoint but... I accidentally screened it to everyone before doing the big surprise. *sniffs* After that... I sat around trying to do my assignment. Or talk to randoms outside.
I wasn't in the best moods at night unfortunately, which lead me to... leave the marathon venue at night in the dark. And I took a walk. I went back cause when I took a walk, I saw a group of people. Then I was like OH FUCK, cause you know... I dun wanna be mugged. T.T Then some guy was like "Excuse me..." and I'm like... OH FUCK even more. T.T Luckily he was like "Can I ask you where Lot 10 is??", he was talking about Buliding 10, the Campus Centre. Okay, cool. And he went off with his group. *phew* I then just went back to those benches by the library I enjoyed sitting on. I used to sit on them after MUST sessions because after MUST I was always emo. And I always sat around on those benches to enjoy the cold air, the night sky and the quietness (tranquility~). It's a really peaceful place. At night. I like looking at it, the trees, the sound of the wind... the beautiful night sky - dark and empty. Am wondering when I'll be able to see stars again. Even if the stars were there I don't think I can see it still. Things will remain empty for a while with me anyway. I'm the night sky, and I don't have any stars to fill it up just yet. Because mine walked away from me as I wasn't good enough, eh?
Xin came out to look for me since as always I trouble her by suddenly disappearing when I see fit. I know she was freezing, cause I sat them without moving in freezing wind. I'm sorry hun... temperature doesn't really affect me as much these days. I sort of grew indifferent to a lot of things. It's how like when it was over 30, I was wearing a jacket. I was like... it's hot? Huh, really? Or when it's cold... I could walk around without one if I wanted to. I randomly hurt myself and don't notice these days either. Sad really. We sort of talked a bit. I dunno, talking that doesn't really get anywhere. Didn't make me feel better or worse. I wasn't really that bad anyway, a bit sarcastic. A bit humourous. Lesley took great effort to make me feel happy today, so I didn't want to ruin that good feeling. I mean I did but that's cause I should of just continued ignoring things during the night dinner. Dammit, I should of like turned the volume on my mp3 higher. And wish my laptop didn't die from battery (and for the power plug to break down - requiring me to run around looking for another one). To be honest, I would have to say that I think it is way awkward and a bit stupid to have two people walk in and to have myself only greet one of them and ignore the other one so obviously. As someone as kindly put to me, they think we are both such children and that I am acting like such a kid. =.= *le sighs~* I dunno what people are expecting of me though. To be absolutely overjoyed? Should I?
I went back in with Xin eventually cause I was worried she would freeze. Uhh... Zac came! Which was nice. Won't see him for a while since he's in a design competition. I sat around talking to Zac for a bit... let's see. Practiced dance with Andrew. EVERYTHING WE WORKED ON FRIDAY WAS FOR WASTE! Gahhh. We're starting over again. Cause BoA's "Eat You Up" has two versions of the dance. We learned the American which is easier. Now that we have a video for the Korean version... oh, man. T.T *sobs* It does look cooler. We have a week to learn as we wanna get a performance up by camp.
Nearer to 8 PM me and Xin started to pack up. Then... yeah. Damien drove us home (I was worried we would have to walk home but then we got like "Do you wanna lift home?" offers from like James, Drue, Ashleigh and etc.) Hehe. Yeah, the night was quiet. I just worked on a few thins, MCAC bits and pieces. And went to sleep. Got woken up nearer to 1 AM cause Jia Chee's heater set off the fire alarm. Gahhh~!!! The noise.
Overall day? It was fine. It was pleasant. Greatest ups was the afternoon. Hehe, thanks Les. Yeah, I really DID have fun with you in Chaddy. It was awesome. Let's do that again sometime. ^^ Next week is Great Ocean Road Trip anyway! Yay-ness~ as for my night. I need to work on that, eh? Can't let myself become sad all of a sudden. Silly silly me. Yeah, I am gonna get my ass kicked soon by certain friends if I don't do something. My one week... cut off date is about to complete itself too. Oh dear. T.T
"Smile, even if it's a sad smile, because sadder than a sad smile is the sadness of not knowing how to smile."
Saturday 4 April 2009
The blur between the lie and the truth...
I woke up in contemplation. Not in a really sad way... I was just thinking. I don't even remember what I was thinking about now, I know I didn't get up upset though. Maybe I'm starting to be glad that I'm getting indifferent to everything now. Or I think my mind is. I think my heart is still screaming though cause I seem to find tears randomly going down my face at times when I'm not even thinking of anything in particular. The mind is blocking out emotions, but the soul is crying within. Or something like that. Maybe I should stop trying to sound poetic. And failing at it. LOL. XD I am not too sure really. Ieja said that she knows regardless of anything, I'll grow indifferent. But I may always feel pangs of sadness because the scar is already there. Buried deep. And isn't going to go away. Just what I need. More scars in my life. I can see myself going spastic over things like this that haunt me for life. As do things from 5 years ago still haunt me to this day. Or things from 10 years ago. Sad really...
The blur between what is a lie and what is the truth. I honestly don't know what is a truth. So I can only make my own assumptions. And continue with them. As I know some people want to keep things away from me. If ignorance is bliss, I do hope it is bliss then. But right now, I cannot see anything worse then betrayal, you know? And that is the truth my mind is set on, unless someone tells me otherwise. To be ignorant also brings me even more pain too. And I do wonder why things must be hidden from me. Is everything really even worse then I think it is? Wow... I dunno how much more worse it can be. How much more can one hurt me? And with that... I'm not to sure where to go on from there. I would preferably just continue to hate, and to hate myself for trusting lies. But it really isn't my personality to hate... or to hold a grudge... it just isn't me.
I wish it was. It would be so much easier to just hate.
It's the crappiest feeling in the world to have everyone tell you to hate that person, for you youself to tell yourself to hate that person, for that person probably hates you too - but for you yourself to not be able to do that. And to have so many people get mad because you can't do that. It makes you feel really alone. It's such a shitty feeling...
Uhh... I woke up around 4 hours later then I should of. Bah. Went to Clayton for lunch with the awesome foursome (aka me, Sha, Xin and Jia Chee), I had like 'Mie Ayam' for lunch. It was like badly cooked kolo mee with too much MSG in it. I miss my kolo mee... apparently Xin doen't know what kolo mee is... is it a Sarawak thing? o.o Gotta buy them kolo mee if they ever come to Borneo...
I was on another of my hyper moods during the shopping time. I ran around going "Xin!!!!" every 2 minutes pointing odd things out to buy, lol. When I'm all hyperactive, I'm never really sure what is going on. I should look that up in my textbook. Cause I know it may seem like I'm happy, technically it is a much better feeling then just being emo - but something is still off. I wouldn't call it plainly being happy. Something is wrong. Not sure what. I still think maybe it is me being confused with whether I am happy or sad. Or more like I am trying so hard to be happy that my mind snaps under the pressure... but that doesn't sound right either. Since when I snap under the pressure of 'trying' to be happy, I know what I do. And that's when I turn really nasty and sarcastic to everyone (happened a lot a week or two back).
Besides buying fruits + veggies for MCAC Marathon tomorrow, all I bought today was... chocolate. Haha. I didn't want to buy actual food. *shrugs* My mp3 player ran out of battery again, I need to charge it longer. LOL. It was okay cause I was with other people but I really must make sure it doesn't run out when I'm alone. Cause I can't stay alone without anything buzzing around my mind for too long. Then I freak. It's one of the main reasons why I want to go to a counsellor. Cause I can identify my own problems but I'm not too sure what to do from there. And I'm sort of afraid of what will happen if I end up developing any other psychological disorders...
Spent over an hour cutting two bags of carrots for tomorrow. *sigh* Another long day tomorrow. I am hoping I can get out of the marathon. Either to study or stick with my original plan of heading out somewhere more fun with Lesley... I dunno though. Might have a meeting tomorrow. *sigh 2* I'm gonna miss the committee so badly. It's a burden gone but... I'm gonna feel like I've really lost my place any where once it's over. I know I will. I'm worried I'm gonna develop identity crisis. The perceived self, the ideal self, the observed self... which one is me? And which one should I be so that everyone will accept me? I don't wanna be thrown away anymore... scared beyond scared of the AGM coming. I'm actually confident that if I run again, I can get re-elected somewhere (or for any position, seriously - well cept for lib/treas.. can't beat Drue and James in that lol). But... no. I can't. My time is over with MCAC... gotta leave it to the new people. I know that.
Akmal came over momentarily. Gave me chocolate. I tried to work on my 50% assignment. It's hard. I can't believe half my grades is based on a one sentence instruction. I'm like... DUDE WTF.
I had trouble working as usual. I ended up just laying in darkness for 40 minutes without moving for a second. And I did not even think much during that time. The time just went by. I dunno what I was trying to do really. I wasn't even really sad. I just stopped moving altogether. *shrugs* It's odd really. The tricks life play on you. There are so many straws for me to grasp, yet I keep looking for that one short one. It's pathetic. Cause I would drop all that straws for that one short one. But then I realise that the short one was never there to begin with.
Dinner was... instant noodle goodness! And yummy cream puffs from Xin from BreadTop. Yum yum. After dinner... I dunno. I couldn't concentrate. Which is bad.. really. Really bad. Didn't do very much at all. Ah well. Gotta get this done no matter what. Even without sleep or whatever. I hope I finish... or at least start it! LOL. I can't believe I haven't started my essay due on Thursday... I should go shoot myself. Seriously.
"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for."
The blur between what is a lie and what is the truth. I honestly don't know what is a truth. So I can only make my own assumptions. And continue with them. As I know some people want to keep things away from me. If ignorance is bliss, I do hope it is bliss then. But right now, I cannot see anything worse then betrayal, you know? And that is the truth my mind is set on, unless someone tells me otherwise. To be ignorant also brings me even more pain too. And I do wonder why things must be hidden from me. Is everything really even worse then I think it is? Wow... I dunno how much more worse it can be. How much more can one hurt me? And with that... I'm not to sure where to go on from there. I would preferably just continue to hate, and to hate myself for trusting lies. But it really isn't my personality to hate... or to hold a grudge... it just isn't me.
I wish it was. It would be so much easier to just hate.
It's the crappiest feeling in the world to have everyone tell you to hate that person, for you youself to tell yourself to hate that person, for that person probably hates you too - but for you yourself to not be able to do that. And to have so many people get mad because you can't do that. It makes you feel really alone. It's such a shitty feeling...
Uhh... I woke up around 4 hours later then I should of. Bah. Went to Clayton for lunch with the awesome foursome (aka me, Sha, Xin and Jia Chee), I had like 'Mie Ayam' for lunch. It was like badly cooked kolo mee with too much MSG in it. I miss my kolo mee... apparently Xin doen't know what kolo mee is... is it a Sarawak thing? o.o Gotta buy them kolo mee if they ever come to Borneo...
I was on another of my hyper moods during the shopping time. I ran around going "Xin!!!!" every 2 minutes pointing odd things out to buy, lol. When I'm all hyperactive, I'm never really sure what is going on. I should look that up in my textbook. Cause I know it may seem like I'm happy, technically it is a much better feeling then just being emo - but something is still off. I wouldn't call it plainly being happy. Something is wrong. Not sure what. I still think maybe it is me being confused with whether I am happy or sad. Or more like I am trying so hard to be happy that my mind snaps under the pressure... but that doesn't sound right either. Since when I snap under the pressure of 'trying' to be happy, I know what I do. And that's when I turn really nasty and sarcastic to everyone (happened a lot a week or two back).
Besides buying fruits + veggies for MCAC Marathon tomorrow, all I bought today was... chocolate. Haha. I didn't want to buy actual food. *shrugs* My mp3 player ran out of battery again, I need to charge it longer. LOL. It was okay cause I was with other people but I really must make sure it doesn't run out when I'm alone. Cause I can't stay alone without anything buzzing around my mind for too long. Then I freak. It's one of the main reasons why I want to go to a counsellor. Cause I can identify my own problems but I'm not too sure what to do from there. And I'm sort of afraid of what will happen if I end up developing any other psychological disorders...
Spent over an hour cutting two bags of carrots for tomorrow. *sigh* Another long day tomorrow. I am hoping I can get out of the marathon. Either to study or stick with my original plan of heading out somewhere more fun with Lesley... I dunno though. Might have a meeting tomorrow. *sigh 2* I'm gonna miss the committee so badly. It's a burden gone but... I'm gonna feel like I've really lost my place any where once it's over. I know I will. I'm worried I'm gonna develop identity crisis. The perceived self, the ideal self, the observed self... which one is me? And which one should I be so that everyone will accept me? I don't wanna be thrown away anymore... scared beyond scared of the AGM coming. I'm actually confident that if I run again, I can get re-elected somewhere (or for any position, seriously - well cept for lib/treas.. can't beat Drue and James in that lol). But... no. I can't. My time is over with MCAC... gotta leave it to the new people. I know that.
Akmal came over momentarily. Gave me chocolate. I tried to work on my 50% assignment. It's hard. I can't believe half my grades is based on a one sentence instruction. I'm like... DUDE WTF.
I had trouble working as usual. I ended up just laying in darkness for 40 minutes without moving for a second. And I did not even think much during that time. The time just went by. I dunno what I was trying to do really. I wasn't even really sad. I just stopped moving altogether. *shrugs* It's odd really. The tricks life play on you. There are so many straws for me to grasp, yet I keep looking for that one short one. It's pathetic. Cause I would drop all that straws for that one short one. But then I realise that the short one was never there to begin with.
Dinner was... instant noodle goodness! And yummy cream puffs from Xin from BreadTop. Yum yum. After dinner... I dunno. I couldn't concentrate. Which is bad.. really. Really bad. Didn't do very much at all. Ah well. Gotta get this done no matter what. Even without sleep or whatever. I hope I finish... or at least start it! LOL. I can't believe I haven't started my essay due on Thursday... I should go shoot myself. Seriously.
"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for."
Friday 3 April 2009
A light in the far off distance...
This morning was actually pretty hilarious. Not funny in the funny way, just funny in the "Celine you are a moron" way. I was really sick again, and I should clarify what I mean by 'sick' when I say I am 'sick'. Not physically sick, just that I have this nasty feeling of a.) wanting to throw up, b.) my heartbeat/pulse is irregular - too fast, c.) I feel like I want to just hide under my blanket and never come out again, d.) I feel like it would be nice if time would just stop. Anyway, it was hilarious cause I have a practice test due today which I never did. I felt like I was really gonna throw up but there isn't anything for me to throw up (c'mon, I've eaten so little, lol) so I did everything I could to sit upright and start typing. And reading things. And thinking as fast as I could. Honestly, if I pass my units this sem I would give myself a pat on the back for like... spending 10 minutes doing what other people spend hours doing. I dunno whether the crap I type up out of my head amounts to anything though... for 3rd year units. Ah well, if I fail anything this sem I'll just have to explain to mum... and stay for the summer this year to catch up. I just pray that it isn't an Education unit because... I cannot fail my core units. Or I'm screwed. Since you can't catch those up in summer... and my grades will probably be too low to overload.
Yeah... so I hobbled to Caulfield. Got my way through class... thankfully. @.@ Then after class I spent like one and a half hours in the Caulfield library catching up and chatting with Ieja. She says some pretty awesome things, hehe. Cause of my eating problem she like made me cakes the day before and forced me to eat two of them, lol. They were really good. ^^ Cause of her my spirits were really lifted and I spent almost rest of the day in a relatively good mood. :D It was nice. I didn't have that 'sick' feeling. I need to keep what it was that I had today going through all my days. I need to remember some of the stuff Ieja and everyone else was telling me too. She said she didn't understand why I was sad. I had too much to be happy for. And I said I know. I know I have too much to be happy for. I dont' know why I'm sad either...
As Jia Chee said...
"Be happy Celine. Good things happen to you when you're happy." right? I just need to always remember that. If I feel happy better things will happen in life. I know it will...
Ieja sort of said that if I wasn't okay by the next time I see her (perhaps next week) she's gonna bitch slap me. Ehehehe. As today was a pleasant day no more emo-ness in this post. So yeah, then I went back to uni all hyper~ and went to lunch table TO FINISH MY PRACTICE TEST. *sobs* I didn't know how to do one part of it... so I was like... Sammmmm!!! Who helped me out. Then I went to join the DBSK dance people cause I wanted to practice too! Hahaha. OMG, we danced for like one and a half hours I think!! It was a lot of fun. Or I thought it was a lot of fun. I know Alan said it was a lot of fun. So that's good at least. That the both of us were happy to be there. We were WAYYY tired though. So yeah, it was an awesome time practicing with Kimmie, Alan, Andrew, Lee, Sam2 and Sebby~ :D
I sux majorly though!! Hahaha. Kim like did 'personal' tests with everyone and graded me the highest surprisingly (BWAHAHAHA TAKE THAT!!) I got a "B"! Next highest was Lee who got a "B-" but like... Lee only started learning today. And he was really good. Picked it up fast. For me, it's my 3rd day already... lol.
At night when I was talking to Alan on MSN, he said that he just realised he looks like a retard while dancing. I said the same thing too since I checked myself in the mirror! YESSS! WE BOTH LOOKED LIKE RETARDS WHILE PRACTICING IN FRONT OF THAT MANY PEOPLE!!! Go usss! *hi5*~
So yeah, then the funny crap happens. So everyone goes home. I sit around with Phe-chan. Then um... even more people home. And we have an insane time with K-man, Steve, Rachel, Amanda (uhh the other one.. okay from now on Amanda refers to Amanda Tjiupek while the previous person I would call Amanda is now my housemate: Yi Xin - lol or it'll be confusing). So yeah, Amanda came back from Squash practice and had her racket. So K-man and Steve were doing Prince of Tennis style moves with an invisible ball (and one racket). They looked insane, there were videos taken... everyone in the remaining area was staring O.O. Hahahahaha!!! Good times, good times. Mel comes along who has to wait until 7 PM in uni for Zac. I was gonna head out to dinner with K-man later on with my housemates so I asked Mel to hang with us until then. So we both walked home chatting about things. Which is nice because I've never really talked to Mel (or any of the other girls - I mean I didn't befriend most people - right now I still only talk to Vu2 and Alan so *shrugs*). So it was really nice! ^^
Then umm... Mel, me, Joanne, Mei Xian and Jia Chee went to Clayton!! Sha stayed home and Yi Xin was at Jono's. Whlie there we were waiting for Khanat while Mel was waiting for Zac (who was wandering around OfficeWorks?? lol). When Khanat came I just hobbled to OfficeWorks with Mel to 'punch' Zac since Mel said to do it. Hahaha. Okay, that was a pathetic punch. :P Dinner was at La Porchetta. I never really ate their properly. It was good. We went home and um... I was just practicing dance and stuff. So was Jia Chee and Sha. ^^ Then I went to sleep cause I was realllllly realllllly tired.
All in all, it was a good day after I got over some of the initial thoughts. My mornings still tend to be really rough so I need to decide what I wanna do from there to help myself. But yeah... more pondering tomorrow perhaps...
"It was only a sunny smile and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living."
Yeah... so I hobbled to Caulfield. Got my way through class... thankfully. @.@ Then after class I spent like one and a half hours in the Caulfield library catching up and chatting with Ieja. She says some pretty awesome things, hehe. Cause of my eating problem she like made me cakes the day before and forced me to eat two of them, lol. They were really good. ^^ Cause of her my spirits were really lifted and I spent almost rest of the day in a relatively good mood. :D It was nice. I didn't have that 'sick' feeling. I need to keep what it was that I had today going through all my days. I need to remember some of the stuff Ieja and everyone else was telling me too. She said she didn't understand why I was sad. I had too much to be happy for. And I said I know. I know I have too much to be happy for. I dont' know why I'm sad either...
As Jia Chee said...
"Be happy Celine. Good things happen to you when you're happy." right? I just need to always remember that. If I feel happy better things will happen in life. I know it will...
Ieja sort of said that if I wasn't okay by the next time I see her (perhaps next week) she's gonna bitch slap me. Ehehehe. As today was a pleasant day no more emo-ness in this post. So yeah, then I went back to uni all hyper~ and went to lunch table TO FINISH MY PRACTICE TEST. *sobs* I didn't know how to do one part of it... so I was like... Sammmmm!!! Who helped me out. Then I went to join the DBSK dance people cause I wanted to practice too! Hahaha. OMG, we danced for like one and a half hours I think!! It was a lot of fun. Or I thought it was a lot of fun. I know Alan said it was a lot of fun. So that's good at least. That the both of us were happy to be there. We were WAYYY tired though. So yeah, it was an awesome time practicing with Kimmie, Alan, Andrew, Lee, Sam2 and Sebby~ :D
I sux majorly though!! Hahaha. Kim like did 'personal' tests with everyone and graded me the highest surprisingly (BWAHAHAHA TAKE THAT!!) I got a "B"! Next highest was Lee who got a "B-" but like... Lee only started learning today. And he was really good. Picked it up fast. For me, it's my 3rd day already... lol.
At night when I was talking to Alan on MSN, he said that he just realised he looks like a retard while dancing. I said the same thing too since I checked myself in the mirror! YESSS! WE BOTH LOOKED LIKE RETARDS WHILE PRACTICING IN FRONT OF THAT MANY PEOPLE!!! Go usss! *hi5*~
So yeah, then the funny crap happens. So everyone goes home. I sit around with Phe-chan. Then um... even more people home. And we have an insane time with K-man, Steve, Rachel, Amanda (uhh the other one.. okay from now on Amanda refers to Amanda Tjiupek while the previous person I would call Amanda is now my housemate: Yi Xin - lol or it'll be confusing). So yeah, Amanda came back from Squash practice and had her racket. So K-man and Steve were doing Prince of Tennis style moves with an invisible ball (and one racket). They looked insane, there were videos taken... everyone in the remaining area was staring O.O. Hahahahaha!!! Good times, good times. Mel comes along who has to wait until 7 PM in uni for Zac. I was gonna head out to dinner with K-man later on with my housemates so I asked Mel to hang with us until then. So we both walked home chatting about things. Which is nice because I've never really talked to Mel (or any of the other girls - I mean I didn't befriend most people - right now I still only talk to Vu2 and Alan so *shrugs*). So it was really nice! ^^
Then umm... Mel, me, Joanne, Mei Xian and Jia Chee went to Clayton!! Sha stayed home and Yi Xin was at Jono's. Whlie there we were waiting for Khanat while Mel was waiting for Zac (who was wandering around OfficeWorks?? lol). When Khanat came I just hobbled to OfficeWorks with Mel to 'punch' Zac since Mel said to do it. Hahaha. Okay, that was a pathetic punch. :P Dinner was at La Porchetta. I never really ate their properly. It was good. We went home and um... I was just practicing dance and stuff. So was Jia Chee and Sha. ^^ Then I went to sleep cause I was realllllly realllllly tired.
All in all, it was a good day after I got over some of the initial thoughts. My mornings still tend to be really rough so I need to decide what I wanna do from there to help myself. But yeah... more pondering tomorrow perhaps...
"It was only a sunny smile and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living."
Thursday 2 April 2009
A reality that I can't see...
And my days of being a moron continues. I shall take a more humorous approach to the post as I am in better moods today (probably cause I didn't have to go to Caulfield... I have an aversion to that place to be honest...). Well, sort of. I got up and my usual morning of emo-ness was cut short cause I had to do a bit of work. Which I tried to do. But I was sleepy since I only slept for a couple of hours. I went to class... uhh... it was sort of nice in Education. I went in 5 minutes late and everyone was already seated and waiting for class to start, and all the tables were almost full. Cept for a random seat or two. Now, I don't have any friends really... so I was sort of... meh, having that "ah shit..." feeling cause I didn't know where to go. Great thing about Education is that it's true I don't have friends but social exclusion doens't really happen cause everyone is an educator - we specialise in not only teaching content but in the wellbeing of students. And social exclusion is a huge part of school so meh... it wasn't too bad. I sat down at an empty table with one other guy but a girl on another table was looking at me, said "Hi Celine~" and I said hi back and pointed at the sole empty chair at her table. "Wanna sit there?" So I was like.. uhh okay... lol. Cool. Someone actually asked me to sit with their group. O.o I don't even know them....
The guy that sat next to me is also heading to McKinnon Secondary College, my placement for this year. He told me to ride a bus down North Road to Ormond Station then train down to McKinnon station one station away. That sounds like a better idea then bus-ing to Caulfied then train-ing down, lol. Journey planner has given me a few ideas on what to do though (hmm... Carnegie has a bus to McKinnon...). I'll have to leave home around 7:15 AM each day, gah... aronud 40 - 50 minutes of travelling time. Double the time it took to get me to Mount Waverly. Ah well... I guess it isn't 2 hours at least...
After that I went to my lecture. I found out that I had to bring my textbook to my tut today but as always... I didn't. So I went back home after the lecture to get my book. Took a BreadTop bread as my lunch and went to find MCAC peeps. Uhh.. sat around for a bit... not really doing anything. With Phe-chan... tried to do work. But it didn't work too well. Then I went to my tut. The tut involved some random activity where I just talked a lot. Uhh... my peers had to like comment on my "observed" self as in... comment on one characteristic of me. Unfortunately, my peers don't know me. But I was described as "happy/bubbly, fast worker, and not much of a talker". I LOL-ed... cause.. well you know.. 'happy'. Riiiight. We had to write down our ideal self and our actual self too... in which I wrote in my actual self "positive (outside)". I explained that I am positive... on the outside. It's fake. Peers understood why because everyone who is loud and energetic in a sense, is harboring something inside they are trying to hide. I'm no different. The energetic and outgoing people are not necessarily carefree people.
After class I just sat around. I was spacing out a lot, and generally uncomfortable. Past 3 PM Raine found out I had eaten nothing since the 5 AM I woke up but a peace of bread... and forced me to go to Wholefoods where I literally swallowed a HUUGE bowl of pumpkin soup and a slice of garlic bread. @.@ Thanks Rainy for buying me lunch...
After that... more spacing out. Raine doesn't like me having so much 'free time' (not really I should be doing work but I can't) so... Raine forced me to attend some info talk for the International Student Volunteers (ISV) where they like... have 4 week trips where you do volunteer work and travel. It sounds awesome actually but it's like... $4000. Can't afford that. @.@ If I ever have money that would be cool though... to do the things you'll never in your life otherwise. Like go white water river rafting, sky diving, bungee jumping, something about getting pushed off a waterfall and other crazy things where I'll probably get killed. xD We left halfway cause I was about to fall asleep. Generally I felt pretty crap today cause I was too uncomfortable with everything. I dunno, it's not like anything bad is happening. But I never want to smile, something is weighing me down completely - and I get irritated at certain people. My mood went up when Kim asked me to practice what we learnt yesterday from umm... the dance we're doing. I finally can spell things right now. Right now we're doing BoA's 'Eat You Up' XD. Me and Andrew are learning. Hehe. I managed to get a bit farther. But lots of work to be done.
I decided to head off at 4:30 PM. I went to the counselling office. Told Raine and Amanda I need to go. I can't finish my work. I was praying that Jimmy (the counsellor) guy wouldn't see me because I do not want an aquaintance to be counselling me. Especially as I am an EDUCATION student, lol I study pschology too! I'm sensitive to the needs and feelings of people in a social context, because... c'mon. In a school setting, where you have hormone raging teenagers... teachers are one of the first line of defenses to identify depressed students due to social isolation, relationship problems and all that. I know what's wrong with me. But I can't help myself. So let's see what a professional says, heh. But nooo... have to come back tomorrow. But I have class tomorrow in Caulfield. Meh.
In the evening, me and the housemates went to Glenny. To uhh... eat a small dinner (dumplings~) and then Max Brennor (for chocolate~). Amanda went with her cousin and friend. So there were 7 of us. It was pretty fun. We shared food at the dumpling place so dinner was like $5. And we were really full. Hooray for light eaters? At Max Brennor, I made the mistake of ordering... Dark Chocolate MOCHA Frapps.... GAHH!! IT TASTED LIKE COFFEE! Yeck... what a waste of my $7 (I like how... the drink was more expensive then dinner). Remind me next time. Max Brennor = Food. Kokoblack = Drinks.
Got home... I did no work. Went to sleep by 11 PM. Oh go me... =.= I think my sleeping is getting earlier. I recall sleeping at like 10:30 PM yesterday. I wake up by 5 or 6 AM though...
I was glad today to see that I didn't cry. I was about to, but since Raine kept... making me do things. Or talk to me. Or randomly pat me when she can see my eyes just... blanking out. She isn't the only one mind you. I know Alan runs over sometimes when he sees that I'm about to just fall over by sitting in one place. Isn't exactly the best day but I lived through it. Things can only improve from here. ^^
Reply to comments....
@Mag: Oh gawd... if I went to see Manju now. She would seriously bitch slap me. I can see it now... "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WOMAN???!!!!!" I would avoid RMIT (manj's uni) / the city just for that very reason. Hahahaha. XD
The guy that sat next to me is also heading to McKinnon Secondary College, my placement for this year. He told me to ride a bus down North Road to Ormond Station then train down to McKinnon station one station away. That sounds like a better idea then bus-ing to Caulfied then train-ing down, lol. Journey planner has given me a few ideas on what to do though (hmm... Carnegie has a bus to McKinnon...). I'll have to leave home around 7:15 AM each day, gah... aronud 40 - 50 minutes of travelling time. Double the time it took to get me to Mount Waverly. Ah well... I guess it isn't 2 hours at least...
After that I went to my lecture. I found out that I had to bring my textbook to my tut today but as always... I didn't. So I went back home after the lecture to get my book. Took a BreadTop bread as my lunch and went to find MCAC peeps. Uhh.. sat around for a bit... not really doing anything. With Phe-chan... tried to do work. But it didn't work too well. Then I went to my tut. The tut involved some random activity where I just talked a lot. Uhh... my peers had to like comment on my "observed" self as in... comment on one characteristic of me. Unfortunately, my peers don't know me. But I was described as "happy/bubbly, fast worker, and not much of a talker". I LOL-ed... cause.. well you know.. 'happy'. Riiiight. We had to write down our ideal self and our actual self too... in which I wrote in my actual self "positive (outside)". I explained that I am positive... on the outside. It's fake. Peers understood why because everyone who is loud and energetic in a sense, is harboring something inside they are trying to hide. I'm no different. The energetic and outgoing people are not necessarily carefree people.
After class I just sat around. I was spacing out a lot, and generally uncomfortable. Past 3 PM Raine found out I had eaten nothing since the 5 AM I woke up but a peace of bread... and forced me to go to Wholefoods where I literally swallowed a HUUGE bowl of pumpkin soup and a slice of garlic bread. @.@ Thanks Rainy for buying me lunch...
After that... more spacing out. Raine doesn't like me having so much 'free time' (not really I should be doing work but I can't) so... Raine forced me to attend some info talk for the International Student Volunteers (ISV) where they like... have 4 week trips where you do volunteer work and travel. It sounds awesome actually but it's like... $4000. Can't afford that. @.@ If I ever have money that would be cool though... to do the things you'll never in your life otherwise. Like go white water river rafting, sky diving, bungee jumping, something about getting pushed off a waterfall and other crazy things where I'll probably get killed. xD We left halfway cause I was about to fall asleep. Generally I felt pretty crap today cause I was too uncomfortable with everything. I dunno, it's not like anything bad is happening. But I never want to smile, something is weighing me down completely - and I get irritated at certain people. My mood went up when Kim asked me to practice what we learnt yesterday from umm... the dance we're doing. I finally can spell things right now. Right now we're doing BoA's 'Eat You Up' XD. Me and Andrew are learning. Hehe. I managed to get a bit farther. But lots of work to be done.
I decided to head off at 4:30 PM. I went to the counselling office. Told Raine and Amanda I need to go. I can't finish my work. I was praying that Jimmy (the counsellor) guy wouldn't see me because I do not want an aquaintance to be counselling me. Especially as I am an EDUCATION student, lol I study pschology too! I'm sensitive to the needs and feelings of people in a social context, because... c'mon. In a school setting, where you have hormone raging teenagers... teachers are one of the first line of defenses to identify depressed students due to social isolation, relationship problems and all that. I know what's wrong with me. But I can't help myself. So let's see what a professional says, heh. But nooo... have to come back tomorrow. But I have class tomorrow in Caulfield. Meh.
In the evening, me and the housemates went to Glenny. To uhh... eat a small dinner (dumplings~) and then Max Brennor (for chocolate~). Amanda went with her cousin and friend. So there were 7 of us. It was pretty fun. We shared food at the dumpling place so dinner was like $5. And we were really full. Hooray for light eaters? At Max Brennor, I made the mistake of ordering... Dark Chocolate MOCHA Frapps.... GAHH!! IT TASTED LIKE COFFEE! Yeck... what a waste of my $7 (I like how... the drink was more expensive then dinner). Remind me next time. Max Brennor = Food. Kokoblack = Drinks.
Got home... I did no work. Went to sleep by 11 PM. Oh go me... =.= I think my sleeping is getting earlier. I recall sleeping at like 10:30 PM yesterday. I wake up by 5 or 6 AM though...
I was glad today to see that I didn't cry. I was about to, but since Raine kept... making me do things. Or talk to me. Or randomly pat me when she can see my eyes just... blanking out. She isn't the only one mind you. I know Alan runs over sometimes when he sees that I'm about to just fall over by sitting in one place. Isn't exactly the best day but I lived through it. Things can only improve from here. ^^
Reply to comments....
@Mag: Oh gawd... if I went to see Manju now. She would seriously bitch slap me. I can see it now... "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WOMAN???!!!!!" I would avoid RMIT (manj's uni) / the city just for that very reason. Hahahaha. XD
Wednesday 1 April 2009
A cry for help...
Yeah, life is like a scale right now to me. My emotions range from laughter to utter sadness in a period of 10 seconds. And I know certain people are starting to be able to accurately see my face expressions as I have random people making eye contact with me longer then necessary and I think they are concerned (or they just know what I'm thinking) but say nothing because they know there is nothing else to say. After all, it's all left to me... right? Life will not change with sadness, tears or pain. I just need to stop it. Somehow.
I had a difficult morning. It was... agonising. I'm sorry, but it was. I woke up teary, and yeah... I dunno. Sort of just wished I didn't wake up. Dreams are nice you know? Waking up thinking about the past, thinking about better times... really isn't something I should be doing. My mp3 player ran out of battery so I was like "shit..." cause it meant I had to ride the bus to Caulfield without anything to keep my mind busy with. Let's see, for the 3 hour lecture. Uhh.. first two hours is a film. We watched an adaptation of Jane Austen's "Emma". I fell asleep one part and I was on MSN the entire time with Magdalene. She sent me tons of songs and stuff as she insists that my music is too emo and thus not good for the current times, lol. <3 her muchies ~ The lecture was utter tortue though. I felt so sick... I just... felt really sick. Beyond sick.
After that I ran back to Clayton for screenings. Did the usual. I didn't bring my charger to uni so I had to use someone else's laptop for screenings. The second anime we showed, was the WORSE thing ever, it was sooooo bad it was good. LOL. Had a good laugh there... it was so bad everyone was laughing their heads off. After screenings... Raine came by. And I had a talk with her. And a long hour of crying in her hugs. I dunno, haha. I went back to lunch place after that since Raine had class. Just sat around with my laptop mostly. Nothing else to do. After a while I joined in with Kim's Neurotics dance lesson. So now I'm doing that dance from DBSK too, lol. It's fun. XD
Around 5:30 PM, Sam was like... let's go. I was like O.o where... oh. There is a birthday celebration for Drue at the bar? Me: lols. No one told me... uhh... am I gate crashing? As I wasn't invited. Not that I wasn't the only one. Everyone had a few drinks and chips / wedges and wedgachos (lol wedges + nachos combined). Haha, it was good. I drank nothing. Apologised to Jess in the end for intruding but she said it was fine. That she just didn't have my email to tell me (and Bernie was going on about... the fact that people were supposed to spread it around but we didn't, lols). Ooh yes! I saw Bernie again today! Which was nice. It seems my Easter break will be fairly busy too. =.= As I have tons of work but now everyday is getting filled up with stuff. As Chris invited me to something, Raine was making arrangements for something at Bernie's house another night, we got the Great Easter Road Trip with Vu and gang, and club camp...
Went home... had dinner. I tried to cook Mum's veggie cakes but it didn't turn out too well. It turned out a bit better after following the advice from Jono, lol. I left the dinner table early as I felt really ill... couldn't take it anymore. I will try my best to do that less though. I can't let emotions... like this. Control my life. And stop me from enjoying myself with my friends...
Honestly, I told Raine I was gonna be happy in front of everyone from now on. Regardless of what I felt. That I would put in that effort. But the tears don't stop, and I feel really dead. I broke one resolve I made to her recently. I dunno how many more resolves I am going to break. I told Amanda, told Stan, told Zac, told so many people... that I would stand up now. But I'm not... right now, I am not getting anywhere.
I'm just really scared. It sounds really weak but...
Please... help me....
I don't know what I want right now. I'm just lost. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything. I can't say "just let me sleep forever" because it's not like I want to die either. But right now I don't wanna do anything. I mean I said I was gonna get out of my hole. Magadalene was like... GET OUT OF THE FUCKING HOLE! I've been asked by many... "why are you still dwelling on the past?"... "why do you even bother being sad? IS IT EVEN WORTH IT?". I mean, whether something or someone is worth it or not - in the end this is my opinion. I mean.. maybe it would have been worth it. Although I know - as many have pointed out "Okay, so he might have been worth it. But... it's TOO LATE. It's over. It's too late. Forget about it. Move on! Live! You no longer have a chance. You need to move on!" If Mag or Manju were around me I can see them bitch slapping me though for still being like this... I mean, it would be make sense to say it isn't worth it considering how... tormented I am right now. Love is really blind... maybe I should go see Manju in the city. Good to see an old face. I can see her shaking me though. I mean... we grew up together, and we should of grew up to be strong independant people. Why did I turn out like this, eh? Mag was going on about... something from ISB days. C = Confidence? I have no idea where the heck that is from. I phail at the messages from ISB though. I lack confidence, independance and all those morals they try to pass on through the school. Anyway, as I was doing a few things deterring me from 'healing' or 'moving on', to tighten up a resolve I promised Magdalene I won't do certain things. I'll do everything in my power to keep that promise cause if I don't it'll be an insult to her. So yeah... gotta hold on...
You know, in the movies you have the people crying their eyes out. Then finally deciding to move on. Why am I not doing that? I was asking myself. How... long... am I supposed to be like this? It hurts too much... I don't want this. Even if I manage to stop myself from crying for the entire afternoon, I don't know... the entire time I can still feel my heart crying though. Just sitting there. It's like it's dead. Like it isn't there to begin with. Which would make sense. As someone else said... "yeah, your heart was taken away. Broken. And thrown away. Don't wait for him to give it back to you. It isn't happening, ever. Go and fucking get it back yourself!!".
Hmm. I may really go into counselling I think. Just to get special consideration also. Because... my work really is suffering. My assignment next week is defintely not gonna get done, it is difficult and it's 50%... I'm gonna fail. And I have a 20% test next week too. Even now I still can't concentrate in class. I will never forgive myself if I fail because I let one person affect me. And really, I know myself better then anyone. It's why I'm a bit worried. I honestly don't know what I'll need to end all this. I know for sure that just leaving me alone and hoping I'll be fine in the next month won't work though...
May things go well for the best. May everyone stay happy. A lot of people told me to stop worrying about others. Cause everyone else is moving on... everyone else is slowly finding their own happiness. My job is done already? I need to find my own place somewhere else right...? I wait for the day... my heart is no longer in pain. And my heart beat isn't like... twice the speed it should be. I wait for the day I can go through one day without crying. Without thinking of him. And without saying, thinking and feeling the words... "I miss you."
Because it will never be returned again.
"You taught me how to love; you taught me how to live; you taught me how to laugh; you taught me how to cry, but when you left, you forgot to teach me how to forget you."
I had a difficult morning. It was... agonising. I'm sorry, but it was. I woke up teary, and yeah... I dunno. Sort of just wished I didn't wake up. Dreams are nice you know? Waking up thinking about the past, thinking about better times... really isn't something I should be doing. My mp3 player ran out of battery so I was like "shit..." cause it meant I had to ride the bus to Caulfield without anything to keep my mind busy with. Let's see, for the 3 hour lecture. Uhh.. first two hours is a film. We watched an adaptation of Jane Austen's "Emma". I fell asleep one part and I was on MSN the entire time with Magdalene. She sent me tons of songs and stuff as she insists that my music is too emo and thus not good for the current times, lol. <3 her muchies ~ The lecture was utter tortue though. I felt so sick... I just... felt really sick. Beyond sick.
After that I ran back to Clayton for screenings. Did the usual. I didn't bring my charger to uni so I had to use someone else's laptop for screenings. The second anime we showed, was the WORSE thing ever, it was sooooo bad it was good. LOL. Had a good laugh there... it was so bad everyone was laughing their heads off. After screenings... Raine came by. And I had a talk with her. And a long hour of crying in her hugs. I dunno, haha. I went back to lunch place after that since Raine had class. Just sat around with my laptop mostly. Nothing else to do. After a while I joined in with Kim's Neurotics dance lesson. So now I'm doing that dance from DBSK too, lol. It's fun. XD
Around 5:30 PM, Sam was like... let's go. I was like O.o where... oh. There is a birthday celebration for Drue at the bar? Me: lols. No one told me... uhh... am I gate crashing? As I wasn't invited. Not that I wasn't the only one. Everyone had a few drinks and chips / wedges and wedgachos (lol wedges + nachos combined). Haha, it was good. I drank nothing. Apologised to Jess in the end for intruding but she said it was fine. That she just didn't have my email to tell me (and Bernie was going on about... the fact that people were supposed to spread it around but we didn't, lols). Ooh yes! I saw Bernie again today! Which was nice. It seems my Easter break will be fairly busy too. =.= As I have tons of work but now everyday is getting filled up with stuff. As Chris invited me to something, Raine was making arrangements for something at Bernie's house another night, we got the Great Easter Road Trip with Vu and gang, and club camp...
Went home... had dinner. I tried to cook Mum's veggie cakes but it didn't turn out too well. It turned out a bit better after following the advice from Jono, lol. I left the dinner table early as I felt really ill... couldn't take it anymore. I will try my best to do that less though. I can't let emotions... like this. Control my life. And stop me from enjoying myself with my friends...
Honestly, I told Raine I was gonna be happy in front of everyone from now on. Regardless of what I felt. That I would put in that effort. But the tears don't stop, and I feel really dead. I broke one resolve I made to her recently. I dunno how many more resolves I am going to break. I told Amanda, told Stan, told Zac, told so many people... that I would stand up now. But I'm not... right now, I am not getting anywhere.
I'm just really scared. It sounds really weak but...
Please... help me....
I don't know what I want right now. I'm just lost. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything. I can't say "just let me sleep forever" because it's not like I want to die either. But right now I don't wanna do anything. I mean I said I was gonna get out of my hole. Magadalene was like... GET OUT OF THE FUCKING HOLE! I've been asked by many... "why are you still dwelling on the past?"... "why do you even bother being sad? IS IT EVEN WORTH IT?". I mean, whether something or someone is worth it or not - in the end this is my opinion. I mean.. maybe it would have been worth it. Although I know - as many have pointed out "Okay, so he might have been worth it. But... it's TOO LATE. It's over. It's too late. Forget about it. Move on! Live! You no longer have a chance. You need to move on!" If Mag or Manju were around me I can see them bitch slapping me though for still being like this... I mean, it would be make sense to say it isn't worth it considering how... tormented I am right now. Love is really blind... maybe I should go see Manju in the city. Good to see an old face. I can see her shaking me though. I mean... we grew up together, and we should of grew up to be strong independant people. Why did I turn out like this, eh? Mag was going on about... something from ISB days. C = Confidence? I have no idea where the heck that is from. I phail at the messages from ISB though. I lack confidence, independance and all those morals they try to pass on through the school. Anyway, as I was doing a few things deterring me from 'healing' or 'moving on', to tighten up a resolve I promised Magdalene I won't do certain things. I'll do everything in my power to keep that promise cause if I don't it'll be an insult to her. So yeah... gotta hold on...
You know, in the movies you have the people crying their eyes out. Then finally deciding to move on. Why am I not doing that? I was asking myself. How... long... am I supposed to be like this? It hurts too much... I don't want this. Even if I manage to stop myself from crying for the entire afternoon, I don't know... the entire time I can still feel my heart crying though. Just sitting there. It's like it's dead. Like it isn't there to begin with. Which would make sense. As someone else said... "yeah, your heart was taken away. Broken. And thrown away. Don't wait for him to give it back to you. It isn't happening, ever. Go and fucking get it back yourself!!".
Hmm. I may really go into counselling I think. Just to get special consideration also. Because... my work really is suffering. My assignment next week is defintely not gonna get done, it is difficult and it's 50%... I'm gonna fail. And I have a 20% test next week too. Even now I still can't concentrate in class. I will never forgive myself if I fail because I let one person affect me. And really, I know myself better then anyone. It's why I'm a bit worried. I honestly don't know what I'll need to end all this. I know for sure that just leaving me alone and hoping I'll be fine in the next month won't work though...
May things go well for the best. May everyone stay happy. A lot of people told me to stop worrying about others. Cause everyone else is moving on... everyone else is slowly finding their own happiness. My job is done already? I need to find my own place somewhere else right...? I wait for the day... my heart is no longer in pain. And my heart beat isn't like... twice the speed it should be. I wait for the day I can go through one day without crying. Without thinking of him. And without saying, thinking and feeling the words... "I miss you."
Because it will never be returned again.
"You taught me how to love; you taught me how to live; you taught me how to laugh; you taught me how to cry, but when you left, you forgot to teach me how to forget you."
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